2009

like what else do u do at the end of the yr right?


2009 has been a crazy yr.

new yrs are like exams.
steve says, let 2009 pass and go.
yeah, like exams, they come and go, sometimes leaving u exhausted, sometimes exhilarated, but at the end of it all, u know its over.


9 eventful things that happened in 2009:
(and working with YOG have taught me to leave events with learning points, so here goes..)

1. the hoohaas about izzat.
too many to say. if i were to say it, im gonna cry, so i wont.
keep the good, forget the bad, they say.

lesson learnt: letting go.

2. went for a surgery that changed my life. 27 feb-
(my knee is my life okay.)
surgery and hospitalisation fees: $10k
cab fees back and forth woodlands and sports council for rehab and physio: $400
having friends that helped me tru the immense pain i was suffering: priceless.
and now im running and kicking, Alhamdullilah. :)

lesson learnt: go for rehab religiously right after surgery. its the most painful thing ever, but pain makes u stronger.

3. landing an internship with YOG.

lesson learnt: get a proper job, being an intern sucks. but okay, the experience was great. u have sprinters like seng song and polo boys like ren kai as ur colleagues. what more can u ask for as an intern? higher pay. HAH, u wait long long.

4. getting my first (and hopefully my last) D+ for exams.
social psychology. not really my thing. its the lecturer, i swear. pulled my grades down like sai. ugh.

lesson learnt: dont give ACL tear as an excuse for doing poorly for exams. blame the lecturer.

5. darwin happened.
waterfalls, plungepools, rocks and hundreds and hundreds of kilometers of driving.

lesson learnt: book your flight tickets early. go to the most random places in the world wiht the most random group of ppl and make it happen :)

6. silat ivp.
team manager seh, goes into my testimonial. not bad. leadership quality: check. good results? umm.

lesson learnt: acl patients make good team managers.


7. signed my life away with nie.
all i was thinking was, masters masters masters. insyaAllah.

lesson learnt: dont think too much, agree with nike, just do it!

8. lose to win.

was part of the team that made people lose weight and feel more confident abt themselves. who says u cant change the life of others?

lesson learnt: theres no such thing as fat people, only lazy people.

9. went globetrotting. wait, no. 3 countries, one island-trotting.
vietnam, cambodia, bangkok and phuket in a week. konon globetrotter lahhh.

lesson learnt: tell yr mum who you go holiday with.

its the time of the yr again to bid for modules. and it'll be my last.
i dont know whether i should be happy abt it,
or not.

dont come telling me its the season to be merry.
not when im having conjunctivitis and my eyes have been swollen from my incessant crying since tuesday.

i need to get a grip of my life, i tell you.
ugh.

i miss those carefree days when taufik batisah was everything to me and i was so damn good at mugging and netball.

the truth is out.

i guess he's really gone, for good.

i have to learn to cry less.
its making my eyes swell up real bad.

God, i trust that You have bigger plans for us,
InsyaAllah.

i've got a feeling.
that tonight's gonna be a good night.

haha. the song's stuck in my head.
and the video too. WATCH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvljD0toJmU
its amazingggg.
haha. makes u feel...
err,
good.

not like studying.
the thought of studying just makes you feel
not good,
at all.
ugh.

(thus, im taking this short break to write.)

im such a role model student, aren't i?
i'll be out of the school next yr.
cant wait cant wait.
on the other hand,
school makes u feel safe.
somehow.
dont u think?
sigh.
why cant we pretend we're still in secondary school,
where theres nothing to worry about but
whether the guy is hot or not,
which team will we be meeting in the tournament,
whether our socks are high and skirts are not too short,
and whether we've done enuf 10 yr series.
i hate growing up,
too fast :(

i went for an moe interview last week.
YES MOE. haha. i know i dont have the slightest passion to teach,
but coaching, absolutely.
so im gonna give it a go on the PDGE and teach PE and umm,
another subject which i havent thought abt it yet.
malay, maybe? hahaha!
i learnt that doesnt mean ure good at netball, u can be a good netball coach.
similarly, doesnt mean i got an A1 for higher malay, i can be a good malay teacher, no? heh.
i wasnt prepared for the interview at all. i dont know why i dint bother. its quite scary actually, the fact that i went for a job interview not feeling a tinge of worry,
not until when i was outside the interview room.
then i started to wake up and was like,
OMG. ITS A REAL INTERVIEW.
and started to panic.

i didnt read tru the list of interview tips b4 that.
i didnt go tru lists of questions they were gonna ask.
all i did was,
be myself. (chey mcm paham. but seriously, nil preps except for bringing my certs.)
there were three of them sitting in front of me.
first mistake i did, which i found out after the interview after reading tru some interview tips, was that i placed my arms on the table. HAHAHAHA. can u believe it i actually did that? zomg.
i shook their hands, and dint sit down until i was told. that, i passed. :)
the interviewers had some problems smiling, so i had to do smtg abt it. i made them laughed. plus point? haha.
it went pretty well actually. i left the room feeling,
satisfied,
considering that i had such minimal preperations.

and i got an sms recently saying that they'll be giving me a letter of offer for teaching position. how cool.
aisyah's interview tip #1: be yourself. :):):)

i dont know what shit made me want to join the teaching industry but when i looked at the courses the PDGE (PE) had, it made me excited. :)
career tip #16: find something to do that makes you tick. what makes you tick?
there you go.

like why do i bother waking up at 5am every tuesday to travel all the way to marymount to coach netball to a bunch of annoying p3s for 8 consequtive weeks?
the kids drain and suck the energy out of you butttt..
its the feeling i get when i leave the school after the session.
aww.

hahaha. omg. this is so weird.
i actually have a passion for something other than rowing. HAHAHA.

and talking about rowing.
i dont know whether i want in back.
of cuz definitely i would love to row again.
but looking at the path that i have just paved before me,
i dont know if im able to become the steel-hearted, girl who lost 8kg, determined, passionate, almost crazy, rower that i once was. wait, no. i dont know if i WANT to become that person again.

i know! its scary to say such things. rowing was part of my life for 4 yrs and to say such things is like dumping an ex boyfriend and biting him behind his back. how rude of me! :(

but cormac's pulling me into another sport and hopefully if all goes well, who knows i may be just the next Olympian. HAHAHA.
dont even get me started on silat.
i still have this burning desire to fight.
grr.

my knee's getting muchos better. Alhamdullilah. thank you to every single person who had been there for me. you know who you are :)

what's next?
looking at short term events, the exams are just round the corner. i dont know if its just me but this sem went past a bit too fast. dont u think so? scary.
and next sem is my last sem in nus.
zomg.
i've already planned out my post-exam activities, but not for exams.
i know.
im such a lazy bum bum.
kill me. :(

and i was just thinking,
if theres one thing i want to change in this world,
is for people to stop lying and stop cheating their partners.
spread love, not lies.

oh well.

okok, i shall go back to studying.
check out the vid yea. :)
worth yr 4mins, trust me.

oh and i realised i dint even mention about guys.
pats on my back.

aisyah g.

of lying and getting hurt;

sometimes i wonder if there's a limit to how much a person can cry.
can u really get blind by crying too much?
im worried.
my eyes friggin hurt from too much unnecessary crying.
and they get swollen and red.
and the pain stings.

and when your face is burnt.
and when the tears start rolling down your cheeks.
its like getting a double whammy.
not a good thing.

sometimes, some people are just not worth your tears.
i've come to realise that.
its about time huh.
oh well.

people around me are getting attached.
people i used to date are getting engaged.
no, im not jealous.
not at all.
i dont want to get attached or engaged,
not now.
im happy for them. i really am :)

i just wonder why do i have to go tru so much pain for,
for something i dont even know i can get at the end of this struggle.
and i dont know why im still here fighting,
when i can call it quits anytime i want.

lying is a bad habit.
when u start,
u cant stop.
it goes on and on and on.

i dont even remember lying to you.
i dont think i ever did.
not to say im an angel,
i know the things i say scar you.
but i dont lie to you.
its one thing ive stopped doing,
even after what u did to me.
because i know how much pain is caused when someone lies.

but i just dont understand why you have to lie to me.
its just not fair, isnt it?

i can take any form of pain.
incessant scoldings and harsh words thrown from a particular someone, being unnoticed or insignificant or easily forgotten, i can take and have taken the pain of an acl reconstruction.
but when u lie,
its just,
i dont know.

its even more painful than the 6 months of rehab i had to go tru for my knee.
and u know the post-surgery was the most painful moments in my life.
so can u imagine the damage a lie can cause?

cant be so baaadd! you may think.
because the people whom you love and care for you so dearly has never done it to you.
until u get to taste the pain of being lied to,
you'll never know how it feels like.

even if its some small petty issue.
lying is not a small petty issue.
not to me.

when we were together, i told the world i was with you.
when we broke apart, i was afraid of telling the world what you did to me,
because you were my world.

its not that i dont tell people the good side of you.
its just that u dont know.

i wish you'll just stop lying to me.
that's all i ask for.

today, i made bread pudding for my family for buka. but i forgot to buy ice cream to go along with it. it tasted quite bland, but my mum said it was nice. i dont know if she was just being nice or if she really meant it. :(
last week, i cooked aglio olio! it was so yummy my bro asked me how i cooked it. bangga okay. but the smell of garlic lingered on my fingers for a week. :(
next week, or maybe soon, like next month or something, i think, i will learn how to cook malay food. InsyaAllah. haha! omg cmi. (i learnt a new acronym this week! CMI!)

so how? good enough to get married? trying too hard?

i have a friend who's msn subnick goes smtg like: i cant wait to get married, get out of the house and live with my own future husband!

i dont know what to say, really.

guys simply cant be trusted.

its 2 weeks away to hari raya and i still havent gotten my baju raya. i mean i know its not important to get a new one every yr but alah, im a girl, people will notice right?
hahaha! omg, that is so burok.

school has been pretty okay. ive been revising here and there, ive miraculously become extra rajin by this bit: <---> Alhamdullilah.
oh, and my attempt to increase my attention span has been tremendously successful. i havent been sleeping in class for the past week. Alhamdullilah!
and and and
im gonna prove that forensic science lecturer wrong. im gonna prove to her that you dont have to always sit in front to be an A student. InsyaAllah.

and today, i bought my first ever keeper's gloves. semangat kebabs yo!
im playing soccer tmr. it will be my first ever since my injury. but steve said i should just play keeper. okay lah, at least im on the pitch, and the Arts team needs a keeper anyway.
i just hope i wont get injured, InsyaAllah.

playing with girls wont be that bad, will it?
lets hope not.

we played netball last week and trashed this faculty 33-0 (lets keep the faculty confidential to avoid extreme embarassment) haha. burok seh. my captain was like telling me to give them chance to score, but even with much great effort to try to let them score, they couldn't. i feel bad, really. :(

like how i felt bad when one of my classmates couldnt join us for class gathering cuz i reserved a non halal restaurant for 22 persons. even after i even did a research and tried my best to convince her that the ingredients are all halal only that they are cert-less.
sorry.

i guess this is it for today.
i told yatay that i will keep to my promise not to get attached until i graduate. she snorted.
2 ppl to prove them wrong, bebeh.

i secretly cant wait to train again- netball, rowing, silat, running, whatever. as long as i get to train and be able to complain abt how tough training is, and how much im aching and how tired i am from training. i cant wait!

giler!

memang.

best :)

if you ever had thoughts of cheating on ur partner, think again.
the repurcussions of cheating is awful.

you'll regret.
you apologize.
you seek forgiveness.
they forgive.
but they will never, ever forget.

if youve never been cheated on,
you'll never know what it feels like to have your heart ripped into two and you cant do anything to piece them back together. and healing takes a long, long time.
you'll never know what it feels to tell yourself over and over again that you hate that person but you know deep inside you still do love that person so much, you cant decide, you go crazy. you get depressed. and you allow them to destroy your life,
just like that.
and it takes months, and probably a yr or two to totally forget about that person,
maybe never.
you tell yourself you're strong.
when ur world inside crumbles beneath the facade ure hiding.
you date around pretending its okay,
when its not.

when you cheat,
you know you cant turn back time,
you know they dont trust you anymore
and you gotta work extra hard to gain that back.
when you cheat,
its a life of a person u once loved u take away.
and sometimes,
u'll never get back that person u once knew.

if you love someone, love that person wholeheartedly.
if youre not willing to,
dont go breaking people's heart.
its not a nice thing to do,
really.

cuz life feeds back truth in its own ways and time.
trust me.

an average person's attention span is this much:
<----------------------------------------------------------------->
recently, i discovered mine:
<-->
my aim is to bring it up to within this week:
<------->
bit by bit become big.
sikit sikit lama lama jadi bukit.

fasting makes u stronger,
a bit thirsty, yes, no doubt.
but stronger, definitely.

my brain just cant seem to accept that.
why oh why.
it cant be the setans cuz they're all chained up.
or is it cuz im old.
and weak.

then what, seriously, really, making me feel so so so so tired these days?
whats up with the world mama?

sticks out lower lip. je-back :(

if 65% of my brain goes to school, whereby 30% goes to health lab, 15% to developmental psych, 10% to PID, 5% goes to planet earth and forensic science each because they are not core modules, and the remaining 20% of my brain is geared towards YOG, 10% to my jobs as a personal trainer, a bootcamp instructor and a netball coach, with 33.33% each, and lets say i have 5% left for other nagging issues in my life, put them altogether they'll add up to 100% of my brain usage. if this goes on, i think i need another brain and another body, before my body crumbles and my brain deteriorates.
i need another Saiyidah Aisyah.
its not the money or fame im chasing.
graduate, get that degree, and then what?
honestly, i dont know what im chasing.
not even guys.
how do i even fit them into my life?
you tell me.
lets pray that this Ramadhan bring some good in our lives.
InsyaAllah.

sorry,
but i dont do this thing called trust anymore.

if i choose to trust, i choose love. and love means im prepared to get hurt.
honestly, im not prepared.
yes, i am a coward, but i dont want my heart to go tru whats its been thru again and again.
i told u this already.
im telling u again.

im waiting,
but im not ready.

---

its 7am lah dei. im waiting to go to school so i sempatzzz masok sini update, since i havent been doing so since 6 july. and of all the times in the world i have to update, i choose to do so this very morning.

i thought abt things ppl dont usually think about early in the morning. my brain works in ways i just couldnt fathom.

sometimes ppl worry cuz i dont think.
but sometimes i worry cuz i think waaaaayyy too much.

school's being a bitch, even though it just started.
i've been soooo looking forward to school, but i dont know why i just cant stay awake in lectures.
whats friggin wrong with me.
i feel like doing what my race does best, which is to quit school.
but its already my 3rd and final yr. i'll be such a loser if i give up now.

so tell me, what keeps you awake in class?
share your secrets. spill.
come on.

I NEED TO WAKE UP MY IDEA.

okay, off to school i go.

taa.

whats there to hide?
i was a cheater.
i was a liar.
its not that im proud of it.
im brutally honest,
that u must know.
ive had a bad past.
ive learnt to change.
i had been cheated on.
i had been lied to.
my life wasnt perfect.
my life isnt perfect.
i was an athlete.
i dream to be one again.
im nothing without sports,
u know that.
u just wont tell it to my face.
im tired of people being nice and lying to me.
ive been very, very patient with my injury.
the fever and deadly coughs are not making my life any better.
its gonna pass soon, i know.
its gonna take long, that i know too.
God is testing my patience.
Im grateful i have some to spare.
I would have died if i had given up hopes.
Im weak.
I dont trust anymore.
I dont think i'll fall in love anytime soon.
But i will learn to love again,
one day,
InsyaAllah.
My heart has gone through the toughest shit,
the most painful crap.
I dont want it to get beaten up
and shattered again.
letting go was the hardest thing i had to go thru,
apart from the stupid acl surgery.
first it was bcuz our religions disagree with one another,
then our mums dont approve of us.
whats next?
i cant wait.

i have dreams to achieve,
which i dont know if its even possible for me to achieve.
but they say,
if u dont believe in urself, who will?

he wasnt willing to go tru my dreams with me,

aim for something more rational, he says.

and, i was willing to wait for him, even if he took a decade.

noone doubts aisyah.

aisyah will prove them wrong.

im only 21.
or is it, im already 21?

i plan to travel the world,
change the world, if i can.
but its already so hard for me to change a person,
and i dream of changing the world.
who am i kidding.

maybe,
its just not meant to be.
it took me months to forget him.
yea, months.
thats how long ive been waiting to resume my life, too.
if it wasnt for faith, i would have gone mad.

Ive went through pain, not any 21 yr old would have gone through.
and now i've become stronger,
I hope.

now u know me.
what makes u think u can handle me?

im tired of you lying to me. can u PLEASE go lie to someone else, seriously.

ure a waste of time and space and effort. ure a waste of my life.
u cant keep to your words, even if it was for your own good. i mean seriously how hard is it to NOT SMOKE since uve not been smoking when we were together. and all i wanted for you to do is to friggin quit, for me at least. but NO. i guess whatever i said didnt friggin matter to you. then i wonder why i still bloody listen to what crap comes out from your filthy mouth. and u still dare doubt my abilities to reach my goal. and u put the blame on me making me the bad guy when all along it was you who had issues.

seriously boy, wake up your idea.

GROW UP.

im not lying abt the karma part.
it does happen whether u want it or not.
just becareful how life gives u back things u did to others.
been there done that.
dont say i dint warn you.

there you go, a waste of space even to mention about you.
im not even sorry im being crude.

---

AYG's over for me.
AYG makes me want to row again.
thats when it struck me like how an apple fell on Newton's head.
what the fish am i doing? im still 21. i was born an athlete. what am i doing here brooding abt a stupid leg injury and not doing anything abt it.

then the setan in my head will say, but what sport would want you? ure weak. ure so weak! who would want an acl tear patient for their sport?

AYG makes me feel young again.
at least 3 people thought im 19. i told them, lets keep it that way.
AYG athletes are hawt but looking at them and thinking "omg omg so hot so hot" makes me sound like a pedo! SO WRONG.

if you were to ask me whether i'd rather suffer my ass to organize something huge like AYG or to suffer my ass off to train for a big competition, i'd choose the latter. and ive made up my mind about that.

i should sleep the pain away.
yeah, sleep your existence away.

i think that some things are better left not known.

if im a kucing, my curiosity would have already killed me.

theres a rowing competition going on in singapore and its just amazing to know that they have conveniently brushed me aside like a fleck of dust on their filthy sleeve. i dont know whether to be sad that they dint inform me or happy that they have decided not to trespass my boundaries. but i do know that my heart aches knowing that i was once a rower and this is happening to me. why are they doing this to me? what have i done to deserve such treatment? and all i wanted was to help them, and spread my love for the sport.

next time i shouldnt have bothered and be selfish.
next time i shouldnt be too bloody nice.
learn, aisyah, LEARN.

ive been really sucky lately. ive not been going for physio bcuz work has been crazy. at least the ppl at yog appreciate my hard work and effort. even thought they pay me kacang. i enjoy doing what im doing. no one barking up my ass, noone making me cry everytime theres a meeting, noone to humiliate me, insult me, hurt me. noone to called me a "waste of time" or "useless".

ill always remember what haireez said to me, whenever possible, never work with your own people.
he's absolutely right.

im tired.

AYG's starting and theres soo much to do and i stayed in the office till 930 last night and i gave 1,000,0001 excuses why i shouldnt go for the fitnessbootcamp at ecp at 8am this morning for the tryout even after mum offered to send me to ecp i dont know why i said im not working and went back to sleep then i trained my client and went to gym and had to finish off some last minute ayg stuff which i have not finished and im sitting here now facebooking and blogging but not doing any work im at home on a sat aftnn and you went to a flea market and u said sorry cuz u dint ask me along but its ok cuz i was supposed to be doing work or going to van's birthday party which i couldnt go cuz i was supposed to work yes on a saturday but im not doing any work and omg im bored and im going crazy and i wanna go out im supposed to go for amaria's party too but theres so much work to do whats wrong with you, aisyah go do some work and not waste time feeling bored and stupid cuz u have work to do and go bloody do them and theres work tmr morning zomg zomg zomg but i love my job but im complaining abt it and its giving me so much stress and i miss my friends i wanna see them now but ecp is just friggin far and im such a lazy ass but i wanna go but i cant decide and im angry and sad and you had to make it worse i wish this feeling will just go away and i dont know what to tell the fitnessbootcamp guy cuz he was looking forward to see me on sat but if i were to go i would have to join in but i cant run/jump whatever ahhh excuses omg i wish TIME WOULD JUST FRIGGIN STOP, and let me think and breathe.
ugh.


its the period, i swear.

geramnyer!

zomg. im so pissed right now i could kill someone.
1. to whom it may concern, if you havent realised, ive been trying all means to get you but you're obviously avoiding me for some reason i dont know what. i told you already, if you dont wanna go, just tell me. i would find a replacement. dont force yourself to go if you dont want to. you can change the passenger, but not the destination. so pls. if youre out there, give me an answer so i wont get so mad. thank you.
2. if youre married and have kids, pls stay faithful. thank you.
3. work is bogging me down. ayg's in less than 2 weeks time. ive been busy with work, not going for physio, steve's angry and he made me cry. what if the only person who gave u hope gives up on you?
4. which part of: i cant play/kick/jump/run do you people not understand? if i can, i would but i cant. its not that i dont want to. i cant! GOD.
5. if ure not willing to stand up for the person you love, dont force yourself, you'll only make a fool out of yourself and cause someone else to get friggin hurt.
6. life is not all about money. pls, pls understand that, i beg you.
7. next time why not, when i reach ur friggin doorstep then u tell me ure not at home lah. ure house is only at the other end of singapore what, not that far. transport's quite cheap too.
8. im tired of working. i want to work. but im tired. i dont know what i want. no, wait. i do know what i want. i want to train. i want to be able to train again. i dont know in what sport but just train. i need to train to keep my mind of things. too many things going on in my head.
9. i suddenly feel like staying in sch for the 4th yr. i think someone needs to slap me.
10. i want my life back. GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK. this is depressing, seriously.
friggin knee.
ergh.

i remembered about half a yr ago, saying something like,"i did badly for my exams".
i remembered sometime ago telling myself to move on if i dont wanna get hurt.
i remembered reminding myself that all i wanted to do was to get back in shape, to be able to run again.
and im doing them again.
and again.
telling myself and being pissed and fed up and throwing tantrums, venting my anger at anyone who gets in my way, making them feel like shit, and feeling sinfully satisfied with that. i keep telling myself all these things, and the best thing is, i do nothing about them.
this is not aisyah.
GET OUT GET OUT.
i want myself back :(
but i feel so empty inside.
i feel dead like a pisang.

i need something exciting in my life.
i need some adventures.
i dont wanna grow old.
i dont want to start working if this is what working feels like.
it feels like ure damn friggin busy,
but u feel empty.
its ironic,
and scary.
its sad.
sad like how my arms wobble when i move them
sad like how my thighs rub against each other when i walk
sad like how i look horribly grotesque in clothes these days.

i miss being smart when i know i will get good grades without having to mug my ass off.
what is there to be embarrassed about? i got my first D. MasyaAllah, i dont even know how. its not that i dint study for it. i did. its just horrid. how stupid can a person get, seriously?
obviously, it pulled my grades down. ooh sad, yeah. im so unmotivated already. ugh.

and you wonder whats happening to me.
i ask myself that everyday.

this thursday, i will go for my biodex test which will determine whether i can start running or not. im not looking forward to it. today i was walking down the slope at my office which i felt a click. not good. i dont know. im just tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. im tired of everything. MasyaAllah.

and i miss being/look like/ feel like an athlete. i dont anymore. it was SO BAD, there was this rp girl who thought i was more like an artsy fartsy person, not an athlete. its sad, really.

i told you. this is not aisyah.
aisyah is not fair. im friggin fairer than many chinese people i know. when was the last time uve seen aisyah fair!!!
aisyah is not fat.
aisyah is not so stupid get D for her friggin exams.
aisyah is not like this. not at all.

whats wrong with me?

ugh.

i should watch nick vujicic every morning when i wake up.
i should feel disgusted complaining about this nitty gritty stuff in life.

whats wrong with me?? :(

its almost 2pm and ive been lying on my bed since 11am thinking what i should do today. im such a loser i tell you.

i am contemplating if i should cut my hair or not. you know i very itchy hand hot abit want to cut hair lah, give 12459248 excuses why i should cut lahh, later complain.

so should i?

aiyah. life is so tough.

then recently, i've learnt that to survive in life, you CANNOT be nice.

can you imagine someone telling you, "hey, sorry but ure too nice, im finding someone else for this job." WAHLAOEHHHH and i havent even met you lah sia and ure judging me from a conversation over the phone? rude or wat. seriously.

and taking the train rides in the morning also taught me that if ure nice, u bloody lose out. if you dont do your daily tak tau malu act by selitting in between 2 existing bodies in the train (esp at jurong east towards pasir ris) and risk the smell of ketiaks and horrid body odour, you dont get to work on time. then padan muker to you. so, ive learnt to stab the singapore lion (kindness movement mascot) on his back and pretend im like a blade of leaf, i tell myself, "i can squeeze in that space there. i can i can!" then there you go, selit away!

but i know, i know, for those who have safely secured their spot in the train and giving that face as though you've just won the national vertical challenge 2009, u feel like u just wanna give that penyelit a huge tight slap the face right? i feel you, brothers and sisters. once in a while, its okay to feel closer to fellow singaporeans. :)

mcm paham. i'll snear at ppl who step on my white adidas loafers, and dont say sorry. if u do that again im gonna scream OWWWWWW and make sure u say sorry.

my fellow countrymen and women (esp women, i realise) are rude creatures!

and i suggest people should invest in a bottle of deodrant, please. if youre too cheapskate, powder will do. it helps, trust me. if a huge fan of bedak wangi. it lasts me tru the day. in other words, i smell nice the whole day. BO in the morning train is a big NO-NO. ugh. and when u have sampah in ur mouth, try breathing thru ur nose and not talk in the crowded train. spare us the pain, please.

life is tough huh? kene mandi pagi-pagi, kene gosok gigi, kene pergi kerje and face the annoying shit-situations u get in the train.

once, at the bus stop, i saw this lady who kene taik burong on her hair, then she abit thick skin i think cannot feel, didnt realise theres taik burong on her hair, its colourless also but damn, i saw that friggin bird shat on her sia. then a few ppl around me saw the rude burong also, but noone went up to her and told her. i feel bad cuz i dint tell her cuz my bus arrived already. :(

sorry mr kindness lion, singaporeans are just born to be bad and ugly.

thats why i think, im an exception. :)

sorry world, im too nice. live with that.

i feel like an adult now, go work everyday, 830 to 630. fooyoh. much effort yo! soyjoy is little effort. sorry if youre the victim of my mengarotness is im bored at work. like sending you MUCH EFFORT good morning mms-cards:

if this goes on, id rather stay in school and force myself to take honours next yr. if not, can u believe it, im graduating next yr!!! i know, rapid kan. its scary. :(

but i dont want school to start. i dont know what i want, seriously.

now, let me get back to my thinking,

should i cut my hair or not?

CHAMPION

WHAT IS A CHAMPION?

really meh?
then i must be a champion. (eleh. stoppit eh. go learn how to run again first.)
dont push it ehh.
(why cannot push, they say if i push i become champion mah!)

horrid.
exams making me turn schizo.
i need antidepressants.
my seratonin levels are high! gimme prozac.
(wah prepared for biopsych nampak! biopsych jargons!)
(jargons remind me of jaggernauts from x-men. those brown helmet robot villians.)

giler eh?
memang.

...

i feel like a champion this week!

1. i dint go for physio/rehab for a week bcuz i was too busy. too busy doing what i dont know. it feels like studying is never ending. (ah complain complain. saper suroh last minute blajaaar!)

my knee lost strength cuz champion mah never train the leg. so, it gave way like 3 times.

CHAMPION knee.

2. but today i managed to achieve (almost) full range okay. except my straightening (off by 5 degrees) okay wut.

CHAMPION.

3. i dint sleep the whole night finishing up my TS1101E portfolio on set design. and went to school for practical exam the next day. thus the eye bags untuk takung air mata and gula gula. (my face sweet ma, i got mosquito bite on my chin today)

CHAMPION nyamuk.

4. the examiner asked me about light designs which was so..OUT and uncalled for and those kind of spot-the-not-ajer-tau-kuranghasam! questions. sengajer seh. takper.

CHAMPIONS pandai asap.

5. i actually studied and FINISHED reading the textbook (!!!) for social psych exam.

ini baru CHAMPION!

6. but i dint study the lecture notes where all the questions in the exams were based on. (same theory applies as champion factor no.4- kuranghasam! questions.) so i couldnt answer (like at all, i swear) 40 marks worth of questions. takper kater...

...CHAMPION kan?

7. i went for the GEK exam not knowing it was open book.

TAKDER LAGI CHAMPION?

8. i camwhored for the first time in many years. (bedek) its not everyday u get perfectlly coiffed hair mah! NAH! ini dia muker champion:

9. thursday got exam still can facebook and blog.

CHAMPION!

10.and last CHAMPION special mention goes to izzat. ah pergi jauh jauh lagi lah. tinggalkan orang.

ini satu kisah cerita tentang budak tinggi gala.
budak nama aisyah blajar banyak banyak sampai gila!

okay dah.
BLAJAR!

birthday :)

one more hour before i turn 21. lets see if i can finish writing this by 12am.
I DONT WANNA TURN 21. I DONT WANNA TURN 21! im freaking serious. you think im kidding?

dinie. says:
anw you OLD alr lor.
dinie. says:
you old, limp fit woman

ohno. ohno. ohno. says:
you should look forward to it!
ohno. ohno. ohno. says:
freedom!

emi j says:
i heard right
emi j says:
those who turn 21
emi j says:
have to study

THANKS, FRIENDS. i have really good friends :)

i have plans for tomorrow.
im gonna spend the day studying. how exciting!!!! i know. u can join me if you want.
(stop complaining, u sound like an old hag)
okay i shall stop.

my mum said "STOPPPIT ehhh" today. i cant remember for what reason but i swear she said that.
and today she blanja-ed my family at breeks. whats the occasion, u ask? nak kene sepak? actually its better if people dont remind me that im turning 21. hahaha. self denial siak budak ni.

(40 more minutes to 20th)
okay what else am i gonna say? okay umm. being 20 had been great. i think.
last yr i had no bday cake for the first time in my life,
i dint grow any taller,
i grew fatter,
i quit rowing (i cant believe i actually did it),
i met the most mengarot person in the world,
who broke my heart,
i almost died, but i didnt,
i got kicked during silat training and tore my ACL,
and it sort of ruined my life,
i survived the surgery,
as usual school life was never interesting,
and hello? why so pessimistic?
when i was 20,
my team won the challenge shield and mini oly,
i ran 11.2km for RunNUS and came in 13th,
i played netball for arts and came in 3rd for IFG,
i organized a rowing competition with 2 guys i can never live without,
i became a stronger person when he broke my heart.

EMO MOMOK. stop it, seriously.

and when i turn 21 what do i wanna do?
i dont know.
WOW.

and exams start on wednesday.
and end on the 5th of may. BEST KAAAANNN?
kiter tau.

so anyone who comes and tell me that they finish exams before i do, i'll gigit their heads.
try me.

and what about my leg?
i can walk fine now but some ppl say i still limp.
and my right leg is officially freaking smaller than my left leg. everyone who realizes it will go, OMG! IT IS SMALLER!
and so is my pantat lor, one big one small. u can see the diff if u take a closer, longer, harder look. but dont u dare. ill side kick u b4 u look at them. but WAIT, what pantat? im pantat-less :(
i can achieve full range already but only when my physio lipats my leg. yeah, literally fold my legs. is it painful?
i screamed and cried when she folded my legs.
im tired of complaining about how painful it is.
7 more months to full recovery.

InsyaAllah.

(20 more minutes) okay, last words form a 20 yr old aisyah:
i want to be able to run again.
and i wanna be able to love again. (aww)
happy 21st, aisyah.
mwah!

u know u love me,
xoxo,
HAHAHA stoppit.
bye!

random thoughts.

0. awful week deserves a zero.
1. i fell down the stairs in NUS. thank God i fell on my bum instead of my knees. but i attempted to break the fall with my injured knee, thats why it was throbbing since that day. when i fell, i dint know what to do so i cried. i feel stupid, but it was painful :(
2. an old lady gave up her seat to me in the train, i refused and thanked her. others pretend i didnt exist, there's money on the floor, and have the sudden urge to sleep when i enter the cabin.
3. there's so much work to do and i havent started studying/revising/catching up. 3 weeks of MC is over. life just ended. or just began. ho ho. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH WORK IVE NOT DONE. u dont wanna know, even i refuse to know.
4. this is stupid but sometimes, i hate being alone.
and sometimes, i wanna be alone.
okay honestly, most of the time, i dont know what i want.
5. why am i so freakin emo.
6. ive never seen jesse mccartney before until i checked out his "how do you sleep" vid.
and i think he's cute.
7. i shall stay away from knee length skirts until i get my calf muscles back on my injured leg.
8. i havent ran for almost 4 months now.
9. i wanna go far far away this hols, i need a travel buddy, quick apply!
10. i secretly wish next year's freshmen guys are HOT CUTE and NICE. not secret anymore. i dont care. i'll be damn pissed if i have no eye candy next year. wait, ive never had one in NUS before. and hello my standards are not so high, seriously guys, where are they?
11. its been a long time since im allowed to oogle google again. i feel like, im too old to do such things.
12. i dont wanna turn 21 :(

MasyaAllah I don’t think I can take it anymore.

Ive got to tell you the truth.

I cry myself to sleep every single night, since Sunday. Every single night, MasyaAllah. Sometimes, I think too much, sometimes I don’t think, sometimes I just feel like crying because it hurts so deep inside, and sometimes I cry and cry, I forgot what im even crying about. MasyaAllah.

I pray all the time that God will take this pain away from me. I trust that He will, but I’ve never been so hurt for this long before. I don’t know why I even let myself get hurt. They say I must be strong, I’ll pull through this. But its so much harder than I thought. I pray to God to give me strength, for me to overcome these challenges. But why do I always feel as though the worlds coming down on me at the end of the day? Whats happening to me?

I woke up on a beautiful Sunday morning, getting a call from someone who hardly knows me, and tells me that she doesn’t like me. Someone who changed my entire life, and since that call, and since that day, my heart was never calm.

After we broke up, you promised to work on us again. I’ve always believed in us, I thought we could always work things out. It has to take two to make us stronger. Then I found out that Im the only one keeping things together between us cuz YOU GAVE UP. You took everything away from me, cuz u were my everything.

Other than getting my knee cut open, and my toenail ripped off by bicycle gears, the next most painful thing in the world is to know that someone you love, don’t love you back the same, and wont stand up for you.

I don’t know why it hurts so much. Maybe youre right, I loved you too much. Is it wrong to love someone wholeheartedly?

Life is cruel, I know. One day you feel like you’re on the top of the world, and the next day, you’re down in the drains. I tell myself every freaking day that Im gonna pick myself up and bloody move on. But MasyaAllah, why am I not doing it?

---

I was off crutches since last Friday. Today marks the 2nd week since my surgery. My extension and flexion have been fairly okay. Ive been going for rehab and physio almost everyday. The doctor took off my stitches today and let me keep the stitch.

I’ve gotta thank adeel and rauf for sending me to rehab so that I could save on cab fare. I spent more than a hundred bucks on cab fares alone last week. I braved the bus alone on Tuesday during the evening peak hour, and the train during the morning peak on Wednesday and today. On Wednesday, an ang moh gave up his seat to me but today, No one gave up their seat. Compassionate society, no?

This knee injury have had brought me thinking about so many things. That’s why I can spend hours just lying on the bed thinking, not sleeping, not doing anything else but just staring into space. Ive been thinking about how much ive taken my leg for granted. I realised that NUS is bloody inaccessible and non-user friendly for the handicapped. I know im bogged down by the million and one things my friends are going tru; paintball, Frisbee, netball, silat friendlies, wakeboarding, what not. I get pissed knowing that they choose to go without me. I get really angry and worked up I start thinking about how caring my friends are. Making me regret going for surgery because its painful and it will take a year for me to go back to do sports.
Then, I feel stupid. I cant be bloody selfish. Doesn’t mean I cant do these activities I have to stop my friends from doing them. But sometimes, I just cant help it. Like receiving daily updates about the NTU-NUS silat friendly tomorrow. As much as I wanna know whats going on in silat, I wished they dint tell me. :(

Its like rubbing the knee brace in my face. You’re injured, bitch. Wake up.

one thing after another. i dont know how much i can take before i give up myself.

post op 3

yesterday was one of the most painful days after the surgery.

i hated yesterday. yesterday made me not want to walk anymore. yesterday sucks.
go pee on yesterday. :(

rauf picked me up in the morning and drove me to sports council (thanks, rauf- 2 CIP hours awarded). i dont know what other ways there are to thank all these people who have helped me. all i could do now is thank them.

jangan emo momok pls. the day just started.

okay then hor rehab/physio was awful, awful, awful :( if children are scared of the dentist but they're forced to go visit the dentist, im scared of physio. i dont like it. physio is like cod liver oil- you know it sucks, its awful and it leaves a stupid taste in ur mouth, but its good for you. physio is just like that.

my knee flexion improved tremendously. i achieved 92 degrees flexion but my extension is baaadd. it was 10 degrees off so my physio had to press press press my shin downwards. tahan tahan tahan. and that only made it 3 degrees better. im about 7 degrees off still. more pressing today :(

if you dont know shit what im talking about, dont bother. be thankful u can straighten your knee.

then my physio took away one of my crutches, so now i have to walk on one. i was so scared to take a step but after so much of pysching up myself i managed to put more weight on my leg. it was painful but the feeling of being able to walk was great. Alhamdullilah.

so i spent close to 4 hours learning how to walk again.

izzat picked me up and we went to smu where i waited for arab class. my leg felt bruised and weak and tired. it was painful. and u can do nothing about it.

i attempted to study at smu but it was just so uncomfortable i couldnt concentrate. my leg was throbbing in pain. i had to shift it regularly so it wouldnt go numb and it sucks if theres semut semut. talking about insects- bloody hell. i swear i hate cockroaches. and smu t junct is filled with them. shit.

i was studying when i felt something wriggling on my feet. SHIT YUCKS ERGH EWWW BLUEK. i shook it off i thought it was a spider then i saw a cockroach crawling out of my shoe. YUUUCKYUCKYUCKYUCKYUCK! it was small but the feelers were long and disgusting and it was just GROSS GROSS GROSS. GROSS.

i couldnt run away so i screamed. then it ran away and i had this most uncomfortable, grossest, stupid feeling in the world for the next hour or so. YUCKS. i hate cockroaches. to hell with them.

then then then as i was walking to arab class, i had to leave first cuz i know ill take forever to walk there. i have walked that walkway for more than a year, okay bedek, for the longest time, ive seen the smu rugby boys train there, muay thai train, but yesterday, while i was walking, of all the days in the world, all the time in the day, of all the people walking along that walkway, the rugby ball rolled and rolled and bounced and happily almost hit me. OMG. i can make my own story of a series of unfortunate events. seriously.

and arab class was good, my writing and vocab improved without any effort put in. i think my brain's starting to work more to compensate for the lack of use of leg. but towards the end of class, my leg, cuz i put in on the floor and blood flows to the wound, it started to twitch and ache and whatever lah the stupid leg then when class ended and i was going to walk again it hurts so much so so so much i cant take it i cried and cried and cried. izzat made fun of me. i know its funny how i walk but its not funny when im the one feeling the pain :(

cab fare home : $20 rip off. :(

thanks, izzat. a lifetime of CIP hours for you. but minus off some because u made fun of me and made me cry, twice.

this morning, i dint wanna wake up cuz waking up means i have to go physio again. (then i was wondering when am i gonna do my work? haiz.) so i was doing my morning exercise something new steve taught me yest, it looked something like this:

the red line represent the tetra band (is that what they call it, the stretchy stretchy thing). anyway, yes so i was supposed to work on lifting my own leg which i find it so mengarotly hard to do. its annoying cuz its just a mere lifting that bloody leg but its not so easy peasy. GOD. so i was SQUUEEZZING AND SQUEEEZZING my muscles, until my face like that shown in the picture above. and finally, MasyaAllah, i lifted my own leg, without the help of the band! but it was awfully painful and tiring. i tried a few times. i was so happy i rewarded myself to a Hershey stick :)

but after i showered, i tried to lift it up again and i cant.

and now im waiting for adeel to wake up to send me to physio. wish me luck.

post op again

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!
I AM SO BORED SO BORED SOBORED SOBREDSOBOREDSOBORED!!!!
saaaaavvveeee meeeeeeee......
im dyyyyiiiinnnggggg my pantats dyyiinngggg my brains dyyyiiinnngggggggg
heeellppp meeeeeeeeeeeee.................................................


BISH.


OMG im so bored nak mampos. i woke up at 9 today i dint wanna wake up cuz theres absolutely nothing to look forward to today tuesdays supposed to be packed school day but i cant go school so im stuck at home and ive been sitting here on my since i woke up at 9 today which i dint wanna wake up cuz theres absolutely nothing to look forward to today tuesdays supposed to be.

WAIT. i remember saying that already.

today i shall not to use the backspace button.

okay so i woke up today i showered on my own today i feel like a grown up kid now i feel gooood when my kaki pijak the floor blood rushes down the kaki like flood then i feel like pain like that like whoa sai sakit nak jalan like shit! like WHATEVER seh. its painful . period. then i sat on my bed after i shower and have been sitting here since then. my pantat can burn sia like this. it'll be flat if this goes on for 2 more days, im pretty sure. flat ass. wait. i have an ass?

not bad. flawless typing skills, aisyah.
no use of backspace.

okay and then after i shower i ate breakfast, what did i eat today? hmm. ahh yes. before i brushed my teeth i ate 2 famous amos cookies bought by elly and shaheen. its called enery energy for exercise. yes i religiously do my knee exercises everyday, 3 times a day. arent u proud of me, daddy? if i dont eat before i do my exercises i might ffaint again like how i did on saturday and i dont want it to happen again cuz it was so scary, i thoughti was gonna die. sheesh. my knee flexion was 75 degrees yesterday weh when i went for physio and rehab. which is good okay but im supposed to achieve 90 degrees by end of this week. but my extension lacks 10 degrees which means i have to do more of leg straightening edx exercises. and yesterday rehab was maaaaddd. i proudly announced i did no merlion tricks after i woke up from my sleep. achievement lah tu konon but when steve told me to le lift up my right foot when i was lying down i couldnt. haha its quite amazing really how cimply simple things like lifting up ur foot cant be done and u have to learn to do it so steve tied a rope around my right ankle and attached it to a pulley which i had to pull at the other end of the ropw so im like lifting my leg up. so it looks something like this:

WAAHHH nice kan i draw! like pro like that. and must SMILE cuz if u look :( then steve will bully you more. he made me do half cycle on the bike machine which i cant possibly draw on paint to show u so it doesnt matter. then he also made me lie down on the floor and stand up without any help u know! when i had trouble standing up from my lying down on the floor position, he simply said, "its okay, centre closes at 530!"

u -_- or u :( or u :'( he wont care one. i dont mind lah, i think every athlete needs a steve to push them hard. but ONE STEVE IS ENOUGH (read: izzat) ONE STEVE IS ENOUGH.

ONE STEVE IS ENOUGH.

okay, then my physio put some electric onto my thighs then i saw all the babbats wobble wobble. HAHAHA damn im so gonna get fat. ill tell u whats on my table right next to me now:

MARKS AND SPENCER triple chocolate crunch

GODIVA milk chocolate strawberries and dark truffle heart

REDONDO choc-hazelnut wafer sticks

FAMOUS AMOS cookies

HERSHEY 60 cal sticks

HAHAHAHA GEMOK SIAK GINI!

but ive been rationing well. theres still more even tho theyve been sitting here for 5 days unless some my monster brothers come and kebas when im not looking. which means if u still want them, come visit me lah u can taste a few. saper cepat dier dapat! woo woo! kalau datang visit yepun, tolong lah restock the chocolate supplies ke, belikan es krim bnj ke, ataupun megabites ke. kalau takder duit, boleh lah kemaskan bilik i ni ke, teman i gi rehab ke, dapat pahala, you. i can give u CIP hours also if u want :)

okaylah. ill try find something else to do. like watching gossip girls, watch the movies i have in my laptop, and annoy some other people online since i cannot annoy people physically now. BOO. :( but i managed to annoy izzat yest cuz he accompanied me for rehab then he cariked pasal with me sia so i cariked pasal back. eeeeeeeeee. okay, ill give you 6 CIP hours :)

i'll make a list of days and time that i need to travel to go for rehab/go school (ZOMG U CANT BELIEVE THIS BUT I MISS SCHOOL) mcm paham. bedek ajer. but id rather go school than sit on my bum the whole day :( :( :( okay dah minah, stop brooding.

yes as i was saying, ill make a schedule form lah, so if u feel like u want to reach out to the society, u dont have to go far, ill always be needing a helping hand.

and today's weather is so SUBHANALLAH sedap untuk tido, so my eagerness to study in the morning died down after 35 mins of studying cuz the weather was just too serene. it was raining then it stopped it wasnt hot, eeee sedap nyer. YELAH sedap sedap tak BLAJAR LAH!

dahlah, i shall go attempt to blajar now.

OMG THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? at 3pm, i was coughing then i saw blood on my wrist! then i was asking my maid, "Kak, aper ni? Aisyah batok abeh ader darah." Then she said, "Aneh." OKay itu sahaja. i shall TRY to stop eating chocolates.

bye!

oh wait. go check this out: http://nosadsadmonster.wordpress.com/

cute sia. GO PEE ON YOUR SAD!

post op

surgery was scary shit, i must admit.
i mean one day, i was able to walk, run, and win medals for captains' ball and dodgeball, next day, im lying in bed the whole day, unable to move my right leg.
i thought i was well prepared for this pain and shit.
boy was i wrong.
i dint expect it to be this painful. its stupid to wish i hadnt gone for surgery.
now i have to live with this excruciating pain, and pray and hope that it will recover soon.
InsyaAllah.
friday, 27th february 2009, 11:30am.
the nurse pushed me from the ward to the operating theatre. when fahmi told me in detail, how it seemed like what we saw in movies, i got reminded of that. it was exactly what it looked like in the movies. i lie there on the bed as i got pushed along the hospital corridors, all i could see were lights and flashes of human passing by. i dint put on my contacts and i had to remove my specs. i was scared so halfway, i covered the blanket over my face. my mum said, jangan takutkan oranglah, nanti orang ingat nurse tu tengah tolak orang dah...
NVM.
at the doors to the OT, my mum couldnt enter. i was left alone. i was so freaking scared. i could hear people talking, people entering in and out of the doors, noone looked as thought they bothered. i was just another patient going for surgery, nothing new to them, nothing special. they see this everyday. 4 different nurses asked for my name and ic number 4 times.
then i met the anaestheticians. there were 2 of them. ive met one of them before during my pre-admission testing. he still can ask me, where do i usually row? i said pandan reservoir. that was the last thing i said before i went to sleep. when they finally transferred me to the operating room, THE REAL THING, there were lots of lights, lots of people in scrubs and masks and shower caps and gloves, nurses at the corner talking about a SALE going on, while i was worried shit about how they gonna put me to sleep. i felt my left wrist being meddled with. the anaesthetician strapped something really tight around my biceps it was so painful but i wasnt bothered by the pain, i was too worried to bother. then i felt a pinch, and then another. My legs started to feel numb. There was a tingling sensation that ran up my arms, they made me breathe into the mask. Breathe in deeply. Once, twice, just close your eyes when you feel like sleeping.
and poof, it became KOKO Krunch!haha. (yeah, aisyah laughing nowadays is hard to hear)
anyway, yes, it was really cool how they put me to sleep.but when i woke up, it was the most excrutiating pain ive ever felt, i cried i shivered i asked the nurses whats wrong with me, they gave me some painkillers, and then i was gone, again.
next thing i knew i was already in my ward.
u were right, fahmi- it felt like just in the movies, except that u cant feel pain when u watch movies.
u have no idea how excruciating the pain was. MasyaAllah, one thing i never want to go through again.
i remembered sleeping most of the time. i couldnt take the pain so i slept it off. and the head kept on spinning everytime my eyes opened. so i keep it closed. amazingly, i didnt purge, not even once, im gonna gloat abt it to steve at ssc tmr. haha.
thanks to everyone who came to visit me, its not everyday u get to see aisyah in beige pyjamas with laces in her most burok face. :)
i cant remember much right aft surgery: it was just too painful to stay awake.

post op day 1: i woke up like a dozen times while i was sleeping, checked my phone to see the time, went back to sleep, forced myself to sleep. first time overnight in the hospital. i remembered i had to pee in a bed pan that night, it was urgent. it was TOUGH. i took like 10mins to pee. i DONT WANT TO EVER DO THAT AGAIN. thats why the next morning when nature called again i demanded that they bring me to the toilet. so i had to sit on this wheelchair with the hole but going out of bed and onto the wheelchair was so torturous, MasyaAllah. things i dont want to remember.(delete.delete.) :(
i waited for my mum to come. they brought me to the rehab area where i was the only patient i swear below 30, even below 60 is possible. the physio made me do some exercises that was so painful i cheated. i know its for my own good but it was really UGH. then she taught me how to use the crutches, that was when it was so painful my head started spinning, i couldnt hear anything, i could see white lights, luckily they made me sit and drink quickly. then they sent me to my ward. cuz i was still weak. ugh.
later, they wheeled me to the xray to take an xray of my knee. that was the last station of the "walk around SGH" time for patients. exciting.
before discharge, the nurse changed my dressing. that was the first time i saw the wound. wait, i dint see it. i dint dare to. i know there's a long stitch somewhere, i chose not to remember. the nurse had to change my clothes for me as well. i felt like a big baby. the final torture session before home was going into the cab. MasyaAllah.
again, i dont wish to remember it.

---

at home, i did the exercises diligently. i slept the whole of saturday. i woke up early sunday morning, dying to take a shower and brush my teeth which i havent done in 2 days. of all the pain that i had gone through, this morning's experience was the scariest. i wasnt used to crutching so after shower with the help of my maid, i tried to crutch back to my room but i couldnt. it was so painful, i couldnt hear anything, my vision started to turn white, i was shivering, i was sweating, my maid was so scared she said i looked so pale she dint know what to do. i sat down, took deep breaths, my maid rushed to get me a cup of water, MasyaAllah, i almost fainted, ive never felt that way before, it was so so so scary. MasyaAllah.
after that i spent half the day resting on bed, cuz i was so scared it might happen again, but in the afternoon, Alhamdullilah, I managed to walk a little with my crutches. And Alhamdullilah, I managed to pray.
I have 22 days of MC which means I will be missing loads of mid term tests and term paper deadlines. I have to travel regularly to SSC for rehab, get my range of motion back and start to learn to walk again. I pray that everything will be fine, InsyaAllah. I pray that I will stay strong and not give up. I just pray that I dont have to go tru this ever again once its over.

God, give me strength.

i was talking to this senior online, this is what he said:
"silat pulak dah rowing, silat pulak why can't you just sit still now you're injured, you're not happy right? you like the lifestyle you're in now ah, getting injured, getting blisters on palms, going for ops? don't you want to take a back seat in life, and do some other stuffs instead?"

i dont know what to say.

---

i forgot how it feels like to have a fever. if i remember correctly, last i was down with fever was way back in sec3/4-ish, the only thing i could remember clearly was that my fever was so bad, KKH made me shower in ice water.

and now im heating up. i dont know if it still works but im putting a towel soaked in ice cold water on my head. i mean, if im still able to type this it means that its not so bad right? i dont have a thermometer at home. so much for having a paramedic in the house.
the grogginess is gone, Alhamdullilah. its just the flu and cough thats annoying me. if they persist, i doubt i can go tru surgery tmr.

yes, surgery is scheduled to take place tmr morning at sgh.
i have to stay over one night to get subsidised rates, if i choose not to, i have to pay $7k in cash.
im not looking forward to anything.
i just wish that i hadnt had gone for that silat trng on 23rd dec. but thats just stupid.
im gonna brood/cry/whine/complain/sulk/whatever, i know.
just bear with me, will you.

so, what made me sick?
nak menang punyer pasal.
we had this mini olympic games on tuesday at NTU.
NTU is far. like bloody FAR.
i was late cuz i had an appt with my surgeon that morning. i took a cab from SGH to NTU and it cost me $20. it was THAT far.
when i reached NTU i thought i was in johor, until i saw a group of chinese people, i changed my mind. it wasnt johor, its china.
the weather these days has been confusing. like seriously, MAKE UP YOUR MIND. do u want it to be scorching, burn my face HOT or drizzle-rain-wind blow-shivering COLD. and the best thing was that on tuesday, we played in the hot sun -heavy drizzle weather. 4 out of 5 of my teammates fell sick, including me. yeah the weather in ntu-china made me have fever for the first time in 3/4 years.

other than that,
we won the games.
it was a good win cuz we almost lost dodgeball to the team that got 2nd place.
they were hell good at dodgeball, finally some competition, eh?
i have to admit we suck at dodgeball, we're just lucky.
but sorry captain's ball is just our forte.
so yeah, we brought home a medal and cert, and flu/fever virus from ntu-china.

and aisyah being aisyah dint want to sit still and stay at home,
went swimming with the Tjunct girls on wednesday.
again it felt like i was in another country, somewhere in jurong west, where confused weather prevails.
it was hot, im burnt now (again) then it drizzled, then hot, then cold.

and tada,
2 days of ntu-china and jurongwest-jb weather,
im down with fever/flu/cough.
it was so bad during arab class, my mind just went blank for like a few minutes. it was scary. like i said, i forgot what it fels like to be really sick. and of all the time in the world, i chose to be sick this week.

and if i still feel like SHIT like this,
they'll have to postpone my surgery.

oh and its friday alr tmr.
i havent done a single school work.
whats wrong with me?

here's the thing.
i almost forgot-

Assalammualaikum.

yes. the thing is. i cant wait for my surgery, but i dont want it to happen, now that i can walk normally. but if u look at my legs long enuf, if u have nothing better to do, and if u think tree trunks are nice to look at, u can actually see the huge difference in size between my right and left leg! my physio told me that when the ligament tears, the body automatically shuts down the entire leg thus muscles not working as much, and body tends to depend on my uninjured leg more. its kinda pretty tho, my legs, they look like they belong to 2 different ppl. kinda cool. i told my physio why dont u kick my other leg so they'll be equally smaller.

and why i cant wait for the surgery is because i want to get it done and over with ASAP so i can start playing again.
u have no friggin idea how much i want to play all sorts of things. God! soccer, netball, run, RUN, RUN, SOCCER, NETBALL, SILAT, RUN, gaaah!!!
if i had the chance to change one thing, i would want to ban everyone from playing all sorts of sports until i am able to play again. but thats just stupid and selfish.
but taking the bus across the NUS field almost everyday to travel from arts to eat at megabites make me feel like ERGH.
im such a loser sia.
grow up.

i was browsing tru my 'old' pics when i was young and healthy and not injured.
i miss soccer,
and my long hair.

ok dah. im tired of complaining.

but, if i dont complain,
ive got nothing to say.

bye.

HAHAHA.
lets attempt to talk about the rainbows, and the sun, and the bright lovely day.
i cant think of any.

i watched a hall production last night. it was supposed to be an abstract play on love, lies and life. something like that and u know im not an avid fan of "things that require you to think" thus it wasnt really my kind of stuff. id rather watch kusumawangi again and get scared again. thats why its a malay production- not much thinking required, cater to the audience. know thy kind, bebeh.

oh and i went to the UHWC for the first time since the pre-admission health check. i have had this persistent cough for 2 weeks so i finally decided to not be stubborn and trod my way to YIH to visit the doctor. the doctor was awfully rude. but okay i paid $5 for everything so i guess he knows how much he's worth thus the lousy attitude. so that night i told fairuz that if he were to become a doctor someday, well he is anyway, dont be like that. its just awful.

but when i went to the sgh private clinic for my consultation with the knee surgeon, i thought i would have received better service but he was the same! i had to pay $85 to see this surgeon's face who dint even face me, dint smile. come on and for like 2mins, he ripped $85 off my mum's pocket. and oh apparently i wasnt given a choice so i was immediately given private class which means i have to pay $5000 on day of surgery which made my mum blew her top so surgery's pretty much not settled yet.

and school oh school's getting busier by the day. the presentations, the sunday 8am meetings in sch (yes, tmr, mind you- SUNDAY MORNING 8am SCHOOL), the tests, this and that, the wobbling knee, the flights and flights of stairs in NUS, whenever i climb the stairs in school, i wonder how im gonna do the same after surgery.

oh the rehab guy made me do 100 one legged (injured leg) squats and 1-min wall squats that day and i almost died. my pantat still throbs in pain.
and he reminded me that what im going tru now will be nothing compared to what i will go tru aft the surgery. i dont know if i should laugh, or cry.

or just not think about it.

i have this stupid cough which almost made me pass out a few minutes ago. crying didnt help much. why dint i just passed out and die? it would make the world a better place for everyone. insurance money, less whining and complain, and sports council doesnt have to fork out thousands of dollars for my surgery.

my knee doesnt hurt any more in fact it hasnt given way for the longest time. its not good. it pissed me off cuz im gonna spend 9months not being able to play sports and now i dont feel an itch on the knee. full recovery after surgery takes 9months. stop brooding, they say. but sports is the only thing im good at and the only thing that makes my stress go away. now that i cant do any bloody exercises, u want me to be happy about it? yea yea dont start with the 'stay optimistic' bullshit. im an athlete and ive lost a part of my life. how do u want me to be myself now? and with school work, project meetings, presentations, having to travel all the way to kallang for rehab and physio then back to school at the other end of the world for class- life currently sucks.

and stop it with the 'ure not in this alone' shit. u have no idea how much it sucks to see myself not exercising, giving a million and one excuses, brooding, complaining, being so bitchy, perpetually moody.

i admit it, im brooding. im such a loser. what kind of athlete am i?

oh wait. what kind of athlete is sportless?
my kind.
i dont deserve to be called one.

its just too much things to take and its only february.
if i annoy you cuz im weak, why dont u just come shoot me.
id rather be dead.
i cant stand myself like this.
i feel sorry for myself.

lets have one less weakling in the face of this earth.
the fittest will survive, remember?

• There is blunting of the body and the anterior junction of the medial meniscus suggestive of free edge tearing or fraying.
• There is increased signal in the medial collateral ligament suggestive of intraligamentous sprain injury.
• There are focal areas of abnormal bone marrow signal suggestive bone contusions along the medial aspect of the medial femoral condyle, the sulcus terminalis of the lateral femoral condyle and along the posterior aspect of the proximal tibia.
• There is a moderate joint effusion.
• There is complete rupture of the anterior cruciate ligament.

reason #2958 why i dont take science.

and reason #2 why i should have.

THATS MY KNEE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. and all i know is that its in bad, bad, bad, bad shape.

the physio guy laughed when he saw my mri scan report. i said it wasnt funny. :(

the rehab guy said its not the worst case, it could have been worse, its not the end of the world. he added that i should just stick to rowing. no soccer, no silat, no cycling. just rowing. i laughed.

the doctor said if i want to continue with my active lifestyle i must go for surgery. if not, i can only stick to sports that dont require me to turn, jump, run. if i go for surgery, complete recovery takes 9 months.

i was imagining an aisyah without netball, soccer, silat, running, jumping.

i cant.

i was brooding the whole friggin day yesterday. ive read hundreds of stories of athletes who've went tru various surgeries, some worst than mine, and still succeed in the future, as an athlete or not. im not ready to start an inspirational story of my own. im not prepared for this. im still sportless now. this is bad, just bad.

and the year just friggin started.

first the break up, now the knee.

i wonder what else 2009 has in store for me.

my blog was privatized a few weeks ago and some people got mad cuz i didnt add them into the list of people who's allowed to view my blog. thing is,


i didnt invite anyone.

but good thing is, im surprised! people actually do read my blog.
if that is even a good thing.

i privatized my blog cuz some people found it wrong; unethical? intrusive? intrusive upon what? my own privacy?


im intruding on my own privacy.
hmm.

i blog about important events in my life.
okay, maybe not.
i blog about the most randomest things in the world,
i realised.

but thats who i am. and how i like it to be.

i like to tell people where i went and what i did and who talked to me today and who didnt and whats new and whats not and what i like and what i dont.

i know i dont blog about issues regarding the war, the politics, the environment, science and technology, the world, the citizens, the president and what nots. its not that i dont think about them neither am i ignorant nor well-read. i know these stuff. i read the news. (yes i do. slap yourself if you were shocked to hear that i read the news.)

but its just not me to write about these issues.


so tell you what.


i write what i like.

its not that i dont write about important things in my life.
if you think i dont mention about my family much, it doesnt mean they're not important to me.
thats just plain dumb to think like that.

and if you dont like what i write.

dont reaaaadddddd.

ANYWAY, lets get on with more random things.

#01: i cut my hair. like REAL short. like SHORT short. like budak cina wear sluar go school mcm tak pakai sluar tak senonoh kalau kaki lawa takper tapi tak lawa SHORT.

THAT short.

#02: thats like one of the few nice short haired aisyah pics i have. cuz i dont camwhore on my own anymore. i dont know why. i think...

ive grown up.

#03: i love settlers' cafe. cuz thats where taboo, jenga and soldadu songs happen when tjuncts come in full strength.

How many malay uni students does it take to break a glass?

10, with a game of taboo.

#04: my knee injury aggravated. something to do with an MCL strain and meniscus tear.

champion comment goes to Maressa:

"I think i tore my meniscus"

"Whats meniscus?"

"Its the bottom part of the water in the test tube."

#05: i paid $900 for my MRI scan for my knee. there goes my holiday earnings. hurrah.

ive learnt a moral tho: never quarrel with your parents before you ask for money.

#06: last thing i wanted to say is that..i blog cuz its the only form of writing i do these days. ive lost the touch of writing. blogging makes me not lose it totally. see even my sentence structure like want to kena sai. how liddat.

#07: and finally. tmr im gonna do something stupid that might make me regret. so if i come back crying to you saying that i shouldnt have done it, throw rocks at me.

i have never really thought i had to go through this.

• change my laptop background
• move our pictures to "thepast" folder
• take down our photos hanging on my room wall and on my study table
• put all the stuff uve given me into THE box
• write you a hate email
• change my status in fb
• waking up another day knowing that youre not there, and will never be there ever again.

1st january 2009.

new year? yes.

happy? certainly not.

izzat and i are officially over. nothing to celebrate about. certainly nothing i expected. but what has to be done was done. it looks so easy, sounds so simple. you hate me, you dont like me, you think we cant be together, you lost faith and hope in us, you bloody tell me.

but no. you chose to deal with it the hard way. and gave not only me a hard time but yourself as well.

you cheat on me. you lied. and lied. and lied. to me, to your best friend, to your mum, to my mum. you hurt me. so, so bad. so bad, i cried for days. until i felt numb. and was out of tears. you disgust me, i cant even eat.

you told me to change for you, for myself, for the better. and i tried. i did. but you didnt. you never did. you cheated on your ex, and now on me. you went out with a girl, brought her to places you promised to bring me, watched a movie with her you told me you wanted to watch with me. you lied. you filthy liar.

how do you even look at yourself in the mirror after what you've done?

arent you ashamed of yourself?

you should be.

you're a coward, weakling, you cant stand up for the ones you love. if i were rich i'll send you to a plastic surgeon and tell him to attach some balls to you. you need them, seriously. but sorry im not rich. so you gotta find them yourselves. i heard city hall sells them. which one do you prefer, "jerk" or "bastard"?

im not sad anymore that we're together. im just so angry. and hurt. im so angry i could give u double kick where your balls should be and sucker punch on the face. but what do i get by hurting you? i dont get satisfaction by hurting someone. im not like you. or maybe, i dont purposely hurt someone to make him or her hate me. i dont hate.

what did the 10 months mean to you? was i a playtoy you found, something to keep you company and loved when u need it and throw away when u find something better or got bored? then why the fark did u do that to me?

i never did lie to you. maybe one or two white lies like i told you i ate dinner when i actually didnt. and like i told you i watched cartoons when it was actually sappy indo dramas. i loved you, stupidly, so much. they said,

"love like theres no tomorrow. dance like theres noone watching."

and i did and this is what i get in return of my faithfulness and undying love. idiot.

and fark. we just came back from bintan, we just celebrated our 10th month and your farking birthday. didnt you think of all that before you did what you did? do you even think?

then whats the point of going to RI for 4 years and still not being able to think. or only think at certain times and do stupid things when not thinking.

if i had lied to you or cheated you or hurt you in any way possible, i would have understood why you did what you did but faaark. i hadnt.

and what if i hadnt found out that you cheated on me? would you have hid it from everyone, keep lying to the people around you, lying to yourself, and think you could get away with it?

and like i said and will always tell you,

change yourself, before you change others.

now leave.