And then,

So as you already know the past few months have been one of the darkest periods of my life. I never really thought transitioning from being an athlete to living a normal life is going to be this hard, especially knowing that i can never do normal.

Recently I was sharing with someone that I was going to find scholarships to help me fund for my studies. She told me, "why can't you work like everyone else?" It cuts me deep to hear that. I have been working, I worked, I earned, and then I helped a brother pay his credit card debts because I didn't want him to face going into bankruptcy at a young age. Was she there with me when I went through this?

And then there was the questions that people incessantly ask me, "are you still rowing?" or "have you retired?" and when I tell them I'm taking a break, a wave of disappointment washes over them. Do they know what it means to put aside your life to train? Time that you will never earn back? Sometimes I will feel bad and I will say things like, "I'm still aiming for Tokyo. I'm still training and just needing to sort out stuff with rowing so that I can get back on track." Just to make them feel happy. But why?

It is true though that I am still sorting out stuff. I've bene through and going through alot with rowing. If I can tell you all the stories, I would but it's not time yet. For now, I shall focus on being the best version of myself everyday. My priorities for now will be getting this masters and securing an awesome career.

Recently I had a chat with a sponsor who broke the news to me that they are not going to continue to support me because I am not competing anymore. Which is fair but of course, hard to swallow. I was expecting it so I was nonchalant about it and was open and honest about my situation. But of course it doesn't make sense competing only to be sponsored kind of thing. you know?

But when I walked out of the office, I felt...free.

And just a few moments ago, an old friend reached out to me and asked me if I knew this person. And I said yes, I do. And he said, he heard this person saying nasty things about me. And I know, I KNOW, I shouldn't bother but it hurts. It hurts so much to know this especially knowing that you have all these things you can tell the world but you keep it deep inside you because you're too nice.
I wish I could be less nice and be mean. But why would I want to wish that upon myself? I'm an advocate for always being kind. Always see the good in others. I must not change who I am just because of what others say about me.

These people are mean because they are jealous. They are envious of the position I am in. They hurt me, and bring me down because they can't bear to see me happy. But I will not let them win. I will not be daunted by them. I will stand tall.

I will rise above them all, you will see.
x

A little bit about my recent travel adventures

So, I'm gonna use this platform to rant and to write anything that I feel isn't suitable for my readers on Aisyahrower.com. (Yes, you may be surprised but I do have people reading my blogssss! I'm well surprised myself!) So I came back from a 2 months trip where everything didn't go according to plan during that trip. Here's a brief recollection on what happened:

May: I left my job at NP because I wanted to look for greener pastures. I felt that my daily time at work could be better used developing myself in the field that I am more passionate about. I'm not saying that I wasn't passionate about student development. I like my job, I enjoy working with students and helping them "develop" but I wanted to do more. I wanted to change lives. I mean I still could change lives as a student development officer but PLEASE CAN I GET ON WITH MY STORY ALREADY. Just assume that I've thought about it well and through that the current job that I was in was not helping me grow anymore. In fact, I sat on the dilemma for WEEKS. I even had to consult Google asking her: "how to make hard decisions" and rewatch Ruth Chang's Ted Talk on decision making over and over again to make sure that I'm making the right decision.

But as we all know very well from life experiences, there's never a right decision. Life-changing decisions are meant to be hard. That's what makes life exciting and worth living for, right?

Right.

I remembered crying so much on my farewell party because it is hard to find colleagues who care about you so much that it hurts to leave.

So off I went, heading to UK to start my masters and live with my ex-bf in London. I've already applied in some schools and got accepted, so close to getting a scholarship to get my Masters funded and then, I broke up with my ex (thus, called an ex now) and didn't see a reason for me being in London because that would mean higher living costs and all that having to live alone, etc.

June: I continued my plan which was to volunteer at a summer rowing camp up in Craftsbury in Vermont, USA where I met the most amazing rowing people. Being there reminded me of why rowing is fun and how beautiful it can be if you remove the distractions caused by politics and power and even sometimes the idea of competition. Rowing is such beautiful sport, I've trained so hard and so many times that it started to lose its meaning and enjoyment.

Anyway, Vermont is beautiful and I met a couple there who said that I MUST ROW ON THE CHARLES and that I can stay with them if I do head to Boston. So I went to Boston, stayed with the beautiful couple in their beautiful house and rowed on the Charles. I absolutely fell in love with Boston.

How can you not love this view of Boston from the water?

And then I did a cat sit in Boston right in the middle of the city along one of the most expensive areas to live in. I feel so blessed. I was pretty apprehensive about this cat-sitting thing initially because you have to pay like a hundred dollars of registration fee but it turned out to be a pretty good deal. 

And then I went to New York and again got free accommodation for like 10 days because I was cat-sitting, and right next to the WTC. An airbnb would have cost me a bomb in that area. And the cat was super adorable and easy to take care of anyway. I did another cat sitting in Washington Heights which is in the outer suburbs of Manhattan and faced a cat-sitting nightmare when the poor kitty had diarrhoea and was pooping all over the floor. Nice.

After NYC, I went to Montreal to volunteer with Marco Displatro, a Canadian Boccia player, multiple World Championship medallist, and Bronze medalist in the London 2010 Paralympic Games. I learnt not only on how to work with athletes with muscular distrophy, but also understand more about the sport and the Canadian sport scene as well. I also spent a bit of time with his helper, Joanna, who is a lovely lady from Poland, passionate about Boccia and lots to learn from her.

After Montreal, I flew over to Nice, where I met Ross and Brian and Nice is absolutely beautiful. My main reason to head there is to climb Mont Ventoux, which is one of the climbs the Tour de France cyclists do but not in this year's climb. So up we went, all 1912m of it. My bike's shifters refused to work so I had to rent a bike, which turned out to be a pretty okay bike (nothing like the Tarmac) but oh well.

I reached the summit around 20-30mins ahead of Ross (which I should not bring up again because he's more of the cyclist and not me). Brian was having some problems with his bike but he was brave enough to finish the ride. I'm proud of all of us. It was one hell of a ride, I must say.

Ross and I decided to meet in Paris after we soaked in the sun, sand and sea in Nice to catch the finals of the Tour de France, which was unexpectedly pretty intense and exciting. In a way, it made me want to compete again but...

..but I need to focus on other priorities in my life before I delve into training again.

So after Paris, I took a bus to Dusseldorf to meet Zakiah, because I owe here a visit since I pangseh-ed her last year during raya. Initially, I didn't like Dusseldorf cuz I was there on its hottest week and being a "green" city, they dont use AC and Zak's house didn't had a fan so it was HOT. There also seemed like there was nothing much to do but when I went for the walking tour with Zak (which was also quite boring and dry- haha), I realised that it was the little things about Dusseldorf that made it unique and interesting. I love the fact that it is such a runnable/cycable city.

I took a flight to London, met up with Yatay and actually spent a few days dreading London, although I've always thought I liked London. I think I'm starting to become more of a countryside lover as opposed to being a city-lover. I don't enjoy the high prices, the overwhelming bustle of activities and high traffic or both vehicles and human.I managed to squeeze in a few good runs around the city. One thing about my runs is that I've been telling myself that I should go for long, slow runs, but my long is not long enough! Ugh. Can I not be lazy already?

I need a proper training programme.

Or more like, I need a clear direction in where I want to be in life. UGH.

okay, moving on.

I had a cat sit duty in Bath, which I was dreading initially because Bath is 3hrs away and I'll be completely alone but it turned out to be a really nice house with a really nice cat. An outdoor cat (first of its kind for my house sitting experience) and scared me one day when I couldn't find it anywhere in the house, in the garden or around the area the whole morning! But it came back eventually after 4 hours of worrying me. Bath was beautiful. In fact, I have been there 3 x and this is the first time I've seen it in the sun. The house also had some berry bushes where I helped myself to fresh blackberries everyday and a trampoline! It was strange being alone in a big house but honestly, I kinda liked it.

Bath was the final destination before I headed back home. 

It has been a week since I've been back and to be honest, other than a row with the ERC ladies last week, I haven't really been out in the sun! I've been either cooped at home, in the gym or in some cafe/library on the computer sorting out my life. I haven't missed a day of training since I've been back and that is why I think my body is telling me to rest now. It started with a sore throat yesterday and then a full blown flu last night which made my sleep fog uncomfortable that my head hurts. And now, swollen eyelids, stuffy nose and a head ready to fall asleep at any time.

I do get asked what I'm training for and honestly guys, I don't know. I wish I knew but I don't. So I'm just training to keep my fitness level up and to maintain my strength and I guess that is the way I should approach this and not only do it because I have an upcoming race. Focus on the process, not the results.

I hope to tell you more about each city that I visited and my future plans!

x

The Return of the Aisyah

I guess it's finally back to return to the good old blog. Just because the aisyahrower blog should be pretty much about rowing and aisyah as a rower but I want to be more than just a rower. I want to be a human. And often when I write a post, I'll be asking myself, is this appropriate to be posted on aisyahrower and often the answer is no so it ends up either in the draft folder or in my ever notes, waiting for someone to chance upon it when they use my laptop or my phone or something like that.

So yes, I haven't been competing in rowing since 2016. Well, I did a Masters race with the Easter Rowing Club in Hong Kong in October 2017 but like a proper 2000m, last race was the Asian Champs right after Rio in September 2016. I would lie if I said I haven't rowed since then because there are a few times when I was out on the water in Singapore. I also did some coaching in Vermont and managed to steal a few opportunities to row on the Hosmer and later on the Charles in Boston and even in Zurich once when I had a 6hours layover on my way to Nice from Montreal.

Yes, I have been around the world, my goodness. But my life seems like a repeat and it is going nowhere but around and around and back to square one.

Very quickly, let me summarise what life has been since Rio 2016:

After the Asian Champs in China (which I can't even remember which city, maybe Beijing, because I think it was where the Olympics was held), I went to train in Philly with Vesper. It was fall and it was cold. It was probably the first time in my life I was wearing pogies. I liked Vesper because I was driving a really cool car and I know that I was being paid and I didn't had to worry about money because everything was covered- car rental, accommodation, fees, etc.

And then in January, I returned to Sydney but remembered I hated rowing so much. I went for the training camp but it wasn't in Jindy. I can't really remember where it was but I left after a few days because I hated it. I drove back to Sydney and met Rob and we sat at the beach. I believe it was Maroubra. And I felt relieved. I was happy. I told AB and he said that he will give me a 6 weeks break or something like that from rowing.

I learnt how to swim and did some boxing. I dislocated my shoulder in February and was sitting on the bicycle for at least 2 hours each day every single day because that was about the only thing I could do. It was either at home or in the altitude chamber. I dislocated my shoulder again 3 weeks after the first dislocation while showering.

I remembered my first day back on water at the new Sydney Uni boat shed. It wasn't amazing. It was hard. All I remembered was that everything was hard. Or that I've become soft. Either way I wasn't enjoying rowing like how I used to.

Then I had to leave Sydney in May. I think me and Rob got together somewhere around that period. There wasn't an exact period when we got together again but it somehow happened. I remembered liking him alot when he took care of me when I dislocated my shoulder. Rob left Sydney too to get back to the UK. We had plans for Canada by the end of 2017.

I went back to Singapore in May and decided that I wanted to run away because I'm good at that, so I went to do some farming in Sweden, in Enkoping to be exact. It was in the middle of nowhere, hardly any wifi, so it was good for the soul kind of thing. Farming was mundane but I learnt alot. The hosts made their own cheese, planted their own fruits and vegetables, they were self-sufficient, it was a very hippie lifestyle, and I know I won't want to do that in the future but it was a great experience.

After WOOFing, I met Yati and Henrik for midsummers, and then left for Oslo, Norway. I didn't really fancy Oslo and I was supposed to fly to Dusseldorf to meet Zakiah for Hari Raya but I was sitting at the train station in Oslo crying because I miss home so I bought a one way ticket home.

I went back to Singapore to start training for my first triathlon. Did a random Europe trip in August for no good reason but just because we were both not working. I think we went to UK first, then flew in to Venice from there, drove down to Croatia, passing by this city in Italy which I can't remember at the top of my head right now, Piran (Slovenia), and the cities we visited in Croatia were Zadar, Split, Dubrovnik and we also went to the islands Hvar and Brac. Okay now I remember, it was Trieste in Italy. We also drove into Bosnia and Herzegovina and visited Mostar which was a pretty interesting.

After this random Europe trip, we went back to Singapore where Rob spent 3 months there. He was just like training, I guess. Not sure for what, really. I guess he was supposed to look at the possibility of working in Singapore? He was working on his photography skills. And then in October, he broke his foot on the day I did my Aquathlon where I came in 1st in my age group, not bad considering I just picked up swimming at the start of the year. And I spent the next 2 months pushing him on a wheelchair, including our trip to Bali. Bali was beautiful but we didn't do much because it wasn't really the most accessible place in the world.

After Bali, we went back to the UK to celebrate Christmas which was beautiful. We left for Vancouver because we wanted to experience Vancouver at its coldest. There was just so much snow and I skied for the first time in my life. I love winter. I told myself that I am going to train for the Winter Olympics.

And 2018 came around, I started work in February. Quit in May because I refused to be sucked into the world of 9-5 (more like 8-7 where I worked). I went to train in the morning, went to work, and then couldn't muster up any energy or motivation to train again in the evening. Life was mundane, work was OK, to be honest, it wasn't all that bad. But oh my life, it was on repeat, day in, day out. I needed to get out of there. I didn't even had time to wash my hair.

I used up my leaves before I resigned to visit Rob in UK and we road tripped around Wales which was incredible! I fell in love with Wales. I did most of the cycling alone.

I also came up with a 100days of me project which was to be able to do a handstand by the end of 100 days (which was the day I turned 30). I could only do a  wall handstand. And till today, still cant do a handstand. It requires you to train everyday and WHY DO I FIND IT SO HARD TO DO IT EVERYDAY IF I CAN ROW EVERYDAY FOR THE PAST 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE?

After Wales, I left for Singapore, finished up my work and went back to the UK to be with Rob. But I felt like I was wasting my days away so I went to the US to volunteer at a rowing summer camp in Vermont, met a couple who told me that they would be able to host me in Boston if I wish to row on the Charles, so I went over to Boston, and life took a 360 degrees turn.

After Boston, I was supposed to coach in Saratoga and New York City but I didn't because plans changed. So basically I was just travelling, training, looking at schools, etc. I applied for schools in the UK but postponed them because I didn't want to be in the UK. Rob and I broke up.

I saved alot on accommodation since i found this housesitting website. Loved the fact that I could stay in a home for free at places I never imagined myself staying at like next to the World Trade Centre in NYC and on Commonwealth Ave in Boston.

After US, I cycled up Mont Ventoux in France, visited Paris, took a bus to Dusseldorf in Germany which passed by Brussels, Belgium and Eindhoven, Amsterdam which I thought was pretty cool.

The gearing on my bike broke down which sucks because I spent alot on travelling with my bike and I cant even use it.

So here I am, back in the UK, spent a few days with my best friend in London and now doing some cat sitting in Bath. I love Bath.

Somewhere in that muddle, I launched my YouTube/Podcast series called Sports Gala Show. I interviewed some athletes, learnt a lot from them, but haven't had the time to edit the rest of the videos. BECAUSE I'M FUCKING LAZY.

I also got a gig to coach rowing machine at Triple Fit.

So there you go, story of my life. I feel that my life has been on repeat. I try and I fail, or fail to try. I dont know but I must keep reminding myself that it's okay to start again.

I do have occasional mental breakdowns, sometimes more often that I should. Just because I feel useless and aimless without a sporting goal in mind. It is scary how we talk about post-Olympic depression and shit like that but I believe I went through it. My life was a mess, although you dont really see it in me or in my social media, but I was not a happy camper. I tried to fake it till I make it. But I end up going round and round in spirals that brought me to nowhere.

So now I need to get out of that rut. I am going to take ownership of my life. It is absolutely okay that I am not competing, although it is hard to accept. But I know that one day, I'll be back. Wearing the national colours on my back, the Singapore flag on my chest. I know that I am not ready to leave yet. There is still a fighting spirit in me. But I'm gonna make sure that when I finally retire from competitive sport, I will have something to fall on to. A career that would make me as happy as sports does. That is my aim now. To build that career I'm gonna love.

And love, well, that's for another story.

xx