okay so you see i was supposed to write this entry as a comeback for someone's really smart ass blog entry which i do not wish to share here (well not yet i guess, not now) and writing a comeback for it requires an angry mood to set the tone right unfortunately im nowhere near angry at this moment.
im feeling more of BLEARGH.
like a mixture of lethargy and sloth and laziness and procrastination.
nothing of anger. nope.
but oh well lets just see how it goes. let me tell you about my day first.
its 12:48pm.and im at home. AHHH THE LIFE.
i've been home about an hour? an hour plus? or 2 probably? i dont know. as usual, ive lost track of time.
i havent eaten lunch, which explains the inefficeincy of my brain. im hungry but im too lazy to cook up a meal or even order something online. i'm officially one with my bed since i got home.
and talking about my bed, it was infested by bed bugs recently, okay infestation is an exaggeration but i was bitten like a piece or meat on a kebab skewer. when i was in korea, mum called me to say that she'll be sleeping on my bed cuz she has been getting bed bug bites. i think she brought some of those tiny little devils over to my bed! the first night i slept at home, i started to itch, i thought they were mosquitoes but my room never had mozzies! because of that i had to wash my mattress cover siols. stupid bed bugs.
and for the past three nights i have been having problems sleeping at night. sleeping after training in the day, taking my usual daynaps as and when i can doesnt seem to have a problem but i take like 2 hours to fall asleep and it has been irritating me. is this what insomnia is? im worried like hell i dont know why. i dont like my sleep to be taken away by awful disorders. im gonna see a doctor for this today. im a wreck i swear. i can never be free from all these pain and disorders and injuries. from one to another. gaah.
okay so yes, training today was, SHORT. MUAHAHAHHAH (sarcastic evil laughter).
no seriously, coach said, "todays training gonna be short but intensive." and he meant every word he said. MY GOD. although short means minus 2k off our usual mileage, it was really draining, i swear. the sun was being alittle nice today. thank GOD. but the pieces were crazy. Masyaallah. We survived it.
that brought me back to what happened a few weeks before my sea games in 2005. here's some excerpt from what i wrote 6 years ago:
Tuesday Nov 1 2005
one more month and thats it maaaan. i'll be out of this camp, i get to go out wherever i want, whenever i want, i dont have to sleep thinking of training the next morning, i dont have to wake up to train at 4.30am anymore, i dont have to limit my shopping time so that i can report back to camp for training. whoa~ i dont have to sleep with lizards and rats and mosquitoes and flying things of all sorts.
yea, one more month. training's getting more intense. we're suffering alot more to the extent that im actually feeling numb already. we go tru a cycle : train, eat, sleep, wake up, and train again. ahhh!!! am i losing my feelings? my emotions? hah. paranoid.
*slaps*
Tuesday Nov 15 2005
yep. firstly, one more week to my departure to manila. yep down to a mere one week. from 7 months to one week. ergh. one blardy hellish week. hah. yea. get the point dontya?
secondly, trainings getting tougher by the day. but my partner's having her o levels so i will be training alone most of the time. going down on the single sculls. damn. i hate rowing alone. the guys will always leave me behind. ergh.
Monday Dec 5 2005
been there. done that.
yep. the sea games are over. which means. my training camp days are over. no more morning weight lifting sessions. no more after school training programmes. no more bunking out with my fellow rowers. no more of all that. honestly, from the bottom of my heart. i miss it all. yea.
OMG MY LIFEIS ON REPEAT MODE OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
except that this time round my partner postponed her A levels and we'vegot all the time in the world to train in our pairs to beat the shit out of our competitors and bring home a medal Singapore Rowing hasnt won since 1993 ;)
even jo said today, "I've gone crazy about this winning thing."
That's my girl, right there.
CANT WAIT. but all these trainings have been a pain in the ass OH WELL. tough times doesnt last but tough people do, yea?
:)
and since we're on this topic of achievements are doing great things, my friend whom i havent seen for MILLIONSOFGODYEARS recently won a K-pop competition and she's going to Korea end of this year to represent singapore. Maressa Zahirah. thats the girl you have to watch out for. she has inspired me to dream big. and work towards your goals. stories that make you go Awwwww. that reminds me i havent seen her for ages and the rest of the gang. its scary how one twist of events lead to a broken chain of friendships. SCARY.
OKAY. training in about 4 hours. DREAM BIG bebeh. <3
Monday, October 24, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Rants
Hello
It's been a long time since I wrote (what's new). I can't say I've been busy, cuz I haven't. I'm just tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
I just came back from Korea like 2 days ago? Something like that. Obviously I've lost track of time. Days are more like whatever is left till the SEA Games rather than what day it is. It's 20 something in October and it's almost the end of the week. Weekends are no more days of the week i look forward to because on weekends trainings are supposedly tougher. I'm not a normal person anymore. I don't feel like one. I shop when the stores are empty, which is definitely a really good thing. But then again, shopping is Not fun when you're not really financially stable.
Yeah I'm not fun anymore. The only thing that revolves around me is training. And training. And training.
I have to cut down on work because training is getting more intensive and also because school term is coming to an end and exams are around the corner so I'm practically jobless. Oh wait. I have my Pt clients but they too have to be put aside because of training. I'm not complaining. Maybe whining, yes. I like what I'm doing. I love it in fact. I love the thought of waking up being able to row. Being able to push myself. But I don't like it when I train and I think about work. The thought of travelling to my workplace, wherever it may be, then having another training in the evening. I don't like training and worrying about money. Whether I have enough cash to last me for a whole month. How much I should save up for my insurance and investment plans. I want to train and be stress and worry free. I want to train only worrying about how fast is my boat moving and whether it is fast enough to win the Vietnams. But work and money will always be an issue no matter how much I want to shun it away.
So Korea was almost perfect. I didn't want to come home. The weather was cold, sometimes a bit too cold, but it makes you want to stay on the water as long as possible. The rooms that we stayed in were perfect. Close to the race venue, close to the canteen, fully equipped, cozy. Life was great for the past 10 days while we were there. Train, race, eat, sleep. No work to worry about. Food was a problem but I survived on bread, cheese and eggs. That's the life of an athlete I want. But good things have to come to an end. And you really get everything you want. I've learnt to accept that fact.
So the pairs came in 4th in our finals. We were 4secs behind e khazaks but I thought we did a good job in pulling away from the indons. The water during our race was madness. But we managed to pull through it, battle the waves and face the cold winds. My singles didn't turn out too good. But that was because I don't have hope in it already. Yes, I should nt say such things as an athlete but sometimes I have to be realistic. Or rather, honest. I feel good on the pairs but I don't feel that awesome when I sit on the singles. It's the thought of having someone else suffering with you that makes you want to pull harder on a pair. In the singles, it's you and only you. I know I used to be good on the singles but I haven't had that feeling for a very long time.
The boys didn't do too well, in fact they didn't race in their lightweight doubles finals cuz one of them was overweight. But I shall say no further because I have come to a conclusion that somethings are just not worth talking or worrying about.
My boyfriend deserve a better partner. That's all I can say.
So it's 2 weeks to SEA Games. I'm looking forward to it. To end it all, make it a good finish. And then, and then, I don't know what happens next.
That's what I'm worried about. I'm keen to look for a job but on the other hand, what if I want to continue training like this and work will get in the way?
And then recently I thought about my Olympic dreams. I want to be there badly, but what if things don't go my way. Do I have an alternative plan? I shouldn't even be thinking of NOT being able to get there but like I said, we can't always get what we want.
With that mentioned, one of the national sailors want me to be her partner for Rio 2016. Is it a calling?
What about work? Omg.
And family? Yes it worries the shit out of me to see my peers starting their own family.
Nadzrie's only 18.
Still a long way to go.
But if it's meant to be then I guess things will go our way, right?
I'm not having doubts about our relationship.
I'm not changing my dreams to be an Olympian.
I'm just worried about my future
I don't have to see 5 or 10 years down the road.
Look at December.
What happens after SEA Games? I don't even have a clue yet.
I don't have a plan.
I think I worry too much.
Let's sleep. I have work tomorrow.
Goodnight world.
It's been a long time since I wrote (what's new). I can't say I've been busy, cuz I haven't. I'm just tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
I just came back from Korea like 2 days ago? Something like that. Obviously I've lost track of time. Days are more like whatever is left till the SEA Games rather than what day it is. It's 20 something in October and it's almost the end of the week. Weekends are no more days of the week i look forward to because on weekends trainings are supposedly tougher. I'm not a normal person anymore. I don't feel like one. I shop when the stores are empty, which is definitely a really good thing. But then again, shopping is Not fun when you're not really financially stable.
Yeah I'm not fun anymore. The only thing that revolves around me is training. And training. And training.
I have to cut down on work because training is getting more intensive and also because school term is coming to an end and exams are around the corner so I'm practically jobless. Oh wait. I have my Pt clients but they too have to be put aside because of training. I'm not complaining. Maybe whining, yes. I like what I'm doing. I love it in fact. I love the thought of waking up being able to row. Being able to push myself. But I don't like it when I train and I think about work. The thought of travelling to my workplace, wherever it may be, then having another training in the evening. I don't like training and worrying about money. Whether I have enough cash to last me for a whole month. How much I should save up for my insurance and investment plans. I want to train and be stress and worry free. I want to train only worrying about how fast is my boat moving and whether it is fast enough to win the Vietnams. But work and money will always be an issue no matter how much I want to shun it away.
So Korea was almost perfect. I didn't want to come home. The weather was cold, sometimes a bit too cold, but it makes you want to stay on the water as long as possible. The rooms that we stayed in were perfect. Close to the race venue, close to the canteen, fully equipped, cozy. Life was great for the past 10 days while we were there. Train, race, eat, sleep. No work to worry about. Food was a problem but I survived on bread, cheese and eggs. That's the life of an athlete I want. But good things have to come to an end. And you really get everything you want. I've learnt to accept that fact.
So the pairs came in 4th in our finals. We were 4secs behind e khazaks but I thought we did a good job in pulling away from the indons. The water during our race was madness. But we managed to pull through it, battle the waves and face the cold winds. My singles didn't turn out too good. But that was because I don't have hope in it already. Yes, I should nt say such things as an athlete but sometimes I have to be realistic. Or rather, honest. I feel good on the pairs but I don't feel that awesome when I sit on the singles. It's the thought of having someone else suffering with you that makes you want to pull harder on a pair. In the singles, it's you and only you. I know I used to be good on the singles but I haven't had that feeling for a very long time.
The boys didn't do too well, in fact they didn't race in their lightweight doubles finals cuz one of them was overweight. But I shall say no further because I have come to a conclusion that somethings are just not worth talking or worrying about.
My boyfriend deserve a better partner. That's all I can say.
So it's 2 weeks to SEA Games. I'm looking forward to it. To end it all, make it a good finish. And then, and then, I don't know what happens next.
That's what I'm worried about. I'm keen to look for a job but on the other hand, what if I want to continue training like this and work will get in the way?
And then recently I thought about my Olympic dreams. I want to be there badly, but what if things don't go my way. Do I have an alternative plan? I shouldn't even be thinking of NOT being able to get there but like I said, we can't always get what we want.
With that mentioned, one of the national sailors want me to be her partner for Rio 2016. Is it a calling?
What about work? Omg.
And family? Yes it worries the shit out of me to see my peers starting their own family.
Nadzrie's only 18.
Still a long way to go.
But if it's meant to be then I guess things will go our way, right?
I'm not having doubts about our relationship.
I'm not changing my dreams to be an Olympian.
I'm just worried about my future
I don't have to see 5 or 10 years down the road.
Look at December.
What happens after SEA Games? I don't even have a clue yet.
I don't have a plan.
I think I worry too much.
Let's sleep. I have work tomorrow.
Goodnight world.
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