omgomgomg.
this is so stressful.
got myself in such trouble.
i feel like slitting my wrist.

i feel so stupid.
i woke up this morning from the vibrations of my phone.
nus smsed me my results for my final yr exam.
omg.
i dont know whether to be sad cuz its friggin bad.
or whether to be happy cuz its my last results from nus, ever.

i feel so so stupid.
signed up as a coach in this particular school.
thinking that i have all the time in the world to make this school win the zonals.
then rowing started, yog's around the corner, nie's gonna start soon.
(YES. NIE)
i dont know if i can commit.
and i just cant bring myself to tell them i cant commit.
papers have been signed. they know my face.
what if they see me alg the streets next time and spit at my face. :(
and i spent like an hr, crying about it.
im such a wreck.

havent been going for silat,
not even to support them.
but bedok is just way. too. far.
but thats just an excuse.
but its true.
ugh.
sometimes i cant stand my own fickleness.
its amazing ive survived 22 yrs living with myself.

the futsal comp's ard the corner.
go futsal can, go silat cannot.
ive learnt things the hard way in life:
you cant make everyone in the world happy.
true that.

im feeling so suicidal.
which path should i choose?
pills? slashing? building?
HAHAHA.
omg, im scaring myself.
blisters on my hands already make me cry.
and so does false alarms twisted ankle during soccer trng.
and im thinking abt killing myself.
i must be kidding.

is this scaring you?
dont worry. im still sane.
i love myself too much to commit suicide.
i'd rather die rowing for the nation then dying over stupid things.

ok STOP IT WITH THIS SUICIDE SHIT.
crazy woman.

and rowing.
training has been pretty tough recently,
and just as intensity has started to pick up,
coach wants to taper it down.
wow.
i wonder how im gonna survive that 2k.
and my blisters. ugh.
i cried in the boat yest bcuz they friggin hurt.
33 and counting.

i watched shrek 4 and cried.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
my tear ducts have no control over themselves.

when i row hard,
i feel like dying,
but i know coach wont let me die.
so that makes me row even harder.

i dont know if im as mentally strong as before.
i'll know, soon enough.

sometimes i wish i lead a normal life.
having a normal job.
regular pay.
no fuss, hassle-free.
no training.
no feeling tired after trng.
no competition to train for.
long term goal is to earn money
and build a happy family.

but most of the time,
im thankful i dont lead a normal life.

i think my life is awesome. :)

post exams

the 22 blisters on my hands will always remind me to STOP BEING FRIGGIN FICKLE AND MAKE UP MY MIND WHAT SPORTS I WANT TO DO CUZ IF I DONT WANT TO ROW THEN THERES SRSLY NO PT HAVING THESE THINGS ON MY HANDS WHICH REALLY HURT. :(

1. rowing
2. s******
3. netball
4. silat
5. soccer

or maybe, mom's right. its best that a 22 yr old girl like me sit at home and clean the house.
i hate growing old.
growing old means u have wisdom teeth growing and they hurt :(
growing old means whatever decision you make makes a whole lot of difference to yr life. :(
growing old means you gotta be a grown up. i hate doing grown up things. :(
sulk sulk sulk.

its mid may ALREADY. time flies.
training has been crazy painful with the stamina still hovering at NIL, blisters which never stop appearing making my hands look like a world map, getting TANNED (which is actually smtg ive been looking forward to), waking up at 5am almost every morning, getting these really nice and defined muscles. hahaha the list goes on yo. all in all, I AM BACK ON WATER. but its a sucky feeling knowing that u were once really good at this shit but now u totally suck at it :( i cant wait to back on form. CANT WAIT. but time waits for no man. what more a girl. life sucks. haha. emo ke per. later i pierce my lips and wear eyeliner and black lipstick than you know.
abeh kan i got my heart rate checked recently and it was 80bpm sia. WAHLAO. i used to be 52bpm. :(:(:(

okay what else. my back and shoulders are giving me hell. ARGH SIGNS OF AGING. shut up, aisyah.

silat competition at the end of may.
soccer competition early june.
rowing competition mid june.

im sooo back to being who i was. :) alhamdullilah.
knee's getting muchos better.

one thing i want to so is learn to do is to trust and love again. hmm.
the second is to colour my hair red.
okay kidding, maybe blond.
i dont know.
my bro says i should stop colouring my natural blond hair.
aww he's so sweet aint he?
talking about brothers.
today, i met the RUDEST taxi driver in the whole world. i swear.
so there were 3 guys and me in the cab. so i had to sit at the passengers seat in front. and i had to move back the chair cuz i was carrying whole lot of shit in my bag and my knees were pressing agst the whatever-u-call-tt-board-in-front-of-the-car. then u know what that kurang ajar taxi driver said when i asked my bro sitting right behind me if it was okay if i were to push my chair back? he barged into our convo and said, "her legs not that long lah, she just wants to straighten her legs. u want me to get measuring tape, measure ur legs. not so long also." i was like omg. wtf. rude nak mampos kan. like who gave u the right to say those things to me! omg. muker nak kene sepak, srsly.

it has nothing to do with "talking bout brothers" but i thought i would like to share the story abt kurangajar taxi drivers.

ugh.
anyway, we played soccer today and IT FELT SO GOOD.

okay dah.
im tired. theres a 12 hrs (its 12 hrs i heard!) adventure race tmr where we gotta wear long pants which are like my most fave pair of wadrobe item to wear! loving it.

oh and final exams in nus are over which means that im outta here! :D