sayang,

I cry, because most of the times, it feels good to cry.
I dont tell you what I feel, because sometimes, I honestly don't know what I feel. Telling you that I feel sad and angry and happy and low at the same time will only make you more confused then you already are trying to figure out whats on my mind.
I say "I'm fine" even when I'm not because thats what girls do, you can't deny that.
I lied before because I was stupid. I'm not perfect, I haven't been the perfect gf. I'm not striving for perfection either. I dont even know if I'm perfect for you or we're perfect for each other, whatever that means. But all I do know is that, I've learnt that whenever I lie, or hide things from you, it hurts you and thats why I've changed. Seeing you hurt breaks a little piece off my heart.
I get ridiculously jealous because I love you. I don't like it if you have another woman's face on your wallpaper because you wouldn't like seeing another man's face on mine, right? I don't like your exes because you dont like mine. Same shit.
I don't reply to your messages when I'm mad because I might say things that will hurt you when I'm angry, and words cant be taken back. I dont know how long I need to cool down, 10 mins? 15 mins? Sometimes you know it'll take an hour. But the longest I've ever been so mad at you is a day. After which, I know I can't live being angry at you all the time.
Its hard for me to trust because my trust has been betrayed before. Imagine this. My heart is like a piece of paper, and then someone crumples it up, and throw it away, and I had to pick myself up and try to straighten things out, but you know, it will never be the same as before. I don't trust easily cuz that's who I am. Life made me this way. I hope one day, you will understand it truly, not just by nodding when I ask you if you understand but really really know that I'm like this because of what others did to me. Not that I like it this way. I'm always suspicious of you doing stupid things, I'm always paranoid that you'll do things behind my back. I hate my mind sometimes, thinking of all these ridiculous things. But I was made this way, not born this way cuz I know I wasn't like this. I know you're not like the others and that I should start anew and move to another chapter in my life, like how I should fkn move on and get another piece of paper which is not crumpled. But I can't just get another piece of heart, can I?
So please dont ask me, "Why dont you trust me?" I do, baby, I do. But I worry, and I overthink. And then this evil thing called assumption comes into my mind.
Thats why sometimes I don't tell you right away when I assume something. And you dont understand this so you'll keep on asking again and again and again, "What is it what is it what is it!!!!?" And sometimes I'll just tell you whats in my brain but sometimes I just don't wanna tell you because it might be just a stupid little assumption that came into my mind. And when I tell you, you'll give me the WTF face and I'll tell you, "see, I shouldnt have told you."
I'm sorry if I get so worked up at the smallest mistakes you do. Small things will accumulate into bigger ones and thats when things get out of control. So when its small I guess thats when I take action. Sorry, I'm like that.
So you still love me? Tell me if you don't. Tell me if you don't like to way I behave to treat you. Tell me if I'm mean. Tell me if I'm not good enough for you.
And yes, this is PMS week. And no, my PMS week is only one week in a month. The other angsty weeks are probably caused by stress, feeling needy and thinking i deserve the attention and probably out of love.
And why do i put this online for the world to see when i know you hate it when our private lives are published? Because theres a saying that goes, life's too short for us to make all the mistakes, thats when we learn from other's mistakes. Who knows some distruaght little soul might come across my blog wondering why his gf/wife/partner is crying, why is she acting the way she is. sometimes, we're just made that way. we can't help it. but most of the times, its because we love you and we want the best out of you, and ourselves, and us.
I love you, sayang. Although theres so many times I fell asleep making you mad.
And you know I believe that "It'll be okay in the morning," always. So I hope you'll understand that too. There's so many things for you to understand about me, and I know there's more for me to understand about you too. We have a whole lifetime to understand each other, if God permits.

Time is like an Usain Bolt.

MAKKAAAAAAU! ITS ALREADY LIKE 24 AUGUST AND I KEEP KEEP KEEP ON THINKING ITS STILL JULY CUZ WHEN THIS PERSON CAME TO ME THAT DAY AND TOLD ME THE DEADLINE WAS 15 AUGUST, I TOLD HIM, OKAY STILL GOT ENOUGH TIME, WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT, ITS ALREADY 20 AUGUST!!!! AND ITS SEPTEMBER NEXT WEEK, AND THEN OCTOBER COMES BY, THEN NOVEMBER, THEN DECEMBER. THEN OMG ITS SEA GAMES YEAR ALREADY. slow down, man, slow down! what the hell are you rushing for, time? :( Okay so lets make this quick. Its Friday, coming into the end of first week of raya and i've visited 6 houses in total. hahahaha! i dont feel it, y'all. not this year. i think its just that i've grown out of it. i didnt even bake this year although im dying to get my hands on the oven. dont know why i'll do that, but you get what i mean. i painted my house though, like the whole freaking living room, dining room and the balcony. and i have 4 brothers, and the sister painted the house. yay? I havent been Sailing although theres a competition in early September. This is terrible but I havent learnt to love sailing like how i love rowing. its a totally different feeling. hopefully with time, i'll start to like it, then love it. and east coast is MOTHER FAR. i take 2 and a half hours to get there from home by public (not taxi) and 30mins when i drive. oh life is unfair. i suddenly feel like taking a bike license but i gotta wait for nadzrie and we actually made a promise that even if we had license we'll never ride. but i promised myself that i will never take a driving license too cuz i was meant to be driven. i dont know. WORK HAS BEEN CRAZY, as always. millions of things piling up on my table. BOO YOU WORK! I got "sounded" yesterday, cuz i cant find a better word to use, and scolding is a too strong word to use cuz it wasnt like that. okay, so i usually gym in the morning cuz im a morning person and like they say, "workout before your brain figures out what you are doing" and so yes, i've been clocking hours of running and gymming in the morning because by the time midday comes, millions of excuses will pop in my head like a stupid one would be, "I DONT WANNA SWEAT CUZ I'LL HAVE TO SHOWER AND ITS SO TROUBLESOME." Damn you excuses. Damn you. So yeah, I always come to work at 730am SHARP, mind you. early bird catches the worm, no? so at 730am, noone is around so my mood to start work so early is NIL so i go to the gym or run. yesterday, i came back from the gym at 9am, since its a non-teaching week, kids are having exams. and jeng jeng jeng hello hello my RO was at the front door to my office. she wasnt angry lah, she was just worried people might complain that i train during office hours. and you know my life policy. im fine with absolutely anything, other than seafood and the colour yellow, as long as it does not interfere with the thing i love, like rowing, and training (i.e. gymming and running). why is sailing not in the list? i cant lie to myself that i love sailing, can i? i havent fell in love with it yet. it'll take time. but yea, work work work always friggin gets in the way of training and i bloody hate that. and oh my dear God, why does sailing has to be in the odd hours of the day, like from 1-5pm? when in my rowing days, we rest and roll in bed at 1-5pm. OH MY DEAR BRAIN HOW DO YOU COME ABOUT WITH ALL THESE EXCUSES!!!! even as we speak, more work coming in as colleagues come into my cubicle and leave with more responsibilities on my shourders, no wonder this frustrating knot on my shouler never goes away. one quitting, another transferring departments, HOW TO SURVIVE LIDDAT. so what happened to rowing? other than the fact that they owe me some moolahs for my insurance claim? i dont know. no news. i guess, they can live without an aisyah rower. le sigh. talking about them makes me feel like punching a wall, but i'll only end up hurting myself. so if i dont intend to do anything, i shall just shut up. maybe one day i'll tell them that im quitting. YES BELIEVE IT OR NOT I HAVENT TOLD THEM! So yeah my Olympic dream still lingers in hopelessness. the thing about having these dreams is that, why didnt i specifically specify (is there even such a phrase?) that i wanted to be an Olympian in a SPECIFIC sport? so when times like this come about, at least i know which sport to pick! now, i'm in this no turning back junction where one path leads to a sport i love but brings me NOWHERE, and another goes to a sport i dont really love (yet) but has a higher chance of getting me somewhere. to think about it, there is a way of turning back but that would mean i have to risk these 4 to 8 years trying out something i never thought i would ever be able to do in my life. MACHAM A MID LIFE CRISIS AT 24. God save me. okay, off to a fun friday with loads of work and NAPFA test at the end of the day. GRAAAAR!