• There is blunting of the body and the anterior junction of the medial meniscus suggestive of free edge tearing or fraying.
• There is increased signal in the medial collateral ligament suggestive of intraligamentous sprain injury.
• There are focal areas of abnormal bone marrow signal suggestive bone contusions along the medial aspect of the medial femoral condyle, the sulcus terminalis of the lateral femoral condyle and along the posterior aspect of the proximal tibia.
• There is a moderate joint effusion.
• There is complete rupture of the anterior cruciate ligament.

reason #2958 why i dont take science.

and reason #2 why i should have.

THATS MY KNEE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. and all i know is that its in bad, bad, bad, bad shape.

the physio guy laughed when he saw my mri scan report. i said it wasnt funny. :(

the rehab guy said its not the worst case, it could have been worse, its not the end of the world. he added that i should just stick to rowing. no soccer, no silat, no cycling. just rowing. i laughed.

the doctor said if i want to continue with my active lifestyle i must go for surgery. if not, i can only stick to sports that dont require me to turn, jump, run. if i go for surgery, complete recovery takes 9 months.

i was imagining an aisyah without netball, soccer, silat, running, jumping.

i cant.

i was brooding the whole friggin day yesterday. ive read hundreds of stories of athletes who've went tru various surgeries, some worst than mine, and still succeed in the future, as an athlete or not. im not ready to start an inspirational story of my own. im not prepared for this. im still sportless now. this is bad, just bad.

and the year just friggin started.

first the break up, now the knee.

i wonder what else 2009 has in store for me.

my blog was privatized a few weeks ago and some people got mad cuz i didnt add them into the list of people who's allowed to view my blog. thing is,


i didnt invite anyone.

but good thing is, im surprised! people actually do read my blog.
if that is even a good thing.

i privatized my blog cuz some people found it wrong; unethical? intrusive? intrusive upon what? my own privacy?


im intruding on my own privacy.
hmm.

i blog about important events in my life.
okay, maybe not.
i blog about the most randomest things in the world,
i realised.

but thats who i am. and how i like it to be.

i like to tell people where i went and what i did and who talked to me today and who didnt and whats new and whats not and what i like and what i dont.

i know i dont blog about issues regarding the war, the politics, the environment, science and technology, the world, the citizens, the president and what nots. its not that i dont think about them neither am i ignorant nor well-read. i know these stuff. i read the news. (yes i do. slap yourself if you were shocked to hear that i read the news.)

but its just not me to write about these issues.


so tell you what.


i write what i like.

its not that i dont write about important things in my life.
if you think i dont mention about my family much, it doesnt mean they're not important to me.
thats just plain dumb to think like that.

and if you dont like what i write.

dont reaaaadddddd.

ANYWAY, lets get on with more random things.

#01: i cut my hair. like REAL short. like SHORT short. like budak cina wear sluar go school mcm tak pakai sluar tak senonoh kalau kaki lawa takper tapi tak lawa SHORT.

THAT short.

#02: thats like one of the few nice short haired aisyah pics i have. cuz i dont camwhore on my own anymore. i dont know why. i think...

ive grown up.

#03: i love settlers' cafe. cuz thats where taboo, jenga and soldadu songs happen when tjuncts come in full strength.

How many malay uni students does it take to break a glass?

10, with a game of taboo.

#04: my knee injury aggravated. something to do with an MCL strain and meniscus tear.

champion comment goes to Maressa:

"I think i tore my meniscus"

"Whats meniscus?"

"Its the bottom part of the water in the test tube."

#05: i paid $900 for my MRI scan for my knee. there goes my holiday earnings. hurrah.

ive learnt a moral tho: never quarrel with your parents before you ask for money.

#06: last thing i wanted to say is that..i blog cuz its the only form of writing i do these days. ive lost the touch of writing. blogging makes me not lose it totally. see even my sentence structure like want to kena sai. how liddat.

#07: and finally. tmr im gonna do something stupid that might make me regret. so if i come back crying to you saying that i shouldnt have done it, throw rocks at me.

i have never really thought i had to go through this.

• change my laptop background
• move our pictures to "thepast" folder
• take down our photos hanging on my room wall and on my study table
• put all the stuff uve given me into THE box
• write you a hate email
• change my status in fb
• waking up another day knowing that youre not there, and will never be there ever again.

1st january 2009.

new year? yes.

happy? certainly not.

izzat and i are officially over. nothing to celebrate about. certainly nothing i expected. but what has to be done was done. it looks so easy, sounds so simple. you hate me, you dont like me, you think we cant be together, you lost faith and hope in us, you bloody tell me.

but no. you chose to deal with it the hard way. and gave not only me a hard time but yourself as well.

you cheat on me. you lied. and lied. and lied. to me, to your best friend, to your mum, to my mum. you hurt me. so, so bad. so bad, i cried for days. until i felt numb. and was out of tears. you disgust me, i cant even eat.

you told me to change for you, for myself, for the better. and i tried. i did. but you didnt. you never did. you cheated on your ex, and now on me. you went out with a girl, brought her to places you promised to bring me, watched a movie with her you told me you wanted to watch with me. you lied. you filthy liar.

how do you even look at yourself in the mirror after what you've done?

arent you ashamed of yourself?

you should be.

you're a coward, weakling, you cant stand up for the ones you love. if i were rich i'll send you to a plastic surgeon and tell him to attach some balls to you. you need them, seriously. but sorry im not rich. so you gotta find them yourselves. i heard city hall sells them. which one do you prefer, "jerk" or "bastard"?

im not sad anymore that we're together. im just so angry. and hurt. im so angry i could give u double kick where your balls should be and sucker punch on the face. but what do i get by hurting you? i dont get satisfaction by hurting someone. im not like you. or maybe, i dont purposely hurt someone to make him or her hate me. i dont hate.

what did the 10 months mean to you? was i a playtoy you found, something to keep you company and loved when u need it and throw away when u find something better or got bored? then why the fark did u do that to me?

i never did lie to you. maybe one or two white lies like i told you i ate dinner when i actually didnt. and like i told you i watched cartoons when it was actually sappy indo dramas. i loved you, stupidly, so much. they said,

"love like theres no tomorrow. dance like theres noone watching."

and i did and this is what i get in return of my faithfulness and undying love. idiot.

and fark. we just came back from bintan, we just celebrated our 10th month and your farking birthday. didnt you think of all that before you did what you did? do you even think?

then whats the point of going to RI for 4 years and still not being able to think. or only think at certain times and do stupid things when not thinking.

if i had lied to you or cheated you or hurt you in any way possible, i would have understood why you did what you did but faaark. i hadnt.

and what if i hadnt found out that you cheated on me? would you have hid it from everyone, keep lying to the people around you, lying to yourself, and think you could get away with it?

and like i said and will always tell you,

change yourself, before you change others.

now leave.