they say its okay to lose, as long as u dont quit.
bullshit.
i know i havent updated for ages, wei like anyone gives a damn abt me.
hmph.
i am currently and have been feeling UTTERLY DEPRESSED since, since God knows when.
okay maybe not in the extreme depressed state because from what i have learnt in psychology, patients of depression are REALLY scary. but still, this is depression at its mildest, everything is officially SHITTY right now, even the state of my shit, literally. it must have been the oranges i ate last night and the glass of milk. sheesh.
pfft.
okay, if u happen not to know and actually is interested to find out what aisyah has been up to, i almost quit rowing. like quit as in stop forever and not row anymore. im bloody serious. i wrote to the rowing association my letter of 'resignation' like its some kind of low paying job slash LABOUR. and it took me like 2 full days to really think about it and not send the letter, finally deciding to just row for another few more weeks until the sea games and then say bye bye. hello, saiyidah aisyah binte mohamed rafa'ee THE ROWER almost quit rowing. now THATS big news.
okay, tell u what happened lah k.
so u know that we have a new coach. her training is like waaaaay tougher than our previous coach's. thats one of the reason why i was thinking abt quitting. okay, call me a weakling loser piece of shit and oh, quitter, but okay u see, if i was a full time rower with no school and family to care about, i dont mind but to these kind of people, rowing is life and nothing else. she made trng start at 6.30 which means i have to take the first train in the morning and dont even remind me what time i have to wake up! and dont get my started of having to do assignments until early morning and to wake up like a few minutes after i fall asleep. okay happened to me for 2 nights when i dint sleep the whole night and went training the next day, went to school after that and did my work until the next night and slept for an hour and went trng after that.
NAK MAMPOS.
then we went to thailand for competition. i dint get to go korea cuz my weight dint make the cut, that part u know right. i did not regret not being able to go korea cuz i was in singapore and happily celebrating hari raya with my famly and getting plenty amount of money! so that was a long time ago story. so i did went to thailand, managed to starve myself to lose weight and compete. and im sorry my fellow rowermates havent uploaded the photos yet so no photos yaaar. huhu.
okay then hor, in thailand, i competed in singles and doubles event. for the preliminary races, i came in 3rd for my singles and 2nd for my doubles. i was pretty happy, but cannot be so happy and overconfident. SALTY MOUTH. during the finals i dont know what shit happened to me that day, i came in 3rd for my singles but almost lost to the 4th girl by like one second, if i had lost i think i would be slaughtered by coach and kicked out of the team (which i dont mind happening to me right now!) and the doubles, GOD, donno lah what shit what not we came in 4th losing to the 3rd boat by like a few seconds. my partner was so pissed with me, she dint talk to me the whole day and i cried for like an hour. im not exaggerating. it was the worst feeling in the world at that moment, i swear. i felt so down truout the whole day it was even hard for me to smile during the medal presentation.
i dont wanna think about it. :(
anyhoo, after my races were over, i get to eat eat eat and the hotel we stayed in had good good food which i have been deprived of since i arrived. we went bowling, go karting and what else if not shopping and oh as usual the guys werent really excited abt shopping so yah, same old shit.
so it wasnt really an exciting trip i must say. and im getting bored of thailand.
and bored of rowing too.
especially when we went back to spore. it was when life started to become so gloomy moomy. i had to sit for so many bloody tests and finish up so many assignments, thus the late night sleep and ultra depressed mode. HAISH. and since that thailand trip lah my partner has been so hostile towards me and so bloody fierce, im actually scared of her more than im scared of my coach! u should see her scream at me when we row together, bloody hell, it could make me pee in my pants i swear. then training bcame more and more torturous. now not only do i have to endure crazy training programmes, i have a scary partner to sit through every bloody morning of my life, getting scolded every single day, receiving complains and nags, spoiling my mood and having to live through that mood for the rest of my day. shit, life was really tough i swear. and after that period of time when i was so crammed up with shit loads of work to do and dint come for ONE training session cuz i was just so so tired after 2 continuous sleepless nights things got WORSE. that morning, (sheesh how can i forget) my partner scolded me, screamed at me, u really dont wanna know what she said but it made me SO wanna quit like right there and then. Masyaallah.
and in rowing right, even if u come for training every single day of ur shitty life and skip just one bloody morning just because u havent slept for 2 days straight, they'll remember that day that u skip but never the days u came for trng.
oh like that day when i stayed over at hazi's hostel to finish up our project and i slept for only an hour and the nxt morning i couldnt find a cab outside nus to take to my trng cntr and that made me an hour late for trng and coach was so so pissed u should see her face! then i had a good scolding abt being dishonest and lazy and what not. boring.
so yah, since that day right, i was having happy thoughts about quitting. seriously i was estactic i must say! i have already planned what im gonna do without rowing, how beautiful life would be. imagine a free and happy aisyah. imagine aisyah without her usual, "i have training" reasons not to spend time with you. imgaine aisyah the ex-rower. hmm. best kan? anyway if i quit also my partner wouldnt have to waste anymore of her energy on shouting at me, coach wouldnt have to waste her time on me, she even said once what, "u dont deserve any of my time". im doing these ppl a favour. then i told my kwn kwn and my brothers about my plans, i cried, i whined, i complained. hmm. and everyone i talked to told me to think about it again.
they must think im crazy to give up right now.
then someone threw a boat on my head.
i read my previous blog entries, especially when i met with the stupid bicycle accident and couldnt row for like a month. drg that time i was hoping and wishing and praying hard that i could heal, just so that i could row again.
then an oar landed on my head.
ive been through a year of SHIT, and i wanna quit just a month before the games? WHAT THE HELL was i thinking!
Masyaallah!
so i decided to continue rowing. i decided to tahan until the sea games. TAHAN's the word. so since im still rowing, why not i put the effort to work hard, well its not like ive not been working hard but well just an extra litle more effort. who cares about what people say to me or about me. i row cuz i wanna row and ive been doing this for a whole bloody year and i just want to finish wat i started.
so right now, aisyah is still the rower. i wont quit, not now, not yet. lets live through these last days of rowing, maybe enjoy trng or something, smile when pain seeps into my body, laugh when i feel like dying, cry when theres no more pain. i want more pain.
gimme gimme MOAH gimme MOAH gimme gimme MOAH!
hmm. why not kan.
then i shall race, and after that, become free like a burung.
and i just received the bestest news in the world! coach wants me and my partner to stay over at pandan with her until the games! HOW EXCITING, guys! i cant wait! it will be the best days of my life, weee!
...
so if u happen to think ure living the worst life in the world, think of me,
it'll make u feel so grateful u arent living a life like mine, i promise. :)
lets tahan a bit more, aisyah.
lalalala~
