resolutions - part one.

Alhamdullilah, we've reached another end of the year. Alhamdullilah, we've all made it thus far in our lives. Alhamdullilah, is what we should learn to say more often and that comes top in my NEW YEAR RESOLUTION.

#01: Be grateful more often. Say Alhamdullilah.

Things i should be grateful of in 2011:
1. The plenty amount of money I had while I was working.
2. The courage I plucked to submit that letter of resignation to MOE.
3. The screw removal surgery I had to brace for which put me out of training for a week. But it was worth the pain because my knee never felt better.
4. The 3 Bronze medals that I won for the Asia Cup and SEARF Rowing Championships which qualified me for the SEA Games.
5. Passing my driving test after failing it once because I took forever to perform a vertical parking which made me an immediate failure.
6. Having had the means to pay for my own driving lessons.
7. Being able to still stay in my house even though Im supposed to be a working adult and supposedly contributing to the household but obviously I wasnt and am still not.
8. Having a mum who doesnt support me in rowing but still allows me to train every single morning which meant she sees more of her kindergarten kids than her own daughter.
9. Being able to survive financially despite only working as a part-time coach and personal trainer for 8 months.
10. Survived a wisdom teeth surgery where 4 of my teeth were plucked out at once, which also meants survivng my second General Anaesthesia of the year.
11. Recovering miraculously rapidly despite being awfully sick days before the finals for the SEA Games, which brought me to thing to be grateful #12:
12. Bringing home 2 Bronze medals from Jakarta knowing that all the effort Ive put for my sport had been well spent.
13. Having spent a year and 2 months (coming this Jan 4) with my bf who has been the most awesome, most supportive and really really really (finding the perfect word to insert here), someone i will always ask myself, "MasyaAllah, what will I do without him?" Amazing? Incredible? I cant find a word that fits him perfectly but I do know that his presence in my life has made a huge difference to who i am, what i do and where i'll be in the next few years. and no matter how hard i am to handle, he has never left my side. and i pray that he will never leave my side, insyaAllah.
And if 13 had a part b, Im forever grateful that his family is very accepting and welcoming to me being part of them. Alhamdullilah.

And that, being the last in my list doesnt mean he is the least of grateful things im grateful for, would nicely wrap up my list.

And of course there are a thousand other things I should be grateful of such as Singapore being far from any natural disaster, Alhamdullilah. Looking at the flash floods that hit Thailand and the occurences of tsunamis and earthquakes in japan and new zealand, I can never be more than grateful to be living here, although its definitely an expensive city to live in. But for now, lets keep it at 12 things.

#02: Be more organized and stop procrastinating, for goodness sake.

iPad has made my life more organized in a way. not a really huge difference but when it comes to logging in training programmes and keeping track of my clients and the schools that i was coaching, it has played a very important role in taking over the lives of the pen and paper. and yes, i think it has made me more organized to a small extent but change is good. yeah?

but when you look at my room, its not really a disaster. neither is it anywhere close to an IKEA showroom lookalike. i'd call it an organized mess. things are in order, but not in order-kind of thing. you know? and i have these IKEA items i bought ages ago waiting to be drilled onto the walls but instead have been sitting there pretty in the corner of my room collecting immense amounts of dust mites.

so this new year, i want to be more organized and stop procrastinating. ive read somewhere recently that having a daily, "TODAY I WILL ______________" list on my wall with only ONE thing to accomplish per day will help. theres no harm trying!

and yes, i attended a Sports Psychology workshop recently and they sort of taught us how to create Goals and one of the ways to jot down goals and how to get there is to be SPECIFIC (there were others such as MEASURABLE goals, REALISTIC goals, etc. but lets stick to SPECIFIC for now). i know you'll go, "WE ALL KNEW THAT ALREADY." yes, i learnt this back in secondary school days but sometimes it feels good to be reminded of what we learnt before and now, being more mature, older and hopefully wiser, actually do some goal-setting and making them do wonders. thus, my resolutions now arent simply: be more organized. they have to be more like: have a daily list of ONE THING to do and make it happen!
TADA.
i feel smarter already.
and more accomplished.
and im only at #02.

#03: to love my job as much as i love rowing

THIS HAS TO BE #13 THING I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
getting a job, finally. Alhamdullilah.
2 rounds of interviews. 3 candidates. and I emerged as the winner.
honestly, as much confident as i thought i was, i had this little voice inside of me telling me that i should continue hunting for another job while waiting for the results, JUST IN CASE i didnt get this job, and so i did. it was the scariest interviews EVER because clearly i was disadvantaged considering the amount of experience i hardly have as a working adult and my age and the fact that im considered a fresh graduate and the post actually requires someone with plenty of exp (and age) up their sleeves! and the questions i was asked during the interviews were not in the list of common questions asked when i tried to google them.
GASP.
anyways,
it was one of the BEST PHONECALLS IVE EVER RECEIVED IN MY LIFE.
its not really something id call a dream job. but its one of the little steps im planning to take to achieve my career goals (omg this sports psychology workshop has really gotten into my head, hasnt it?)
but really, maybe its not time for me to reveal what the job is yet and it wont make people go OMG YOU GOT THE JOB AS A _________ but im excited as it is because:
1. i'll be earning, Alhamdullilah
2. it has something to do with sports and working with youths.
3. i have a free shuttle bus from woodlands to my workplace and its down the road to my training centre and my bf.

okay, and back to my resolution #03, it sounds like an exciting job and i will learn to love it like how i love rowing. because i cant stand doing what i dont love. so its love it or leave it, and i hope its the latter. i really dont know whats in store for me but whatever it is, insyaAllah it'll be awesome. so i know its hard to love something else besides rowing but i have to share my love sometimes. right?

and since im in the topic of career and goals. what is my ultimate goal in life, really? one thing for sure is that i want to be an Olympian. but thats not a career. not like Spartans. when King Leonadis asked them whats their profession, they go HOOHOO! which meant they are Spartans. Doesnt apply to being an Olympian tho. so, i was thinking about it and what i really want in life and not ashamed to tell the world about it because you shouldnt be ashamed of dreaming big, is to be able to set up my own gym with my own fitness classes and own like my own boathouse under my very own boat club, and have a fleet of trainers and coaches under me. my ultimate goal is to make sure people love sports and fitness and banish the fat people in the world! muahahahahaha.

to be continued...

Bumped.

Firstly it was Bali. And all the silly money issues that just kept crumbling on me.

Secondly, it was soccer. I had been looking forward to the 11th of December 2011 because that's the day I was gonna play soccer. The court has been booked. The people have been invited. What's left was just us to travel there and kick some balls. But no, smart Aisyah decided to kick the ball before stretching. Smart Aisyah decided to give it a good kick after days of not exercising and what more not stretching. Smart Aisyah stretched her right quad muscle and felt a sharp pain. Applause. And throughout the whole day, Smart Aisyah just sat there on the benches watching the people play soccer. Congratulations for straining your quad muscle! Now not only can I not kick the ball, I can't run. Woohoo!

Thirdly, it was the day rowing became a nightmare for me. I was pissed. The period. The afternoon water caused by the (God knows why the winds are like gusts) winds. The stupid training boats which you just have to shut up and get used to. The shoes which were 5 size bigger. The boat riggings which were Horrid. Basically, rowing became a chore. I HATED EVERY BIT OF IT. so God decided that on that awful day when Aisyah was at the peak of her pissed off mode, lets teach her a lesson. #01: when you're pissed at the boat or the water or even yourself, don't vent it out on your boyfriend.
I was so pissed I rowed so hard and I knew the technique was messed up but I was just telling myself, GET THIS OVER AND DONE WITH MY GOD. and then, I heard a boat coming towards me and next thing I knew I flew out of my boat! FLYING IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. I was thrown backwards and into the water. At first it was okay, I thought I was safe, then I felt the pain creeping insidiously and ever so excruciatingly up my legs. My ankle. My right ankle. I can't feel it. I screamed and bawled and cried and just wailed I swear I sounded like a 5 yr old but I didn't care it was (insert rude word here) painful. I hyperventilated. I couldn't think.
I was rowing on a singles and the boat which clashed into mine was a doubles. So obviously and obeying the rules of physics like how Nadzrie explained to me, the amount of force you exert will be the same in the opposite direction. So the two boys plus their boat being waaaaaay heavier than me and my boat caused me to fly instead of them. And how nice the boat came to a complete stop as it was stuck right in between my boat's riggers. Can u imagine the inertia? Whoa. I flew.
Okay so back to the part when I was in the water grabbing on to my boat for dear life. God, oh God, I really don't remember hear much. My attention was drawn to just holding on to the boat in case I can't keep afloat. I know the boys were still around because their boat was stuck to mine. I didn't know what I was holding on to. I was just in excrutiating pain :(
Then Nadzrie came in his singles and he shouted for Raihan. He told me to come towards him but I was afraid. I can't feel my legs and I didn't know how to get to him. I almost made him capsize when I pushed on his oar. Afraid, I just held on to my boat to keep myself afloat. Raihan came and I was still breathing loudly and sobbing. I told him I couldn't feel my right foot. He told me to get closer to the katamaran but I couldn't, I was afraid. I told him, let me breathe first. So I cooled myself down and slowly pulled myself closer towards the boat. He pulled me up and my unisuit almost tore when it got caught on the stupid dirty katamaran. We towed my singles back. Initially, I couldn't feel the pain on my ankle, slowly, I felt the pain growing. Mampoz.
My ankle was gone by the time we reached the pontoon. It was purple and swollen like a dead fish. The ang moh mum helped me onto the pontoon and thats when I took a first step with my right foot. The pain reminded me of my ACL tear. The way it just gave way. It was scary. Nadzrie then piggy backed me to the office where Uncle Gilbert came with 2 bags of ice, enough to freeze my whole body. How cute of him.
Things happened really fast. The accident, the rescue, the speed at which my ankle got even bigger. Makkau. Later that night, Nadzrie's kind brother wrapped it for me.
I went to see dr the next day and thank God, it wasn't anything serious. I strained 2 ligaments around my ankle, more towards e heel side of the ankle which was a rare case of strain because my foot was in an awkward position when I strained it. In the morning, my ankles look like elephants. But it felt much better. Today, I can walk-slowly.
I survived probably world's first boat to boat accident which caused an ankle strain and 6 bruises on my arms and hip.
How exciting.

Fourthly, I know my weight shouldn't be an issue because like I mentioned before the heavier I am, the stronger I will be on the erg, and water. But I just can't stand gaining weight. :(

Fiftly and lastly, I still haven't gotten a job but I have several offers and interviews to attend which scares the shit out of me because really,
I don't know what's good for me!

May my ankle heal ASAP so I can start running and rowing again, insyaallah.
Amin.

worst day ever.

everyone has that day they wish didnt happen. it could be the day their 7 years relationship with the person they thought they'd spent their life with broke apart. it could be the day their boss told them to leave the company and never come back. it could be the day theyre inches or miliseconds away from winning a million dollars.
i wish today didnt happen.
i wish i didnt had to come back from bali.
but it happened, and yes,
i did come back, safely.
bali was a getaway ive been longing for, something i thought i deserve to reward myself for the achievements i had for the sea games. but noone ever mentioned to me it isnt fun to go on a holiday when your pockets are dried. well maybe my boyfriend did but i wasnt paying much attention cuz i really wanted to go, to just get away from life for a little while. and in the end he gave in and was happy to send me off at the ariport. okay, happy wasnt the right word to use but he was just being happy for me. more like it. thank you, sayang.
bali came and went.
and there i was, at changi airport, saying hello once again to life.
mind you, i love my life.
i love my boyfriend, i love his family, i love his cats, i love my legs, i love the fact that i found rowing and it has played a huge part of my life. i love my family, or whatever is left of it. i love how peaceful our country is i dont go around telling the world i love singapore because honestly i dont want to bring my future children up here, but yes, i love my life.
but life isnt what it is without the drawbacks and the problems and its challenges.
when i came back, things started to look bad, one at a time.
-mum nagged at me saying things along the lines of "i think im old enough to do whatever i want". im old enough not to retaliate. so i just closed my eyes, and listened. and think about how painful rowing is as compared to sitting here listening to her.
-my unpaid hp bills which starhub is supposed to waiver off but theyre taking ages to settle. making me really, awfully, utterly disgusted at their inefficient service.
-mendaki is asking back for their money they lent it to me to pay for my uni. and while im at it, yes, thank you for your money, mendaki, but i still dont understand why im not eligible for the bursary and why that guy who lives in a condo gets full bursary. thus, i will remind myself that when i find a job i will strike my name off the list of contributors to the mendaki fund. not because im selfish but because they dont deserve it. theres no point arguing about it or making a big hoohaa about it because nothing will change unless the whole organization itself changes. but it wont happen anytime soon so i'll save the effort for something more worth the while. i'll contribute to other associations insyallah but not this one
-DBS is asking for its money back too. thank you DBS for helping me pay for my acer laptop which i am gladly still using since 2007.
-im still jobless. i've turned out all the part-time job offers because i am so ready to find a full-time job and im not going to change my decision about this. but job hunting is killing me. and if you think being a degree holder is any better, its not
-the prison officers ive been training the whole years just told me that they found someone to replace me for the rest of the sessions because im always skipping their lessons and that "always" was when i was in korea, jakarta and recently, bali. wow. great people i work with, huh.
-im nowhere near ready for the Olympic qualifications in April which i really want to go for, since i feel good after the races at the sea games. but looking at how the organization runs here, considering the fact that im not training everyday and now im looking for a full-time job which i know is top priority because im dead broke, 2012 looks bleak.
-you can fill the whole Indian Ocean in my bank because thats how empty it is.
-i cried for a whole hour about all these and then i stopped

stupid bitch, stop crying, if today didnt happen, you wouldn't stop and think about all these issues that has been bothering you since the year started. you know this day would come and life is here to shove at your face what you have left behind when you chose rowing over everything else. this is the path you chose so live with it. you have two choices, stay down there and brood for the rest of the night and then throughout your life too or do something about it.