did u know?
the worst way to miss someone, is to sit right next to him knowing that u can never get him.
and thats exactly how im feeling.
sometimes, life is unfair, u know? like when u're born into this world as a Malay and u fall in love with this guy who isnt and just bcuz he isnt a Malay, u know u can never ever get him. like if ure born a cat, there's no way u can have sex with a dog right? ok. bad analogy. but u get my point dont u?
i feel shitty. shitty like the piece of shit at the edge of my anus that just wont budge. and shitty feelings top my most hated feeling list. i want this feeling to go away. like how bad i want the 'we-fight-everyday-for-stupid-reasons' virus to go away. i want to feel the same way like i did when i just came back from germany. knowing that i needed him. and he needed me. so much so that our handphone bills combined totalled up to $1000. while i was in germany and he was in amsterdam and we talked on the phone as if we were in singapore. thats how much we needed each other, i think. u think? stupid? i must say. feeling needed? totally.
but now, i dont feel it anymore. i dont feel needed. i dont feel the need. i dont feel anything. cuz he's not Malay. is that right? cuz he's Indian, cant speak Malay for goodness sake and dont believe in God. is it? does things go that way in life? is it my fault that i fell in love with an Indian and not a Malay? is it my fault that i was born a Malay? is it my freaking fault??? then why is this happening to me? oh, so drama-mama.
life is just unfair. good things must always come to an end. somehow. i know it.
ive never felt so miserable in my life before. its like even worse than failing all my term exams. cuz i expected to fail. cuz i dint study. cuz i was busy rowing like as if the day will never be complete without rowing. sometimes, i miss being my old self. i miss mugging alone in my room, locking the door, isolating myself, shouting at whoever dared to disturb me, i miss sitting for exams feeling prepared and i miss passing my exams. honestly, i miss being smart. now, i feel stupid. stupid cuz i failed my exams. stupid cuz i allowed rowing to engulf my life and it made me stupid! stupid cuz i fell in love with an indian? im sorry. i just wish the world is not separated into races and religions.
and while i row and row, i forgot about one of the most important things in life- my friends. its not that i choose to ignore them or try to find excuses not to meet up with them. if i have all the freakin' time in the world, i would spend all my time with them. but now that all my freakin' time has been consumed by rowing, i hardly have any time left to even say hi. my life sucks. like mosquitoes which had bitten 15 times on my right arm and another 10 on my left, 6 on my right leg and innumerable on my left (cuz i gave up counting). yea. like how NICE mosquitoes suck, my life goes on the same way too. blardy hell.
i better stop before my stress hormones rage up to every corner of my brain cell. then i'll start growing white hair, get even more stress and die of stress. i dont want to die of stress. neither do i wanna die fat. or stupid. i wanna die in peace.
ok. so whats my problem now. its 2 am. i should be sleeping cuz my head feels heavy and my eyes are tearing like hell. have u seen my eye bags? did u know that i had to sleep at 12 almost every night and wake up at 4.30 every morning. and no i dont get to take a nice hot shower and prepare for school. i wake up to lift weights for at least one hour then i'll take a cold shower, eat lousy breakfast and rush to school.
so whenever u think ur life sucks, whenever u wake up feeling like shit and dont wanna go to school, and before u complain about stress, think of me. and u'll feel fine. trust me.
till then, i will stay strong.
survival skills #01- never give up. not now. NEVER.
love rule #01- never fall in love with someone who isnt ur race or religion. NEVER. but when u're already in love, dont come to me. i cant help, cuz i cant even help myself. sad.
oh well.
i want my smart self back. please.
