2 weeks to SEA GAMES

So in case you haven't heard, its 2 weeks to the SEA Games. How scary is that?
That means its 2 weeks more of Sydney. 2 weeks more of beautiful beaches at my doorstep.
its down to the last 2 weeks to do whatever I need to do to improve on my rowing. to be faster stronger and most importantly, lighter. I have been having problems with my weight, I must admit. and the chilly weather here is not helping at all. but I am confident I am able to lose weight on time.
so, its really scary how 9 weeks have passed in a blink of an eye. how much ive been through it all. the broken nose. the fractured orbital floor. the torn retina which had to be lasered up and I was frikkin wide awake. the thousands of dollars having to spend on the medical fees. the sore back. spending almost a thousand bucks on physio and massage, which taught me an important lesson never to take for granted what ssc has provided me with all these services for free. the scary but thankfully short rib injury which is feeling so much better now. being off water for a week. and getting back in faster, stronger and more determined than ever. I think everything happens for a reason and I am grateful for whatever that had happened, even if it did put me out of the boat, it made me realise how badly I wanted to row. now that im back, and its down to the last 2 weeks, I must make full use of it. every single training counts. every single thing that I eat makes a difference. everything that I do will determine if I get that gold medal or not. and hell, I want it so bad, so fkn bad. I will do anything to get my hands on it. anything legal, of course. I think doping is just for losers who call themselves athletes and tarnish the name of sports.
but yeah, I want that gold medal so bad.
2 weeks to sea games.
3 weeks to my gold medal.
LETS DO THIS.

wednesday

3 days before i leave
3 million things to do.

just wanted to share something i discovered today. i mean, its not a discovery, more of a reminder per se: Everyone has their own shit to settle. Noone's shit is bigger than another person's.

That's it.

SEPTEMBER

september has been full of crazy shit nonsense.
after i came back from korea, it felt that i was a changed person.
on water, i was definitely faster, or so thats what i think. i mean, i did an 8:03mins for the 2k in korea. thats madness! thats like 14s off my pb!
i havent gymmed much cuz coach has reduced my gym sessions. so i dont know if im stronger.
im definitely fitter now, i did a 10:16mins for my 2.4km the other day which shaved off 44s off my previous pb set in 2006.
but besides the fact that im all of the above, im kinda lost my track of time. i havent been very productive at work. and im leaving for sydney in like 5 days.
im excited, and i cant wait to get so much faster and fitter and stronger. but before i leave i have a whole lot of shit to settle at work, at home, all over singapore.
its crazy how many things im leaving behind.
CRAZY.
i just wish time will stop just for this week, just for me. and give me a chance to drop whatever im doing, and smell the roses. even if its for a day. or even an hour. i wish i can just not think of anything. not do anything.

ive been rowing/running/gymming every single day since i came back.
4:30am alarm. 7am training. 9am rush to work. and the late nights at work.
repeat.
im tired.
but i know that i have to do this.

"if you want something you never had, then you've got to do something you've never done" they say.

here's to 11 weeks of being a better person, InsyaAllah.

The World Champs.

So Korea was amazing.
It wasn't just about the racing, which in fact, went pretty well even if I came 17th in the world. Having a world ranking is probably something not any other being in this world can achieve. And I'm number 17. It's something to celebrate about and cherish. And the best part about racing has to be the fact that I love it. I love love love it. I love the adrenaline that rushes through my veins before the race. I love stepping on the scales knowing that I was naturally made for this event. I love sitting in the quiet room alone mentally preparing myself to get hurt and willing to die on the course. I love every little bit of warming up, the nerves, the racing heart rate as I get into the boat and gets pushed off the pontoon, the starts, the things I think about in the boat during the race. OMG. I love everything about racing and having done 4 races in Korea, I immediately know that this is what I want to do, as long as I am able to. InsyaAllah.

Korea was about new experiences. It's the first time I'm at the worlds with a coach, and a team manager. And the amazing part was that my coach only saw me row for a few days and I've never met my team manager before this. And they were amazing people that made my races even more memorable. The mental preps, the after race talks, the adventures we had. It felt as though I almost had Australian parents.

Korea was about meeting people who didn't care if you're a world champion, or last in your race. The people in Chungju, Korea were the friendliest, kind-hearted, and (again, i'm overusing this word but i cant think of any other ways to decribe) amazing. just downright humble, supportive, and they never, never fail to surprise me and make me smile no matter what the circumstance was.

Korea has definitely changed my life in one way or another. But the question is whether I'm willing to take that leap into the darkness to experience a whole new life in front of me, or stay put where I am and continue to live life as it was before Korea.

---

And right now that I'm back in my office, sitting in front of my computer, doing things that i know wont benefit me in a few years time, waiting patiently for 21 Sept to come, I wonder why we put ourselves through these waitings. Waiting for this, waiting for that, waiting for signs, waiting for things to happen. Life is too short to be waiting around for things to happen! My work is becoming like a burden in my life. Well, I like it and all, and it definitely takes my time off thinking about stupid things and overthinking. And I like my colleagues, and the facilities here and I like the kids, they never fail to piss me off but sometimes they can be such sweethearts. But, I want to be more than just sitting here in front of my computer. I want more than this and I think it's time to move on in life.
Stop waiting. Like the malays will say, GO JER.

Things To Do Before I Turn 30

So last night, I was casually asking my bf, who's 5 years younger than me, how old I will be after the Olympics 2016 (which I am so gonna go), and before he could answer me, I went NOWAY.
I realised I'm not young anymore when the new colleague is younger than me.
I realised I'm not young anymore when I'm getting closer to the big 3-0.
It scares the shitniz out of me, but I think, rather than fearing what is to come, I think the best I can do (and you can too) is to make the most out of the life we have right now.

So I was reading a few lists on thoughtcatalogs and sorts about things to do when you're in your 20s and what to do while you're young, blahs. and I thought of coming up with my own list of what I must do before I reach 30 and what you must know before you reach 25 and that sort of stuff and who knows it might inspire you to have your own list too. Disclaimer: I am not including the spiritual/religious bits of it. I just want to feel materialstic for a while, may I?

MATERIALISTIC THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I TURN 30:

1. To experience all 4 seasons, which means, to be able to touch snow in winter, see leaves fall in autumn, watch the blooming season in spring and bear through the heat in summer. It doesnt matter where but I want to see and experience them all.

2. To visit an exotic island in the Carribeans. One of the beautiful beaches in the Dominican Republic like Punta Cana/Bávaro Beaches, any one of the Turks and Caicos islands, one of 365 Antigua's beaches (or maybe all of them!!!!) ARGH SO MANY OF THEM I WANT TO SEE THEM ALL. I WANT TO LAY ON THE SAND, SWIM IN THE SEA, JUST SOAK AND BASK UNDER THE SUN ALL DAY LONG. Maldives and Bali are too overrated. (actually this I can after 30 but if I get a chance to do it before 30, WHY NOT?)

3. Drive a luxury sports car. Like an Audi R8. For a day? I'll be more than happy to. I don't intend to own one cuz I'm not a fan of small, fast cars. I go for BIG.

4. To go skydiving. I'm not a fan of heights, and I think I won't be able to walk off that plank for a bungee jump.

5. To buy my own vehicle and a house. If I'm still in Singapore by the time I'm 30, I would have to get married to buy a HDB flat. If I'm overseas, I want a hugeass house with my own gym and probably a swanky SUV to complete the look.

THING YOU MUST KNOW BEFORE YOU TURN 25:

1. As much as you hate to hear it, you need to work your ass to live an okay life. As much as I want to be an athlete, I know it won't pay much so I gotta stick to my job and learn to deal with it. Without my job, I don't think I will be able to travel around the world!!!

2. Do a job that you love. I can't stand the fact of waking up every single day of my life waking up to do something that I hate, loathe, don't enjoy or doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day. I mean, my job's pretty okay. It don't feel satisfied with it every day but I think whether or not I do, it depends on how I grasp every available opportunity! Carpe diem, they say. SEIZE THE DAY! Stressful at times, but the fact that I can run to work from my training centre, I have a staff gym, a pool, a running track, a field, I get to play all sorts of sports here, it makes the place a much better place to be in.

3. EXERCISE IS FRIGGIN IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE. Run, gym, do sports, even if it means playing badminton every week or swimming with your kids on Sundays. But please remember that once a week of sweating it out is not enough. You don't eat 1200kcals for a week, do you? And I'm sure your once a week exercise does not burn 1200kcals a session. so, DONT EVER STOP EXERCISING. even when youre pregnant, unless your doctor bans you from exercising. Because when you stop exercising, you will become a blob and its very, very hard to turn a blob into something less-blobby. So don't stop. If you need a source of motivation, give me a call.

4. TRAVELLING is therapy. its is. it makes you realize either:
a. how grateful you are to be a Singaporean or
b. how much you need to get out of Singapore.
and how is that therapeutic? go Sydney, climb the Blue Mountains and tell me how you feel after that.

5. FAMILY is everything. No matter where you are, where your parents are, where your siblings are, keep in touch because they're your family for a damn bloody reason.

I think there's more that I want to do and so much more that you need to know before you turn 25 but time is short. These are all I could think of right now. What's yours?

random injury

so on wednesday (today is friday), I had this sharp pain on the right side of my abs, the obliques area, while rowing. i thought it was a stitch and ignored it. but in ten years (coming to 11 yrs can u believe it?) i've never had stitches while rowing before. the pain persisted even after rowing, and it ached when i walked. on thursday, i thought i should get it checked so i went to pay a visit to dr cormac's new and posh clinic cuz the sports council didnt had a dr that day (how sad is that?) and it was nice to see my fave dr again! he is still the same old. even the way he designed his office is the same. how i wish all doctors are like him. he really spends his precious time with each of his patient, which most doctors over-look cuz they think they dont have enough time to know their patients (i might be wrong cuz im not a doctor so this is a generalised statement). anyway, (whats up with the parentheses?) so yea, the diagnosis was that there is a wee bit of swelling around the right rib area where my obliques are. the dr wasnt sure if it was caused by the bone or the muscle but definitely not a stitch and THANK GOD it wasnt appendicitis (cuz i googled signs of appendicitis and i matched like 50% of the signs). dr said it could be caused by my drastic weight loss which led to lower bone density and thus causing lots of stress on the bone and the area around it (something like that).

so yeah, thought i'd jot this down because it might occur again in the future and i would know what it is. not just some random injury on my abs.

i ran today, it didnt hurt a bit and im happy cuz i have a staff race today and im out to win (i mean who joins a race for fun right?) LOL.

Fasting.

This fasting month, I try to be strong. I tell myself that it'll make me stronger. It will, InsyaAllah. But as I sit here in front of my laptop, waiting for the time to pass as it inches its way second, by second. 9hours. Counting down the hours- Its religiously wrong, but sometimes its mentally healing. I sound like the weakest Muslim in the world. But sometimes, it is just so hard to live through the day after a hard training at 6am in the morning. Especially today. Today is exceptionally tiring, MasyaAllah. Honestly, I feel like just chucking myself under my desk and take a nap, where noone can see me there. I try to be strong. I will not give in to thirst and lethargy. It's hard but I'll get through this. I will.

Courage.

Word of the week.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

I really like that.

This week, I've told my boss, my boss's boss and my colleagues about me taking a 12-weeks break from work. It took a whole lot of courage to do that. Why?
Because I am afraid of rejection.
I am afraid of people bringing me down with their words.
But I shouldn't be right?

I was walking around Causeway Point yesterday, one of those rare days I'm alone, and even rarer that I'm at CWP alone. And I thought to myself as I see this large amount of people as they pass me by, I'm not like them. I wake up at 530am everyday to train. I dont have time to chill, or relax, or enjoy, or shop. I'm different. And I think that's what makes my life so, special. So fulfilled. Being different from most of the people around me. Not superior. I don't think I'm superior in anyway. I just like the feeling that I'm different and that I have achieved so much in my life and I think I'm cool like that. LOL. I'm grateful. I'm grateful for all the things that have happened to me. Good, bad, horrible, amazing. I think life has its way of teaching us things we never thought we can learn from schools or from textbooks, or from the internet. And I'm grateful for this womderful sport that have changed my life altogether. I dont ever think I can be the same without this Rowing.

So, as I told my colleagues about my decision to leave them, I'm so grateful that they understand. Although I know it will be tough on them for a bit as they have to share the burden that I'm leaving but I think it eases my heart a bit to know that they are supporting me.

When I left MOE, it was an easy peasy decision to make cuz I didn't enjoy my life there. My colleagues were horrible, their friendliness were fake as hell and my job wasnt satisfying. I love my job here, I love my colleagues. I love the fact that I can train and work. Although even that took a lot of courage to seek for allowance to do so. But I guess if I don't make the effort, or if I don't step forward, I will never move. I will never improve. I will never win.

I will fully accept that every action I make has its consequence. There will be more work when I come back. Definitely. I guess I have to do what I ought to do. Right now, its to train so hard that in SEA Games, I am unbeatable. I wanna be that. And I will be that. InsyaAllah.

The journey to SEARF 2013, I think.

Next week, we'll be travelling to KL for the annual SEARF Championships.
Objective is to come home with at least a medal each so that we can get selected to participate in the SEA Games.
I'd say my chances are high, looking at the amount of training I've been through, the number of hours I've put on the water. Number of days I haven't seen my mum, or slept on my own bed.
I mean, I have to tell myself I have a high chance of winning a medal.
I mean, I have to win a medal.
I don't think I can live that ride home from KL to SPORE without any medal.
Nah, I got this.
I'm gonna win this shit.
My weight is hovering over 59-60ish. Hopefully it doesn't shoot up for no reason overnight. I've been trying my best to avoid unhealthy food at all costs. I've tried cutting down alot, skipping my lunches, eating like a cat for dinner. I know its unhealthy. But if I don't make weight, are you gonna sit there and pat on my back and tell me its okay that I can't race?
One more week to perfect my stroke.
Gotta take more time on water, not rush through the training. Objective of training is not to finish it, but to perform it to the best of my ability. Yeah, try telling that to me at 6:30am in the morning. I'll probably just tell you to go away.
I'm angsty, like that. Not something I'm proud of, but I'm bloody hell angsty all the time. God knows why. I wish I was more patient, more calm, more relaxed. Why am I so fkn tensed all the time? Stress will make me age faster. I must learn to manage my anger. I must.
So, work-wise. Shit is still shit. Not saying work is shit (not saying work isnt). But oh God oh God, this feeling of "I want to call it quits and row full-time" is back to haunt me. The only thing that is stopping me is the fact that the moolahs *kachingkaching* I am getting right now is pretty good and I kinda like what I do. But being here, and being an athlete, is like being an ice-cream seller and a sushi roller at the same time. It just doesn't mix well together, does it?
Okay, relax. I can't quit. I need to money to travel. Not that I have all the time in the world to travel and visit places and all that shit. I need to travel to compete, to train. To make sure I am on par with the rest of the women in my category. Make sure I'm not dead last anymore when I compete in world-class races. I am tired of being dead-last. I am tired of being the slowest and the weakest.
Yes, work-wise, I still haven't gotten the green light to go for the race next week.
I mean, they can't say no, can they?
If they do, then I guess, it's time for me to say Good-bye to work.

Here is where I rant about growing up.
But that's another story altogether.

I can't wait for work to end today so that I can go home and play my Xbox. Spent $50 on a Batman game last night, I feel like a twelve year old. I can't explain myself anymore, sometimes.

24

So here I am at 6:18am in the crowded bus going to work. I should be getting ready for training for goodness sake but nope. Here I am. Sniffing in the air of kopetosankuit. My dad used to call people who dont shower in the morning kopets. And kopetosanquits is the smell that they produce. Ew.
Im always always always complaining about not being able to train, having so little time on water, not wanting to be here and wish I was somewhere else like the boat. Im always saying I will make a difference to my life. Live the dream. Change. Pursue. But nope. Here I am in the bus going to work. Still.
I dont want to make irrational decisions, ending up regretting my choices in life knowing that I cant turn back (omg my eyes suddenly feel like they weigh a ton!!!)

This is funny but I actually fell asleep while typing the above and forogt about this post totally. Anyhoos as I lay down here, having an hr left spending my time being 24, I feel that I havent seized enough. Some people are already managers and millionares at 24. Im laying here in this half past bed in my rundown training centre earning just enough to make me feel happy. Do I really want this life? Even the greatest rower said that as rowers we cant possibly be filthy rich. Am I willing to forgo that to chase after my dreams?
Yeah.
Im gonna sleep now. Because tmr I have to be awesome on water. That gold is waiting for me.

GRAR

this is like the least necessary thing to say right now amidst the mess and chaos at work but i have this sudden urge to chop off my hair. A STRONG URGE.

should i?

TAKING RISKS

So here I am, back in my office, sitting at my desk.
Its been 10 long days. 10 days of absolutely no work, just the boat and me.
10 best days in March.

Let me tell you something.
So I didn't win in Sydney. I was dead last in the World Cup.
But there was something about racing and being in the boat, and being amongst the other rowers, waking up to row, that makes me want to do it again and again, for every single day of my life.
I love my job. But the love is nothing compared to how much I love rowing. Its a different kind of love. I work, cuz I have to. I row, cuz I want to. And I want to wake up every day of my life doing something I want to, not something that I have to.
So since I came back, I've been thinking. Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Waiting for something to happen? Hoping things will get better? Just sitting here at my desk waiting for lunch time so I can run, waiting for work to end so that I can train. Do I really want this?
I dont.
I want to wake up to row. I want to row before I head to bed.
I went for a Sports Scholarship talk by the Sports Council last night and good news is that the government is opening up more to supporting full-time athletes. Its gonna be a tough fight but I gotta fight for what I really want.
I'm not ready to call it quits and jump into full-time training, but hell I'm sure this is what I really want.
There's so many things I want to do right now and I'm so excited and geared up for things to happen.
I gotta take risks. I gotta stop hoping and wishing and start doing.
Insya Allah things will be good.

March.

Crazy. It's already March. My table at work looks like I have been working here for 35years. Wait, what table? All I see are piles and piles of sh**. I'm so disorganized I can kill myself. I attempt to clean up my table at times but the next minute after I'm done cleaning up, it will magically go back to its normal unruly state. My room is even in a worse condition. I swear I have tried at many attempts cleaning up the sh** I have but it doesn't seem to work quite right. Why can't my room look like an IKEA Showroom? No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem right.
I'm piled with work. It doesn't seem to end. There is never a low period in my office. I'm seriously bogged down. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I really don't.
I know work is my priority when I joined the workforce, but that was last year. This year, I want to be an athlete again. I want to wake up to row. I want to train when normal people are still in beds. When theyre having lunch or dinner. I want ot train like 3, 4, 5 times a day. I want to get better. I want to be the best. But this work sh** is not helping me in any way at all. Noone in the office ever gets it. I keep on telling them again, and again, and again, I'm having a major race at the end of the year. But they just don't get it.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I wish I can just train full-time, and get paid, even if its not as much as what I'm getting now. I just want to train. I'm still young, I know I'm pretty good at what I'm doing. I just want to train.
I don't want to do this anymore. Not now. Maybe I'll come back and do it when im 29 or 30, when my Olympic dreams have been achieved. But really, now is just not a good time.
I must do something about this. I can't just sit here and do nothing about it.
I must end all these.
I must train.

2013

Its like the 8th and I havent made any new year resolutions, and I didn't even reflect on my 2012.
Its like 6:11pm and I'm still in my office, taking every opportunity I have to resurface to breathe.
I have missed like at least 5 trainings this year.
I seriously need to do something about my life. It has to stop running without any purpose.
I have to stop living everyday just for the sake of getting through it. I need to tell myself to live each day with a bigger purpose. I need to bloody live.
This waiting, this part of life where I just sit here and live like a normal human being. This has to stop. I'm not normal. If my dream is to be in the Olympics in less than 4 years time, my life cannot be normal.
2013, watch out.
I'm coming.