work and everything else

life used to be rowing and everything else. rowing is the sun, everything else just revolves around it. and i didnt mind that at all because, 1. I love rowing 2. I really do 3. refer to point 1 and 2. when you get out of that water, the feeling you get after a good row is irreplacable. bad rows come with tears and disappointments but its a sign for you to work bloody hard for the next training so that you wont feel that way again. but day in day out, when you pack your bag to leave for home or training or wherever you were supposed to go to after work, the sense of satisfaction isnt there at all. well maybe you'll feel proud you have accomplished most of the things in your to-do list, or probably you feel relieved to have finally reached end of work. but still i dont see myself doing this for a long period of time. im 24, not young for an athlete, not old enough for a daily routine of work and nothing else. time isnt gonna wait for me. noone's gonna wait for me. especially all the other athletes vying for a spot in the 2016 Olympics. they're on the water right now rowing. or perhaps 9am would mean they would have just finished their morning row. looking forward to the afternoon and evening training. and while they have clocked in at least 2 hours of training today, i sit here, in front of my computer, whining. hating every moment i dont get to train. dont get me wrong, i like my job. i can wake up every morning to go to work, i dont need a reason to skip work or take MCs, sometimes i leave work at 10pm. but i dont love it. i wont go around telling people i love my job, like how i tell the world i love rowing, because simply, i dont love it. like and love has a vast different, mind you. work isn't mundane. theres new things to do everyday, and i get to teach and coach too, which makes life nicer in a way, because i get to teach sports and everyone knows the sports junkie i am. rowing is more mundane, i have to agree. doing the same shit every single day of your life. but i just cant put a finger to explain why i love it so much. and why i cant get this same feeling when i work. maybe its because i know i can do my job when im 30, 40 or probably even 50. but when it comes to sports, theres a certain age limit. once you hit 30, its hard to train, with your body knowing that it has tire out. sports is unfair, like that. thats why im here whining, complaining, sitting here like a workaholic wishing i was out there rowing, or sailing, or running. or whatever that brings me closer to the Olympics. work's not gonna help. but work is essential. because without it, im always broke. and my mum would nag more than ever. im distraught. distraught is a too nice word to describe what im feeling right now. and i havent even started on deciding whether i should stick to rowing or take the risk to sail. its a 2 very different sport, the only similarity would probably be that both are water sports. thats about it. everything else differs, from the muscle group i use, to the type of training i need, and even down to the bit that in rowing, i'd wanna be 59kg but in sailing, i have to be 72kg. but looking at the situation in rowing, the fact that i've been here for 10 years and nothing has changed no matter how much i try to change them, i think its time for a fresh start. and then, now, work is in the way. why cant the freaking govt just pay us athletes like how they pay the foreigners? i guess all things are difficult before they are easy. i gotta hang on. work or no work. sailing or rowing. whether im alone or i have support from my family and friends. i guess one thing i gotta hold on to is my dream. and fighting hard to get there. and right smack in the middle of all these dilemma and conundrums, the fasting month starts tomorrow. not like its a bad thing. maybe its a sign for me to stop, pray and think.

heartbroken.

It's one of those days, those moments, those seconds in life that u wish didn't happen. But u can't run away from the fact that it did happen. And when it did, all u wanted to do was to go back to the comfort of your home, face buried in your pillows and cry. Cry so loud u don't friggin care if the neighbors complain, let the police put u behind bars for public nuisance, may the court sentence u to a lifetime imprisonment. As long as u don't have to face this cruel, cruel world anymore.
I want to run away, fly to as far as I can, bring the people I love with me, get away from this country. Leave my misery behind. Start anew.
I'm so brokenhearted. I feel so distressed. So lost and confused and. And. I don't know. Im just so sad, Astaghfirullahalazim.
No, it's not Nadzrie. He's still with me and may we be together till the end of time, inshallah. In fact, he did the right thing today. To let me cry my eyes out, and hug me till I feel a tad better. Not asking, not telling me to stop crying. Thank you, sayang.
It's about my sport. And when my gym trainer told us, "if we continue to not have a coach, we cannot gym anymore." it was the most heartbreaking thing I've heard in years, masyallah. It hurts me so deep, my god. I immediately broke down in tears. Why, why do u take away things I love from me? One by one. Slowly. Insidiously. Taking everything away from me. My life. First rowing, now this.
I must fight for what I deserve. It's been too long waiting. Too much of doing nothing. I can't sit here watching my life crumble in my hands right before my eyes, not doing anything but to complain. I have to stop depending on people. I must fight for myself. I must be strong.
I know I have sailing, and I like it. It's hard, but I know with so much effort, I'll be really good in it. But time, oh time, work, oh god. With the kind of work I do, it's tough for me to train. It's not impossible, but hard. I must do something about this. I will. Inshallah. Things will change around here. They should. They must. Inshallah they will.
Keep me strong, oh God. Keep my will strong. With you, I shall soar.