i was talking to this senior online, this is what he said:
"silat pulak dah rowing, silat pulak why can't you just sit still now you're injured, you're not happy right? you like the lifestyle you're in now ah, getting injured, getting blisters on palms, going for ops? don't you want to take a back seat in life, and do some other stuffs instead?"

i dont know what to say.

---

i forgot how it feels like to have a fever. if i remember correctly, last i was down with fever was way back in sec3/4-ish, the only thing i could remember clearly was that my fever was so bad, KKH made me shower in ice water.

and now im heating up. i dont know if it still works but im putting a towel soaked in ice cold water on my head. i mean, if im still able to type this it means that its not so bad right? i dont have a thermometer at home. so much for having a paramedic in the house.
the grogginess is gone, Alhamdullilah. its just the flu and cough thats annoying me. if they persist, i doubt i can go tru surgery tmr.

yes, surgery is scheduled to take place tmr morning at sgh.
i have to stay over one night to get subsidised rates, if i choose not to, i have to pay $7k in cash.
im not looking forward to anything.
i just wish that i hadnt had gone for that silat trng on 23rd dec. but thats just stupid.
im gonna brood/cry/whine/complain/sulk/whatever, i know.
just bear with me, will you.

so, what made me sick?
nak menang punyer pasal.
we had this mini olympic games on tuesday at NTU.
NTU is far. like bloody FAR.
i was late cuz i had an appt with my surgeon that morning. i took a cab from SGH to NTU and it cost me $20. it was THAT far.
when i reached NTU i thought i was in johor, until i saw a group of chinese people, i changed my mind. it wasnt johor, its china.
the weather these days has been confusing. like seriously, MAKE UP YOUR MIND. do u want it to be scorching, burn my face HOT or drizzle-rain-wind blow-shivering COLD. and the best thing was that on tuesday, we played in the hot sun -heavy drizzle weather. 4 out of 5 of my teammates fell sick, including me. yeah the weather in ntu-china made me have fever for the first time in 3/4 years.

other than that,
we won the games.
it was a good win cuz we almost lost dodgeball to the team that got 2nd place.
they were hell good at dodgeball, finally some competition, eh?
i have to admit we suck at dodgeball, we're just lucky.
but sorry captain's ball is just our forte.
so yeah, we brought home a medal and cert, and flu/fever virus from ntu-china.

and aisyah being aisyah dint want to sit still and stay at home,
went swimming with the Tjunct girls on wednesday.
again it felt like i was in another country, somewhere in jurong west, where confused weather prevails.
it was hot, im burnt now (again) then it drizzled, then hot, then cold.

and tada,
2 days of ntu-china and jurongwest-jb weather,
im down with fever/flu/cough.
it was so bad during arab class, my mind just went blank for like a few minutes. it was scary. like i said, i forgot what it fels like to be really sick. and of all the time in the world, i chose to be sick this week.

and if i still feel like SHIT like this,
they'll have to postpone my surgery.

oh and its friday alr tmr.
i havent done a single school work.
whats wrong with me?

here's the thing.
i almost forgot-

Assalammualaikum.

yes. the thing is. i cant wait for my surgery, but i dont want it to happen, now that i can walk normally. but if u look at my legs long enuf, if u have nothing better to do, and if u think tree trunks are nice to look at, u can actually see the huge difference in size between my right and left leg! my physio told me that when the ligament tears, the body automatically shuts down the entire leg thus muscles not working as much, and body tends to depend on my uninjured leg more. its kinda pretty tho, my legs, they look like they belong to 2 different ppl. kinda cool. i told my physio why dont u kick my other leg so they'll be equally smaller.

and why i cant wait for the surgery is because i want to get it done and over with ASAP so i can start playing again.
u have no friggin idea how much i want to play all sorts of things. God! soccer, netball, run, RUN, RUN, SOCCER, NETBALL, SILAT, RUN, gaaah!!!
if i had the chance to change one thing, i would want to ban everyone from playing all sorts of sports until i am able to play again. but thats just stupid and selfish.
but taking the bus across the NUS field almost everyday to travel from arts to eat at megabites make me feel like ERGH.
im such a loser sia.
grow up.

i was browsing tru my 'old' pics when i was young and healthy and not injured.
i miss soccer,
and my long hair.

ok dah. im tired of complaining.

but, if i dont complain,
ive got nothing to say.

bye.

HAHAHA.
lets attempt to talk about the rainbows, and the sun, and the bright lovely day.
i cant think of any.

i watched a hall production last night. it was supposed to be an abstract play on love, lies and life. something like that and u know im not an avid fan of "things that require you to think" thus it wasnt really my kind of stuff. id rather watch kusumawangi again and get scared again. thats why its a malay production- not much thinking required, cater to the audience. know thy kind, bebeh.

oh and i went to the UHWC for the first time since the pre-admission health check. i have had this persistent cough for 2 weeks so i finally decided to not be stubborn and trod my way to YIH to visit the doctor. the doctor was awfully rude. but okay i paid $5 for everything so i guess he knows how much he's worth thus the lousy attitude. so that night i told fairuz that if he were to become a doctor someday, well he is anyway, dont be like that. its just awful.

but when i went to the sgh private clinic for my consultation with the knee surgeon, i thought i would have received better service but he was the same! i had to pay $85 to see this surgeon's face who dint even face me, dint smile. come on and for like 2mins, he ripped $85 off my mum's pocket. and oh apparently i wasnt given a choice so i was immediately given private class which means i have to pay $5000 on day of surgery which made my mum blew her top so surgery's pretty much not settled yet.

and school oh school's getting busier by the day. the presentations, the sunday 8am meetings in sch (yes, tmr, mind you- SUNDAY MORNING 8am SCHOOL), the tests, this and that, the wobbling knee, the flights and flights of stairs in NUS, whenever i climb the stairs in school, i wonder how im gonna do the same after surgery.

oh the rehab guy made me do 100 one legged (injured leg) squats and 1-min wall squats that day and i almost died. my pantat still throbs in pain.
and he reminded me that what im going tru now will be nothing compared to what i will go tru aft the surgery. i dont know if i should laugh, or cry.

or just not think about it.

i have this stupid cough which almost made me pass out a few minutes ago. crying didnt help much. why dint i just passed out and die? it would make the world a better place for everyone. insurance money, less whining and complain, and sports council doesnt have to fork out thousands of dollars for my surgery.

my knee doesnt hurt any more in fact it hasnt given way for the longest time. its not good. it pissed me off cuz im gonna spend 9months not being able to play sports and now i dont feel an itch on the knee. full recovery after surgery takes 9months. stop brooding, they say. but sports is the only thing im good at and the only thing that makes my stress go away. now that i cant do any bloody exercises, u want me to be happy about it? yea yea dont start with the 'stay optimistic' bullshit. im an athlete and ive lost a part of my life. how do u want me to be myself now? and with school work, project meetings, presentations, having to travel all the way to kallang for rehab and physio then back to school at the other end of the world for class- life currently sucks.

and stop it with the 'ure not in this alone' shit. u have no idea how much it sucks to see myself not exercising, giving a million and one excuses, brooding, complaining, being so bitchy, perpetually moody.

i admit it, im brooding. im such a loser. what kind of athlete am i?

oh wait. what kind of athlete is sportless?
my kind.
i dont deserve to be called one.

its just too much things to take and its only february.
if i annoy you cuz im weak, why dont u just come shoot me.
id rather be dead.
i cant stand myself like this.
i feel sorry for myself.

lets have one less weakling in the face of this earth.
the fittest will survive, remember?