MasyaAllah I don’t think I can take it anymore.

Ive got to tell you the truth.

I cry myself to sleep every single night, since Sunday. Every single night, MasyaAllah. Sometimes, I think too much, sometimes I don’t think, sometimes I just feel like crying because it hurts so deep inside, and sometimes I cry and cry, I forgot what im even crying about. MasyaAllah.

I pray all the time that God will take this pain away from me. I trust that He will, but I’ve never been so hurt for this long before. I don’t know why I even let myself get hurt. They say I must be strong, I’ll pull through this. But its so much harder than I thought. I pray to God to give me strength, for me to overcome these challenges. But why do I always feel as though the worlds coming down on me at the end of the day? Whats happening to me?

I woke up on a beautiful Sunday morning, getting a call from someone who hardly knows me, and tells me that she doesn’t like me. Someone who changed my entire life, and since that call, and since that day, my heart was never calm.

After we broke up, you promised to work on us again. I’ve always believed in us, I thought we could always work things out. It has to take two to make us stronger. Then I found out that Im the only one keeping things together between us cuz YOU GAVE UP. You took everything away from me, cuz u were my everything.

Other than getting my knee cut open, and my toenail ripped off by bicycle gears, the next most painful thing in the world is to know that someone you love, don’t love you back the same, and wont stand up for you.

I don’t know why it hurts so much. Maybe youre right, I loved you too much. Is it wrong to love someone wholeheartedly?

Life is cruel, I know. One day you feel like you’re on the top of the world, and the next day, you’re down in the drains. I tell myself every freaking day that Im gonna pick myself up and bloody move on. But MasyaAllah, why am I not doing it?

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I was off crutches since last Friday. Today marks the 2nd week since my surgery. My extension and flexion have been fairly okay. Ive been going for rehab and physio almost everyday. The doctor took off my stitches today and let me keep the stitch.

I’ve gotta thank adeel and rauf for sending me to rehab so that I could save on cab fare. I spent more than a hundred bucks on cab fares alone last week. I braved the bus alone on Tuesday during the evening peak hour, and the train during the morning peak on Wednesday and today. On Wednesday, an ang moh gave up his seat to me but today, No one gave up their seat. Compassionate society, no?

This knee injury have had brought me thinking about so many things. That’s why I can spend hours just lying on the bed thinking, not sleeping, not doing anything else but just staring into space. Ive been thinking about how much ive taken my leg for granted. I realised that NUS is bloody inaccessible and non-user friendly for the handicapped. I know im bogged down by the million and one things my friends are going tru; paintball, Frisbee, netball, silat friendlies, wakeboarding, what not. I get pissed knowing that they choose to go without me. I get really angry and worked up I start thinking about how caring my friends are. Making me regret going for surgery because its painful and it will take a year for me to go back to do sports.
Then, I feel stupid. I cant be bloody selfish. Doesn’t mean I cant do these activities I have to stop my friends from doing them. But sometimes, I just cant help it. Like receiving daily updates about the NTU-NUS silat friendly tomorrow. As much as I wanna know whats going on in silat, I wished they dint tell me. :(

Its like rubbing the knee brace in my face. You’re injured, bitch. Wake up.

one thing after another. i dont know how much i can take before i give up myself.