The journey to SEARF 2013, I think.

Next week, we'll be travelling to KL for the annual SEARF Championships.
Objective is to come home with at least a medal each so that we can get selected to participate in the SEA Games.
I'd say my chances are high, looking at the amount of training I've been through, the number of hours I've put on the water. Number of days I haven't seen my mum, or slept on my own bed.
I mean, I have to tell myself I have a high chance of winning a medal.
I mean, I have to win a medal.
I don't think I can live that ride home from KL to SPORE without any medal.
Nah, I got this.
I'm gonna win this shit.
My weight is hovering over 59-60ish. Hopefully it doesn't shoot up for no reason overnight. I've been trying my best to avoid unhealthy food at all costs. I've tried cutting down alot, skipping my lunches, eating like a cat for dinner. I know its unhealthy. But if I don't make weight, are you gonna sit there and pat on my back and tell me its okay that I can't race?
One more week to perfect my stroke.
Gotta take more time on water, not rush through the training. Objective of training is not to finish it, but to perform it to the best of my ability. Yeah, try telling that to me at 6:30am in the morning. I'll probably just tell you to go away.
I'm angsty, like that. Not something I'm proud of, but I'm bloody hell angsty all the time. God knows why. I wish I was more patient, more calm, more relaxed. Why am I so fkn tensed all the time? Stress will make me age faster. I must learn to manage my anger. I must.
So, work-wise. Shit is still shit. Not saying work is shit (not saying work isnt). But oh God oh God, this feeling of "I want to call it quits and row full-time" is back to haunt me. The only thing that is stopping me is the fact that the moolahs *kachingkaching* I am getting right now is pretty good and I kinda like what I do. But being here, and being an athlete, is like being an ice-cream seller and a sushi roller at the same time. It just doesn't mix well together, does it?
Okay, relax. I can't quit. I need to money to travel. Not that I have all the time in the world to travel and visit places and all that shit. I need to travel to compete, to train. To make sure I am on par with the rest of the women in my category. Make sure I'm not dead last anymore when I compete in world-class races. I am tired of being dead-last. I am tired of being the slowest and the weakest.
Yes, work-wise, I still haven't gotten the green light to go for the race next week.
I mean, they can't say no, can they?
If they do, then I guess, it's time for me to say Good-bye to work.

Here is where I rant about growing up.
But that's another story altogether.

I can't wait for work to end today so that I can go home and play my Xbox. Spent $50 on a Batman game last night, I feel like a twelve year old. I can't explain myself anymore, sometimes.