allasiacup day one.

and today i rowed in my W1X heats.
and i came in last. i wasnt tired. i didnt even try.
it was such an embarassment.
they asked me how was it, and i had to say that i was last.
it wasnt about what people think,
but about what i think.
why didnt i train?
why didnt i try?
i gave up, totally. i have nothing to hide now.
what kind of athlete, ROWER in fact, cant take pain?
who gives up easily.
who makes it so easy for the rest to beat her.
i hate myself for the race today.
i hate myself for not even trying.
and he says why am i so pessimistic,
why do i put so much unnecessary pressure on myself.
and i say, cuz im a rower.
and i cant take defeats.
if i lose, i want to lose trying.
not giving up like what i did.
even if i lose, ill make sure they have to row hard to win.

tomorrow, i shall race.
today wasnt a race.
it was disgrace.