10 reasons why I should quit.
10. I hate the thought of waking up early to go to school instead of training.
9. I heard the school bell and cringe.
8. I stepped into the empty staff room, loving it empty.
7. I pulled out my lappy, plugged in my headphones and minded my own business, although i hear other teachers walk in and out. im a loner, i like it that way.
6. I attempted to finish up my slides but ended up searching about other non-work-related things like Rowing and Holidays and OTHER JOB OPPORTUNITIES. and this is not the first time.
5. I emailed my HOD to ask her to sign my leave for my trip to KL next week and she replied telling me that theres a staff meeting next week and I might not be able to go for the trip.
i know. i feel like crying.
4. I want to go to the Coaches Conference in UK next Jan, I want to go for the training camp in Australia in March, and I dont want to go tru the hassle of having to apply for leaves again. ever again.
3. I cant stand being rejected.
2. I know im better off as a coach, a personal trainer and as a rower. I KNOW.
1. I cant seem to tell myself to do these work. i just hate it. cant you tell?
The only thing that keeps me going is the pay. Maybe its not always about the money.
Should I take the risk of quitting?
Will I look back and regret?
Or will I be more awesome leaving?
OHMYGOD.
the decision of the year, i swear. :'(
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
to quit or not to quit;
you know what just got me thinking.
other than the fact that after i say this im gonna go berserk cuz my workload is 0.03% complete,
i got reminded of those days back during the sea games year when i almost gave up.
when i almost hanged my oars and did what other people do which is to live, as opposed to train every single friggin day.
but i hanged on to it no matter how much i hated it.
hated every single bit of it.
and because of that, i grew stronger,
more stubborn,
more oarsome,
and because of that,
i brought home a medal.
yes, that got me thinking.
WHY QUIT TEACHING NOW.
who knows i might be good at it.
i hate it now.
every single bit of it.
from lesson plans, to applying for leaves when i need to travel overseas,
to power point slides and reading textbooks i have sworn to myself never to touch again.
but maybe next year, i might look back and tell myself,
"THANK GOD I DIDNT QUIT."
or it could turn out the total opposite,
"SHIT I SHOULD HAVE QUIT!"
damn.
i didnt think of that.
okay back to square one.
good attempt at convincing yourself, aisyah.
10 points for that.
other than the fact that after i say this im gonna go berserk cuz my workload is 0.03% complete,
i got reminded of those days back during the sea games year when i almost gave up.
when i almost hanged my oars and did what other people do which is to live, as opposed to train every single friggin day.
but i hanged on to it no matter how much i hated it.
hated every single bit of it.
and because of that, i grew stronger,
more stubborn,
more oarsome,
and because of that,
i brought home a medal.
yes, that got me thinking.
WHY QUIT TEACHING NOW.
who knows i might be good at it.
i hate it now.
every single bit of it.
from lesson plans, to applying for leaves when i need to travel overseas,
to power point slides and reading textbooks i have sworn to myself never to touch again.
but maybe next year, i might look back and tell myself,
"THANK GOD I DIDNT QUIT."
or it could turn out the total opposite,
"SHIT I SHOULD HAVE QUIT!"
damn.
i didnt think of that.
okay back to square one.
good attempt at convincing yourself, aisyah.
10 points for that.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
life has been so mundane that im starting to LIST things according to order of importance. okay bedek. more like what comes into my head first.
10 things. (tak habes habes dgn 10 things dier.) i realised its easier to list down things now. since ive become a teacher, lists are the new way of life. time to get organized baby. macam paham. my life's still a mess. OHMYGOD. bad role model, moe should just sack me.
10. you heard that right. MOE should just tell me,
"excuse me, ms aisyah, i think you're better of as a coach or rower or a trainer or any other occupation but not as a teacher. please leave."
will definitely make my life so much easier, i swear!
so i dont have to wreck my brain cells to decide whether i want to continue to teach or not. ugh. but NO, they gave me a hefty pay to bribe me to stay and my God. (Alhamdulillah, for that matter) the pay is SO DAMN GOOD. lol. and people around me are telling me to stay like one of my clients when she told me the other day that i should think about teaching cuz im pretty good at motivating people. but WHY DO I NOT LIKE IT I DONT EVEN KNOW. maybe i do know but im refusing to believe that they are the reasons why i dont like it cuz they are ridiculous, petty reasons.
9. THOUGHTS OF QUITTING STILL HAUNTS ME.
ugh. since september you know. omg. im thinking of sean kingston. "She's indecisive, she cant decide." MEMANG.
if they had an award for being most indecisive person ever, i should soooo win it.
not that im proud of it or anything but REALLY. sometimes i wish i could just turn into a guy when it comes to making decisions. like how nadz went into NUM, picked up a pair of slippers and went on to pay for them without thinking whether there could be other designs which could be nicer than the pair he was holding on to in other shops, or other things in that shop that might interest him. NO. it was fast and furious. take and go. just take and go. (read: russell peters).
but then again, maybe not. thats what makes girls different. THE FACT THAT WE CANT DECIDE. love us or leave us. betul tak? chen de mah? chen de.
back to the work topic. YES OMG. i have this love/hate relationship with my job. i wish i could just quit, migrate and die alone in an island or something. ee, burok.
i should do the "which guy should i choose" method of making decisions we all used to do back in secondary school. list down the plus and minus points of teaching. and compare. but what if minus points outweigh the plus points and i end up quitting and regretting and moe will blacklist me and will never allow me to teach again when my plan B fails and i plan to go back to teaching. zomg. scary. a little help? hopeless siolz.
8. unnecessary stress, seriously.
and im supposed to prepare like 14 chapters of geog slides (woohoo!) and im at chapter 2. I KNOW RIGHT I AM SO DEAD. boo. i mean, the thought of reading the textbook makes me wanna sleep and you want me to preach these kids to love the subject? give me PE anytime and i'll make sure by the end of the yr, these kids will love running. but NO. geog > PE. UGH. people ask me why goeg. YOU DONT WANNA KNOW SEH. (actually, u might wanna know. its a funny story.
1. i took geog in A Levels, loved it, got a B for it.
2. took a geog module in uni, dint attend a single lecture, got an A for it.
3. i love clouds and rocks.)
these are the reasons why i wanted to teach geog. which obviously doesnt mean i like teaching geog, there must be a flaw in the interview sytem and recruitment criteria in moe.
BAAH.
7. BAAH reminds me of ebenezer scrooge from christmas carol and christmas is around the corner. I KNOW RIGHT. like END OF THE YEAR, ya'll. SO FAST AND FURIOUS LIKE TOKYO DRIFT!
"i wonder if we know how to live in tokyo if you see it and you mean it then you know you have to go. fast and furiousssssss tick tick tick!" (sings in an annoying high pitch voice).
and again, ive digressed and lost my train of thoughts. (and i just downloaded the tokyo drift ringtone into my iphone)
6. I AM AN IPHONE USER, ya'll. i have finally succummed to Apple's evil plan to take over the world but the iphone is so handy i dont know how i lived without it before i got it! okay bedek. too much, aisyah. its alright lah i guess. my free 12G never seemed to finish until i was so worried it was a once off offer i called starhub to ask whether its 12G every month of truout my 2 years contract with them. LOL. stupido.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT TRU TO GET MY HANDS ON THIS GADGET. 2 hours of queuing up, getting into a small squabble with a random stranger-cum-loserface, losingmy virginity of shouting at a stranger in public. MY GOD. the drama.
and i think i spent like close to $10 on apps i hardly use. (latest app bought: spongebob diner dash.) MAMPOS.
im gonna try to make MOE pay for my iphone. i mean, im gonna use google maps, GPS, and share with my kids. educational, no?
5. OH HAVE YOU TRIED THE NEW CHEESE AND CARAMEL POPCORN AT CITY LINK MALL? omg. SEDAPNAKMAMPOS pls. go try it.
nadz visited my blog on my iphone while we were queueing up for popcorn yesterday and it made me wonder whether people actually do read what shit i have to offer for the world on this blog although 99% of the time its nonsense and doesnt bring any form of benefit at all to any individual, i swear. i mean, who in the right mind would want to read about this 22 year old female being who probably has one of the most unexciting lives in the universe, right? :(
4. AM I THAT BORING? :(
to think about it, in the 22 years of my life, ive been tru so much, my goodness! grew up without a dad around, well he's around but i dont stay with him, and i actually didnt grow up to be rebellious, smoking, partying the night away, piercing my nose like a lembu, and deserve to be depicted in Anak Metropolitan V5.0 or something. hooray to my good choices of friends i actually turned out to be a pretty innocent person, yeah? been tru the best times in life like representing the nation, bringing home a medal, falling in love. in the other hand, went tru the worstttt times in life too like feeling like dying when i fell out of love, got cheated, cheated on others and felt like i deserve to just eat worms and die, grew fat, stopped rowing for a friggin yr, tore my ACL (OMG THIS TOPS THE LIST OF WORST THING TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE). you see, my life's not that boring, it seems. YAY TO AISYAH.
that reminds me. let me recall.
having been mistaken as a sri lankan twice, burmese twice, "not from around here" many times, from saudi arabia once (i know right). never what my blood's made of: malay and chinese. my life (and face, for that matter) is pretty interesting, it seems. :)
3. TALKING ABOUT MY KNEE, OMG.
if choosing the wrong sport was a sin, tearing an ACL would be the ultimate punishment that God would never forgive and it would be irreversible. OMG. 26the dec 2008. almost 2 years have passed since that very day rasheilla kicked my knee and i screamed like the world's gonna collapse on me. 27th feb 2009. a yr and a half since i said hello to my new ligament which hasnt been behaving like how its supposed to. its affecting my trainings, i cant run anymore, it hurts to play soccer. basically, im doomed, my dreams are crushed. WAH SO PEESIMISTIC. boo!
it just wont friggin recuperate. and the most annoying thing is that noone knows why. :(
2. okay look on the bright side. ummm.
lemme think of something nice to say to myself.
at least i still have 2 awesome looking imbalance legs where the right calf is smaller than the left! woohoo. all i want for chirstmas, is for my knee to get muchos better. can? :(
christmas reminds me of Love Actually, you know that scene when mark expressed his love to juliet. OMG MOST ROMANTIC SCENE EVER PLEASE I'LL JUST MELT AND DIE. dah, cukup.
1. talking about love.
10 things. (tak habes habes dgn 10 things dier.) i realised its easier to list down things now. since ive become a teacher, lists are the new way of life. time to get organized baby. macam paham. my life's still a mess. OHMYGOD. bad role model, moe should just sack me.
10. you heard that right. MOE should just tell me,
"excuse me, ms aisyah, i think you're better of as a coach or rower or a trainer or any other occupation but not as a teacher. please leave."
will definitely make my life so much easier, i swear!
so i dont have to wreck my brain cells to decide whether i want to continue to teach or not. ugh. but NO, they gave me a hefty pay to bribe me to stay and my God. (Alhamdulillah, for that matter) the pay is SO DAMN GOOD. lol. and people around me are telling me to stay like one of my clients when she told me the other day that i should think about teaching cuz im pretty good at motivating people. but WHY DO I NOT LIKE IT I DONT EVEN KNOW. maybe i do know but im refusing to believe that they are the reasons why i dont like it cuz they are ridiculous, petty reasons.
like, the other teachers dont talk to me.
or, i hate kids. LOL.
i know right, do u feel like strangling me sometimes?
i HATE making decisions, for the love of God. WHY AM I SO FICKLE.
9. THOUGHTS OF QUITTING STILL HAUNTS ME.
ugh. since september you know. omg. im thinking of sean kingston. "She's indecisive, she cant decide." MEMANG.
if they had an award for being most indecisive person ever, i should soooo win it.
not that im proud of it or anything but REALLY. sometimes i wish i could just turn into a guy when it comes to making decisions. like how nadz went into NUM, picked up a pair of slippers and went on to pay for them without thinking whether there could be other designs which could be nicer than the pair he was holding on to in other shops, or other things in that shop that might interest him. NO. it was fast and furious. take and go. just take and go. (read: russell peters).
but then again, maybe not. thats what makes girls different. THE FACT THAT WE CANT DECIDE. love us or leave us. betul tak? chen de mah? chen de.
back to the work topic. YES OMG. i have this love/hate relationship with my job. i wish i could just quit, migrate and die alone in an island or something. ee, burok.
i should do the "which guy should i choose" method of making decisions we all used to do back in secondary school. list down the plus and minus points of teaching. and compare. but what if minus points outweigh the plus points and i end up quitting and regretting and moe will blacklist me and will never allow me to teach again when my plan B fails and i plan to go back to teaching. zomg. scary. a little help? hopeless siolz.
8. unnecessary stress, seriously.
and im supposed to prepare like 14 chapters of geog slides (woohoo!) and im at chapter 2. I KNOW RIGHT I AM SO DEAD. boo. i mean, the thought of reading the textbook makes me wanna sleep and you want me to preach these kids to love the subject? give me PE anytime and i'll make sure by the end of the yr, these kids will love running. but NO. geog > PE. UGH. people ask me why goeg. YOU DONT WANNA KNOW SEH. (actually, u might wanna know. its a funny story.
1. i took geog in A Levels, loved it, got a B for it.
2. took a geog module in uni, dint attend a single lecture, got an A for it.
3. i love clouds and rocks.)
these are the reasons why i wanted to teach geog. which obviously doesnt mean i like teaching geog, there must be a flaw in the interview sytem and recruitment criteria in moe.
BAAH.
7. BAAH reminds me of ebenezer scrooge from christmas carol and christmas is around the corner. I KNOW RIGHT. like END OF THE YEAR, ya'll. SO FAST AND FURIOUS LIKE TOKYO DRIFT!
"i wonder if we know how to live in tokyo if you see it and you mean it then you know you have to go. fast and furiousssssss tick tick tick!" (sings in an annoying high pitch voice).
and again, ive digressed and lost my train of thoughts. (and i just downloaded the tokyo drift ringtone into my iphone)
6. I AM AN IPHONE USER, ya'll. i have finally succummed to Apple's evil plan to take over the world but the iphone is so handy i dont know how i lived without it before i got it! okay bedek. too much, aisyah. its alright lah i guess. my free 12G never seemed to finish until i was so worried it was a once off offer i called starhub to ask whether its 12G every month of truout my 2 years contract with them. LOL. stupido.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT TRU TO GET MY HANDS ON THIS GADGET. 2 hours of queuing up, getting into a small squabble with a random stranger-cum-loserface, losingmy virginity of shouting at a stranger in public. MY GOD. the drama.
and i think i spent like close to $10 on apps i hardly use. (latest app bought: spongebob diner dash.) MAMPOS.
im gonna try to make MOE pay for my iphone. i mean, im gonna use google maps, GPS, and share with my kids. educational, no?
5. OH HAVE YOU TRIED THE NEW CHEESE AND CARAMEL POPCORN AT CITY LINK MALL? omg. SEDAPNAKMAMPOS pls. go try it.
nadz visited my blog on my iphone while we were queueing up for popcorn yesterday and it made me wonder whether people actually do read what shit i have to offer for the world on this blog although 99% of the time its nonsense and doesnt bring any form of benefit at all to any individual, i swear. i mean, who in the right mind would want to read about this 22 year old female being who probably has one of the most unexciting lives in the universe, right? :(
4. AM I THAT BORING? :(
to think about it, in the 22 years of my life, ive been tru so much, my goodness! grew up without a dad around, well he's around but i dont stay with him, and i actually didnt grow up to be rebellious, smoking, partying the night away, piercing my nose like a lembu, and deserve to be depicted in Anak Metropolitan V5.0 or something. hooray to my good choices of friends i actually turned out to be a pretty innocent person, yeah? been tru the best times in life like representing the nation, bringing home a medal, falling in love. in the other hand, went tru the worstttt times in life too like feeling like dying when i fell out of love, got cheated, cheated on others and felt like i deserve to just eat worms and die, grew fat, stopped rowing for a friggin yr, tore my ACL (OMG THIS TOPS THE LIST OF WORST THING TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE). you see, my life's not that boring, it seems. YAY TO AISYAH.
that reminds me. let me recall.
having been mistaken as a sri lankan twice, burmese twice, "not from around here" many times, from saudi arabia once (i know right). never what my blood's made of: malay and chinese. my life (and face, for that matter) is pretty interesting, it seems. :)
3. TALKING ABOUT MY KNEE, OMG.
if choosing the wrong sport was a sin, tearing an ACL would be the ultimate punishment that God would never forgive and it would be irreversible. OMG. 26the dec 2008. almost 2 years have passed since that very day rasheilla kicked my knee and i screamed like the world's gonna collapse on me. 27th feb 2009. a yr and a half since i said hello to my new ligament which hasnt been behaving like how its supposed to. its affecting my trainings, i cant run anymore, it hurts to play soccer. basically, im doomed, my dreams are crushed. WAH SO PEESIMISTIC. boo!
it just wont friggin recuperate. and the most annoying thing is that noone knows why. :(
2. okay look on the bright side. ummm.
lemme think of something nice to say to myself.
at least i still have 2 awesome looking imbalance legs where the right calf is smaller than the left! woohoo. all i want for chirstmas, is for my knee to get muchos better. can? :(
christmas reminds me of Love Actually, you know that scene when mark expressed his love to juliet. OMG MOST ROMANTIC SCENE EVER PLEASE I'LL JUST MELT AND DIE. dah, cukup.
1. talking about love.
when it comes to love, age is just a number. lets go prove people wrong baby. and like they say,
"sometimes you gotta quit thinking so much. if it feels right, it probably is.
so just go with it."
Thursday, December 02, 2010
10 things.
1. Down with migraine and lousy cramps. Googled them and got : Menstrual Migraine.
PMS. check.
nausea. check.
bloatedness. check.
late onset of period. check.
feeling like a total shit. check.
vomitting my breakfast, lunch and dinner last night. check.
letting the world know that im having menstrual migraine. check.
2. waking up at 11.30am feeling grogggggyyyyyyyy. sucks.
i hate wasting my mornings.
3. having 1,000,000 things to do but spent the last 3 hours lying on bed telling myself that im sick and its okay not to be doing work and i will do it tomorrow or the next day when i feel better, knowing that the next few days i will be so packed with activities i know i wont have time to do but im just lying to myself that i will get work done then.
in other word: to PROCRASTINATE.
4. wondering whether the guy you love loves you back the same way u love them. feeling feeling 18 again. (must be the stupid PMS. ugh.)
5. having this immense need to WHINE MY HEART, LUNGS, THROAT, GUTS OUT to someone.
6. replying text messages with ":(" just cuz you dont know what to say and you just feel that way :(
7. :(
8. cant even think of 10 things to spill. the migraine virus must have eaten up 3,486,293 of my brain cells.
9. i want to train but i shall stop being stubborn once in a while and REST. or should i train? no. rest. but i need to sweat it out. NO REST. TRAIN. REST.
UGH. i hate being sick :(
10. telling myself that i should just stop feeling sad and be awesome instead.
the lies you try to tell yourself.
1. Down with migraine and lousy cramps. Googled them and got : Menstrual Migraine.
PMS. check.
nausea. check.
bloatedness. check.
late onset of period. check.
feeling like a total shit. check.
vomitting my breakfast, lunch and dinner last night. check.
letting the world know that im having menstrual migraine. check.
2. waking up at 11.30am feeling grogggggyyyyyyyy. sucks.
i hate wasting my mornings.
3. having 1,000,000 things to do but spent the last 3 hours lying on bed telling myself that im sick and its okay not to be doing work and i will do it tomorrow or the next day when i feel better, knowing that the next few days i will be so packed with activities i know i wont have time to do but im just lying to myself that i will get work done then.
in other word: to PROCRASTINATE.
4. wondering whether the guy you love loves you back the same way u love them. feeling feeling 18 again. (must be the stupid PMS. ugh.)
5. having this immense need to WHINE MY HEART, LUNGS, THROAT, GUTS OUT to someone.
6. replying text messages with ":(" just cuz you dont know what to say and you just feel that way :(
7. :(
8. cant even think of 10 things to spill. the migraine virus must have eaten up 3,486,293 of my brain cells.
9. i want to train but i shall stop being stubborn once in a while and REST. or should i train? no. rest. but i need to sweat it out. NO REST. TRAIN. REST.
UGH. i hate being sick :(
10. telling myself that i should just stop feeling sad and be awesome instead.
the lies you try to tell yourself.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Dad.
sometimes, i envy those people who come home to their dad's arms. i dont get such privilege since i was 5. my dad's still here, but he has another family to take care of. He was hardly there for me when it comes to the unforgettable moments in my life. he wasnt there to send me off to my first ever Sea Games, neither was he there on my second games, he wasnt there for me when i first got my heart broken, he didnt see how much i suffered after my knee surgery, he didnt celebrate my 21st birthday with me, and recently, he didn't attend my graduation ceremony. i know he would if he could.
but I'm always, always, always thankful everytime i get to see my dad, hold his hand, hug him, and reply to his "I miss you" and "I love you" SMSes because I know he'll always be in my heart and i'm always in his.
sometimes, u just know.
i love you, dad.
but I'm always, always, always thankful everytime i get to see my dad, hold his hand, hug him, and reply to his "I miss you" and "I love you" SMSes because I know he'll always be in my heart and i'm always in his.
sometimes, u just know.
i love you, dad.
10 ways.
how to tell if you're having a good day:
1. you rowed 16km on water and not feeling as though you're gonna die.
1. you rowed 16km on water and not feeling as though you're gonna die.
- water need not be super flat. wavey waters are fine. add to the challenge. ups your balance.
- presence of winds are perfectly okay. windless days are mood killers.
2. stepped on the weighing scale and smiling to yourself, knowing that hard work has finally showed some results.
3a. having absolutely no work for the rest of the day.
3b.which translates to being able to finally change your blog skin which hasnt been done so for the longest time.
3c. which also translates to being able to take long afternoon naps stretching up to 3-5hrs.
4. being able to set the alarm clock and press the snooze button at any number of times, without worrying about being late for anything.
5. waking up looking forward to a cool, refreshing shower.
6. waking up to whats cooking in the kitchen. (provided mum's at home and she's not cooking fish/sotong/prawns/gross seafood)
7. walking to the grocery store to buy cartons (note: cartonssssssss!!) of drinks.
because you are damn thirsty, you wished your lips had leftover juice from yesterday you constantly lick them.
8. having the mood to bake, which comes only once in a bluemoon.
(downturn: but having no moolahs to buy the ingredients. and having no maid to wash the utensils for you)
9. breaking fast with the family.
and 10. saw the face of the one you love. :)
amin.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
14km.
my WEDNESDAY went like this:
7am-9ish am: rowed 14km with shaun
11am-4pm: reached home and slept like a pig for 5 hrs
6pm-9pm: met up with dilz, yatay and sha for buka @ 18chefs
10pm-now: home
no work day = SLEEPING day = awesome :)
i dont usually take afternoon naps but today's nap should be banned from being called a nap.
5 hours is definitely not a short time. but nap or nappy or not, SLEEP IS GOOD.
but NOT with contacts on. NO.
i know. when i plonked myself on bed i was like, "ok 5mins and i'll go take out my contacts and wash my face." 5 mins became 5 hours.
i woke up with a red eye and 2 pimples. woohoo.
im amazed at my ability to sleep anywhere everywhere anytime all-the-time.
i can sleep for 12 hours, like how i did after YOG was over. and still slept well at night.
i used to sleep here, there, everywhere so much so that my ex-coach gave me a name: sheba. i dont know what it means but i would have guessed it means lazy-ass-rower-who-won-a-bronze-medal in bitchy-coach language. probably.
today's row was OARsome. (i love that word: OARsome)
i felt as though i was on REDBULL or smtg but i havent touched any caffeineted drinks since eons ago (i know caffeineted is spelt wrongly but i dont bother checking it up, really) OMG IM GONNA BECOME A TEACHER, but PE teachers dont need to know how to spell, do they?
YES. ROW. yes, 16km. weather was superb. although the last few laps the waves were oddly CRAZY. like really. but i love love love it. it felt so good. i dont know what motivated me to row so good that morning, but it just felt OARSOME. woohoo. fave word.
i know i was supposed to row 18km (coach says it'll be my new fave number). but the other rowers were already leaving the water, i dont wanna get left behind. im worried the loch ness monster under the murky waters of pandan reservoir might eat me up. u never know. pandan has the WEIRDESTTTT creatures in the world.
oh talking about creatures,
there was a spider on my boat today, which i only realised when i was on water. the spider went for a joy ride with me. woohoo.
and while i was showering i heard a loud SPLAT. like seriously it sounded like how its written:
last weekend, while doing stretches on the benches in the toilet (on a mat), i removed the mat and saw a splattered dead spider. oops. HAHAHA.
---
meeting up with the girls was fun, as usual. bulan puasa pun gossip tak maintain, serious. TSK. us VS tudung girls. omg, when will we ever insaf and wear one.
and recently, i feel so loved by my friends. they totally understand me.
wow, the convenience of assumptions. with 6 days a week of trng, 3 schools to coach for netball and 5 clients. im the free-est. wow. i love my friends.
and for the upcoming iftar with the guys:
7am-9ish am: rowed 14km with shaun
11am-4pm: reached home and slept like a pig for 5 hrs
6pm-9pm: met up with dilz, yatay and sha for buka @ 18chefs
10pm-now: home
no work day = SLEEPING day = awesome :)
i dont usually take afternoon naps but today's nap should be banned from being called a nap.
nap;
verb (used without object)
1. to sleep for a short time; doze.
1. to sleep for a short time; doze.
5 hours is definitely not a short time. but nap or nappy or not, SLEEP IS GOOD.
but NOT with contacts on. NO.
i know. when i plonked myself on bed i was like, "ok 5mins and i'll go take out my contacts and wash my face." 5 mins became 5 hours.
i woke up with a red eye and 2 pimples. woohoo.
im amazed at my ability to sleep anywhere everywhere anytime all-the-time.
i can sleep for 12 hours, like how i did after YOG was over. and still slept well at night.
i used to sleep here, there, everywhere so much so that my ex-coach gave me a name: sheba. i dont know what it means but i would have guessed it means lazy-ass-rower-who-won-a-bronze-medal in bitchy-coach language. probably.
today's row was OARsome. (i love that word: OARsome)
i felt as though i was on REDBULL or smtg but i havent touched any caffeineted drinks since eons ago (i know caffeineted is spelt wrongly but i dont bother checking it up, really) OMG IM GONNA BECOME A TEACHER, but PE teachers dont need to know how to spell, do they?
YES. ROW. yes, 16km. weather was superb. although the last few laps the waves were oddly CRAZY. like really. but i love love love it. it felt so good. i dont know what motivated me to row so good that morning, but it just felt OARSOME. woohoo. fave word.
i know i was supposed to row 18km (coach says it'll be my new fave number). but the other rowers were already leaving the water, i dont wanna get left behind. im worried the loch ness monster under the murky waters of pandan reservoir might eat me up. u never know. pandan has the WEIRDESTTTT creatures in the world.
oh talking about creatures,
there was a spider on my boat today, which i only realised when i was on water. the spider went for a joy ride with me. woohoo.
and while i was showering i heard a loud SPLAT. like seriously it sounded like how its written:
SPLAT.
and on the floor, a few inches from where my slippers were, there was a tail-less lizard. it was huge, fat and like almost black. SO GROSS pls. it has obviously died because a few seconds later, there were ants crowding around it feasting on the stupid dead lizard. i think it fell from the fan. ew.last weekend, while doing stretches on the benches in the toilet (on a mat), i removed the mat and saw a splattered dead spider. oops. HAHAHA.
---
meeting up with the girls was fun, as usual. bulan puasa pun gossip tak maintain, serious. TSK. us VS tudung girls. omg, when will we ever insaf and wear one.
and recently, i feel so loved by my friends. they totally understand me.
dilz: "aisyah, we vote u to plan our hari raya outing."
aisyah: "why me?"
all: "cuz youre the free-est."
and for the upcoming iftar with the guys:
aisyah: "we have to book first."
wafi:"thank you aisyah."
fazli: "yes, thank you aisyah."
thank you friends.
Monday, August 23, 2010
i feel like im just going through this phase of the fasting month. the only thing that differs what ive gone through for the past 2 weeks from the other weeks that ive been through is the fact that i get REALLY thirsty, hungry like all the time and fell REALLY tired and weak throughout the whole day. there must be more to fasting than just feeling awful, right?
mum wakes us up for sahur at 4:45am everyday. most of the time i dont remember what i eat for sahur. whatever is served on the dining table goes into the stomach. i miss having to fight for space at the dining table. there used to be 7 of us vying for a table of 6. now theres only 5 left. but only 3-4 will be sitting together to eat. abg al would probably be sleeping still or on his xbox or refusing to sahur just cuz man u lost. abg dani would be in front of his computer screen, for the past 100 yrs or so. my mum's husband (who is obviously not my dad if not i would have already referred to him as dad) doesnt talk to us. sometimes, i feel that they're just housemates. i hardly speak to my own brothers even other than being called fat at random times by them or commenting that they're growing a tummy or like yesterday was one of those random sibling moments when we watched the spore-haiti match on tv together (more on that later). i dont feel like a family unit anymore. its sad, really. i hate growing up. sometimes, i have to admit i miss quarrelling with my brothers. at least we're communicating, albeit loudly or violently. now each of us are leading our own private lives where friends are placed at a higher priority than yr blood sister/brothers. the least we can do now as a family is to go out for family dinners. dont put up yr hopes high on seeing my siblings and i having a picnic at the beach with our mum or kiteflying at marina barrage. it would be just WEIRD.
havent been training much during the fasting month bcuz of the yog but boy, whenever i hit the waters, i feel like i dont have any energy left to do anything for the rest of the day. it sucks, really. that awful weak lousy feeling esp in the afternoons, esp when the sun is scorching hot. yr throat starts to dry up, yr lips start to crack, yr limbs refuse to obey ur commands they go haywire and yr head feels as thought they weigh a ton. i know all these symptoms make me sound like a loozer, but it had been really, really tough. but so far, Alhamdullilah ive managed to survive a few days of training, work and fasting altogether and its down to another 2 weeks or so. and the hardest part of all this is doing it alone. people may pity you or look up to how strong or determined or enduring and persevering you are, but they will never truly know what it feels like to train at 7am in the morning and having to live through the day till you get the next sip of water at 7pm. i guess fasting makes you stronger mentally. insyaAllah it will.
oh and yeah, yog for rowing is like overrrrrrr. i know. time flies. but the period was pretty hectic for the NTOs. i had to leave home at 530am to catch the early (probably the first) train to kallang and making sure not to miss the shuttle bus to marina. coming later than 7am would put u in nic's bad books. so it has been pretty normal not to sleep after sahur. tiring, definitely. but the most disappointing/disgusting thing that i saw at marina was the bunch of malay/muslim volunteers whom conveniently decided that they would not be fasting and ate in the eyes of many. not that it matters to me if they'll be punished by God but its such utter disrecpect to the holy month of Ramadhan. who am i to tell them that they are wrong. i know i myself isnt treating the month at its best but still, i still adhere to basic respect. seriously. what has the world come into?
the singapore juniors did pretty okay. i dont know how they feel, really. dint talk to them much. they were busy with their stuff, i was busy with mine. my role as an NTO at the finish tower was exciting. the FISA council member will announce to the room the winners of the races and i have to report them to the umpire boat at the finish line to guide the winner to the media pontoon to be interviewed. exciting, i tell you. met the official timekeeper guys from Omega who were really friendly and funny. one of them has a daughter who's 14 and almost as tall as me and bigger than me and the best thing he said was that im small for a rower. i know right. judging from our (Asian) sizes and that of the ang mohs, how are we ever gonna be on par with them in rowing when height really does matter? sigh.
YOG not only took coach away from our regular trng sessions, it took nadz away too. he has been staying at the village since forever, and i havent seen his face since the last day of the races. best thing is that he hasnt been texting much, i assume he's too caught up with the bustling activities at YOV. drew said i should give him some time and space. so is not texting the entire day giving him all the time and space that he might need?
sometimes, im too tired to even bother. really. why make someone a priority when he only makes you an option. i refuse to get hurt this way. the more i care, the more i get hurt. so i should care less, really.
oh and how can i not mention the match between the singapore cubs and the oscar-winning haiti actors-cum-footballers last night. im never really a fan of singapore football, blame the s-league for that. but yesterday i was hoping really hard the cubs get into the final cuz i heard they were awesome and i saw them play and they were pretty good. but too much attention, media and pressure put them in an over-confident, big-headed position. thus tragic fell upon them last night. but i was so so so omg super frustrated at the way the haitians played after they scored the first goal. they're time wasting techniques were so ridiculously annoying it was really an eye sore to watch how each and every one of them fell and clutched a part of their body and rolled on the turf as though it was an ACL tear (cuz an ACL tear is the most painful thing tt could happen, trust me). DRAMA MAMA HABIS. seriously. even mum was pissed. i would have applauded them for good play if they dint had added in the oscar-winning acting. really.
okay, i promise myself not to sleep beyond 12 am every night. ive been having these awful block nose one minute and runny nose the next minute sickness it annoys the shit out of me. and the fact that theres rowing tmr morning and i cant sleep aft sahur. boo.
work's gonna start pretty soon i hope i get a school with a super understanding principal. insyaAllah. i dont know if im looking forward to work at all. but im sooooo not looking forward to tell people drg hari raya visitd that im gonna start teaching. cuz that would mean that i wouldnt receive any green packets. and it would be waaay too early for that to happen. CANNOT.
okay, the flu meds starting to take effect. ARGH. bye.
mum wakes us up for sahur at 4:45am everyday. most of the time i dont remember what i eat for sahur. whatever is served on the dining table goes into the stomach. i miss having to fight for space at the dining table. there used to be 7 of us vying for a table of 6. now theres only 5 left. but only 3-4 will be sitting together to eat. abg al would probably be sleeping still or on his xbox or refusing to sahur just cuz man u lost. abg dani would be in front of his computer screen, for the past 100 yrs or so. my mum's husband (who is obviously not my dad if not i would have already referred to him as dad) doesnt talk to us. sometimes, i feel that they're just housemates. i hardly speak to my own brothers even other than being called fat at random times by them or commenting that they're growing a tummy or like yesterday was one of those random sibling moments when we watched the spore-haiti match on tv together (more on that later). i dont feel like a family unit anymore. its sad, really. i hate growing up. sometimes, i have to admit i miss quarrelling with my brothers. at least we're communicating, albeit loudly or violently. now each of us are leading our own private lives where friends are placed at a higher priority than yr blood sister/brothers. the least we can do now as a family is to go out for family dinners. dont put up yr hopes high on seeing my siblings and i having a picnic at the beach with our mum or kiteflying at marina barrage. it would be just WEIRD.
havent been training much during the fasting month bcuz of the yog but boy, whenever i hit the waters, i feel like i dont have any energy left to do anything for the rest of the day. it sucks, really. that awful weak lousy feeling esp in the afternoons, esp when the sun is scorching hot. yr throat starts to dry up, yr lips start to crack, yr limbs refuse to obey ur commands they go haywire and yr head feels as thought they weigh a ton. i know all these symptoms make me sound like a loozer, but it had been really, really tough. but so far, Alhamdullilah ive managed to survive a few days of training, work and fasting altogether and its down to another 2 weeks or so. and the hardest part of all this is doing it alone. people may pity you or look up to how strong or determined or enduring and persevering you are, but they will never truly know what it feels like to train at 7am in the morning and having to live through the day till you get the next sip of water at 7pm. i guess fasting makes you stronger mentally. insyaAllah it will.
oh and yeah, yog for rowing is like overrrrrrr. i know. time flies. but the period was pretty hectic for the NTOs. i had to leave home at 530am to catch the early (probably the first) train to kallang and making sure not to miss the shuttle bus to marina. coming later than 7am would put u in nic's bad books. so it has been pretty normal not to sleep after sahur. tiring, definitely. but the most disappointing/disgusting thing that i saw at marina was the bunch of malay/muslim volunteers whom conveniently decided that they would not be fasting and ate in the eyes of many. not that it matters to me if they'll be punished by God but its such utter disrecpect to the holy month of Ramadhan. who am i to tell them that they are wrong. i know i myself isnt treating the month at its best but still, i still adhere to basic respect. seriously. what has the world come into?
the singapore juniors did pretty okay. i dont know how they feel, really. dint talk to them much. they were busy with their stuff, i was busy with mine. my role as an NTO at the finish tower was exciting. the FISA council member will announce to the room the winners of the races and i have to report them to the umpire boat at the finish line to guide the winner to the media pontoon to be interviewed. exciting, i tell you. met the official timekeeper guys from Omega who were really friendly and funny. one of them has a daughter who's 14 and almost as tall as me and bigger than me and the best thing he said was that im small for a rower. i know right. judging from our (Asian) sizes and that of the ang mohs, how are we ever gonna be on par with them in rowing when height really does matter? sigh.
YOG not only took coach away from our regular trng sessions, it took nadz away too. he has been staying at the village since forever, and i havent seen his face since the last day of the races. best thing is that he hasnt been texting much, i assume he's too caught up with the bustling activities at YOV. drew said i should give him some time and space. so is not texting the entire day giving him all the time and space that he might need?
sometimes, im too tired to even bother. really. why make someone a priority when he only makes you an option. i refuse to get hurt this way. the more i care, the more i get hurt. so i should care less, really.
oh and how can i not mention the match between the singapore cubs and the oscar-winning haiti actors-cum-footballers last night. im never really a fan of singapore football, blame the s-league for that. but yesterday i was hoping really hard the cubs get into the final cuz i heard they were awesome and i saw them play and they were pretty good. but too much attention, media and pressure put them in an over-confident, big-headed position. thus tragic fell upon them last night. but i was so so so omg super frustrated at the way the haitians played after they scored the first goal. they're time wasting techniques were so ridiculously annoying it was really an eye sore to watch how each and every one of them fell and clutched a part of their body and rolled on the turf as though it was an ACL tear (cuz an ACL tear is the most painful thing tt could happen, trust me). DRAMA MAMA HABIS. seriously. even mum was pissed. i would have applauded them for good play if they dint had added in the oscar-winning acting. really.
okay, i promise myself not to sleep beyond 12 am every night. ive been having these awful block nose one minute and runny nose the next minute sickness it annoys the shit out of me. and the fact that theres rowing tmr morning and i cant sleep aft sahur. boo.
work's gonna start pretty soon i hope i get a school with a super understanding principal. insyaAllah. i dont know if im looking forward to work at all. but im sooooo not looking forward to tell people drg hari raya visitd that im gonna start teaching. cuz that would mean that i wouldnt receive any green packets. and it would be waaay too early for that to happen. CANNOT.
okay, the flu meds starting to take effect. ARGH. bye.
Monday, August 09, 2010
ugh. i cant stand horrible organisation skills.
and assumptions that people around you know everything.
our lives dont revolve around you, you know.
am i the only one who feels this way?
seriously.
noone makes aisyah pissed on a monday night. not monday, please. :(
1. i dont know my role during yog. yeah push me here and there. tell me if im not needed, i would have helped out with the CEP team where i know my efforts would be much appreciated.
2. you dont support my training. i bet you dont even know if i come down for trng or not. i could go broke from the 238509243 cabs i have to take to the trng cntr and never come for trng any more for the rest of my life and you wouldnt even realise i was gone.
3. you send out an email assuming that everyone understands yr excel spreadsheet.
4. you send out an email NOT stating that we're supposed to report at this place at this time and hoping that we could figure that out by ourselves.
5. and you dint tell us what uniform we were supposed to wear. is it the m size uniform that you took for me insisting that its the right fit for me. or could we wear anything we want?
6. so where am i supposed to go now what do i do now.
(a) i have trng, which i am so not looking forward to but i know i have to go for. because if i dont go:
(i) coach will slit my throat.
(ii) i'd be kicked out of the team.
(iii) i dont deserved to be called a national rower.
and i want none of these.
(b) i have work, which i'd rather go to even tho the people i work with can be bitchy, because i get paid and with the money i am able to top up my ezlink card and pay for cab fares so tt i can train every morning.
(c) i have to go to marina, where i dont even know if im supposed to be there in the first place and it'll make me really, really, oh my god, really pissed if i were to spend my time there doing absolutely nothing at all.
and nothing you do helps me make my decision.
ugh.
reason #01 why i left you for a yr and a half.
PISSED. OFF.
my client expressed her concern today abt my trainings and the approaching fasting month. she said that i shouldnt train too much, id get dehydrated and its really bad for my health. sweet of her to say such things but i wish i could do that. i wished it was that simple.
im left with $xx in my bank. so pathetic, i'd cry. 90% of my money went to topping up almost everyday and cabbing to training cntr, work, back, forth. the pain. UGH.
and sometimes i wonder if im the only rower/athlete/sportsperson/whatever you call these grps of ppl who are not interested in stuff like other athletes, record timings, these and thats of the sports, other than being passionate about the sport itself. i love rowing, i really do. i cant imagine myself without it. (ok, bedek. actually, i can. aisyah without rowing is aisyah a yr back- a 173cm blob of fat. ew.) yeah, as much as i love rowing and i'd marry my boat and oars, i dont visit the rowing website often, i dont go gaga over other rowers, i dont read about rowing, not news, not competitions unless they're held ard the region. they just dont interest me. and i wonder if that makes me less of an athlete, moreover less of a rower. :(
and most of the times i wonder if all these effort and hard work are worth it.
yes, i do wonder alot.
im tired. its 11:50pm and i should be sleeping. im gonna have to row with my favourite teammate tmr. im so excited im gonna die. im so looking forward to training.
ugh.
dear God, if there's one thing i wish for right now, i wish i wont ever, ever lose motivation to row. InsyaAllah.
and assumptions that people around you know everything.
our lives dont revolve around you, you know.
am i the only one who feels this way?
seriously.
noone makes aisyah pissed on a monday night. not monday, please. :(
1. i dont know my role during yog. yeah push me here and there. tell me if im not needed, i would have helped out with the CEP team where i know my efforts would be much appreciated.
2. you dont support my training. i bet you dont even know if i come down for trng or not. i could go broke from the 238509243 cabs i have to take to the trng cntr and never come for trng any more for the rest of my life and you wouldnt even realise i was gone.
3. you send out an email assuming that everyone understands yr excel spreadsheet.
4. you send out an email NOT stating that we're supposed to report at this place at this time and hoping that we could figure that out by ourselves.
5. and you dint tell us what uniform we were supposed to wear. is it the m size uniform that you took for me insisting that its the right fit for me. or could we wear anything we want?
6. so where am i supposed to go now what do i do now.
(a) i have trng, which i am so not looking forward to but i know i have to go for. because if i dont go:
(i) coach will slit my throat.
(ii) i'd be kicked out of the team.
(iii) i dont deserved to be called a national rower.
and i want none of these.
(b) i have work, which i'd rather go to even tho the people i work with can be bitchy, because i get paid and with the money i am able to top up my ezlink card and pay for cab fares so tt i can train every morning.
(c) i have to go to marina, where i dont even know if im supposed to be there in the first place and it'll make me really, really, oh my god, really pissed if i were to spend my time there doing absolutely nothing at all.
and nothing you do helps me make my decision.
ugh.
reason #01 why i left you for a yr and a half.
PISSED. OFF.
my client expressed her concern today abt my trainings and the approaching fasting month. she said that i shouldnt train too much, id get dehydrated and its really bad for my health. sweet of her to say such things but i wish i could do that. i wished it was that simple.
im left with $xx in my bank. so pathetic, i'd cry. 90% of my money went to topping up almost everyday and cabbing to training cntr, work, back, forth. the pain. UGH.
and sometimes i wonder if im the only rower/athlete/sportsperson/whatever you call these grps of ppl who are not interested in stuff like other athletes, record timings, these and thats of the sports, other than being passionate about the sport itself. i love rowing, i really do. i cant imagine myself without it. (ok, bedek. actually, i can. aisyah without rowing is aisyah a yr back- a 173cm blob of fat. ew.) yeah, as much as i love rowing and i'd marry my boat and oars, i dont visit the rowing website often, i dont go gaga over other rowers, i dont read about rowing, not news, not competitions unless they're held ard the region. they just dont interest me. and i wonder if that makes me less of an athlete, moreover less of a rower. :(
and most of the times i wonder if all these effort and hard work are worth it.
yes, i do wonder alot.
im tired. its 11:50pm and i should be sleeping. im gonna have to row with my favourite teammate tmr. im so excited im gonna die. im so looking forward to training.
ugh.
dear God, if there's one thing i wish for right now, i wish i wont ever, ever lose motivation to row. InsyaAllah.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
world war 3 just ended in my house.
AISYAH vs MUM. epic battle.
weapons of mass destruction: MOUTH, and whatever that comes out of it.
and like in any war,
there are no winners, only losers.
chey.
OMG.
its been a long time since i quarrelled with my mum.
ok bedek. i quarrel with her like almost every other day when we're both at home.
but today's quarrel-o-meter hit 9/10!
and it had to be the day i came home early.
the irony of life.
you come home early, hoping to bask in the atmosphere evening sunlight,
hoping that your mum will come home from work, giving you a pat on the back and say:
"IM PROUD OF YOU, DAUGHTER. YOU'RE HOME EARLY TODAY."
but all i got was a full 5mins of screamings and naggings which were directed at me from outside my locked bedroom door. but i couldnt (more of didnt want to) hear cuz i was shutting my ears.
yah, truout the 5mins i couldnt hear a thing. i could make out words like "derhaka", "jantan" and what nots. I KNOW RIGHT. i told you it was THAT intense.
i dont mean to be rude but seriously.
living with her for 22 years,
i can safely conclude that she ENJOYS finding flaws in my actions and behaviours.
aiyah, u say,
its a mum thing.
yeah, i guess youre right.
its like their JOB to carik pasal with you.
so my brothers who were hardly at home were at home when the war happened.
one of them got pissed so he made me and mum sit and talk,
after much persuasion that i get out of the room.
one of the issues mum laid out was: rowing.
i dont know how rowing got into the picture but it did! she's not happy that i can wake up at 5am every morning to row but cant do shit for the household. i know right. i mean, okay arguement accepted. i admit i dont do housework, im hardly at home, but you dont put rowing in the picture. its just, wrong.
if only she knew how awesome i am on water.
but she doesnt.
she'll never understand.
(i know, sad right?)
haiya.
she needs to watch 3 idiots.
if you havent watched it yet.
YOURE MISSING OUT ALOT, man.
3 idiots taught me one important lesson in life:
do what you love, not what people tell you to do.
thus,
i refuse to do housework.
OKAY RUDE SEH.
kidding.
i'll do it.
soon.
really.
promise.
hari raya's coming btw.
means i gotta clean the house soon anyway.
boo :(
any latest updatessss.
1. rowing's been awesome. blisters come and go. they say pain makes you stronger. mum has been nagging incessantly abt my busy rowing schedule cuz she derives satisfaction from doing it. im sorry mum but nothing's gonna stop me from doing what i love.
2. my hamstring's being such an ass at the moment. tight here tight there. from all the cycling in perth. conclusion: cycling is just NOT my thing. PUT THAT IN YR HEAD, aisyah.
3. YOG's on its way, round the corner and somebody's gonna kick some rowers ass on water! i've always believed that winning IS everything but in the olympics, its not. being part of it is already THAT awesome (right, nadz?) :)
4. im currently superbly annoyed at the efficiency of MOE/NIE, whichever. maybe both. firstly they said im gonna go nie in the next intake. now they're telling me i'll be sent to school to teach. and i wrote them an email and they've been forwarding to this division and that sector, blah blah, but no replies. SERIOUSLY. i almost gave up on them seh. but to think of it. I WANNA INSPIRE PEOPLE, yo. (thanks fazli)
5. days now are packed with trng, clients, schools. trying to find time for housework. its not that i refuse to do housework, u see. u wouldnt understand.
HAHAHA.
ok past my bedtime.
tata.
oh and 6. for the first time in 283105 yrs, im feeling flu-ish. :( ugh.
AISYAH vs MUM. epic battle.
weapons of mass destruction: MOUTH, and whatever that comes out of it.
and like in any war,
there are no winners, only losers.
chey.
OMG.
its been a long time since i quarrelled with my mum.
ok bedek. i quarrel with her like almost every other day when we're both at home.
but today's quarrel-o-meter hit 9/10!
and it had to be the day i came home early.
the irony of life.
you come home early, hoping to bask in the atmosphere evening sunlight,
hoping that your mum will come home from work, giving you a pat on the back and say:
"IM PROUD OF YOU, DAUGHTER. YOU'RE HOME EARLY TODAY."
but all i got was a full 5mins of screamings and naggings which were directed at me from outside my locked bedroom door. but i couldnt (more of didnt want to) hear cuz i was shutting my ears.
yah, truout the 5mins i couldnt hear a thing. i could make out words like "derhaka", "jantan" and what nots. I KNOW RIGHT. i told you it was THAT intense.
i dont mean to be rude but seriously.
living with her for 22 years,
i can safely conclude that she ENJOYS finding flaws in my actions and behaviours.
aiyah, u say,
its a mum thing.
yeah, i guess youre right.
its like their JOB to carik pasal with you.
so my brothers who were hardly at home were at home when the war happened.
one of them got pissed so he made me and mum sit and talk,
after much persuasion that i get out of the room.
one of the issues mum laid out was: rowing.
i dont know how rowing got into the picture but it did! she's not happy that i can wake up at 5am every morning to row but cant do shit for the household. i know right. i mean, okay arguement accepted. i admit i dont do housework, im hardly at home, but you dont put rowing in the picture. its just, wrong.
if only she knew how awesome i am on water.
but she doesnt.
she'll never understand.
(i know, sad right?)
haiya.
she needs to watch 3 idiots.
if you havent watched it yet.
YOURE MISSING OUT ALOT, man.
3 idiots taught me one important lesson in life:
do what you love, not what people tell you to do.
thus,
i refuse to do housework.
OKAY RUDE SEH.
kidding.
i'll do it.
soon.
really.
promise.
hari raya's coming btw.
means i gotta clean the house soon anyway.
boo :(
any latest updatessss.
1. rowing's been awesome. blisters come and go. they say pain makes you stronger. mum has been nagging incessantly abt my busy rowing schedule cuz she derives satisfaction from doing it. im sorry mum but nothing's gonna stop me from doing what i love.
2. my hamstring's being such an ass at the moment. tight here tight there. from all the cycling in perth. conclusion: cycling is just NOT my thing. PUT THAT IN YR HEAD, aisyah.
3. YOG's on its way, round the corner and somebody's gonna kick some rowers ass on water! i've always believed that winning IS everything but in the olympics, its not. being part of it is already THAT awesome (right, nadz?) :)
4. im currently superbly annoyed at the efficiency of MOE/NIE, whichever. maybe both. firstly they said im gonna go nie in the next intake. now they're telling me i'll be sent to school to teach. and i wrote them an email and they've been forwarding to this division and that sector, blah blah, but no replies. SERIOUSLY. i almost gave up on them seh. but to think of it. I WANNA INSPIRE PEOPLE, yo. (thanks fazli)
5. days now are packed with trng, clients, schools. trying to find time for housework. its not that i refuse to do housework, u see. u wouldnt understand.
HAHAHA.
ok past my bedtime.
tata.
oh and 6. for the first time in 283105 yrs, im feeling flu-ish. :( ugh.
Monday, May 31, 2010
omgomgomg.
this is so stressful.
got myself in such trouble.
i feel like slitting my wrist.
i feel so stupid.
i woke up this morning from the vibrations of my phone.
nus smsed me my results for my final yr exam.
omg.
i dont know whether to be sad cuz its friggin bad.
or whether to be happy cuz its my last results from nus, ever.
i feel so so stupid.
signed up as a coach in this particular school.
thinking that i have all the time in the world to make this school win the zonals.
then rowing started, yog's around the corner, nie's gonna start soon.
(YES. NIE)
i dont know if i can commit.
and i just cant bring myself to tell them i cant commit.
papers have been signed. they know my face.
what if they see me alg the streets next time and spit at my face. :(
and i spent like an hr, crying about it.
im such a wreck.
havent been going for silat,
not even to support them.
but bedok is just way. too. far.
but thats just an excuse.
but its true.
ugh.
sometimes i cant stand my own fickleness.
its amazing ive survived 22 yrs living with myself.
the futsal comp's ard the corner.
go futsal can, go silat cannot.
ive learnt things the hard way in life:
you cant make everyone in the world happy.
true that.
im feeling so suicidal.
which path should i choose?
pills? slashing? building?
HAHAHA.
omg, im scaring myself.
blisters on my hands already make me cry.
and so does false alarms twisted ankle during soccer trng.
and im thinking abt killing myself.
i must be kidding.
is this scaring you?
dont worry. im still sane.
i love myself too much to commit suicide.
i'd rather die rowing for the nation then dying over stupid things.
ok STOP IT WITH THIS SUICIDE SHIT.
crazy woman.
and rowing.
training has been pretty tough recently,
and just as intensity has started to pick up,
coach wants to taper it down.
wow.
i wonder how im gonna survive that 2k.
and my blisters. ugh.
i cried in the boat yest bcuz they friggin hurt.
33 and counting.
i watched shrek 4 and cried.
WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
my tear ducts have no control over themselves.
when i row hard,
i feel like dying,
but i know coach wont let me die.
so that makes me row even harder.
i dont know if im as mentally strong as before.
i'll know, soon enough.
sometimes i wish i lead a normal life.
having a normal job.
regular pay.
no fuss, hassle-free.
no training.
no feeling tired after trng.
no competition to train for.
long term goal is to earn money
and build a happy family.
but most of the time,
im thankful i dont lead a normal life.
i think my life is awesome. :)
this is so stressful.
got myself in such trouble.
i feel like slitting my wrist.
i feel so stupid.
i woke up this morning from the vibrations of my phone.
nus smsed me my results for my final yr exam.
omg.
i dont know whether to be sad cuz its friggin bad.
or whether to be happy cuz its my last results from nus, ever.
i feel so so stupid.
signed up as a coach in this particular school.
thinking that i have all the time in the world to make this school win the zonals.
then rowing started, yog's around the corner, nie's gonna start soon.
(YES. NIE)
i dont know if i can commit.
and i just cant bring myself to tell them i cant commit.
papers have been signed. they know my face.
what if they see me alg the streets next time and spit at my face. :(
and i spent like an hr, crying about it.
im such a wreck.
havent been going for silat,
not even to support them.
but bedok is just way. too. far.
but thats just an excuse.
but its true.
ugh.
sometimes i cant stand my own fickleness.
its amazing ive survived 22 yrs living with myself.
the futsal comp's ard the corner.
go futsal can, go silat cannot.
ive learnt things the hard way in life:
you cant make everyone in the world happy.
true that.
im feeling so suicidal.
which path should i choose?
pills? slashing? building?
HAHAHA.
omg, im scaring myself.
blisters on my hands already make me cry.
and so does false alarms twisted ankle during soccer trng.
and im thinking abt killing myself.
i must be kidding.
is this scaring you?
dont worry. im still sane.
i love myself too much to commit suicide.
i'd rather die rowing for the nation then dying over stupid things.
ok STOP IT WITH THIS SUICIDE SHIT.
crazy woman.
and rowing.
training has been pretty tough recently,
and just as intensity has started to pick up,
coach wants to taper it down.
wow.
i wonder how im gonna survive that 2k.
and my blisters. ugh.
i cried in the boat yest bcuz they friggin hurt.
33 and counting.
i watched shrek 4 and cried.
WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
my tear ducts have no control over themselves.
when i row hard,
i feel like dying,
but i know coach wont let me die.
so that makes me row even harder.
i dont know if im as mentally strong as before.
i'll know, soon enough.
sometimes i wish i lead a normal life.
having a normal job.
regular pay.
no fuss, hassle-free.
no training.
no feeling tired after trng.
no competition to train for.
long term goal is to earn money
and build a happy family.
but most of the time,
im thankful i dont lead a normal life.
i think my life is awesome. :)
Monday, May 10, 2010
post exams
the 22 blisters on my hands will always remind me to STOP BEING FRIGGIN FICKLE AND MAKE UP MY MIND WHAT SPORTS I WANT TO DO CUZ IF I DONT WANT TO ROW THEN THERES SRSLY NO PT HAVING THESE THINGS ON MY HANDS WHICH REALLY HURT. :(
1. rowing
2. s******
3. netball
4. silat
5. soccer
or maybe, mom's right. its best that a 22 yr old girl like me sit at home and clean the house.
i hate growing old.
growing old means u have wisdom teeth growing and they hurt :(
growing old means whatever decision you make makes a whole lot of difference to yr life. :(
growing old means you gotta be a grown up. i hate doing grown up things. :(
sulk sulk sulk.
its mid may ALREADY. time flies.
training has been crazy painful with the stamina still hovering at NIL, blisters which never stop appearing making my hands look like a world map, getting TANNED (which is actually smtg ive been looking forward to), waking up at 5am almost every morning, getting these really nice and defined muscles. hahaha the list goes on yo. all in all, I AM BACK ON WATER. but its a sucky feeling knowing that u were once really good at this shit but now u totally suck at it :( i cant wait to back on form. CANT WAIT. but time waits for no man. what more a girl. life sucks. haha. emo ke per. later i pierce my lips and wear eyeliner and black lipstick than you know.
abeh kan i got my heart rate checked recently and it was 80bpm sia. WAHLAO. i used to be 52bpm. :(:(:(
okay what else. my back and shoulders are giving me hell. ARGH SIGNS OF AGING. shut up, aisyah.
silat competition at the end of may.
soccer competition early june.
rowing competition mid june.
im sooo back to being who i was. :) alhamdullilah.
knee's getting muchos better.
one thing i want to so is learn to do is to trust and love again. hmm.
the second is to colour my hair red.
okay kidding, maybe blond.
i dont know.
my bro says i should stop colouring my natural blond hair.
aww he's so sweet aint he?
talking about brothers.
today, i met the RUDEST taxi driver in the whole world. i swear.
so there were 3 guys and me in the cab. so i had to sit at the passengers seat in front. and i had to move back the chair cuz i was carrying whole lot of shit in my bag and my knees were pressing agst the whatever-u-call-tt-board-in-front-of-the-car. then u know what that kurang ajar taxi driver said when i asked my bro sitting right behind me if it was okay if i were to push my chair back? he barged into our convo and said, "her legs not that long lah, she just wants to straighten her legs. u want me to get measuring tape, measure ur legs. not so long also." i was like omg. wtf. rude nak mampos kan. like who gave u the right to say those things to me! omg. muker nak kene sepak, srsly.
it has nothing to do with "talking bout brothers" but i thought i would like to share the story abt kurangajar taxi drivers.
ugh.
anyway, we played soccer today and IT FELT SO GOOD.
okay dah.
im tired. theres a 12 hrs (its 12 hrs i heard!) adventure race tmr where we gotta wear long pants which are like my most fave pair of wadrobe item to wear! loving it.
oh and final exams in nus are over which means that im outta here! :D
1. rowing
2. s******
3. netball
4. silat
5. soccer
or maybe, mom's right. its best that a 22 yr old girl like me sit at home and clean the house.
i hate growing old.
growing old means u have wisdom teeth growing and they hurt :(
growing old means whatever decision you make makes a whole lot of difference to yr life. :(
growing old means you gotta be a grown up. i hate doing grown up things. :(
sulk sulk sulk.
its mid may ALREADY. time flies.
training has been crazy painful with the stamina still hovering at NIL, blisters which never stop appearing making my hands look like a world map, getting TANNED (which is actually smtg ive been looking forward to), waking up at 5am almost every morning, getting these really nice and defined muscles. hahaha the list goes on yo. all in all, I AM BACK ON WATER. but its a sucky feeling knowing that u were once really good at this shit but now u totally suck at it :( i cant wait to back on form. CANT WAIT. but time waits for no man. what more a girl. life sucks. haha. emo ke per. later i pierce my lips and wear eyeliner and black lipstick than you know.
abeh kan i got my heart rate checked recently and it was 80bpm sia. WAHLAO. i used to be 52bpm. :(:(:(
okay what else. my back and shoulders are giving me hell. ARGH SIGNS OF AGING. shut up, aisyah.
silat competition at the end of may.
soccer competition early june.
rowing competition mid june.
im sooo back to being who i was. :) alhamdullilah.
knee's getting muchos better.
one thing i want to so is learn to do is to trust and love again. hmm.
the second is to colour my hair red.
okay kidding, maybe blond.
i dont know.
my bro says i should stop colouring my natural blond hair.
aww he's so sweet aint he?
talking about brothers.
today, i met the RUDEST taxi driver in the whole world. i swear.
so there were 3 guys and me in the cab. so i had to sit at the passengers seat in front. and i had to move back the chair cuz i was carrying whole lot of shit in my bag and my knees were pressing agst the whatever-u-call-tt-board-in-front-of-the-car. then u know what that kurang ajar taxi driver said when i asked my bro sitting right behind me if it was okay if i were to push my chair back? he barged into our convo and said, "her legs not that long lah, she just wants to straighten her legs. u want me to get measuring tape, measure ur legs. not so long also." i was like omg. wtf. rude nak mampos kan. like who gave u the right to say those things to me! omg. muker nak kene sepak, srsly.
it has nothing to do with "talking bout brothers" but i thought i would like to share the story abt kurangajar taxi drivers.
ugh.
anyway, we played soccer today and IT FELT SO GOOD.
okay dah.
im tired. theres a 12 hrs (its 12 hrs i heard!) adventure race tmr where we gotta wear long pants which are like my most fave pair of wadrobe item to wear! loving it.
oh and final exams in nus are over which means that im outta here! :D
Thursday, March 04, 2010
life is ironic.
just a few minutes ago, someone told me this:
"u have this ability to piss pple off without u knowing.
and it's not just me saying that.
so something is really wrong somewhere.
if i could pin point it out to you i would.
but i cant
so may God help u find that out yea?
:)"
and it makes you wonder what is the purpose of someone telling you things like that. is it supposed to be beneficial to me? is it meant to cause hurt? so who now has the ability to piss ppl off unconsciously? me, or you?
just a few minutes ago, someone told me this:
"u have this ability to piss pple off without u knowing.
and it's not just me saying that.
so something is really wrong somewhere.
if i could pin point it out to you i would.
but i cant
so may God help u find that out yea?
:)"
and it makes you wonder what is the purpose of someone telling you things like that. is it supposed to be beneficial to me? is it meant to cause hurt? so who now has the ability to piss ppl off unconsciously? me, or you?
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
today, positive psychology class felt more like a marriage class. we learnt about the dos and donts of relationships and marriages. we learnt how to communicate well with our spouses, how to establish a relationship that lasts, and how to be a good partner. and i was thinking, thinking, thinking. according to these theories, i SUCK as a gf. i wont go into details how much i fall into the YOU SUCK AS A GF category cuz its really saddening when i thought i was doing my best to be a good gf. its either not enuf or not good enuf. all i know is that theres lots to improve on. maybe, things really happen for a reason. lets just keep it that way. may Allah show us the right path. insyaAllah. :)
i dont know what kind of heart God gave you. you were nice to me when you wanted me, when u wanted me to stay, to wait for you. now that you dont, you talk to me like as though i never mattered. you tell me you've been busy, you're stressed, you've got all these sorts of problems but that doesnt mean that you deserve all the right to talk to me that way. youre not the only stressed person here. everyone has their own shitpile of work. its how you take matters into hand. its the same shit i hear year by year. ive been trying my best here not to hate you because its not in my nature to hate. and i deserve all the rights in the world to hate you because of the things you did to me. but i dont hate you. to me, it is an inevitable fact that u were once mine, i dont have the heart to treat you like sampah. but thats how i feel right now. i dont understand why you have to treat me like that. if i had a heart like yours, the world would already have known what you did and do you think you'll have the comfort of your home still? if i had a heart like yours, i'd rather die than living with such a black black heart. and by me mentioning this, you'll say im spiting you and in ur exact words "im used to it already. everytime i talk to you i get spited." i see. everytime huh. im setan what. everytime i spite you.
its not like i want you back. especially now that i know what kind of person you really are. i never wanted you back since i knew that i spent two yrs being hopeful for a guy who wouldnt stand up for me. i wont ever want to be with a guy who treats his ex like some i dont know- disease? i dont even know why i bother talking to you sometimes. i realised life's way better without you. i dont cry at night anymore. i dont have to wonder what you're up to. i dont have to be apprehensive about trusting u anymore. maybe because its the friendship i want to salvage. but if even talking to you as a friend got rude responses from you. then i might as well not. dont wanna go on hurting myself.
i wish good luck to whoever you meet next.
may she not be hurt by you,
and your black heart.
ustaz said its never too late to cleanse yr heart.
i never did say i had a pure, clean heart.
but what i do know is that i never treat my exes like shit.
i respect them for who they are or once were.
and i treat them like friends.
not like some bangkai you'd rather piss on.
its not like i want you back. especially now that i know what kind of person you really are. i never wanted you back since i knew that i spent two yrs being hopeful for a guy who wouldnt stand up for me. i wont ever want to be with a guy who treats his ex like some i dont know- disease? i dont even know why i bother talking to you sometimes. i realised life's way better without you. i dont cry at night anymore. i dont have to wonder what you're up to. i dont have to be apprehensive about trusting u anymore. maybe because its the friendship i want to salvage. but if even talking to you as a friend got rude responses from you. then i might as well not. dont wanna go on hurting myself.
i wish good luck to whoever you meet next.
may she not be hurt by you,
and your black heart.
ustaz said its never too late to cleanse yr heart.
i never did say i had a pure, clean heart.
but what i do know is that i never treat my exes like shit.
i respect them for who they are or once were.
and i treat them like friends.
not like some bangkai you'd rather piss on.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
gaah. first week of school is over.
1. school is being nice now. not much work, yet. readings have been as usual, crazy. it is confirmed that i am the only yr 3 in my lvl 4 class. and it is true that theres an essay every week. i have been studying during my free periods alone. (i know right). and i was actually paying attn in einstein's class- something on relativity. i dont understand shit but i remember not falling asleep. to me, its an achievement. it doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you dont stop, remember? right.
2. ive been running with syahir around woodlands. i still havent gotten used to it, yet. back to square one. i wonder if i can ever do an 11mins 2.4km again or run for 10k without feeling pain or feeling like shit. syahir said i was slow. that idiot, but i'll sure be sad when he leaves for ns. running buddy, anyone?
3. everyone's gonna leave. i hate everyone who's leaving or who has left or who's supposed to graduate with me but is not going to and now i have to find ppl to throw my graduation hats with :(
ugh.
4. i sparred during silat trng for the first time since my fall last yr. its been a yr already, time really flies, MasyaAllah. fighting was addictive. but the aftermath was awful. my ankle's swollen, my arm and finger are badly bruised. when i showed my mum, she gave the funniest comments: "WHY UNTIL LIKE THAT? KAN SAKIT." then she pressed her finger on the bruise. "Im going to talk to your coach".
5. went for alia's halal party last night at aloha loyang. takder lagi jauh, i know. the tjunx had a gathering, it was fun. a bit, umm, odd. other than we feeling very underdressed and left out, i had to pretend it was OKAY when i had to see his face. but other than that. "good job" to us we put a smile on fairuz's face. we saw birdman. alia had a time of her life turning a yr older. and yeah, i took 2 hours to reach home. i dont want to talk about that.
6. sometimes, coaching netball to kids make you want to scream your head off, but most of the time, no matter how annoying they are, they definitely do make me smile. :)
7. brooding period's definitely over but theres still some hurt and pain here and there. like they say, time will heal, and im just waiting to be fully recovered. but meanwhile, i think i should get up on my ass and start moving on. MOVING ON is a bitch, but i dont wanna be a loser, going after a guy who wont even stand up for me. sometimes u wonder whether they really did love u as much as you thought they did. but sometimes, the best thing to do is just not to think about it. like when you initiate a convo with ur ex and he's being very curt and hostile and cold (and he tells you that its for the better and you stupidly nod in agreement), might as well not bother initiating the convo in the first place and get spared from getting hurt, right?
oh well.
cheers, to a better week ahead, insyaAllah.
1. school is being nice now. not much work, yet. readings have been as usual, crazy. it is confirmed that i am the only yr 3 in my lvl 4 class. and it is true that theres an essay every week. i have been studying during my free periods alone. (i know right). and i was actually paying attn in einstein's class- something on relativity. i dont understand shit but i remember not falling asleep. to me, its an achievement. it doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you dont stop, remember? right.
2. ive been running with syahir around woodlands. i still havent gotten used to it, yet. back to square one. i wonder if i can ever do an 11mins 2.4km again or run for 10k without feeling pain or feeling like shit. syahir said i was slow. that idiot, but i'll sure be sad when he leaves for ns. running buddy, anyone?
3. everyone's gonna leave. i hate everyone who's leaving or who has left or who's supposed to graduate with me but is not going to and now i have to find ppl to throw my graduation hats with :(
ugh.
4. i sparred during silat trng for the first time since my fall last yr. its been a yr already, time really flies, MasyaAllah. fighting was addictive. but the aftermath was awful. my ankle's swollen, my arm and finger are badly bruised. when i showed my mum, she gave the funniest comments: "WHY UNTIL LIKE THAT? KAN SAKIT." then she pressed her finger on the bruise. "Im going to talk to your coach".
5. went for alia's halal party last night at aloha loyang. takder lagi jauh, i know. the tjunx had a gathering, it was fun. a bit, umm, odd. other than we feeling very underdressed and left out, i had to pretend it was OKAY when i had to see his face. but other than that. "good job" to us we put a smile on fairuz's face. we saw birdman. alia had a time of her life turning a yr older. and yeah, i took 2 hours to reach home. i dont want to talk about that.
6. sometimes, coaching netball to kids make you want to scream your head off, but most of the time, no matter how annoying they are, they definitely do make me smile. :)
7. brooding period's definitely over but theres still some hurt and pain here and there. like they say, time will heal, and im just waiting to be fully recovered. but meanwhile, i think i should get up on my ass and start moving on. MOVING ON is a bitch, but i dont wanna be a loser, going after a guy who wont even stand up for me. sometimes u wonder whether they really did love u as much as you thought they did. but sometimes, the best thing to do is just not to think about it. like when you initiate a convo with ur ex and he's being very curt and hostile and cold (and he tells you that its for the better and you stupidly nod in agreement), might as well not bother initiating the convo in the first place and get spared from getting hurt, right?
oh well.
cheers, to a better week ahead, insyaAllah.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
hey
its only the third day of school and my energy level's hovering at zilch.
my last sem- did my last module bidding, filed for graduation, converted my module and lets just hope everything goes well enuf, I'll be graduating in 4 months. InsyaAllah. I cant wait, cant u tell?
yay?
i know. im still in this stupid annoying mood.
and i dont even know what im feeling anymore- tired? angry? sad? depressed? bodoh?
ugh.
okay monday first day of school went pretty okay. 8am class. yeah, tell me abt it. after that i had a looong break (i refused to count how long it was until yatay was like "Aisyah you have a 6hr break?" and i was like "omg. 6 hourssss!") yup. so i went for hot yoga alone, went back to school, ate lunch with yatay, talk talk talk and we realised that we're gd at giving each other advices but when it comes to our own problems, we're hopeless i tell you. went to next class alone (some einstein weirdness shit which almost made me fall asleep.) that was 4-5ish then i went home and went to run with syahir for like 50mins, covered like 7.15km. which was really rejuvenating, Alhamdullilah. and that was my monday.
on tuesday i had class from 12pm-9pm. with a 2 hr break in between, thats when i visited the dean's office to file for my graduation and thats where i met the rude receptionist but i was too tired to like fluster over such a person not worth my energy so i let her be rude, took a seat, and waited, just to submit 2 pieces of paper and leave. i think im seriously not an afternoon person. falling asleep in drugs and society class (just cuz i was alone) but was wide awake during adol psych (maybe cuz amir was sitting next to me and we were in 2nd row). finally got friend in class. yeah. am i that pathetic? ugh.
anyway 6-9pm seminar, lvl 4 mod- positive psychology. which was pretty scary at first cuz i was the only yr 3 amidst the honours students and even yr 5s! i know right. but i made a friend cuz we had to introduce to each other, but she was pretty nice. and class wasnt so bad. but the lecturer was pointing out to us the workload which includes an essay a week for 10 weeks. haha. oh well. its not everyday u get to take a lvl4 psych mod when ure in yr3 u know? yelah.
and today i woke up at 5am in the morning, left home at 6am, took 168 at 6:15am, reached tampines at 7am, reached yumin priamry at 7:15am. on time okay. im proud of myself. netball coaching went good. i think i was born to do this shit. haha. then i went for rehab where i told steve not to torture me cuz i want to walk for the next few days cuz last week he made me do 300 leg presses and dontknowhowmany walking lunges and i swear even sitting was torture for a week. i told steve abt my suffering and he said "thats what i call a good trng". okaylah, as long as u are hepi.
and one of the trainer asked me just now, "so have you thought abt which sport you want to join?" sigh.
no.
OMG, i actually recalled every single thing in my life, whats wrong with me. everything. i used to tell every single thing to him, but now he's gone so can you please shut up and move on, thank you. :(
i have to agree with everyone, i suck at moving on. im an emotional wreck, a loser, stubborn ass. ugh. aper ni maki hamun diri sendiri. haha. now im schizo. and i realised i have absolutely no account of how i got over my other exes. so i dont know how i used to do it, but right now, i tell you, its painful-to let go. like a big piece of hard shit thats stuck in ur rectum and it hurts like hell to let it go- yah, like that.
but today i went to ljs to buy lunch which i ate at home alone. (am i using too much "alone"?) and when i got home i got free potato-skin chips some mat working in the ljs kitchen must have put in for me, or some girl (who likes girls) could have done it, i wont be surprised. or maybe they accidently put it in, but whatever it is it made my day-a little, i think.
and in a bit, im gonna leave for another netball session until like 6 plus and after that to pandan where there'll be a rowing meeting. uhhuh, my day's not even half done and im so tired, i was sleeping like a log in the train just now. :(
and i seriously have to get out of this mood before i die. they say time will heal but time is moving so friggin slow when it comes to this. sigh.
sometimes i wonder whats he doing, how his day has been going, what work he has to do, whether he misses me or not. and there's nothing else to look forward to at the end of my days, other than doing work at home. GAAAAAH.
okay, i shall stop i shall stop i shall stop.
but how long more do i have to pretend that everything is okay,
when its not?
i just want to get over this, please God, please help me. :(
dah, bye.
its only the third day of school and my energy level's hovering at zilch.
my last sem- did my last module bidding, filed for graduation, converted my module and lets just hope everything goes well enuf, I'll be graduating in 4 months. InsyaAllah. I cant wait, cant u tell?
yay?
i know. im still in this stupid annoying mood.
and i dont even know what im feeling anymore- tired? angry? sad? depressed? bodoh?
ugh.
okay monday first day of school went pretty okay. 8am class. yeah, tell me abt it. after that i had a looong break (i refused to count how long it was until yatay was like "Aisyah you have a 6hr break?" and i was like "omg. 6 hourssss!") yup. so i went for hot yoga alone, went back to school, ate lunch with yatay, talk talk talk and we realised that we're gd at giving each other advices but when it comes to our own problems, we're hopeless i tell you. went to next class alone (some einstein weirdness shit which almost made me fall asleep.) that was 4-5ish then i went home and went to run with syahir for like 50mins, covered like 7.15km. which was really rejuvenating, Alhamdullilah. and that was my monday.
on tuesday i had class from 12pm-9pm. with a 2 hr break in between, thats when i visited the dean's office to file for my graduation and thats where i met the rude receptionist but i was too tired to like fluster over such a person not worth my energy so i let her be rude, took a seat, and waited, just to submit 2 pieces of paper and leave. i think im seriously not an afternoon person. falling asleep in drugs and society class (just cuz i was alone) but was wide awake during adol psych (maybe cuz amir was sitting next to me and we were in 2nd row). finally got friend in class. yeah. am i that pathetic? ugh.
anyway 6-9pm seminar, lvl 4 mod- positive psychology. which was pretty scary at first cuz i was the only yr 3 amidst the honours students and even yr 5s! i know right. but i made a friend cuz we had to introduce to each other, but she was pretty nice. and class wasnt so bad. but the lecturer was pointing out to us the workload which includes an essay a week for 10 weeks. haha. oh well. its not everyday u get to take a lvl4 psych mod when ure in yr3 u know? yelah.
and today i woke up at 5am in the morning, left home at 6am, took 168 at 6:15am, reached tampines at 7am, reached yumin priamry at 7:15am. on time okay. im proud of myself. netball coaching went good. i think i was born to do this shit. haha. then i went for rehab where i told steve not to torture me cuz i want to walk for the next few days cuz last week he made me do 300 leg presses and dontknowhowmany walking lunges and i swear even sitting was torture for a week. i told steve abt my suffering and he said "thats what i call a good trng". okaylah, as long as u are hepi.
and one of the trainer asked me just now, "so have you thought abt which sport you want to join?" sigh.
no.
OMG, i actually recalled every single thing in my life, whats wrong with me. everything. i used to tell every single thing to him, but now he's gone so can you please shut up and move on, thank you. :(
i have to agree with everyone, i suck at moving on. im an emotional wreck, a loser, stubborn ass. ugh. aper ni maki hamun diri sendiri. haha. now im schizo. and i realised i have absolutely no account of how i got over my other exes. so i dont know how i used to do it, but right now, i tell you, its painful-to let go. like a big piece of hard shit thats stuck in ur rectum and it hurts like hell to let it go- yah, like that.
but today i went to ljs to buy lunch which i ate at home alone. (am i using too much "alone"?) and when i got home i got free potato-skin chips some mat working in the ljs kitchen must have put in for me, or some girl (who likes girls) could have done it, i wont be surprised. or maybe they accidently put it in, but whatever it is it made my day-a little, i think.
and in a bit, im gonna leave for another netball session until like 6 plus and after that to pandan where there'll be a rowing meeting. uhhuh, my day's not even half done and im so tired, i was sleeping like a log in the train just now. :(
and i seriously have to get out of this mood before i die. they say time will heal but time is moving so friggin slow when it comes to this. sigh.
sometimes i wonder whats he doing, how his day has been going, what work he has to do, whether he misses me or not. and there's nothing else to look forward to at the end of my days, other than doing work at home. GAAAAAH.
okay, i shall stop i shall stop i shall stop.
but how long more do i have to pretend that everything is okay,
when its not?
i just want to get over this, please God, please help me. :(
dah, bye.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
when I thought that I was strong,
but you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me...
And all over me.
I live here on my knees as I
try to make you see that you're everything
I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though
I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know
is that you're keeping me down.
-Sara Bareilles
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
when I thought that I was strong,
but you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me...
And all over me.
I live here on my knees as I
try to make you see that you're everything
I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though
I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know
is that you're keeping me down.
-Sara Bareilles
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Rocky said to his son:
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That´s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you worth, go out and get what you worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying: You ain´t what you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain´t you! You´re better than that!"
Im never a fan of boxing or Rocky, but that's one hell of a quote. ;)
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That´s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you worth, go out and get what you worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying: You ain´t what you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain´t you! You´re better than that!"
Im never a fan of boxing or Rocky, but that's one hell of a quote. ;)
Friday, January 01, 2010
new yr resolution
and in 2010,
i cant wait to get so lost in God,
cuz they say "women should be so lost in God that men have to seek Him in order to find her", deep. :)
i cant wait to get so lost in God,
cuz they say "women should be so lost in God that men have to seek Him in order to find her", deep. :)
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