New things you learn everyday.

Today I learnt that no matter how many friends you have, or how many siblings you live with or how many pair of parents raise me up, sometimes you have to learn to live alone. Not everyone will be there for you. Not everyone will have time for you. The doctors can help you, your friends can send you words of encouragement, your parents can advice you, but in the end, to wake up at 630am and to leave your house at 730am only to painstakingly walk to your desired destination in 2hours when usually it'll take you an hr and 15mins, only you are able to do that, noone else. So if you wake up feeling awful, wishing you could get back to sleep, feeling hungry and tired, be grateful you don't have to limp around, be thankful you can go to school or work with ease, no matter how long it takes you. Be grateful for all you have because you'll never know what might happen to you and when.

new year, new you (p2)

i didnt expect to have a part 2 but as i was drawing up my new timetable to divide my time properly, i remembed another major problem i have:

Major Problem 4.
Clients.
I cant let go of my clients. I am indebted to them to help them achieve their fitness goals. I enjoy trng them :(

And I have another major problem that irks me so bad right now. In rowing, there are some people who just say as they like. Some people who think that we get things easy.

#01: we whine and complain but when it comes to games day, no matter how sick we were and irresponsible as some might say, which is definitely a lesson to learn, we won a medal.
i won two.
AND OMG IF THERE WAS A COUNTER WHICH SHOWED US HOW MANY TIMES WE COMPLAINED AND HOW MANY TIMES SOME PEOPLE COMPLAINED WE WILL DEFINITELY LOSE HANDS DOWN.
gawd.

#02: we are not spoon fed, my goodness. spoonfeeding is a word some people use in excess and totally out of context. spoonfeeding means to overindulge or spoil. hmmm. let me think. which part of making us train at 7am every morning and most of the time having 2 trngs a day and the fact that we didnt miss a single training last year anywhere closer to being spoonfed? maybe having a mean of transportation to training and out of there is a luxury but that is simply because some people refuse to be friends with us therefore does not usually get the opportunity to hitch a ride with us! furthermore, anyone can sleepover at the trng cntr so one doesnt have to travel early in the morning to train.

#03: some people are not able to row right now because its their choice. as much as i dont think its a luxury to be able to join a club so that i can row, im grateful my ego is not that big and the owner of the club is pretty much okay with me rowing in his club. sometimes, somethings gotta give. its not our fault some people dont get to row with us! who told them to be so...(i cant find the perfect word to put here) awful is a too kind word.

#04: all that i know now is that im going to the qualifiers (insyaallah), i get to row, i get to gym at SSC, and some people are not!

enough said.

new year, new you.

That phrase reminds me of a project I intended to start last January which made me sign up as a trainer at the People's Association so I can hold sports and wellness classes at community centres. So much for talking but no action. Well, I did became a PA trainer, but I havent conducted any classes. :(

This year, I want to make sure I do one thing I havent got the chance to do last year. TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. Im tired of sitting around, complaining, and having plans to do this and that and everything else but in the end nothing comes out of it. cheap talk. im tired of all that shit. so if theres one more thing i would like to add to my new year resolution, that is to get things done.

I must be awesome at my job.
Yes. My job! Work hasnt been hectic, YET. I know its gonna pick up speed like madness because I see my colleagues do their stuff and im like WHOA, im gonna die.
my job entails of being advisors to sports clubs, conducting sports and wellness classes, sitting at my desk settling paper work (AND CRAZY LOADS OF IT) and more. but the fun part is the sporty culture that my dept adopts whereby they would play sports together every fortnight. last week we played captains ball and it was crazy competitive but fun.
I wanna be awesome at my job. I wanna make a difference to people's lives, the school, the kids. But I have a major problem that is worrying the shit out of me right now.
To think about it its not a major problem, its SOME major problems.

Major Problems:

1. Rowing.
My trainings have been infrequent these days. I feel weak and slow on the boat. We still have to use the club boats which suck. I miss feeling light and strong and fast when Im rowing but my performance level has definitely dropped to ZERO after the SEA Games. This year, the association's gonna send me for the Asian Olympic Qualifiers which is definitely a huge thing! to qualify I have to be top 6 in Asia which isnt within my reach at the moment. i have to be honest with myself. i havent been trng intensively, my knee and ankle have been causing me so much pain. im not at my peak. but i have to remind myself, this year is the year i MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. i am gonna do whatever it takes to be at my best for the qualifiers. even if it means having to train at 430am.
Actually, i wanted to ease off training a little this year because i wanted to really focus on my job and do really well in it. but when i dont row, i feel that my life isnt fulfilled. i feel something amiss. so, here i am, declaring that i will never ever give up rowing for anything. if possible, i will be awesome at both rowing and my job. i will work something out somehow. impossible is nothing, right?
Thankfully, my boss is understanding. He's an athlete too. We'll see how things go from here. Insyaallah it will all go fine. :)

2. Sailing
If you dont know yet, I have been sailing with the national team. Okay it might only be 2 trainings but my goodness that sport is tough shit. Not as tough as rowing but it requires a totally different set of skills. My partner spotted me at SSC when I was gymming and she needed a partner to train with for the 2016 Olympics. my goal. On the first day of sailing, I fell into the water and hit my hip on the boat while it was going at full speed. I have a huge bruise which still hasnt faded away completely. And it has already been a month. Second training, I got better. But theres so many bruises on my shins. Sailing was fun and I think the chances of me getting into Olympics through sailing is better than rowing but NSC is bloody far, my God. and they train in the afternoons when the winds are the strongest. Which is definitely not a rower's life because by afternoon, we would be done wiht training and its our rest period.
So its definitely a totally different sport and I want to go all out for it to be really good in it. That why, its Major Problem #02.
What if it comes to a point where I have to choose between rowing and sailing?
I'll just die.

3. Bloco
It has always been in my TO-DO list: to learn a new instrument. And my chance is here. Nadz's sister has asked me if I wanted to play with Bloco and I really want but their trainings are FAR and at night, which is usually either my training period or mush needed rest period. but i really dont wanna miss this chance to learn, for free. and Bloco's really awesome.
sigh.

there's too much going on is there?
somethings gonna change.
it must be rearranged, oh.

hahaha!

okay, on a serious note. theres too little time in a day to fulfill all my dreams and desires. and i cant be awesome at everything. or can i? ;0

ridiculous. sigh. this is hard. i wish they'd just pay me to row. then i dont have to worry about anything at all. :(

The Erg.

Did my 2k ergo time trial today and died. I swear the ergo sucks the life out of you. I finished the test feeling like a helpless shark whos fin has been cut off and then Im dumped back into the water to sink to the bottom of the sea. Here's the thing. I know I could meet the timing. I am strong and powerful enough to hit the target. But today just wasnt the day. Yes blame the day. Blame the ankle which tightened up chokin my whole foot. Blame the knee which throbbed in pain when i exert so much force on it. Blame the bruise on my bum which I got from sailing. Yes, sailing. Blame my heart for not pumping fast enough to transport sufficient blood to my legs and arms. Blame my mind for being so weak I might as well not sit for the erg and stay at home. seriously. it was a failure from all angles, right from the start. I wasnt prepared. I didnt go through my head what I wanted to do. I wasnt at my best form. I went sailing on thursday, ran on friday. erg on sat. not good. There you go. I cried like a dork after I completed my first trial. First, you say? yes. Because I thought I would be able to pull better, harder, stronger on a second attempt. And noone in the right mind would sit for 2 2k ergs in a day. But I did. because i thought i could. but obviously, without much rest, without any preparation, i couldnt. the timing was so horrendous it doesnt deserve to be posted here. BOTH TIMINGS. oh God please have mercy on me.
ruined. my. saturday.
thats what ergs do.
thats what losers would say.
yeah, im a loser.
for today.

felt like even more of a total loser when i told my sailing friend i couldnt sail because i was on the verge of sweating out lethargy. i was like a dead fish. made my bf angry for something he totally didnt do. stomped home alone, (more like dragged my feet home) only to be greeted by noone at home. slept like a pig. feeling like shit because i hate afternoon naps they make me feel like ive wasted my day and oh man the grogginess. oh erg, you really did killed me.

yes so whats up with this sailing thing?

been wanting to try out sailing for a few months now but only started to get on the boat on thursday. which turned out to be pretty exciting. i was actually on a 470. and sailing it. and doing the trapeze thing which looked like this:

yeah, my body was actually parallel to the water. and the sea water splashing on my face like its the most fun thing to be happening. really, exhilirating. and damn tiring. im so weak. omg. whats up with my fitness? and hello? qualifications in april. are u kidding me? time to pull up my socks, man. this is bad. what happened to the new year resolution of being at my fittest ever. gaah, im such a loser.

and yes, stop calling yourself that before it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

im so sad and tired. and i start work on monday. im excited, but but but (i know, WHY IS THERE A BUT!) looking at how my trainings (both rowing and sailing) would be affected because i'll be working full-time, im not really that excited. BUT yes, lets put training aside for a bit. maybe a week or two. focus on my work, and slowly start fitting trainings into my schedule. hows that? i mean, i cant live my life just complaining and not think of ways how to make things easier right? i think.

there you go. im all better now. despite the swollen eyes from my 100 yrs of crying after the erg testSSSS and dead tired body, i have to pick myself back up again. ergos can ruin my day, but hell no can they ruin my life.

and for that i would like to extent my utmost appreciation to my bf, nadzrie hyckell, for sitting down with my after my erg test telling me to stop crying, get a hold of myself and pick myself back up although at that point of time i was wailing like an ass and being so stubborn i didnt want to lift my ass off the ground for like what seemed like hours. so thank you, sayang, for being so patient with my nonsense.

so this year will be a whole lot of WORK (yes, it comes first), rowing and sailing (both with equal priorities) i dont know how im gonna achieve that but nothing is impossible, right?

right.

this entry is full of bull, shit and nonsense. bye.

One thing I've learnt today:

When he's always on your mind but you're not on his.

Resolution #06: learn to not depend on others.

Resolutions- part two.

Getting my medical check up done so I can start work. After this I gotta wait for the results to be sent to the school where they have to confirm that I'm healthy enough to work. Then I can start work. I'm excited about work I thought I was gonna start on the 3rd but the made me go for a medical checkup. I thought I would clear by the 9th but nope. Wait another week, trying to find ways to earn to support myself till money flows in my bank. Oh well. Be thankful I have a job. Be thankful.

See my new year resolutions are doing pretty well! For now :/

Resolution #04: to be at my fittest. Ever.
A) Did my 2k erg test last week, almost died and didn't complete it. What a loser sia. Complained of my ankle hurting. In actual fact i was just weak. Weakling. Graaar. I need to get below 7:25mins which means I have to maintain at 1:50-1:51 splits. 14 January. May God grant me with all the power and endurance on that day when I sit for the test.
B) I want to start running again. And do it fast. I miss being able to complete a 2.4km in 11mins3secs. My aim this year is to complete it in 10:55mins. And to complete a 10k race in 45mins.
C) I want that 6 pacs hot bod. This time- for real. And I'm gonna make it happen.

#05: I'll take up a religious class. And attend all the classes. Insyaallah. 

That's it I guess. I have more under my sleeve but I don't want to sound very cliche and corny and lame so I'll just stick to 5 reasonable and achievable ones for now.

Oh and recently, my knee's starting to swell up to say hello. Great. And the waters during our evening trainings have been madness I'd rather sail or windsurf then to be bogged up and down by the crazy waves. Every training I'll either end up mad at myself or pissed at the others (incld the water). Most of the time, both. That's why Nadzrie once said, duing training, he's single. How rude kan!

But I still love him, whether or not he's 4 or 5 years younger than me. I still love him, where he's a pilot or a rower or an engineer. I still love him as long as he loves me back the same. :)

Too cheesy.

Bye.