Monday, July 06, 2009
whats there to hide?i was a cheater.
i was a liar.
its not that im proud of it.
im brutally honest,
that u must know.
ive had a bad past.
ive learnt to change.
i had been cheated on.
i had been lied to.
my life wasnt perfect.
my life isnt perfect.
i was an athlete.
i dream to be one again.
im nothing without sports,
u know that.
u just wont tell it to my face.
im tired of people being nice and lying to me.
ive been very, very patient with my injury.
the fever and deadly coughs are not making my life any better.
its gonna pass soon, i know.
its gonna take long, that i know too.
God is testing my patience.
Im grateful i have some to spare.
I would have died if i had given up hopes.
Im weak.
I dont trust anymore.
I dont think i'll fall in love anytime soon.
But i will learn to love again,
one day,
InsyaAllah.
My heart has gone through the toughest shit,
the most painful crap.
I dont want it to get beaten up
and shattered again.
letting go was the hardest thing i had to go thru,
apart from the stupid acl surgery.
first it was bcuz our religions disagree with one another,
then our mums dont approve of us.
whats next?
i cant wait.
i have dreams to achieve,
which i dont know if its even possible for me to achieve.
but they say,
if u dont believe in urself, who will?
he wasnt willing to go tru my dreams with me,
aim for something more rational, he says.
and, i was willing to wait for him, even if he took a decade.
noone doubts aisyah.
aisyah will prove them wrong.
im only 21.
or is it, im already 21?
i plan to travel the world,
change the world, if i can.
but its already so hard for me to change a person,
and i dream of changing the world.
who am i kidding.
maybe,
its just not meant to be.
it took me months to forget him.
yea, months.
thats how long ive been waiting to resume my life, too.
if it wasnt for faith, i would have gone mad.
Ive went through pain, not any 21 yr old would have gone through.
and now i've become stronger,
I hope.
now u know me.
what makes u think u can handle me?
enough said. 11:08 PM
Friday, July 03, 2009
im tired of you lying to me. can u PLEASE go lie to someone else, seriously.ure a waste of time and space and effort. ure a waste of my life.
u cant keep to your words, even if it was for your own good. i mean seriously how hard is it to NOT SMOKE since uve not been smoking when we were together. and all i wanted for you to do is to friggin quit, for me at least. but NO. i guess whatever i said didnt friggin matter to you. then i wonder why i still bloody listen to what crap comes out from your filthy mouth. and u still dare doubt my abilities to reach my goal. and u put the blame on me making me the bad guy when all along it was you who had issues.
seriously boy, wake up your idea.
GROW UP.
im not lying abt the karma part.
it does happen whether u want it or not.
just becareful how life gives u back things u did to others.
been there done that.
dont say i dint warn you.
there you go, a waste of space even to mention about you.
im not even sorry im being crude.
---
AYG's over for me.
AYG makes me want to row again.
thats when it struck me like how an apple fell on Newton's head.
what the fish am i doing? im still 21. i was born an athlete. what am i doing here brooding abt a stupid leg injury and not doing anything abt it.
then the setan in my head will say, but what sport would want you? ure weak. ure so weak! who would want an acl tear patient for their sport?
AYG makes me feel young again.
at least 3 people thought im 19. i told them, lets keep it that way.
AYG athletes are hawt but looking at them and thinking "omg omg so hot so hot" makes me sound like a pedo! SO WRONG.
if you were to ask me whether i'd rather suffer my ass to organize something huge like AYG or to suffer my ass off to train for a big competition, i'd choose the latter. and ive made up my mind about that.
i should sleep the pain away.
yeah, sleep your existence away.
enough said. 1:12 AM
Saturday, June 27, 2009
i think that some things are better left not known.if im a kucing, my curiosity would have already killed me.
theres a rowing competition going on in singapore and its just amazing to know that they have conveniently brushed me aside like a fleck of dust on their filthy sleeve. i dont know whether to be sad that they dint inform me or happy that they have decided not to trespass my boundaries. but i do know that my heart aches knowing that i was once a rower and this is happening to me. why are they doing this to me? what have i done to deserve such treatment? and all i wanted was to help them, and spread my love for the sport.
next time i shouldnt have bothered and be selfish.
next time i shouldnt be too bloody nice.
learn, aisyah, LEARN.
ive been really sucky lately. ive not been going for physio bcuz work has been crazy. at least the ppl at yog appreciate my hard work and effort. even thought they pay me kacang. i enjoy doing what im doing. no one barking up my ass, noone making me cry everytime theres a meeting, noone to humiliate me, insult me, hurt me. noone to called me a "waste of time" or "useless".
ill always remember what haireez said to me, whenever possible, never work with your own people.
he's absolutely right.
enough said. 7:56 PM
im tired.
AYG's starting and theres soo much to do and i stayed in the office till 930 last night and i gave 1,000,0001 excuses why i shouldnt go for the fitnessbootcamp at ecp at 8am this morning for the tryout even after mum offered to send me to ecp i dont know why i said im not working and went back to sleep then i trained my client and went to gym and had to finish off some last minute ayg stuff which i have not finished and im sitting here now facebooking and blogging but not doing any work im at home on a sat aftnn and you went to a flea market and u said sorry cuz u dint ask me along but its ok cuz i was supposed to be doing work or going to van's birthday party which i couldnt go cuz i was supposed to work yes on a saturday but im not doing any work and omg im bored and im going crazy and i wanna go out im supposed to go for amaria's party too but theres so much work to do whats wrong with you, aisyah go do some work and not waste time feeling bored and stupid cuz u have work to do and go bloody do them and theres work tmr morning zomg zomg zomg but i love my job but im complaining abt it and its giving me so much stress and i miss my friends i wanna see them now but ecp is just friggin far and im such a lazy ass but i wanna go but i cant decide and im angry and sad and you had to make it worse i wish this feeling will just go away and i dont know what to tell the fitnessbootcamp guy cuz he was looking forward to see me on sat but if i were to go i would have to join in but i cant run/jump whatever ahhh excuses omg i wish TIME WOULD JUST FRIGGIN STOP, and let me think and breathe.
ugh.
its the period, i swear.
enough said. 5:24 PM
Monday, June 15, 2009
zomg. im so pissed right now i could kill someone.1. to whom it may concern, if you havent realised, ive been trying all means to get you but you're obviously avoiding me for some reason i dont know what. i told you already, if you dont wanna go, just tell me. i would find a replacement. dont force yourself to go if you dont want to. you can change the passenger, but not the destination. so pls. if youre out there, give me an answer so i wont get so mad. thank you.
2. if youre married and have kids, pls stay faithful. thank you.
3. work is bogging me down. ayg's in less than 2 weeks time. ive been busy with work, not going for physio, steve's angry and he made me cry. what if the only person who gave u hope gives up on you?
4. which part of: i cant play/kick/jump/run do you people not understand? if i can, i would but i cant. its not that i dont want to. i cant! GOD.
5. if ure not willing to stand up for the person you love, dont force yourself, you'll only make a fool out of yourself and cause someone else to get friggin hurt.
6. life is not all about money. pls, pls understand that, i beg you.
7. next time why not, when i reach ur friggin doorstep then u tell me ure not at home lah. ure house is only at the other end of singapore what, not that far. transport's quite cheap too.
8. im tired of working. i want to work. but im tired. i dont know what i want. no, wait. i do know what i want. i want to train. i want to be able to train again. i dont know in what sport but just train. i need to train to keep my mind of things. too many things going on in my head.
9. i suddenly feel like staying in sch for the 4th yr. i think someone needs to slap me.
10. i want my life back. GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK. this is depressing, seriously.
friggin knee.
ergh.
enough said. 11:40 PM
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
i remembered about half a yr ago, saying something like,"i did badly for my exams".i remembered sometime ago telling myself to move on if i dont wanna get hurt.
i remembered reminding myself that all i wanted to do was to get back in shape, to be able to run again.
and im doing them again.
and again.
telling myself and being pissed and fed up and throwing tantrums, venting my anger at anyone who gets in my way, making them feel like shit, and feeling sinfully satisfied with that. i keep telling myself all these things, and the best thing is, i do nothing about them.
this is not aisyah.
GET OUT GET OUT.
i want myself back :(
but i feel so empty inside.
i feel dead like a pisang.
i need something exciting in my life.
i need some adventures.
i dont wanna grow old.
i dont want to start working if this is what working feels like.
it feels like ure damn friggin busy,
but u feel empty.
its ironic,
and scary.
its sad.
sad like how my arms wobble when i move them
sad like how my thighs rub against each other when i walk
sad like how i look horribly grotesque in clothes these days.
i miss being smart when i know i will get good grades without having to mug my ass off.
what is there to be embarrassed about? i got my first D. MasyaAllah, i dont even know how. its not that i dint study for it. i did. its just horrid. how stupid can a person get, seriously?
obviously, it pulled my grades down. ooh sad, yeah. im so unmotivated already. ugh.
and you wonder whats happening to me.
i ask myself that everyday.
this thursday, i will go for my biodex test which will determine whether i can start running or not. im not looking forward to it. today i was walking down the slope at my office which i felt a click. not good. i dont know. im just tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. im tired of everything. MasyaAllah.
and i miss being/look like/ feel like an athlete. i dont anymore. it was SO BAD, there was this rp girl who thought i was more like an artsy fartsy person, not an athlete. its sad, really.
i told you. this is not aisyah.
aisyah is not fair. im friggin fairer than many chinese people i know. when was the last time uve seen aisyah fair!!!
aisyah is not fat.
aisyah is not so stupid get D for her friggin exams.
aisyah is not like this. not at all.
whats wrong with me?
ugh.
i should watch nick vujicic every morning when i wake up.
i should feel disgusted complaining about this nitty gritty stuff in life.
whats wrong with me?? :(
enough said. 10:39 PM
Sunday, May 24, 2009
its almost 2pm and ive been lying on my bed since 11am thinking what i should do today. im such a loser i tell you.
i am contemplating if i should cut my hair or not. you know i very itchy hand hot abit want to cut hair lah, give 12459248 excuses why i should cut lahh, later complain.
so should i?
aiyah. life is so tough.
then recently, i've learnt that to survive in life, you CANNOT be nice.
can you imagine someone telling you, "hey, sorry but ure too nice, im finding someone else for this job." WAHLAOEHHHH and i havent even met you lah sia and ure judging me from a conversation over the phone? rude or wat. seriously.
and taking the train rides in the morning also taught me that if ure nice, u bloody lose out. if you dont do your daily tak tau malu act by selitting in between 2 existing bodies in the train (esp at jurong east towards pasir ris) and risk the smell of ketiaks and horrid body odour, you dont get to work on time. then padan muker to you. so, ive learnt to stab the singapore lion (kindness movement mascot) on his back and pretend im like a blade of leaf, i tell myself, "i can squeeze in that space there. i can i can!" then there you go, selit away!
but i know, i know, for those who have safely secured their spot in the train and giving that face as though you've just won the national vertical challenge 2009, u feel like u just wanna give that penyelit a huge tight slap the face right? i feel you, brothers and sisters. once in a while, its okay to feel closer to fellow singaporeans. :)
mcm paham. i'll snear at ppl who step on my white adidas loafers, and dont say sorry. if u do that again im gonna scream OWWWWWW and make sure u say sorry.
my fellow countrymen and women (esp women, i realise) are rude creatures!
and i suggest people should invest in a bottle of deodrant, please. if youre too cheapskate, powder will do. it helps, trust me. if a huge fan of bedak wangi. it lasts me tru the day. in other words, i smell nice the whole day. BO in the morning train is a big NO-NO. ugh. and when u have sampah in ur mouth, try breathing thru ur nose and not talk in the crowded train. spare us the pain, please.
life is tough huh? kene mandi pagi-pagi, kene gosok gigi, kene pergi kerje and face the annoying shit-situations u get in the train.
once, at the bus stop, i saw this lady who kene taik burong on her hair, then she abit thick skin i think cannot feel, didnt realise theres taik burong on her hair, its colourless also but damn, i saw that friggin bird shat on her sia. then a few ppl around me saw the rude burong also, but noone went up to her and told her. i feel bad cuz i dint tell her cuz my bus arrived already. :(
sorry mr kindness lion, singaporeans are just born to be bad and ugly.
thats why i think, im an exception. :)
sorry world, im too nice. live with that.
i feel like an adult now, go work everyday, 830 to 630. fooyoh. much effort yo! soyjoy is little effort. sorry if youre the victim of my mengarotness is im bored at work. like sending you MUCH EFFORT good morning mms-cards:
if this goes on, id rather stay in school and force myself to take honours next yr. if not, can u believe it, im graduating next yr!!! i know, rapid kan. its scary. :(
but i dont want school to start. i dont know what i want, seriously.
now, let me get back to my thinking,
should i cut my hair or not?
enough said. 12:14 PM
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
WHAT IS A CHAMPION?
really meh?
then i must be a champion. (eleh. stoppit eh. go learn how to run again first.)
dont push it ehh.
(why cannot push, they say if i push i become champion mah!)
horrid.
exams making me turn schizo.
i need antidepressants.
my seratonin levels are high! gimme prozac.
(wah prepared for biopsych nampak! biopsych jargons!)
(jargons remind me of jaggernauts from x-men. those brown helmet robot villians.)
giler eh?
memang.
...
i feel like a champion this week!
1. i dint go for physio/rehab for a week bcuz i was too busy. too busy doing what i dont know. it feels like studying is never ending. (ah complain complain. saper suroh last minute blajaaar!)
my knee lost strength cuz champion mah never train the leg. so, it gave way like 3 times.
CHAMPION knee.
2. but today i managed to achieve (almost) full range okay. except my straightening (off by 5 degrees) okay wut.
CHAMPION.
3. i dint sleep the whole night finishing up my TS1101E portfolio on set design. and went to school for practical exam the next day. thus the eye bags untuk takung air mata and gula gula. (my face sweet ma, i got mosquito bite on my chin today)
CHAMPION nyamuk.
4. the examiner asked me about light designs which was so..OUT and uncalled for and those kind of spot-the-not-ajer-tau-kuranghasam! questions. sengajer seh. takper.
CHAMPIONS pandai asap.
5. i actually studied and FINISHED reading the textbook (!!!) for social psych exam.
ini baru CHAMPION!
6. but i dint study the lecture notes where all the questions in the exams were based on. (same theory applies as champion factor no.4- kuranghasam! questions.) so i couldnt answer (like at all, i swear) 40 marks worth of questions. takper kater...
...CHAMPION kan?
7. i went for the GEK exam not knowing it was open book.
TAKDER LAGI CHAMPION?
8. i camwhored for the first time in many years. (bedek) its not everyday u get perfectlly coiffed hair mah! NAH! ini dia muker champion:
9. thursday got exam still can facebook and blog.
CHAMPION!
10.and last CHAMPION special mention goes to izzat. ah pergi jauh jauh lagi lah. tinggalkan orang.
ini satu kisah cerita tentang budak tinggi gala.
budak nama aisyah blajar banyak banyak sampai gila!
okay dah.
BLAJAR!
enough said. 11:39 PM
