Alhamdullilah, we've reached another end of the year. Alhamdullilah, we've all made it thus far in our lives. Alhamdullilah, is what we should learn to say more often and that comes top in my NEW YEAR RESOLUTION.
#01: Be grateful more often. Say Alhamdullilah.
Things i should be grateful of in 2011:
1. The plenty amount of money I had while I was working.
2. The courage I plucked to submit that letter of resignation to MOE.
3. The screw removal surgery I had to brace for which put me out of training for a week. But it was worth the pain because my knee never felt better.
4. The 3 Bronze medals that I won for the Asia Cup and SEARF Rowing Championships which qualified me for the SEA Games.
5. Passing my driving test after failing it once because I took forever to perform a vertical parking which made me an immediate failure.
6. Having had the means to pay for my own driving lessons.
7. Being able to still stay in my house even though Im supposed to be a working adult and supposedly contributing to the household but obviously I wasnt and am still not.
8. Having a mum who doesnt support me in rowing but still allows me to train every single morning which meant she sees more of her kindergarten kids than her own daughter.
9. Being able to survive financially despite only working as a part-time coach and personal trainer for 8 months.
10. Survived a wisdom teeth surgery where 4 of my teeth were plucked out at once, which also meants survivng my second General Anaesthesia of the year.
11. Recovering miraculously rapidly despite being awfully sick days before the finals for the SEA Games, which brought me to thing to be grateful #12:
12. Bringing home 2 Bronze medals from Jakarta knowing that all the effort Ive put for my sport had been well spent.
13. Having spent a year and 2 months (coming this Jan 4) with my bf who has been the most awesome, most supportive and really really really (finding the perfect word to insert here), someone i will always ask myself, "MasyaAllah, what will I do without him?" Amazing? Incredible? I cant find a word that fits him perfectly but I do know that his presence in my life has made a huge difference to who i am, what i do and where i'll be in the next few years. and no matter how hard i am to handle, he has never left my side. and i pray that he will never leave my side, insyaAllah.
And if 13 had a part b, Im forever grateful that his family is very accepting and welcoming to me being part of them. Alhamdullilah.
And that, being the last in my list doesnt mean he is the least of grateful things im grateful for, would nicely wrap up my list.
And of course there are a thousand other things I should be grateful of such as Singapore being far from any natural disaster, Alhamdullilah. Looking at the flash floods that hit Thailand and the occurences of tsunamis and earthquakes in japan and new zealand, I can never be more than grateful to be living here, although its definitely an expensive city to live in. But for now, lets keep it at 12 things.
#02: Be more organized and stop procrastinating, for goodness sake.
iPad has made my life more organized in a way. not a really huge difference but when it comes to logging in training programmes and keeping track of my clients and the schools that i was coaching, it has played a very important role in taking over the lives of the pen and paper. and yes, i think it has made me more organized to a small extent but change is good. yeah?
but when you look at my room, its not really a disaster. neither is it anywhere close to an IKEA showroom lookalike. i'd call it an organized mess. things are in order, but not in order-kind of thing. you know? and i have these IKEA items i bought ages ago waiting to be drilled onto the walls but instead have been sitting there pretty in the corner of my room collecting immense amounts of dust mites.
so this new year, i want to be more organized and stop procrastinating. ive read somewhere recently that having a daily, "TODAY I WILL ______________" list on my wall with only ONE thing to accomplish per day will help. theres no harm trying!
and yes, i attended a Sports Psychology workshop recently and they sort of taught us how to create Goals and one of the ways to jot down goals and how to get there is to be SPECIFIC (there were others such as MEASURABLE goals, REALISTIC goals, etc. but lets stick to SPECIFIC for now). i know you'll go, "WE ALL KNEW THAT ALREADY." yes, i learnt this back in secondary school days but sometimes it feels good to be reminded of what we learnt before and now, being more mature, older and hopefully wiser, actually do some goal-setting and making them do wonders. thus, my resolutions now arent simply: be more organized. they have to be more like: have a daily list of ONE THING to do and make it happen!
TADA.
i feel smarter already.
and more accomplished.
and im only at #02.
#03: to love my job as much as i love rowing
THIS HAS TO BE #13 THING I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
getting a job, finally. Alhamdullilah.
2 rounds of interviews. 3 candidates. and I emerged as the winner.
honestly, as much confident as i thought i was, i had this little voice inside of me telling me that i should continue hunting for another job while waiting for the results, JUST IN CASE i didnt get this job, and so i did. it was the scariest interviews EVER because clearly i was disadvantaged considering the amount of experience i hardly have as a working adult and my age and the fact that im considered a fresh graduate and the post actually requires someone with plenty of exp (and age) up their sleeves! and the questions i was asked during the interviews were not in the list of common questions asked when i tried to google them.
GASP.
anyways,
it was one of the BEST PHONECALLS IVE EVER RECEIVED IN MY LIFE.
its not really something id call a dream job. but its one of the little steps im planning to take to achieve my career goals (omg this sports psychology workshop has really gotten into my head, hasnt it?)
but really, maybe its not time for me to reveal what the job is yet and it wont make people go OMG YOU GOT THE JOB AS A _________ but im excited as it is because:
1. i'll be earning, Alhamdullilah
2. it has something to do with sports and working with youths.
3. i have a free shuttle bus from woodlands to my workplace and its down the road to my training centre and my bf.
okay, and back to my resolution #03, it sounds like an exciting job and i will learn to love it like how i love rowing. because i cant stand doing what i dont love. so its love it or leave it, and i hope its the latter. i really dont know whats in store for me but whatever it is, insyaAllah it'll be awesome. so i know its hard to love something else besides rowing but i have to share my love sometimes. right?
and since im in the topic of career and goals. what is my ultimate goal in life, really? one thing for sure is that i want to be an Olympian. but thats not a career. not like Spartans. when King Leonadis asked them whats their profession, they go HOOHOO! which meant they are Spartans. Doesnt apply to being an Olympian tho. so, i was thinking about it and what i really want in life and not ashamed to tell the world about it because you shouldnt be ashamed of dreaming big, is to be able to set up my own gym with my own fitness classes and own like my own boathouse under my very own boat club, and have a fleet of trainers and coaches under me. my ultimate goal is to make sure people love sports and fitness and banish the fat people in the world! muahahahahaha.
to be continued...
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Bumped.
Firstly it was Bali. And all the silly money issues that just kept crumbling on me.
Secondly, it was soccer. I had been looking forward to the 11th of December 2011 because that's the day I was gonna play soccer. The court has been booked. The people have been invited. What's left was just us to travel there and kick some balls. But no, smart Aisyah decided to kick the ball before stretching. Smart Aisyah decided to give it a good kick after days of not exercising and what more not stretching. Smart Aisyah stretched her right quad muscle and felt a sharp pain. Applause. And throughout the whole day, Smart Aisyah just sat there on the benches watching the people play soccer. Congratulations for straining your quad muscle! Now not only can I not kick the ball, I can't run. Woohoo!
Thirdly, it was the day rowing became a nightmare for me. I was pissed. The period. The afternoon water caused by the (God knows why the winds are like gusts) winds. The stupid training boats which you just have to shut up and get used to. The shoes which were 5 size bigger. The boat riggings which were Horrid. Basically, rowing became a chore. I HATED EVERY BIT OF IT. so God decided that on that awful day when Aisyah was at the peak of her pissed off mode, lets teach her a lesson. #01: when you're pissed at the boat or the water or even yourself, don't vent it out on your boyfriend.
I was so pissed I rowed so hard and I knew the technique was messed up but I was just telling myself, GET THIS OVER AND DONE WITH MY GOD. and then, I heard a boat coming towards me and next thing I knew I flew out of my boat! FLYING IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. I was thrown backwards and into the water. At first it was okay, I thought I was safe, then I felt the pain creeping insidiously and ever so excruciatingly up my legs. My ankle. My right ankle. I can't feel it. I screamed and bawled and cried and just wailed I swear I sounded like a 5 yr old but I didn't care it was (insert rude word here) painful. I hyperventilated. I couldn't think.
I was rowing on a singles and the boat which clashed into mine was a doubles. So obviously and obeying the rules of physics like how Nadzrie explained to me, the amount of force you exert will be the same in the opposite direction. So the two boys plus their boat being waaaaaay heavier than me and my boat caused me to fly instead of them. And how nice the boat came to a complete stop as it was stuck right in between my boat's riggers. Can u imagine the inertia? Whoa. I flew.
Okay so back to the part when I was in the water grabbing on to my boat for dear life. God, oh God, I really don't remember hear much. My attention was drawn to just holding on to the boat in case I can't keep afloat. I know the boys were still around because their boat was stuck to mine. I didn't know what I was holding on to. I was just in excrutiating pain :(
Then Nadzrie came in his singles and he shouted for Raihan. He told me to come towards him but I was afraid. I can't feel my legs and I didn't know how to get to him. I almost made him capsize when I pushed on his oar. Afraid, I just held on to my boat to keep myself afloat. Raihan came and I was still breathing loudly and sobbing. I told him I couldn't feel my right foot. He told me to get closer to the katamaran but I couldn't, I was afraid. I told him, let me breathe first. So I cooled myself down and slowly pulled myself closer towards the boat. He pulled me up and my unisuit almost tore when it got caught on the stupid dirty katamaran. We towed my singles back. Initially, I couldn't feel the pain on my ankle, slowly, I felt the pain growing. Mampoz.
My ankle was gone by the time we reached the pontoon. It was purple and swollen like a dead fish. The ang moh mum helped me onto the pontoon and thats when I took a first step with my right foot. The pain reminded me of my ACL tear. The way it just gave way. It was scary. Nadzrie then piggy backed me to the office where Uncle Gilbert came with 2 bags of ice, enough to freeze my whole body. How cute of him.
Things happened really fast. The accident, the rescue, the speed at which my ankle got even bigger. Makkau. Later that night, Nadzrie's kind brother wrapped it for me.
I went to see dr the next day and thank God, it wasn't anything serious. I strained 2 ligaments around my ankle, more towards e heel side of the ankle which was a rare case of strain because my foot was in an awkward position when I strained it. In the morning, my ankles look like elephants. But it felt much better. Today, I can walk-slowly.
I survived probably world's first boat to boat accident which caused an ankle strain and 6 bruises on my arms and hip.
How exciting.
Fourthly, I know my weight shouldn't be an issue because like I mentioned before the heavier I am, the stronger I will be on the erg, and water. But I just can't stand gaining weight. :(
Fiftly and lastly, I still haven't gotten a job but I have several offers and interviews to attend which scares the shit out of me because really,
I don't know what's good for me!
May my ankle heal ASAP so I can start running and rowing again, insyaallah.
Amin.
Secondly, it was soccer. I had been looking forward to the 11th of December 2011 because that's the day I was gonna play soccer. The court has been booked. The people have been invited. What's left was just us to travel there and kick some balls. But no, smart Aisyah decided to kick the ball before stretching. Smart Aisyah decided to give it a good kick after days of not exercising and what more not stretching. Smart Aisyah stretched her right quad muscle and felt a sharp pain. Applause. And throughout the whole day, Smart Aisyah just sat there on the benches watching the people play soccer. Congratulations for straining your quad muscle! Now not only can I not kick the ball, I can't run. Woohoo!
Thirdly, it was the day rowing became a nightmare for me. I was pissed. The period. The afternoon water caused by the (God knows why the winds are like gusts) winds. The stupid training boats which you just have to shut up and get used to. The shoes which were 5 size bigger. The boat riggings which were Horrid. Basically, rowing became a chore. I HATED EVERY BIT OF IT. so God decided that on that awful day when Aisyah was at the peak of her pissed off mode, lets teach her a lesson. #01: when you're pissed at the boat or the water or even yourself, don't vent it out on your boyfriend.
I was so pissed I rowed so hard and I knew the technique was messed up but I was just telling myself, GET THIS OVER AND DONE WITH MY GOD. and then, I heard a boat coming towards me and next thing I knew I flew out of my boat! FLYING IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. I was thrown backwards and into the water. At first it was okay, I thought I was safe, then I felt the pain creeping insidiously and ever so excruciatingly up my legs. My ankle. My right ankle. I can't feel it. I screamed and bawled and cried and just wailed I swear I sounded like a 5 yr old but I didn't care it was (insert rude word here) painful. I hyperventilated. I couldn't think.
I was rowing on a singles and the boat which clashed into mine was a doubles. So obviously and obeying the rules of physics like how Nadzrie explained to me, the amount of force you exert will be the same in the opposite direction. So the two boys plus their boat being waaaaaay heavier than me and my boat caused me to fly instead of them. And how nice the boat came to a complete stop as it was stuck right in between my boat's riggers. Can u imagine the inertia? Whoa. I flew.
Okay so back to the part when I was in the water grabbing on to my boat for dear life. God, oh God, I really don't remember hear much. My attention was drawn to just holding on to the boat in case I can't keep afloat. I know the boys were still around because their boat was stuck to mine. I didn't know what I was holding on to. I was just in excrutiating pain :(
Then Nadzrie came in his singles and he shouted for Raihan. He told me to come towards him but I was afraid. I can't feel my legs and I didn't know how to get to him. I almost made him capsize when I pushed on his oar. Afraid, I just held on to my boat to keep myself afloat. Raihan came and I was still breathing loudly and sobbing. I told him I couldn't feel my right foot. He told me to get closer to the katamaran but I couldn't, I was afraid. I told him, let me breathe first. So I cooled myself down and slowly pulled myself closer towards the boat. He pulled me up and my unisuit almost tore when it got caught on the stupid dirty katamaran. We towed my singles back. Initially, I couldn't feel the pain on my ankle, slowly, I felt the pain growing. Mampoz.
My ankle was gone by the time we reached the pontoon. It was purple and swollen like a dead fish. The ang moh mum helped me onto the pontoon and thats when I took a first step with my right foot. The pain reminded me of my ACL tear. The way it just gave way. It was scary. Nadzrie then piggy backed me to the office where Uncle Gilbert came with 2 bags of ice, enough to freeze my whole body. How cute of him.
Things happened really fast. The accident, the rescue, the speed at which my ankle got even bigger. Makkau. Later that night, Nadzrie's kind brother wrapped it for me.
I went to see dr the next day and thank God, it wasn't anything serious. I strained 2 ligaments around my ankle, more towards e heel side of the ankle which was a rare case of strain because my foot was in an awkward position when I strained it. In the morning, my ankles look like elephants. But it felt much better. Today, I can walk-slowly.
I survived probably world's first boat to boat accident which caused an ankle strain and 6 bruises on my arms and hip.
How exciting.
Fourthly, I know my weight shouldn't be an issue because like I mentioned before the heavier I am, the stronger I will be on the erg, and water. But I just can't stand gaining weight. :(
Fiftly and lastly, I still haven't gotten a job but I have several offers and interviews to attend which scares the shit out of me because really,
I don't know what's good for me!
May my ankle heal ASAP so I can start running and rowing again, insyaallah.
Amin.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
worst day ever.
everyone has that day they wish didnt happen. it could be the day their 7 years relationship with the person they thought they'd spent their life with broke apart. it could be the day their boss told them to leave the company and never come back. it could be the day theyre inches or miliseconds away from winning a million dollars.
i wish today didnt happen.
i wish i didnt had to come back from bali.
but it happened, and yes,
i did come back, safely.
bali was a getaway ive been longing for, something i thought i deserve to reward myself for the achievements i had for the sea games. but noone ever mentioned to me it isnt fun to go on a holiday when your pockets are dried. well maybe my boyfriend did but i wasnt paying much attention cuz i really wanted to go, to just get away from life for a little while. and in the end he gave in and was happy to send me off at the ariport. okay, happy wasnt the right word to use but he was just being happy for me. more like it. thank you, sayang.
bali came and went.
and there i was, at changi airport, saying hello once again to life.
mind you, i love my life.
i love my boyfriend, i love his family, i love his cats, i love my legs, i love the fact that i found rowing and it has played a huge part of my life. i love my family, or whatever is left of it. i love how peaceful our country is i dont go around telling the world i love singapore because honestly i dont want to bring my future children up here, but yes, i love my life.
but life isnt what it is without the drawbacks and the problems and its challenges.
when i came back, things started to look bad, one at a time.
-mum nagged at me saying things along the lines of "i think im old enough to do whatever i want". im old enough not to retaliate. so i just closed my eyes, and listened. and think about how painful rowing is as compared to sitting here listening to her.
-my unpaid hp bills which starhub is supposed to waiver off but theyre taking ages to settle. making me really, awfully, utterly disgusted at their inefficient service.
-mendaki is asking back for their money they lent it to me to pay for my uni. and while im at it, yes, thank you for your money, mendaki, but i still dont understand why im not eligible for the bursary and why that guy who lives in a condo gets full bursary. thus, i will remind myself that when i find a job i will strike my name off the list of contributors to the mendaki fund. not because im selfish but because they dont deserve it. theres no point arguing about it or making a big hoohaa about it because nothing will change unless the whole organization itself changes. but it wont happen anytime soon so i'll save the effort for something more worth the while. i'll contribute to other associations insyallah but not this one
-DBS is asking for its money back too. thank you DBS for helping me pay for my acer laptop which i am gladly still using since 2007.
-im still jobless. i've turned out all the part-time job offers because i am so ready to find a full-time job and im not going to change my decision about this. but job hunting is killing me. and if you think being a degree holder is any better, its not
-the prison officers ive been training the whole years just told me that they found someone to replace me for the rest of the sessions because im always skipping their lessons and that "always" was when i was in korea, jakarta and recently, bali. wow. great people i work with, huh.
-im nowhere near ready for the Olympic qualifications in April which i really want to go for, since i feel good after the races at the sea games. but looking at how the organization runs here, considering the fact that im not training everyday and now im looking for a full-time job which i know is top priority because im dead broke, 2012 looks bleak.
-you can fill the whole Indian Ocean in my bank because thats how empty it is.
-i cried for a whole hour about all these and then i stopped
stupid bitch, stop crying, if today didnt happen, you wouldn't stop and think about all these issues that has been bothering you since the year started. you know this day would come and life is here to shove at your face what you have left behind when you chose rowing over everything else. this is the path you chose so live with it. you have two choices, stay down there and brood for the rest of the night and then throughout your life too or do something about it.
i wish today didnt happen.
i wish i didnt had to come back from bali.
but it happened, and yes,
i did come back, safely.
bali was a getaway ive been longing for, something i thought i deserve to reward myself for the achievements i had for the sea games. but noone ever mentioned to me it isnt fun to go on a holiday when your pockets are dried. well maybe my boyfriend did but i wasnt paying much attention cuz i really wanted to go, to just get away from life for a little while. and in the end he gave in and was happy to send me off at the ariport. okay, happy wasnt the right word to use but he was just being happy for me. more like it. thank you, sayang.
bali came and went.
and there i was, at changi airport, saying hello once again to life.
mind you, i love my life.
i love my boyfriend, i love his family, i love his cats, i love my legs, i love the fact that i found rowing and it has played a huge part of my life. i love my family, or whatever is left of it. i love how peaceful our country is i dont go around telling the world i love singapore because honestly i dont want to bring my future children up here, but yes, i love my life.
but life isnt what it is without the drawbacks and the problems and its challenges.
when i came back, things started to look bad, one at a time.
-mum nagged at me saying things along the lines of "i think im old enough to do whatever i want". im old enough not to retaliate. so i just closed my eyes, and listened. and think about how painful rowing is as compared to sitting here listening to her.
-my unpaid hp bills which starhub is supposed to waiver off but theyre taking ages to settle. making me really, awfully, utterly disgusted at their inefficient service.
-mendaki is asking back for their money they lent it to me to pay for my uni. and while im at it, yes, thank you for your money, mendaki, but i still dont understand why im not eligible for the bursary and why that guy who lives in a condo gets full bursary. thus, i will remind myself that when i find a job i will strike my name off the list of contributors to the mendaki fund. not because im selfish but because they dont deserve it. theres no point arguing about it or making a big hoohaa about it because nothing will change unless the whole organization itself changes. but it wont happen anytime soon so i'll save the effort for something more worth the while. i'll contribute to other associations insyallah but not this one
-DBS is asking for its money back too. thank you DBS for helping me pay for my acer laptop which i am gladly still using since 2007.
-im still jobless. i've turned out all the part-time job offers because i am so ready to find a full-time job and im not going to change my decision about this. but job hunting is killing me. and if you think being a degree holder is any better, its not
-the prison officers ive been training the whole years just told me that they found someone to replace me for the rest of the sessions because im always skipping their lessons and that "always" was when i was in korea, jakarta and recently, bali. wow. great people i work with, huh.
-im nowhere near ready for the Olympic qualifications in April which i really want to go for, since i feel good after the races at the sea games. but looking at how the organization runs here, considering the fact that im not training everyday and now im looking for a full-time job which i know is top priority because im dead broke, 2012 looks bleak.
-you can fill the whole Indian Ocean in my bank because thats how empty it is.
-i cried for a whole hour about all these and then i stopped
stupid bitch, stop crying, if today didnt happen, you wouldn't stop and think about all these issues that has been bothering you since the year started. you know this day would come and life is here to shove at your face what you have left behind when you chose rowing over everything else. this is the path you chose so live with it. you have two choices, stay down there and brood for the rest of the night and then throughout your life too or do something about it.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
things that piss the shit out of me.
1.
life is cruel. dont we all know that already. but life has been so unfair and utterly awful that i cant stand not doing anything about it. something needs to be done to set things right. so apparently from the "oh my! you dont win any money?" comments i received on facebook following the win of my two bronze medals, i have just recently found out that not many know about the miserness of our govt, or maybe perhaps, its just the ignorance of our citizens.
eitherway, its true: THERE IS NO PRIZE MONEY FOR BRONZE AND SILVER MEDALLISTS IN SEA GAMES.
i can double confirm that because with 3 bronze medals hanging on my bedroom wall from the SEA Games, i have yet to receive any cheque from the govt for my wins. what i did receive though, was a computer generated letter from the Olympic Council, congratulating me on my win. very sincere. i am honoured.
sometimes, when i think about it, i tell myself, "stop complaining, bitch. you got what you asked for. you wanted this path in life. so shut up and live on." but then again, why should i let myself be in a disadvantaged position when i put in the same effort, if not more, than the gold medallists in training, and in competition.
come on, tell me which other sport in singapore trains twice a day, 6 days a week, 4 hours each day, and dont get paid a single cent? and dont even let me start comparing to the atheltes from other countries, even third world countries like our dear friends from indonesia and vietnam and myanmar, for goodness sake, receives prize money for their bronze and silver medallists. why cant we? a bronze in swimming would probably be seen as less of a winner as compared to a gold medallist. a silver in water polo would be considered a disaster. but a bronze in rowing, is in fact, a feat. you cant compare rowing to bridge. you just cant. its unfairness in all levels, my God. and what makes them think that by not giving the bronze and silver medallists money, people will strive more for Gold. are these people who set these criteria even athletes?and i truly apologize for my ignorance if they were at some point of time athletes, but considering the fact that they show so much of their appreciation to the non-gold medallists with a piece of letter, it tells so much about them, doesnt it? as an athlete, im sure a thousand other people in the right set of mind would agree with me, we will always strive for the best, for Gold. i participate in non-prize money-medal games like the SEARF and Asian Champs and I will always be aiming for Gold. noone would be stupid enough to not strive for Gold just because there is still a prize money set on winning Silver or Bronze. and what makes you think those who didnt win Gold didnt put in as much effort as those who did. like i mentioned earlier, do you think the Bronze medallist in rowing hasnt been putting as much effort as the Gold medallist in Bridge? seriously?
YES I KNOW MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING. but when youre the athlete who wins the bronze and you see all these hoohaas about the gold medallists and the money they get and you know that you have definitle put in more effort than them considering the nature of the sport that you do and thats not all. later, you find out that your fellow counterparts from the neighbouring countries receives cash although they won the same colour medal as you. if you havent been in that position, then i dont think you will ever understand the pain that you have to bear. MONEY ISNT EVERYTHING. but if someone hands you RM6k, would you turn it down? thats the przie money for a Bronze medal in Malaysia, btw. i just dont understand why Singapore, being a first world country can afford to pay thousands to student athletes but havent gotten the heart to support professional athletes who spend their lives training to bring up the name of the country in their field of sport.
2.
sometimes the lesser you know, the better. sometimes living in delusion can save you from hurt and disappointment. and almost all the time, its better to just keep your mouth shut.
some people talk too much, a quintessential display of an empty vessel makes the most noise.
what i have learnt from these experiences i have gained from rowing so far: champions dont complain. theyre too busy focusing on making themselves better. so some people definitely need to apply this lesson in life, before they drown in their own sea of words.
and really, most of the time, talking about certain individuals in your life doesnt bring anyone or anything any benefit at all. its a waste of breath and precious time. so let these people say what they want to say. i cant be bothered anymore.
---
so yes the three of us (Nadzrie, Joanna and I) got terribly sick during our trip to Jakarta for the Games. it was awful, there was so much of purging and migranes and fever going on even the coach almost lost hope in us. it was the worst that could happen to any athlete competing in any major games. but the best we could do was to recover as fast as possible. and honestly, it was a strangely exciting experience. we couldnt have emerged better athletes if not for that downfall that we had to go through.
and for the record, getting sick is not a sign of irresponsibility, it was a challenge God threw at us to make us not take things for granted, and an opportunity to become stronger, not only physically but mentally. it was this obstacle that we had to pass to test our courage and determination and how much we wanted to race for each other. if one of us got sick and the other didnt, we wouldnt understand how miserable the other was feeling. if neither of us got sick, we wouldnt know how strong we were. things happen for a reason. irresponsibility was the last of all reasons.
3.
starhub oh starhub. why are you friggin irritating. firstly you didnt remind me to renew my plan and charged me for what was given to me free of charge since i ever subscribed to you. then you made me pay $600 upfront telling me that the remaining would be waivered off. and now 4 months down the road, nothing has changed and i still have to pay what i shouldnt be paying for. youre the bane of my life, i swear.
life is cruel. dont we all know that already. but life has been so unfair and utterly awful that i cant stand not doing anything about it. something needs to be done to set things right. so apparently from the "oh my! you dont win any money?" comments i received on facebook following the win of my two bronze medals, i have just recently found out that not many know about the miserness of our govt, or maybe perhaps, its just the ignorance of our citizens.
eitherway, its true: THERE IS NO PRIZE MONEY FOR BRONZE AND SILVER MEDALLISTS IN SEA GAMES.
i can double confirm that because with 3 bronze medals hanging on my bedroom wall from the SEA Games, i have yet to receive any cheque from the govt for my wins. what i did receive though, was a computer generated letter from the Olympic Council, congratulating me on my win. very sincere. i am honoured.
sometimes, when i think about it, i tell myself, "stop complaining, bitch. you got what you asked for. you wanted this path in life. so shut up and live on." but then again, why should i let myself be in a disadvantaged position when i put in the same effort, if not more, than the gold medallists in training, and in competition.
come on, tell me which other sport in singapore trains twice a day, 6 days a week, 4 hours each day, and dont get paid a single cent? and dont even let me start comparing to the atheltes from other countries, even third world countries like our dear friends from indonesia and vietnam and myanmar, for goodness sake, receives prize money for their bronze and silver medallists. why cant we? a bronze in swimming would probably be seen as less of a winner as compared to a gold medallist. a silver in water polo would be considered a disaster. but a bronze in rowing, is in fact, a feat. you cant compare rowing to bridge. you just cant. its unfairness in all levels, my God. and what makes them think that by not giving the bronze and silver medallists money, people will strive more for Gold. are these people who set these criteria even athletes?and i truly apologize for my ignorance if they were at some point of time athletes, but considering the fact that they show so much of their appreciation to the non-gold medallists with a piece of letter, it tells so much about them, doesnt it? as an athlete, im sure a thousand other people in the right set of mind would agree with me, we will always strive for the best, for Gold. i participate in non-prize money-medal games like the SEARF and Asian Champs and I will always be aiming for Gold. noone would be stupid enough to not strive for Gold just because there is still a prize money set on winning Silver or Bronze. and what makes you think those who didnt win Gold didnt put in as much effort as those who did. like i mentioned earlier, do you think the Bronze medallist in rowing hasnt been putting as much effort as the Gold medallist in Bridge? seriously?
YES I KNOW MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING. but when youre the athlete who wins the bronze and you see all these hoohaas about the gold medallists and the money they get and you know that you have definitle put in more effort than them considering the nature of the sport that you do and thats not all. later, you find out that your fellow counterparts from the neighbouring countries receives cash although they won the same colour medal as you. if you havent been in that position, then i dont think you will ever understand the pain that you have to bear. MONEY ISNT EVERYTHING. but if someone hands you RM6k, would you turn it down? thats the przie money for a Bronze medal in Malaysia, btw. i just dont understand why Singapore, being a first world country can afford to pay thousands to student athletes but havent gotten the heart to support professional athletes who spend their lives training to bring up the name of the country in their field of sport.
2.
sometimes the lesser you know, the better. sometimes living in delusion can save you from hurt and disappointment. and almost all the time, its better to just keep your mouth shut.
some people talk too much, a quintessential display of an empty vessel makes the most noise.
what i have learnt from these experiences i have gained from rowing so far: champions dont complain. theyre too busy focusing on making themselves better. so some people definitely need to apply this lesson in life, before they drown in their own sea of words.
and really, most of the time, talking about certain individuals in your life doesnt bring anyone or anything any benefit at all. its a waste of breath and precious time. so let these people say what they want to say. i cant be bothered anymore.
---
so yes the three of us (Nadzrie, Joanna and I) got terribly sick during our trip to Jakarta for the Games. it was awful, there was so much of purging and migranes and fever going on even the coach almost lost hope in us. it was the worst that could happen to any athlete competing in any major games. but the best we could do was to recover as fast as possible. and honestly, it was a strangely exciting experience. we couldnt have emerged better athletes if not for that downfall that we had to go through.
and for the record, getting sick is not a sign of irresponsibility, it was a challenge God threw at us to make us not take things for granted, and an opportunity to become stronger, not only physically but mentally. it was this obstacle that we had to pass to test our courage and determination and how much we wanted to race for each other. if one of us got sick and the other didnt, we wouldnt understand how miserable the other was feeling. if neither of us got sick, we wouldnt know how strong we were. things happen for a reason. irresponsibility was the last of all reasons.
3.
starhub oh starhub. why are you friggin irritating. firstly you didnt remind me to renew my plan and charged me for what was given to me free of charge since i ever subscribed to you. then you made me pay $600 upfront telling me that the remaining would be waivered off. and now 4 months down the road, nothing has changed and i still have to pay what i shouldnt be paying for. youre the bane of my life, i swear.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Fear.
It's scary how fast time flies. Today we're already leaving. Monday we're racing. And come Thursday, it'll all be over.
It's scary how life works in ways a human being find it hard to phantom sometimes. Today I walked out of home, said Hi to my neighbor who asked me where I was heading to, work? And I just nodded in convenience not wanting to stand any longer in front of him being clouded in smoke. Then I took the bus and then the train. And now I'm sitting in the train like the other commuters around me, minding their own business, each with their own thoughts inside their heads, each with their own problems and struggles to face in their daily lives. Exams, school, tight deadlines, horrible bosses, marriage, work. And then you thought to yourself, wow, I'm actually on my way to Nadzrie's house to get my bag and then his parents are sending us off to the airport. And unlike any other trips people make around the world, for business, for leisure, for sports, today I am flying to Jakarta for the SEA Games. I mean, for real. Right now I'm sitting here like any other normal human being but with a responsibility on my shoukders so heavy if I'm not strong enough I'll just crumble under the pressure of wanting to win. I am actually going to be in another country representing my nation and being out there to win. And what I do know is that no one in this train's going to take over that responsibility. No one knows how it feels to work so hard for this last stretch. Maybe one or two have had experience being an athlete and playing the game of their lives. But nothing could explain this experience I'm about to gain. I've been through 2 sea games. This is not like a practice paper where the more you do the better you get at it. It's one shot. No rehearsals.
I chose this path in life. I could have gotten it easy to just stay in my job. I could have chosen an easier sport. But who wantsrowing is what I did. Rowing is what I chose. I've made this choice. Live with it.
And while I'm living it, might as well I do my best in it :)
It's scary how life works in ways a human being find it hard to phantom sometimes. Today I walked out of home, said Hi to my neighbor who asked me where I was heading to, work? And I just nodded in convenience not wanting to stand any longer in front of him being clouded in smoke. Then I took the bus and then the train. And now I'm sitting in the train like the other commuters around me, minding their own business, each with their own thoughts inside their heads, each with their own problems and struggles to face in their daily lives. Exams, school, tight deadlines, horrible bosses, marriage, work. And then you thought to yourself, wow, I'm actually on my way to Nadzrie's house to get my bag and then his parents are sending us off to the airport. And unlike any other trips people make around the world, for business, for leisure, for sports, today I am flying to Jakarta for the SEA Games. I mean, for real. Right now I'm sitting here like any other normal human being but with a responsibility on my shoukders so heavy if I'm not strong enough I'll just crumble under the pressure of wanting to win. I am actually going to be in another country representing my nation and being out there to win. And what I do know is that no one in this train's going to take over that responsibility. No one knows how it feels to work so hard for this last stretch. Maybe one or two have had experience being an athlete and playing the game of their lives. But nothing could explain this experience I'm about to gain. I've been through 2 sea games. This is not like a practice paper where the more you do the better you get at it. It's one shot. No rehearsals.
I chose this path in life. I could have gotten it easy to just stay in my job. I could have chosen an easier sport. But who wantsrowing is what I did. Rowing is what I chose. I've made this choice. Live with it.
And while I'm living it, might as well I do my best in it :)
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Aidiladha
It's aidiladha and I just finished training. Did a 12k on a singles. Went ok, not good, not bad, just okay. Not proud of myself, not disappointed either. I did the pieces and put my boat back on the rack.
I'm not planning to go home cuz I'm a terrible daughter and an irresponsible sister. I'm a disappointment in my family.
What point is there in appearing in the papers every month getting featured for my achievements and dreams and goals if I can't even carry out my duties as a daughter or a sister.my brother pointed that out to me last night when we had that chat.
More like him doing the talking and me looking away trying not to make eye contact with him. Oh I'm a rude child I admit. But why should I look into the eyes of a person who just slapped me across my face?
Even my dad has never layed his hands on me before and this is the second time my brother hit me. Am I such a terrible person, really?
I come from a dysfunctional family. I'm not afraid of admitting that. And yes I cringe at the word "family". We don't function like one. Well ok, dysfuctionality has its extremes. My brothers don't wear tapered pants have tattoos on their faces as a mark of rank and they definitely don't sleep around making women have babies when they were 13. Not dysfunctional to that extend. We come from a strong background and family history of love and trust but shit happens and everything crumbles one after another. Without a strong figure in the house definitely things will get out of hand. They did. But things didnt crumble too far. Those that left, started anew and now they're happy. Or that's what I assume. And then they're accepted again to this function called a family. I stayed on. Things went down, continue going down and down around me. I went down, I never left but I dont linger. I stayed, I tried. But I guess it wasn't enough.
And I was being called irresponsible and disrespectful and what have you. Its just not fair I don't even club or drink or even touch a ciggie. Im too busy training. Im too busy chasing after my dream. And to them, its a terrible thing to wake up working hard to achieve your dreams. To them, its worse than sleeping around or coming back late smelling of liquor.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have my flaws. Im irresponsible? yes. I dont do the household chores cuz Im not even around. But I try my best to make the people at home happy by skipping training and spending days cleaning the whole house on my own during the festive period. i know keeping the house clean is not a once off thing. but at least im trying. I treat my family to a big dinner because I want to see everyone together with whatever earnings I have. Even my brothers who earn 300x more than me dont treat us but I wont compare. They have their own shit too. But again they think I dont care. Im rude? considering the fact that I used to be screaming at my mum, now I think Im an angel as compared to myself when I was a teen. I've definitely changed.
So what is it that they dont understand?
I quit my job to row. and im happier. loads happier. its not like training is fun and exciting. in fact its crazy tiring and sometimes it just drains the life out of you. but its the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day after i completed a hard session that i live for. and that feeling when the boat glides through the water, and it all comes naturally. thats what i love.
i dont need the newspaper features ive been getting. honestly, its quite embarassing because i havent even been achieveing much. all i want to do is do well in rowing and make my parents proud. then my mum will finally stop saying that im wasting my time and all these brings me nothing. as much as it cuts me deep when she says these things, i can just keep my ears and mouth shut. remember, only you decide what can hurt u and what cant.
yes, seven years and she still doesnt like the fact that i row.
and yes she hasnt seen me race.
and she doesnt know how good i really am.
which i dont blame her still.
which mum would want to see her daughter grow up, graduate from uni and quit her job to do things that dont bring her any future?
i still love her with all my heart and wish that one day she'll finally finally finally be proud of me.
insyaallah.
I've been living in my own bubble. I try not to bother others. I live my life the way I want it to be. I do the things I love. Others talk but if i dont mind it dont matter. They can say what they want but its up to you to choose whether to be affected by it or not. I choose to stay free from all this cheap talk. I'm old enough to decide what I want in life. Everything has been going well. On the outside. I do my own stuff. I come back home once in a while. I try to make the family happy but apparently I'm not doing a good job. I want to try harder but there's other crazy things on my mind right now like how close the sea games is and all that shit. I can be volatile when u provoke the little bubble that I live in. You can say all you want. You can choose to be hurt by what people think of you, or me. But why why why do you have to come and bother the life that I've been perfectly fine with?
Thats what I can't take.
Thats why I finally decide to leave.
So u remember my story about my brother slapping me and giving me that talk before I got distracted with my own sad lifestory?
I left. I dont know if its considered running away because I still love my room and most of my things are still in the house. But I packed yesterday with tears flowing down my cheeks incessantly. Thus the swollen eyes this morning. Packed an emergency runaway bag filled-which doesnt have much to fill with- because most of my stuff are somewhere else already. I didnt want to leave but I cant stand living in a house where they bring me down for doing what I do best and what I love. I cant stand those who talk about others behind their backs but be on their side in front of their faces. I cant stand hypocrites. I can take the blame of being irresponsible and rude and disrespectful because I know I was, still am but not to a very large extent and Im trying my best to change. But with the kind of support system I have at home, especially after I got slapped hard by the person who was never around, and everyone stood and watch and I had to stand up on my own two feet to defend myself, I cant stay around any longer.
They talk about loving me and caring for me. And being proud of me. But all I want to do is for them to just understand the amount of sacrifice and commitment that I have to give for me to chase after this dream. But they cant.
Dont even start on the money issue, masyaAllah.
Im sorry that I had to pack and leave.
I cant let these issues affect my training.
Especially not when theres less than a week left ot the Games.
Im not mad at them for saying those things to me or reacting that way.
Im just sad that I dont see a family in mine anymore.
And it pains me to see how my boyfriend and his family functions.
Thats a family.
They do fight, but theres an extent to where the fight goes.
I just have to accept the fact that mine's not like that.
And will never be. None of us is willing to change, especially not when we're all already considered adults.
I dont consider myself unfortunate. I am grateful to have such a family. At least I have one. And I have a roof over my head, be it at my house or my dad's.
Maybe its one of life's lesson so that we will not repeat this in our future, when we have to build our own family.
I'm not planning to go home cuz I'm a terrible daughter and an irresponsible sister. I'm a disappointment in my family.
What point is there in appearing in the papers every month getting featured for my achievements and dreams and goals if I can't even carry out my duties as a daughter or a sister.my brother pointed that out to me last night when we had that chat.
More like him doing the talking and me looking away trying not to make eye contact with him. Oh I'm a rude child I admit. But why should I look into the eyes of a person who just slapped me across my face?
Even my dad has never layed his hands on me before and this is the second time my brother hit me. Am I such a terrible person, really?
I come from a dysfunctional family. I'm not afraid of admitting that. And yes I cringe at the word "family". We don't function like one. Well ok, dysfuctionality has its extremes. My brothers don't wear tapered pants have tattoos on their faces as a mark of rank and they definitely don't sleep around making women have babies when they were 13. Not dysfunctional to that extend. We come from a strong background and family history of love and trust but shit happens and everything crumbles one after another. Without a strong figure in the house definitely things will get out of hand. They did. But things didnt crumble too far. Those that left, started anew and now they're happy. Or that's what I assume. And then they're accepted again to this function called a family. I stayed on. Things went down, continue going down and down around me. I went down, I never left but I dont linger. I stayed, I tried. But I guess it wasn't enough.
And I was being called irresponsible and disrespectful and what have you. Its just not fair I don't even club or drink or even touch a ciggie. Im too busy training. Im too busy chasing after my dream. And to them, its a terrible thing to wake up working hard to achieve your dreams. To them, its worse than sleeping around or coming back late smelling of liquor.
I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have my flaws. Im irresponsible? yes. I dont do the household chores cuz Im not even around. But I try my best to make the people at home happy by skipping training and spending days cleaning the whole house on my own during the festive period. i know keeping the house clean is not a once off thing. but at least im trying. I treat my family to a big dinner because I want to see everyone together with whatever earnings I have. Even my brothers who earn 300x more than me dont treat us but I wont compare. They have their own shit too. But again they think I dont care. Im rude? considering the fact that I used to be screaming at my mum, now I think Im an angel as compared to myself when I was a teen. I've definitely changed.
So what is it that they dont understand?
I quit my job to row. and im happier. loads happier. its not like training is fun and exciting. in fact its crazy tiring and sometimes it just drains the life out of you. but its the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day after i completed a hard session that i live for. and that feeling when the boat glides through the water, and it all comes naturally. thats what i love.
i dont need the newspaper features ive been getting. honestly, its quite embarassing because i havent even been achieveing much. all i want to do is do well in rowing and make my parents proud. then my mum will finally stop saying that im wasting my time and all these brings me nothing. as much as it cuts me deep when she says these things, i can just keep my ears and mouth shut. remember, only you decide what can hurt u and what cant.
yes, seven years and she still doesnt like the fact that i row.
and yes she hasnt seen me race.
and she doesnt know how good i really am.
which i dont blame her still.
which mum would want to see her daughter grow up, graduate from uni and quit her job to do things that dont bring her any future?
i still love her with all my heart and wish that one day she'll finally finally finally be proud of me.
insyaallah.
I've been living in my own bubble. I try not to bother others. I live my life the way I want it to be. I do the things I love. Others talk but if i dont mind it dont matter. They can say what they want but its up to you to choose whether to be affected by it or not. I choose to stay free from all this cheap talk. I'm old enough to decide what I want in life. Everything has been going well. On the outside. I do my own stuff. I come back home once in a while. I try to make the family happy but apparently I'm not doing a good job. I want to try harder but there's other crazy things on my mind right now like how close the sea games is and all that shit. I can be volatile when u provoke the little bubble that I live in. You can say all you want. You can choose to be hurt by what people think of you, or me. But why why why do you have to come and bother the life that I've been perfectly fine with?
Thats what I can't take.
Thats why I finally decide to leave.
So u remember my story about my brother slapping me and giving me that talk before I got distracted with my own sad lifestory?
I left. I dont know if its considered running away because I still love my room and most of my things are still in the house. But I packed yesterday with tears flowing down my cheeks incessantly. Thus the swollen eyes this morning. Packed an emergency runaway bag filled-which doesnt have much to fill with- because most of my stuff are somewhere else already. I didnt want to leave but I cant stand living in a house where they bring me down for doing what I do best and what I love. I cant stand those who talk about others behind their backs but be on their side in front of their faces. I cant stand hypocrites. I can take the blame of being irresponsible and rude and disrespectful because I know I was, still am but not to a very large extent and Im trying my best to change. But with the kind of support system I have at home, especially after I got slapped hard by the person who was never around, and everyone stood and watch and I had to stand up on my own two feet to defend myself, I cant stay around any longer.
They talk about loving me and caring for me. And being proud of me. But all I want to do is for them to just understand the amount of sacrifice and commitment that I have to give for me to chase after this dream. But they cant.
Dont even start on the money issue, masyaAllah.
Im sorry that I had to pack and leave.
I cant let these issues affect my training.
Especially not when theres less than a week left ot the Games.
Im not mad at them for saying those things to me or reacting that way.
Im just sad that I dont see a family in mine anymore.
And it pains me to see how my boyfriend and his family functions.
Thats a family.
They do fight, but theres an extent to where the fight goes.
I just have to accept the fact that mine's not like that.
And will never be. None of us is willing to change, especially not when we're all already considered adults.
I dont consider myself unfortunate. I am grateful to have such a family. At least I have one. And I have a roof over my head, be it at my house or my dad's.
Maybe its one of life's lesson so that we will not repeat this in our future, when we have to build our own family.
Friday, November 04, 2011
Here's my attempt to write well.
Hi!
I have new updates in my life right now that I wish to share with the world.
I've proposed a new rule to myself which is to use good command of English language when I write. I'll tell you why I suddenly thought of weird things for myself. I realized I used to write very well, both in English and yes, surprisingly in Malay, too. "Well", in this case means exceptionally outstanding kind of thing. Those of higher Malay and Band 1 English standard. Unfortunately, I don't use Malay alot, even in my daily speeches to my friends and family. But i do have lots of Malay people around me all the time, number one on my list who's always next to me, my boyfriend. And sometimes even his command of Malay is eons better than mine and my standard of Malay is supposed to be way higher than his considering the fact that I was a Higher Malay student since I was in primary school. And that I scored A1 for that subject for my Os. So yes, I haven't been using Malay much i admit, and due to this ignorance that I'm truly guilty of, the standard of my Malay language has dropped exponentially, so bad, it takes me hours to read the Malay papers and the papers aren't that thick, really. So before I lose my grasp of the English language and crumble in the depths of Singlish, i'm making the effort to not lose touch here.
But honestly, it's not easy writing a blog entry writing in proper English. It makes me feel very lame.
So I have came out with an idea, because sometimes rowers do get bored. An idea that would not only change the path of my life but also to the people around me and the universe beyond our world. That's ridiculous. I'm kidding. It's just a small idea to start writing in another blog or page or tumblr or what have you. To write down proper stuff that people actually read and have interest in. Unlike my blog which I doubt anyone would be interested to read about. Because I realize, you'll never know when you might need to show your future bosses that you have a gift in writing and that you can express your ideas in ways others can't (well, that's if I actually have that gift -lah). Ideas come and go like advice your parents give- you listen to all, but heed only some. Likewise, not all ideas will materialize so I don't know if this idea of mine would actually happen but let's just hope it will. Meanwhile, I just thought I'd like to share the idea with you because usually if I write down my ideas in my iPad which only me and myself could see, no good thing will come out of it. I can conveniently erase that idea I once had and pretended that idea never popped in my head. So now that I have announced my great idea to better improve myself, I know I would not have an easy way out not to do it.
I think. Heh.
I have new updates in my life right now that I wish to share with the world.
I've proposed a new rule to myself which is to use good command of English language when I write. I'll tell you why I suddenly thought of weird things for myself. I realized I used to write very well, both in English and yes, surprisingly in Malay, too. "Well", in this case means exceptionally outstanding kind of thing. Those of higher Malay and Band 1 English standard. Unfortunately, I don't use Malay alot, even in my daily speeches to my friends and family. But i do have lots of Malay people around me all the time, number one on my list who's always next to me, my boyfriend. And sometimes even his command of Malay is eons better than mine and my standard of Malay is supposed to be way higher than his considering the fact that I was a Higher Malay student since I was in primary school. And that I scored A1 for that subject for my Os. So yes, I haven't been using Malay much i admit, and due to this ignorance that I'm truly guilty of, the standard of my Malay language has dropped exponentially, so bad, it takes me hours to read the Malay papers and the papers aren't that thick, really. So before I lose my grasp of the English language and crumble in the depths of Singlish, i'm making the effort to not lose touch here.
But honestly, it's not easy writing a blog entry writing in proper English. It makes me feel very lame.
So I have came out with an idea, because sometimes rowers do get bored. An idea that would not only change the path of my life but also to the people around me and the universe beyond our world. That's ridiculous. I'm kidding. It's just a small idea to start writing in another blog or page or tumblr or what have you. To write down proper stuff that people actually read and have interest in. Unlike my blog which I doubt anyone would be interested to read about. Because I realize, you'll never know when you might need to show your future bosses that you have a gift in writing and that you can express your ideas in ways others can't (well, that's if I actually have that gift -lah). Ideas come and go like advice your parents give- you listen to all, but heed only some. Likewise, not all ideas will materialize so I don't know if this idea of mine would actually happen but let's just hope it will. Meanwhile, I just thought I'd like to share the idea with you because usually if I write down my ideas in my iPad which only me and myself could see, no good thing will come out of it. I can conveniently erase that idea I once had and pretended that idea never popped in my head. So now that I have announced my great idea to better improve myself, I know I would not have an easy way out not to do it.
I think. Heh.
Monday, October 24, 2011
a$$
okay so you see i was supposed to write this entry as a comeback for someone's really smart ass blog entry which i do not wish to share here (well not yet i guess, not now) and writing a comeback for it requires an angry mood to set the tone right unfortunately im nowhere near angry at this moment.
im feeling more of BLEARGH.
like a mixture of lethargy and sloth and laziness and procrastination.
nothing of anger. nope.
but oh well lets just see how it goes. let me tell you about my day first.
its 12:48pm.and im at home. AHHH THE LIFE.
i've been home about an hour? an hour plus? or 2 probably? i dont know. as usual, ive lost track of time.
i havent eaten lunch, which explains the inefficeincy of my brain. im hungry but im too lazy to cook up a meal or even order something online. i'm officially one with my bed since i got home.
and talking about my bed, it was infested by bed bugs recently, okay infestation is an exaggeration but i was bitten like a piece or meat on a kebab skewer. when i was in korea, mum called me to say that she'll be sleeping on my bed cuz she has been getting bed bug bites. i think she brought some of those tiny little devils over to my bed! the first night i slept at home, i started to itch, i thought they were mosquitoes but my room never had mozzies! because of that i had to wash my mattress cover siols. stupid bed bugs.
and for the past three nights i have been having problems sleeping at night. sleeping after training in the day, taking my usual daynaps as and when i can doesnt seem to have a problem but i take like 2 hours to fall asleep and it has been irritating me. is this what insomnia is? im worried like hell i dont know why. i dont like my sleep to be taken away by awful disorders. im gonna see a doctor for this today. im a wreck i swear. i can never be free from all these pain and disorders and injuries. from one to another. gaah.
okay so yes, training today was, SHORT. MUAHAHAHHAH (sarcastic evil laughter).
no seriously, coach said, "todays training gonna be short but intensive." and he meant every word he said. MY GOD. although short means minus 2k off our usual mileage, it was really draining, i swear. the sun was being alittle nice today. thank GOD. but the pieces were crazy. Masyaallah. We survived it.
that brought me back to what happened a few weeks before my sea games in 2005. here's some excerpt from what i wrote 6 years ago:
Tuesday Nov 1 2005
one more month and thats it maaaan. i'll be out of this camp, i get to go out wherever i want, whenever i want, i dont have to sleep thinking of training the next morning, i dont have to wake up to train at 4.30am anymore, i dont have to limit my shopping time so that i can report back to camp for training. whoa~ i dont have to sleep with lizards and rats and mosquitoes and flying things of all sorts.
yea, one more month. training's getting more intense. we're suffering alot more to the extent that im actually feeling numb already. we go tru a cycle : train, eat, sleep, wake up, and train again. ahhh!!! am i losing my feelings? my emotions? hah. paranoid.
*slaps*
Tuesday Nov 15 2005
yep. firstly, one more week to my departure to manila. yep down to a mere one week. from 7 months to one week. ergh. one blardy hellish week. hah. yea. get the point dontya?
secondly, trainings getting tougher by the day. but my partner's having her o levels so i will be training alone most of the time. going down on the single sculls. damn. i hate rowing alone. the guys will always leave me behind. ergh.
Monday Dec 5 2005
been there. done that.
yep. the sea games are over. which means. my training camp days are over. no more morning weight lifting sessions. no more after school training programmes. no more bunking out with my fellow rowers. no more of all that. honestly, from the bottom of my heart. i miss it all. yea.
OMG MY LIFEIS ON REPEAT MODE OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
except that this time round my partner postponed her A levels and we'vegot all the time in the world to train in our pairs to beat the shit out of our competitors and bring home a medal Singapore Rowing hasnt won since 1993 ;)
even jo said today, "I've gone crazy about this winning thing."
That's my girl, right there.
CANT WAIT. but all these trainings have been a pain in the ass OH WELL. tough times doesnt last but tough people do, yea?
:)
and since we're on this topic of achievements are doing great things, my friend whom i havent seen for MILLIONSOFGODYEARS recently won a K-pop competition and she's going to Korea end of this year to represent singapore. Maressa Zahirah. thats the girl you have to watch out for. she has inspired me to dream big. and work towards your goals. stories that make you go Awwwww. that reminds me i havent seen her for ages and the rest of the gang. its scary how one twist of events lead to a broken chain of friendships. SCARY.
OKAY. training in about 4 hours. DREAM BIG bebeh. <3
im feeling more of BLEARGH.
like a mixture of lethargy and sloth and laziness and procrastination.
nothing of anger. nope.
but oh well lets just see how it goes. let me tell you about my day first.
its 12:48pm.and im at home. AHHH THE LIFE.
i've been home about an hour? an hour plus? or 2 probably? i dont know. as usual, ive lost track of time.
i havent eaten lunch, which explains the inefficeincy of my brain. im hungry but im too lazy to cook up a meal or even order something online. i'm officially one with my bed since i got home.
and talking about my bed, it was infested by bed bugs recently, okay infestation is an exaggeration but i was bitten like a piece or meat on a kebab skewer. when i was in korea, mum called me to say that she'll be sleeping on my bed cuz she has been getting bed bug bites. i think she brought some of those tiny little devils over to my bed! the first night i slept at home, i started to itch, i thought they were mosquitoes but my room never had mozzies! because of that i had to wash my mattress cover siols. stupid bed bugs.
and for the past three nights i have been having problems sleeping at night. sleeping after training in the day, taking my usual daynaps as and when i can doesnt seem to have a problem but i take like 2 hours to fall asleep and it has been irritating me. is this what insomnia is? im worried like hell i dont know why. i dont like my sleep to be taken away by awful disorders. im gonna see a doctor for this today. im a wreck i swear. i can never be free from all these pain and disorders and injuries. from one to another. gaah.
okay so yes, training today was, SHORT. MUAHAHAHHAH (sarcastic evil laughter).
no seriously, coach said, "todays training gonna be short but intensive." and he meant every word he said. MY GOD. although short means minus 2k off our usual mileage, it was really draining, i swear. the sun was being alittle nice today. thank GOD. but the pieces were crazy. Masyaallah. We survived it.
that brought me back to what happened a few weeks before my sea games in 2005. here's some excerpt from what i wrote 6 years ago:
Tuesday Nov 1 2005
one more month and thats it maaaan. i'll be out of this camp, i get to go out wherever i want, whenever i want, i dont have to sleep thinking of training the next morning, i dont have to wake up to train at 4.30am anymore, i dont have to limit my shopping time so that i can report back to camp for training. whoa~ i dont have to sleep with lizards and rats and mosquitoes and flying things of all sorts.
yea, one more month. training's getting more intense. we're suffering alot more to the extent that im actually feeling numb already. we go tru a cycle : train, eat, sleep, wake up, and train again. ahhh!!! am i losing my feelings? my emotions? hah. paranoid.
*slaps*
Tuesday Nov 15 2005
yep. firstly, one more week to my departure to manila. yep down to a mere one week. from 7 months to one week. ergh. one blardy hellish week. hah. yea. get the point dontya?
secondly, trainings getting tougher by the day. but my partner's having her o levels so i will be training alone most of the time. going down on the single sculls. damn. i hate rowing alone. the guys will always leave me behind. ergh.
Monday Dec 5 2005
been there. done that.
yep. the sea games are over. which means. my training camp days are over. no more morning weight lifting sessions. no more after school training programmes. no more bunking out with my fellow rowers. no more of all that. honestly, from the bottom of my heart. i miss it all. yea.
OMG MY LIFEIS ON REPEAT MODE OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
except that this time round my partner postponed her A levels and we'vegot all the time in the world to train in our pairs to beat the shit out of our competitors and bring home a medal Singapore Rowing hasnt won since 1993 ;)
even jo said today, "I've gone crazy about this winning thing."
That's my girl, right there.
CANT WAIT. but all these trainings have been a pain in the ass OH WELL. tough times doesnt last but tough people do, yea?
:)
and since we're on this topic of achievements are doing great things, my friend whom i havent seen for MILLIONSOFGODYEARS recently won a K-pop competition and she's going to Korea end of this year to represent singapore. Maressa Zahirah. thats the girl you have to watch out for. she has inspired me to dream big. and work towards your goals. stories that make you go Awwwww. that reminds me i havent seen her for ages and the rest of the gang. its scary how one twist of events lead to a broken chain of friendships. SCARY.
OKAY. training in about 4 hours. DREAM BIG bebeh. <3
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Rants
Hello
It's been a long time since I wrote (what's new). I can't say I've been busy, cuz I haven't. I'm just tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
I just came back from Korea like 2 days ago? Something like that. Obviously I've lost track of time. Days are more like whatever is left till the SEA Games rather than what day it is. It's 20 something in October and it's almost the end of the week. Weekends are no more days of the week i look forward to because on weekends trainings are supposedly tougher. I'm not a normal person anymore. I don't feel like one. I shop when the stores are empty, which is definitely a really good thing. But then again, shopping is Not fun when you're not really financially stable.
Yeah I'm not fun anymore. The only thing that revolves around me is training. And training. And training.
I have to cut down on work because training is getting more intensive and also because school term is coming to an end and exams are around the corner so I'm practically jobless. Oh wait. I have my Pt clients but they too have to be put aside because of training. I'm not complaining. Maybe whining, yes. I like what I'm doing. I love it in fact. I love the thought of waking up being able to row. Being able to push myself. But I don't like it when I train and I think about work. The thought of travelling to my workplace, wherever it may be, then having another training in the evening. I don't like training and worrying about money. Whether I have enough cash to last me for a whole month. How much I should save up for my insurance and investment plans. I want to train and be stress and worry free. I want to train only worrying about how fast is my boat moving and whether it is fast enough to win the Vietnams. But work and money will always be an issue no matter how much I want to shun it away.
So Korea was almost perfect. I didn't want to come home. The weather was cold, sometimes a bit too cold, but it makes you want to stay on the water as long as possible. The rooms that we stayed in were perfect. Close to the race venue, close to the canteen, fully equipped, cozy. Life was great for the past 10 days while we were there. Train, race, eat, sleep. No work to worry about. Food was a problem but I survived on bread, cheese and eggs. That's the life of an athlete I want. But good things have to come to an end. And you really get everything you want. I've learnt to accept that fact.
So the pairs came in 4th in our finals. We were 4secs behind e khazaks but I thought we did a good job in pulling away from the indons. The water during our race was madness. But we managed to pull through it, battle the waves and face the cold winds. My singles didn't turn out too good. But that was because I don't have hope in it already. Yes, I should nt say such things as an athlete but sometimes I have to be realistic. Or rather, honest. I feel good on the pairs but I don't feel that awesome when I sit on the singles. It's the thought of having someone else suffering with you that makes you want to pull harder on a pair. In the singles, it's you and only you. I know I used to be good on the singles but I haven't had that feeling for a very long time.
The boys didn't do too well, in fact they didn't race in their lightweight doubles finals cuz one of them was overweight. But I shall say no further because I have come to a conclusion that somethings are just not worth talking or worrying about.
My boyfriend deserve a better partner. That's all I can say.
So it's 2 weeks to SEA Games. I'm looking forward to it. To end it all, make it a good finish. And then, and then, I don't know what happens next.
That's what I'm worried about. I'm keen to look for a job but on the other hand, what if I want to continue training like this and work will get in the way?
And then recently I thought about my Olympic dreams. I want to be there badly, but what if things don't go my way. Do I have an alternative plan? I shouldn't even be thinking of NOT being able to get there but like I said, we can't always get what we want.
With that mentioned, one of the national sailors want me to be her partner for Rio 2016. Is it a calling?
What about work? Omg.
And family? Yes it worries the shit out of me to see my peers starting their own family.
Nadzrie's only 18.
Still a long way to go.
But if it's meant to be then I guess things will go our way, right?
I'm not having doubts about our relationship.
I'm not changing my dreams to be an Olympian.
I'm just worried about my future
I don't have to see 5 or 10 years down the road.
Look at December.
What happens after SEA Games? I don't even have a clue yet.
I don't have a plan.
I think I worry too much.
Let's sleep. I have work tomorrow.
Goodnight world.
It's been a long time since I wrote (what's new). I can't say I've been busy, cuz I haven't. I'm just tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
I just came back from Korea like 2 days ago? Something like that. Obviously I've lost track of time. Days are more like whatever is left till the SEA Games rather than what day it is. It's 20 something in October and it's almost the end of the week. Weekends are no more days of the week i look forward to because on weekends trainings are supposedly tougher. I'm not a normal person anymore. I don't feel like one. I shop when the stores are empty, which is definitely a really good thing. But then again, shopping is Not fun when you're not really financially stable.
Yeah I'm not fun anymore. The only thing that revolves around me is training. And training. And training.
I have to cut down on work because training is getting more intensive and also because school term is coming to an end and exams are around the corner so I'm practically jobless. Oh wait. I have my Pt clients but they too have to be put aside because of training. I'm not complaining. Maybe whining, yes. I like what I'm doing. I love it in fact. I love the thought of waking up being able to row. Being able to push myself. But I don't like it when I train and I think about work. The thought of travelling to my workplace, wherever it may be, then having another training in the evening. I don't like training and worrying about money. Whether I have enough cash to last me for a whole month. How much I should save up for my insurance and investment plans. I want to train and be stress and worry free. I want to train only worrying about how fast is my boat moving and whether it is fast enough to win the Vietnams. But work and money will always be an issue no matter how much I want to shun it away.
So Korea was almost perfect. I didn't want to come home. The weather was cold, sometimes a bit too cold, but it makes you want to stay on the water as long as possible. The rooms that we stayed in were perfect. Close to the race venue, close to the canteen, fully equipped, cozy. Life was great for the past 10 days while we were there. Train, race, eat, sleep. No work to worry about. Food was a problem but I survived on bread, cheese and eggs. That's the life of an athlete I want. But good things have to come to an end. And you really get everything you want. I've learnt to accept that fact.
So the pairs came in 4th in our finals. We were 4secs behind e khazaks but I thought we did a good job in pulling away from the indons. The water during our race was madness. But we managed to pull through it, battle the waves and face the cold winds. My singles didn't turn out too good. But that was because I don't have hope in it already. Yes, I should nt say such things as an athlete but sometimes I have to be realistic. Or rather, honest. I feel good on the pairs but I don't feel that awesome when I sit on the singles. It's the thought of having someone else suffering with you that makes you want to pull harder on a pair. In the singles, it's you and only you. I know I used to be good on the singles but I haven't had that feeling for a very long time.
The boys didn't do too well, in fact they didn't race in their lightweight doubles finals cuz one of them was overweight. But I shall say no further because I have come to a conclusion that somethings are just not worth talking or worrying about.
My boyfriend deserve a better partner. That's all I can say.
So it's 2 weeks to SEA Games. I'm looking forward to it. To end it all, make it a good finish. And then, and then, I don't know what happens next.
That's what I'm worried about. I'm keen to look for a job but on the other hand, what if I want to continue training like this and work will get in the way?
And then recently I thought about my Olympic dreams. I want to be there badly, but what if things don't go my way. Do I have an alternative plan? I shouldn't even be thinking of NOT being able to get there but like I said, we can't always get what we want.
With that mentioned, one of the national sailors want me to be her partner for Rio 2016. Is it a calling?
What about work? Omg.
And family? Yes it worries the shit out of me to see my peers starting their own family.
Nadzrie's only 18.
Still a long way to go.
But if it's meant to be then I guess things will go our way, right?
I'm not having doubts about our relationship.
I'm not changing my dreams to be an Olympian.
I'm just worried about my future
I don't have to see 5 or 10 years down the road.
Look at December.
What happens after SEA Games? I don't even have a clue yet.
I don't have a plan.
I think I worry too much.
Let's sleep. I have work tomorrow.
Goodnight world.
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Bored much.
I know right. It's not everyday that a rower would say that especially on a sunny Saturday morning.
At this point of time, I glanced outside the window behind me and looked at my watch. 1.20pm and it's cloudy. Right. I've been sitting on this cold hard KFC chair for close to 2 hours already. An empty aluminum casing where an egg tart once was being placed, piping hot and smelled so damn good now just staring right back at me tempting me to get another piece.
Once on the lips, forever on the hips. Is that how the saying goes? I'm fat. For an athlete. Well, that's what I think.
Im all alone. At KFC. On a Saturday.
I feel sad and needy.
I'm waiting for Nadzrie and Joanna to finish their YOG thingy at Kay Siang Rd. And I'm bored. So I spent my last 2 hours or so doing absolutely random things like searching for flights to go on a holiday at the end of the year, googling places to go, things to do, food to eat at (fill in the blanks) I don't know. Bandung with family? Bali with Sha? But sea games is in Jakarta! Omg. Back to my indon roots much?
I'm thinking about....nothing. Okay maybe, getting a car? Buying a condo? Getting married and naming my kids?
I don't know what to think about. I don't know how to deal with boredom and I have an iPad right in front of me.
Should I play my tiny tower? But ive already stocked all my stores. Hanging with friends? But I need the combined effort of Nadzrie and Aisyah to solve. Ninjump? It makes me curse and swear loudly and fidget alot so maybe not. Hmm.
I know, I'm thinking about food. About what to eat for lunch. I feel like having pasta. Creamy or tomato? Creamy is nice but fattening. I'm thinking about the dinner I'm going to have with my family later at Novena Square. Some Indonesian restaurant. Hmmmm.. My salivary glands suddenly became more productive.
I'm thinking about training. I have another training later at 4pm. Yes! Another! I had one this morning at 7am OH AND TALKI ABOUT TRAINING! my coach quit.
Yes.
Quit. Like gone. Like berambos kind of thing.
I KNOW RIGHT.
69 days to sea games if you're wondering.
He said it wasn't us, it's the management. I wish to not mention any further.
I'm just pissed and sad and confused and lost right now I don't know what to feel anymore.
I'm not gonna let this affect my performance.
I don't want to think about training. It tires my mind out.
I wanna think about drinks. I'm so thirsty. Sould I get a drink? What should I pamper myself with? Oooooh! Macs horlicks shake! No. Aisyah. You're an athlete. Eat healthy food. Please.
It's 1.36pm. Nadzrie hasn't contacted me yet which means they're not done yet. I'm sad. oh god im such a barnacle I should just attach myself to his back or something. His mum calls us horseshoe crabs. Cuz apparently these crabs can always be seen together CBS ause they're only seen out of water when they're mating. How sweet. Ahhh, nadzrie's mum. Now I'm thinking about her chicken cook orange or red or her rending or porridge. Omg. I'm hungry. No, wait, starving.
I wanna sleep. So tired omg. Maybe I'll walk around. Look for my brother's birthday present. He turned 30 two days ago. I know right. And he's not married yet. How scary! I thought I'll get married before I turn 25 but that's two years away and Nadzrie's haven't even been to NS. omg. By the time he ORDs I'll be 28. GASPS.
Don't think about this don't think aout this don't think about this.
I wanna marry him. I get mad at everyone and everything most of the time after training and I will perangai to him but he doesn't give up on pujuking me. I don't know how to translate those words in English. Okay I'll try. "I will attitude to him but he doesn't give up on soothing my heart? Hahahahahahah that sounds hilarious.
The KFC lady just removed my tray is she chasing me out cuz I've sat here for too long? My bum bum's getting pretty tired too. Maybe it's time for me to leave. Nice talking to you.
Bye!
And I'm gonna kill that Nadzrie Hyckell.
At this point of time, I glanced outside the window behind me and looked at my watch. 1.20pm and it's cloudy. Right. I've been sitting on this cold hard KFC chair for close to 2 hours already. An empty aluminum casing where an egg tart once was being placed, piping hot and smelled so damn good now just staring right back at me tempting me to get another piece.
Once on the lips, forever on the hips. Is that how the saying goes? I'm fat. For an athlete. Well, that's what I think.
Im all alone. At KFC. On a Saturday.
I feel sad and needy.
I'm waiting for Nadzrie and Joanna to finish their YOG thingy at Kay Siang Rd. And I'm bored. So I spent my last 2 hours or so doing absolutely random things like searching for flights to go on a holiday at the end of the year, googling places to go, things to do, food to eat at (fill in the blanks) I don't know. Bandung with family? Bali with Sha? But sea games is in Jakarta! Omg. Back to my indon roots much?
I'm thinking about....nothing. Okay maybe, getting a car? Buying a condo? Getting married and naming my kids?
I don't know what to think about. I don't know how to deal with boredom and I have an iPad right in front of me.
Should I play my tiny tower? But ive already stocked all my stores. Hanging with friends? But I need the combined effort of Nadzrie and Aisyah to solve. Ninjump? It makes me curse and swear loudly and fidget alot so maybe not. Hmm.
I know, I'm thinking about food. About what to eat for lunch. I feel like having pasta. Creamy or tomato? Creamy is nice but fattening. I'm thinking about the dinner I'm going to have with my family later at Novena Square. Some Indonesian restaurant. Hmmmm.. My salivary glands suddenly became more productive.
I'm thinking about training. I have another training later at 4pm. Yes! Another! I had one this morning at 7am OH AND TALKI ABOUT TRAINING! my coach quit.
Yes.
Quit. Like gone. Like berambos kind of thing.
I KNOW RIGHT.
69 days to sea games if you're wondering.
He said it wasn't us, it's the management. I wish to not mention any further.
I'm just pissed and sad and confused and lost right now I don't know what to feel anymore.
I'm not gonna let this affect my performance.
I don't want to think about training. It tires my mind out.
I wanna think about drinks. I'm so thirsty. Sould I get a drink? What should I pamper myself with? Oooooh! Macs horlicks shake! No. Aisyah. You're an athlete. Eat healthy food. Please.
It's 1.36pm. Nadzrie hasn't contacted me yet which means they're not done yet. I'm sad. oh god im such a barnacle I should just attach myself to his back or something. His mum calls us horseshoe crabs. Cuz apparently these crabs can always be seen together CBS ause they're only seen out of water when they're mating. How sweet. Ahhh, nadzrie's mum. Now I'm thinking about her chicken cook orange or red or her rending or porridge. Omg. I'm hungry. No, wait, starving.
I wanna sleep. So tired omg. Maybe I'll walk around. Look for my brother's birthday present. He turned 30 two days ago. I know right. And he's not married yet. How scary! I thought I'll get married before I turn 25 but that's two years away and Nadzrie's haven't even been to NS. omg. By the time he ORDs I'll be 28. GASPS.
Don't think about this don't think aout this don't think about this.
I wanna marry him. I get mad at everyone and everything most of the time after training and I will perangai to him but he doesn't give up on pujuking me. I don't know how to translate those words in English. Okay I'll try. "I will attitude to him but he doesn't give up on soothing my heart? Hahahahahahah that sounds hilarious.
The KFC lady just removed my tray is she chasing me out cuz I've sat here for too long? My bum bum's getting pretty tired too. Maybe it's time for me to leave. Nice talking to you.
Bye!
And I'm gonna kill that Nadzrie Hyckell.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
hari raya 2011
its scary how fast time flies. its already end of august and september's in two days and then comes october and after october is november and november serves as a very important month for me because november is the reason i am not giving away zakat to kids during raya today. november is the reason why i dont splurge on items and it is the very reason why i get broke sometimes. novemeber is the reason why i quit my friggin job. to think about it, i really hated my job. ironically, im back into teaching right after i quit. and it made me consider teaching primary schools instead cuz the kids are more adorable and you can scare them with threats and white lies just to get their attention. but NO WAY am i going to join the education industry again. and yes. back to my november whinings. ZOMG NOVEMBER IS THE SEA GAMES.i know. how scary is that.
i dont feel fit, esp not after the first day of raya. and after a few days of having stupid flu because i was being too harworking cleaning the house (yes. HOUSE. yes. ALONE.) i dont even feel anywhere near SEA GAMES-ready, masyaAllah. its scary! cuz ive made so much sacrifices for this ($2500 a month kind of sacrifices in fact) and if it doesnt turn out well im gonna kill myself. okay maybe not so drastic just in case my future employers read my blog and think that i have suicidal tendencies. maybe i'll just brood for like a few weeks and then jump back to normal BUT im not gonna let that happen. i promise myself that from tomorrow onwards which is the 31st of August 2011, i will give 110% in every training. cuz no matter how hard i train, theres always someone training harder. and no matter what the outcome may be i know that i have given my all and finish my races with no regrets.
aww, aisyah rower is back. :D
thinking about rowing on the first day of raya.
am i weird?
i was thinking alot about 3 things today actually.
1. I CANT WAIT TO GET ON THE WATER. i swear. i kinda miss rowing, i know. the last time i rowed was umm sunday and im already missing it. rowing during the fasting month was tough but we persevered and coach was being too nice I HATED IT. coaches cant be nice. good athletes cant have NICE coaches. ugh. cant stand it. we only completed like 2-3 full trainings so far for the fasting month. the rest were all discounted cuz we were fasting not that we asked for it he conveniently told us to do lesser and gave us excuses like we look tired or we do a bit and it'll be enough. i mean, sometimes when we were given discounts we try not to complain but thats not how professional athletes function. you know what i mean? I WANT TO BE PUSHED DAMN HARD. not treated like a school team rower whose coach says OKAY to every of her needs and wants. okay not all. but im sure you get what i mean, right? :(
i guess i just have to live with this. and do my best. "do my best" sounds lame shit clishe-ish but SHUTUP UNLESS YOU CAN THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
2. they say dont marry the person you can live with, marry the person you cant live without. omg. im 23 and i should be able to handle this feeling better. right? but its almost 10 months since we're together and i still feel like im falling in love with him over and over and over again and i know i sound like a desperate love sick teenage girl but really, i dont care. cuz i almost died not seeing his face for two days. i dont think i'll be back in rowing as much without him. and i guess my only motivation for now to reach my goals is him. NADZRIE HYCKELL HAMZAH. i love your mum's ayam masak oren and i miss your mum's bubur ayam and i love you. even if you dont like travelling and i love travelling but i guess i can live with that. DAH.
3. and this is crazy but the whole day i was wishing i was young again and i wish i was going visiting with all my family members, mummy, daddy and my 4 brothers. but too bad so sad we all had to grow up and live our separate busy lives. my dad has another family. my little brother who looks 30 is in the army. my eldest bro is married and has other responsibilities. and my third bro doesnt like raya much. so thats left with me, my second bro, mum and her husband. but but but i should be thankful i do have a family to celebrate raya with although it doesnt feel as cheerful and complete like how it used to be. today, ive definitely learnt to be grateful. Alhamdullilah.
(yes, i miss my dad. he's still around but he doesnt share his life with me anymore. i dont even know how it feels like anymore having a dad around and especially going visiting with a dad. OH WELL STOP BEING EMO SHIT AISYAH AND STOP CRYING.)
BACK TO MY MAIN FOCUS OF 2011: SEVENTY THREE DAYS.
to the Games.
back to training.
and oh God oh God oh God Im praying so hard that i will get that scholarship that will lessen the burdens off my shoulders so i can focus 200% on training and not worry about work.
but whatever the outcome, i will continue to train so hard and win those medals i deserve.
AHHHHH IM SO OPTIMISTIC SOMETIMES IT SCARES ME. i dont even know why.
im so weird.
k, selamat hari raya. may you have your share of joy and happiness today, no matter how little. :)
Amin.
i dont feel fit, esp not after the first day of raya. and after a few days of having stupid flu because i was being too harworking cleaning the house (yes. HOUSE. yes. ALONE.) i dont even feel anywhere near SEA GAMES-ready, masyaAllah. its scary! cuz ive made so much sacrifices for this ($2500 a month kind of sacrifices in fact) and if it doesnt turn out well im gonna kill myself. okay maybe not so drastic just in case my future employers read my blog and think that i have suicidal tendencies. maybe i'll just brood for like a few weeks and then jump back to normal BUT im not gonna let that happen. i promise myself that from tomorrow onwards which is the 31st of August 2011, i will give 110% in every training. cuz no matter how hard i train, theres always someone training harder. and no matter what the outcome may be i know that i have given my all and finish my races with no regrets.
aww, aisyah rower is back. :D
thinking about rowing on the first day of raya.
am i weird?
i was thinking alot about 3 things today actually.
1. I CANT WAIT TO GET ON THE WATER. i swear. i kinda miss rowing, i know. the last time i rowed was umm sunday and im already missing it. rowing during the fasting month was tough but we persevered and coach was being too nice I HATED IT. coaches cant be nice. good athletes cant have NICE coaches. ugh. cant stand it. we only completed like 2-3 full trainings so far for the fasting month. the rest were all discounted cuz we were fasting not that we asked for it he conveniently told us to do lesser and gave us excuses like we look tired or we do a bit and it'll be enough. i mean, sometimes when we were given discounts we try not to complain but thats not how professional athletes function. you know what i mean? I WANT TO BE PUSHED DAMN HARD. not treated like a school team rower whose coach says OKAY to every of her needs and wants. okay not all. but im sure you get what i mean, right? :(
i guess i just have to live with this. and do my best. "do my best" sounds lame shit clishe-ish but SHUTUP UNLESS YOU CAN THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
2. they say dont marry the person you can live with, marry the person you cant live without. omg. im 23 and i should be able to handle this feeling better. right? but its almost 10 months since we're together and i still feel like im falling in love with him over and over and over again and i know i sound like a desperate love sick teenage girl but really, i dont care. cuz i almost died not seeing his face for two days. i dont think i'll be back in rowing as much without him. and i guess my only motivation for now to reach my goals is him. NADZRIE HYCKELL HAMZAH. i love your mum's ayam masak oren and i miss your mum's bubur ayam and i love you. even if you dont like travelling and i love travelling but i guess i can live with that. DAH.
3. and this is crazy but the whole day i was wishing i was young again and i wish i was going visiting with all my family members, mummy, daddy and my 4 brothers. but too bad so sad we all had to grow up and live our separate busy lives. my dad has another family. my little brother who looks 30 is in the army. my eldest bro is married and has other responsibilities. and my third bro doesnt like raya much. so thats left with me, my second bro, mum and her husband. but but but i should be thankful i do have a family to celebrate raya with although it doesnt feel as cheerful and complete like how it used to be. today, ive definitely learnt to be grateful. Alhamdullilah.
(yes, i miss my dad. he's still around but he doesnt share his life with me anymore. i dont even know how it feels like anymore having a dad around and especially going visiting with a dad. OH WELL STOP BEING EMO SHIT AISYAH AND STOP CRYING.)
BACK TO MY MAIN FOCUS OF 2011: SEVENTY THREE DAYS.
to the Games.
back to training.
and oh God oh God oh God Im praying so hard that i will get that scholarship that will lessen the burdens off my shoulders so i can focus 200% on training and not worry about work.
but whatever the outcome, i will continue to train so hard and win those medals i deserve.
AHHHHH IM SO OPTIMISTIC SOMETIMES IT SCARES ME. i dont even know why.
im so weird.
k, selamat hari raya. may you have your share of joy and happiness today, no matter how little. :)
Amin.
Monday, August 01, 2011
Seven things.
It's the first day of puasa and I'm already dying. Omg I'm so weak and lousy at this omg I should just shut up to save me from all the sins I get my when my mouth opens. Okay let's try to keep the blog post today clean, in respect of this holy month.
1. I'm listing things down cuz it makes things look more organized. Unlike my life and my bank account and my room and my brain. All. Messed. Up.
Okay suker hati kau.
2. Let's talk about training. Training has been meh-normal. Somewhat exciting at times like when my oars got stuck in a fishing line and nadzrie chased some banglas away and we explored new parts of the kallang river. while most of the times it can be a lil bit tiring. Which is stupid of me to say that cuz if trainings are not tiring then I shouldn't even be called a national athlete. I don't mind the lethargy i get after training which is supposed to mean that i have put in alot of effort in training. The most dreadful thing is the part after training when I have to head to work. and then there's training again in the evening. I am not complaining, just stating facts. That's what makes it bloody tiring. That middle part of the day when I'm supposed to be resting but I need to earn some income to support my expenses thus I work and my work isn't those kinds in which I come to office sit down shake leg. I gotta stand, teach these kids how to play Netball or how to play this sport or that sport and scream at kids who don't listen to you and all these expenses large amounts of energy so by the time second training ends I'm as good as a dead cow.
But I shall not complain. Well, I try to most of the time. The rest of the time I just bottle up all my anger and get mad at everything around me, and since Nadzrie is always around me I always get mad at him for absolutely no apparent reason and sometimes I feel stupid and lousy and Im sorry :(
3. That being said it's almost 9 months we've been together. There was a number of times that we quarreled, saying things we don't mean to each other, most of the times me saying things to him cuz I'm ridiculous when I'm angry. Me being the fragile one, absolutely over possessive and insecure and jealous. Oh god I'm such a girl. And we quarrel about the smallest most random things i swear. Like how stubborn i am when i still train even though my knee feels like its gonna tear. But yeah there was this once I was so mad at him for two days and that's a rare occurrence cuz usually I'll get mad for about an hour or two or longest, a whole day and I would wake up feeling better. But that day, I thought I'd sleep away the stupid feeling but I woke up still feeling like shit. So okay, for the benefit of those who share the same bgr problem as we do, here's what happened:
So my boyfriend has a girl crush on this girl who does exist in real life but he has never met her before and she would probably have no idea whatsoever of his existence. And I know there are millions of guys out there who has the same feeling for her. And she's one of those girls who look hot with clothes on. Yes I agree she is hot, no doubt. So hot i am ridiculously jealous! So I saw her photo on his wallpaper and I got really insecure and I refused to talk to him for two days. YES I KNOW IM A CRAZY RIDICULOUS PLEASE WOULD SOMEONE JUST SLAP MY FACE BITCH. Thinking about it, i was stupid and stupid is definitely an understatement. I have no idea how this boyfriend of mine could bear being with me omg. And amazing thing is, he stood next to me all the time despite me being so mad at him and not talking to him. How can I ever not love him, you tell me?
And yes, that girl I'm talking about is Emma Watson.
I know you'd s wanna kill me right now.
4. I'm having a boy crush on Captain America's Chris Evans cuz he's hot nak mampos. But I dont know. I think I've grown out of all this boy crushes cuz I find my bf hotter and I feel like I'm having a crush on him everyday. Am I weird?
5. Okay so I was supposed to go holland for a training camp next week and thereafter travel to Slovenia for world champs but the association couldn't afford because of the budget and so I dont know what's the conclusion now. Right now I just wanna train, become better and win medals for sea games and yes that brings me to no 5.
6. IVE BEEN SELECTED FOR SEA GAMES! which was pretty much quite expected since we won medals for the previous competition. So the team was supposed to consist of me, Jo, nadz and Shaun but Shaun got kicked out cuz he had been coming late for training, then there were some hoohaas about him being booted out and the association wasn't happy with the coach's decision and all that stuff that I'm too lazy to write oh terrible teammate/rower/person but I'm a bit tired now I don't wanna care, for now.
(at is point my stomach just grumbled and it reminded me that i haven't eaten. 2 more hours to buka.)
7.I'm broke its sad and scary at the same time. Sad cuz I'm broke. Scary cuz I'm broke. Okay u get what I mean. Even my savings are like NIL. I guess this is the sacrifice I have to live with. Honestly as much as I want to train I kinda miss working and earning.
I'm done for now. I just hope I'm going the right direction. Insyaallah.
1. I'm listing things down cuz it makes things look more organized. Unlike my life and my bank account and my room and my brain. All. Messed. Up.
Okay suker hati kau.
2. Let's talk about training. Training has been meh-normal. Somewhat exciting at times like when my oars got stuck in a fishing line and nadzrie chased some banglas away and we explored new parts of the kallang river. while most of the times it can be a lil bit tiring. Which is stupid of me to say that cuz if trainings are not tiring then I shouldn't even be called a national athlete. I don't mind the lethargy i get after training which is supposed to mean that i have put in alot of effort in training. The most dreadful thing is the part after training when I have to head to work. and then there's training again in the evening. I am not complaining, just stating facts. That's what makes it bloody tiring. That middle part of the day when I'm supposed to be resting but I need to earn some income to support my expenses thus I work and my work isn't those kinds in which I come to office sit down shake leg. I gotta stand, teach these kids how to play Netball or how to play this sport or that sport and scream at kids who don't listen to you and all these expenses large amounts of energy so by the time second training ends I'm as good as a dead cow.
But I shall not complain. Well, I try to most of the time. The rest of the time I just bottle up all my anger and get mad at everything around me, and since Nadzrie is always around me I always get mad at him for absolutely no apparent reason and sometimes I feel stupid and lousy and Im sorry :(
3. That being said it's almost 9 months we've been together. There was a number of times that we quarreled, saying things we don't mean to each other, most of the times me saying things to him cuz I'm ridiculous when I'm angry. Me being the fragile one, absolutely over possessive and insecure and jealous. Oh god I'm such a girl. And we quarrel about the smallest most random things i swear. Like how stubborn i am when i still train even though my knee feels like its gonna tear. But yeah there was this once I was so mad at him for two days and that's a rare occurrence cuz usually I'll get mad for about an hour or two or longest, a whole day and I would wake up feeling better. But that day, I thought I'd sleep away the stupid feeling but I woke up still feeling like shit. So okay, for the benefit of those who share the same bgr problem as we do, here's what happened:
So my boyfriend has a girl crush on this girl who does exist in real life but he has never met her before and she would probably have no idea whatsoever of his existence. And I know there are millions of guys out there who has the same feeling for her. And she's one of those girls who look hot with clothes on. Yes I agree she is hot, no doubt. So hot i am ridiculously jealous! So I saw her photo on his wallpaper and I got really insecure and I refused to talk to him for two days. YES I KNOW IM A CRAZY RIDICULOUS PLEASE WOULD SOMEONE JUST SLAP MY FACE BITCH. Thinking about it, i was stupid and stupid is definitely an understatement. I have no idea how this boyfriend of mine could bear being with me omg. And amazing thing is, he stood next to me all the time despite me being so mad at him and not talking to him. How can I ever not love him, you tell me?
And yes, that girl I'm talking about is Emma Watson.
I know you'd s wanna kill me right now.
4. I'm having a boy crush on Captain America's Chris Evans cuz he's hot nak mampos. But I dont know. I think I've grown out of all this boy crushes cuz I find my bf hotter and I feel like I'm having a crush on him everyday. Am I weird?
5. Okay so I was supposed to go holland for a training camp next week and thereafter travel to Slovenia for world champs but the association couldn't afford because of the budget and so I dont know what's the conclusion now. Right now I just wanna train, become better and win medals for sea games and yes that brings me to no 5.
6. IVE BEEN SELECTED FOR SEA GAMES! which was pretty much quite expected since we won medals for the previous competition. So the team was supposed to consist of me, Jo, nadz and Shaun but Shaun got kicked out cuz he had been coming late for training, then there were some hoohaas about him being booted out and the association wasn't happy with the coach's decision and all that stuff that I'm too lazy to write oh terrible teammate/rower/person but I'm a bit tired now I don't wanna care, for now.
(at is point my stomach just grumbled and it reminded me that i haven't eaten. 2 more hours to buka.)
7.I'm broke its sad and scary at the same time. Sad cuz I'm broke. Scary cuz I'm broke. Okay u get what I mean. Even my savings are like NIL. I guess this is the sacrifice I have to live with. Honestly as much as I want to train I kinda miss working and earning.
I'm done for now. I just hope I'm going the right direction. Insyaallah.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Of bruises and blisters.
Hi
Yes it's 1 am and yes I know I should be sleeping cuz I have training tmr morning but I feel like updating.
And the fact that I'm still pretty wide awake at this ungodly hour, that's pretty amazing, considering that I am not a night person at all.
Okay so I just got back from doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing but being the most stubborn person ever I went for it and yes it was nice and fun and it has been a long time since I did it but I hate hate hate getting injured from it :(
and I'm not gonna tell you what it is because if my coach ever finds out about this, I am so dead I swear.
and yes talking bout the new coach, we've been training almost twice a day since he arrived last sat. I know Im a full-time athlete and I shouldn't be complaining but it has been pretty hard to stay alive. Besides the fatigue that I feel before, during and after every training (which basically means I feel tired all the time) omg I'm going broke. The part time jobs have been supporting my travelling and food expenses. Anything beyond that is burning a hole in my pocket and it's scary how this might actually affect my dreams.
I know this is crazy but I've been thinking alot about it lately.
I'm having doubts and doubts are not good.
you know. What if this is not what I want? What if I need to work cuz this is not going well for me? What if I have to forgo my dreams to achieve something else? Maybe I won't be the Olympian but I'm an important factor to make someone else be one.
over thinking kills you sometimes.
but it's scary when I actually think of it.
I'm 23.
jobless.
broke.
:(
okay let's not think too much.
I guess I've chosen this path and might as well do my best to achieve something great out of it.
okay training. Like I said it's been pretty hard, both on my singles and the pair. Sometimes I get really tired, sometimes my knee starts to hurt (yes, again :((() sometimes I just lose all motivation whatsoever to train. :(
and the more i tape my hands the more blisters seem to form, my hands look disgusting now. :(
I'm such a lousy athlete omg.
but really, it has been painful.
two reasons for me to push on.
1. the fact that I quit my job for this.
2. Nadzrie.
I swear he has been the most patient bf ever. Withstanding my mood swings and utmost stubbornness and still never leaving my side.
makes me feel like a lousy gf too.
okay so last thing I wanted to say was that I passed my driving test (YAY!!!)
Ok no more stubbornness for now.
Someone out there will be saying to himself, "told you so".
hmph.
Yes it's 1 am and yes I know I should be sleeping cuz I have training tmr morning but I feel like updating.
And the fact that I'm still pretty wide awake at this ungodly hour, that's pretty amazing, considering that I am not a night person at all.
Okay so I just got back from doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing but being the most stubborn person ever I went for it and yes it was nice and fun and it has been a long time since I did it but I hate hate hate getting injured from it :(
and I'm not gonna tell you what it is because if my coach ever finds out about this, I am so dead I swear.
and yes talking bout the new coach, we've been training almost twice a day since he arrived last sat. I know Im a full-time athlete and I shouldn't be complaining but it has been pretty hard to stay alive. Besides the fatigue that I feel before, during and after every training (which basically means I feel tired all the time) omg I'm going broke. The part time jobs have been supporting my travelling and food expenses. Anything beyond that is burning a hole in my pocket and it's scary how this might actually affect my dreams.
I know this is crazy but I've been thinking alot about it lately.
I'm having doubts and doubts are not good.
you know. What if this is not what I want? What if I need to work cuz this is not going well for me? What if I have to forgo my dreams to achieve something else? Maybe I won't be the Olympian but I'm an important factor to make someone else be one.
over thinking kills you sometimes.
but it's scary when I actually think of it.
I'm 23.
jobless.
broke.
:(
okay let's not think too much.
I guess I've chosen this path and might as well do my best to achieve something great out of it.
okay training. Like I said it's been pretty hard, both on my singles and the pair. Sometimes I get really tired, sometimes my knee starts to hurt (yes, again :((() sometimes I just lose all motivation whatsoever to train. :(
and the more i tape my hands the more blisters seem to form, my hands look disgusting now. :(
I'm such a lousy athlete omg.
but really, it has been painful.
two reasons for me to push on.
1. the fact that I quit my job for this.
2. Nadzrie.
I swear he has been the most patient bf ever. Withstanding my mood swings and utmost stubbornness and still never leaving my side.
makes me feel like a lousy gf too.
okay so last thing I wanted to say was that I passed my driving test (YAY!!!)
Ok no more stubbornness for now.
Someone out there will be saying to himself, "told you so".
hmph.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
welcome to LOSERVILLE.
this is gonna be a sad, depressing, stupid, awful, disgusting, lousy, total loser entry.
i failed my driving test.
i forgot how to park.
i swear i did.
i dont know what i was thinking.
i wasnt thinking.
i striked the curb twice and ive never striked the curb before.
i never did a parking wrong.
but yesterday, it was all wrong.
so, so wrong.
lets not talk about it.
boo 10th of may. boo!
im such a loser i swear.
it was hardly 2 mins into the test and i already failed.
i could see it at the corner of my eye on the tester's computer.
IMMEDIATE FAILURE in big, red, bold letters.
its like a in-your-face thing.
and the tester kept on saying, you must practice on your parking.
GOD DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I SPENT ON MY LESSONS AND HOW MANY THOUSAND TIMES I PARK AND JUST CUZ I SEE YOUR UNFRIENDLY FACE MY MIND WENT BLANK AND IT WAS AS THOUGH IVE NEVER PARKED IN MY LIFE BEFORE.
i dont blame you, mr tester.
you were just doing your job of putting on a scary face :(
i was so pissed at myself, the next few stations, the parallel parking (oh yes, i failed at vertical parking can u believe this shit?), the S course and the crank course and the slope was more than perfect, flawless. and yes, even after i failed he made me go tru the whole thing.
and after im done i was supposed to follow him to take my test result but i refuse to go, i waited till my driving instructor came and i cried bucketssssss omg. and he just stood there offering tissue paper. i was wailing i swear.
"MR LAIIIII I DONT WANNNA DRIVE ANYMOREEEEE"
OMG IM SUCH A LOSER ASSHOLE KIND OF THING.
wtf.
OKAY IM NOT SUPPOSED TO MULL ABOUT IT, GOD.
okay so the loser decided to go for rehab yesterday after the test.
okay i take that back.
the girl who's awesome on water but apparenlty not in the car (better?)
has been going for rehab almost everyday.
and im not complaining cuz my knees are definitely getting stronger.
and im aching for like the first time in many years.
painful, but i like.
rehab can be really painful.
ive been sitting on my least favourite machine in the world, the ergometer.
but thats the closest option to rowing on water.
im left with no choice.
i cant seem to reach the splits that i used to row,
which means that my strength and endurance have dropped miserably.
but i have to be patient.
BUT THERES NOT MUCH TIME LEFT TO SEARF AND ASIA CUP.
okay cool.
when i panic, everything is a disaster.
i need to take stress management classes.
okay so around 2-3 weeks to searf. I KNOW RIGHT HOW SCARY SHIT IS THAT.
and i havent been on the boat for 2 week or so.
this is crazy shit.
sometimes, well honestly, most of the time,
i regret going for the surgery,
but to put it in a good light,
this pain, i will remember,
cuz it will make me stronger.
you know, Nadz said,
the first time i raced on the singles, i capsized at the start.
and after that, i became awesome.
maybe it applies to my driving as well.
well, if thats the case, i cant wait to be awesome on the road.
WAH I THINK I HAVE THE MOST PATIENT BOYFRIEND IN THE WORLD.
i whine 98% of the time, i cry like almost everyday, i get mad and angry at nothing,
he's like dating a 10 yr old!
but im not complaining.
<3
DAH BYE.
i failed my driving test.
i forgot how to park.
i swear i did.
i dont know what i was thinking.
i wasnt thinking.
i striked the curb twice and ive never striked the curb before.
i never did a parking wrong.
but yesterday, it was all wrong.
so, so wrong.
lets not talk about it.
boo 10th of may. boo!
im such a loser i swear.
it was hardly 2 mins into the test and i already failed.
i could see it at the corner of my eye on the tester's computer.
IMMEDIATE FAILURE in big, red, bold letters.
its like a in-your-face thing.
and the tester kept on saying, you must practice on your parking.
GOD DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I SPENT ON MY LESSONS AND HOW MANY THOUSAND TIMES I PARK AND JUST CUZ I SEE YOUR UNFRIENDLY FACE MY MIND WENT BLANK AND IT WAS AS THOUGH IVE NEVER PARKED IN MY LIFE BEFORE.
i dont blame you, mr tester.
you were just doing your job of putting on a scary face :(
i was so pissed at myself, the next few stations, the parallel parking (oh yes, i failed at vertical parking can u believe this shit?), the S course and the crank course and the slope was more than perfect, flawless. and yes, even after i failed he made me go tru the whole thing.
and after im done i was supposed to follow him to take my test result but i refuse to go, i waited till my driving instructor came and i cried bucketssssss omg. and he just stood there offering tissue paper. i was wailing i swear.
"MR LAIIIII I DONT WANNNA DRIVE ANYMOREEEEE"
OMG IM SUCH A LOSER ASSHOLE KIND OF THING.
wtf.
OKAY IM NOT SUPPOSED TO MULL ABOUT IT, GOD.
okay so the loser decided to go for rehab yesterday after the test.
okay i take that back.
the girl who's awesome on water but apparenlty not in the car (better?)
has been going for rehab almost everyday.
and im not complaining cuz my knees are definitely getting stronger.
and im aching for like the first time in many years.
painful, but i like.
rehab can be really painful.
ive been sitting on my least favourite machine in the world, the ergometer.
but thats the closest option to rowing on water.
im left with no choice.
i cant seem to reach the splits that i used to row,
which means that my strength and endurance have dropped miserably.
but i have to be patient.
BUT THERES NOT MUCH TIME LEFT TO SEARF AND ASIA CUP.
okay cool.
when i panic, everything is a disaster.
i need to take stress management classes.
okay so around 2-3 weeks to searf. I KNOW RIGHT HOW SCARY SHIT IS THAT.
and i havent been on the boat for 2 week or so.
this is crazy shit.
sometimes, well honestly, most of the time,
i regret going for the surgery,
but to put it in a good light,
this pain, i will remember,
cuz it will make me stronger.
you know, Nadz said,
the first time i raced on the singles, i capsized at the start.
and after that, i became awesome.
maybe it applies to my driving as well.
well, if thats the case, i cant wait to be awesome on the road.
WAH I THINK I HAVE THE MOST PATIENT BOYFRIEND IN THE WORLD.
i whine 98% of the time, i cry like almost everyday, i get mad and angry at nothing,
he's like dating a 10 yr old!
but im not complaining.
<3
DAH BYE.
Friday, April 29, 2011
whats new kan?
how the week i wish never came did come, and go.
well its still friday and the week hasnt really gone per se but surviving more than half of it is already a hell of an achievement.
MONDAY.
okay so i went to the hospital at 1230.
the doctor took my blood pressure. he said it was low. and omg he had to take it like 4 times cuz he thought there was something wrong with the machine. omg, seriously. im an athlete, doctor. didnt med school teach you that athletes generally have lower bp?
the difference between what happened 2 years ago and this year was that this year, i had to wait outside the operating theatre and walk into the theatre on my own! i had to actually walk to the bed where they were going to cut my knee open, lay myself there and wait for them to put me to sleep. it was all so awkward! whereas 2 years ago, they pushed me to the OT on a hospital bed. so it seemed more drama, u see. but no drama this year. boo.
okay so as i lied there on the OT bed watching the nurses and doctors in scrubs walking around probably telling themselves, "sigh, another patient", i, on the other hand, was scared like hell. ive no idea why. maybe im scared of the fact that if i open my eyes after they put me to sleep, i will feel the same excruciating pain i felt 2 years ago after the op. so bad, all i could do was scream and they injected me with morphine. yeah, shit hell scared.
i remember the anasthetician talking to me as he pierced the big fat needle (im imagining it to be big and fat of cuz i didnt dare look at it) into my vein. then slowly i felt warm and heavy and POP. i became koko krunch!
next thing i know i was waiting to be pushed back to the ward.
i remembered clearly asking this nurse if they kept the screw for me.
then i fell asleep.
and i think i woke up again asking the same question.
lol.
no pain. no screaming.
just really, really drowsy.
post op wasnt as bad as i thought.
it could be either:
1. ive been tru this shit so im stronger.
or 2. its just less painful than before.
either ways, im grateful it didnt hurt that bad. and i was pretty okay at night when people came to visit me in my utmost horrendous condition of unglamourousness and ugliness.
oh well.
the screw was horrendously huge.
and it comes with a washer. just like my boats.
TUESDAY.
woke up in the hospital bed on tuesday to a beautiful morning.
greeted by the nurses, served oats and eggs for breakfast.
what a great life.
everything was perfect.
until the bedpan arrived.
i told the nurse i couldnt do it.
she insisted that i do my business there.
i sat on that thing for 10, 15 minutes i dont know but nothing came out.
finally they gave in.
ive never been so grateful for the existence of the toilet bowl.
i was supposed to go home at 130pm but when the physio arrived and took me for a walk i almost passed out. she checked my blood pressure which was ridiculously low. so they told me to stay in bed for a few more hours.
i was awesome on crutches at 530pm they allowed me to go home. woohoo.
WEDNESDAY.
went for my first rehab at ssc as a carded athlete (like finally). didnt do much tho. just did alot of icing and bending to get my range back. doctor said that it would be tough getting me back on the boat but nothing is impossible.
THURSDAY.
went for rehab in the morning and was like 1 and a half hr early cuz mum sent me on her way to work. didnt mind the early morning at all because i miss waking up at 5am to row :(
dont remind me dont remind me dont remind me :(((
i know. im still broody and sappy about this knee shit and the fact that i cant run or row or sweat or lose wt. im frustrated. im sad. im angry. i dont know. im just UGH. u know. UGH. :(
and this weight thing omg its getting into me really. i mean like okay im 61kg now, and i have to be 59kg MAX by may. at least mid may, to be safe, cuz competition's last week of may and i have to get used to be a lightweight. and thats at least 3kg off and i can easily shed these last few kilos off when im on the boat or when im able to run but you have no friggin idea how much it blows me off my tops when i cant do any of them and i try to perspire by exercising at home but omg the drops of sweat that trickle down my skin is like negligible!
its frustrating, really, but i cant do shit now, can i?
:(
and i know i know i know, like what all the oh so famous athletes would say,
"every failure is a stepping tstone to success" and shit along those lines but u know, its not that easy, really.
i mean, ive been tru this.
over and over again.
its just a phase right?
yeah.
it'll pass by.
and you'll grow stronger.
sometimes, im tired of pretending to be strong.
or mentally strong.
or whatever.
you cant be the best all the time.
like what (whats his face- the guy who sang Cannonball?) said,
"even the best falls down sometimes."
haiz. and double haiz.
i remembered getting so pissed off at myself and the world for God knows what reason i vented my frustration on Nadzrie. and as usual i woke up feeling like the lousiest gf in the world. oh God when will i ever learn.
FRIDAY.
woke up at 11am. and you know i hate waking up feeling like i wasted my morning but what could i have done in the morning anyway. cant run. cant row. cant even friggin walk properly. so my mind could have told my body, "SHUT UP AND GO BACK TO SLEEP." possible.
went to driving which was awesome and i missed driving and i cant wait to pass, insyaAllah. and thank God even with a knee like this i still can drive. and omg it didnt rained today it literally POUREDDDDDDDDDD and it was my first time driving in the heavy rain and visibility was so bad but i did well and im so proud of myself woohoo.
accompanied Nadz on his first day of work which I ended up taking over. Im sorry, sayang. hahaha. slowly you'll learn to be awesome like me. :P
there were some droplets of water in my bandage today. it might be because of sweat, as wat Nadz proclaimed, cuz i didnt know my knees can sweat. it might also be because i refuse to wrap plastic over my bandage when i shower due to pure laziness. so i asked my paramedic brotehr to change the dressing for me and it was scary but its all clean and dry now. hurray.
----
and so tomorrow i'll be spending the whole day at a first aid refresher course and my mum keeps on saying, "later who's gonna need the first aid ni?"
and im gonna miss weekend trainings and you know how much i love weekend training.
but i guess sometimes sacrifices have to be made for a greater good, no?
STOP BROODING ALREADY MAKCIK.
thank you liyana for visiting me at the hospital on monday and thank you for the pink daisy. they're still alive, surprisingly, considering the fact that me and flowers dont usually go along very well.
thank you yatay for coming down with the artificial flowers and cake which i gobbled up the next day when i was really hungry, and entertaining me with your daily doses of gossips even when im lying there on the hospital bed half dead.
thank you shaheen and elly for surprising me. one day im on my feet running 10 rounds around the track and rushing to meet you guys for Gelare, next day im on the bed feeling like taik unable to walk even to the toilet 5secs away from me. but you girls never fail to make me smile.
thank you iylia and marlia (i love the way their names sound together) for the chocolates and the advice (i.e. listening to my doctor).
thank you everyone for your well wishes because whenever i feel like giving up hope, i will look at my FB page and remind myself that if i give up, i'm giving up on these 224 people who believed in me.
and finally, thank you Nadzrie Hyckell, for being there for me whenever you can, before school, straight after school, after training, before training, omg. you're amazing. thank you for listening to me whine and complain and thank you for taking the shit i throw at you when im frustrated and angry and thank you for layaning my nonsense when im feeling like shit. thank you for not leaving me because im like this. thank you for accepting me for who i am, being 5 years older than you, being whiny and annoying, being a loser sometimes and i know i can be so stubborn sometimes u just want to cut my head off. thank you for loving me despite me having one really small calf and thigh muscles than another, despite me having bigger thighs than you, despite me having weird watch tan lines and despite me walking on crutches and everyone's staring at me like as though im an alien. thank you for sending me home every night even though u live 45 mins away and you have training or school the next morning. thank you, sayang.
well its still friday and the week hasnt really gone per se but surviving more than half of it is already a hell of an achievement.
MONDAY.
okay so i went to the hospital at 1230.
the doctor took my blood pressure. he said it was low. and omg he had to take it like 4 times cuz he thought there was something wrong with the machine. omg, seriously. im an athlete, doctor. didnt med school teach you that athletes generally have lower bp?
the difference between what happened 2 years ago and this year was that this year, i had to wait outside the operating theatre and walk into the theatre on my own! i had to actually walk to the bed where they were going to cut my knee open, lay myself there and wait for them to put me to sleep. it was all so awkward! whereas 2 years ago, they pushed me to the OT on a hospital bed. so it seemed more drama, u see. but no drama this year. boo.
okay so as i lied there on the OT bed watching the nurses and doctors in scrubs walking around probably telling themselves, "sigh, another patient", i, on the other hand, was scared like hell. ive no idea why. maybe im scared of the fact that if i open my eyes after they put me to sleep, i will feel the same excruciating pain i felt 2 years ago after the op. so bad, all i could do was scream and they injected me with morphine. yeah, shit hell scared.
i remember the anasthetician talking to me as he pierced the big fat needle (im imagining it to be big and fat of cuz i didnt dare look at it) into my vein. then slowly i felt warm and heavy and POP. i became koko krunch!
next thing i know i was waiting to be pushed back to the ward.
i remembered clearly asking this nurse if they kept the screw for me.
then i fell asleep.
and i think i woke up again asking the same question.
lol.
no pain. no screaming.
just really, really drowsy.
post op wasnt as bad as i thought.
it could be either:
1. ive been tru this shit so im stronger.
or 2. its just less painful than before.
either ways, im grateful it didnt hurt that bad. and i was pretty okay at night when people came to visit me in my utmost horrendous condition of unglamourousness and ugliness.
oh well.
the screw was horrendously huge.
and it comes with a washer. just like my boats.
TUESDAY.
woke up in the hospital bed on tuesday to a beautiful morning.
greeted by the nurses, served oats and eggs for breakfast.
what a great life.
everything was perfect.
until the bedpan arrived.
i told the nurse i couldnt do it.
she insisted that i do my business there.
i sat on that thing for 10, 15 minutes i dont know but nothing came out.
finally they gave in.
ive never been so grateful for the existence of the toilet bowl.
i was supposed to go home at 130pm but when the physio arrived and took me for a walk i almost passed out. she checked my blood pressure which was ridiculously low. so they told me to stay in bed for a few more hours.
i was awesome on crutches at 530pm they allowed me to go home. woohoo.
WEDNESDAY.
went for my first rehab at ssc as a carded athlete (like finally). didnt do much tho. just did alot of icing and bending to get my range back. doctor said that it would be tough getting me back on the boat but nothing is impossible.
THURSDAY.
went for rehab in the morning and was like 1 and a half hr early cuz mum sent me on her way to work. didnt mind the early morning at all because i miss waking up at 5am to row :(
dont remind me dont remind me dont remind me :(((
i know. im still broody and sappy about this knee shit and the fact that i cant run or row or sweat or lose wt. im frustrated. im sad. im angry. i dont know. im just UGH. u know. UGH. :(
and this weight thing omg its getting into me really. i mean like okay im 61kg now, and i have to be 59kg MAX by may. at least mid may, to be safe, cuz competition's last week of may and i have to get used to be a lightweight. and thats at least 3kg off and i can easily shed these last few kilos off when im on the boat or when im able to run but you have no friggin idea how much it blows me off my tops when i cant do any of them and i try to perspire by exercising at home but omg the drops of sweat that trickle down my skin is like negligible!
its frustrating, really, but i cant do shit now, can i?
:(
and i know i know i know, like what all the oh so famous athletes would say,
"every failure is a stepping tstone to success" and shit along those lines but u know, its not that easy, really.
i mean, ive been tru this.
over and over again.
its just a phase right?
yeah.
it'll pass by.
and you'll grow stronger.
sometimes, im tired of pretending to be strong.
or mentally strong.
or whatever.
you cant be the best all the time.
like what (whats his face- the guy who sang Cannonball?) said,
"even the best falls down sometimes."
haiz. and double haiz.
i remembered getting so pissed off at myself and the world for God knows what reason i vented my frustration on Nadzrie. and as usual i woke up feeling like the lousiest gf in the world. oh God when will i ever learn.
FRIDAY.
woke up at 11am. and you know i hate waking up feeling like i wasted my morning but what could i have done in the morning anyway. cant run. cant row. cant even friggin walk properly. so my mind could have told my body, "SHUT UP AND GO BACK TO SLEEP." possible.
went to driving which was awesome and i missed driving and i cant wait to pass, insyaAllah. and thank God even with a knee like this i still can drive. and omg it didnt rained today it literally POUREDDDDDDDDDD and it was my first time driving in the heavy rain and visibility was so bad but i did well and im so proud of myself woohoo.
accompanied Nadz on his first day of work which I ended up taking over. Im sorry, sayang. hahaha. slowly you'll learn to be awesome like me. :P
there were some droplets of water in my bandage today. it might be because of sweat, as wat Nadz proclaimed, cuz i didnt know my knees can sweat. it might also be because i refuse to wrap plastic over my bandage when i shower due to pure laziness. so i asked my paramedic brotehr to change the dressing for me and it was scary but its all clean and dry now. hurray.
----
and so tomorrow i'll be spending the whole day at a first aid refresher course and my mum keeps on saying, "later who's gonna need the first aid ni?"
and im gonna miss weekend trainings and you know how much i love weekend training.
but i guess sometimes sacrifices have to be made for a greater good, no?
STOP BROODING ALREADY MAKCIK.
thank you liyana for visiting me at the hospital on monday and thank you for the pink daisy. they're still alive, surprisingly, considering the fact that me and flowers dont usually go along very well.
thank you yatay for coming down with the artificial flowers and cake which i gobbled up the next day when i was really hungry, and entertaining me with your daily doses of gossips even when im lying there on the hospital bed half dead.
thank you shaheen and elly for surprising me. one day im on my feet running 10 rounds around the track and rushing to meet you guys for Gelare, next day im on the bed feeling like taik unable to walk even to the toilet 5secs away from me. but you girls never fail to make me smile.
thank you iylia and marlia (i love the way their names sound together) for the chocolates and the advice (i.e. listening to my doctor).
thank you everyone for your well wishes because whenever i feel like giving up hope, i will look at my FB page and remind myself that if i give up, i'm giving up on these 224 people who believed in me.
and finally, thank you Nadzrie Hyckell, for being there for me whenever you can, before school, straight after school, after training, before training, omg. you're amazing. thank you for listening to me whine and complain and thank you for taking the shit i throw at you when im frustrated and angry and thank you for layaning my nonsense when im feeling like shit. thank you for not leaving me because im like this. thank you for accepting me for who i am, being 5 years older than you, being whiny and annoying, being a loser sometimes and i know i can be so stubborn sometimes u just want to cut my head off. thank you for loving me despite me having one really small calf and thigh muscles than another, despite me having bigger thighs than you, despite me having weird watch tan lines and despite me walking on crutches and everyone's staring at me like as though im an alien. thank you for sending me home every night even though u live 45 mins away and you have training or school the next morning. thank you, sayang.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
23 years of aisyah :)
life has been running on routine mode:
wakeup-train-rest-train-eat-sleep.
wakeup-train-rest-train-eat-sleep.
wakeup-train-rest-train-eat-sleep.
waking up as early as 5am is now a norm to me and i'll feel weird if i dont do anything in the morning. like that day i woke up kinda late- ard 7am (yes, waking up at 7am is pretty late for me) and i went to work feeling shit tired cuz i didnt do anything in the morning. I KNOW.
training has been tough,
not crazy,
not yet.
but tough training is good, it makes me feel satisfied. good training makes the day worth living by. like what Gay used to say "you shouldnt feel refreshed after training." she's right. especially on saturdays. 5 hours on water. woohoo. afterwards, we'll all feel shagged like hell, but it feels worth it.
do i sound retarded?
rowers. have. no. life.
or maybe, we do have a life. a life that noone else can ever, ever get until they become a rower themselves.
oarsome.
but,
sometimes, just sometimes, when my mind starts to wander, i'll be asking myself if i should have stayed as a teacher. what i miss most is that paycheck on the 12th of every month. not having to worry about money. it was a good feeling, but well, good things have to come to an end right? and im letting good things go for something even better! right right right?
i guess.
sometimes, i wonder if im fooling myself.
but looking at how much i improve everyday on water, or on the erg, (even if i dont improve), looking at my weight going down, closer to being considered a lightweight rower (female lightweight is 59kg tops, mind you- which falls under my unhealthy weight range) i guess, quitting wasnt a bad thing after all. i look forward to every training. and of course, with every training, comes the opportunity to see his face. honestly, i dont know where i'll be and what i'll do without him.
yes, him.
the one who brought me back to rowing.
the one who need not shout at me to tell me to row faster or not give up or tell me that im fast or good or awesome because i know that he believes in me- every 172cm of me. :)
(and yes, today at the hospital, i found out that i was 172cm GOD SAVE ME DID I JUST LOSE 1CM OFF MY HT?)
boo.
but what i do know is that my wingspan is LONG! longer than my height! woohoo fast fact of the day!
okay, i know sometimes i feel like a pile of goondoomuthusamy when i get mad at him for not pushing me on or being proud of me, but that would have to be the PMS.
like what i learnt today:
"Its okay if someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, cuz that doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have."
how sweet.
and now that school has started for him, ive been pretty alone. i know im such a loser. coming home from training, lying on my bed just lazing around, sometimes if i feel hardworking i'll clean my room (like what i did yesterday! *pats on my back*), i'm planning to learn how to cook and maybe find another job or two, or maybe even pick up a new hobby like honing my natural talent on the keyboard (I LEARNT TO PLAY LADY GAGA'S BORN THIS WAY ON THE PIANO IN A NIGHT! now its time to learn how to sing + play at the same time cuz my multi-tasking skill is DISGUSTING) and start volunteering. (OMG ambitious much, babe.) my life has been falling in place nicely. sometimes i miss him too much all i wanna do is sleep (do i sound 14?). im broke for a 22 year old but you know, im doing what i love most, with the person i love most and, IM NOT COMPLAINING. life has been good since i left school, alhamdullilah. and i know more exciting things await me :D
and OMG TALKING ABOUT BEING 22 (i dont know- i get excited too easily nowadays) today is my last day being 22. i know theres nothing to be excited about growing old- i didnt say i was excited that tomorrow's my birthday. its just that, it doesnt feel like those good old days anymore when you bite your nails awaiting for the big day to come wondering what your friends have bought for you and get all mad cuz you dont receive as much presents as the previous year. these days, birthdays seem to be just another day when you grow older. thats it.
and really, really, really, im not wishing for anything spectacular. all i wanna do is have a good dinner with my loved ones- my family and you. seeing my family eating together beats anything. and honestly, if there was something you wanna get me, im sorry but i cant help you there cuz theres absolutely nothing material that i have in mind. what i really do want is a Gold Medal in the SEA Games and to recover fast and well after my surgery.
and yes, surgery is on the 25th of April. doctor says its best to remove the screw in my knee as it has been causing me alot of pain. i'll give myself a month to recover, and i'll be more awesome than now. insyaAllah.
happy early 23rd, aisyah. :)
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Angsty Day.
omg its been forever since i updated my blog. been busy, as usual. (wah kerek, serious. cannot take it.)
SO MANY THINGS TO TELL YOU LETS GIST IT IN 10 POINTS.
1. ive been reading my previous entries not cuz i have nothing better to do. cuz my life feels like its on repeat mode. let me recall-
2007: met with a stupid bicycle accident. no rowing for 3 weeks. whining. lost so much weight that i looked skinny like hell. SEA GAMES (woohoo) bronze.
2009: ACL. and growing fat. and whining- lots of it. dah, that would summarize my 2009 well.
2011: acl surgery in 17 days (I KNOW RIGHT OMG) + wisdom teeth surgery. no rowing for i dont know how long. can forsee myself whining. alot. missing training. losing weight. SEA GAMES this year. ZOMG. and and and reading my past entries has given me some sort of inspiration to continue rowing. i mean, if i was 19 and i could have done all those shit, it would be much easier now. right? right.
2. YES im going for 2 surgeries in mid april, 1. to remove the screw in my knee 2. to remove my wisdom teeth. what an exciting way to celebrate my birthday I KNOW I CANT WAIT. hopefully the screw + 4 teeth would weigh around like 2kg so i dont have to worry so much abt my weight then.
3. knee has been causing me lots of pain and tears. been crying for almost all my trainings cuz im such a wuss and a loser. and yes i know im stubborn. I ADMIT IT OKAY. especially when it comes to erging OMG WHY DO THOSE MACHINES EVEN EXIST MY GOD. coach says that the toughest thing i could do is to stop when my knee hurts. he's right :(
4. we have a new club coach who's like 190+cm towering over us like a giant! and his sidekick who's like 150+cm (okay bedek) and they've been helping us alot alot alot. :)
5. OH YES I QUIT TEACHING. last day was on 31 march. so proud of myelf to have taken that big leap omg im crazy i know even raihan agrees. but you gotta do what you gotta do. cant imagine myself waking up doing things i dont like such as seeing some people's faces i dont like. HAHAHA IM SUCH A LOSER OMG. but teaching was an awesome experience. i realised that i cant make kids pass their test but i can make them love me. i miss them, although they may be annoying and ive never really spend a day in school not screaming at them. AND YES I MISS TEACHING. not the other stuff like chasing kids for work or taking attendance or all those shit. just teaching :)
6. ive been training full-time oh yeah! getting so tanned and tired but i like. training for the only thing that matters- that gold. GO AISYAH!
7. I NEED TO FIND A JOB! i know i cant stand the fact that all these surgeries and consultation fees and travelling and eating and what nots is costing me SO MUCH MONEY I SWEAR ITS SUCKING ME DRY. :( okok must not be lazy to find jobs. but with the surgeries coming up and the competitions i have no friggin idea how im gonna cope but you know what IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING bebeh.
8. upcoming japan lightweight (omg i wanna go for this but i have like 5kg to shed in like 2 months, it only means one thing STARVE) so unhealthy siolz. i dont wanna lose the strength. like recently being able to beat yr bf on water feels like the best thing on earth (yes, i know it was slow pieces but still! gimme chance just this once to make me feel happy k?) next competition is the asia cup which will determine if i go to SEA Games or not- how freaking scary shit is that?
9. today, ive learnt alot about trust. ive learnt that you should never do things to others what you dont want others to do to you. always always always remind myself that. cuz karma is a crazy thing, really.
10. last thing i would like to say is that, "if it aint pain, it aint love"
DAH BYE BESOK TRAINING PUKUL 7 PAGI WOOHOO.
SO MANY THINGS TO TELL YOU LETS GIST IT IN 10 POINTS.
1. ive been reading my previous entries not cuz i have nothing better to do. cuz my life feels like its on repeat mode. let me recall-
2007: met with a stupid bicycle accident. no rowing for 3 weeks. whining. lost so much weight that i looked skinny like hell. SEA GAMES (woohoo) bronze.
2009: ACL. and growing fat. and whining- lots of it. dah, that would summarize my 2009 well.
2011: acl surgery in 17 days (I KNOW RIGHT OMG) + wisdom teeth surgery. no rowing for i dont know how long. can forsee myself whining. alot. missing training. losing weight. SEA GAMES this year. ZOMG. and and and reading my past entries has given me some sort of inspiration to continue rowing. i mean, if i was 19 and i could have done all those shit, it would be much easier now. right? right.
2. YES im going for 2 surgeries in mid april, 1. to remove the screw in my knee 2. to remove my wisdom teeth. what an exciting way to celebrate my birthday I KNOW I CANT WAIT. hopefully the screw + 4 teeth would weigh around like 2kg so i dont have to worry so much abt my weight then.
3. knee has been causing me lots of pain and tears. been crying for almost all my trainings cuz im such a wuss and a loser. and yes i know im stubborn. I ADMIT IT OKAY. especially when it comes to erging OMG WHY DO THOSE MACHINES EVEN EXIST MY GOD. coach says that the toughest thing i could do is to stop when my knee hurts. he's right :(
4. we have a new club coach who's like 190+cm towering over us like a giant! and his sidekick who's like 150+cm (okay bedek) and they've been helping us alot alot alot. :)
5. OH YES I QUIT TEACHING. last day was on 31 march. so proud of myelf to have taken that big leap omg im crazy i know even raihan agrees. but you gotta do what you gotta do. cant imagine myself waking up doing things i dont like such as seeing some people's faces i dont like. HAHAHA IM SUCH A LOSER OMG. but teaching was an awesome experience. i realised that i cant make kids pass their test but i can make them love me. i miss them, although they may be annoying and ive never really spend a day in school not screaming at them. AND YES I MISS TEACHING. not the other stuff like chasing kids for work or taking attendance or all those shit. just teaching :)
6. ive been training full-time oh yeah! getting so tanned and tired but i like. training for the only thing that matters- that gold. GO AISYAH!
7. I NEED TO FIND A JOB! i know i cant stand the fact that all these surgeries and consultation fees and travelling and eating and what nots is costing me SO MUCH MONEY I SWEAR ITS SUCKING ME DRY. :( okok must not be lazy to find jobs. but with the surgeries coming up and the competitions i have no friggin idea how im gonna cope but you know what IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING bebeh.
8. upcoming japan lightweight (omg i wanna go for this but i have like 5kg to shed in like 2 months, it only means one thing STARVE) so unhealthy siolz. i dont wanna lose the strength. like recently being able to beat yr bf on water feels like the best thing on earth (yes, i know it was slow pieces but still! gimme chance just this once to make me feel happy k?) next competition is the asia cup which will determine if i go to SEA Games or not- how freaking scary shit is that?
9. today, ive learnt alot about trust. ive learnt that you should never do things to others what you dont want others to do to you. always always always remind myself that. cuz karma is a crazy thing, really.
10. last thing i would like to say is that, "if it aint pain, it aint love"
DAH BYE BESOK TRAINING PUKUL 7 PAGI WOOHOO.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
the CNY holidays.
they say if you truly really love someone, then the only thing you want for them is to be happy, even if its not with you.
---
CNY holidays are coming to end. LOUSY. time flies so fast when youre having fun, doing fun things, like training. HAHAHAHA. omg i sound pathetic but that was what ive been doing for the past few days. train, train, train, but training doesnt feel like a chore anymore. which is a good thing, i think. ;)
other than training, i cleaned my room. SO RAJIN OMG. Nadz was supposed to help but he came only after i was almost done. perangai right. hahaha! after that we went for daddy's bbq and played the dance thingy on kinect which was so hilariously fun! SO TEMPTED TO BUY. but i needa save for a lappie or camera or holiday or umm, ugh. MONEY. that reminds me yet again, still havent submitted my resignation letter (or even hinting to my HODs that im gonna quit) I KNOW RIGHT IM SO GONNA DIE.
yah, so trainings have been going pretty well, ive been running religiously like a mad dog, Nadz calculated that i ran 24km in total in january. oh wait, or was it 40km or 50km? oh shit. i forgot, shall ask him tmr. im starting to enjoy running again like how i used to be able to run 10km everyday FOR FUN. but not that crazy, YET. training on water has been okay, we've been getting materials from the trusted FISA website. no point brooding over the fact that we, national athletes, are coach-less. so we're working on things we can actually make a difference to. so there you go. own training programme, encouraging each other on. whats not there to like about trng, i ask you? <3
BUT BUT BUT, today. omg today has to like spoil the chain of awesome rowing days. today, i went on water feeling like crap, i rowed like crap, wait, i dont even know if whatever i did on water was called rowing but IT WAS CRAPPISH. it was so bad i cried i know loser sia. ok done. tomorrow will be a better day, promise.
3 things which were not supposed to be on my mind were all i thought about while i was rowing:
1. lactic acid on the legs (noone said lactic training was fun)
2. the tingling sensation on my back (i cant decide if it hurts or it tingles)
3. the knee (like whats new)
BODOH KAN.
ok moving on.
yah, its like 1:25am and im still pretty much wide awake i dont know why. and if he finds out im still awake he's gonna be mad. lets just hope i can wake up at 5 tmr for trng. crosses fingers.
okay wait back to my Saturday. it was so eventful i have to spill it right here right now before i forget.
other than stupid trng, (ugh so angry with myself) i went to play touch at nyjc after much persuasion from yatay, as part of trng for our games next week. i decided not to get involved so much cuz sport shoes and stupid long grasses and uneven ground on the field dont go well together. so when i did a partial split once attempting to run, i decided to go slow. and some insensitive bugger who ive never met before (and apparently gonna be my teammate for the games) decided to carik pasal by asking me whether i was serious about playing for the games. its not like i want to be mean, but hey, you dont deserve my kindness. naa-aah. you know what, go find your perfect player for your team. oh wait, your team apparently comes under my name. oh no. looks like youre gonna have to find your own team. boo you!
met the girls at some really dodgy karaoke place at cuppage. and ive concluded that we should just stick to playing sports, really. we dont sing, we melalak. like screech. like that. HAHAHAHA. but it was fun. with all our memek faces and awesome voices. woohoo.
so when i got home, i was alone till like midnight and i stayed up for my parents to come back home from KL. part of the reason was because i was scared thus the lights in my house were switched on as though it was raya. and for the first time in many months, i was actually sitting on the living room couch, watching TV! SO MANY CHANNELS AND PROGRAMMES TO WATCH I SAT THERE FOR A GOOD 4 HOURS I SWEAR and omg i feel so domesticated today i washed the clothes, hanged the clothes, folded the clothes. (so hardworking i dont know why) and the first thing my mum did when she got home was to nag cuz i didnt sweep the floor.
yeah.
told her i have a class agama tmr with yatay at changi and instead of being happy about it, she scolded me that it was too far.
sometimes, i dont know what to say, really.
so you know, i plugged in my headphones and listened to our karaoke adventures (more like listening to 8 crazy girls attempting to sing their lungs out).
oh well.
and and and, this might sound as though ive been spending way too much time with sec school kids but I LOVE HIM OMG. okay bye.
---
CNY holidays are coming to end. LOUSY. time flies so fast when youre having fun, doing fun things, like training. HAHAHAHA. omg i sound pathetic but that was what ive been doing for the past few days. train, train, train, but training doesnt feel like a chore anymore. which is a good thing, i think. ;)
other than training, i cleaned my room. SO RAJIN OMG. Nadz was supposed to help but he came only after i was almost done. perangai right. hahaha! after that we went for daddy's bbq and played the dance thingy on kinect which was so hilariously fun! SO TEMPTED TO BUY. but i needa save for a lappie or camera or holiday or umm, ugh. MONEY. that reminds me yet again, still havent submitted my resignation letter (or even hinting to my HODs that im gonna quit) I KNOW RIGHT IM SO GONNA DIE.
yah, so trainings have been going pretty well, ive been running religiously like a mad dog, Nadz calculated that i ran 24km in total in january. oh wait, or was it 40km or 50km? oh shit. i forgot, shall ask him tmr. im starting to enjoy running again like how i used to be able to run 10km everyday FOR FUN. but not that crazy, YET. training on water has been okay, we've been getting materials from the trusted FISA website. no point brooding over the fact that we, national athletes, are coach-less. so we're working on things we can actually make a difference to. so there you go. own training programme, encouraging each other on. whats not there to like about trng, i ask you? <3
BUT BUT BUT, today. omg today has to like spoil the chain of awesome rowing days. today, i went on water feeling like crap, i rowed like crap, wait, i dont even know if whatever i did on water was called rowing but IT WAS CRAPPISH. it was so bad i cried i know loser sia. ok done. tomorrow will be a better day, promise.
3 things which were not supposed to be on my mind were all i thought about while i was rowing:
1. lactic acid on the legs (noone said lactic training was fun)
2. the tingling sensation on my back (i cant decide if it hurts or it tingles)
3. the knee (like whats new)
BODOH KAN.
ok moving on.
yah, its like 1:25am and im still pretty much wide awake i dont know why. and if he finds out im still awake he's gonna be mad. lets just hope i can wake up at 5 tmr for trng. crosses fingers.
okay wait back to my Saturday. it was so eventful i have to spill it right here right now before i forget.
other than stupid trng, (ugh so angry with myself) i went to play touch at nyjc after much persuasion from yatay, as part of trng for our games next week. i decided not to get involved so much cuz sport shoes and stupid long grasses and uneven ground on the field dont go well together. so when i did a partial split once attempting to run, i decided to go slow. and some insensitive bugger who ive never met before (and apparently gonna be my teammate for the games) decided to carik pasal by asking me whether i was serious about playing for the games. its not like i want to be mean, but hey, you dont deserve my kindness. naa-aah. you know what, go find your perfect player for your team. oh wait, your team apparently comes under my name. oh no. looks like youre gonna have to find your own team. boo you!
met the girls at some really dodgy karaoke place at cuppage. and ive concluded that we should just stick to playing sports, really. we dont sing, we melalak. like screech. like that. HAHAHAHA. but it was fun. with all our memek faces and awesome voices. woohoo.
so when i got home, i was alone till like midnight and i stayed up for my parents to come back home from KL. part of the reason was because i was scared thus the lights in my house were switched on as though it was raya. and for the first time in many months, i was actually sitting on the living room couch, watching TV! SO MANY CHANNELS AND PROGRAMMES TO WATCH I SAT THERE FOR A GOOD 4 HOURS I SWEAR and omg i feel so domesticated today i washed the clothes, hanged the clothes, folded the clothes. (so hardworking i dont know why) and the first thing my mum did when she got home was to nag cuz i didnt sweep the floor.
yeah.
told her i have a class agama tmr with yatay at changi and instead of being happy about it, she scolded me that it was too far.
sometimes, i dont know what to say, really.
so you know, i plugged in my headphones and listened to our karaoke adventures (more like listening to 8 crazy girls attempting to sing their lungs out).
oh well.
and and and, this might sound as though ive been spending way too much time with sec school kids but I LOVE HIM OMG. okay bye.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
sick of being sick.
monday: coughs, flu, and a bad sore throat. went to the doctor, told him i need to work so he gave me meds which didnt cause drowsiness. $50 for some paracetamol, something for the flu, lozenges and cough syrup.
tuesday: went to school for my kids bcuz i wanted to prep them for their upcoming test, but instead they gave me hell. i was coughing incessantly, others would have thought i could just drop and die, spreading germs everywhere i go. my sore throat worsened it hurts to talk and as a teacher you dont talk, you shout. got so mad at my classes for making me shout at them i made them run extra rounds, and this boy from my geog class was still able to ask me to speak louder. rude. he received a good scolding from me for being rude and insensitive. felt feverish the whole day, so i decided to visit another doctor. found out that i had fever 38.3 degrees, and a throat infection, thus my voice sounded like a man which Nadz happily made fun of throughout the whole day. paid $60, discounted $10 for being a public servant, received another 5 types of meds, received MC for 2 days and the first thing i thought about was the test my kids were supposed to sit for on thursday.
wednesday: stayed at home, rested, fever went down but my throat was still sore and there were infinite phlegms in my nose and throat. ran some errands in the day, sick and all, because im just that stubborn. period.
thursday: found out that i was supposed to inform my HODs if im not in school but i didnt because i conveniently assumed that they know i wasnt around.
tuesday: went to school for my kids bcuz i wanted to prep them for their upcoming test, but instead they gave me hell. i was coughing incessantly, others would have thought i could just drop and die, spreading germs everywhere i go. my sore throat worsened it hurts to talk and as a teacher you dont talk, you shout. got so mad at my classes for making me shout at them i made them run extra rounds, and this boy from my geog class was still able to ask me to speak louder. rude. he received a good scolding from me for being rude and insensitive. felt feverish the whole day, so i decided to visit another doctor. found out that i had fever 38.3 degrees, and a throat infection, thus my voice sounded like a man which Nadz happily made fun of throughout the whole day. paid $60, discounted $10 for being a public servant, received another 5 types of meds, received MC for 2 days and the first thing i thought about was the test my kids were supposed to sit for on thursday.
wednesday: stayed at home, rested, fever went down but my throat was still sore and there were infinite phlegms in my nose and throat. ran some errands in the day, sick and all, because im just that stubborn. period.
thursday: found out that i was supposed to inform my HODs if im not in school but i didnt because i conveniently assumed that they know i wasnt around.
biggest mistake in any situation: making assumptions.
didnt manage to inform the school in the morning before 650am because at 650am i was still fast asleep because i drowned myself with 8 different kinds of pills and cough syrups the night before, thus the woozy feeling up in my head right now. didnt set work for my classes either because honestly i didnt know what my PE classes could do when im not around. sitting here on my bed, feeling like shit, regretting the fact that i should be in school being there for my kids sitting for the test, and then i wonder what difference does it make to them whether im there or not. and then it made me realise that i actually care for them and it makes me feel good for a moment that i am a good teacher. and the next moment, feel bad because im not in school, for them. which is stupid because i do have a reason for not being in school, im on MC, i was really sick, its not like i like being sick or i get MC for the sake of skipping school because right now theres no reason for me to fake MC and being sick means i cant train and everyone knows how itchy my butt will get when i dont exercise and ive been retraining myself from doing any physical activity because i really wanna get well asap. i ran a total of 24km last week and NONE this week and i feel so shitty i swear i could go cold turkey from not exercising i'd just die.
so why am i feeling the guilt for not being in school?
bodoh siolz.
job opportunities still waiting for me to pounce on them.
im 22 and wrecked.
i know i enjoy my job but i just dont see myself doing it for the longest time.
or is it just me telling myself that, over and over again?
luvvit.
"roses are red,
violets are blue.
he's for me,
and not for you.
and if by chance,
you take my place.
i'll take my fist,
and smash your face."
Thursday, January 20, 2011
ta-ta-ta-talking bout blah, blah, blah
nadzrie hyckell, if youre reading this, this is for you for "blah, blah, blahing" at my previous entry (which made me not want to display it publically bcuz after i re-read it again, i realised it was full of whining about the same old shit and recently i wonder if im REALLY THAT BORING! like recently, i was filling up some surveys about myself for yatay and like most of my answers were either about rowing, rowing or erm, rowing. omg save me.)
but then again, rowers are boring people. and so are teachers. and im both. woohoo! what a perfect KOMBO! (with a K)
shiats. just promise me you wont leave me cuz im boring, will you?
week 3 of school's gonna end and im still not resigning yet. i dont have a plan yet. NO GOOD.
the rowing asstn is at war currently. rowers VS clubs. ugh, one of the main reasons why it sucks to be an athlete here. the politics, my god. basically, all i can say is that. we're national athletes without any coach and its the SEA Games year. woohoo! yeah, let the world know aisyah, it will put u in a very good position to be kicked out of the asstn! booyah. but maybe, i wont be kicked out, instead get a pat on my back for being so full of integrity. right.
school has been pretty hectic, as usual, with the upper hand people assuming that we, the lower end teachers have all the time in the world for everything! one teacher who just started working as a full-time teacher after NIE said something really inspiring: "if i had known teaching was like this, i wouldnt have taken up the job." well said. inspiring to dodol heads like me who cant make simple decisions in life.
today i was talking to a particular student who got home suspension on the third week of school because of many days of truancy. and i asked her if she had any dreams or wishes of what she wants to be when she grows up and she insisted that she doesnt. i wish i could help these kids see that they still have a chance of changing their future. i wish i knew how to. :(
see nadz. no more whining!
and recently, i went to sungei buloh with the geog kids and we were walking tru the mangrove forest and i was enlightened. yes, by mangroves.
similar to how mangroves adapt to the changes in their environment in order to survive, i discovered that as much as we dont like changes, they are indeed inevitable, so its best if we just accept them and friggin move on.
HOW GEOG IS THAT OMG IT SCARED ME HOW PHILOSOPHICAL I CAN GET THINKING ABOUT MAGNROVES. but think about it, aisyah, you wreck. people change, things change whether you like it or not. so pretty well suck it up or continue sulking about it and die.
and nadz, for the record, as angsty as you are 99.9% of the time, as much as u hate surprises even if its from me, even though u talk abt yog and felix more than how much u talk abt how awesome i am on water, despite friends critisizing us because we're different, (i love being different btw), you're awesome and i love you.
best.
and i wrote big big on my bedroon wall:
but then again, rowers are boring people. and so are teachers. and im both. woohoo! what a perfect KOMBO! (with a K)
shiats. just promise me you wont leave me cuz im boring, will you?
week 3 of school's gonna end and im still not resigning yet. i dont have a plan yet. NO GOOD.
the rowing asstn is at war currently. rowers VS clubs. ugh, one of the main reasons why it sucks to be an athlete here. the politics, my god. basically, all i can say is that. we're national athletes without any coach and its the SEA Games year. woohoo! yeah, let the world know aisyah, it will put u in a very good position to be kicked out of the asstn! booyah. but maybe, i wont be kicked out, instead get a pat on my back for being so full of integrity. right.
school has been pretty hectic, as usual, with the upper hand people assuming that we, the lower end teachers have all the time in the world for everything! one teacher who just started working as a full-time teacher after NIE said something really inspiring: "if i had known teaching was like this, i wouldnt have taken up the job." well said. inspiring to dodol heads like me who cant make simple decisions in life.
today i was talking to a particular student who got home suspension on the third week of school because of many days of truancy. and i asked her if she had any dreams or wishes of what she wants to be when she grows up and she insisted that she doesnt. i wish i could help these kids see that they still have a chance of changing their future. i wish i knew how to. :(
see nadz. no more whining!
and recently, i went to sungei buloh with the geog kids and we were walking tru the mangrove forest and i was enlightened. yes, by mangroves.
similar to how mangroves adapt to the changes in their environment in order to survive, i discovered that as much as we dont like changes, they are indeed inevitable, so its best if we just accept them and friggin move on.
HOW GEOG IS THAT OMG IT SCARED ME HOW PHILOSOPHICAL I CAN GET THINKING ABOUT MAGNROVES. but think about it, aisyah, you wreck. people change, things change whether you like it or not. so pretty well suck it up or continue sulking about it and die.
and nadz, for the record, as angsty as you are 99.9% of the time, as much as u hate surprises even if its from me, even though u talk abt yog and felix more than how much u talk abt how awesome i am on water, despite friends critisizing us because we're different, (i love being different btw), you're awesome and i love you.
best.
and i wrote big big on my bedroon wall:
WAKE UP EVERYDAY DETERMINED TO BE AMAZING.
insyaallah.
lets make things happen bebeh.
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