i remembered about half a yr ago, saying something like,"i did badly for my exams".
i remembered sometime ago telling myself to move on if i dont wanna get hurt.
i remembered reminding myself that all i wanted to do was to get back in shape, to be able to run again.
and im doing them again.
and again.
telling myself and being pissed and fed up and throwing tantrums, venting my anger at anyone who gets in my way, making them feel like shit, and feeling sinfully satisfied with that. i keep telling myself all these things, and the best thing is, i do nothing about them.
this is not aisyah.
GET OUT GET OUT.
i want myself back :(
but i feel so empty inside.
i feel dead like a pisang.

i need something exciting in my life.
i need some adventures.
i dont wanna grow old.
i dont want to start working if this is what working feels like.
it feels like ure damn friggin busy,
but u feel empty.
its ironic,
and scary.
its sad.
sad like how my arms wobble when i move them
sad like how my thighs rub against each other when i walk
sad like how i look horribly grotesque in clothes these days.

i miss being smart when i know i will get good grades without having to mug my ass off.
what is there to be embarrassed about? i got my first D. MasyaAllah, i dont even know how. its not that i dint study for it. i did. its just horrid. how stupid can a person get, seriously?
obviously, it pulled my grades down. ooh sad, yeah. im so unmotivated already. ugh.

and you wonder whats happening to me.
i ask myself that everyday.

this thursday, i will go for my biodex test which will determine whether i can start running or not. im not looking forward to it. today i was walking down the slope at my office which i felt a click. not good. i dont know. im just tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. im tired of everything. MasyaAllah.

and i miss being/look like/ feel like an athlete. i dont anymore. it was SO BAD, there was this rp girl who thought i was more like an artsy fartsy person, not an athlete. its sad, really.

i told you. this is not aisyah.
aisyah is not fair. im friggin fairer than many chinese people i know. when was the last time uve seen aisyah fair!!!
aisyah is not fat.
aisyah is not so stupid get D for her friggin exams.
aisyah is not like this. not at all.

whats wrong with me?

ugh.

i should watch nick vujicic every morning when i wake up.
i should feel disgusted complaining about this nitty gritty stuff in life.

whats wrong with me?? :(