sick of being sick.

monday: coughs, flu, and a bad sore throat. went to the doctor, told him i need to work so he gave me meds which didnt cause drowsiness. $50 for some paracetamol, something for the flu, lozenges and cough syrup.
tuesday: went to school for my kids bcuz i wanted to prep them for their upcoming test, but instead they gave me hell. i was coughing incessantly, others would have thought i could just drop and die, spreading germs everywhere i go. my sore throat worsened it hurts to talk and as a teacher you dont talk, you shout. got so mad at my classes for making me shout at them i made them run extra rounds, and this boy from my geog class was still able to ask me to speak louder. rude. he received a good scolding from me for being rude and insensitive. felt feverish the whole day, so i decided to visit another doctor. found out that i had fever 38.3 degrees, and a throat infection, thus my voice sounded like a man which Nadz happily made fun of throughout the whole day. paid $60, discounted $10 for being a public servant, received another 5 types of meds, received MC for 2 days and the first thing i thought about was the test my kids were supposed to sit for on thursday.
wednesday: stayed at home, rested, fever went down but my throat was still sore and there were infinite phlegms in my nose and throat. ran some errands in the day, sick and all, because im just that stubborn. period.
thursday: found out that i was supposed to inform my HODs if im not in school but i didnt because i conveniently assumed that they know i wasnt around.

biggest mistake in any situation: making assumptions.

didnt manage to inform the school in the morning before 650am because at 650am i was still fast asleep because i drowned myself with 8 different kinds of pills and cough syrups the night before, thus the woozy feeling up in my head right now. didnt set work for my classes either because honestly i didnt know what my PE classes could do when im not around. sitting here on my bed, feeling like shit, regretting the fact that i should be in school being there for my kids sitting for the test, and then i wonder what difference does it make to them whether im there or not. and then it made me realise that i actually care for them and it makes me feel good for a moment that i am a good teacher. and the next moment, feel bad because im not in school, for them. which is stupid because i do have a reason for not being in school, im on MC, i was really sick, its not like i like being sick or i get MC for the sake of skipping school because right now theres no reason for me to fake MC and being sick means i cant train and everyone knows how itchy my butt will get when i dont exercise and ive been retraining myself from doing any physical activity because i really wanna get well asap. i ran a total of 24km last week and NONE this week and i feel so shitty i swear i could go cold turkey from not exercising i'd just die.

so why am i feeling the guilt for not being in school?

bodoh siolz.

job opportunities still waiting for me to pounce on them.

im 22 and wrecked.

i know i enjoy my job but i just dont see myself doing it for the longest time.

or is it just me telling myself that, over and over again?

luvvit.

"roses are red,

violets are blue.

he's for me,

and not for you.

and if by chance,

you take my place.

i'll take my fist,

and smash your face."

ta-ta-ta-talking bout blah, blah, blah

nadzrie hyckell, if youre reading this, this is for you for "blah, blah, blahing" at my previous entry (which made me not want to display it publically bcuz after i re-read it again, i realised it was full of whining about the same old shit and recently i wonder if im REALLY THAT BORING! like recently, i was filling up some surveys about myself for yatay and like most of my answers were either about rowing, rowing or erm, rowing. omg save me.)

but then again, rowers are boring people. and so are teachers. and im both. woohoo! what a perfect KOMBO! (with a K)

shiats. just promise me you wont leave me cuz im boring, will you?

week 3 of school's gonna end and im still not resigning yet. i dont have a plan yet. NO GOOD.

the rowing asstn is at war currently. rowers VS clubs. ugh, one of the main reasons why it sucks to be an athlete here. the politics, my god. basically, all i can say is that. we're national athletes without any coach and its the SEA Games year. woohoo! yeah, let the world know aisyah, it will put u in a very good position to be kicked out of the asstn! booyah. but maybe, i wont be kicked out, instead get a pat on my back for being so full of integrity. right.

school has been pretty hectic, as usual, with the upper hand people assuming that we, the lower end teachers have all the time in the world for everything! one teacher who just started working as a full-time teacher after NIE said something really inspiring: "if i had known teaching was like this, i wouldnt have taken up the job." well said. inspiring to dodol heads like me who cant make simple decisions in life.

today i was talking to a particular student who got home suspension on the third week of school because of many days of truancy. and i asked her if she had any dreams or wishes of what she wants to be when she grows up and she insisted that she doesnt. i wish i could help these kids see that they still have a chance of changing their future. i wish i knew how to. :(

see nadz. no more whining!

and recently, i went to sungei buloh with the geog kids and we were walking tru the mangrove forest and i was enlightened. yes, by mangroves.

similar to how mangroves adapt to the changes in their environment in order to survive, i discovered that as much as we dont like changes, they are indeed inevitable, so its best if we just accept them and friggin move on.

HOW GEOG IS THAT OMG IT SCARED ME HOW PHILOSOPHICAL I CAN GET THINKING ABOUT MAGNROVES. but think about it, aisyah, you wreck. people change, things change whether you like it or not. so pretty well suck it up or continue sulking about it and die.

and nadz, for the record, as angsty as you are 99.9% of the time, as much as u hate surprises even if its from me, even though u talk abt yog and felix more than how much u talk abt how awesome i am on water, despite friends critisizing us because we're different, (i love being different btw), you're awesome and i love you.

best.

and i wrote big big on my bedroon wall:

WAKE UP EVERYDAY DETERMINED TO BE AMAZING.

insyaallah.

lets make things happen bebeh.

FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL.

one word: overwhelming.

do they even realise that im an untrained teacher?
and they're giving me classes to teach on my own.
and wait for this,
omg. they're letting me set test papers and exam papers for the level.
LIKE WHAAAAAAAT. i know.
its either
a) they trust me too much,
b) they're making full use of me, or
c) they cant resist my awesomeness.

orientation with my sec 1 form class went really good, so good that my class won 2 prizes out of like 5 prizes! woohoo! the sec1s are so hyper omg i dont know what their mums fed them for breakfst!!! i know i made a BAD, BAD move by being too nice to them but really. i cant stand myself being fierce. its tiring. lets just hope they dont step on my head too much. they better watch out.

taught my first ever geog lessons with powerpt slides, its like giving a presentation but not graded in anyway and 'cept that the audience were copying notes. hahaha!

and yes, when they say that a teacher's life is like friggin busy, they're really not kidding about it. no way.

settling admin issues, pampered students with 23954012482 excuses why they didnt bring this and that, settling admin issues, paperwork, meetings, lesson plans, SOWs, dealing with kids who just wont sit still, admin issues, and wait, i havent even started on work itself. preparing notes, powerpt slides, assignments, OMG AND I AM GIVEN A TASK TO SET TEST AND EXAM PAPERS. i know right. may God bless me.

downside of all things, i hardly get to train omg and theres a competition in March, we hardly even start on hard trainings, SEA Games is drawing nearer and all they care about is clubs and money? seriously.

and im still fat. BOO.

okay dah. i have a million stuff to do. on one hand im kinda excited, but on the other, im afraid it'll be a temporary feeling and if not sure if i want to feel like this for the next 5 years or so. baah. and theres like a gazillion job opportunities sprouting like taugehs. GAAAH.

im not gonna say fml cuz i love my life and i appreciate every moment of it. :)

and yoohoo an yindian girl started talking to me at causeway pt while i was shopping for school stuff alone. she was like, "wow, u look so fit!" "so are u aiming for the olympics? (referring to my necklace)" "nice to know you! (she said it thrice, shook my hands thrice!)" i know right. FREAKY.
HAHAHAHAHA.

okay lets get started on work! WOOHOO.

hello 2011.

so ive decided to selit (selit was the word for the day on 31st dec 2010) this period of time right now, for some ME time. im giving myself about 20mins or so, put my iphone on silent, close all other windows and tabs on my lappy, shut the room door, stop the music playing from my itunes and sit on the edge of my bed (because 90% of my bed is occupied, you'll find out later on), fingers on the keyboard, ready to type away.

here goes.

2011 New Year Resolution.
what is it. how do i intend to acheive it. and how badly i want it.

1. i will be less fickle minded.
im not promising myself to not be fickle minded at all because i know its impossible. so bit by bit lamer lamer jadi bukit. i will make decisions fast and not annoy people with my indecisiveness. unless its syahir, i will be fickle minded just to annoy the shit out of him. thats what little brothers are for. if being asked "berms or shorts" i will answer either berms or shorts and not give a choice which is not provided like jeans or tights, worse still, ask a question back like "what colour is the berms? the shorts?". on a serious note, if being put in a situation to choose between "money or passion" or "teach or coach" or "quit or stay", i dont know how im gonna do it but like they always say, "follow what your heart says". i know its bullshit when u follow what your heart says because your heart cant speak, it only pumps blood and unless you have a stethoscope you cant really listen to it. in secondary school biology, we learnt that the heart makes a "lub dub" sound. if "lub dub" sounds like "yes, aisyah, you should quit" then quit, but if "lub dub" sounds more like "dont quit, dumbass" then do what your heart says. right? in fact, to make things clear, "following yr heart" is another way of saying, "im sorry i cant help you there just decide for yourself okay? youre all alone now. if you make the wrong choice you only have yourself to blame. HAH."
when decisions are made, i will not look back and regret. fight for what you stand for, even if it means fighting for it alone. awesome.

2. i will procrastinate lesser.
i will get things done asap so workload wont pile up like mt everest at the end of the day. i am going to acheive this by limiting myself to 15mins of fb a day, 30mins max if needed. when doing work, i will not distract myself with other things like planning for my next holiday or researching on where to eat later for dinner. all these can be done after work is completed. if work is not completed then too bad, suck thumb and cry. i will not let work pile up because it can be a bitch when deadlines are near. and i will not let work pile up because im a teacher and im supposed to set a good example. macam paham, i like.

3. i will be awesome at my job.
whichever job i decide on once i've succeeded in fulfilling my first resolution in making decisions, i will be awesome in it. i will like my job. i will love my job. i will not want to exchange it with anything else. insyaAllah.

4. i will train hard.
because i want to be in the SEA GAMES so badly i can die. i want to bring home another medal for singapore. i want to hear the Majulah Singapura play when the national flag is being risen. that means the medal has to be of a certain colour. i will train so hard i'll be so hard to beat. insyaAllah.

5. i will learn to love and trust.
i dont know how i'll do it, but im hoping i will be able to find out how to soon and im praying so hard that when i do, i wont get hurt again. (dengar tu)

6. i will spend less and save more.
i will not buy things i dont need like Havainas slippers. i will save because i want to fulfill my dreams of travelling the world before i get married. i will save up for an awesome trip to Europe or the States after i acheive resolution #04. i will save because i want to bring my mum to places she'll love to go to, like Masjid India, to buy tudung. im kidding. i'll bring her to Spain because when I was little, we almost went to Spain but we were short of cash.

7. i will make a difference.
i am a donor for the singapore heart society but ive never actually believed in helping others by providing money because you dont really know where the money goes to. i will find other means to help the less fortunate, insyaAllah. with that i will stop giving the excuse of "TOO BUSY" to make things happen. bullshit, we're never too busy, only lousy time management. (wah, in your face, aisyah. too much self help books, i see. good! splurging $90 on books at Prologue wasnt a bad idea after all!)

bual sorang siak.

8. i will friggin clean up my room.
because it looks like this now:

its not like im proud of it but really. my bed is just a oh so tempting place to put things on eventually it becomes a storage area! and plus the gazillions of bantals i have on my bed which i dont even use when i sleep omg God save me and my bed!

(did my saham just fell by 60% by posting that photo? hahahaha!) at least im honest! thus resolution #09 is...

9. i will be honest.

no more lying to my clients about not being able to make it for training just cuz im friggin lazy, unless of cuz im really shagged and i deserve a break. but laziness doesnt apply. no more lying to my mum about where i go and who i go out with because i have REALLY BAD MEMORY and lying requires you to remember stuff you lie about. and lying is childish anyway. honesty is the best policy, yo. lesser dosa also. i want to go to Heaven.

10. i will be closer to God.

like what i wrote in FB, because with Him, i know that whatever obstacles i face, no matter how hard, will be possible. insyaAllah. :)

Amin.