things that piss the shit out of me.

1.
life is cruel. dont we all know that already. but life has been so unfair and utterly awful that i cant stand not doing anything about it. something needs to be done to set things right. so apparently from the "oh my! you dont win any money?" comments i received on facebook following the win of my two bronze medals, i have just recently found out that not many know about the miserness of our govt, or maybe perhaps, its just the ignorance of our citizens.

eitherway, its true: THERE IS NO PRIZE MONEY FOR BRONZE AND SILVER MEDALLISTS IN SEA GAMES.

i can double confirm that because with 3 bronze medals hanging on my bedroom wall from the SEA Games, i have yet to receive any cheque from the govt for my wins. what i did receive though, was a computer generated letter from the Olympic Council, congratulating me on my win. very sincere. i am honoured.
sometimes, when i think about it, i tell myself, "stop complaining, bitch. you got what you asked for. you wanted this path in life. so shut up and live on." but then again, why should i let myself be in a disadvantaged position when i put in the same effort, if not more, than the gold medallists in training, and in competition.
come on, tell me which other sport in singapore trains twice a day, 6 days a week, 4 hours each day, and dont get paid a single cent? and dont even let me start comparing to the atheltes from other countries, even third world countries like our dear friends from indonesia and vietnam and myanmar, for goodness sake, receives prize money for their bronze and silver medallists. why cant we? a bronze in swimming would probably be seen as less of a winner as compared to a gold medallist. a silver in water polo would be considered a disaster. but a bronze in rowing, is in fact, a feat. you cant compare rowing to bridge. you just cant. its unfairness in all levels, my God. and what makes them think that by not giving the bronze and silver medallists money, people will strive more for Gold. are these people who set these criteria even athletes?and i truly apologize for my ignorance if they were at some point of time athletes, but considering the fact that they show so much of their appreciation to the non-gold medallists with a piece of letter, it tells so much about them, doesnt it? as an athlete, im sure a thousand other people in the right set of mind would agree with me, we will always strive for the best, for Gold. i participate in non-prize money-medal games like the SEARF and Asian Champs and I will always be aiming for Gold. noone would be stupid enough to not strive for Gold just because there is still a prize money set on winning Silver or Bronze. and what makes you think those who didnt win Gold didnt put in as much effort as those who did. like i mentioned earlier, do you think the Bronze medallist in rowing hasnt been putting as much effort as the Gold medallist in Bridge? seriously?

YES I KNOW MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING. but when youre the athlete who wins the bronze and you see all these hoohaas about the gold medallists and the money they get and you know that you have definitle put in more effort than them considering the nature of the sport that you do and thats not all. later, you find out that your fellow counterparts from the neighbouring countries receives cash although they won the same colour medal as you. if you havent been in that position, then i dont think you will ever understand the pain that you have to bear. MONEY ISNT EVERYTHING. but if someone hands you RM6k, would you turn it down? thats the przie money for a Bronze medal in Malaysia, btw. i just dont understand why Singapore, being a first world country can afford to pay thousands to student athletes but havent gotten the heart to support professional athletes who spend their lives training to bring up the name of the country in their field of sport.

2.
sometimes the lesser you know, the better. sometimes living in delusion can save you from hurt and disappointment. and almost all the time, its better to just keep your mouth shut.

some people talk too much, a quintessential display of an empty vessel makes the most noise.

what i have learnt from these experiences i have gained from rowing so far: champions dont complain. theyre too busy focusing on making themselves better. so some people definitely need to apply this lesson in life, before they drown in their own sea of words.

and really, most of the time, talking about certain individuals in your life doesnt bring anyone or anything any benefit at all. its a waste of breath and precious time. so let these people say what they want to say. i cant be bothered anymore.

---

so yes the three of us (Nadzrie, Joanna and I) got terribly sick during our trip to Jakarta for the Games. it was awful, there was so much of purging and migranes and fever going on even the coach almost lost hope in us. it was the worst that could happen to any athlete competing in any major games. but the best we could do was to recover as fast as possible. and honestly, it was a strangely exciting experience. we couldnt have emerged better athletes if not for that downfall that we had to go through.

and for the record, getting sick is not a sign of irresponsibility, it was a challenge God threw at us to make us not take things for granted, and an opportunity to become stronger, not only physically but mentally. it was this obstacle that we had to pass to test our courage and determination and how much we wanted to race for each other. if one of us got sick and the other didnt, we wouldnt understand how miserable the other was feeling. if neither of us got sick, we wouldnt know how strong we were. things happen for a reason. irresponsibility was the last of all reasons.

3.
starhub oh starhub. why are you friggin irritating. firstly you didnt remind me to renew my plan and charged me for what was given to me free of charge since i ever subscribed to you. then you made me pay $600 upfront telling me that the remaining would be waivered off. and now 4 months down the road, nothing has changed and i still have to pay what i shouldnt be paying for. youre the bane of my life, i swear.

Fear.

It's scary how fast time flies. Today we're already leaving. Monday we're racing. And come Thursday, it'll all be over.
It's scary how life works in ways a human being find it hard to phantom sometimes. Today I walked out of home, said Hi to my neighbor who asked me where I was heading to, work? And I just nodded in convenience not wanting to stand any longer in front of him being clouded in smoke. Then I took the bus and then the train. And now I'm sitting in the train like the other commuters around me, minding their own business, each with their own thoughts inside their heads, each with their own problems and struggles to face in their daily lives. Exams, school, tight deadlines, horrible bosses, marriage, work. And then you thought to yourself, wow, I'm actually on my way to Nadzrie's house to get my bag and then his parents are sending us off to the airport. And unlike any other trips people make around the world, for business, for leisure, for sports, today I am flying to Jakarta for the SEA Games. I mean, for real. Right now I'm sitting here like any other normal human being but with a responsibility on my shoukders so heavy if I'm not strong enough I'll just crumble under the pressure of wanting to win. I am actually going to be in another country representing my nation and being out there to win. And what I do know is that no one in this train's going to take over that responsibility. No one knows how it feels to work so hard for this last stretch. Maybe one or two have had experience being an athlete and playing the game of their lives. But nothing could explain this experience I'm about to gain. I've been through 2 sea games. This is not like a practice paper where the more you do the better you get at it. It's one shot. No rehearsals.
I chose this path in life. I could have gotten it easy to just stay in my job. I could have chosen an easier sport. But who wantsrowing is what I did. Rowing is what I chose. I've made this choice. Live with it.
And while I'm living it, might as well I do my best in it :)

Aidiladha

It's aidiladha and I just finished training. Did a 12k on a singles. Went ok, not good, not bad, just okay. Not proud of myself, not disappointed either. I did the pieces and put my boat back on the rack.

I'm not planning to go home cuz I'm a terrible daughter and an irresponsible sister. I'm a disappointment in my family.

What point is there in appearing in the papers every month getting featured for my achievements and dreams and goals if I can't even carry out my duties as a daughter or a sister.my brother pointed that out to me last night when we had that chat.

More like him doing the talking and me looking away trying not to make eye contact with him. Oh I'm a rude child I admit. But why should I look into the eyes of a person who just slapped me across my face?

Even my dad has never layed his hands on me before and this is the second time my brother hit me. Am I such a terrible person, really?

I come from a dysfunctional family. I'm not afraid of admitting that. And yes I cringe at the word "family". We don't function like one. Well ok, dysfuctionality has its extremes. My brothers don't wear tapered pants have tattoos on their faces as a mark of rank and they definitely don't sleep around making women have babies when they were 13. Not dysfunctional to that extend. We come from a strong background and family history of love and trust but shit happens and everything crumbles one after another. Without a strong figure in the house definitely things will get out of hand. They did. But things didnt crumble too far. Those that left, started anew and now they're happy. Or that's what I assume. And then they're accepted again to this function called a family. I stayed on. Things went down, continue going down and down around me. I went down, I never left but I dont linger. I stayed, I tried. But I guess it wasn't enough.
And I was being called irresponsible and disrespectful and what have you. Its just not fair I don't even club or drink or even touch a ciggie. Im too busy training. Im too busy chasing after my dream. And to them, its a terrible thing to wake up working hard to achieve your dreams. To them, its worse than sleeping around or coming back late smelling of liquor.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have my flaws. Im irresponsible? yes. I dont do the household chores cuz Im not even around. But I try my best to make the people at home happy by skipping training and spending days cleaning the whole house on my own during the festive period. i know keeping the house clean is not a once off thing. but at least im trying. I treat my family to a big dinner because I want to see everyone together with whatever earnings I have. Even my brothers who earn 300x more than me dont treat us but I wont compare. They have their own shit too. But again they think I dont care. Im rude? considering the fact that I used to be screaming at my mum, now I think Im an angel as compared to myself when I was a teen. I've definitely changed.

So what is it that they dont understand?
I quit my job to row. and im happier. loads happier. its not like training is fun and exciting. in fact its crazy tiring and sometimes it just drains the life out of you. but its the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day after i completed a hard session that i live for. and that feeling when the boat glides through the water, and it all comes naturally. thats what i love.
i dont need the newspaper features ive been getting. honestly, its quite embarassing because i havent even been achieveing much. all i want to do is do well in rowing and make my parents proud. then my mum will finally stop saying that im wasting my time and all these brings me nothing. as much as it cuts me deep when she says these things, i can just keep my ears and mouth shut. remember, only you decide what can hurt u and what cant.

yes, seven years and she still doesnt like the fact that i row.
and yes she hasnt seen me race.
and she doesnt know how good i really am.

which i dont blame her still.
which mum would want to see her daughter grow up, graduate from uni and quit her job to do things that dont bring her any future?
i still love her with all my heart and wish that one day she'll finally finally finally be proud of me.

insyaallah.

I've been living in my own bubble. I try not to bother others. I live my life the way I want it to be. I do the things I love. Others talk but if i dont mind it dont matter. They can say what they want but its up to you to choose whether to be affected by it or not. I choose to stay free from all this cheap talk. I'm old enough to decide what I want in life. Everything has been going well. On the outside. I do my own stuff. I come back home once in a while. I try to make the family happy but apparently I'm not doing a good job. I want to try harder but there's other crazy things on my mind right now like how close the sea games is and all that shit. I can be volatile when u provoke the little bubble that I live in. You can say all you want. You can choose to be hurt by what people think of you, or me. But why why why do you have to come and bother the life that I've been perfectly fine with?
Thats what I can't take.

Thats why I finally decide to leave.
So u remember my story about my brother slapping me and giving me that talk before I got distracted with my own sad lifestory?
I left. I dont know if its considered running away because I still love my room and most of my things are still in the house. But I packed yesterday with tears flowing down my cheeks incessantly. Thus the swollen eyes this morning. Packed an emergency runaway bag filled-which doesnt have much to fill with- because most of my stuff are somewhere else already. I didnt want to leave but I cant stand living in a house where they bring me down for doing what I do best and what I love. I cant stand those who talk about others behind their backs but be on their side in front of their faces. I cant stand hypocrites. I can take the blame of being irresponsible and rude and disrespectful because I know I was, still am but not to a very large extent and Im trying my best to change. But with the kind of support system I have at home, especially after I got slapped hard by the person who was never around, and everyone stood and watch and I had to stand up on my own two feet to defend myself, I cant stay around any longer.
They talk about loving me and caring for me. And being proud of me. But all I want to do is for them to just understand the amount of sacrifice and commitment that I have to give for me to chase after this dream. But they cant.
Dont even start on the money issue, masyaAllah.

Im sorry that I had to pack and leave.
I cant let these issues affect my training.
Especially not when theres less than a week left ot the Games.

Im not mad at them for saying those things to me or reacting that way.
Im just sad that I dont see a family in mine anymore.
And it pains me to see how my boyfriend and his family functions.
Thats a family.
They do fight, but theres an extent to where the fight goes.
I just have to accept the fact that mine's not like that.
And will never be. None of us is willing to change, especially not when we're all already considered adults.
I dont consider myself unfortunate. I am grateful to have such a family. At least I have one. And I have a roof over my head, be it at my house or my dad's.


Maybe its one of life's lesson so that we will not repeat this in our future, when we have to build our own family.

Here's my attempt to write well.

Hi!
I have new updates in my life right now that I wish to share with the world.
I've proposed a new rule to myself which is to use good command of English language when I write. I'll tell you why I suddenly thought of weird things for myself. I realized I used to write very well, both in English and yes, surprisingly in Malay, too. "Well", in this case means exceptionally outstanding kind of thing. Those of higher Malay and Band 1 English standard. Unfortunately, I don't use Malay alot, even in my daily speeches to my friends and family. But i do have lots of Malay people around me all the time, number one on my list who's always next to me, my boyfriend. And sometimes even his command of Malay is eons better than mine and my standard of Malay is supposed to be way higher than his considering the fact that I was a Higher Malay student since I was in primary school. And that I scored A1 for that subject for my Os. So yes, I haven't been using Malay much i admit, and due to this ignorance that I'm truly guilty of, the standard of my Malay language has dropped exponentially, so bad, it takes me hours to read the Malay papers and the papers aren't that thick, really. So before I lose my grasp of the English language and crumble in the depths of Singlish, i'm making the effort to not lose touch here.
But honestly, it's not easy writing a blog entry writing in proper English. It makes me feel very lame.
So I have came out with an idea, because sometimes rowers do get bored. An idea that would not only change the path of my life but also to the people around me and the universe beyond our world. That's ridiculous. I'm kidding. It's just a small idea to start writing in another blog or page or tumblr or what have you. To write down proper stuff that people actually read and have interest in. Unlike my blog which I doubt anyone would be interested to read about. Because I realize, you'll never know when you might need to show your future bosses that you have a gift in writing and that you can express your ideas in ways others can't (well, that's if I actually have that gift -lah). Ideas come and go like advice your parents give- you listen to all, but heed only some. Likewise, not all ideas will materialize so I don't know if this idea of mine would actually happen but let's just hope it will. Meanwhile, I just thought I'd like to share the idea with you because usually if I write down my ideas in my iPad which only me and myself could see, no good thing will come out of it. I can conveniently erase that idea I once had and pretended that idea never popped in my head. So now that I have announced my great idea to better improve myself, I know I would not have an easy way out not to do it.
I think. Heh.