hari raya 2011

its scary how fast time flies. its already end of august and september's in two days and then comes october and after october is november and november serves as a very important month for me because november is the reason i am not giving away zakat to kids during raya today. november is the reason why i dont splurge on items and it is the very reason why i get broke sometimes. novemeber is the reason why i quit my friggin job. to think about it, i really hated my job. ironically, im back into teaching right after i quit. and it made me consider teaching primary schools instead cuz the kids are more adorable and you can scare them with threats and white lies just to get their attention. but NO WAY am i going to join the education industry again. and yes. back to my november whinings. ZOMG NOVEMBER IS THE SEA GAMES.i know. how scary is that.

i dont feel fit, esp not after the first day of raya. and after a few days of having stupid flu because i was being too harworking cleaning the house (yes. HOUSE. yes. ALONE.) i dont even feel anywhere near SEA GAMES-ready, masyaAllah. its scary! cuz ive made so much sacrifices for this ($2500 a month kind of sacrifices in fact) and if it doesnt turn out well im gonna kill myself. okay maybe not so drastic just in case my future employers read my blog and think that i have suicidal tendencies. maybe i'll just brood for like a few weeks and then jump back to normal BUT im not gonna let that happen. i promise myself that from tomorrow onwards which is the 31st of August 2011, i will give 110% in every training. cuz no matter how hard i train, theres always someone training harder. and no matter what the outcome may be i know that i have given my all and finish my races with no regrets.
aww, aisyah rower is back. :D

thinking about rowing on the first day of raya.
am i weird?

i was thinking alot about 3 things today actually.

1. I CANT WAIT TO GET ON THE WATER. i swear. i kinda miss rowing, i know. the last time i rowed was umm sunday and im already missing it. rowing during the fasting month was tough but we persevered and coach was being too nice I HATED IT. coaches cant be nice. good athletes cant have NICE coaches. ugh. cant stand it. we only completed like 2-3 full trainings so far for the fasting month. the rest were all discounted cuz we were fasting not that we asked for it he conveniently told us to do lesser and gave us excuses like we look tired or we do a bit and it'll be enough. i mean, sometimes when we were given discounts we try not to complain but thats not how professional athletes function. you know what i mean? I WANT TO BE PUSHED DAMN HARD. not treated like a school team rower whose coach says OKAY to every of her needs and wants. okay not all. but im sure you get what i mean, right? :(
i guess i just have to live with this. and do my best. "do my best" sounds lame shit clishe-ish but SHUTUP UNLESS YOU CAN THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

2. they say dont marry the person you can live with, marry the person you cant live without. omg. im 23 and i should be able to handle this feeling better. right? but its almost 10 months since we're together and i still feel like im falling in love with him over and over and over again and i know i sound like a desperate love sick teenage girl but really, i dont care. cuz i almost died not seeing his face for two days. i dont think i'll be back in rowing as much without him. and i guess my only motivation for now to reach my goals is him. NADZRIE HYCKELL HAMZAH. i love your mum's ayam masak oren and i miss your mum's bubur ayam and i love you. even if you dont like travelling and i love travelling but i guess i can live with that. DAH.

3. and this is crazy but the whole day i was wishing i was young again and i wish i was going visiting with all my family members, mummy, daddy and my 4 brothers. but too bad so sad we all had to grow up and live our separate busy lives. my dad has another family. my little brother who looks 30 is in the army. my eldest bro is married and has other responsibilities. and my third bro doesnt like raya much. so thats left with me, my second bro, mum and her husband. but but but i should be thankful i do have a family to celebrate raya with although it doesnt feel as cheerful and complete like how it used to be. today, ive definitely learnt to be grateful. Alhamdullilah.

(yes, i miss my dad. he's still around but he doesnt share his life with me anymore. i dont even know how it feels like anymore having a dad around and especially going visiting with a dad. OH WELL STOP BEING EMO SHIT AISYAH AND STOP CRYING.)

BACK TO MY MAIN FOCUS OF 2011: SEVENTY THREE DAYS.
to the Games.
back to training.
and oh God oh God oh God Im praying so hard that i will get that scholarship that will lessen the burdens off my shoulders so i can focus 200% on training and not worry about work.
but whatever the outcome, i will continue to train so hard and win those medals i deserve.

AHHHHH IM SO OPTIMISTIC SOMETIMES IT SCARES ME. i dont even know why.
im so weird.

k, selamat hari raya. may you have your share of joy and happiness today, no matter how little. :)

Amin.

Seven things.

It's the first day of puasa and I'm already dying. Omg I'm so weak and lousy at this omg I should just shut up to save me from all the sins I get my when my mouth opens. Okay let's try to keep the blog post today clean, in respect of this holy month.

1. I'm listing things down cuz it makes things look more organized. Unlike my life and my bank account and my room and my brain. All. Messed. Up.
Okay suker hati kau.
2. Let's talk about training. Training has been meh-normal. Somewhat exciting at times like when my oars got stuck in a fishing line and nadzrie chased some banglas away and we explored new parts of the kallang river. while most of the times it can be a lil bit tiring. Which is stupid of me to say that cuz if trainings are not tiring then I shouldn't even be called a national athlete. I don't mind the lethargy i get after training which is supposed to mean that i have put in alot of effort in training. The most dreadful thing is the part after training when I have to head to work. and then there's training again in the evening. I am not complaining, just stating facts. That's what makes it bloody tiring. That middle part of the day when I'm supposed to be resting but I need to earn some income to support my expenses thus I work and my work isn't those kinds in which I come to office sit down shake leg. I gotta stand, teach these kids how to play Netball or how to play this sport or that sport and scream at kids who don't listen to you and all these expenses large amounts of energy so by the time second training ends I'm as good as a dead cow.
But I shall not complain. Well, I try to most of the time. The rest of the time I just bottle up all my anger and get mad at everything around me, and since Nadzrie is always around me I always get mad at him for absolutely no apparent reason and sometimes I feel stupid and lousy and Im sorry :(
3. That being said it's almost 9 months we've been together. There was a number of times that we quarreled, saying things we don't mean to each other, most of the times me saying things to him cuz I'm ridiculous when I'm angry. Me being the fragile one, absolutely over possessive and insecure and jealous. Oh god I'm such a girl. And we quarrel about the smallest most random things i swear. Like how stubborn i am when i still train even though my knee feels like its gonna tear. But yeah there was this once I was so mad at him for two days and that's a rare occurrence cuz usually I'll get mad for about an hour or two or longest, a whole day and I would wake up feeling better. But that day, I thought I'd sleep away the stupid feeling but I woke up still feeling like shit. So okay, for the benefit of those who share the same bgr problem as we do, here's what happened:
So my boyfriend has a girl crush on this girl who does exist in real life but he has never met her before and she would probably have no idea whatsoever of his existence. And I know there are millions of guys out there who has the same feeling for her. And she's one of those girls who look hot with clothes on. Yes I agree she is hot, no doubt. So hot i am ridiculously jealous! So I saw her photo on his wallpaper and I got really insecure and I refused to talk to him for two days. YES I KNOW IM A CRAZY RIDICULOUS PLEASE WOULD SOMEONE JUST SLAP MY FACE BITCH. Thinking about it, i was stupid and stupid is definitely an understatement. I have no idea how this boyfriend of mine could bear being with me omg. And amazing thing is, he stood next to me all the time despite me being so mad at him and not talking to him. How can I ever not love him, you tell me?
And yes, that girl I'm talking about is Emma Watson.
I know you'd s wanna kill me right now.
4. I'm having a boy crush on Captain America's Chris Evans cuz he's hot nak mampos. But I dont know. I think I've grown out of all this boy crushes cuz I find my bf hotter and I feel like I'm having a crush on him everyday. Am I weird?
5. Okay so I was supposed to go holland for a training camp next week and thereafter travel to Slovenia for world champs but the association couldn't afford because of the budget and so I dont know what's the conclusion now. Right now I just wanna train, become better and win medals for sea games and yes that brings me to no 5.
6. IVE BEEN SELECTED FOR SEA GAMES! which was pretty much quite expected since we won medals for the previous competition. So the team was supposed to consist of me, Jo, nadz and Shaun but Shaun got kicked out cuz he had been coming late for training, then there were some hoohaas about him being booted out and the association wasn't happy with the coach's decision and all that stuff that I'm too lazy to write oh terrible teammate/rower/person but I'm a bit tired now I don't wanna care, for now.
(at is point my stomach just grumbled and it reminded me that i haven't eaten. 2 more hours to buka.)
7.I'm broke its sad and scary at the same time. Sad cuz I'm broke. Scary cuz I'm broke. Okay u get what I mean. Even my savings are like NIL. I guess this is the sacrifice I have to live with. Honestly as much as I want to train I kinda miss working and earning.
I'm done for now. I just hope I'm going the right direction. Insyaallah.