i have never really thought i had to go through this.

• change my laptop background
• move our pictures to "thepast" folder
• take down our photos hanging on my room wall and on my study table
• put all the stuff uve given me into THE box
• write you a hate email
• change my status in fb
• waking up another day knowing that youre not there, and will never be there ever again.

1st january 2009.

new year? yes.

happy? certainly not.

izzat and i are officially over. nothing to celebrate about. certainly nothing i expected. but what has to be done was done. it looks so easy, sounds so simple. you hate me, you dont like me, you think we cant be together, you lost faith and hope in us, you bloody tell me.

but no. you chose to deal with it the hard way. and gave not only me a hard time but yourself as well.

you cheat on me. you lied. and lied. and lied. to me, to your best friend, to your mum, to my mum. you hurt me. so, so bad. so bad, i cried for days. until i felt numb. and was out of tears. you disgust me, i cant even eat.

you told me to change for you, for myself, for the better. and i tried. i did. but you didnt. you never did. you cheated on your ex, and now on me. you went out with a girl, brought her to places you promised to bring me, watched a movie with her you told me you wanted to watch with me. you lied. you filthy liar.

how do you even look at yourself in the mirror after what you've done?

arent you ashamed of yourself?

you should be.

you're a coward, weakling, you cant stand up for the ones you love. if i were rich i'll send you to a plastic surgeon and tell him to attach some balls to you. you need them, seriously. but sorry im not rich. so you gotta find them yourselves. i heard city hall sells them. which one do you prefer, "jerk" or "bastard"?

im not sad anymore that we're together. im just so angry. and hurt. im so angry i could give u double kick where your balls should be and sucker punch on the face. but what do i get by hurting you? i dont get satisfaction by hurting someone. im not like you. or maybe, i dont purposely hurt someone to make him or her hate me. i dont hate.

what did the 10 months mean to you? was i a playtoy you found, something to keep you company and loved when u need it and throw away when u find something better or got bored? then why the fark did u do that to me?

i never did lie to you. maybe one or two white lies like i told you i ate dinner when i actually didnt. and like i told you i watched cartoons when it was actually sappy indo dramas. i loved you, stupidly, so much. they said,

"love like theres no tomorrow. dance like theres noone watching."

and i did and this is what i get in return of my faithfulness and undying love. idiot.

and fark. we just came back from bintan, we just celebrated our 10th month and your farking birthday. didnt you think of all that before you did what you did? do you even think?

then whats the point of going to RI for 4 years and still not being able to think. or only think at certain times and do stupid things when not thinking.

if i had lied to you or cheated you or hurt you in any way possible, i would have understood why you did what you did but faaark. i hadnt.

and what if i hadnt found out that you cheated on me? would you have hid it from everyone, keep lying to the people around you, lying to yourself, and think you could get away with it?

and like i said and will always tell you,

change yourself, before you change others.

now leave.