strange.

im getting this odd feeling inside of me.
i feel like i just wanna burst into tears for no particular reason, or probably for many reasons but i just refuse to acknowledge them.
i dont know if im under stressed or underperforming. theres no worf-rate monitor that i strap around my heart and brain to tell me whether im working too hard, or too little.
im in this confused state of mind. and my body is feeling the same way too. im feeling many feelings and theyre all vying with each other to be the one i display, whether in appearance, or in behaviour.
like this morning, i felt fresh and awake. i jumped out of bed, thanking God for letting me live another day in this world, grateful that I did not wake up late. then in the bus, i felt tired and omglyness sleepy. i didnt care if my mouth was wide open or if i was drooling as long as i have my sleep in the bus.
now at work, i felt drained. theres a list of things that i have to do, whether its work-related, life-related or not related to anything at all. and this list is increasing by the day, by the hour.
my little bleeps of happiness happen when i flash out my THICK RED MARKER and draw a line across the points in this list.
but adding more points to the list > checking the points in the list
and yet, im still here updating my blog amidst the stacks of paperwork i have to complete.
i feel helpless. like a lifeless soul, travelling from home to work to training and back home. it feels like a routine. i dont like routine, except when routine develops me better. like rowing. i dont mind routine in rowing. it makes me faster, better, stronger. routine at work is just brain damaging. its supposed to develop me as a person, but i dont feel myself developing into a better being. if developing eye bags, migranes and developing hatred for routine work counts as development, then maybe its wrong for me to say that work doesnt develop me.
work.
theres like a million things to do at work, a gazillion things to know. i dont even know if my brain has this much capacity to store each and every single thing. i dont even know when it has reached its limit. or whether its limit has been reached 10 years ago without me realizing it.
like i always remind myself, i like my job. but i love my sport.
tough love.
and this rowing thing, omg. omg. omg.
things have gone from bad to worse. actually, things havent changed much. its not getting worse. it has just been like that.
10 years. and this will be the third time im going tru this cycle of BULLSHIT. it starts of with having a grp of athletes to train for a major games, whether the athletes win in competition or not, there will be no coach, and theres no solution to that (which is sad cuz theres at least 10 minds thinking together and not one can come out with a solution). and then theres the stage where the athletes voice out their opinion, and their opinion will always get stepped on and smashed like a potato. and finally, tired of being the antagonist, the athlete leaves and a new batch of athletes step in. and the cycle repeats.
no growth, no development. only bullshit.
im an expert in this theory, ive been tru it twice and going tru it currently for the third time now.
you know what i feel like doing now?
just take all my money, and go far far away, like to new zealand, or spain or the alps or nepal or something. somewhere noone can find me. i just wanna be away from all these bullshits in life.
haiz.
in less than a month, im gonna leave for korea, which i havent told my big boss about and i dont know if he'll allow me to go. im in deep shit i know. what to do, my life has been revolving around bull shit.

gaaah. the air con in the office is making my skin so dry i dont like it. :(

life, why are you so mean to me? :(