random thoughts.

0. awful week deserves a zero.
1. i fell down the stairs in NUS. thank God i fell on my bum instead of my knees. but i attempted to break the fall with my injured knee, thats why it was throbbing since that day. when i fell, i dint know what to do so i cried. i feel stupid, but it was painful :(
2. an old lady gave up her seat to me in the train, i refused and thanked her. others pretend i didnt exist, there's money on the floor, and have the sudden urge to sleep when i enter the cabin.
3. there's so much work to do and i havent started studying/revising/catching up. 3 weeks of MC is over. life just ended. or just began. ho ho. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH WORK IVE NOT DONE. u dont wanna know, even i refuse to know.
4. this is stupid but sometimes, i hate being alone.
and sometimes, i wanna be alone.
okay honestly, most of the time, i dont know what i want.
5. why am i so freakin emo.
6. ive never seen jesse mccartney before until i checked out his "how do you sleep" vid.
and i think he's cute.
7. i shall stay away from knee length skirts until i get my calf muscles back on my injured leg.
8. i havent ran for almost 4 months now.
9. i wanna go far far away this hols, i need a travel buddy, quick apply!
10. i secretly wish next year's freshmen guys are HOT CUTE and NICE. not secret anymore. i dont care. i'll be damn pissed if i have no eye candy next year. wait, ive never had one in NUS before. and hello my standards are not so high, seriously guys, where are they?
11. its been a long time since im allowed to oogle google again. i feel like, im too old to do such things.
12. i dont wanna turn 21 :(

MasyaAllah I don’t think I can take it anymore.

Ive got to tell you the truth.

I cry myself to sleep every single night, since Sunday. Every single night, MasyaAllah. Sometimes, I think too much, sometimes I don’t think, sometimes I just feel like crying because it hurts so deep inside, and sometimes I cry and cry, I forgot what im even crying about. MasyaAllah.

I pray all the time that God will take this pain away from me. I trust that He will, but I’ve never been so hurt for this long before. I don’t know why I even let myself get hurt. They say I must be strong, I’ll pull through this. But its so much harder than I thought. I pray to God to give me strength, for me to overcome these challenges. But why do I always feel as though the worlds coming down on me at the end of the day? Whats happening to me?

I woke up on a beautiful Sunday morning, getting a call from someone who hardly knows me, and tells me that she doesn’t like me. Someone who changed my entire life, and since that call, and since that day, my heart was never calm.

After we broke up, you promised to work on us again. I’ve always believed in us, I thought we could always work things out. It has to take two to make us stronger. Then I found out that Im the only one keeping things together between us cuz YOU GAVE UP. You took everything away from me, cuz u were my everything.

Other than getting my knee cut open, and my toenail ripped off by bicycle gears, the next most painful thing in the world is to know that someone you love, don’t love you back the same, and wont stand up for you.

I don’t know why it hurts so much. Maybe youre right, I loved you too much. Is it wrong to love someone wholeheartedly?

Life is cruel, I know. One day you feel like you’re on the top of the world, and the next day, you’re down in the drains. I tell myself every freaking day that Im gonna pick myself up and bloody move on. But MasyaAllah, why am I not doing it?

---

I was off crutches since last Friday. Today marks the 2nd week since my surgery. My extension and flexion have been fairly okay. Ive been going for rehab and physio almost everyday. The doctor took off my stitches today and let me keep the stitch.

I’ve gotta thank adeel and rauf for sending me to rehab so that I could save on cab fare. I spent more than a hundred bucks on cab fares alone last week. I braved the bus alone on Tuesday during the evening peak hour, and the train during the morning peak on Wednesday and today. On Wednesday, an ang moh gave up his seat to me but today, No one gave up their seat. Compassionate society, no?

This knee injury have had brought me thinking about so many things. That’s why I can spend hours just lying on the bed thinking, not sleeping, not doing anything else but just staring into space. Ive been thinking about how much ive taken my leg for granted. I realised that NUS is bloody inaccessible and non-user friendly for the handicapped. I know im bogged down by the million and one things my friends are going tru; paintball, Frisbee, netball, silat friendlies, wakeboarding, what not. I get pissed knowing that they choose to go without me. I get really angry and worked up I start thinking about how caring my friends are. Making me regret going for surgery because its painful and it will take a year for me to go back to do sports.
Then, I feel stupid. I cant be bloody selfish. Doesn’t mean I cant do these activities I have to stop my friends from doing them. But sometimes, I just cant help it. Like receiving daily updates about the NTU-NUS silat friendly tomorrow. As much as I wanna know whats going on in silat, I wished they dint tell me. :(

Its like rubbing the knee brace in my face. You’re injured, bitch. Wake up.

one thing after another. i dont know how much i can take before i give up myself.

post op 3

yesterday was one of the most painful days after the surgery.

i hated yesterday. yesterday made me not want to walk anymore. yesterday sucks.
go pee on yesterday. :(

rauf picked me up in the morning and drove me to sports council (thanks, rauf- 2 CIP hours awarded). i dont know what other ways there are to thank all these people who have helped me. all i could do now is thank them.

jangan emo momok pls. the day just started.

okay then hor rehab/physio was awful, awful, awful :( if children are scared of the dentist but they're forced to go visit the dentist, im scared of physio. i dont like it. physio is like cod liver oil- you know it sucks, its awful and it leaves a stupid taste in ur mouth, but its good for you. physio is just like that.

my knee flexion improved tremendously. i achieved 92 degrees flexion but my extension is baaadd. it was 10 degrees off so my physio had to press press press my shin downwards. tahan tahan tahan. and that only made it 3 degrees better. im about 7 degrees off still. more pressing today :(

if you dont know shit what im talking about, dont bother. be thankful u can straighten your knee.

then my physio took away one of my crutches, so now i have to walk on one. i was so scared to take a step but after so much of pysching up myself i managed to put more weight on my leg. it was painful but the feeling of being able to walk was great. Alhamdullilah.

so i spent close to 4 hours learning how to walk again.

izzat picked me up and we went to smu where i waited for arab class. my leg felt bruised and weak and tired. it was painful. and u can do nothing about it.

i attempted to study at smu but it was just so uncomfortable i couldnt concentrate. my leg was throbbing in pain. i had to shift it regularly so it wouldnt go numb and it sucks if theres semut semut. talking about insects- bloody hell. i swear i hate cockroaches. and smu t junct is filled with them. shit.

i was studying when i felt something wriggling on my feet. SHIT YUCKS ERGH EWWW BLUEK. i shook it off i thought it was a spider then i saw a cockroach crawling out of my shoe. YUUUCKYUCKYUCKYUCKYUCK! it was small but the feelers were long and disgusting and it was just GROSS GROSS GROSS. GROSS.

i couldnt run away so i screamed. then it ran away and i had this most uncomfortable, grossest, stupid feeling in the world for the next hour or so. YUCKS. i hate cockroaches. to hell with them.

then then then as i was walking to arab class, i had to leave first cuz i know ill take forever to walk there. i have walked that walkway for more than a year, okay bedek, for the longest time, ive seen the smu rugby boys train there, muay thai train, but yesterday, while i was walking, of all the days in the world, all the time in the day, of all the people walking along that walkway, the rugby ball rolled and rolled and bounced and happily almost hit me. OMG. i can make my own story of a series of unfortunate events. seriously.

and arab class was good, my writing and vocab improved without any effort put in. i think my brain's starting to work more to compensate for the lack of use of leg. but towards the end of class, my leg, cuz i put in on the floor and blood flows to the wound, it started to twitch and ache and whatever lah the stupid leg then when class ended and i was going to walk again it hurts so much so so so much i cant take it i cried and cried and cried. izzat made fun of me. i know its funny how i walk but its not funny when im the one feeling the pain :(

cab fare home : $20 rip off. :(

thanks, izzat. a lifetime of CIP hours for you. but minus off some because u made fun of me and made me cry, twice.

this morning, i dint wanna wake up cuz waking up means i have to go physio again. (then i was wondering when am i gonna do my work? haiz.) so i was doing my morning exercise something new steve taught me yest, it looked something like this:

the red line represent the tetra band (is that what they call it, the stretchy stretchy thing). anyway, yes so i was supposed to work on lifting my own leg which i find it so mengarotly hard to do. its annoying cuz its just a mere lifting that bloody leg but its not so easy peasy. GOD. so i was SQUUEEZZING AND SQUEEEZZING my muscles, until my face like that shown in the picture above. and finally, MasyaAllah, i lifted my own leg, without the help of the band! but it was awfully painful and tiring. i tried a few times. i was so happy i rewarded myself to a Hershey stick :)

but after i showered, i tried to lift it up again and i cant.

and now im waiting for adeel to wake up to send me to physio. wish me luck.

post op again

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!
I AM SO BORED SO BORED SOBORED SOBREDSOBOREDSOBORED!!!!
saaaaavvveeee meeeeeeee......
im dyyyyiiiinnnggggg my pantats dyyiinngggg my brains dyyyiiinnngggggggg
heeellppp meeeeeeeeeeeee.................................................


BISH.


OMG im so bored nak mampos. i woke up at 9 today i dint wanna wake up cuz theres absolutely nothing to look forward to today tuesdays supposed to be packed school day but i cant go school so im stuck at home and ive been sitting here on my since i woke up at 9 today which i dint wanna wake up cuz theres absolutely nothing to look forward to today tuesdays supposed to be.

WAIT. i remember saying that already.

today i shall not to use the backspace button.

okay so i woke up today i showered on my own today i feel like a grown up kid now i feel gooood when my kaki pijak the floor blood rushes down the kaki like flood then i feel like pain like that like whoa sai sakit nak jalan like shit! like WHATEVER seh. its painful . period. then i sat on my bed after i shower and have been sitting here since then. my pantat can burn sia like this. it'll be flat if this goes on for 2 more days, im pretty sure. flat ass. wait. i have an ass?

not bad. flawless typing skills, aisyah.
no use of backspace.

okay and then after i shower i ate breakfast, what did i eat today? hmm. ahh yes. before i brushed my teeth i ate 2 famous amos cookies bought by elly and shaheen. its called enery energy for exercise. yes i religiously do my knee exercises everyday, 3 times a day. arent u proud of me, daddy? if i dont eat before i do my exercises i might ffaint again like how i did on saturday and i dont want it to happen again cuz it was so scary, i thoughti was gonna die. sheesh. my knee flexion was 75 degrees yesterday weh when i went for physio and rehab. which is good okay but im supposed to achieve 90 degrees by end of this week. but my extension lacks 10 degrees which means i have to do more of leg straightening edx exercises. and yesterday rehab was maaaaddd. i proudly announced i did no merlion tricks after i woke up from my sleep. achievement lah tu konon but when steve told me to le lift up my right foot when i was lying down i couldnt. haha its quite amazing really how cimply simple things like lifting up ur foot cant be done and u have to learn to do it so steve tied a rope around my right ankle and attached it to a pulley which i had to pull at the other end of the ropw so im like lifting my leg up. so it looks something like this:

WAAHHH nice kan i draw! like pro like that. and must SMILE cuz if u look :( then steve will bully you more. he made me do half cycle on the bike machine which i cant possibly draw on paint to show u so it doesnt matter. then he also made me lie down on the floor and stand up without any help u know! when i had trouble standing up from my lying down on the floor position, he simply said, "its okay, centre closes at 530!"

u -_- or u :( or u :'( he wont care one. i dont mind lah, i think every athlete needs a steve to push them hard. but ONE STEVE IS ENOUGH (read: izzat) ONE STEVE IS ENOUGH.

ONE STEVE IS ENOUGH.

okay, then my physio put some electric onto my thighs then i saw all the babbats wobble wobble. HAHAHA damn im so gonna get fat. ill tell u whats on my table right next to me now:

MARKS AND SPENCER triple chocolate crunch

GODIVA milk chocolate strawberries and dark truffle heart

REDONDO choc-hazelnut wafer sticks

FAMOUS AMOS cookies

HERSHEY 60 cal sticks

HAHAHAHA GEMOK SIAK GINI!

but ive been rationing well. theres still more even tho theyve been sitting here for 5 days unless some my monster brothers come and kebas when im not looking. which means if u still want them, come visit me lah u can taste a few. saper cepat dier dapat! woo woo! kalau datang visit yepun, tolong lah restock the chocolate supplies ke, belikan es krim bnj ke, ataupun megabites ke. kalau takder duit, boleh lah kemaskan bilik i ni ke, teman i gi rehab ke, dapat pahala, you. i can give u CIP hours also if u want :)

okaylah. ill try find something else to do. like watching gossip girls, watch the movies i have in my laptop, and annoy some other people online since i cannot annoy people physically now. BOO. :( but i managed to annoy izzat yest cuz he accompanied me for rehab then he cariked pasal with me sia so i cariked pasal back. eeeeeeeeee. okay, ill give you 6 CIP hours :)

i'll make a list of days and time that i need to travel to go for rehab/go school (ZOMG U CANT BELIEVE THIS BUT I MISS SCHOOL) mcm paham. bedek ajer. but id rather go school than sit on my bum the whole day :( :( :( okay dah minah, stop brooding.

yes as i was saying, ill make a schedule form lah, so if u feel like u want to reach out to the society, u dont have to go far, ill always be needing a helping hand.

and today's weather is so SUBHANALLAH sedap untuk tido, so my eagerness to study in the morning died down after 35 mins of studying cuz the weather was just too serene. it was raining then it stopped it wasnt hot, eeee sedap nyer. YELAH sedap sedap tak BLAJAR LAH!

dahlah, i shall go attempt to blajar now.

OMG THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? at 3pm, i was coughing then i saw blood on my wrist! then i was asking my maid, "Kak, aper ni? Aisyah batok abeh ader darah." Then she said, "Aneh." OKay itu sahaja. i shall TRY to stop eating chocolates.

bye!

oh wait. go check this out: http://nosadsadmonster.wordpress.com/

cute sia. GO PEE ON YOUR SAD!

post op

surgery was scary shit, i must admit.
i mean one day, i was able to walk, run, and win medals for captains' ball and dodgeball, next day, im lying in bed the whole day, unable to move my right leg.
i thought i was well prepared for this pain and shit.
boy was i wrong.
i dint expect it to be this painful. its stupid to wish i hadnt gone for surgery.
now i have to live with this excruciating pain, and pray and hope that it will recover soon.
InsyaAllah.
friday, 27th february 2009, 11:30am.
the nurse pushed me from the ward to the operating theatre. when fahmi told me in detail, how it seemed like what we saw in movies, i got reminded of that. it was exactly what it looked like in the movies. i lie there on the bed as i got pushed along the hospital corridors, all i could see were lights and flashes of human passing by. i dint put on my contacts and i had to remove my specs. i was scared so halfway, i covered the blanket over my face. my mum said, jangan takutkan oranglah, nanti orang ingat nurse tu tengah tolak orang dah...
NVM.
at the doors to the OT, my mum couldnt enter. i was left alone. i was so freaking scared. i could hear people talking, people entering in and out of the doors, noone looked as thought they bothered. i was just another patient going for surgery, nothing new to them, nothing special. they see this everyday. 4 different nurses asked for my name and ic number 4 times.
then i met the anaestheticians. there were 2 of them. ive met one of them before during my pre-admission testing. he still can ask me, where do i usually row? i said pandan reservoir. that was the last thing i said before i went to sleep. when they finally transferred me to the operating room, THE REAL THING, there were lots of lights, lots of people in scrubs and masks and shower caps and gloves, nurses at the corner talking about a SALE going on, while i was worried shit about how they gonna put me to sleep. i felt my left wrist being meddled with. the anaesthetician strapped something really tight around my biceps it was so painful but i wasnt bothered by the pain, i was too worried to bother. then i felt a pinch, and then another. My legs started to feel numb. There was a tingling sensation that ran up my arms, they made me breathe into the mask. Breathe in deeply. Once, twice, just close your eyes when you feel like sleeping.
and poof, it became KOKO Krunch!haha. (yeah, aisyah laughing nowadays is hard to hear)
anyway, yes, it was really cool how they put me to sleep.but when i woke up, it was the most excrutiating pain ive ever felt, i cried i shivered i asked the nurses whats wrong with me, they gave me some painkillers, and then i was gone, again.
next thing i knew i was already in my ward.
u were right, fahmi- it felt like just in the movies, except that u cant feel pain when u watch movies.
u have no idea how excruciating the pain was. MasyaAllah, one thing i never want to go through again.
i remembered sleeping most of the time. i couldnt take the pain so i slept it off. and the head kept on spinning everytime my eyes opened. so i keep it closed. amazingly, i didnt purge, not even once, im gonna gloat abt it to steve at ssc tmr. haha.
thanks to everyone who came to visit me, its not everyday u get to see aisyah in beige pyjamas with laces in her most burok face. :)
i cant remember much right aft surgery: it was just too painful to stay awake.

post op day 1: i woke up like a dozen times while i was sleeping, checked my phone to see the time, went back to sleep, forced myself to sleep. first time overnight in the hospital. i remembered i had to pee in a bed pan that night, it was urgent. it was TOUGH. i took like 10mins to pee. i DONT WANT TO EVER DO THAT AGAIN. thats why the next morning when nature called again i demanded that they bring me to the toilet. so i had to sit on this wheelchair with the hole but going out of bed and onto the wheelchair was so torturous, MasyaAllah. things i dont want to remember.(delete.delete.) :(
i waited for my mum to come. they brought me to the rehab area where i was the only patient i swear below 30, even below 60 is possible. the physio made me do some exercises that was so painful i cheated. i know its for my own good but it was really UGH. then she taught me how to use the crutches, that was when it was so painful my head started spinning, i couldnt hear anything, i could see white lights, luckily they made me sit and drink quickly. then they sent me to my ward. cuz i was still weak. ugh.
later, they wheeled me to the xray to take an xray of my knee. that was the last station of the "walk around SGH" time for patients. exciting.
before discharge, the nurse changed my dressing. that was the first time i saw the wound. wait, i dint see it. i dint dare to. i know there's a long stitch somewhere, i chose not to remember. the nurse had to change my clothes for me as well. i felt like a big baby. the final torture session before home was going into the cab. MasyaAllah.
again, i dont wish to remember it.

---

at home, i did the exercises diligently. i slept the whole of saturday. i woke up early sunday morning, dying to take a shower and brush my teeth which i havent done in 2 days. of all the pain that i had gone through, this morning's experience was the scariest. i wasnt used to crutching so after shower with the help of my maid, i tried to crutch back to my room but i couldnt. it was so painful, i couldnt hear anything, my vision started to turn white, i was shivering, i was sweating, my maid was so scared she said i looked so pale she dint know what to do. i sat down, took deep breaths, my maid rushed to get me a cup of water, MasyaAllah, i almost fainted, ive never felt that way before, it was so so so scary. MasyaAllah.
after that i spent half the day resting on bed, cuz i was so scared it might happen again, but in the afternoon, Alhamdullilah, I managed to walk a little with my crutches. And Alhamdullilah, I managed to pray.
I have 22 days of MC which means I will be missing loads of mid term tests and term paper deadlines. I have to travel regularly to SSC for rehab, get my range of motion back and start to learn to walk again. I pray that everything will be fine, InsyaAllah. I pray that I will stay strong and not give up. I just pray that I dont have to go tru this ever again once its over.

God, give me strength.