TAKING RISKS

So here I am, back in my office, sitting at my desk.
Its been 10 long days. 10 days of absolutely no work, just the boat and me.
10 best days in March.

Let me tell you something.
So I didn't win in Sydney. I was dead last in the World Cup.
But there was something about racing and being in the boat, and being amongst the other rowers, waking up to row, that makes me want to do it again and again, for every single day of my life.
I love my job. But the love is nothing compared to how much I love rowing. Its a different kind of love. I work, cuz I have to. I row, cuz I want to. And I want to wake up every day of my life doing something I want to, not something that I have to.
So since I came back, I've been thinking. Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Waiting for something to happen? Hoping things will get better? Just sitting here at my desk waiting for lunch time so I can run, waiting for work to end so that I can train. Do I really want this?
I dont.
I want to wake up to row. I want to row before I head to bed.
I went for a Sports Scholarship talk by the Sports Council last night and good news is that the government is opening up more to supporting full-time athletes. Its gonna be a tough fight but I gotta fight for what I really want.
I'm not ready to call it quits and jump into full-time training, but hell I'm sure this is what I really want.
There's so many things I want to do right now and I'm so excited and geared up for things to happen.
I gotta take risks. I gotta stop hoping and wishing and start doing.
Insya Allah things will be good.

March.

Crazy. It's already March. My table at work looks like I have been working here for 35years. Wait, what table? All I see are piles and piles of sh**. I'm so disorganized I can kill myself. I attempt to clean up my table at times but the next minute after I'm done cleaning up, it will magically go back to its normal unruly state. My room is even in a worse condition. I swear I have tried at many attempts cleaning up the sh** I have but it doesn't seem to work quite right. Why can't my room look like an IKEA Showroom? No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem right.
I'm piled with work. It doesn't seem to end. There is never a low period in my office. I'm seriously bogged down. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I really don't.
I know work is my priority when I joined the workforce, but that was last year. This year, I want to be an athlete again. I want to wake up to row. I want to train when normal people are still in beds. When theyre having lunch or dinner. I want ot train like 3, 4, 5 times a day. I want to get better. I want to be the best. But this work sh** is not helping me in any way at all. Noone in the office ever gets it. I keep on telling them again, and again, and again, I'm having a major race at the end of the year. But they just don't get it.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I wish I can just train full-time, and get paid, even if its not as much as what I'm getting now. I just want to train. I'm still young, I know I'm pretty good at what I'm doing. I just want to train.
I don't want to do this anymore. Not now. Maybe I'll come back and do it when im 29 or 30, when my Olympic dreams have been achieved. But really, now is just not a good time.
I must do something about this. I can't just sit here and do nothing about it.
I must end all these.
I must train.