i think that some things are better left not known.

if im a kucing, my curiosity would have already killed me.

theres a rowing competition going on in singapore and its just amazing to know that they have conveniently brushed me aside like a fleck of dust on their filthy sleeve. i dont know whether to be sad that they dint inform me or happy that they have decided not to trespass my boundaries. but i do know that my heart aches knowing that i was once a rower and this is happening to me. why are they doing this to me? what have i done to deserve such treatment? and all i wanted was to help them, and spread my love for the sport.

next time i shouldnt have bothered and be selfish.
next time i shouldnt be too bloody nice.
learn, aisyah, LEARN.

ive been really sucky lately. ive not been going for physio bcuz work has been crazy. at least the ppl at yog appreciate my hard work and effort. even thought they pay me kacang. i enjoy doing what im doing. no one barking up my ass, noone making me cry everytime theres a meeting, noone to humiliate me, insult me, hurt me. noone to called me a "waste of time" or "useless".

ill always remember what haireez said to me, whenever possible, never work with your own people.
he's absolutely right.

im tired.

AYG's starting and theres soo much to do and i stayed in the office till 930 last night and i gave 1,000,0001 excuses why i shouldnt go for the fitnessbootcamp at ecp at 8am this morning for the tryout even after mum offered to send me to ecp i dont know why i said im not working and went back to sleep then i trained my client and went to gym and had to finish off some last minute ayg stuff which i have not finished and im sitting here now facebooking and blogging but not doing any work im at home on a sat aftnn and you went to a flea market and u said sorry cuz u dint ask me along but its ok cuz i was supposed to be doing work or going to van's birthday party which i couldnt go cuz i was supposed to work yes on a saturday but im not doing any work and omg im bored and im going crazy and i wanna go out im supposed to go for amaria's party too but theres so much work to do whats wrong with you, aisyah go do some work and not waste time feeling bored and stupid cuz u have work to do and go bloody do them and theres work tmr morning zomg zomg zomg but i love my job but im complaining abt it and its giving me so much stress and i miss my friends i wanna see them now but ecp is just friggin far and im such a lazy ass but i wanna go but i cant decide and im angry and sad and you had to make it worse i wish this feeling will just go away and i dont know what to tell the fitnessbootcamp guy cuz he was looking forward to see me on sat but if i were to go i would have to join in but i cant run/jump whatever ahhh excuses omg i wish TIME WOULD JUST FRIGGIN STOP, and let me think and breathe.
ugh.


its the period, i swear.

geramnyer!

zomg. im so pissed right now i could kill someone.
1. to whom it may concern, if you havent realised, ive been trying all means to get you but you're obviously avoiding me for some reason i dont know what. i told you already, if you dont wanna go, just tell me. i would find a replacement. dont force yourself to go if you dont want to. you can change the passenger, but not the destination. so pls. if youre out there, give me an answer so i wont get so mad. thank you.
2. if youre married and have kids, pls stay faithful. thank you.
3. work is bogging me down. ayg's in less than 2 weeks time. ive been busy with work, not going for physio, steve's angry and he made me cry. what if the only person who gave u hope gives up on you?
4. which part of: i cant play/kick/jump/run do you people not understand? if i can, i would but i cant. its not that i dont want to. i cant! GOD.
5. if ure not willing to stand up for the person you love, dont force yourself, you'll only make a fool out of yourself and cause someone else to get friggin hurt.
6. life is not all about money. pls, pls understand that, i beg you.
7. next time why not, when i reach ur friggin doorstep then u tell me ure not at home lah. ure house is only at the other end of singapore what, not that far. transport's quite cheap too.
8. im tired of working. i want to work. but im tired. i dont know what i want. no, wait. i do know what i want. i want to train. i want to be able to train again. i dont know in what sport but just train. i need to train to keep my mind of things. too many things going on in my head.
9. i suddenly feel like staying in sch for the 4th yr. i think someone needs to slap me.
10. i want my life back. GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK. this is depressing, seriously.
friggin knee.
ergh.

i remembered about half a yr ago, saying something like,"i did badly for my exams".
i remembered sometime ago telling myself to move on if i dont wanna get hurt.
i remembered reminding myself that all i wanted to do was to get back in shape, to be able to run again.
and im doing them again.
and again.
telling myself and being pissed and fed up and throwing tantrums, venting my anger at anyone who gets in my way, making them feel like shit, and feeling sinfully satisfied with that. i keep telling myself all these things, and the best thing is, i do nothing about them.
this is not aisyah.
GET OUT GET OUT.
i want myself back :(
but i feel so empty inside.
i feel dead like a pisang.

i need something exciting in my life.
i need some adventures.
i dont wanna grow old.
i dont want to start working if this is what working feels like.
it feels like ure damn friggin busy,
but u feel empty.
its ironic,
and scary.
its sad.
sad like how my arms wobble when i move them
sad like how my thighs rub against each other when i walk
sad like how i look horribly grotesque in clothes these days.

i miss being smart when i know i will get good grades without having to mug my ass off.
what is there to be embarrassed about? i got my first D. MasyaAllah, i dont even know how. its not that i dint study for it. i did. its just horrid. how stupid can a person get, seriously?
obviously, it pulled my grades down. ooh sad, yeah. im so unmotivated already. ugh.

and you wonder whats happening to me.
i ask myself that everyday.

this thursday, i will go for my biodex test which will determine whether i can start running or not. im not looking forward to it. today i was walking down the slope at my office which i felt a click. not good. i dont know. im just tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. im tired of everything. MasyaAllah.

and i miss being/look like/ feel like an athlete. i dont anymore. it was SO BAD, there was this rp girl who thought i was more like an artsy fartsy person, not an athlete. its sad, really.

i told you. this is not aisyah.
aisyah is not fair. im friggin fairer than many chinese people i know. when was the last time uve seen aisyah fair!!!
aisyah is not fat.
aisyah is not so stupid get D for her friggin exams.
aisyah is not like this. not at all.

whats wrong with me?

ugh.

i should watch nick vujicic every morning when i wake up.
i should feel disgusted complaining about this nitty gritty stuff in life.

whats wrong with me?? :(