Aidiladha

It's aidiladha and I just finished training. Did a 12k on a singles. Went ok, not good, not bad, just okay. Not proud of myself, not disappointed either. I did the pieces and put my boat back on the rack.

I'm not planning to go home cuz I'm a terrible daughter and an irresponsible sister. I'm a disappointment in my family.

What point is there in appearing in the papers every month getting featured for my achievements and dreams and goals if I can't even carry out my duties as a daughter or a sister.my brother pointed that out to me last night when we had that chat.

More like him doing the talking and me looking away trying not to make eye contact with him. Oh I'm a rude child I admit. But why should I look into the eyes of a person who just slapped me across my face?

Even my dad has never layed his hands on me before and this is the second time my brother hit me. Am I such a terrible person, really?

I come from a dysfunctional family. I'm not afraid of admitting that. And yes I cringe at the word "family". We don't function like one. Well ok, dysfuctionality has its extremes. My brothers don't wear tapered pants have tattoos on their faces as a mark of rank and they definitely don't sleep around making women have babies when they were 13. Not dysfunctional to that extend. We come from a strong background and family history of love and trust but shit happens and everything crumbles one after another. Without a strong figure in the house definitely things will get out of hand. They did. But things didnt crumble too far. Those that left, started anew and now they're happy. Or that's what I assume. And then they're accepted again to this function called a family. I stayed on. Things went down, continue going down and down around me. I went down, I never left but I dont linger. I stayed, I tried. But I guess it wasn't enough.
And I was being called irresponsible and disrespectful and what have you. Its just not fair I don't even club or drink or even touch a ciggie. Im too busy training. Im too busy chasing after my dream. And to them, its a terrible thing to wake up working hard to achieve your dreams. To them, its worse than sleeping around or coming back late smelling of liquor.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have my flaws. Im irresponsible? yes. I dont do the household chores cuz Im not even around. But I try my best to make the people at home happy by skipping training and spending days cleaning the whole house on my own during the festive period. i know keeping the house clean is not a once off thing. but at least im trying. I treat my family to a big dinner because I want to see everyone together with whatever earnings I have. Even my brothers who earn 300x more than me dont treat us but I wont compare. They have their own shit too. But again they think I dont care. Im rude? considering the fact that I used to be screaming at my mum, now I think Im an angel as compared to myself when I was a teen. I've definitely changed.

So what is it that they dont understand?
I quit my job to row. and im happier. loads happier. its not like training is fun and exciting. in fact its crazy tiring and sometimes it just drains the life out of you. but its the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day after i completed a hard session that i live for. and that feeling when the boat glides through the water, and it all comes naturally. thats what i love.
i dont need the newspaper features ive been getting. honestly, its quite embarassing because i havent even been achieveing much. all i want to do is do well in rowing and make my parents proud. then my mum will finally stop saying that im wasting my time and all these brings me nothing. as much as it cuts me deep when she says these things, i can just keep my ears and mouth shut. remember, only you decide what can hurt u and what cant.

yes, seven years and she still doesnt like the fact that i row.
and yes she hasnt seen me race.
and she doesnt know how good i really am.

which i dont blame her still.
which mum would want to see her daughter grow up, graduate from uni and quit her job to do things that dont bring her any future?
i still love her with all my heart and wish that one day she'll finally finally finally be proud of me.

insyaallah.

I've been living in my own bubble. I try not to bother others. I live my life the way I want it to be. I do the things I love. Others talk but if i dont mind it dont matter. They can say what they want but its up to you to choose whether to be affected by it or not. I choose to stay free from all this cheap talk. I'm old enough to decide what I want in life. Everything has been going well. On the outside. I do my own stuff. I come back home once in a while. I try to make the family happy but apparently I'm not doing a good job. I want to try harder but there's other crazy things on my mind right now like how close the sea games is and all that shit. I can be volatile when u provoke the little bubble that I live in. You can say all you want. You can choose to be hurt by what people think of you, or me. But why why why do you have to come and bother the life that I've been perfectly fine with?
Thats what I can't take.

Thats why I finally decide to leave.
So u remember my story about my brother slapping me and giving me that talk before I got distracted with my own sad lifestory?
I left. I dont know if its considered running away because I still love my room and most of my things are still in the house. But I packed yesterday with tears flowing down my cheeks incessantly. Thus the swollen eyes this morning. Packed an emergency runaway bag filled-which doesnt have much to fill with- because most of my stuff are somewhere else already. I didnt want to leave but I cant stand living in a house where they bring me down for doing what I do best and what I love. I cant stand those who talk about others behind their backs but be on their side in front of their faces. I cant stand hypocrites. I can take the blame of being irresponsible and rude and disrespectful because I know I was, still am but not to a very large extent and Im trying my best to change. But with the kind of support system I have at home, especially after I got slapped hard by the person who was never around, and everyone stood and watch and I had to stand up on my own two feet to defend myself, I cant stay around any longer.
They talk about loving me and caring for me. And being proud of me. But all I want to do is for them to just understand the amount of sacrifice and commitment that I have to give for me to chase after this dream. But they cant.
Dont even start on the money issue, masyaAllah.

Im sorry that I had to pack and leave.
I cant let these issues affect my training.
Especially not when theres less than a week left ot the Games.

Im not mad at them for saying those things to me or reacting that way.
Im just sad that I dont see a family in mine anymore.
And it pains me to see how my boyfriend and his family functions.
Thats a family.
They do fight, but theres an extent to where the fight goes.
I just have to accept the fact that mine's not like that.
And will never be. None of us is willing to change, especially not when we're all already considered adults.
I dont consider myself unfortunate. I am grateful to have such a family. At least I have one. And I have a roof over my head, be it at my house or my dad's.


Maybe its one of life's lesson so that we will not repeat this in our future, when we have to build our own family.