well its still friday and the week hasnt really gone per se but surviving more than half of it is already a hell of an achievement.
MONDAY.
okay so i went to the hospital at 1230.
the doctor took my blood pressure. he said it was low. and omg he had to take it like 4 times cuz he thought there was something wrong with the machine. omg, seriously. im an athlete, doctor. didnt med school teach you that athletes generally have lower bp?
the difference between what happened 2 years ago and this year was that this year, i had to wait outside the operating theatre and walk into the theatre on my own! i had to actually walk to the bed where they were going to cut my knee open, lay myself there and wait for them to put me to sleep. it was all so awkward! whereas 2 years ago, they pushed me to the OT on a hospital bed. so it seemed more drama, u see. but no drama this year. boo.
okay so as i lied there on the OT bed watching the nurses and doctors in scrubs walking around probably telling themselves, "sigh, another patient", i, on the other hand, was scared like hell. ive no idea why. maybe im scared of the fact that if i open my eyes after they put me to sleep, i will feel the same excruciating pain i felt 2 years ago after the op. so bad, all i could do was scream and they injected me with morphine. yeah, shit hell scared.
i remember the anasthetician talking to me as he pierced the big fat needle (im imagining it to be big and fat of cuz i didnt dare look at it) into my vein. then slowly i felt warm and heavy and POP. i became koko krunch!
next thing i know i was waiting to be pushed back to the ward.
i remembered clearly asking this nurse if they kept the screw for me.
then i fell asleep.
and i think i woke up again asking the same question.
lol.
no pain. no screaming.
just really, really drowsy.
post op wasnt as bad as i thought.
it could be either:
1. ive been tru this shit so im stronger.
or 2. its just less painful than before.
either ways, im grateful it didnt hurt that bad. and i was pretty okay at night when people came to visit me in my utmost horrendous condition of unglamourousness and ugliness.
oh well.
the screw was horrendously huge.
and it comes with a washer. just like my boats.
TUESDAY.
woke up in the hospital bed on tuesday to a beautiful morning.
greeted by the nurses, served oats and eggs for breakfast.
what a great life.
everything was perfect.
until the bedpan arrived.
i told the nurse i couldnt do it.
she insisted that i do my business there.
i sat on that thing for 10, 15 minutes i dont know but nothing came out.
finally they gave in.
ive never been so grateful for the existence of the toilet bowl.
i was supposed to go home at 130pm but when the physio arrived and took me for a walk i almost passed out. she checked my blood pressure which was ridiculously low. so they told me to stay in bed for a few more hours.
i was awesome on crutches at 530pm they allowed me to go home. woohoo.
WEDNESDAY.
went for my first rehab at ssc as a carded athlete (like finally). didnt do much tho. just did alot of icing and bending to get my range back. doctor said that it would be tough getting me back on the boat but nothing is impossible.
THURSDAY.
went for rehab in the morning and was like 1 and a half hr early cuz mum sent me on her way to work. didnt mind the early morning at all because i miss waking up at 5am to row :(
dont remind me dont remind me dont remind me :(((
i know. im still broody and sappy about this knee shit and the fact that i cant run or row or sweat or lose wt. im frustrated. im sad. im angry. i dont know. im just UGH. u know. UGH. :(
and this weight thing omg its getting into me really. i mean like okay im 61kg now, and i have to be 59kg MAX by may. at least mid may, to be safe, cuz competition's last week of may and i have to get used to be a lightweight. and thats at least 3kg off and i can easily shed these last few kilos off when im on the boat or when im able to run but you have no friggin idea how much it blows me off my tops when i cant do any of them and i try to perspire by exercising at home but omg the drops of sweat that trickle down my skin is like negligible!
its frustrating, really, but i cant do shit now, can i?
:(
and i know i know i know, like what all the oh so famous athletes would say,
"every failure is a stepping tstone to success" and shit along those lines but u know, its not that easy, really.
i mean, ive been tru this.
over and over again.
its just a phase right?
yeah.
it'll pass by.
and you'll grow stronger.
sometimes, im tired of pretending to be strong.
or mentally strong.
or whatever.
you cant be the best all the time.
like what (whats his face- the guy who sang Cannonball?) said,
"even the best falls down sometimes."
haiz. and double haiz.
i remembered getting so pissed off at myself and the world for God knows what reason i vented my frustration on Nadzrie. and as usual i woke up feeling like the lousiest gf in the world. oh God when will i ever learn.
FRIDAY.
woke up at 11am. and you know i hate waking up feeling like i wasted my morning but what could i have done in the morning anyway. cant run. cant row. cant even friggin walk properly. so my mind could have told my body, "SHUT UP AND GO BACK TO SLEEP." possible.
went to driving which was awesome and i missed driving and i cant wait to pass, insyaAllah. and thank God even with a knee like this i still can drive. and omg it didnt rained today it literally POUREDDDDDDDDDD and it was my first time driving in the heavy rain and visibility was so bad but i did well and im so proud of myself woohoo.
accompanied Nadz on his first day of work which I ended up taking over. Im sorry, sayang. hahaha. slowly you'll learn to be awesome like me. :P
there were some droplets of water in my bandage today. it might be because of sweat, as wat Nadz proclaimed, cuz i didnt know my knees can sweat. it might also be because i refuse to wrap plastic over my bandage when i shower due to pure laziness. so i asked my paramedic brotehr to change the dressing for me and it was scary but its all clean and dry now. hurray.
----
and so tomorrow i'll be spending the whole day at a first aid refresher course and my mum keeps on saying, "later who's gonna need the first aid ni?"
and im gonna miss weekend trainings and you know how much i love weekend training.
but i guess sometimes sacrifices have to be made for a greater good, no?
STOP BROODING ALREADY MAKCIK.
thank you liyana for visiting me at the hospital on monday and thank you for the pink daisy. they're still alive, surprisingly, considering the fact that me and flowers dont usually go along very well.
thank you yatay for coming down with the artificial flowers and cake which i gobbled up the next day when i was really hungry, and entertaining me with your daily doses of gossips even when im lying there on the hospital bed half dead.
thank you shaheen and elly for surprising me. one day im on my feet running 10 rounds around the track and rushing to meet you guys for Gelare, next day im on the bed feeling like taik unable to walk even to the toilet 5secs away from me. but you girls never fail to make me smile.
thank you iylia and marlia (i love the way their names sound together) for the chocolates and the advice (i.e. listening to my doctor).
thank you everyone for your well wishes because whenever i feel like giving up hope, i will look at my FB page and remind myself that if i give up, i'm giving up on these 224 people who believed in me.
and finally, thank you Nadzrie Hyckell, for being there for me whenever you can, before school, straight after school, after training, before training, omg. you're amazing. thank you for listening to me whine and complain and thank you for taking the shit i throw at you when im frustrated and angry and thank you for layaning my nonsense when im feeling like shit. thank you for not leaving me because im like this. thank you for accepting me for who i am, being 5 years older than you, being whiny and annoying, being a loser sometimes and i know i can be so stubborn sometimes u just want to cut my head off. thank you for loving me despite me having one really small calf and thigh muscles than another, despite me having bigger thighs than you, despite me having weird watch tan lines and despite me walking on crutches and everyone's staring at me like as though im an alien. thank you for sending me home every night even though u live 45 mins away and you have training or school the next morning. thank you, sayang.
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