Rants

Hello
It's been a long time since I wrote (what's new). I can't say I've been busy, cuz I haven't. I'm just tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
I just came back from Korea like 2 days ago? Something like that. Obviously I've lost track of time. Days are more like whatever is left till the SEA Games rather than what day it is. It's 20 something in October and it's almost the end of the week. Weekends are no more days of the week i look forward to because on weekends trainings are supposedly tougher. I'm not a normal person anymore. I don't feel like one. I shop when the stores are empty, which is definitely a really good thing. But then again, shopping is Not fun when you're not really financially stable.
Yeah I'm not fun anymore. The only thing that revolves around me is training. And training. And training.
I have to cut down on work because training is getting more intensive and also because school term is coming to an end and exams are around the corner so I'm practically jobless. Oh wait. I have my Pt clients but they too have to be put aside because of training. I'm not complaining. Maybe whining, yes. I like what I'm doing. I love it in fact. I love the thought of waking up being able to row. Being able to push myself. But I don't like it when I train and I think about work. The thought of travelling to my workplace, wherever it may be, then having another training in the evening. I don't like training and worrying about money. Whether I have enough cash to last me for a whole month. How much I should save up for my insurance and investment plans. I want to train and be stress and worry free. I want to train only worrying about how fast is my boat moving and whether it is fast enough to win the Vietnams. But work and money will always be an issue no matter how much I want to shun it away.

So Korea was almost perfect. I didn't want to come home. The weather was cold, sometimes a bit too cold, but it makes you want to stay on the water as long as possible. The rooms that we stayed in were perfect. Close to the race venue, close to the canteen, fully equipped, cozy. Life was great for the past 10 days while we were there. Train, race, eat, sleep. No work to worry about. Food was a problem but I survived on bread, cheese and eggs. That's the life of an athlete I want. But good things have to come to an end. And you really get everything you want. I've learnt to accept that fact.
So the pairs came in 4th in our finals. We were 4secs behind e khazaks but I thought we did a good job in pulling away from the indons. The water during our race was madness. But we managed to pull through it, battle the waves and face the cold winds. My singles didn't turn out too good. But that was because I don't have hope in it already. Yes, I should nt say such things as an athlete but sometimes I have to be realistic. Or rather, honest. I feel good on the pairs but I don't feel that awesome when I sit on the singles. It's the thought of having someone else suffering with you that makes you want to pull harder on a pair. In the singles, it's you and only you. I know I used to be good on the singles but I haven't had that feeling for a very long time.
The boys didn't do too well, in fact they didn't race in their lightweight doubles finals cuz one of them was overweight. But I shall say no further because I have come to a conclusion that somethings are just not worth talking or worrying about.
My boyfriend deserve a better partner. That's all I can say.
So it's 2 weeks to SEA Games. I'm looking forward to it. To end it all, make it a good finish. And then, and then, I don't know what happens next.
That's what I'm worried about. I'm keen to look for a job but on the other hand, what if I want to continue training like this and work will get in the way?
And then recently I thought about my Olympic dreams. I want to be there badly, but what if things don't go my way. Do I have an alternative plan? I shouldn't even be thinking of NOT being able to get there but like I said, we can't always get what we want.
With that mentioned, one of the national sailors want me to be her partner for Rio 2016. Is it a calling?
What about work? Omg.
And family? Yes it worries the shit out of me to see my peers starting their own family.
Nadzrie's only 18.
Still a long way to go.
But if it's meant to be then I guess things will go our way, right?

I'm not having doubts about our relationship.
I'm not changing my dreams to be an Olympian.
I'm just worried about my future
I don't have to see 5 or 10 years down the road.
Look at December.
What happens after SEA Games? I don't even have a clue yet.
I don't have a plan.

I think I worry too much.
Let's sleep. I have work tomorrow.

Goodnight world.