i was talking to this senior online, this is what he said:
"silat pulak dah rowing, silat pulak why can't you just sit still now you're injured, you're not happy right? you like the lifestyle you're in now ah, getting injured, getting blisters on palms, going for ops? don't you want to take a back seat in life, and do some other stuffs instead?"

i dont know what to say.

---

i forgot how it feels like to have a fever. if i remember correctly, last i was down with fever was way back in sec3/4-ish, the only thing i could remember clearly was that my fever was so bad, KKH made me shower in ice water.

and now im heating up. i dont know if it still works but im putting a towel soaked in ice cold water on my head. i mean, if im still able to type this it means that its not so bad right? i dont have a thermometer at home. so much for having a paramedic in the house.
the grogginess is gone, Alhamdullilah. its just the flu and cough thats annoying me. if they persist, i doubt i can go tru surgery tmr.

yes, surgery is scheduled to take place tmr morning at sgh.
i have to stay over one night to get subsidised rates, if i choose not to, i have to pay $7k in cash.
im not looking forward to anything.
i just wish that i hadnt had gone for that silat trng on 23rd dec. but thats just stupid.
im gonna brood/cry/whine/complain/sulk/whatever, i know.
just bear with me, will you.

so, what made me sick?
nak menang punyer pasal.
we had this mini olympic games on tuesday at NTU.
NTU is far. like bloody FAR.
i was late cuz i had an appt with my surgeon that morning. i took a cab from SGH to NTU and it cost me $20. it was THAT far.
when i reached NTU i thought i was in johor, until i saw a group of chinese people, i changed my mind. it wasnt johor, its china.
the weather these days has been confusing. like seriously, MAKE UP YOUR MIND. do u want it to be scorching, burn my face HOT or drizzle-rain-wind blow-shivering COLD. and the best thing was that on tuesday, we played in the hot sun -heavy drizzle weather. 4 out of 5 of my teammates fell sick, including me. yeah the weather in ntu-china made me have fever for the first time in 3/4 years.

other than that,
we won the games.
it was a good win cuz we almost lost dodgeball to the team that got 2nd place.
they were hell good at dodgeball, finally some competition, eh?
i have to admit we suck at dodgeball, we're just lucky.
but sorry captain's ball is just our forte.
so yeah, we brought home a medal and cert, and flu/fever virus from ntu-china.

and aisyah being aisyah dint want to sit still and stay at home,
went swimming with the Tjunct girls on wednesday.
again it felt like i was in another country, somewhere in jurong west, where confused weather prevails.
it was hot, im burnt now (again) then it drizzled, then hot, then cold.

and tada,
2 days of ntu-china and jurongwest-jb weather,
im down with fever/flu/cough.
it was so bad during arab class, my mind just went blank for like a few minutes. it was scary. like i said, i forgot what it fels like to be really sick. and of all the time in the world, i chose to be sick this week.

and if i still feel like SHIT like this,
they'll have to postpone my surgery.

oh and its friday alr tmr.
i havent done a single school work.
whats wrong with me?

here's the thing.
i almost forgot-

Assalammualaikum.

yes. the thing is. i cant wait for my surgery, but i dont want it to happen, now that i can walk normally. but if u look at my legs long enuf, if u have nothing better to do, and if u think tree trunks are nice to look at, u can actually see the huge difference in size between my right and left leg! my physio told me that when the ligament tears, the body automatically shuts down the entire leg thus muscles not working as much, and body tends to depend on my uninjured leg more. its kinda pretty tho, my legs, they look like they belong to 2 different ppl. kinda cool. i told my physio why dont u kick my other leg so they'll be equally smaller.

and why i cant wait for the surgery is because i want to get it done and over with ASAP so i can start playing again.
u have no friggin idea how much i want to play all sorts of things. God! soccer, netball, run, RUN, RUN, SOCCER, NETBALL, SILAT, RUN, gaaah!!!
if i had the chance to change one thing, i would want to ban everyone from playing all sorts of sports until i am able to play again. but thats just stupid and selfish.
but taking the bus across the NUS field almost everyday to travel from arts to eat at megabites make me feel like ERGH.
im such a loser sia.
grow up.

i was browsing tru my 'old' pics when i was young and healthy and not injured.
i miss soccer,
and my long hair.

ok dah. im tired of complaining.

but, if i dont complain,
ive got nothing to say.

bye.

HAHAHA.
lets attempt to talk about the rainbows, and the sun, and the bright lovely day.
i cant think of any.

i watched a hall production last night. it was supposed to be an abstract play on love, lies and life. something like that and u know im not an avid fan of "things that require you to think" thus it wasnt really my kind of stuff. id rather watch kusumawangi again and get scared again. thats why its a malay production- not much thinking required, cater to the audience. know thy kind, bebeh.

oh and i went to the UHWC for the first time since the pre-admission health check. i have had this persistent cough for 2 weeks so i finally decided to not be stubborn and trod my way to YIH to visit the doctor. the doctor was awfully rude. but okay i paid $5 for everything so i guess he knows how much he's worth thus the lousy attitude. so that night i told fairuz that if he were to become a doctor someday, well he is anyway, dont be like that. its just awful.

but when i went to the sgh private clinic for my consultation with the knee surgeon, i thought i would have received better service but he was the same! i had to pay $85 to see this surgeon's face who dint even face me, dint smile. come on and for like 2mins, he ripped $85 off my mum's pocket. and oh apparently i wasnt given a choice so i was immediately given private class which means i have to pay $5000 on day of surgery which made my mum blew her top so surgery's pretty much not settled yet.

and school oh school's getting busier by the day. the presentations, the sunday 8am meetings in sch (yes, tmr, mind you- SUNDAY MORNING 8am SCHOOL), the tests, this and that, the wobbling knee, the flights and flights of stairs in NUS, whenever i climb the stairs in school, i wonder how im gonna do the same after surgery.

oh the rehab guy made me do 100 one legged (injured leg) squats and 1-min wall squats that day and i almost died. my pantat still throbs in pain.
and he reminded me that what im going tru now will be nothing compared to what i will go tru aft the surgery. i dont know if i should laugh, or cry.

or just not think about it.

i have this stupid cough which almost made me pass out a few minutes ago. crying didnt help much. why dint i just passed out and die? it would make the world a better place for everyone. insurance money, less whining and complain, and sports council doesnt have to fork out thousands of dollars for my surgery.

my knee doesnt hurt any more in fact it hasnt given way for the longest time. its not good. it pissed me off cuz im gonna spend 9months not being able to play sports and now i dont feel an itch on the knee. full recovery after surgery takes 9months. stop brooding, they say. but sports is the only thing im good at and the only thing that makes my stress go away. now that i cant do any bloody exercises, u want me to be happy about it? yea yea dont start with the 'stay optimistic' bullshit. im an athlete and ive lost a part of my life. how do u want me to be myself now? and with school work, project meetings, presentations, having to travel all the way to kallang for rehab and physio then back to school at the other end of the world for class- life currently sucks.

and stop it with the 'ure not in this alone' shit. u have no idea how much it sucks to see myself not exercising, giving a million and one excuses, brooding, complaining, being so bitchy, perpetually moody.

i admit it, im brooding. im such a loser. what kind of athlete am i?

oh wait. what kind of athlete is sportless?
my kind.
i dont deserve to be called one.

its just too much things to take and its only february.
if i annoy you cuz im weak, why dont u just come shoot me.
id rather be dead.
i cant stand myself like this.
i feel sorry for myself.

lets have one less weakling in the face of this earth.
the fittest will survive, remember?

• There is blunting of the body and the anterior junction of the medial meniscus suggestive of free edge tearing or fraying.
• There is increased signal in the medial collateral ligament suggestive of intraligamentous sprain injury.
• There are focal areas of abnormal bone marrow signal suggestive bone contusions along the medial aspect of the medial femoral condyle, the sulcus terminalis of the lateral femoral condyle and along the posterior aspect of the proximal tibia.
• There is a moderate joint effusion.
• There is complete rupture of the anterior cruciate ligament.

reason #2958 why i dont take science.

and reason #2 why i should have.

THATS MY KNEE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. and all i know is that its in bad, bad, bad, bad shape.

the physio guy laughed when he saw my mri scan report. i said it wasnt funny. :(

the rehab guy said its not the worst case, it could have been worse, its not the end of the world. he added that i should just stick to rowing. no soccer, no silat, no cycling. just rowing. i laughed.

the doctor said if i want to continue with my active lifestyle i must go for surgery. if not, i can only stick to sports that dont require me to turn, jump, run. if i go for surgery, complete recovery takes 9 months.

i was imagining an aisyah without netball, soccer, silat, running, jumping.

i cant.

i was brooding the whole friggin day yesterday. ive read hundreds of stories of athletes who've went tru various surgeries, some worst than mine, and still succeed in the future, as an athlete or not. im not ready to start an inspirational story of my own. im not prepared for this. im still sportless now. this is bad, just bad.

and the year just friggin started.

first the break up, now the knee.

i wonder what else 2009 has in store for me.

my blog was privatized a few weeks ago and some people got mad cuz i didnt add them into the list of people who's allowed to view my blog. thing is,


i didnt invite anyone.

but good thing is, im surprised! people actually do read my blog.
if that is even a good thing.

i privatized my blog cuz some people found it wrong; unethical? intrusive? intrusive upon what? my own privacy?


im intruding on my own privacy.
hmm.

i blog about important events in my life.
okay, maybe not.
i blog about the most randomest things in the world,
i realised.

but thats who i am. and how i like it to be.

i like to tell people where i went and what i did and who talked to me today and who didnt and whats new and whats not and what i like and what i dont.

i know i dont blog about issues regarding the war, the politics, the environment, science and technology, the world, the citizens, the president and what nots. its not that i dont think about them neither am i ignorant nor well-read. i know these stuff. i read the news. (yes i do. slap yourself if you were shocked to hear that i read the news.)

but its just not me to write about these issues.


so tell you what.


i write what i like.

its not that i dont write about important things in my life.
if you think i dont mention about my family much, it doesnt mean they're not important to me.
thats just plain dumb to think like that.

and if you dont like what i write.

dont reaaaadddddd.

ANYWAY, lets get on with more random things.

#01: i cut my hair. like REAL short. like SHORT short. like budak cina wear sluar go school mcm tak pakai sluar tak senonoh kalau kaki lawa takper tapi tak lawa SHORT.

THAT short.

#02: thats like one of the few nice short haired aisyah pics i have. cuz i dont camwhore on my own anymore. i dont know why. i think...

ive grown up.

#03: i love settlers' cafe. cuz thats where taboo, jenga and soldadu songs happen when tjuncts come in full strength.

How many malay uni students does it take to break a glass?

10, with a game of taboo.

#04: my knee injury aggravated. something to do with an MCL strain and meniscus tear.

champion comment goes to Maressa:

"I think i tore my meniscus"

"Whats meniscus?"

"Its the bottom part of the water in the test tube."

#05: i paid $900 for my MRI scan for my knee. there goes my holiday earnings. hurrah.

ive learnt a moral tho: never quarrel with your parents before you ask for money.

#06: last thing i wanted to say is that..i blog cuz its the only form of writing i do these days. ive lost the touch of writing. blogging makes me not lose it totally. see even my sentence structure like want to kena sai. how liddat.

#07: and finally. tmr im gonna do something stupid that might make me regret. so if i come back crying to you saying that i shouldnt have done it, throw rocks at me.

i have never really thought i had to go through this.

• change my laptop background
• move our pictures to "thepast" folder
• take down our photos hanging on my room wall and on my study table
• put all the stuff uve given me into THE box
• write you a hate email
• change my status in fb
• waking up another day knowing that youre not there, and will never be there ever again.

1st january 2009.

new year? yes.

happy? certainly not.

izzat and i are officially over. nothing to celebrate about. certainly nothing i expected. but what has to be done was done. it looks so easy, sounds so simple. you hate me, you dont like me, you think we cant be together, you lost faith and hope in us, you bloody tell me.

but no. you chose to deal with it the hard way. and gave not only me a hard time but yourself as well.

you cheat on me. you lied. and lied. and lied. to me, to your best friend, to your mum, to my mum. you hurt me. so, so bad. so bad, i cried for days. until i felt numb. and was out of tears. you disgust me, i cant even eat.

you told me to change for you, for myself, for the better. and i tried. i did. but you didnt. you never did. you cheated on your ex, and now on me. you went out with a girl, brought her to places you promised to bring me, watched a movie with her you told me you wanted to watch with me. you lied. you filthy liar.

how do you even look at yourself in the mirror after what you've done?

arent you ashamed of yourself?

you should be.

you're a coward, weakling, you cant stand up for the ones you love. if i were rich i'll send you to a plastic surgeon and tell him to attach some balls to you. you need them, seriously. but sorry im not rich. so you gotta find them yourselves. i heard city hall sells them. which one do you prefer, "jerk" or "bastard"?

im not sad anymore that we're together. im just so angry. and hurt. im so angry i could give u double kick where your balls should be and sucker punch on the face. but what do i get by hurting you? i dont get satisfaction by hurting someone. im not like you. or maybe, i dont purposely hurt someone to make him or her hate me. i dont hate.

what did the 10 months mean to you? was i a playtoy you found, something to keep you company and loved when u need it and throw away when u find something better or got bored? then why the fark did u do that to me?

i never did lie to you. maybe one or two white lies like i told you i ate dinner when i actually didnt. and like i told you i watched cartoons when it was actually sappy indo dramas. i loved you, stupidly, so much. they said,

"love like theres no tomorrow. dance like theres noone watching."

and i did and this is what i get in return of my faithfulness and undying love. idiot.

and fark. we just came back from bintan, we just celebrated our 10th month and your farking birthday. didnt you think of all that before you did what you did? do you even think?

then whats the point of going to RI for 4 years and still not being able to think. or only think at certain times and do stupid things when not thinking.

if i had lied to you or cheated you or hurt you in any way possible, i would have understood why you did what you did but faaark. i hadnt.

and what if i hadnt found out that you cheated on me? would you have hid it from everyone, keep lying to the people around you, lying to yourself, and think you could get away with it?

and like i said and will always tell you,

change yourself, before you change others.

now leave.

BITCH

yesterday didnt happen.

i didnt wake up quarrelling with my brother.
i didnt leave home fuming mad with my mum still nagging.
i didnt meet izzat and iylia and left them both.
i didnt check my awful results.
i didnt cry incessantly.
i didnt eat.
i didnt go for silat and busted my knee.
i didnt meet izzat and screamed at him.
he didnt let me see his phone.
he didnt msg her.
she didnt msg him.

if i know that my guy friend has a gf who hates me, with all due respect, i'll stay away. not pour sad stories and expect sympathy and pity out of the guy.

go find another shoulder to cry on, bitch.

and if i were a guy and i know that my gf hates this girl cuz she was flirting with me, i'll tell her to stay away. but apparently, some guys dont get it.

if im a bitch, ill say it to her face to STAY AWAY.
lucky for you,
im not.

and did my bf said i hated you?
initially i didnt. had no reason to.
its okay if u mutually flirted with him.
i never did hate you,
until last night.

merdeka!!!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY!
ITS FINALLY OVER!
FREEDOM!
MERDEKA! MERDEKAAAAA!!!!

ARE MY CAPS ANNOYING YOU?
MY MUM USED TO SMS ME USING CAPS.
NOW SHE USES SMS SHORTHAND LIKE
wr r u
cm bck nw
trf mn
cl me
AND EXPECTS PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO SAY.
AND YET PEOPLE DO.
ITS A MUM-THING.
LIKE HOW MUMS MUST ANNOY YOU AT LEAST ONCE EVERY SINGLE DAY? ITS A ROUTINE. THATS HOW THEY SHOW HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU AND HOW MUCH THEY CARE. SO WE HAVE COME TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT ANNOY=LOVE.

THUS I ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

OKAY.
we ditch the caps and talk about how happy i am.
exams over sia. and they saved the best paper for the last.
PSYCH STATS is like A Maths of uni, in other words, CRAZY.
but Alhamdullilah, i thought it was pretty do-able. its undeniably SUSAH NAK MAMPOS but do-able would suffice for now.
so much for wanting CAP 4.0. impossibleismo. the sem started off bad bad bad. and what was i doing? waterfest planning. SHEESH. blame everything else but you.

i miss being smart. i bet noone believes my L1R5 ifor the Os was 7. kebabats! 7! sigh. thost were the days eh. i have temporary intelligence disorder.

anyhoos, its about time i can sit here and stare into space and say, "OH NO I'VE GOT NOTHING TO DO." but aisyah being aisyah, i wont allow that to happen so i've prepared a litany of THINGS TO DO AFTER THE EXAMS. but theres a big big problem: There's no such thing as free lunch. (wah ber-economist nampak!) AHH ECONS! THE HORROR!!
dont ever stuff econs sh** up my face EVER AGAIN. unless i get an A for econs which is impossiblismo! oh well :( (whats with impossiblismo, aisyah? -no eye dear) haha no eye dear sak. GILER. GILER is an understatement. okay no UNDERWORD. more on gilerness and what nots later but pls..can u stop making me digress?
(i didnt finish my econs paper. i know. what the fish.)

yes. so back to my list of THINGS TO DO AFTER THE EXAMS. i plan to do so many berlambak things and i dont plan to work, but im earning negatives and i want to spend so i have to work, not that i want to but i HAVE TO. so am i considered unemployed if i dont work? do i make up the labour force participation rate? HAHAHA econs sh**. superpokes econs. throws econs book at izzat. i HATE ECONS, and he's probably doing it for the rest of his life or so.

he said the most contradicting thing in the world just now: girls should marry when they're 25, no more. GLARES AT IZZAT. seriously dude. who's waiting for who now?

sheesh kebabs. im FAT. i need to run. OH RUNNING tops off my THINGS TO DO AFTER THE EXAMS list. wee. then i wanna swim and climb and sleeep. YES SLEEEP. i had the exams pimples and the exams eye bags and the exams puffy face. i slept for 3 hours after my paper just now. punyer lah shiok!

but dreadful! the weather! the higher authority is punishing us for the many sins that we have committed! the weather is just FREAKIN HOT these days. i remembered when i was in thailand last year and the sun was like DAMN HOT even when u walk in the streets u can feel the SCORCHING HOT sunlight burning your skin cells and i was thankful Singapore isnt like THAT but i spoke too soon. i swear its equally as HOT here now as it was in thailand. GAAAH. i hate pollution! i'll join rudy in his environmental rights revolusion!!!

talking bout rudy boy. HAPPY 21ST TO THE GUY WHO CALLED ME WOMAN THE FIRST TIME WE MET and im not kidding, so was he. i thought he hated me when he said "hey woman!" (i think he did) scary mary. anyways, we had a partaaayy at moomoos crib on saturday. haha moomoo ke per. adz was extraliciously nice to organize the post exam party (even tho i havent finished my exams) at his house. it was fantabulously giler. we played FAST FACTS OF THE DAY which made me laugh until i cried (whats new right aisyah?) but no seriously. rudy and iylia are the 2 most wittiest tak leh angkat smart mamats ive ever met. and i thought them how to play the infamous BABI. rudy's reaaaallllyyy bad at this game. iylia couldnt keep his mouth SHUT and izzat won lah (we should play babi more cuz thats the only time izzat can keep quiet). it was a blast :)
then i spent 17hours on sunday mugging for STATS. skipped lunch and shower cuz they take up time. hahaha.

okay doks. FREE ONLINE MOVIES here i commmeeee!!!

annoy you,
aisyah :)

the friday

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

these past few days have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

SHEESH KEBABS!

i cried countless of times for the silliest reasons,

and i laughed so much until i cried,

izzat's damn right-

im such a wreck!

have u watched madagascar escape 2 africa?? YOU HAVENT?!

GO WATCH. watch it after a goooooood day of mugging. you'll deserve it. trust me.

look out for motomoto. izzat dint tell me he acted in the movie.

haiz.

u cant trust guys these days can you?

hahahaha, im such an ass.

ive been annoying izzat everyday for the past 2 weeks.

we quarrel about the littlest things,

we forgive and forget the next minute,

we merajok again the next day,

make it up to each other in a while.

OMG im dating a girl!

hahaha.

i love you, sayang.

even though u were laughing not at the movie, but at me.

you were always my shoulder to cry on,
my sleeve to wipe my tears away,

literally.

muahahaha.

lets watch PS I LOVE YOU after the exams!

bring a measuring cylinder along.

u should keep a record of the amount of tears i produce in movies.

anywayyys.

talking about exams,

they're 10 days away.

and i know,

like what am i doing here right?

seriously, aisyah.

u cant blame rowing now for ur bad grades.

theres only u, urself left to blame.

sheesh.

i wish i was smart again,

like i was before.

hmph.

okay, lets not kill the mood here.

i went to smu's starry night last friday.

my first gig with izzat.

it was pretty good.

the first band kicked ass!

(sigh. still can watch gig before exams.)

(kater budak AC kan?)

hahaha.

talking about AC...

i told izzat i dont like his school cuz it reminds me of my old school.

he got so defensive sehhh.

scary mary.

we met shan and ross for a movie the other day too.

yahhh, i smsed in and won the movie tickets.

SEMANGAAAT!

i was supposed to go for the subaru challenged too.

but i wanted to give that guy a chance to win.

i havent gotten my driving license anyway.

oh, SHAN is gigantic! looook!

we watched BLINDNESS which was this really mind boggling, and twisted movie. sucks ur brain juice dry watching it.

thats why, go watch madagascar 2.

motomoto - the name's so nice, u say it twice.

HAHAHAHAHA. okay, studying makes u giler.

1st december...quick come!

WHY I SHOULD BE SLEEPING?

• cuz its 2.52am and i have to wake up at 6am later cuz coaching starts at 8am.
• and i have school from 12pm to 4pm
• and i have got to watch films after that
• then i gotta study
• which means that i need the sleep

AND WHY AM I STILL NOT SLEEPING?

• cuz i woke up at 11am today
• slept again while studying from 2pm to 4pm
• drank coffee, ate chocolate cheesecake and nasi lemak and indian rojak
• and im not sleepy but i feel that i am but im not

WHY DO I CHOOSE TO WRITE ON MY BLOG?

• cuz i havent written since i quit rowing
• and yes i quit rowing
• yes u heard that right
• aisyah finally quits
• and cuz im too lazy to facebook
• my facebook is slow. how do i delete all 2000 requests?

SO WHAT ELSE HAVE I GOT TO SAY THIS EARLY MORNING?

• i just heard the early morning birds chirp
• im gonna get eye bags for the rest of the week
• plus bloating
• i need to run, but ive been giving waaayyy too many excuses not to run, cuz im just a lazy bum, and no wonder im fat and my but is dimpled. well actually its not but its gonna be dimpled soon i can just feel it. i think.
• ive spent my hari raya collection away on daily expenses
• wait, what hari raya collection?
• i shisha-ed on sunday. and i hated it.
• ive been studying, not hard, but just studying, enough to make me feel less guilty. but for the past few tests which i studied and sat for, i did very badly for them and for those i dint study for, i did better than expected. so im quite apprehensive abt studying now.
• i regretted not studying hard for my As. which leads to bad results. not getting scholarships. paying the uni fees. and burdening my parents. but stupid thing to regret now.
• but ive never thought money will be an issue in education until now.
• shit expensive education
• i received a letter form HOTA congratulating me that ill be turning 21 soon.
• my back and shoulders have been aching for a week.
• i feel awfully old
• i hate growing up
• im tired of thinking
• i watched BLINDNESS with shan and ross, with izzat.
• i ate megabites 3 times last week.
• thus, the fat thighs.
• and my mum said i should go sleep

okay dah. BYE.

YOU
i hate it every time i have to see your face.
i hate to talk to you.
i dont hate you but im sorry,
you make me hate you.
you leave me with no choice,
to hate you or to hate seeing you.
you say things that make me so angry.
but i dont tell you these
i keep these things inside
so that when i reach home or when im alone
i can laugh them off
so they wont hurt me inside
then ill smile about it
and tell myself that its okay
ive tried my best
its okay if they dont see what ive put it
its okay if they think i suck
and that im talentless
and hopeless
as long as you know ive done your best
i think thats all that matters.
what i say wont change a thing about you.
what i say dont matter.
and there's always some bad thing that you have to say about me.
but dont take my silence as a weakness,
be grateful that i respect you as an elder
and that anytime you're gonna pass on
and make the world a better place
im sorry but hey
the truth hurts.

and you,
you of all people.
youre supposed to be my shoulder to cry on
but if you make me cry
who's shoulder should i choose?
and i have to plan early
like whom im gonna spend my 21st birthday with
when you're away
im not blaming you if you have to leave
you do what you gotta do
but im just being a nuisance
how can you stand me
are you even willing to bear with me for the rest of you life
if God permits us to be together
till the end of time

and you,
you emo momo
kanasai.
shut up
and study.
if you dont meet your goals,
who's the one who'll be crying her eyes out?
mum will think you've been playing around too much.
and stop you from doing activities
then you say no
its not the activities that make you fail
then what?
maybe youre just stupid.
but stupid people dont go to uni.
oh really?
then maybe youre just lucky to end up here.
and wasting your parents money.
and maybe its true what they say
that youre good at nothing,
except netball and rowing.
go do something about your life, pls.
before you eat worms and die.
ure so morbid.
but so is life.

maybe rowing isnt everything

they say angry people say things they dont really mean.
so maybe he didnt mean to call me a liar, to tell me that he wished he could have said GO TO HELL to me, said that i have been doing RUBBISH for him, called me a FAILURE and a NOONE.
maybe he dint mean to hurt my feelings. it was just out of anger.
maybe i wasnt hurt by his words cuz he dint mean what he said, right?

or maybe i was so damn hurt, im just telling myself that he didnt mean it.
avoiding the truth, is the best way to avoid pain.
so why the hell did i cry when it wasn't hurtful and he didnt mean what he said?

maybe you dream of becoming the best in the world one day.
and they say no dream is too big.
and they tell you to dare to dream.
they give you all these false hopes.
and then u come to realise that there will never be a chance
that you can ever achieve your dreams.
unless u make MAJOR sacrifices,
u know they're not worth making.

the say passion beats anything to keep your dreams going strong.
is it?

i dreamt to row for singapore,
and my dream was fulfilled.
my goal was to win a medal in sea games,
and last year, my wish was granted.
and now, i dream to be an Olympian,
u snort, and laugh,
and u shake your head and say "dream on",
nothing, i told myself, can stop me from achieving my dream.
and i would have killed u if u have doubts about me being able to reach that level.

until Friday, 29th August 2008,
i realised that the world is cruel,
malicious,
vicious,
unfair,
and PAINFUL.

u cant make everyone happy.
u cant get everything u want.
in fact there are times when u get nothing u want and get everything u dont.
and the truth always hurts.

on friday, 29th august,
one old man can change the lives of many.
and one old man's words can kill you slowly.
and one old man can hurt you so bad,
he shattered my dreams, my hopes, my goals.

and how the hell am i supposed to tell myself that its okay?
and maybe its not meant to be?

or tell myself that he's angry and say things he doesnt mean?
how long more do i have to layan this old man?
until he pisses the shit out of me?

cruel, cruel world.
who dares to beg to differ?

run nus

i think everyone should run along the RUN NUS 10km route at least once in their lifetime.
its okay to be masochistic once in a while.
u wont be doing this very often.
if ure ever in need of a new running route and you havent tried the RUN NUS route,
tell me.
im not a sadist.
its not that i wanna see you suffer on the treacherous uphills and downhills and the winding roads of the route.
but, i wanna see you achieve things you never thought you could,
like what i did.

Saiyidah Aisyah (30007)

Your timing is 1 hr 16 min 51 sec
You rank 13th out of 45

my FIRST 10km race;
may it not be my last.

the best is yet to be.

(the best is yet tobe keperrr.)

they say no dreams are too big,
but i realised in singapore,
unless u play tabletennis,
you can kiss the to-be-an-Olympian dream goodbye.

cruel, cruel world.
face it.

allasiacup day one.

and today i rowed in my W1X heats.
and i came in last. i wasnt tired. i didnt even try.
it was such an embarassment.
they asked me how was it, and i had to say that i was last.
it wasnt about what people think,
but about what i think.
why didnt i train?
why didnt i try?
i gave up, totally. i have nothing to hide now.
what kind of athlete, ROWER in fact, cant take pain?
who gives up easily.
who makes it so easy for the rest to beat her.
i hate myself for the race today.
i hate myself for not even trying.
and he says why am i so pessimistic,
why do i put so much unnecessary pressure on myself.
and i say, cuz im a rower.
and i cant take defeats.
if i lose, i want to lose trying.
not giving up like what i did.
even if i lose, ill make sure they have to row hard to win.

tomorrow, i shall race.
today wasnt a race.
it was disgrace.

august.

okay lousy. i havent updated for ages. look what ive gone through.

• PBM Dikir Barat Collaboration with guys.
  
  

• UNITEN Invitationals 2008- Putrajaya.
  

the four of us went - me, guillaume, freddie and syahir.

syahir and freddie rowed in the doubles.

guillaume rowed in the mens singles.and i rowed in the women singles.

and yes, we had to wear a lifejacket.

Guillaume and me won our singles races. :)

we won RM100 each and this huge trophy. the exact same one i won last year. muahaha.

it was pretty annoying travelling with these 3 boys. we stayed at the UNITEN hostel which means i had to stay alone in the girls hostel which was about 30mins walk from the guys! i dint dare sleep alone in the room so i bunked in with this UTHM girl, Hana :)

okay, yes. muker slenger sorry.

we stayed there for 4 nights but my race was only on the last day. it was quite annoying. i was suddenly appointed team manager, more like a mother with 3 annoying nak kene sepak kids. not bad, one french, one chinese and one malay eksyen angmoh.

this is the eksyen ang moh one.


oh and it was guillaume's and freddie's first time in KL so we HAD to go sightseeing and look at the petronas. exciting, yo.

and the KL komuter train is MADNESS during rush hour. singapore's morning rush is nothing compared to this! giler. now i have KL-Komuter-o-phobia.

ooh and there was the Japanese university rowing team, Shiga Uni. they absolutely love to do that, sorry i cant resist it. and i blend in quite well, dont i? muahahaha.

they are adorable! and they did this really cute dance on stage during the dinner, or somewhat a cultural performance.

the malaysians did their 'hari kebangsaan' routine. the songs and dances u see every year on tv3 druing their national day.
and nicholas. there. he surely have something to say everytime our eyes meet. always finding faults in every single thing i do. scolded me in front of everyone, so much so that im already numb to his words. called me a failure, no leadership, no initiative. what not.

sigh.



and recently,

izzat invited me to SMU's and LaSalle's Rewind.Pause.Forward. A night of hot chicks and gorgeous hunks in baju melayus of yesteryear, today and the future.

and okay, i thought we looked hot too, dont u think?

(atiqah fairus and me were swooning over Khai the DJ guy from NUS, the one who appeared in CLEO's top 50 bachelor. yes!!! that one) hahaha. sorry i dont have a picture of him. nyaha. who needs khai when uve got him?

:)

hypertension

OKAAAYYYYY im back!

my life has been pretty exciting these past few days i swear if life goes on at this rate and intensity, by the end of the month, i'll get hypertension!!!
SERIOUSLY, i wish i could just s t o p t i m e !

ERGH.
okay, like in late june, we played human foosball! me and fifi were the ONLY girls in the whole competition! how exciting! we were quite good, i have to admit that. only that guys being guys, they cant take it if a team with girls can win them so some decided to play dirty, we got kicked, slammed, (iylia got hugged by monsters), i scored a goal okay!
izzat decided that we call ourselves Sugardaddies & Saltymommies! mouthfuuul of sugar and salt, i tell youu. rudy was a damn good keeper, i have to say. rudy boyyy.
yeah, there were 10 teams, Top 8 receive cash prizes. We dint manage to get into Top 8. One Goal Away. ERGGHHHHH.
but anyways, it was realllyyyy fun. (why do u like to draaaggg your words, aisyah?)
despite getting kicked by IYLIAAA!!! omg can u imagine a guy kicking ur ankle?! it was bruised for about a week. :(



aww, dont be so sad, guys. there's always next time. i still think we deserve to win tho.

and then, there was captain's Ball competition organized by the NUS MS. with 3 netball players, 1 golfer, 1 footballer, 1 rugger and 1 softball player, how can we possibly not win?!

cash prize: $200

number of players: 7

each player receives $28.50

each player pays $12 for registration

each player makes $16.

not bad. :)

and for a team that has never trained before, and a captain who looks like she's going to bed whenever she wears her track pants, CHAMPION TEAM, bebeh.

and then comes FOC (aka NUS malay camp). i was faci with rasheilla. we named our group CICAK cuz the theme of the camp was something about refugees and surviving. the story goes like this, refugees are like cicaks, there's so many of them, the government neglects them and sometimes kills them. similar to that of a cicak's life in our house, there's so many cicak we get annoyed by them sometimes we attempt to kill them but they usually will have ways to escape from us and thus, we are survivors, like cicaks.

and yes, that was utterly mengarut.

wait, and we stand for animal rights.

RIGHT.

rash, farah, me and dannylah.

me and rash :)

telekong pictures are the best. i just couldnt help it, sorry.

and hey, look at me kick drg the silat performance. bwahaha!

hello? BEST GROUP, pls. :) :) :)

and (phew finally) last week, we had a cicak gathering at mosi where we played babi and shaheen was crowned Hajjah Babi and we were so kecoh in that small little cafe i think we chased the other customers away, but anyways, congrats to shaheen!

and on sundayyy,

the monstarz had a mini reunion at fish & co. exciting-ness :D

we met HADYYYYY!!!!! *screams*

and my best friend's looking gorgeous that night.

then we chilled at Ben & Jerrys where aj blanja-ed us ice cream!

i love adib's attempt to pose like AJ.

ERGH. love them all.

and him, especially...


okay, enough of the jiwangnesss.
and last exciting event of the month was PBM's anugerah night. (exciting?)
we were supposed to be clad in ORIENTAL clothes. but oh well, we tried.
me, fil and fiz got turned down by 3 cabs on our way out.
very exciting.




okays, thats all i guess. i havent trained for the Run NUS. i havent trained for my rowing race in KL in bloody 2 weeks. im fat, i give lots of excuses and im broke.

exciting month? totally.

DIVA and you

STORIES OF LIFE

hahahaha.

MENGARUT.

ok,

story #01

one hot sunny day, a mat and minah jiwang decided to go to the beach.

they had so much work to do but they chose to lepak at the beach.

(warning: they are not your normal mat and minah. they are not jiwang. they are just pretending.)

(more warning: photos might be disturbing. they can be annoyingly slenger nak mampos. and ultra jiwang it might get u started on singing, "RINDUUUUUU RINDUUUU SERINDU RINDUNYAAAAAAAAA...")

then mat pilates and the minah yoga thought it would be cool to pose with the MAT they brought. (the mat stole his house carpet)


and i think they make postcard-picturesque pictures. dont u think so?

then they went to meet Charlie at his workplace which was so far away it felt like they had to travel to another island just to meet Charlie. they talked about business. (see i told u they were pretending to be a mat and minah. they have very important things to talk about and settle.)

moral of the story: dont judge a book by its cover.

a malay couple lepaking at sentosa might not be your typical mat and minah, well not most of the time.

story #02

one day,

a group of 5 girls met at boon lay mrt station at 7.30am.

for some it was their first time meeting each other.

aisyah knew everyone.

syafiqah knew 3 people.

meizhen and sha knew 2.

and haryati only knew me.

it was amazing how a group of girls who were almost strangers to each other, never trained together before, and hardly plays soccer come together to form a soccer team and got into the Top 8 of the Diva La Futbol Cup.

i think we're either lucky or just too good.

i think its the latter. :)

this was the results for our first round. we were bottom 3 (was it on purpose? hmmm) and went on to fight our way for the Diva La Cup.

We beat Nanyang Whoosh (a school team) through a penalty shootout where i was the keeper (SERIOUSLY) and meizhen and sha scored 2 and i saved 2. :) :) :)

then we got into the Top 8 and i let in a stupid goal. boo :(

but oh well, we went that far, and so close to the cup. i was telling fifi, we must get top 3 before we grow old(er) and cant play any more! InsyaAllah :)

and we are so garang tak jadi! muahahaha!

so when we lost we weren't sad at all considering the fact that we NEVER trained, got bullied when me and fifi played with the mats at the neighbourhood soccer courts, and just knew each other on that day itself. then, we played volleyball on a bouncing platform (aka BOSSABALL). it was daaaaaamn fun.


we simply couldnt stop bouncing!

and i think this was the best picture of the day.

anything can, huh? :D

then i went over to Bukit Batok CDANS Chalet where my sec3/4 class had a bbq. there was so much food, i called izzat and friends over for dinner.

and liyana and me got addicted to Wii. :D

<3

moral of the story: have fun before term starts.
dah.

LOVE you, especially the people in the photos above! :)

and welcome back, ama.
and shaheen, faster come back.

everyone's overseas.
when's my turn? :(