omgomgomg.
this is so stressful.
got myself in such trouble.
i feel like slitting my wrist.

i feel so stupid.
i woke up this morning from the vibrations of my phone.
nus smsed me my results for my final yr exam.
omg.
i dont know whether to be sad cuz its friggin bad.
or whether to be happy cuz its my last results from nus, ever.

i feel so so stupid.
signed up as a coach in this particular school.
thinking that i have all the time in the world to make this school win the zonals.
then rowing started, yog's around the corner, nie's gonna start soon.
(YES. NIE)
i dont know if i can commit.
and i just cant bring myself to tell them i cant commit.
papers have been signed. they know my face.
what if they see me alg the streets next time and spit at my face. :(
and i spent like an hr, crying about it.
im such a wreck.

havent been going for silat,
not even to support them.
but bedok is just way. too. far.
but thats just an excuse.
but its true.
ugh.
sometimes i cant stand my own fickleness.
its amazing ive survived 22 yrs living with myself.

the futsal comp's ard the corner.
go futsal can, go silat cannot.
ive learnt things the hard way in life:
you cant make everyone in the world happy.
true that.

im feeling so suicidal.
which path should i choose?
pills? slashing? building?
HAHAHA.
omg, im scaring myself.
blisters on my hands already make me cry.
and so does false alarms twisted ankle during soccer trng.
and im thinking abt killing myself.
i must be kidding.

is this scaring you?
dont worry. im still sane.
i love myself too much to commit suicide.
i'd rather die rowing for the nation then dying over stupid things.

ok STOP IT WITH THIS SUICIDE SHIT.
crazy woman.

and rowing.
training has been pretty tough recently,
and just as intensity has started to pick up,
coach wants to taper it down.
wow.
i wonder how im gonna survive that 2k.
and my blisters. ugh.
i cried in the boat yest bcuz they friggin hurt.
33 and counting.

i watched shrek 4 and cried.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
my tear ducts have no control over themselves.

when i row hard,
i feel like dying,
but i know coach wont let me die.
so that makes me row even harder.

i dont know if im as mentally strong as before.
i'll know, soon enough.

sometimes i wish i lead a normal life.
having a normal job.
regular pay.
no fuss, hassle-free.
no training.
no feeling tired after trng.
no competition to train for.
long term goal is to earn money
and build a happy family.

but most of the time,
im thankful i dont lead a normal life.

i think my life is awesome. :)