after the fall

last sunday was like this ultimate turning point in my life.
since the fall, ive been brooding at home, waking up in the afternoons, having breakfast at 12pm, sleeping when there's nothing else to do,
and there is nothing else to do,
so all i do is sleep,
eat,
stare,
sit,
shift,
sleep,
eat,
and the cycle repeats itself.
like the life cycle of a depressed and dying creature.
the greatest distance i covered is to walk from the bathroom from my room to the kitchen.
the most exciting thing i did was to have my dressing changed at the polyclinic.
i still cant stop thinking about it.
the slope.
the fall.
the pain.
the blood.
and shit, the 3 jabs of anaesthetic on my toe still makes me shiver.
the wounds on my knuckles, wrists, elbows and face are pretty much recovering fast. but the bruises on my thighs are still painful.
i saw my toe the other day i went to change the dressing at the polyclinic.
it was disgusting.
the artificial nail was placed on my toe where my toe is supposed to be. and there's two strands of thread around my toe to keep the nail in place. the nurse said there's no stitches on my skin. but she doesnt know what's underneath the nail. it was still bloody and shit.
it still hurts
like fark.
shahul had to say,"it looks pretty. like a manicured toenail."
i shouted in pain and got scolded by the nurse behind the curtains.
pampered child, she said.
at that moment i wanted to push her down a slope on a bicycle and make sure her toenail got ripped off.
bitch.
the wound on my knee is recovering as well.
when i left the room, people were staring at me. one lady said,"poor girl, so young."sigh.
today i went to change the dressing again. i was happy when i woke up this morning cuz i could walk faster, well, okay, just a little, but anything to make me happy, okay. today, i dont have to wait for an hour for my queue number to appear cuz i already have an appointment with the dressing nurses. and today, the nurse who scolded me the other day was the one who changed my dressing.
shit, i know.
she was damn rough la. i dont know whats her freaking problem.
like hello bitch, im in pain, can u like slow down a little and treat it nicely?
omfg. i was badly holding back my tears cuz i dint wanna get reprimanded again.
she asked, "oh were u the one who was screaming the other day?"
uhhh. she actually remembered. should i feel honoured?
the wound was so dry the gauze got stuck to it. so she had to rip off the gauze and shit lah, it was just freaking painful.
"i know its painful," she said.
...
i saw my toenail up close today.
i almost vomitted i swear.
it looks so bad, the nurse thought i was involved in a motorcycle accident. sheesh.
one look at my toe and i know it will take weeks to recover and till then, no rowing. right there and then, all i wanted to do was to curl up in my bed and cry.
the flesh right next to the nail was like flat, u know u're supposed to have this ridge where the sides of ur nail comes in contact with ur skin? well, mine is flat which means the flesh there is gone.
"it will grow back...soon," shahul happily commented.
recovering is one thing, waiting for the farking toenail and flesh to grow back is another. i cant wait anymore.
i cant. :'(
when she exposed my toe, it just hurts like hell lah.
i simply couldnt describe the pain.
and the wound on my knee still hurts like farrrk. its still bleeding. still red and raw. there were loose strands of the gauze on the wound and she happily picked it out with the pair of plastic tongs.
i was just praying it would be over soon.
and i was walking even slower when i came.
so much for the improvement in the morning.

coach called me yesterday.
rowing.
its all i think about since i fell. ive been training like SHIT since january. earning only a few hundred dollars every month from the camps ive done. while my friends can earn at least a thousand or almost a thousand every month. other than that, im still surviving on my mummy's wallet. and my paycheque always goes to handphone bills.
sacrifice.
u have to make sacrifices to become a successful national athlete.
sacrificing work to train full time.
setting myself personal goals and targets to improve everyday. to be able to work my ass off into the sea games. i was already settling in comfortably in that phase where i was willing to do whatever it takes to row and produce results.
and just as i was celebrating my success of losing my tummy fats,
it happened.
how can i not think about it?
waking up 5am everyday, 15 rounds around the stadium every evening. weights lifting of 200 reps. just when coach complimented on my improvement during my water time trial,
it happened.
i was at that stage of an athlete's life when everything was smooth sailing. how can i seriously not feel like SHIT?
YOU TELL ME.
and now i sit at home, sleep and eat.
whine, cry.
my whole life totally changed.
okay, im pessimistic, they say.
what else have u got to say?
is that the best u can do?
its not as easy as you think.
trying to make so many people happy, when u yourself are not happy.
life's a bitch.
okay, so i shouldnt think about the past, look towards the future.
ahh, i see myself starving to lose weight cuz if i dont freaking reach the lightweight target by may i freaking cant get selected into the sea games and id rather freaking die.
and months of training, all that stamina and strength and what shit, all back to square one.
amazing how one stupid day, one stupid mistake, can totally change your life.
im sorry im being whiny and shit.
i just cant get over the fact that im unable to do things i really wanna do and like hazi put it nicely, im invalid.
this strong feeling of utter regret.

pause.

okay, so its my fault that i went cycling and didnt tell mummy about it.
karma.
what goes around, always comes around, no matter how hard u try to hide it, stash it in the bin, burn it to ashes, throw the ashes into space, God will always find all kinds of ways to make it come around. its like death.
inevitable.
almost everyone who found out about my accident said the same thing, learn your lesson, aisyah.
taking freaking 5 mins to walk from my kitchen back to my room sure does taught me a lesson. never to take things for granted. and if it ever crossed ur mind that im being treated like a princess at home where my family members will do things for me and shit, im sorry, never happened. my mum accidently kicked my toe twice. hurrah. and i dont see whats so fun pretending that ure about to step on my toe or kick my knee. and if u ever do, oh, ure in so deep shit. and dont try to run away.
i've learnt one thing for sure, never to cycle down a slope ever again. period.

okay, lets look on the bright side.
zak and sha visited me the other day. they came over and fried nuggets, potato wedges and fries. and the glutinous rice balls. oh, from my own freezer, mind you. but okay, they were so sweet.

and shaik buys me dinner every night.
i know.
sweet.

things people do for love.

get well soon, aisyah.
cuz i freaking cant wait to row anymore.
ergh.
and sorry guys, aisyah will never stop whining, for as long as she lives.