And then,

So as you already know the past few months have been one of the darkest periods of my life. I never really thought transitioning from being an athlete to living a normal life is going to be this hard, especially knowing that i can never do normal.

Recently I was sharing with someone that I was going to find scholarships to help me fund for my studies. She told me, "why can't you work like everyone else?" It cuts me deep to hear that. I have been working, I worked, I earned, and then I helped a brother pay his credit card debts because I didn't want him to face going into bankruptcy at a young age. Was she there with me when I went through this?

And then there was the questions that people incessantly ask me, "are you still rowing?" or "have you retired?" and when I tell them I'm taking a break, a wave of disappointment washes over them. Do they know what it means to put aside your life to train? Time that you will never earn back? Sometimes I will feel bad and I will say things like, "I'm still aiming for Tokyo. I'm still training and just needing to sort out stuff with rowing so that I can get back on track." Just to make them feel happy. But why?

It is true though that I am still sorting out stuff. I've bene through and going through alot with rowing. If I can tell you all the stories, I would but it's not time yet. For now, I shall focus on being the best version of myself everyday. My priorities for now will be getting this masters and securing an awesome career.

Recently I had a chat with a sponsor who broke the news to me that they are not going to continue to support me because I am not competing anymore. Which is fair but of course, hard to swallow. I was expecting it so I was nonchalant about it and was open and honest about my situation. But of course it doesn't make sense competing only to be sponsored kind of thing. you know?

But when I walked out of the office, I felt...free.

And just a few moments ago, an old friend reached out to me and asked me if I knew this person. And I said yes, I do. And he said, he heard this person saying nasty things about me. And I know, I KNOW, I shouldn't bother but it hurts. It hurts so much to know this especially knowing that you have all these things you can tell the world but you keep it deep inside you because you're too nice.
I wish I could be less nice and be mean. But why would I want to wish that upon myself? I'm an advocate for always being kind. Always see the good in others. I must not change who I am just because of what others say about me.

These people are mean because they are jealous. They are envious of the position I am in. They hurt me, and bring me down because they can't bear to see me happy. But I will not let them win. I will not be daunted by them. I will stand tall.

I will rise above them all, you will see.
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