The Return of the Aisyah

I guess it's finally back to return to the good old blog. Just because the aisyahrower blog should be pretty much about rowing and aisyah as a rower but I want to be more than just a rower. I want to be a human. And often when I write a post, I'll be asking myself, is this appropriate to be posted on aisyahrower and often the answer is no so it ends up either in the draft folder or in my ever notes, waiting for someone to chance upon it when they use my laptop or my phone or something like that.

So yes, I haven't been competing in rowing since 2016. Well, I did a Masters race with the Easter Rowing Club in Hong Kong in October 2017 but like a proper 2000m, last race was the Asian Champs right after Rio in September 2016. I would lie if I said I haven't rowed since then because there are a few times when I was out on the water in Singapore. I also did some coaching in Vermont and managed to steal a few opportunities to row on the Hosmer and later on the Charles in Boston and even in Zurich once when I had a 6hours layover on my way to Nice from Montreal.

Yes, I have been around the world, my goodness. But my life seems like a repeat and it is going nowhere but around and around and back to square one.

Very quickly, let me summarise what life has been since Rio 2016:

After the Asian Champs in China (which I can't even remember which city, maybe Beijing, because I think it was where the Olympics was held), I went to train in Philly with Vesper. It was fall and it was cold. It was probably the first time in my life I was wearing pogies. I liked Vesper because I was driving a really cool car and I know that I was being paid and I didn't had to worry about money because everything was covered- car rental, accommodation, fees, etc.

And then in January, I returned to Sydney but remembered I hated rowing so much. I went for the training camp but it wasn't in Jindy. I can't really remember where it was but I left after a few days because I hated it. I drove back to Sydney and met Rob and we sat at the beach. I believe it was Maroubra. And I felt relieved. I was happy. I told AB and he said that he will give me a 6 weeks break or something like that from rowing.

I learnt how to swim and did some boxing. I dislocated my shoulder in February and was sitting on the bicycle for at least 2 hours each day every single day because that was about the only thing I could do. It was either at home or in the altitude chamber. I dislocated my shoulder again 3 weeks after the first dislocation while showering.

I remembered my first day back on water at the new Sydney Uni boat shed. It wasn't amazing. It was hard. All I remembered was that everything was hard. Or that I've become soft. Either way I wasn't enjoying rowing like how I used to.

Then I had to leave Sydney in May. I think me and Rob got together somewhere around that period. There wasn't an exact period when we got together again but it somehow happened. I remembered liking him alot when he took care of me when I dislocated my shoulder. Rob left Sydney too to get back to the UK. We had plans for Canada by the end of 2017.

I went back to Singapore in May and decided that I wanted to run away because I'm good at that, so I went to do some farming in Sweden, in Enkoping to be exact. It was in the middle of nowhere, hardly any wifi, so it was good for the soul kind of thing. Farming was mundane but I learnt alot. The hosts made their own cheese, planted their own fruits and vegetables, they were self-sufficient, it was a very hippie lifestyle, and I know I won't want to do that in the future but it was a great experience.

After WOOFing, I met Yati and Henrik for midsummers, and then left for Oslo, Norway. I didn't really fancy Oslo and I was supposed to fly to Dusseldorf to meet Zakiah for Hari Raya but I was sitting at the train station in Oslo crying because I miss home so I bought a one way ticket home.

I went back to Singapore to start training for my first triathlon. Did a random Europe trip in August for no good reason but just because we were both not working. I think we went to UK first, then flew in to Venice from there, drove down to Croatia, passing by this city in Italy which I can't remember at the top of my head right now, Piran (Slovenia), and the cities we visited in Croatia were Zadar, Split, Dubrovnik and we also went to the islands Hvar and Brac. Okay now I remember, it was Trieste in Italy. We also drove into Bosnia and Herzegovina and visited Mostar which was a pretty interesting.

After this random Europe trip, we went back to Singapore where Rob spent 3 months there. He was just like training, I guess. Not sure for what, really. I guess he was supposed to look at the possibility of working in Singapore? He was working on his photography skills. And then in October, he broke his foot on the day I did my Aquathlon where I came in 1st in my age group, not bad considering I just picked up swimming at the start of the year. And I spent the next 2 months pushing him on a wheelchair, including our trip to Bali. Bali was beautiful but we didn't do much because it wasn't really the most accessible place in the world.

After Bali, we went back to the UK to celebrate Christmas which was beautiful. We left for Vancouver because we wanted to experience Vancouver at its coldest. There was just so much snow and I skied for the first time in my life. I love winter. I told myself that I am going to train for the Winter Olympics.

And 2018 came around, I started work in February. Quit in May because I refused to be sucked into the world of 9-5 (more like 8-7 where I worked). I went to train in the morning, went to work, and then couldn't muster up any energy or motivation to train again in the evening. Life was mundane, work was OK, to be honest, it wasn't all that bad. But oh my life, it was on repeat, day in, day out. I needed to get out of there. I didn't even had time to wash my hair.

I used up my leaves before I resigned to visit Rob in UK and we road tripped around Wales which was incredible! I fell in love with Wales. I did most of the cycling alone.

I also came up with a 100days of me project which was to be able to do a handstand by the end of 100 days (which was the day I turned 30). I could only do a  wall handstand. And till today, still cant do a handstand. It requires you to train everyday and WHY DO I FIND IT SO HARD TO DO IT EVERYDAY IF I CAN ROW EVERYDAY FOR THE PAST 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE?

After Wales, I left for Singapore, finished up my work and went back to the UK to be with Rob. But I felt like I was wasting my days away so I went to the US to volunteer at a rowing summer camp in Vermont, met a couple who told me that they would be able to host me in Boston if I wish to row on the Charles, so I went over to Boston, and life took a 360 degrees turn.

After Boston, I was supposed to coach in Saratoga and New York City but I didn't because plans changed. So basically I was just travelling, training, looking at schools, etc. I applied for schools in the UK but postponed them because I didn't want to be in the UK. Rob and I broke up.

I saved alot on accommodation since i found this housesitting website. Loved the fact that I could stay in a home for free at places I never imagined myself staying at like next to the World Trade Centre in NYC and on Commonwealth Ave in Boston.

After US, I cycled up Mont Ventoux in France, visited Paris, took a bus to Dusseldorf in Germany which passed by Brussels, Belgium and Eindhoven, Amsterdam which I thought was pretty cool.

The gearing on my bike broke down which sucks because I spent alot on travelling with my bike and I cant even use it.

So here I am, back in the UK, spent a few days with my best friend in London and now doing some cat sitting in Bath. I love Bath.

Somewhere in that muddle, I launched my YouTube/Podcast series called Sports Gala Show. I interviewed some athletes, learnt a lot from them, but haven't had the time to edit the rest of the videos. BECAUSE I'M FUCKING LAZY.

I also got a gig to coach rowing machine at Triple Fit.

So there you go, story of my life. I feel that my life has been on repeat. I try and I fail, or fail to try. I dont know but I must keep reminding myself that it's okay to start again.

I do have occasional mental breakdowns, sometimes more often that I should. Just because I feel useless and aimless without a sporting goal in mind. It is scary how we talk about post-Olympic depression and shit like that but I believe I went through it. My life was a mess, although you dont really see it in me or in my social media, but I was not a happy camper. I tried to fake it till I make it. But I end up going round and round in spirals that brought me to nowhere.

So now I need to get out of that rut. I am going to take ownership of my life. It is absolutely okay that I am not competing, although it is hard to accept. But I know that one day, I'll be back. Wearing the national colours on my back, the Singapore flag on my chest. I know that I am not ready to leave yet. There is still a fighting spirit in me. But I'm gonna make sure that when I finally retire from competitive sport, I will have something to fall on to. A career that would make me as happy as sports does. That is my aim now. To build that career I'm gonna love.

And love, well, that's for another story.

xx