nokoraya.

hello.
today training was good.
i think i did pretty well, so much so that elsie gave a pat on my back.
woof woof.
i was tired but i guess i told myself that i wanted to prove them wrong.
im glad i did.
then after training we were packing our oars for our flight tmr.

i was pretty excited, honestly.
then my boss and my new coach said they needed to talk to me.
so i went to meet up with them after i had my shower.
guess what they told me.
im not going korea.
i didnt know whether to laugh or cry or shit or just die there on the spot.
i chose to cry. laughing will make them question my mental state of mind.
at first it was a tear or two.
i heard they were saying about
commitment
studies
hari raya
weight
future
gold
understand
then they had to continue
pain
strength
embarrassing
last
national athlete
lazy
taking things for granted
weight
weight
weight
oh god
tears were flowing out of my eyes like maaad
i cried and cried
i dint bother to wipe them off
until the front of my shirt was drenched.
then it was as if someone threw a shoe right at my head
and brought me back to reality.
look on the bright side, i was telling myself, as they were still at it.
weight
weight
eat
drink
less
fit
strong
weak
u were complaining a few days back u dint wanna go korea cuz u wanted to celebrate hari raya
then why the hell are u crying.
firstly i cried cuz i couldnt believe my wish would actually come true.
then i should wish to get a medal for sea games this yr.
prolly it'll come true as well.
oh wait, i should wish to be able to MAKE WEIGHT for the games this yr.
pathetic, aisyah.
this is not you.
u know u can do it but why didnt you?
nicholas is right.
what kind of athlete are u?
taking things for granted.
even wai mun and mimi who arent selected for sea games are still working their ass off.
what the hell are u doing?
he is so right
what the farking hell am i doing.

i was actually already looking forward to go korea actually
thats the second reason why i just couldnt stop crying.
oh well,
mummy said maybe ader hikmahnye.
too much hikmah, mum.
so im not all fully sad and depressed.
but im a whole lot disappointed.
i have to work harder i guess
u guess ur pantat!
u must u idiot.
make that weight by nextweek then i can go thailand
if not, i wont be going sea games at all.
hoho then if i dont get to go sea games
NO
i'll be going sea games.
i will.

again i ask myself,
is this what i really want?
is this all worth my sweat, tears and blood?

i guess theres no point looking back and regretting.
i know theres alot of people at the side lines cheering me on.
its just up to me to do what it takes to achieve it.
wee.
i took that pretty well, didnt i?

pretty well?

my eyes are like puffer fishes stuck to my eye sockets.
just dont ever mention korea to me.
i'll just burst again.
booyah.

i was so depressed i went for a baju raya shopping at geylang with shaik.

i got myself a purple baju kurung.

it took my mind off rowing for a while.

until i reached home and sat down and do nothing.

then i started to think.

gaah.

i wish i had a car and drive myself to laos or something.