The GET-YOUR-SHIT-TOGETHER post

I thought I needed to pen down my feelings here.
I feel like my emotions are all cooped up in my head, I feel like I'm gonna explode soon.
At the end of the day, when I feel like I'm at the lowest point in my life, this is where I will look for a reason to stand up again. This is where I remind myself why I started rowing in the first place. Why this dream is so important to me and what shit I've been through and why giving up is NEVER an option. Why I should fight for what I believe in.
This is where life slaps me in the face and tell me to WAKE UP MY IDEA. GET A GRIP ON MY LIFE. GET MY ASS OFF THE SAPPY SHIT OF BEING EMO AND WEAK. AND DO MY JOB. I have one job. One job I have been wanting to do all my life. One job I dream of and I'm fkg living the dream. All I have to do is to row fast. One job, Aisyah.

I knew I had to look at this blog again today because I feel like my life is going down and down and I can't just sit here and watch myself die like this and my dreams taken away from me. I HAVE TO STOP THIS NONSENSE SHIT.

Today, I learnt a few very important lesson that I believe is going to make my whole life turn around.
I learnt that the only reason you didn't get something, is because you didn't want it hard enough. You can give yourself a million excuses, you can be at your peak of your performance but if you didn't want it bad enough, you won't get it.

I wished my morning didn't happen.
I tried to pretend it didn't happen but you know, pretending it didn't happen is way harder than accepting that it happened and move on.
THIS IS ANOTHER IMPORTANT LESSON I'VE LEARNT TODAY:
Don't run away from your problems.
Face it, and overcome it.
VERY IMPORTANT, AISYAH.

So today, I sat on the erg to do the 2k piece and finished it with a FUCK and threw my shoes on the ground. The splits I did were not even close to what I do for trainings. I don't even remember the last time I threw a tantrum because I had a bad session.

WHAT IS FKG WRONG WITH ME?

And then I cried for what seemed like hours.
FUCK YOU, AISYAH. Stop being such a weakling.

So I did ask myself, "What's wrong with me?"
And life gave me an answer that dropped from the sky and hit my head so hard it split my brain open to see myself better.
Nothing, says life.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
All these excuses of losing myself and wanting to look for myself again, of not having any confidence, of needing a reason to be angry at something to make me row hard, all these whinings and complainings that I tell myself, all these pretence to be consumed by fear, all these hate towards the person I am now, ALL THESE ARE JUST THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD. They don't exist if I don't let them exist.

Lesson learnt from that whole emoshit experience:
STOP GIVING MYSELF A REASON TO BE WEAK. STOP GIVING FEAR A REASON TO STOP ME FROM DOING WHAT I DO BEST IN. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR BEING SLOW. YOU ARE NOT SLOW YOU KNOW THAT.

There.
I feel heaps better now, thank you.

Let go and move on.
10 weeks to the races. Let's do this, Aisyah.
Be who you're meant to be.
Decide. Commit. Succeed.

xx