pondering

aye.
im just waiting for evening to come by so i can go out and meet raf cuz i'm gonna watch pirates of the carribean with her, savvy? haha.
YES YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT!
she invited me to watch with her at the gala premiere tonight. (oh shit. my spelling is so bad i had to look up the online dictionary to check out how to spell premiere.)
yay yay. im gonna watch it tonightttt. yay yay im gonna watch tonight~
muahahaha. aisyah's so annoying, i know.
and it wont open until like what, next week? yay yay.
i love rafidah. i love rafidah. i love rafidah.
hahaha.
giler.
anyways, i've been going for training almost every morning. cuz the competition starts next week. NEXT WEEK! i still have some more weight to lose if not i couldnt qualify for the lightweight category. grar. been trying to cut down on my meals and shit. suffering? totally. but yesterday, i found out that i lost about a kg in 2 days so im quite happy. yay. absolute NO for stupid liquid diets which made me binge right after the diet sort of ended.i can say that im doing quite good. and i really do hope that i could do well for my race cuz i realised how much ive sacrificed for this.

the pressure is on. i can taste it at the tip of my tongue.

trainings have been okay and not so intensive cuz coach says i have to build up my endurance. quality, not quantity, he always says. sometimes, i wanna do well- for him. for coach. he's not say a perfect or best coach but for everything that he's done for me, for the past 2 years, i wanna repay them all by doing well, for this year at least. he may be stubborn and hypocritical at times but then to think again, so is my grandma and all the old ppl in the world. he can be pretty annoying when i row but thats just part and parcel of being an athlete. his programs are not the best, maybe not even good, but i know he tries so hard to make sure we all go out there and win something. the only major flaw i find in him is communicating with the athletes. he's not really into sports psychology and shit like training the mind of the athletes thats why i realised that i have to build up this aspect of myself on my own. that includes being strong psychologically, being mentally prepared for races and having the perseverance, determination and all that shit.

and that paragraph was so random but i thought well maybe he deserved some credit. haha.

so rowing for 2 hrs straight has become a norm. when i first started trng after the stupid accident, i found catching up damn hard. i cried everytime i rowed. fatigue starts to kick in, getting out of breath easily, the strong annoying winds that blow in all directions, the merciless sun shining so ignorantly brightly i can actually feel the heat burning my skin, bad techniques, slow pace, stupid PUB boat which creates massive waves, all kinds of excuses and things to blame i would find. and it made me feel terrible. like its all my fault that the accident had to happen. its my fault i wasnt wearing shoes while cycling. my fault that i couldnt row for 3 weeks. its all my fault. so i cried and cried. and cried. anger. sadness. misery. guilt. disappointment. depression. everything. and the program that i do most of the time is steady state for like 17km thats why when it gets quite sian (most of the time) i'll start to ponder about all these things. silly me.

but now i guess everything's going alright. even though i know my performance would be much much better if i hadnt had the accident but right now, this is the best i could do for myself.

oh but horrr. for the past 2 days when i walk into the training centre alone, ive been freaked out by banglas. my bangla-o-phobia's back to haunt me. yesterday one of them waited for me outside the gates leading into the rowing centre. i pretended to wait for a taxi and talked on the phone. i was so scared i cried while walking in. today, another bangla was staring at me when i walked past. he actually stopped cycling and stared at me you know! like gonna eat me up! i quickly walked up to the reservoir. and he cycled away. faaaark these people. another one and i swear im gonna complain. stupid people.

ergh.

whats with me and excessive crying anyway. too much oestrogen in my blood. not good. makes me look like a crybaby. sheesh.

anyway i was sitting on my couch just now doing absolutely nothing, (yes, i am that free.) when i suddenly thought of those good old secondary school days. sec 1 and 2 was when we hanged out alot at lot 1 after school having the major dilemma of where to eat forcing each other to decide a place, sharing stupid lame jokes, laughing like we own the place, laughed until our jaws hurt and we cried, chilling out watching chick flicks at elly's, playing with john2 who doesnt really like to play with us, eating elly's mum's yummy finger foods, taking the train together, talk loudly in the train, cheering competitions, practicing and rehearsing at random cck void decks, getting weird stares and complains by residences, yu hao as my partner, silly, garish, outrageous class tees we never wear them to go out now, me getting top 10 in class (wchich never happened again after sec1 and sec2) being in the best class, with the best people, having the bestest friends. best times. (oh shit. i feel like crying.) and now the guys are in army. the girls are working (or bumming around like me). miss ong yi pin is long gone but not forgotten (haha!). everyone has gone on their different ways, doing different things, at different places. sometimes i wonder if i am the only person who misses those days we spent together. will they even remember me in the next 10 years? imgaine if we have a class reunion in 2017. we'll prolly go with our husbands or wives and kids. omfg. so exciting.

sec3 and 4 were alot different. my class was detched from the rest cuz we had cabin classrooms. surrounded by smelly and pervetic boys who can talk all day abt sex and porn. in front of ME! being in a class filled with nerds and geniuses sometimes i wonder how i ended up there. the most annoying person sat next to me throughout 2 years but i still miss him tho. lesser hanging out at lot 1 cuz we mug quite a lot. being the only class to end school at 2.4opm (and shit i still remember) when other classes can end as early as 12.30pm. failing physics and amaths. being bottom 20 in class. pimples. white hair. pressure. countless past year papers. ten years series. whoa.

imagine zin htet 10 years later with a gorgeous burmese wife and junior kyaws. hahaha.

and will eben and shang long end up together?

will yi shin have a girlfriend for real?

try and visualise little shahrils!! omg.

one thing for sure, BP totally changed my life.

sniff.

aisyah's so emo these days. why ah?

gala gala premiere, gala gala syalala!

excited nyer. i wanna meet celebs. wonder who i can see tonight? taufik? hahaha.

random entry i know.. hoho.

dont be jealous im watching potc TODAY hor.

i love rafidah.

and the ha-lame girls.

and everyone else mentioned in the long grandmother stories above.

i met liyana at causeway point and i miss her.

and khadijah NEVER fails to send me a birthday card every year.

emo sey, minah.