And then,

So as you already know the past few months have been one of the darkest periods of my life. I never really thought transitioning from being an athlete to living a normal life is going to be this hard, especially knowing that i can never do normal.

Recently I was sharing with someone that I was going to find scholarships to help me fund for my studies. She told me, "why can't you work like everyone else?" It cuts me deep to hear that. I have been working, I worked, I earned, and then I helped a brother pay his credit card debts because I didn't want him to face going into bankruptcy at a young age. Was she there with me when I went through this?

And then there was the questions that people incessantly ask me, "are you still rowing?" or "have you retired?" and when I tell them I'm taking a break, a wave of disappointment washes over them. Do they know what it means to put aside your life to train? Time that you will never earn back? Sometimes I will feel bad and I will say things like, "I'm still aiming for Tokyo. I'm still training and just needing to sort out stuff with rowing so that I can get back on track." Just to make them feel happy. But why?

It is true though that I am still sorting out stuff. I've bene through and going through alot with rowing. If I can tell you all the stories, I would but it's not time yet. For now, I shall focus on being the best version of myself everyday. My priorities for now will be getting this masters and securing an awesome career.

Recently I had a chat with a sponsor who broke the news to me that they are not going to continue to support me because I am not competing anymore. Which is fair but of course, hard to swallow. I was expecting it so I was nonchalant about it and was open and honest about my situation. But of course it doesn't make sense competing only to be sponsored kind of thing. you know?

But when I walked out of the office, I felt...free.

And just a few moments ago, an old friend reached out to me and asked me if I knew this person. And I said yes, I do. And he said, he heard this person saying nasty things about me. And I know, I KNOW, I shouldn't bother but it hurts. It hurts so much to know this especially knowing that you have all these things you can tell the world but you keep it deep inside you because you're too nice.
I wish I could be less nice and be mean. But why would I want to wish that upon myself? I'm an advocate for always being kind. Always see the good in others. I must not change who I am just because of what others say about me.

These people are mean because they are jealous. They are envious of the position I am in. They hurt me, and bring me down because they can't bear to see me happy. But I will not let them win. I will not be daunted by them. I will stand tall.

I will rise above them all, you will see.
x

A little bit about my recent travel adventures

So, I'm gonna use this platform to rant and to write anything that I feel isn't suitable for my readers on Aisyahrower.com. (Yes, you may be surprised but I do have people reading my blogssss! I'm well surprised myself!) So I came back from a 2 months trip where everything didn't go according to plan during that trip. Here's a brief recollection on what happened:

May: I left my job at NP because I wanted to look for greener pastures. I felt that my daily time at work could be better used developing myself in the field that I am more passionate about. I'm not saying that I wasn't passionate about student development. I like my job, I enjoy working with students and helping them "develop" but I wanted to do more. I wanted to change lives. I mean I still could change lives as a student development officer but PLEASE CAN I GET ON WITH MY STORY ALREADY. Just assume that I've thought about it well and through that the current job that I was in was not helping me grow anymore. In fact, I sat on the dilemma for WEEKS. I even had to consult Google asking her: "how to make hard decisions" and rewatch Ruth Chang's Ted Talk on decision making over and over again to make sure that I'm making the right decision.

But as we all know very well from life experiences, there's never a right decision. Life-changing decisions are meant to be hard. That's what makes life exciting and worth living for, right?

Right.

I remembered crying so much on my farewell party because it is hard to find colleagues who care about you so much that it hurts to leave.

So off I went, heading to UK to start my masters and live with my ex-bf in London. I've already applied in some schools and got accepted, so close to getting a scholarship to get my Masters funded and then, I broke up with my ex (thus, called an ex now) and didn't see a reason for me being in London because that would mean higher living costs and all that having to live alone, etc.

June: I continued my plan which was to volunteer at a summer rowing camp up in Craftsbury in Vermont, USA where I met the most amazing rowing people. Being there reminded me of why rowing is fun and how beautiful it can be if you remove the distractions caused by politics and power and even sometimes the idea of competition. Rowing is such beautiful sport, I've trained so hard and so many times that it started to lose its meaning and enjoyment.

Anyway, Vermont is beautiful and I met a couple there who said that I MUST ROW ON THE CHARLES and that I can stay with them if I do head to Boston. So I went to Boston, stayed with the beautiful couple in their beautiful house and rowed on the Charles. I absolutely fell in love with Boston.

How can you not love this view of Boston from the water?

And then I did a cat sit in Boston right in the middle of the city along one of the most expensive areas to live in. I feel so blessed. I was pretty apprehensive about this cat-sitting thing initially because you have to pay like a hundred dollars of registration fee but it turned out to be a pretty good deal. 

And then I went to New York and again got free accommodation for like 10 days because I was cat-sitting, and right next to the WTC. An airbnb would have cost me a bomb in that area. And the cat was super adorable and easy to take care of anyway. I did another cat sitting in Washington Heights which is in the outer suburbs of Manhattan and faced a cat-sitting nightmare when the poor kitty had diarrhoea and was pooping all over the floor. Nice.

After NYC, I went to Montreal to volunteer with Marco Displatro, a Canadian Boccia player, multiple World Championship medallist, and Bronze medalist in the London 2010 Paralympic Games. I learnt not only on how to work with athletes with muscular distrophy, but also understand more about the sport and the Canadian sport scene as well. I also spent a bit of time with his helper, Joanna, who is a lovely lady from Poland, passionate about Boccia and lots to learn from her.

After Montreal, I flew over to Nice, where I met Ross and Brian and Nice is absolutely beautiful. My main reason to head there is to climb Mont Ventoux, which is one of the climbs the Tour de France cyclists do but not in this year's climb. So up we went, all 1912m of it. My bike's shifters refused to work so I had to rent a bike, which turned out to be a pretty okay bike (nothing like the Tarmac) but oh well.

I reached the summit around 20-30mins ahead of Ross (which I should not bring up again because he's more of the cyclist and not me). Brian was having some problems with his bike but he was brave enough to finish the ride. I'm proud of all of us. It was one hell of a ride, I must say.

Ross and I decided to meet in Paris after we soaked in the sun, sand and sea in Nice to catch the finals of the Tour de France, which was unexpectedly pretty intense and exciting. In a way, it made me want to compete again but...

..but I need to focus on other priorities in my life before I delve into training again.

So after Paris, I took a bus to Dusseldorf to meet Zakiah, because I owe here a visit since I pangseh-ed her last year during raya. Initially, I didn't like Dusseldorf cuz I was there on its hottest week and being a "green" city, they dont use AC and Zak's house didn't had a fan so it was HOT. There also seemed like there was nothing much to do but when I went for the walking tour with Zak (which was also quite boring and dry- haha), I realised that it was the little things about Dusseldorf that made it unique and interesting. I love the fact that it is such a runnable/cycable city.

I took a flight to London, met up with Yatay and actually spent a few days dreading London, although I've always thought I liked London. I think I'm starting to become more of a countryside lover as opposed to being a city-lover. I don't enjoy the high prices, the overwhelming bustle of activities and high traffic or both vehicles and human.I managed to squeeze in a few good runs around the city. One thing about my runs is that I've been telling myself that I should go for long, slow runs, but my long is not long enough! Ugh. Can I not be lazy already?

I need a proper training programme.

Or more like, I need a clear direction in where I want to be in life. UGH.

okay, moving on.

I had a cat sit duty in Bath, which I was dreading initially because Bath is 3hrs away and I'll be completely alone but it turned out to be a really nice house with a really nice cat. An outdoor cat (first of its kind for my house sitting experience) and scared me one day when I couldn't find it anywhere in the house, in the garden or around the area the whole morning! But it came back eventually after 4 hours of worrying me. Bath was beautiful. In fact, I have been there 3 x and this is the first time I've seen it in the sun. The house also had some berry bushes where I helped myself to fresh blackberries everyday and a trampoline! It was strange being alone in a big house but honestly, I kinda liked it.

Bath was the final destination before I headed back home. 

It has been a week since I've been back and to be honest, other than a row with the ERC ladies last week, I haven't really been out in the sun! I've been either cooped at home, in the gym or in some cafe/library on the computer sorting out my life. I haven't missed a day of training since I've been back and that is why I think my body is telling me to rest now. It started with a sore throat yesterday and then a full blown flu last night which made my sleep fog uncomfortable that my head hurts. And now, swollen eyelids, stuffy nose and a head ready to fall asleep at any time.

I do get asked what I'm training for and honestly guys, I don't know. I wish I knew but I don't. So I'm just training to keep my fitness level up and to maintain my strength and I guess that is the way I should approach this and not only do it because I have an upcoming race. Focus on the process, not the results.

I hope to tell you more about each city that I visited and my future plans!

x

The Return of the Aisyah

I guess it's finally back to return to the good old blog. Just because the aisyahrower blog should be pretty much about rowing and aisyah as a rower but I want to be more than just a rower. I want to be a human. And often when I write a post, I'll be asking myself, is this appropriate to be posted on aisyahrower and often the answer is no so it ends up either in the draft folder or in my ever notes, waiting for someone to chance upon it when they use my laptop or my phone or something like that.

So yes, I haven't been competing in rowing since 2016. Well, I did a Masters race with the Easter Rowing Club in Hong Kong in October 2017 but like a proper 2000m, last race was the Asian Champs right after Rio in September 2016. I would lie if I said I haven't rowed since then because there are a few times when I was out on the water in Singapore. I also did some coaching in Vermont and managed to steal a few opportunities to row on the Hosmer and later on the Charles in Boston and even in Zurich once when I had a 6hours layover on my way to Nice from Montreal.

Yes, I have been around the world, my goodness. But my life seems like a repeat and it is going nowhere but around and around and back to square one.

Very quickly, let me summarise what life has been since Rio 2016:

After the Asian Champs in China (which I can't even remember which city, maybe Beijing, because I think it was where the Olympics was held), I went to train in Philly with Vesper. It was fall and it was cold. It was probably the first time in my life I was wearing pogies. I liked Vesper because I was driving a really cool car and I know that I was being paid and I didn't had to worry about money because everything was covered- car rental, accommodation, fees, etc.

And then in January, I returned to Sydney but remembered I hated rowing so much. I went for the training camp but it wasn't in Jindy. I can't really remember where it was but I left after a few days because I hated it. I drove back to Sydney and met Rob and we sat at the beach. I believe it was Maroubra. And I felt relieved. I was happy. I told AB and he said that he will give me a 6 weeks break or something like that from rowing.

I learnt how to swim and did some boxing. I dislocated my shoulder in February and was sitting on the bicycle for at least 2 hours each day every single day because that was about the only thing I could do. It was either at home or in the altitude chamber. I dislocated my shoulder again 3 weeks after the first dislocation while showering.

I remembered my first day back on water at the new Sydney Uni boat shed. It wasn't amazing. It was hard. All I remembered was that everything was hard. Or that I've become soft. Either way I wasn't enjoying rowing like how I used to.

Then I had to leave Sydney in May. I think me and Rob got together somewhere around that period. There wasn't an exact period when we got together again but it somehow happened. I remembered liking him alot when he took care of me when I dislocated my shoulder. Rob left Sydney too to get back to the UK. We had plans for Canada by the end of 2017.

I went back to Singapore in May and decided that I wanted to run away because I'm good at that, so I went to do some farming in Sweden, in Enkoping to be exact. It was in the middle of nowhere, hardly any wifi, so it was good for the soul kind of thing. Farming was mundane but I learnt alot. The hosts made their own cheese, planted their own fruits and vegetables, they were self-sufficient, it was a very hippie lifestyle, and I know I won't want to do that in the future but it was a great experience.

After WOOFing, I met Yati and Henrik for midsummers, and then left for Oslo, Norway. I didn't really fancy Oslo and I was supposed to fly to Dusseldorf to meet Zakiah for Hari Raya but I was sitting at the train station in Oslo crying because I miss home so I bought a one way ticket home.

I went back to Singapore to start training for my first triathlon. Did a random Europe trip in August for no good reason but just because we were both not working. I think we went to UK first, then flew in to Venice from there, drove down to Croatia, passing by this city in Italy which I can't remember at the top of my head right now, Piran (Slovenia), and the cities we visited in Croatia were Zadar, Split, Dubrovnik and we also went to the islands Hvar and Brac. Okay now I remember, it was Trieste in Italy. We also drove into Bosnia and Herzegovina and visited Mostar which was a pretty interesting.

After this random Europe trip, we went back to Singapore where Rob spent 3 months there. He was just like training, I guess. Not sure for what, really. I guess he was supposed to look at the possibility of working in Singapore? He was working on his photography skills. And then in October, he broke his foot on the day I did my Aquathlon where I came in 1st in my age group, not bad considering I just picked up swimming at the start of the year. And I spent the next 2 months pushing him on a wheelchair, including our trip to Bali. Bali was beautiful but we didn't do much because it wasn't really the most accessible place in the world.

After Bali, we went back to the UK to celebrate Christmas which was beautiful. We left for Vancouver because we wanted to experience Vancouver at its coldest. There was just so much snow and I skied for the first time in my life. I love winter. I told myself that I am going to train for the Winter Olympics.

And 2018 came around, I started work in February. Quit in May because I refused to be sucked into the world of 9-5 (more like 8-7 where I worked). I went to train in the morning, went to work, and then couldn't muster up any energy or motivation to train again in the evening. Life was mundane, work was OK, to be honest, it wasn't all that bad. But oh my life, it was on repeat, day in, day out. I needed to get out of there. I didn't even had time to wash my hair.

I used up my leaves before I resigned to visit Rob in UK and we road tripped around Wales which was incredible! I fell in love with Wales. I did most of the cycling alone.

I also came up with a 100days of me project which was to be able to do a handstand by the end of 100 days (which was the day I turned 30). I could only do a  wall handstand. And till today, still cant do a handstand. It requires you to train everyday and WHY DO I FIND IT SO HARD TO DO IT EVERYDAY IF I CAN ROW EVERYDAY FOR THE PAST 13 YEARS OF MY LIFE?

After Wales, I left for Singapore, finished up my work and went back to the UK to be with Rob. But I felt like I was wasting my days away so I went to the US to volunteer at a rowing summer camp in Vermont, met a couple who told me that they would be able to host me in Boston if I wish to row on the Charles, so I went over to Boston, and life took a 360 degrees turn.

After Boston, I was supposed to coach in Saratoga and New York City but I didn't because plans changed. So basically I was just travelling, training, looking at schools, etc. I applied for schools in the UK but postponed them because I didn't want to be in the UK. Rob and I broke up.

I saved alot on accommodation since i found this housesitting website. Loved the fact that I could stay in a home for free at places I never imagined myself staying at like next to the World Trade Centre in NYC and on Commonwealth Ave in Boston.

After US, I cycled up Mont Ventoux in France, visited Paris, took a bus to Dusseldorf in Germany which passed by Brussels, Belgium and Eindhoven, Amsterdam which I thought was pretty cool.

The gearing on my bike broke down which sucks because I spent alot on travelling with my bike and I cant even use it.

So here I am, back in the UK, spent a few days with my best friend in London and now doing some cat sitting in Bath. I love Bath.

Somewhere in that muddle, I launched my YouTube/Podcast series called Sports Gala Show. I interviewed some athletes, learnt a lot from them, but haven't had the time to edit the rest of the videos. BECAUSE I'M FUCKING LAZY.

I also got a gig to coach rowing machine at Triple Fit.

So there you go, story of my life. I feel that my life has been on repeat. I try and I fail, or fail to try. I dont know but I must keep reminding myself that it's okay to start again.

I do have occasional mental breakdowns, sometimes more often that I should. Just because I feel useless and aimless without a sporting goal in mind. It is scary how we talk about post-Olympic depression and shit like that but I believe I went through it. My life was a mess, although you dont really see it in me or in my social media, but I was not a happy camper. I tried to fake it till I make it. But I end up going round and round in spirals that brought me to nowhere.

So now I need to get out of that rut. I am going to take ownership of my life. It is absolutely okay that I am not competing, although it is hard to accept. But I know that one day, I'll be back. Wearing the national colours on my back, the Singapore flag on my chest. I know that I am not ready to leave yet. There is still a fighting spirit in me. But I'm gonna make sure that when I finally retire from competitive sport, I will have something to fall on to. A career that would make me as happy as sports does. That is my aim now. To build that career I'm gonna love.

And love, well, that's for another story.

xx

The GET-YOUR-SHIT-TOGETHER post

I thought I needed to pen down my feelings here.
I feel like my emotions are all cooped up in my head, I feel like I'm gonna explode soon.
At the end of the day, when I feel like I'm at the lowest point in my life, this is where I will look for a reason to stand up again. This is where I remind myself why I started rowing in the first place. Why this dream is so important to me and what shit I've been through and why giving up is NEVER an option. Why I should fight for what I believe in.
This is where life slaps me in the face and tell me to WAKE UP MY IDEA. GET A GRIP ON MY LIFE. GET MY ASS OFF THE SAPPY SHIT OF BEING EMO AND WEAK. AND DO MY JOB. I have one job. One job I have been wanting to do all my life. One job I dream of and I'm fkg living the dream. All I have to do is to row fast. One job, Aisyah.

I knew I had to look at this blog again today because I feel like my life is going down and down and I can't just sit here and watch myself die like this and my dreams taken away from me. I HAVE TO STOP THIS NONSENSE SHIT.

Today, I learnt a few very important lesson that I believe is going to make my whole life turn around.
I learnt that the only reason you didn't get something, is because you didn't want it hard enough. You can give yourself a million excuses, you can be at your peak of your performance but if you didn't want it bad enough, you won't get it.

I wished my morning didn't happen.
I tried to pretend it didn't happen but you know, pretending it didn't happen is way harder than accepting that it happened and move on.
THIS IS ANOTHER IMPORTANT LESSON I'VE LEARNT TODAY:
Don't run away from your problems.
Face it, and overcome it.
VERY IMPORTANT, AISYAH.

So today, I sat on the erg to do the 2k piece and finished it with a FUCK and threw my shoes on the ground. The splits I did were not even close to what I do for trainings. I don't even remember the last time I threw a tantrum because I had a bad session.

WHAT IS FKG WRONG WITH ME?

And then I cried for what seemed like hours.
FUCK YOU, AISYAH. Stop being such a weakling.

So I did ask myself, "What's wrong with me?"
And life gave me an answer that dropped from the sky and hit my head so hard it split my brain open to see myself better.
Nothing, says life.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
All these excuses of losing myself and wanting to look for myself again, of not having any confidence, of needing a reason to be angry at something to make me row hard, all these whinings and complainings that I tell myself, all these pretence to be consumed by fear, all these hate towards the person I am now, ALL THESE ARE JUST THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD. They don't exist if I don't let them exist.

Lesson learnt from that whole emoshit experience:
STOP GIVING MYSELF A REASON TO BE WEAK. STOP GIVING FEAR A REASON TO STOP ME FROM DOING WHAT I DO BEST IN. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR BEING SLOW. YOU ARE NOT SLOW YOU KNOW THAT.

There.
I feel heaps better now, thank you.

Let go and move on.
10 weeks to the races. Let's do this, Aisyah.
Be who you're meant to be.
Decide. Commit. Succeed.

xx

Sydney 2014

I don't update here anymore because I have another blog on aisyahrower.com but I realised that I have to be a bit more careful of what I say there just because 1. I paid for the site 2. I'm assuming more people read that one 3. I can't talk about my personal life there, can I? Maybe I can. Maybe I should. But so far, I've been ranting, complaining, whining, I sound like an awful, miserable being. But that is how my life has been recently. Can't be that bad right?

Anyhoos, here I am again, dying to write because I miss writing crap, things that go unnoticed or don't matter. Where its okay to have a seplling eorror or a grammatical mistakes.

Life in Sydney, as I mentioned before in my other blog (wah, now its like a competition between the two aye about who gets to be filled up with more interesting and latest news- GOD, is my life so boring I start arguing and comparing with myself?), yes so life here has been pretty boring. I don't know why I enjoyed my stay in Sydney last year more than I did this year. And I think I've found the root of the problem- training. Recently, because of the stupid rib injury and all (yes, I was out of the boat for a miserable 3 weeks), I just started to get on the boat again, starting to do things like drills working on my technique which was so horrendous if I was my coach, I'd throw a show at myself and rather stay in bed then to see such rowing! But thankfully, he was patient enough to wait until the 10k was over before heading to work. (I make an amazing coach, I know.)

But let's not talk about rowing here. Since anything about rowing you can go to aisyahrower.com (eh, like promoting my page only).

Also, I refuse to talk about my single life because there are so many better, happier, amazing things out there to talk about! Like how I spent my weekend in Newcastle which is about a 1.5hrs drive from Sydney. So, my friend from SMU, whom I haven't met since I was in uni (gasp!) was over in Sydney so I thought of doing a roadtrip and a good company would be really nice so he said okay and there we were, with a rented car, a last minute accommodation at some beachside backpackers hostel and no plans of where to go what to see and do whatsoever. It turned out to be pretty fun! Newcastle was gorgeous! Despite the nasty winds and the chilly weather, the stretches of beaches were amazeballs. It was such a waste it was too cold to lie down on the beach or swim in one of the ocean baths. So we ended up just viewing, appreciating and walking around, wondering how blessed Australia is with all these gorgeous places.

Before we went back to Sydney, we stopped by Hunter Valley. It was a last minute plan which we almost bailed out on because it was an hours drive inland from Newcastle which would add on to the time we get back to Sydney. But there was no rush to get back to Sydney so to Hunter Valley we went, where I drove most of the time and my co-driver was having a good nap.

And my goodness, Hunter Valley is beautiful. No sand, no sea, but thankfully there was some sunshine which warmed up the chilly weather. Acres and acres of lush greenery, really pretty cottages made into little shops with names you can almost eat like Hunter Valley Chocolate Factory and Cheese Factory. As I'm not a fan of weird, Tupperware-smelling cheese, I bought a gelato. HAHAHA. So anti-climax. I did try a Viking Blue Cheese though, whatever that meant.

So most of the days in Sydney are spent literally on my bed. Rolling around under the warm blankets in the middle of the afternoon. Life is good, you say. Yea. Life is good here thinking about being back in Singapore, having to work everyday of your life, after done with training, only to face the shitnits that people at work give you or even those at home, having to bear the heat, sweating the moment you step out of the airconditioned room, having to squeeze yourself in between the hundred thousand other commuters on the train each day. I don't miss all of those. But I do miss having dinner with my family and friends, having spending time with them, going out with them, talking to people I know instead of having to muster up enough courage to make new friends which can be really draining sometimes. I do eat dinner with my foster parents here, but its not the same as back at home. Food is great here, but the company just feels different and you just can't replace your family with anyone else. I miss going out with people, it feels great to be travelling alone and discovering new places but sometimes it sucks to ask yourself if you look good in this dress or that, no one to argue with you on where to have dinner and to sit in a café alone. You can even wear the same clothes 3 times in a row and absolutely noone will notice! WAH SAD LIFE.

Hahahaha. I'll be fine, I know it. It's just another 21 days till I get my ass back home anyway. And then there's a race in Marina (which will be so exciting as it would be the SEA Games 2015 venue!) and who knows, I'll be somewhere else around the world for another month or so. That's my life, I guess. So better if I just deal with it rather than fight it and end up being the miserable one.

I guess I should be grateful to have understanding employees who are willing to let go of me for a few months and still want me back at work (I hope) and the opportunity to be staying in another country and training full-time, although alone. There's a hundred other things out there for me to be thankful about! So I should BE GRATEFUL and stop complaining. #TellingMyselfThatForTheHundrethTime

I am grateful. Always am.

Like how its been 6 months since the Games and people still want to interview me and feature me. Sometimes they can be tiring (but they haven't bothered me since I'm here, though) but I try not too get too involved in the scene or else I might be distracted and that would put a big cross on my coaches's faces which you wouldn't want. But sometimes I would go back to reading what people write about me and it serves to remind me about how f*d up my life was last year, having to train and work and having no funding, using my own pocket money to travel but eventually, I did it. So I have things better in many ways now.

Taa.

2 weeks to SEA GAMES

So in case you haven't heard, its 2 weeks to the SEA Games. How scary is that?
That means its 2 weeks more of Sydney. 2 weeks more of beautiful beaches at my doorstep.
its down to the last 2 weeks to do whatever I need to do to improve on my rowing. to be faster stronger and most importantly, lighter. I have been having problems with my weight, I must admit. and the chilly weather here is not helping at all. but I am confident I am able to lose weight on time.
so, its really scary how 9 weeks have passed in a blink of an eye. how much ive been through it all. the broken nose. the fractured orbital floor. the torn retina which had to be lasered up and I was frikkin wide awake. the thousands of dollars having to spend on the medical fees. the sore back. spending almost a thousand bucks on physio and massage, which taught me an important lesson never to take for granted what ssc has provided me with all these services for free. the scary but thankfully short rib injury which is feeling so much better now. being off water for a week. and getting back in faster, stronger and more determined than ever. I think everything happens for a reason and I am grateful for whatever that had happened, even if it did put me out of the boat, it made me realise how badly I wanted to row. now that im back, and its down to the last 2 weeks, I must make full use of it. every single training counts. every single thing that I eat makes a difference. everything that I do will determine if I get that gold medal or not. and hell, I want it so bad, so fkn bad. I will do anything to get my hands on it. anything legal, of course. I think doping is just for losers who call themselves athletes and tarnish the name of sports.
but yeah, I want that gold medal so bad.
2 weeks to sea games.
3 weeks to my gold medal.
LETS DO THIS.

wednesday

3 days before i leave
3 million things to do.

just wanted to share something i discovered today. i mean, its not a discovery, more of a reminder per se: Everyone has their own shit to settle. Noone's shit is bigger than another person's.

That's it.

SEPTEMBER

september has been full of crazy shit nonsense.
after i came back from korea, it felt that i was a changed person.
on water, i was definitely faster, or so thats what i think. i mean, i did an 8:03mins for the 2k in korea. thats madness! thats like 14s off my pb!
i havent gymmed much cuz coach has reduced my gym sessions. so i dont know if im stronger.
im definitely fitter now, i did a 10:16mins for my 2.4km the other day which shaved off 44s off my previous pb set in 2006.
but besides the fact that im all of the above, im kinda lost my track of time. i havent been very productive at work. and im leaving for sydney in like 5 days.
im excited, and i cant wait to get so much faster and fitter and stronger. but before i leave i have a whole lot of shit to settle at work, at home, all over singapore.
its crazy how many things im leaving behind.
CRAZY.
i just wish time will stop just for this week, just for me. and give me a chance to drop whatever im doing, and smell the roses. even if its for a day. or even an hour. i wish i can just not think of anything. not do anything.

ive been rowing/running/gymming every single day since i came back.
4:30am alarm. 7am training. 9am rush to work. and the late nights at work.
repeat.
im tired.
but i know that i have to do this.

"if you want something you never had, then you've got to do something you've never done" they say.

here's to 11 weeks of being a better person, InsyaAllah.

The World Champs.

So Korea was amazing.
It wasn't just about the racing, which in fact, went pretty well even if I came 17th in the world. Having a world ranking is probably something not any other being in this world can achieve. And I'm number 17. It's something to celebrate about and cherish. And the best part about racing has to be the fact that I love it. I love love love it. I love the adrenaline that rushes through my veins before the race. I love stepping on the scales knowing that I was naturally made for this event. I love sitting in the quiet room alone mentally preparing myself to get hurt and willing to die on the course. I love every little bit of warming up, the nerves, the racing heart rate as I get into the boat and gets pushed off the pontoon, the starts, the things I think about in the boat during the race. OMG. I love everything about racing and having done 4 races in Korea, I immediately know that this is what I want to do, as long as I am able to. InsyaAllah.

Korea was about new experiences. It's the first time I'm at the worlds with a coach, and a team manager. And the amazing part was that my coach only saw me row for a few days and I've never met my team manager before this. And they were amazing people that made my races even more memorable. The mental preps, the after race talks, the adventures we had. It felt as though I almost had Australian parents.

Korea was about meeting people who didn't care if you're a world champion, or last in your race. The people in Chungju, Korea were the friendliest, kind-hearted, and (again, i'm overusing this word but i cant think of any other ways to decribe) amazing. just downright humble, supportive, and they never, never fail to surprise me and make me smile no matter what the circumstance was.

Korea has definitely changed my life in one way or another. But the question is whether I'm willing to take that leap into the darkness to experience a whole new life in front of me, or stay put where I am and continue to live life as it was before Korea.

---

And right now that I'm back in my office, sitting in front of my computer, doing things that i know wont benefit me in a few years time, waiting patiently for 21 Sept to come, I wonder why we put ourselves through these waitings. Waiting for this, waiting for that, waiting for signs, waiting for things to happen. Life is too short to be waiting around for things to happen! My work is becoming like a burden in my life. Well, I like it and all, and it definitely takes my time off thinking about stupid things and overthinking. And I like my colleagues, and the facilities here and I like the kids, they never fail to piss me off but sometimes they can be such sweethearts. But, I want to be more than just sitting here in front of my computer. I want more than this and I think it's time to move on in life.
Stop waiting. Like the malays will say, GO JER.

Things To Do Before I Turn 30

So last night, I was casually asking my bf, who's 5 years younger than me, how old I will be after the Olympics 2016 (which I am so gonna go), and before he could answer me, I went NOWAY.
I realised I'm not young anymore when the new colleague is younger than me.
I realised I'm not young anymore when I'm getting closer to the big 3-0.
It scares the shitniz out of me, but I think, rather than fearing what is to come, I think the best I can do (and you can too) is to make the most out of the life we have right now.

So I was reading a few lists on thoughtcatalogs and sorts about things to do when you're in your 20s and what to do while you're young, blahs. and I thought of coming up with my own list of what I must do before I reach 30 and what you must know before you reach 25 and that sort of stuff and who knows it might inspire you to have your own list too. Disclaimer: I am not including the spiritual/religious bits of it. I just want to feel materialstic for a while, may I?

MATERIALISTIC THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I TURN 30:

1. To experience all 4 seasons, which means, to be able to touch snow in winter, see leaves fall in autumn, watch the blooming season in spring and bear through the heat in summer. It doesnt matter where but I want to see and experience them all.

2. To visit an exotic island in the Carribeans. One of the beautiful beaches in the Dominican Republic like Punta Cana/Bávaro Beaches, any one of the Turks and Caicos islands, one of 365 Antigua's beaches (or maybe all of them!!!!) ARGH SO MANY OF THEM I WANT TO SEE THEM ALL. I WANT TO LAY ON THE SAND, SWIM IN THE SEA, JUST SOAK AND BASK UNDER THE SUN ALL DAY LONG. Maldives and Bali are too overrated. (actually this I can after 30 but if I get a chance to do it before 30, WHY NOT?)

3. Drive a luxury sports car. Like an Audi R8. For a day? I'll be more than happy to. I don't intend to own one cuz I'm not a fan of small, fast cars. I go for BIG.

4. To go skydiving. I'm not a fan of heights, and I think I won't be able to walk off that plank for a bungee jump.

5. To buy my own vehicle and a house. If I'm still in Singapore by the time I'm 30, I would have to get married to buy a HDB flat. If I'm overseas, I want a hugeass house with my own gym and probably a swanky SUV to complete the look.

THING YOU MUST KNOW BEFORE YOU TURN 25:

1. As much as you hate to hear it, you need to work your ass to live an okay life. As much as I want to be an athlete, I know it won't pay much so I gotta stick to my job and learn to deal with it. Without my job, I don't think I will be able to travel around the world!!!

2. Do a job that you love. I can't stand the fact of waking up every single day of my life waking up to do something that I hate, loathe, don't enjoy or doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day. I mean, my job's pretty okay. It don't feel satisfied with it every day but I think whether or not I do, it depends on how I grasp every available opportunity! Carpe diem, they say. SEIZE THE DAY! Stressful at times, but the fact that I can run to work from my training centre, I have a staff gym, a pool, a running track, a field, I get to play all sorts of sports here, it makes the place a much better place to be in.

3. EXERCISE IS FRIGGIN IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE. Run, gym, do sports, even if it means playing badminton every week or swimming with your kids on Sundays. But please remember that once a week of sweating it out is not enough. You don't eat 1200kcals for a week, do you? And I'm sure your once a week exercise does not burn 1200kcals a session. so, DONT EVER STOP EXERCISING. even when youre pregnant, unless your doctor bans you from exercising. Because when you stop exercising, you will become a blob and its very, very hard to turn a blob into something less-blobby. So don't stop. If you need a source of motivation, give me a call.

4. TRAVELLING is therapy. its is. it makes you realize either:
a. how grateful you are to be a Singaporean or
b. how much you need to get out of Singapore.
and how is that therapeutic? go Sydney, climb the Blue Mountains and tell me how you feel after that.

5. FAMILY is everything. No matter where you are, where your parents are, where your siblings are, keep in touch because they're your family for a damn bloody reason.

I think there's more that I want to do and so much more that you need to know before you turn 25 but time is short. These are all I could think of right now. What's yours?

random injury

so on wednesday (today is friday), I had this sharp pain on the right side of my abs, the obliques area, while rowing. i thought it was a stitch and ignored it. but in ten years (coming to 11 yrs can u believe it?) i've never had stitches while rowing before. the pain persisted even after rowing, and it ached when i walked. on thursday, i thought i should get it checked so i went to pay a visit to dr cormac's new and posh clinic cuz the sports council didnt had a dr that day (how sad is that?) and it was nice to see my fave dr again! he is still the same old. even the way he designed his office is the same. how i wish all doctors are like him. he really spends his precious time with each of his patient, which most doctors over-look cuz they think they dont have enough time to know their patients (i might be wrong cuz im not a doctor so this is a generalised statement). anyway, (whats up with the parentheses?) so yea, the diagnosis was that there is a wee bit of swelling around the right rib area where my obliques are. the dr wasnt sure if it was caused by the bone or the muscle but definitely not a stitch and THANK GOD it wasnt appendicitis (cuz i googled signs of appendicitis and i matched like 50% of the signs). dr said it could be caused by my drastic weight loss which led to lower bone density and thus causing lots of stress on the bone and the area around it (something like that).

so yeah, thought i'd jot this down because it might occur again in the future and i would know what it is. not just some random injury on my abs.

i ran today, it didnt hurt a bit and im happy cuz i have a staff race today and im out to win (i mean who joins a race for fun right?) LOL.

Fasting.

This fasting month, I try to be strong. I tell myself that it'll make me stronger. It will, InsyaAllah. But as I sit here in front of my laptop, waiting for the time to pass as it inches its way second, by second. 9hours. Counting down the hours- Its religiously wrong, but sometimes its mentally healing. I sound like the weakest Muslim in the world. But sometimes, it is just so hard to live through the day after a hard training at 6am in the morning. Especially today. Today is exceptionally tiring, MasyaAllah. Honestly, I feel like just chucking myself under my desk and take a nap, where noone can see me there. I try to be strong. I will not give in to thirst and lethargy. It's hard but I'll get through this. I will.

Courage.

Word of the week.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

I really like that.

This week, I've told my boss, my boss's boss and my colleagues about me taking a 12-weeks break from work. It took a whole lot of courage to do that. Why?
Because I am afraid of rejection.
I am afraid of people bringing me down with their words.
But I shouldn't be right?

I was walking around Causeway Point yesterday, one of those rare days I'm alone, and even rarer that I'm at CWP alone. And I thought to myself as I see this large amount of people as they pass me by, I'm not like them. I wake up at 530am everyday to train. I dont have time to chill, or relax, or enjoy, or shop. I'm different. And I think that's what makes my life so, special. So fulfilled. Being different from most of the people around me. Not superior. I don't think I'm superior in anyway. I just like the feeling that I'm different and that I have achieved so much in my life and I think I'm cool like that. LOL. I'm grateful. I'm grateful for all the things that have happened to me. Good, bad, horrible, amazing. I think life has its way of teaching us things we never thought we can learn from schools or from textbooks, or from the internet. And I'm grateful for this womderful sport that have changed my life altogether. I dont ever think I can be the same without this Rowing.

So, as I told my colleagues about my decision to leave them, I'm so grateful that they understand. Although I know it will be tough on them for a bit as they have to share the burden that I'm leaving but I think it eases my heart a bit to know that they are supporting me.

When I left MOE, it was an easy peasy decision to make cuz I didn't enjoy my life there. My colleagues were horrible, their friendliness were fake as hell and my job wasnt satisfying. I love my job here, I love my colleagues. I love the fact that I can train and work. Although even that took a lot of courage to seek for allowance to do so. But I guess if I don't make the effort, or if I don't step forward, I will never move. I will never improve. I will never win.

I will fully accept that every action I make has its consequence. There will be more work when I come back. Definitely. I guess I have to do what I ought to do. Right now, its to train so hard that in SEA Games, I am unbeatable. I wanna be that. And I will be that. InsyaAllah.

The journey to SEARF 2013, I think.

Next week, we'll be travelling to KL for the annual SEARF Championships.
Objective is to come home with at least a medal each so that we can get selected to participate in the SEA Games.
I'd say my chances are high, looking at the amount of training I've been through, the number of hours I've put on the water. Number of days I haven't seen my mum, or slept on my own bed.
I mean, I have to tell myself I have a high chance of winning a medal.
I mean, I have to win a medal.
I don't think I can live that ride home from KL to SPORE without any medal.
Nah, I got this.
I'm gonna win this shit.
My weight is hovering over 59-60ish. Hopefully it doesn't shoot up for no reason overnight. I've been trying my best to avoid unhealthy food at all costs. I've tried cutting down alot, skipping my lunches, eating like a cat for dinner. I know its unhealthy. But if I don't make weight, are you gonna sit there and pat on my back and tell me its okay that I can't race?
One more week to perfect my stroke.
Gotta take more time on water, not rush through the training. Objective of training is not to finish it, but to perform it to the best of my ability. Yeah, try telling that to me at 6:30am in the morning. I'll probably just tell you to go away.
I'm angsty, like that. Not something I'm proud of, but I'm bloody hell angsty all the time. God knows why. I wish I was more patient, more calm, more relaxed. Why am I so fkn tensed all the time? Stress will make me age faster. I must learn to manage my anger. I must.
So, work-wise. Shit is still shit. Not saying work is shit (not saying work isnt). But oh God oh God, this feeling of "I want to call it quits and row full-time" is back to haunt me. The only thing that is stopping me is the fact that the moolahs *kachingkaching* I am getting right now is pretty good and I kinda like what I do. But being here, and being an athlete, is like being an ice-cream seller and a sushi roller at the same time. It just doesn't mix well together, does it?
Okay, relax. I can't quit. I need to money to travel. Not that I have all the time in the world to travel and visit places and all that shit. I need to travel to compete, to train. To make sure I am on par with the rest of the women in my category. Make sure I'm not dead last anymore when I compete in world-class races. I am tired of being dead-last. I am tired of being the slowest and the weakest.
Yes, work-wise, I still haven't gotten the green light to go for the race next week.
I mean, they can't say no, can they?
If they do, then I guess, it's time for me to say Good-bye to work.

Here is where I rant about growing up.
But that's another story altogether.

I can't wait for work to end today so that I can go home and play my Xbox. Spent $50 on a Batman game last night, I feel like a twelve year old. I can't explain myself anymore, sometimes.

24

So here I am at 6:18am in the crowded bus going to work. I should be getting ready for training for goodness sake but nope. Here I am. Sniffing in the air of kopetosankuit. My dad used to call people who dont shower in the morning kopets. And kopetosanquits is the smell that they produce. Ew.
Im always always always complaining about not being able to train, having so little time on water, not wanting to be here and wish I was somewhere else like the boat. Im always saying I will make a difference to my life. Live the dream. Change. Pursue. But nope. Here I am in the bus going to work. Still.
I dont want to make irrational decisions, ending up regretting my choices in life knowing that I cant turn back (omg my eyes suddenly feel like they weigh a ton!!!)

This is funny but I actually fell asleep while typing the above and forogt about this post totally. Anyhoos as I lay down here, having an hr left spending my time being 24, I feel that I havent seized enough. Some people are already managers and millionares at 24. Im laying here in this half past bed in my rundown training centre earning just enough to make me feel happy. Do I really want this life? Even the greatest rower said that as rowers we cant possibly be filthy rich. Am I willing to forgo that to chase after my dreams?
Yeah.
Im gonna sleep now. Because tmr I have to be awesome on water. That gold is waiting for me.

GRAR

this is like the least necessary thing to say right now amidst the mess and chaos at work but i have this sudden urge to chop off my hair. A STRONG URGE.

should i?

TAKING RISKS

So here I am, back in my office, sitting at my desk.
Its been 10 long days. 10 days of absolutely no work, just the boat and me.
10 best days in March.

Let me tell you something.
So I didn't win in Sydney. I was dead last in the World Cup.
But there was something about racing and being in the boat, and being amongst the other rowers, waking up to row, that makes me want to do it again and again, for every single day of my life.
I love my job. But the love is nothing compared to how much I love rowing. Its a different kind of love. I work, cuz I have to. I row, cuz I want to. And I want to wake up every day of my life doing something I want to, not something that I have to.
So since I came back, I've been thinking. Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Waiting for something to happen? Hoping things will get better? Just sitting here at my desk waiting for lunch time so I can run, waiting for work to end so that I can train. Do I really want this?
I dont.
I want to wake up to row. I want to row before I head to bed.
I went for a Sports Scholarship talk by the Sports Council last night and good news is that the government is opening up more to supporting full-time athletes. Its gonna be a tough fight but I gotta fight for what I really want.
I'm not ready to call it quits and jump into full-time training, but hell I'm sure this is what I really want.
There's so many things I want to do right now and I'm so excited and geared up for things to happen.
I gotta take risks. I gotta stop hoping and wishing and start doing.
Insya Allah things will be good.

March.

Crazy. It's already March. My table at work looks like I have been working here for 35years. Wait, what table? All I see are piles and piles of sh**. I'm so disorganized I can kill myself. I attempt to clean up my table at times but the next minute after I'm done cleaning up, it will magically go back to its normal unruly state. My room is even in a worse condition. I swear I have tried at many attempts cleaning up the sh** I have but it doesn't seem to work quite right. Why can't my room look like an IKEA Showroom? No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem right.
I'm piled with work. It doesn't seem to end. There is never a low period in my office. I'm seriously bogged down. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I really don't.
I know work is my priority when I joined the workforce, but that was last year. This year, I want to be an athlete again. I want to wake up to row. I want to train when normal people are still in beds. When theyre having lunch or dinner. I want ot train like 3, 4, 5 times a day. I want to get better. I want to be the best. But this work sh** is not helping me in any way at all. Noone in the office ever gets it. I keep on telling them again, and again, and again, I'm having a major race at the end of the year. But they just don't get it.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I wish I can just train full-time, and get paid, even if its not as much as what I'm getting now. I just want to train. I'm still young, I know I'm pretty good at what I'm doing. I just want to train.
I don't want to do this anymore. Not now. Maybe I'll come back and do it when im 29 or 30, when my Olympic dreams have been achieved. But really, now is just not a good time.
I must do something about this. I can't just sit here and do nothing about it.
I must end all these.
I must train.

2013

Its like the 8th and I havent made any new year resolutions, and I didn't even reflect on my 2012.
Its like 6:11pm and I'm still in my office, taking every opportunity I have to resurface to breathe.
I have missed like at least 5 trainings this year.
I seriously need to do something about my life. It has to stop running without any purpose.
I have to stop living everyday just for the sake of getting through it. I need to tell myself to live each day with a bigger purpose. I need to bloody live.
This waiting, this part of life where I just sit here and live like a normal human being. This has to stop. I'm not normal. If my dream is to be in the Olympics in less than 4 years time, my life cannot be normal.
2013, watch out.
I'm coming.

DECEMBER.

Already.

And then 2012 will be over. And the world too, probably.

There's the SEA Games next year, Asian Games in 2014, another SEA Games in 2015 which will be special because it would be in Singapore. And finally, there's the 2016 Olympics in Rio which I must qualify for no matter how tough my rivals are and no matter how much my opponents want to qualify too. Sorry babes, everyday I ask myself, "How bad do you want it?" And every single day, I'll tell myself, "F**kn bad". HAHA. Nolah, not so crude like that.

But you get what I mean.

I've been rowing. yay? Sailing still wants me to join them and I havent made up my mind. I KNOW. I hate making decisions, and this is not like some kind of an after training decision making process where you are required to choose where to eat. Because if it was like that, everyday, I am able to try out different things. Rowing one day, sailing the next. Everyone will be living happily ever after that way. But no, life isn't that easy, sometimes. THIS is like a bloody life-changing decision I have to make and I've been pondering and wondering and taking FOREVER to reach a decision and freaking stick to it! It has been a year since I was given the choice to make and yet, no answer from this little fickle brain of mine! DAMMIT.

But then again, I've been clocking 20kms for each of my water training which made 20km doesnt seem so scary anymore. That, I like. With 20km trainings, I feel unbeateable. Cheh.

Okay apart from rowing, work has been !$%*^(&)$>...a mathematical equation?
Work has been complex, confusing, annoying, ridiculous sometimes, tiring, tough, crazy but we all know like a maths problem, it is never impossible. Right? Cheh, not bad use of analogy there. Good job.

I shan't say too much about work cuz these social media work in crazy ways these days. But I do enjoy work, I'm just getting very, very, very, very jaded.

So yeah, I just thought of writing in the blog because I have a list of things to do and I thought I'd jot it down somewhere since now I can't keep track of which "diary", "journal", "notebook" to use, so online might just be the best idea of the lot.

And talking about notebooks, I bought the Samsung Galaxy Note 2 last thursday which is a freaky coincident as I bought my iPhone on 24 November 2010 and I bought my Note 2 on 23 November 2012! Anyway, yes, And last Thursday, I had to send it for repair because some parts of the screen can't detect my stylus. WTF SAMSUNG. I wrote them an email stating that the customer service officer told me that Samsung will "contact" me once my phone is ready but wait, you're collecting my phone and you're gonna call me on my phone? What sorcery is this? Immediately, they sent a reply and called me on my phone which made me wanted to say "I had to use my iPhone while waiting for my Samsung. Sheesh!" But of course I didnt.

So yeah, here's what I gotta bloody finish before December comes to an end:
1. Run a 2.4km below 11:30mins.
2. Sign up and train for Urbanathlon in March 2013 (READ: DO MONKEY BARS. I can't freaking do those things!!!)
3. Do 10 pull ups (Aim was 20 at the start of the year but looking at my progress I better lower my expectations)
4. Pull a 7:25mins 2k erg score.
4. DECIDE ROWING OR SAILING FOR GOODNESS SAKE.