Sydney 2014

I don't update here anymore because I have another blog on aisyahrower.com but I realised that I have to be a bit more careful of what I say there just because 1. I paid for the site 2. I'm assuming more people read that one 3. I can't talk about my personal life there, can I? Maybe I can. Maybe I should. But so far, I've been ranting, complaining, whining, I sound like an awful, miserable being. But that is how my life has been recently. Can't be that bad right?

Anyhoos, here I am again, dying to write because I miss writing crap, things that go unnoticed or don't matter. Where its okay to have a seplling eorror or a grammatical mistakes.

Life in Sydney, as I mentioned before in my other blog (wah, now its like a competition between the two aye about who gets to be filled up with more interesting and latest news- GOD, is my life so boring I start arguing and comparing with myself?), yes so life here has been pretty boring. I don't know why I enjoyed my stay in Sydney last year more than I did this year. And I think I've found the root of the problem- training. Recently, because of the stupid rib injury and all (yes, I was out of the boat for a miserable 3 weeks), I just started to get on the boat again, starting to do things like drills working on my technique which was so horrendous if I was my coach, I'd throw a show at myself and rather stay in bed then to see such rowing! But thankfully, he was patient enough to wait until the 10k was over before heading to work. (I make an amazing coach, I know.)

But let's not talk about rowing here. Since anything about rowing you can go to aisyahrower.com (eh, like promoting my page only).

Also, I refuse to talk about my single life because there are so many better, happier, amazing things out there to talk about! Like how I spent my weekend in Newcastle which is about a 1.5hrs drive from Sydney. So, my friend from SMU, whom I haven't met since I was in uni (gasp!) was over in Sydney so I thought of doing a roadtrip and a good company would be really nice so he said okay and there we were, with a rented car, a last minute accommodation at some beachside backpackers hostel and no plans of where to go what to see and do whatsoever. It turned out to be pretty fun! Newcastle was gorgeous! Despite the nasty winds and the chilly weather, the stretches of beaches were amazeballs. It was such a waste it was too cold to lie down on the beach or swim in one of the ocean baths. So we ended up just viewing, appreciating and walking around, wondering how blessed Australia is with all these gorgeous places.

Before we went back to Sydney, we stopped by Hunter Valley. It was a last minute plan which we almost bailed out on because it was an hours drive inland from Newcastle which would add on to the time we get back to Sydney. But there was no rush to get back to Sydney so to Hunter Valley we went, where I drove most of the time and my co-driver was having a good nap.

And my goodness, Hunter Valley is beautiful. No sand, no sea, but thankfully there was some sunshine which warmed up the chilly weather. Acres and acres of lush greenery, really pretty cottages made into little shops with names you can almost eat like Hunter Valley Chocolate Factory and Cheese Factory. As I'm not a fan of weird, Tupperware-smelling cheese, I bought a gelato. HAHAHA. So anti-climax. I did try a Viking Blue Cheese though, whatever that meant.

So most of the days in Sydney are spent literally on my bed. Rolling around under the warm blankets in the middle of the afternoon. Life is good, you say. Yea. Life is good here thinking about being back in Singapore, having to work everyday of your life, after done with training, only to face the shitnits that people at work give you or even those at home, having to bear the heat, sweating the moment you step out of the airconditioned room, having to squeeze yourself in between the hundred thousand other commuters on the train each day. I don't miss all of those. But I do miss having dinner with my family and friends, having spending time with them, going out with them, talking to people I know instead of having to muster up enough courage to make new friends which can be really draining sometimes. I do eat dinner with my foster parents here, but its not the same as back at home. Food is great here, but the company just feels different and you just can't replace your family with anyone else. I miss going out with people, it feels great to be travelling alone and discovering new places but sometimes it sucks to ask yourself if you look good in this dress or that, no one to argue with you on where to have dinner and to sit in a café alone. You can even wear the same clothes 3 times in a row and absolutely noone will notice! WAH SAD LIFE.

Hahahaha. I'll be fine, I know it. It's just another 21 days till I get my ass back home anyway. And then there's a race in Marina (which will be so exciting as it would be the SEA Games 2015 venue!) and who knows, I'll be somewhere else around the world for another month or so. That's my life, I guess. So better if I just deal with it rather than fight it and end up being the miserable one.

I guess I should be grateful to have understanding employees who are willing to let go of me for a few months and still want me back at work (I hope) and the opportunity to be staying in another country and training full-time, although alone. There's a hundred other things out there for me to be thankful about! So I should BE GRATEFUL and stop complaining. #TellingMyselfThatForTheHundrethTime

I am grateful. Always am.

Like how its been 6 months since the Games and people still want to interview me and feature me. Sometimes they can be tiring (but they haven't bothered me since I'm here, though) but I try not too get too involved in the scene or else I might be distracted and that would put a big cross on my coaches's faces which you wouldn't want. But sometimes I would go back to reading what people write about me and it serves to remind me about how f*d up my life was last year, having to train and work and having no funding, using my own pocket money to travel but eventually, I did it. So I have things better in many ways now.

Taa.

2 weeks to SEA GAMES

So in case you haven't heard, its 2 weeks to the SEA Games. How scary is that?
That means its 2 weeks more of Sydney. 2 weeks more of beautiful beaches at my doorstep.
its down to the last 2 weeks to do whatever I need to do to improve on my rowing. to be faster stronger and most importantly, lighter. I have been having problems with my weight, I must admit. and the chilly weather here is not helping at all. but I am confident I am able to lose weight on time.
so, its really scary how 9 weeks have passed in a blink of an eye. how much ive been through it all. the broken nose. the fractured orbital floor. the torn retina which had to be lasered up and I was frikkin wide awake. the thousands of dollars having to spend on the medical fees. the sore back. spending almost a thousand bucks on physio and massage, which taught me an important lesson never to take for granted what ssc has provided me with all these services for free. the scary but thankfully short rib injury which is feeling so much better now. being off water for a week. and getting back in faster, stronger and more determined than ever. I think everything happens for a reason and I am grateful for whatever that had happened, even if it did put me out of the boat, it made me realise how badly I wanted to row. now that im back, and its down to the last 2 weeks, I must make full use of it. every single training counts. every single thing that I eat makes a difference. everything that I do will determine if I get that gold medal or not. and hell, I want it so bad, so fkn bad. I will do anything to get my hands on it. anything legal, of course. I think doping is just for losers who call themselves athletes and tarnish the name of sports.
but yeah, I want that gold medal so bad.
2 weeks to sea games.
3 weeks to my gold medal.
LETS DO THIS.

wednesday

3 days before i leave
3 million things to do.

just wanted to share something i discovered today. i mean, its not a discovery, more of a reminder per se: Everyone has their own shit to settle. Noone's shit is bigger than another person's.

That's it.

SEPTEMBER

september has been full of crazy shit nonsense.
after i came back from korea, it felt that i was a changed person.
on water, i was definitely faster, or so thats what i think. i mean, i did an 8:03mins for the 2k in korea. thats madness! thats like 14s off my pb!
i havent gymmed much cuz coach has reduced my gym sessions. so i dont know if im stronger.
im definitely fitter now, i did a 10:16mins for my 2.4km the other day which shaved off 44s off my previous pb set in 2006.
but besides the fact that im all of the above, im kinda lost my track of time. i havent been very productive at work. and im leaving for sydney in like 5 days.
im excited, and i cant wait to get so much faster and fitter and stronger. but before i leave i have a whole lot of shit to settle at work, at home, all over singapore.
its crazy how many things im leaving behind.
CRAZY.
i just wish time will stop just for this week, just for me. and give me a chance to drop whatever im doing, and smell the roses. even if its for a day. or even an hour. i wish i can just not think of anything. not do anything.

ive been rowing/running/gymming every single day since i came back.
4:30am alarm. 7am training. 9am rush to work. and the late nights at work.
repeat.
im tired.
but i know that i have to do this.

"if you want something you never had, then you've got to do something you've never done" they say.

here's to 11 weeks of being a better person, InsyaAllah.

The World Champs.

So Korea was amazing.
It wasn't just about the racing, which in fact, went pretty well even if I came 17th in the world. Having a world ranking is probably something not any other being in this world can achieve. And I'm number 17. It's something to celebrate about and cherish. And the best part about racing has to be the fact that I love it. I love love love it. I love the adrenaline that rushes through my veins before the race. I love stepping on the scales knowing that I was naturally made for this event. I love sitting in the quiet room alone mentally preparing myself to get hurt and willing to die on the course. I love every little bit of warming up, the nerves, the racing heart rate as I get into the boat and gets pushed off the pontoon, the starts, the things I think about in the boat during the race. OMG. I love everything about racing and having done 4 races in Korea, I immediately know that this is what I want to do, as long as I am able to. InsyaAllah.

Korea was about new experiences. It's the first time I'm at the worlds with a coach, and a team manager. And the amazing part was that my coach only saw me row for a few days and I've never met my team manager before this. And they were amazing people that made my races even more memorable. The mental preps, the after race talks, the adventures we had. It felt as though I almost had Australian parents.

Korea was about meeting people who didn't care if you're a world champion, or last in your race. The people in Chungju, Korea were the friendliest, kind-hearted, and (again, i'm overusing this word but i cant think of any other ways to decribe) amazing. just downright humble, supportive, and they never, never fail to surprise me and make me smile no matter what the circumstance was.

Korea has definitely changed my life in one way or another. But the question is whether I'm willing to take that leap into the darkness to experience a whole new life in front of me, or stay put where I am and continue to live life as it was before Korea.

---

And right now that I'm back in my office, sitting in front of my computer, doing things that i know wont benefit me in a few years time, waiting patiently for 21 Sept to come, I wonder why we put ourselves through these waitings. Waiting for this, waiting for that, waiting for signs, waiting for things to happen. Life is too short to be waiting around for things to happen! My work is becoming like a burden in my life. Well, I like it and all, and it definitely takes my time off thinking about stupid things and overthinking. And I like my colleagues, and the facilities here and I like the kids, they never fail to piss me off but sometimes they can be such sweethearts. But, I want to be more than just sitting here in front of my computer. I want more than this and I think it's time to move on in life.
Stop waiting. Like the malays will say, GO JER.

Things To Do Before I Turn 30

So last night, I was casually asking my bf, who's 5 years younger than me, how old I will be after the Olympics 2016 (which I am so gonna go), and before he could answer me, I went NOWAY.
I realised I'm not young anymore when the new colleague is younger than me.
I realised I'm not young anymore when I'm getting closer to the big 3-0.
It scares the shitniz out of me, but I think, rather than fearing what is to come, I think the best I can do (and you can too) is to make the most out of the life we have right now.

So I was reading a few lists on thoughtcatalogs and sorts about things to do when you're in your 20s and what to do while you're young, blahs. and I thought of coming up with my own list of what I must do before I reach 30 and what you must know before you reach 25 and that sort of stuff and who knows it might inspire you to have your own list too. Disclaimer: I am not including the spiritual/religious bits of it. I just want to feel materialstic for a while, may I?

MATERIALISTIC THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I TURN 30:

1. To experience all 4 seasons, which means, to be able to touch snow in winter, see leaves fall in autumn, watch the blooming season in spring and bear through the heat in summer. It doesnt matter where but I want to see and experience them all.

2. To visit an exotic island in the Carribeans. One of the beautiful beaches in the Dominican Republic like Punta Cana/Bávaro Beaches, any one of the Turks and Caicos islands, one of 365 Antigua's beaches (or maybe all of them!!!!) ARGH SO MANY OF THEM I WANT TO SEE THEM ALL. I WANT TO LAY ON THE SAND, SWIM IN THE SEA, JUST SOAK AND BASK UNDER THE SUN ALL DAY LONG. Maldives and Bali are too overrated. (actually this I can after 30 but if I get a chance to do it before 30, WHY NOT?)

3. Drive a luxury sports car. Like an Audi R8. For a day? I'll be more than happy to. I don't intend to own one cuz I'm not a fan of small, fast cars. I go for BIG.

4. To go skydiving. I'm not a fan of heights, and I think I won't be able to walk off that plank for a bungee jump.

5. To buy my own vehicle and a house. If I'm still in Singapore by the time I'm 30, I would have to get married to buy a HDB flat. If I'm overseas, I want a hugeass house with my own gym and probably a swanky SUV to complete the look.

THING YOU MUST KNOW BEFORE YOU TURN 25:

1. As much as you hate to hear it, you need to work your ass to live an okay life. As much as I want to be an athlete, I know it won't pay much so I gotta stick to my job and learn to deal with it. Without my job, I don't think I will be able to travel around the world!!!

2. Do a job that you love. I can't stand the fact of waking up every single day of my life waking up to do something that I hate, loathe, don't enjoy or doesn't give me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day. I mean, my job's pretty okay. It don't feel satisfied with it every day but I think whether or not I do, it depends on how I grasp every available opportunity! Carpe diem, they say. SEIZE THE DAY! Stressful at times, but the fact that I can run to work from my training centre, I have a staff gym, a pool, a running track, a field, I get to play all sorts of sports here, it makes the place a much better place to be in.

3. EXERCISE IS FRIGGIN IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE. Run, gym, do sports, even if it means playing badminton every week or swimming with your kids on Sundays. But please remember that once a week of sweating it out is not enough. You don't eat 1200kcals for a week, do you? And I'm sure your once a week exercise does not burn 1200kcals a session. so, DONT EVER STOP EXERCISING. even when youre pregnant, unless your doctor bans you from exercising. Because when you stop exercising, you will become a blob and its very, very hard to turn a blob into something less-blobby. So don't stop. If you need a source of motivation, give me a call.

4. TRAVELLING is therapy. its is. it makes you realize either:
a. how grateful you are to be a Singaporean or
b. how much you need to get out of Singapore.
and how is that therapeutic? go Sydney, climb the Blue Mountains and tell me how you feel after that.

5. FAMILY is everything. No matter where you are, where your parents are, where your siblings are, keep in touch because they're your family for a damn bloody reason.

I think there's more that I want to do and so much more that you need to know before you turn 25 but time is short. These are all I could think of right now. What's yours?

random injury

so on wednesday (today is friday), I had this sharp pain on the right side of my abs, the obliques area, while rowing. i thought it was a stitch and ignored it. but in ten years (coming to 11 yrs can u believe it?) i've never had stitches while rowing before. the pain persisted even after rowing, and it ached when i walked. on thursday, i thought i should get it checked so i went to pay a visit to dr cormac's new and posh clinic cuz the sports council didnt had a dr that day (how sad is that?) and it was nice to see my fave dr again! he is still the same old. even the way he designed his office is the same. how i wish all doctors are like him. he really spends his precious time with each of his patient, which most doctors over-look cuz they think they dont have enough time to know their patients (i might be wrong cuz im not a doctor so this is a generalised statement). anyway, (whats up with the parentheses?) so yea, the diagnosis was that there is a wee bit of swelling around the right rib area where my obliques are. the dr wasnt sure if it was caused by the bone or the muscle but definitely not a stitch and THANK GOD it wasnt appendicitis (cuz i googled signs of appendicitis and i matched like 50% of the signs). dr said it could be caused by my drastic weight loss which led to lower bone density and thus causing lots of stress on the bone and the area around it (something like that).

so yeah, thought i'd jot this down because it might occur again in the future and i would know what it is. not just some random injury on my abs.

i ran today, it didnt hurt a bit and im happy cuz i have a staff race today and im out to win (i mean who joins a race for fun right?) LOL.

Fasting.

This fasting month, I try to be strong. I tell myself that it'll make me stronger. It will, InsyaAllah. But as I sit here in front of my laptop, waiting for the time to pass as it inches its way second, by second. 9hours. Counting down the hours- Its religiously wrong, but sometimes its mentally healing. I sound like the weakest Muslim in the world. But sometimes, it is just so hard to live through the day after a hard training at 6am in the morning. Especially today. Today is exceptionally tiring, MasyaAllah. Honestly, I feel like just chucking myself under my desk and take a nap, where noone can see me there. I try to be strong. I will not give in to thirst and lethargy. It's hard but I'll get through this. I will.

Courage.

Word of the week.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

I really like that.

This week, I've told my boss, my boss's boss and my colleagues about me taking a 12-weeks break from work. It took a whole lot of courage to do that. Why?
Because I am afraid of rejection.
I am afraid of people bringing me down with their words.
But I shouldn't be right?

I was walking around Causeway Point yesterday, one of those rare days I'm alone, and even rarer that I'm at CWP alone. And I thought to myself as I see this large amount of people as they pass me by, I'm not like them. I wake up at 530am everyday to train. I dont have time to chill, or relax, or enjoy, or shop. I'm different. And I think that's what makes my life so, special. So fulfilled. Being different from most of the people around me. Not superior. I don't think I'm superior in anyway. I just like the feeling that I'm different and that I have achieved so much in my life and I think I'm cool like that. LOL. I'm grateful. I'm grateful for all the things that have happened to me. Good, bad, horrible, amazing. I think life has its way of teaching us things we never thought we can learn from schools or from textbooks, or from the internet. And I'm grateful for this womderful sport that have changed my life altogether. I dont ever think I can be the same without this Rowing.

So, as I told my colleagues about my decision to leave them, I'm so grateful that they understand. Although I know it will be tough on them for a bit as they have to share the burden that I'm leaving but I think it eases my heart a bit to know that they are supporting me.

When I left MOE, it was an easy peasy decision to make cuz I didn't enjoy my life there. My colleagues were horrible, their friendliness were fake as hell and my job wasnt satisfying. I love my job here, I love my colleagues. I love the fact that I can train and work. Although even that took a lot of courage to seek for allowance to do so. But I guess if I don't make the effort, or if I don't step forward, I will never move. I will never improve. I will never win.

I will fully accept that every action I make has its consequence. There will be more work when I come back. Definitely. I guess I have to do what I ought to do. Right now, its to train so hard that in SEA Games, I am unbeatable. I wanna be that. And I will be that. InsyaAllah.

The journey to SEARF 2013, I think.

Next week, we'll be travelling to KL for the annual SEARF Championships.
Objective is to come home with at least a medal each so that we can get selected to participate in the SEA Games.
I'd say my chances are high, looking at the amount of training I've been through, the number of hours I've put on the water. Number of days I haven't seen my mum, or slept on my own bed.
I mean, I have to tell myself I have a high chance of winning a medal.
I mean, I have to win a medal.
I don't think I can live that ride home from KL to SPORE without any medal.
Nah, I got this.
I'm gonna win this shit.
My weight is hovering over 59-60ish. Hopefully it doesn't shoot up for no reason overnight. I've been trying my best to avoid unhealthy food at all costs. I've tried cutting down alot, skipping my lunches, eating like a cat for dinner. I know its unhealthy. But if I don't make weight, are you gonna sit there and pat on my back and tell me its okay that I can't race?
One more week to perfect my stroke.
Gotta take more time on water, not rush through the training. Objective of training is not to finish it, but to perform it to the best of my ability. Yeah, try telling that to me at 6:30am in the morning. I'll probably just tell you to go away.
I'm angsty, like that. Not something I'm proud of, but I'm bloody hell angsty all the time. God knows why. I wish I was more patient, more calm, more relaxed. Why am I so fkn tensed all the time? Stress will make me age faster. I must learn to manage my anger. I must.
So, work-wise. Shit is still shit. Not saying work is shit (not saying work isnt). But oh God oh God, this feeling of "I want to call it quits and row full-time" is back to haunt me. The only thing that is stopping me is the fact that the moolahs *kachingkaching* I am getting right now is pretty good and I kinda like what I do. But being here, and being an athlete, is like being an ice-cream seller and a sushi roller at the same time. It just doesn't mix well together, does it?
Okay, relax. I can't quit. I need to money to travel. Not that I have all the time in the world to travel and visit places and all that shit. I need to travel to compete, to train. To make sure I am on par with the rest of the women in my category. Make sure I'm not dead last anymore when I compete in world-class races. I am tired of being dead-last. I am tired of being the slowest and the weakest.
Yes, work-wise, I still haven't gotten the green light to go for the race next week.
I mean, they can't say no, can they?
If they do, then I guess, it's time for me to say Good-bye to work.

Here is where I rant about growing up.
But that's another story altogether.

I can't wait for work to end today so that I can go home and play my Xbox. Spent $50 on a Batman game last night, I feel like a twelve year old. I can't explain myself anymore, sometimes.

24

So here I am at 6:18am in the crowded bus going to work. I should be getting ready for training for goodness sake but nope. Here I am. Sniffing in the air of kopetosankuit. My dad used to call people who dont shower in the morning kopets. And kopetosanquits is the smell that they produce. Ew.
Im always always always complaining about not being able to train, having so little time on water, not wanting to be here and wish I was somewhere else like the boat. Im always saying I will make a difference to my life. Live the dream. Change. Pursue. But nope. Here I am in the bus going to work. Still.
I dont want to make irrational decisions, ending up regretting my choices in life knowing that I cant turn back (omg my eyes suddenly feel like they weigh a ton!!!)

This is funny but I actually fell asleep while typing the above and forogt about this post totally. Anyhoos as I lay down here, having an hr left spending my time being 24, I feel that I havent seized enough. Some people are already managers and millionares at 24. Im laying here in this half past bed in my rundown training centre earning just enough to make me feel happy. Do I really want this life? Even the greatest rower said that as rowers we cant possibly be filthy rich. Am I willing to forgo that to chase after my dreams?
Yeah.
Im gonna sleep now. Because tmr I have to be awesome on water. That gold is waiting for me.

GRAR

this is like the least necessary thing to say right now amidst the mess and chaos at work but i have this sudden urge to chop off my hair. A STRONG URGE.

should i?

TAKING RISKS

So here I am, back in my office, sitting at my desk.
Its been 10 long days. 10 days of absolutely no work, just the boat and me.
10 best days in March.

Let me tell you something.
So I didn't win in Sydney. I was dead last in the World Cup.
But there was something about racing and being in the boat, and being amongst the other rowers, waking up to row, that makes me want to do it again and again, for every single day of my life.
I love my job. But the love is nothing compared to how much I love rowing. Its a different kind of love. I work, cuz I have to. I row, cuz I want to. And I want to wake up every day of my life doing something I want to, not something that I have to.
So since I came back, I've been thinking. Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Waiting for something to happen? Hoping things will get better? Just sitting here at my desk waiting for lunch time so I can run, waiting for work to end so that I can train. Do I really want this?
I dont.
I want to wake up to row. I want to row before I head to bed.
I went for a Sports Scholarship talk by the Sports Council last night and good news is that the government is opening up more to supporting full-time athletes. Its gonna be a tough fight but I gotta fight for what I really want.
I'm not ready to call it quits and jump into full-time training, but hell I'm sure this is what I really want.
There's so many things I want to do right now and I'm so excited and geared up for things to happen.
I gotta take risks. I gotta stop hoping and wishing and start doing.
Insya Allah things will be good.

March.

Crazy. It's already March. My table at work looks like I have been working here for 35years. Wait, what table? All I see are piles and piles of sh**. I'm so disorganized I can kill myself. I attempt to clean up my table at times but the next minute after I'm done cleaning up, it will magically go back to its normal unruly state. My room is even in a worse condition. I swear I have tried at many attempts cleaning up the sh** I have but it doesn't seem to work quite right. Why can't my room look like an IKEA Showroom? No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem right.
I'm piled with work. It doesn't seem to end. There is never a low period in my office. I'm seriously bogged down. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I really don't.
I know work is my priority when I joined the workforce, but that was last year. This year, I want to be an athlete again. I want to wake up to row. I want to train when normal people are still in beds. When theyre having lunch or dinner. I want ot train like 3, 4, 5 times a day. I want to get better. I want to be the best. But this work sh** is not helping me in any way at all. Noone in the office ever gets it. I keep on telling them again, and again, and again, I'm having a major race at the end of the year. But they just don't get it.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I wish I can just train full-time, and get paid, even if its not as much as what I'm getting now. I just want to train. I'm still young, I know I'm pretty good at what I'm doing. I just want to train.
I don't want to do this anymore. Not now. Maybe I'll come back and do it when im 29 or 30, when my Olympic dreams have been achieved. But really, now is just not a good time.
I must do something about this. I can't just sit here and do nothing about it.
I must end all these.
I must train.

2013

Its like the 8th and I havent made any new year resolutions, and I didn't even reflect on my 2012.
Its like 6:11pm and I'm still in my office, taking every opportunity I have to resurface to breathe.
I have missed like at least 5 trainings this year.
I seriously need to do something about my life. It has to stop running without any purpose.
I have to stop living everyday just for the sake of getting through it. I need to tell myself to live each day with a bigger purpose. I need to bloody live.
This waiting, this part of life where I just sit here and live like a normal human being. This has to stop. I'm not normal. If my dream is to be in the Olympics in less than 4 years time, my life cannot be normal.
2013, watch out.
I'm coming.

DECEMBER.

Already.

And then 2012 will be over. And the world too, probably.

There's the SEA Games next year, Asian Games in 2014, another SEA Games in 2015 which will be special because it would be in Singapore. And finally, there's the 2016 Olympics in Rio which I must qualify for no matter how tough my rivals are and no matter how much my opponents want to qualify too. Sorry babes, everyday I ask myself, "How bad do you want it?" And every single day, I'll tell myself, "F**kn bad". HAHA. Nolah, not so crude like that.

But you get what I mean.

I've been rowing. yay? Sailing still wants me to join them and I havent made up my mind. I KNOW. I hate making decisions, and this is not like some kind of an after training decision making process where you are required to choose where to eat. Because if it was like that, everyday, I am able to try out different things. Rowing one day, sailing the next. Everyone will be living happily ever after that way. But no, life isn't that easy, sometimes. THIS is like a bloody life-changing decision I have to make and I've been pondering and wondering and taking FOREVER to reach a decision and freaking stick to it! It has been a year since I was given the choice to make and yet, no answer from this little fickle brain of mine! DAMMIT.

But then again, I've been clocking 20kms for each of my water training which made 20km doesnt seem so scary anymore. That, I like. With 20km trainings, I feel unbeateable. Cheh.

Okay apart from rowing, work has been !$%*^(&)$>...a mathematical equation?
Work has been complex, confusing, annoying, ridiculous sometimes, tiring, tough, crazy but we all know like a maths problem, it is never impossible. Right? Cheh, not bad use of analogy there. Good job.

I shan't say too much about work cuz these social media work in crazy ways these days. But I do enjoy work, I'm just getting very, very, very, very jaded.

So yeah, I just thought of writing in the blog because I have a list of things to do and I thought I'd jot it down somewhere since now I can't keep track of which "diary", "journal", "notebook" to use, so online might just be the best idea of the lot.

And talking about notebooks, I bought the Samsung Galaxy Note 2 last thursday which is a freaky coincident as I bought my iPhone on 24 November 2010 and I bought my Note 2 on 23 November 2012! Anyway, yes, And last Thursday, I had to send it for repair because some parts of the screen can't detect my stylus. WTF SAMSUNG. I wrote them an email stating that the customer service officer told me that Samsung will "contact" me once my phone is ready but wait, you're collecting my phone and you're gonna call me on my phone? What sorcery is this? Immediately, they sent a reply and called me on my phone which made me wanted to say "I had to use my iPhone while waiting for my Samsung. Sheesh!" But of course I didnt.

So yeah, here's what I gotta bloody finish before December comes to an end:
1. Run a 2.4km below 11:30mins.
2. Sign up and train for Urbanathlon in March 2013 (READ: DO MONKEY BARS. I can't freaking do those things!!!)
3. Do 10 pull ups (Aim was 20 at the start of the year but looking at my progress I better lower my expectations)
4. Pull a 7:25mins 2k erg score.
4. DECIDE ROWING OR SAILING FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

weakling.

i swear there is something going on with my body right now. last week, i had a really, really bad shoulder/neck/back pain. it got so bad i woke up one day not being able to turn my neck at all. and then i felt the pain on my lower back. i thought well maybe its just the menses coming and i was right it did come and i had the worst of the worst cramps yesterday which lasted from morning all the way till i reached home at night. it was so painful i was crying in the toilet all by myself like a loser. i was a complete wreck. and then today, i woke up feeling there was something wrong. everytime i faced down, it felt like my brain's gonna explode. the worst when i had to shit. like everytime i put in force to shit, i feel as though someone's hitting the right side of my head. when i walked out, i felt as though i was gonna pass out. so i headed back home and slept. i woke up again feeling so much better, alhamdullilah. and now im at work. but i really, really, oh my god, really dont know what is wrong with me. even as we speak now my mind feels as though thers clouds floating around. it feels like im in a pool or something. maybe my mind's taking a break but my body's refusing to give in. and i am hungry but when i look at food, i dont have any appetite to eat. i hope i get better. i hate this feeling. :(

realizations.

recently, i realised im a nicer gf to my poor little sayang. i know i havent been the best gf in the world i dont give him the nicest treatment, in fact he's always the first to get it when im having pre-pms, pms and post-pms so he actually gets my moody days 3/4 of the month which leaves only 1 week of fun joy and laughter. i kid you. im not mean all the time, am i? okay, but seriously, recently, i realized that you know, emma watson's quite pretty and im starting to like her, so theres no need to feel jealous or anything if she's on my bf's wallpaper and not my face. its okay. maybe i can put ryan gosling on mine. or hassan sunny, or more ryan gosling. and ryan gosling. and yes ryan gosling. hahahah. yea, so i think im starting to become more understanding, i hope. like there was twice when we either talked about his ex gfs or we even saw one of them at my colleague's wedding, and she actually came up to him to say hi when i wasn't looking. but u know, i was pretty okay with that. i mean, why do i have to be insanely jealous? it should be them who should be cutting up my photos and pasting them on their bedroom walls throwing darts on them. am i revealing too much about what i do to their photos? HAHAHAHA. nolah, im not psychotic. a bit obsessive, i know, but its good for each other to know that, we're so frikkin in love with each other that we're obsessed over each other. yea, i know. it feels empty when i dont get to see him for a day. like theres something amiss. but hello, next year when he's enlisted in army, jeng jeng jeng, i'll be the most depressed human being in the world. that being said, we're celebrating our 2nd anniversary next week, insyaallah. 2 years siol. and one day, im gonna be so good in FIFA and Winning Eleven that he has absolutely no chance of beating me and making me cry. yes, im THAT competitive, cant you tell? but i know im better than him at some things like air hockey and You Dont KNow Jack. -- okay, enough about him. recently, im still having this humungous (is that how u spell it???) dilemma about whether to stick with rowing or switch to sailing. I KNOW RIGHT IM STILL AT IT CAN YOU BELIEVE IT WHY CANT I JUST FRIKKIN MAKE UP MY MIND AND FRIKKIN STICK TO MY DECISION? i dont know. really. im not a risk taker kind of person. but ive been praying and praying and oh God praying so hard every single day that God will show me the best path to take. insyaallah He will, one day. -- WORK HAS BEEN CRAZY, as usual. and i miss rowing like every single frikkin day of my life. i really do. i miss being really fit and fast. now im like fat and a blob. sigh. its almost 10 months ive been working here. and there's already so much on my plate, which is a good thing, but not a good thing for athletes. i dont know, this work-life balance thing is all bullshit. :( but you know what? if i sit here and just continue to complain about how things are not working out right, it will never go right. sometimes i really wish my life is just work and family and i exercise just to keep fit. but oh well. i guess sometimes its a good thing to be thinking about training, time trails and competitions, yea?

sayang,

I cry, because most of the times, it feels good to cry.
I dont tell you what I feel, because sometimes, I honestly don't know what I feel. Telling you that I feel sad and angry and happy and low at the same time will only make you more confused then you already are trying to figure out whats on my mind.
I say "I'm fine" even when I'm not because thats what girls do, you can't deny that.
I lied before because I was stupid. I'm not perfect, I haven't been the perfect gf. I'm not striving for perfection either. I dont even know if I'm perfect for you or we're perfect for each other, whatever that means. But all I do know is that, I've learnt that whenever I lie, or hide things from you, it hurts you and thats why I've changed. Seeing you hurt breaks a little piece off my heart.
I get ridiculously jealous because I love you. I don't like it if you have another woman's face on your wallpaper because you wouldn't like seeing another man's face on mine, right? I don't like your exes because you dont like mine. Same shit.
I don't reply to your messages when I'm mad because I might say things that will hurt you when I'm angry, and words cant be taken back. I dont know how long I need to cool down, 10 mins? 15 mins? Sometimes you know it'll take an hour. But the longest I've ever been so mad at you is a day. After which, I know I can't live being angry at you all the time.
Its hard for me to trust because my trust has been betrayed before. Imagine this. My heart is like a piece of paper, and then someone crumples it up, and throw it away, and I had to pick myself up and try to straighten things out, but you know, it will never be the same as before. I don't trust easily cuz that's who I am. Life made me this way. I hope one day, you will understand it truly, not just by nodding when I ask you if you understand but really really know that I'm like this because of what others did to me. Not that I like it this way. I'm always suspicious of you doing stupid things, I'm always paranoid that you'll do things behind my back. I hate my mind sometimes, thinking of all these ridiculous things. But I was made this way, not born this way cuz I know I wasn't like this. I know you're not like the others and that I should start anew and move to another chapter in my life, like how I should fkn move on and get another piece of paper which is not crumpled. But I can't just get another piece of heart, can I?
So please dont ask me, "Why dont you trust me?" I do, baby, I do. But I worry, and I overthink. And then this evil thing called assumption comes into my mind.
Thats why sometimes I don't tell you right away when I assume something. And you dont understand this so you'll keep on asking again and again and again, "What is it what is it what is it!!!!?" And sometimes I'll just tell you whats in my brain but sometimes I just don't wanna tell you because it might be just a stupid little assumption that came into my mind. And when I tell you, you'll give me the WTF face and I'll tell you, "see, I shouldnt have told you."
I'm sorry if I get so worked up at the smallest mistakes you do. Small things will accumulate into bigger ones and thats when things get out of control. So when its small I guess thats when I take action. Sorry, I'm like that.
So you still love me? Tell me if you don't. Tell me if you don't like to way I behave to treat you. Tell me if I'm mean. Tell me if I'm not good enough for you.
And yes, this is PMS week. And no, my PMS week is only one week in a month. The other angsty weeks are probably caused by stress, feeling needy and thinking i deserve the attention and probably out of love.
And why do i put this online for the world to see when i know you hate it when our private lives are published? Because theres a saying that goes, life's too short for us to make all the mistakes, thats when we learn from other's mistakes. Who knows some distruaght little soul might come across my blog wondering why his gf/wife/partner is crying, why is she acting the way she is. sometimes, we're just made that way. we can't help it. but most of the times, its because we love you and we want the best out of you, and ourselves, and us.
I love you, sayang. Although theres so many times I fell asleep making you mad.
And you know I believe that "It'll be okay in the morning," always. So I hope you'll understand that too. There's so many things for you to understand about me, and I know there's more for me to understand about you too. We have a whole lifetime to understand each other, if God permits.

Time is like an Usain Bolt.

MAKKAAAAAAU! ITS ALREADY LIKE 24 AUGUST AND I KEEP KEEP KEEP ON THINKING ITS STILL JULY CUZ WHEN THIS PERSON CAME TO ME THAT DAY AND TOLD ME THE DEADLINE WAS 15 AUGUST, I TOLD HIM, OKAY STILL GOT ENOUGH TIME, WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT, ITS ALREADY 20 AUGUST!!!! AND ITS SEPTEMBER NEXT WEEK, AND THEN OCTOBER COMES BY, THEN NOVEMBER, THEN DECEMBER. THEN OMG ITS SEA GAMES YEAR ALREADY. slow down, man, slow down! what the hell are you rushing for, time? :( Okay so lets make this quick. Its Friday, coming into the end of first week of raya and i've visited 6 houses in total. hahahaha! i dont feel it, y'all. not this year. i think its just that i've grown out of it. i didnt even bake this year although im dying to get my hands on the oven. dont know why i'll do that, but you get what i mean. i painted my house though, like the whole freaking living room, dining room and the balcony. and i have 4 brothers, and the sister painted the house. yay? I havent been Sailing although theres a competition in early September. This is terrible but I havent learnt to love sailing like how i love rowing. its a totally different feeling. hopefully with time, i'll start to like it, then love it. and east coast is MOTHER FAR. i take 2 and a half hours to get there from home by public (not taxi) and 30mins when i drive. oh life is unfair. i suddenly feel like taking a bike license but i gotta wait for nadzrie and we actually made a promise that even if we had license we'll never ride. but i promised myself that i will never take a driving license too cuz i was meant to be driven. i dont know. WORK HAS BEEN CRAZY, as always. millions of things piling up on my table. BOO YOU WORK! I got "sounded" yesterday, cuz i cant find a better word to use, and scolding is a too strong word to use cuz it wasnt like that. okay, so i usually gym in the morning cuz im a morning person and like they say, "workout before your brain figures out what you are doing" and so yes, i've been clocking hours of running and gymming in the morning because by the time midday comes, millions of excuses will pop in my head like a stupid one would be, "I DONT WANNA SWEAT CUZ I'LL HAVE TO SHOWER AND ITS SO TROUBLESOME." Damn you excuses. Damn you. So yeah, I always come to work at 730am SHARP, mind you. early bird catches the worm, no? so at 730am, noone is around so my mood to start work so early is NIL so i go to the gym or run. yesterday, i came back from the gym at 9am, since its a non-teaching week, kids are having exams. and jeng jeng jeng hello hello my RO was at the front door to my office. she wasnt angry lah, she was just worried people might complain that i train during office hours. and you know my life policy. im fine with absolutely anything, other than seafood and the colour yellow, as long as it does not interfere with the thing i love, like rowing, and training (i.e. gymming and running). why is sailing not in the list? i cant lie to myself that i love sailing, can i? i havent fell in love with it yet. it'll take time. but yea, work work work always friggin gets in the way of training and i bloody hate that. and oh my dear God, why does sailing has to be in the odd hours of the day, like from 1-5pm? when in my rowing days, we rest and roll in bed at 1-5pm. OH MY DEAR BRAIN HOW DO YOU COME ABOUT WITH ALL THESE EXCUSES!!!! even as we speak, more work coming in as colleagues come into my cubicle and leave with more responsibilities on my shourders, no wonder this frustrating knot on my shouler never goes away. one quitting, another transferring departments, HOW TO SURVIVE LIDDAT. so what happened to rowing? other than the fact that they owe me some moolahs for my insurance claim? i dont know. no news. i guess, they can live without an aisyah rower. le sigh. talking about them makes me feel like punching a wall, but i'll only end up hurting myself. so if i dont intend to do anything, i shall just shut up. maybe one day i'll tell them that im quitting. YES BELIEVE IT OR NOT I HAVENT TOLD THEM! So yeah my Olympic dream still lingers in hopelessness. the thing about having these dreams is that, why didnt i specifically specify (is there even such a phrase?) that i wanted to be an Olympian in a SPECIFIC sport? so when times like this come about, at least i know which sport to pick! now, i'm in this no turning back junction where one path leads to a sport i love but brings me NOWHERE, and another goes to a sport i dont really love (yet) but has a higher chance of getting me somewhere. to think about it, there is a way of turning back but that would mean i have to risk these 4 to 8 years trying out something i never thought i would ever be able to do in my life. MACHAM A MID LIFE CRISIS AT 24. God save me. okay, off to a fun friday with loads of work and NAPFA test at the end of the day. GRAAAAR!