The journey to SEARF 2013, I think.

Next week, we'll be travelling to KL for the annual SEARF Championships.
Objective is to come home with at least a medal each so that we can get selected to participate in the SEA Games.
I'd say my chances are high, looking at the amount of training I've been through, the number of hours I've put on the water. Number of days I haven't seen my mum, or slept on my own bed.
I mean, I have to tell myself I have a high chance of winning a medal.
I mean, I have to win a medal.
I don't think I can live that ride home from KL to SPORE without any medal.
Nah, I got this.
I'm gonna win this shit.
My weight is hovering over 59-60ish. Hopefully it doesn't shoot up for no reason overnight. I've been trying my best to avoid unhealthy food at all costs. I've tried cutting down alot, skipping my lunches, eating like a cat for dinner. I know its unhealthy. But if I don't make weight, are you gonna sit there and pat on my back and tell me its okay that I can't race?
One more week to perfect my stroke.
Gotta take more time on water, not rush through the training. Objective of training is not to finish it, but to perform it to the best of my ability. Yeah, try telling that to me at 6:30am in the morning. I'll probably just tell you to go away.
I'm angsty, like that. Not something I'm proud of, but I'm bloody hell angsty all the time. God knows why. I wish I was more patient, more calm, more relaxed. Why am I so fkn tensed all the time? Stress will make me age faster. I must learn to manage my anger. I must.
So, work-wise. Shit is still shit. Not saying work is shit (not saying work isnt). But oh God oh God, this feeling of "I want to call it quits and row full-time" is back to haunt me. The only thing that is stopping me is the fact that the moolahs *kachingkaching* I am getting right now is pretty good and I kinda like what I do. But being here, and being an athlete, is like being an ice-cream seller and a sushi roller at the same time. It just doesn't mix well together, does it?
Okay, relax. I can't quit. I need to money to travel. Not that I have all the time in the world to travel and visit places and all that shit. I need to travel to compete, to train. To make sure I am on par with the rest of the women in my category. Make sure I'm not dead last anymore when I compete in world-class races. I am tired of being dead-last. I am tired of being the slowest and the weakest.
Yes, work-wise, I still haven't gotten the green light to go for the race next week.
I mean, they can't say no, can they?
If they do, then I guess, it's time for me to say Good-bye to work.

Here is where I rant about growing up.
But that's another story altogether.

I can't wait for work to end today so that I can go home and play my Xbox. Spent $50 on a Batman game last night, I feel like a twelve year old. I can't explain myself anymore, sometimes.

24

So here I am at 6:18am in the crowded bus going to work. I should be getting ready for training for goodness sake but nope. Here I am. Sniffing in the air of kopetosankuit. My dad used to call people who dont shower in the morning kopets. And kopetosanquits is the smell that they produce. Ew.
Im always always always complaining about not being able to train, having so little time on water, not wanting to be here and wish I was somewhere else like the boat. Im always saying I will make a difference to my life. Live the dream. Change. Pursue. But nope. Here I am in the bus going to work. Still.
I dont want to make irrational decisions, ending up regretting my choices in life knowing that I cant turn back (omg my eyes suddenly feel like they weigh a ton!!!)

This is funny but I actually fell asleep while typing the above and forogt about this post totally. Anyhoos as I lay down here, having an hr left spending my time being 24, I feel that I havent seized enough. Some people are already managers and millionares at 24. Im laying here in this half past bed in my rundown training centre earning just enough to make me feel happy. Do I really want this life? Even the greatest rower said that as rowers we cant possibly be filthy rich. Am I willing to forgo that to chase after my dreams?
Yeah.
Im gonna sleep now. Because tmr I have to be awesome on water. That gold is waiting for me.

GRAR

this is like the least necessary thing to say right now amidst the mess and chaos at work but i have this sudden urge to chop off my hair. A STRONG URGE.

should i?

TAKING RISKS

So here I am, back in my office, sitting at my desk.
Its been 10 long days. 10 days of absolutely no work, just the boat and me.
10 best days in March.

Let me tell you something.
So I didn't win in Sydney. I was dead last in the World Cup.
But there was something about racing and being in the boat, and being amongst the other rowers, waking up to row, that makes me want to do it again and again, for every single day of my life.
I love my job. But the love is nothing compared to how much I love rowing. Its a different kind of love. I work, cuz I have to. I row, cuz I want to. And I want to wake up every day of my life doing something I want to, not something that I have to.
So since I came back, I've been thinking. Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life? Waiting for something to happen? Hoping things will get better? Just sitting here at my desk waiting for lunch time so I can run, waiting for work to end so that I can train. Do I really want this?
I dont.
I want to wake up to row. I want to row before I head to bed.
I went for a Sports Scholarship talk by the Sports Council last night and good news is that the government is opening up more to supporting full-time athletes. Its gonna be a tough fight but I gotta fight for what I really want.
I'm not ready to call it quits and jump into full-time training, but hell I'm sure this is what I really want.
There's so many things I want to do right now and I'm so excited and geared up for things to happen.
I gotta take risks. I gotta stop hoping and wishing and start doing.
Insya Allah things will be good.

March.

Crazy. It's already March. My table at work looks like I have been working here for 35years. Wait, what table? All I see are piles and piles of sh**. I'm so disorganized I can kill myself. I attempt to clean up my table at times but the next minute after I'm done cleaning up, it will magically go back to its normal unruly state. My room is even in a worse condition. I swear I have tried at many attempts cleaning up the sh** I have but it doesn't seem to work quite right. Why can't my room look like an IKEA Showroom? No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem right.
I'm piled with work. It doesn't seem to end. There is never a low period in my office. I'm seriously bogged down. I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I really don't.
I know work is my priority when I joined the workforce, but that was last year. This year, I want to be an athlete again. I want to wake up to row. I want to train when normal people are still in beds. When theyre having lunch or dinner. I want ot train like 3, 4, 5 times a day. I want to get better. I want to be the best. But this work sh** is not helping me in any way at all. Noone in the office ever gets it. I keep on telling them again, and again, and again, I'm having a major race at the end of the year. But they just don't get it.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I wish I can just train full-time, and get paid, even if its not as much as what I'm getting now. I just want to train. I'm still young, I know I'm pretty good at what I'm doing. I just want to train.
I don't want to do this anymore. Not now. Maybe I'll come back and do it when im 29 or 30, when my Olympic dreams have been achieved. But really, now is just not a good time.
I must do something about this. I can't just sit here and do nothing about it.
I must end all these.
I must train.

2013

Its like the 8th and I havent made any new year resolutions, and I didn't even reflect on my 2012.
Its like 6:11pm and I'm still in my office, taking every opportunity I have to resurface to breathe.
I have missed like at least 5 trainings this year.
I seriously need to do something about my life. It has to stop running without any purpose.
I have to stop living everyday just for the sake of getting through it. I need to tell myself to live each day with a bigger purpose. I need to bloody live.
This waiting, this part of life where I just sit here and live like a normal human being. This has to stop. I'm not normal. If my dream is to be in the Olympics in less than 4 years time, my life cannot be normal.
2013, watch out.
I'm coming.

DECEMBER.

Already.

And then 2012 will be over. And the world too, probably.

There's the SEA Games next year, Asian Games in 2014, another SEA Games in 2015 which will be special because it would be in Singapore. And finally, there's the 2016 Olympics in Rio which I must qualify for no matter how tough my rivals are and no matter how much my opponents want to qualify too. Sorry babes, everyday I ask myself, "How bad do you want it?" And every single day, I'll tell myself, "F**kn bad". HAHA. Nolah, not so crude like that.

But you get what I mean.

I've been rowing. yay? Sailing still wants me to join them and I havent made up my mind. I KNOW. I hate making decisions, and this is not like some kind of an after training decision making process where you are required to choose where to eat. Because if it was like that, everyday, I am able to try out different things. Rowing one day, sailing the next. Everyone will be living happily ever after that way. But no, life isn't that easy, sometimes. THIS is like a bloody life-changing decision I have to make and I've been pondering and wondering and taking FOREVER to reach a decision and freaking stick to it! It has been a year since I was given the choice to make and yet, no answer from this little fickle brain of mine! DAMMIT.

But then again, I've been clocking 20kms for each of my water training which made 20km doesnt seem so scary anymore. That, I like. With 20km trainings, I feel unbeateable. Cheh.

Okay apart from rowing, work has been !$%*^(&)$>...a mathematical equation?
Work has been complex, confusing, annoying, ridiculous sometimes, tiring, tough, crazy but we all know like a maths problem, it is never impossible. Right? Cheh, not bad use of analogy there. Good job.

I shan't say too much about work cuz these social media work in crazy ways these days. But I do enjoy work, I'm just getting very, very, very, very jaded.

So yeah, I just thought of writing in the blog because I have a list of things to do and I thought I'd jot it down somewhere since now I can't keep track of which "diary", "journal", "notebook" to use, so online might just be the best idea of the lot.

And talking about notebooks, I bought the Samsung Galaxy Note 2 last thursday which is a freaky coincident as I bought my iPhone on 24 November 2010 and I bought my Note 2 on 23 November 2012! Anyway, yes, And last Thursday, I had to send it for repair because some parts of the screen can't detect my stylus. WTF SAMSUNG. I wrote them an email stating that the customer service officer told me that Samsung will "contact" me once my phone is ready but wait, you're collecting my phone and you're gonna call me on my phone? What sorcery is this? Immediately, they sent a reply and called me on my phone which made me wanted to say "I had to use my iPhone while waiting for my Samsung. Sheesh!" But of course I didnt.

So yeah, here's what I gotta bloody finish before December comes to an end:
1. Run a 2.4km below 11:30mins.
2. Sign up and train for Urbanathlon in March 2013 (READ: DO MONKEY BARS. I can't freaking do those things!!!)
3. Do 10 pull ups (Aim was 20 at the start of the year but looking at my progress I better lower my expectations)
4. Pull a 7:25mins 2k erg score.
4. DECIDE ROWING OR SAILING FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

weakling.

i swear there is something going on with my body right now. last week, i had a really, really bad shoulder/neck/back pain. it got so bad i woke up one day not being able to turn my neck at all. and then i felt the pain on my lower back. i thought well maybe its just the menses coming and i was right it did come and i had the worst of the worst cramps yesterday which lasted from morning all the way till i reached home at night. it was so painful i was crying in the toilet all by myself like a loser. i was a complete wreck. and then today, i woke up feeling there was something wrong. everytime i faced down, it felt like my brain's gonna explode. the worst when i had to shit. like everytime i put in force to shit, i feel as though someone's hitting the right side of my head. when i walked out, i felt as though i was gonna pass out. so i headed back home and slept. i woke up again feeling so much better, alhamdullilah. and now im at work. but i really, really, oh my god, really dont know what is wrong with me. even as we speak now my mind feels as though thers clouds floating around. it feels like im in a pool or something. maybe my mind's taking a break but my body's refusing to give in. and i am hungry but when i look at food, i dont have any appetite to eat. i hope i get better. i hate this feeling. :(

realizations.

recently, i realised im a nicer gf to my poor little sayang. i know i havent been the best gf in the world i dont give him the nicest treatment, in fact he's always the first to get it when im having pre-pms, pms and post-pms so he actually gets my moody days 3/4 of the month which leaves only 1 week of fun joy and laughter. i kid you. im not mean all the time, am i? okay, but seriously, recently, i realized that you know, emma watson's quite pretty and im starting to like her, so theres no need to feel jealous or anything if she's on my bf's wallpaper and not my face. its okay. maybe i can put ryan gosling on mine. or hassan sunny, or more ryan gosling. and ryan gosling. and yes ryan gosling. hahahah. yea, so i think im starting to become more understanding, i hope. like there was twice when we either talked about his ex gfs or we even saw one of them at my colleague's wedding, and she actually came up to him to say hi when i wasn't looking. but u know, i was pretty okay with that. i mean, why do i have to be insanely jealous? it should be them who should be cutting up my photos and pasting them on their bedroom walls throwing darts on them. am i revealing too much about what i do to their photos? HAHAHAHA. nolah, im not psychotic. a bit obsessive, i know, but its good for each other to know that, we're so frikkin in love with each other that we're obsessed over each other. yea, i know. it feels empty when i dont get to see him for a day. like theres something amiss. but hello, next year when he's enlisted in army, jeng jeng jeng, i'll be the most depressed human being in the world. that being said, we're celebrating our 2nd anniversary next week, insyaallah. 2 years siol. and one day, im gonna be so good in FIFA and Winning Eleven that he has absolutely no chance of beating me and making me cry. yes, im THAT competitive, cant you tell? but i know im better than him at some things like air hockey and You Dont KNow Jack. -- okay, enough about him. recently, im still having this humungous (is that how u spell it???) dilemma about whether to stick with rowing or switch to sailing. I KNOW RIGHT IM STILL AT IT CAN YOU BELIEVE IT WHY CANT I JUST FRIKKIN MAKE UP MY MIND AND FRIKKIN STICK TO MY DECISION? i dont know. really. im not a risk taker kind of person. but ive been praying and praying and oh God praying so hard every single day that God will show me the best path to take. insyaallah He will, one day. -- WORK HAS BEEN CRAZY, as usual. and i miss rowing like every single frikkin day of my life. i really do. i miss being really fit and fast. now im like fat and a blob. sigh. its almost 10 months ive been working here. and there's already so much on my plate, which is a good thing, but not a good thing for athletes. i dont know, this work-life balance thing is all bullshit. :( but you know what? if i sit here and just continue to complain about how things are not working out right, it will never go right. sometimes i really wish my life is just work and family and i exercise just to keep fit. but oh well. i guess sometimes its a good thing to be thinking about training, time trails and competitions, yea?

sayang,

I cry, because most of the times, it feels good to cry.
I dont tell you what I feel, because sometimes, I honestly don't know what I feel. Telling you that I feel sad and angry and happy and low at the same time will only make you more confused then you already are trying to figure out whats on my mind.
I say "I'm fine" even when I'm not because thats what girls do, you can't deny that.
I lied before because I was stupid. I'm not perfect, I haven't been the perfect gf. I'm not striving for perfection either. I dont even know if I'm perfect for you or we're perfect for each other, whatever that means. But all I do know is that, I've learnt that whenever I lie, or hide things from you, it hurts you and thats why I've changed. Seeing you hurt breaks a little piece off my heart.
I get ridiculously jealous because I love you. I don't like it if you have another woman's face on your wallpaper because you wouldn't like seeing another man's face on mine, right? I don't like your exes because you dont like mine. Same shit.
I don't reply to your messages when I'm mad because I might say things that will hurt you when I'm angry, and words cant be taken back. I dont know how long I need to cool down, 10 mins? 15 mins? Sometimes you know it'll take an hour. But the longest I've ever been so mad at you is a day. After which, I know I can't live being angry at you all the time.
Its hard for me to trust because my trust has been betrayed before. Imagine this. My heart is like a piece of paper, and then someone crumples it up, and throw it away, and I had to pick myself up and try to straighten things out, but you know, it will never be the same as before. I don't trust easily cuz that's who I am. Life made me this way. I hope one day, you will understand it truly, not just by nodding when I ask you if you understand but really really know that I'm like this because of what others did to me. Not that I like it this way. I'm always suspicious of you doing stupid things, I'm always paranoid that you'll do things behind my back. I hate my mind sometimes, thinking of all these ridiculous things. But I was made this way, not born this way cuz I know I wasn't like this. I know you're not like the others and that I should start anew and move to another chapter in my life, like how I should fkn move on and get another piece of paper which is not crumpled. But I can't just get another piece of heart, can I?
So please dont ask me, "Why dont you trust me?" I do, baby, I do. But I worry, and I overthink. And then this evil thing called assumption comes into my mind.
Thats why sometimes I don't tell you right away when I assume something. And you dont understand this so you'll keep on asking again and again and again, "What is it what is it what is it!!!!?" And sometimes I'll just tell you whats in my brain but sometimes I just don't wanna tell you because it might be just a stupid little assumption that came into my mind. And when I tell you, you'll give me the WTF face and I'll tell you, "see, I shouldnt have told you."
I'm sorry if I get so worked up at the smallest mistakes you do. Small things will accumulate into bigger ones and thats when things get out of control. So when its small I guess thats when I take action. Sorry, I'm like that.
So you still love me? Tell me if you don't. Tell me if you don't like to way I behave to treat you. Tell me if I'm mean. Tell me if I'm not good enough for you.
And yes, this is PMS week. And no, my PMS week is only one week in a month. The other angsty weeks are probably caused by stress, feeling needy and thinking i deserve the attention and probably out of love.
And why do i put this online for the world to see when i know you hate it when our private lives are published? Because theres a saying that goes, life's too short for us to make all the mistakes, thats when we learn from other's mistakes. Who knows some distruaght little soul might come across my blog wondering why his gf/wife/partner is crying, why is she acting the way she is. sometimes, we're just made that way. we can't help it. but most of the times, its because we love you and we want the best out of you, and ourselves, and us.
I love you, sayang. Although theres so many times I fell asleep making you mad.
And you know I believe that "It'll be okay in the morning," always. So I hope you'll understand that too. There's so many things for you to understand about me, and I know there's more for me to understand about you too. We have a whole lifetime to understand each other, if God permits.

Time is like an Usain Bolt.

MAKKAAAAAAU! ITS ALREADY LIKE 24 AUGUST AND I KEEP KEEP KEEP ON THINKING ITS STILL JULY CUZ WHEN THIS PERSON CAME TO ME THAT DAY AND TOLD ME THE DEADLINE WAS 15 AUGUST, I TOLD HIM, OKAY STILL GOT ENOUGH TIME, WHEN IN ACTUAL FACT, ITS ALREADY 20 AUGUST!!!! AND ITS SEPTEMBER NEXT WEEK, AND THEN OCTOBER COMES BY, THEN NOVEMBER, THEN DECEMBER. THEN OMG ITS SEA GAMES YEAR ALREADY. slow down, man, slow down! what the hell are you rushing for, time? :( Okay so lets make this quick. Its Friday, coming into the end of first week of raya and i've visited 6 houses in total. hahahaha! i dont feel it, y'all. not this year. i think its just that i've grown out of it. i didnt even bake this year although im dying to get my hands on the oven. dont know why i'll do that, but you get what i mean. i painted my house though, like the whole freaking living room, dining room and the balcony. and i have 4 brothers, and the sister painted the house. yay? I havent been Sailing although theres a competition in early September. This is terrible but I havent learnt to love sailing like how i love rowing. its a totally different feeling. hopefully with time, i'll start to like it, then love it. and east coast is MOTHER FAR. i take 2 and a half hours to get there from home by public (not taxi) and 30mins when i drive. oh life is unfair. i suddenly feel like taking a bike license but i gotta wait for nadzrie and we actually made a promise that even if we had license we'll never ride. but i promised myself that i will never take a driving license too cuz i was meant to be driven. i dont know. WORK HAS BEEN CRAZY, as always. millions of things piling up on my table. BOO YOU WORK! I got "sounded" yesterday, cuz i cant find a better word to use, and scolding is a too strong word to use cuz it wasnt like that. okay, so i usually gym in the morning cuz im a morning person and like they say, "workout before your brain figures out what you are doing" and so yes, i've been clocking hours of running and gymming in the morning because by the time midday comes, millions of excuses will pop in my head like a stupid one would be, "I DONT WANNA SWEAT CUZ I'LL HAVE TO SHOWER AND ITS SO TROUBLESOME." Damn you excuses. Damn you. So yeah, I always come to work at 730am SHARP, mind you. early bird catches the worm, no? so at 730am, noone is around so my mood to start work so early is NIL so i go to the gym or run. yesterday, i came back from the gym at 9am, since its a non-teaching week, kids are having exams. and jeng jeng jeng hello hello my RO was at the front door to my office. she wasnt angry lah, she was just worried people might complain that i train during office hours. and you know my life policy. im fine with absolutely anything, other than seafood and the colour yellow, as long as it does not interfere with the thing i love, like rowing, and training (i.e. gymming and running). why is sailing not in the list? i cant lie to myself that i love sailing, can i? i havent fell in love with it yet. it'll take time. but yea, work work work always friggin gets in the way of training and i bloody hate that. and oh my dear God, why does sailing has to be in the odd hours of the day, like from 1-5pm? when in my rowing days, we rest and roll in bed at 1-5pm. OH MY DEAR BRAIN HOW DO YOU COME ABOUT WITH ALL THESE EXCUSES!!!! even as we speak, more work coming in as colleagues come into my cubicle and leave with more responsibilities on my shourders, no wonder this frustrating knot on my shouler never goes away. one quitting, another transferring departments, HOW TO SURVIVE LIDDAT. so what happened to rowing? other than the fact that they owe me some moolahs for my insurance claim? i dont know. no news. i guess, they can live without an aisyah rower. le sigh. talking about them makes me feel like punching a wall, but i'll only end up hurting myself. so if i dont intend to do anything, i shall just shut up. maybe one day i'll tell them that im quitting. YES BELIEVE IT OR NOT I HAVENT TOLD THEM! So yeah my Olympic dream still lingers in hopelessness. the thing about having these dreams is that, why didnt i specifically specify (is there even such a phrase?) that i wanted to be an Olympian in a SPECIFIC sport? so when times like this come about, at least i know which sport to pick! now, i'm in this no turning back junction where one path leads to a sport i love but brings me NOWHERE, and another goes to a sport i dont really love (yet) but has a higher chance of getting me somewhere. to think about it, there is a way of turning back but that would mean i have to risk these 4 to 8 years trying out something i never thought i would ever be able to do in my life. MACHAM A MID LIFE CRISIS AT 24. God save me. okay, off to a fun friday with loads of work and NAPFA test at the end of the day. GRAAAAR!

work and everything else

life used to be rowing and everything else. rowing is the sun, everything else just revolves around it. and i didnt mind that at all because, 1. I love rowing 2. I really do 3. refer to point 1 and 2. when you get out of that water, the feeling you get after a good row is irreplacable. bad rows come with tears and disappointments but its a sign for you to work bloody hard for the next training so that you wont feel that way again. but day in day out, when you pack your bag to leave for home or training or wherever you were supposed to go to after work, the sense of satisfaction isnt there at all. well maybe you'll feel proud you have accomplished most of the things in your to-do list, or probably you feel relieved to have finally reached end of work. but still i dont see myself doing this for a long period of time. im 24, not young for an athlete, not old enough for a daily routine of work and nothing else. time isnt gonna wait for me. noone's gonna wait for me. especially all the other athletes vying for a spot in the 2016 Olympics. they're on the water right now rowing. or perhaps 9am would mean they would have just finished their morning row. looking forward to the afternoon and evening training. and while they have clocked in at least 2 hours of training today, i sit here, in front of my computer, whining. hating every moment i dont get to train. dont get me wrong, i like my job. i can wake up every morning to go to work, i dont need a reason to skip work or take MCs, sometimes i leave work at 10pm. but i dont love it. i wont go around telling people i love my job, like how i tell the world i love rowing, because simply, i dont love it. like and love has a vast different, mind you. work isn't mundane. theres new things to do everyday, and i get to teach and coach too, which makes life nicer in a way, because i get to teach sports and everyone knows the sports junkie i am. rowing is more mundane, i have to agree. doing the same shit every single day of your life. but i just cant put a finger to explain why i love it so much. and why i cant get this same feeling when i work. maybe its because i know i can do my job when im 30, 40 or probably even 50. but when it comes to sports, theres a certain age limit. once you hit 30, its hard to train, with your body knowing that it has tire out. sports is unfair, like that. thats why im here whining, complaining, sitting here like a workaholic wishing i was out there rowing, or sailing, or running. or whatever that brings me closer to the Olympics. work's not gonna help. but work is essential. because without it, im always broke. and my mum would nag more than ever. im distraught. distraught is a too nice word to describe what im feeling right now. and i havent even started on deciding whether i should stick to rowing or take the risk to sail. its a 2 very different sport, the only similarity would probably be that both are water sports. thats about it. everything else differs, from the muscle group i use, to the type of training i need, and even down to the bit that in rowing, i'd wanna be 59kg but in sailing, i have to be 72kg. but looking at the situation in rowing, the fact that i've been here for 10 years and nothing has changed no matter how much i try to change them, i think its time for a fresh start. and then, now, work is in the way. why cant the freaking govt just pay us athletes like how they pay the foreigners? i guess all things are difficult before they are easy. i gotta hang on. work or no work. sailing or rowing. whether im alone or i have support from my family and friends. i guess one thing i gotta hold on to is my dream. and fighting hard to get there. and right smack in the middle of all these dilemma and conundrums, the fasting month starts tomorrow. not like its a bad thing. maybe its a sign for me to stop, pray and think.

heartbroken.

It's one of those days, those moments, those seconds in life that u wish didn't happen. But u can't run away from the fact that it did happen. And when it did, all u wanted to do was to go back to the comfort of your home, face buried in your pillows and cry. Cry so loud u don't friggin care if the neighbors complain, let the police put u behind bars for public nuisance, may the court sentence u to a lifetime imprisonment. As long as u don't have to face this cruel, cruel world anymore.
I want to run away, fly to as far as I can, bring the people I love with me, get away from this country. Leave my misery behind. Start anew.
I'm so brokenhearted. I feel so distressed. So lost and confused and. And. I don't know. Im just so sad, Astaghfirullahalazim.
No, it's not Nadzrie. He's still with me and may we be together till the end of time, inshallah. In fact, he did the right thing today. To let me cry my eyes out, and hug me till I feel a tad better. Not asking, not telling me to stop crying. Thank you, sayang.
It's about my sport. And when my gym trainer told us, "if we continue to not have a coach, we cannot gym anymore." it was the most heartbreaking thing I've heard in years, masyallah. It hurts me so deep, my god. I immediately broke down in tears. Why, why do u take away things I love from me? One by one. Slowly. Insidiously. Taking everything away from me. My life. First rowing, now this.
I must fight for what I deserve. It's been too long waiting. Too much of doing nothing. I can't sit here watching my life crumble in my hands right before my eyes, not doing anything but to complain. I have to stop depending on people. I must fight for myself. I must be strong.
I know I have sailing, and I like it. It's hard, but I know with so much effort, I'll be really good in it. But time, oh time, work, oh god. With the kind of work I do, it's tough for me to train. It's not impossible, but hard. I must do something about this. I will. Inshallah. Things will change around here. They should. They must. Inshallah they will.
Keep me strong, oh God. Keep my will strong. With you, I shall soar.

le bf still in KL.

GAAAAAAH. so his car went dead on sunday and it was sent to a workshop and it will take 3 days to repair and so he's still there and will only come back tmr. and i've actually survived 5 days without him! SURVIVOR. okay so, its like 10am and im at work. and i realize my desk is atrociously (is that how u spell it?) messy and i cant seem to start on work so I'm gonna sit here, release my mind off things (like the irritz fact that he's still in KL) and calm down, dig my nose, give myself a shoulder massage. and there. im good? had a jog this morning with my bloody annoying creaking knee but managed to complete 5 rounds and a few crunches. like a loser. cant do much cuz theres gym today. thats what i tell myself. stupid excuses, seriously. 15 things on my TO-DO list. 7 hours. u know what? i realized i cant just sit here and expect things to happen. i gotta make it happen. like rowing, or sailing, or work, or even getting my fat ass for a jog. i cant expect it to jump out of the seat and run, i gotta do it. and its a matter of whether i wanna do it or not. yeah. so im gonna stop saying impossible because nothing is impossible and im sure theres a way to every single thing in life, even money. im gonna say YES YES YES. and watching justin bieber's boyfriend video is like seeing a lesbian scene. i swear he looks so pretty. i mean yeah, cute little thing, very pretty. i cant take how flawless his face is, facial hair-less, like a baby's butt. i have nothing against him. isnt pretty a compliment? okay done. 10:07am. ready, go.

le bf in KL.

Dear Blog, its been 3 months since i updated you! and omg its been 12 hours since i last saw le bf who went to kl today without meeeeeee and this past 12 hours seems like more than 3 months, feels like forever. I'm so hopeless and needy i swear and i really don't know how I'm gonna survive when he goes to the army. i'll probably just rot and die. sigh. we made a promise today that we will never bring up the topic on breaking up ever again. i have this horrible habit of saying things like, "if u walk away, we're over" kind of thing. and i know its terrible and how unjust of me and you'd feel like u wanna give me a slap. yeah, sometimes my mouth springs out of control when I'm mad. and when I'm angry, i feel as though i can live without him, (don't we all feel that way?) but now when he's away, and I'm having a race in singapore and my finals are tmr and he's not around to witness it, gaaah, I'm so sad, i swear! :( get a life, aisyah. its only like 2 days, or 3, i don't know. now he tells me he'll be coming hm on monday, not sunday. :( im so pathetic, i had to google, "how to miss someone less" I KNOW RIGHT. okay, lets talk about other things in life. 1. work. there are days when i had to wake up at 430am, there are days when i have to leave school at 930pm. there are days when I'm on leave and yet still come to school. ahhh, work. i like my job. but it doesn't give me that kind of satisfaction i get when i row. i know i can't compare but i live by the motto, "i do what i love, i love what i do". i wouldn't say i love my job. i like it, and for me, thats good enough. like how the appraisal system works and when u get a C you shouldn't freak out because C is considered satisfactory and its a grade everyone gets normally. liking is already a strong word for me to use. i don't like jobs easily. so to be able to like my job and not get an mc like every week is good enough. i still wish i am able to be a full-time paid athlete. an olympian. like officially a professional athlete. why can't the govt see that? :( 2. rowing. yea, been rowing without a coach. the asia cup is like happening now. thurs and friday were the heats and repercharges, i reluctantly rowed the single sculls and tomorrow is my final b. the pair is in final a tomorrow and nic hopes for us to medal. and of cuz even when he doesn't say it, we want to medal. sometimes i wonder what he's thinking, that old man. sigh. and my single sculls, oh god, i really don't know why i can't seem to friggin row fast on the singles. i was going at SR 30 just now and my pair could pick up till 35. i love rowing. i really do. i don't know if id change sport :( i came across a quote today and it goes, "i honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate." fooh, strong words. but a part of me says, stay. the other says go. i can't decide. i hate myself sometimes. 3. everything else? hahaha. well work and rowing takes up like 98% of my life. and le bf probably about 100%. i know it doenst make mathematical sense but i don't care. almost went to bandung with mum but she's going to kl instead. :/ RACE TOMORROW I SHOULD BE SLEEPING. i still cannot believe they got halimah yacob to grace the event. lets just see how it goes tomorrow. "promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate." :)

strange.

im getting this odd feeling inside of me.
i feel like i just wanna burst into tears for no particular reason, or probably for many reasons but i just refuse to acknowledge them.
i dont know if im under stressed or underperforming. theres no worf-rate monitor that i strap around my heart and brain to tell me whether im working too hard, or too little.
im in this confused state of mind. and my body is feeling the same way too. im feeling many feelings and theyre all vying with each other to be the one i display, whether in appearance, or in behaviour.
like this morning, i felt fresh and awake. i jumped out of bed, thanking God for letting me live another day in this world, grateful that I did not wake up late. then in the bus, i felt tired and omglyness sleepy. i didnt care if my mouth was wide open or if i was drooling as long as i have my sleep in the bus.
now at work, i felt drained. theres a list of things that i have to do, whether its work-related, life-related or not related to anything at all. and this list is increasing by the day, by the hour.
my little bleeps of happiness happen when i flash out my THICK RED MARKER and draw a line across the points in this list.
but adding more points to the list > checking the points in the list
and yet, im still here updating my blog amidst the stacks of paperwork i have to complete.
i feel helpless. like a lifeless soul, travelling from home to work to training and back home. it feels like a routine. i dont like routine, except when routine develops me better. like rowing. i dont mind routine in rowing. it makes me faster, better, stronger. routine at work is just brain damaging. its supposed to develop me as a person, but i dont feel myself developing into a better being. if developing eye bags, migranes and developing hatred for routine work counts as development, then maybe its wrong for me to say that work doesnt develop me.
work.
theres like a million things to do at work, a gazillion things to know. i dont even know if my brain has this much capacity to store each and every single thing. i dont even know when it has reached its limit. or whether its limit has been reached 10 years ago without me realizing it.
like i always remind myself, i like my job. but i love my sport.
tough love.
and this rowing thing, omg. omg. omg.
things have gone from bad to worse. actually, things havent changed much. its not getting worse. it has just been like that.
10 years. and this will be the third time im going tru this cycle of BULLSHIT. it starts of with having a grp of athletes to train for a major games, whether the athletes win in competition or not, there will be no coach, and theres no solution to that (which is sad cuz theres at least 10 minds thinking together and not one can come out with a solution). and then theres the stage where the athletes voice out their opinion, and their opinion will always get stepped on and smashed like a potato. and finally, tired of being the antagonist, the athlete leaves and a new batch of athletes step in. and the cycle repeats.
no growth, no development. only bullshit.
im an expert in this theory, ive been tru it twice and going tru it currently for the third time now.
you know what i feel like doing now?
just take all my money, and go far far away, like to new zealand, or spain or the alps or nepal or something. somewhere noone can find me. i just wanna be away from all these bullshits in life.
haiz.
in less than a month, im gonna leave for korea, which i havent told my big boss about and i dont know if he'll allow me to go. im in deep shit i know. what to do, my life has been revolving around bull shit.

gaaah. the air con in the office is making my skin so dry i dont like it. :(

life, why are you so mean to me? :(

work.

the first month of work has been crazy.
no, workload wasnt heavy, not yet at least. i know im gonna be bogged down with work once the new semester starts, i can just feel it coming. but for now, ive been surfing the net, sometimes watching videos, going for walks around campus like a loner, exploring places in the school, life has been pretty much, empty. my colleagues are nice, for now.
so whats crazy about january?
the fact that i miss being a full time athlete? totally.
the fact that work is taking precious trng time away from me? definitely.
i know im such a loser. wheres my promise to focus on work and put aside trng? whats my priority now?
its not easy letting go of something that was once part of your life for the longest time. yea, i know i can row once in a while, i dont have to like let go of it altogether, but im born to be an athlete, i cant row once in a while, im just not rigged to do so. i need to row every single day, pushing myself to the limits, improving every day until i reach my goal. thats what i was designed to do. my purpose of life. work is just a necessity, like rest. work is where i get my food and transport from.
but i dont like it that work takes rowing away from me :( its making me a sad, stressed and always venting it out on nadzrie and we have been quarrelling oh so frequently its making both of us sad! ugh.
sometimes, i dont know how he does it. he has been absolutely patient with me. especially since ive stopped rowing frequently and gym sessions just began, my body began to crumble. first the hammies which felt as though they were gonna tear, then my right ankle from the boat accident, then my knee started to sting when i row or squat, and very most recently, the left foot. which noone knows for sure what is wrong with it. which has been very annoying, really. i'd rather know whats wrong with it, be it a fracture or a really terrible situation then not knowing at all.its been 2 weeks and the swelling and pain is still lingering around. :(
so i've made a little pinky finger promise to nadzrie, that i will not do anything else other than rowing (and sailing). no soccer, no netball, no no no. i'll try my best to avoid them at all costs.
and then comes the bloco training which stretches up to 12am with work the next day at 730am. and then theres the sailing bit which is still giving me a ray of hope.
oh and the most epic challenge God has thrown to me:
April is the month i will be handling a project for work and it will also be the month of the Olympic Qualifiers which is a once every 4 years opportunity. its making me go mad which one to decide, work or rowing.
but i guess whatever i decide to go with, i hope im more than prepared to face the consequences. insyaallah.
so you see, its not work that i cant handle. its whatever else is happneing around me that i cant handle.
i hate being sad :(

sian.

i was excited about work after my 3 long days of MC but when i came back, there was nothing to do. :(
i mean, yes, normal people would rejoice at the thought of going to work and having nothing to do, but havent you found out already? im not normal. i hate slacking. i hate having nothing to do. graaar.
i know the workload's gonna be really heavy come april. but i just found out that the asian rowing training camp starts on the EXACT SAME DAY as the first day of school for poly students in april. how nice. isnt my life great? why did i end up getting a job in which its busy days clashes with the rowing season. smart. really smart.
and right now, i REALLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO. and i would really love to go to my boss or my colleagues and ask for something to do, but im not mad. i may be smart, but not crazy. yes, minus initiative points. maybe i'll give it a try tmr. should i?
okay, so whats this about my 3 days MC?
on sunday, i had a terrible accident. it wasnt major, it was just a jump, like seriously, it was a SIMPLE jump in which i need to bend my knees and transfer the potential energy to kinetic energy and gravitational potential energy...ya, like that.
and when i was about to land, my left foot decided to give way. like it just snapped like a twig. i heard a few cracks, which was what scared the coconuts out of me. and i fell. i was sitting there like a mermaid, just trying not to move, trying not to cry. i was like, dont cry dont cry. then the pain started to seep insidiously. im gonna cry im gonna cry. and i realized i said it out loud when the others around me said, dont cry dont cry. hahahah! i didnt cry. they brought me over to the nearest bench, iced it and that was it.
it was swollen throughout the whole day i thought something was broken. the first thing that feared me was, WHAT IF I COULDNT TRAIN FOR WEEKS? :(
Nadz's parents sent me to the hospital to get it checked cuz it was utterly painful. found out there were no OBVIOUS fractures. Alhamdullilah. might be some swelling of the soft tissues around the foot. had 3 days MC for that and was bored to death at home. GAAAAH.
on tuesday, i went to see cormac and he figured it was a bruised bone with some strains on the ligaments which wasnt good, neither was it bad news.
its still bruised now, and it hurts a little when i walk, but im a strong girl. i'll do just fine. :)
now let me find something else to do. bye!

New things you learn everyday.

Today I learnt that no matter how many friends you have, or how many siblings you live with or how many pair of parents raise me up, sometimes you have to learn to live alone. Not everyone will be there for you. Not everyone will have time for you. The doctors can help you, your friends can send you words of encouragement, your parents can advice you, but in the end, to wake up at 630am and to leave your house at 730am only to painstakingly walk to your desired destination in 2hours when usually it'll take you an hr and 15mins, only you are able to do that, noone else. So if you wake up feeling awful, wishing you could get back to sleep, feeling hungry and tired, be grateful you don't have to limp around, be thankful you can go to school or work with ease, no matter how long it takes you. Be grateful for all you have because you'll never know what might happen to you and when.

new year, new you (p2)

i didnt expect to have a part 2 but as i was drawing up my new timetable to divide my time properly, i remembed another major problem i have:

Major Problem 4.
Clients.
I cant let go of my clients. I am indebted to them to help them achieve their fitness goals. I enjoy trng them :(

And I have another major problem that irks me so bad right now. In rowing, there are some people who just say as they like. Some people who think that we get things easy.

#01: we whine and complain but when it comes to games day, no matter how sick we were and irresponsible as some might say, which is definitely a lesson to learn, we won a medal.
i won two.
AND OMG IF THERE WAS A COUNTER WHICH SHOWED US HOW MANY TIMES WE COMPLAINED AND HOW MANY TIMES SOME PEOPLE COMPLAINED WE WILL DEFINITELY LOSE HANDS DOWN.
gawd.

#02: we are not spoon fed, my goodness. spoonfeeding is a word some people use in excess and totally out of context. spoonfeeding means to overindulge or spoil. hmmm. let me think. which part of making us train at 7am every morning and most of the time having 2 trngs a day and the fact that we didnt miss a single training last year anywhere closer to being spoonfed? maybe having a mean of transportation to training and out of there is a luxury but that is simply because some people refuse to be friends with us therefore does not usually get the opportunity to hitch a ride with us! furthermore, anyone can sleepover at the trng cntr so one doesnt have to travel early in the morning to train.

#03: some people are not able to row right now because its their choice. as much as i dont think its a luxury to be able to join a club so that i can row, im grateful my ego is not that big and the owner of the club is pretty much okay with me rowing in his club. sometimes, somethings gotta give. its not our fault some people dont get to row with us! who told them to be so...(i cant find the perfect word to put here) awful is a too kind word.

#04: all that i know now is that im going to the qualifiers (insyaallah), i get to row, i get to gym at SSC, and some people are not!

enough said.