work and everything else

life used to be rowing and everything else. rowing is the sun, everything else just revolves around it. and i didnt mind that at all because, 1. I love rowing 2. I really do 3. refer to point 1 and 2. when you get out of that water, the feeling you get after a good row is irreplacable. bad rows come with tears and disappointments but its a sign for you to work bloody hard for the next training so that you wont feel that way again. but day in day out, when you pack your bag to leave for home or training or wherever you were supposed to go to after work, the sense of satisfaction isnt there at all. well maybe you'll feel proud you have accomplished most of the things in your to-do list, or probably you feel relieved to have finally reached end of work. but still i dont see myself doing this for a long period of time. im 24, not young for an athlete, not old enough for a daily routine of work and nothing else. time isnt gonna wait for me. noone's gonna wait for me. especially all the other athletes vying for a spot in the 2016 Olympics. they're on the water right now rowing. or perhaps 9am would mean they would have just finished their morning row. looking forward to the afternoon and evening training. and while they have clocked in at least 2 hours of training today, i sit here, in front of my computer, whining. hating every moment i dont get to train. dont get me wrong, i like my job. i can wake up every morning to go to work, i dont need a reason to skip work or take MCs, sometimes i leave work at 10pm. but i dont love it. i wont go around telling people i love my job, like how i tell the world i love rowing, because simply, i dont love it. like and love has a vast different, mind you. work isn't mundane. theres new things to do everyday, and i get to teach and coach too, which makes life nicer in a way, because i get to teach sports and everyone knows the sports junkie i am. rowing is more mundane, i have to agree. doing the same shit every single day of your life. but i just cant put a finger to explain why i love it so much. and why i cant get this same feeling when i work. maybe its because i know i can do my job when im 30, 40 or probably even 50. but when it comes to sports, theres a certain age limit. once you hit 30, its hard to train, with your body knowing that it has tire out. sports is unfair, like that. thats why im here whining, complaining, sitting here like a workaholic wishing i was out there rowing, or sailing, or running. or whatever that brings me closer to the Olympics. work's not gonna help. but work is essential. because without it, im always broke. and my mum would nag more than ever. im distraught. distraught is a too nice word to describe what im feeling right now. and i havent even started on deciding whether i should stick to rowing or take the risk to sail. its a 2 very different sport, the only similarity would probably be that both are water sports. thats about it. everything else differs, from the muscle group i use, to the type of training i need, and even down to the bit that in rowing, i'd wanna be 59kg but in sailing, i have to be 72kg. but looking at the situation in rowing, the fact that i've been here for 10 years and nothing has changed no matter how much i try to change them, i think its time for a fresh start. and then, now, work is in the way. why cant the freaking govt just pay us athletes like how they pay the foreigners? i guess all things are difficult before they are easy. i gotta hang on. work or no work. sailing or rowing. whether im alone or i have support from my family and friends. i guess one thing i gotta hold on to is my dream. and fighting hard to get there. and right smack in the middle of all these dilemma and conundrums, the fasting month starts tomorrow. not like its a bad thing. maybe its a sign for me to stop, pray and think.

heartbroken.

It's one of those days, those moments, those seconds in life that u wish didn't happen. But u can't run away from the fact that it did happen. And when it did, all u wanted to do was to go back to the comfort of your home, face buried in your pillows and cry. Cry so loud u don't friggin care if the neighbors complain, let the police put u behind bars for public nuisance, may the court sentence u to a lifetime imprisonment. As long as u don't have to face this cruel, cruel world anymore.
I want to run away, fly to as far as I can, bring the people I love with me, get away from this country. Leave my misery behind. Start anew.
I'm so brokenhearted. I feel so distressed. So lost and confused and. And. I don't know. Im just so sad, Astaghfirullahalazim.
No, it's not Nadzrie. He's still with me and may we be together till the end of time, inshallah. In fact, he did the right thing today. To let me cry my eyes out, and hug me till I feel a tad better. Not asking, not telling me to stop crying. Thank you, sayang.
It's about my sport. And when my gym trainer told us, "if we continue to not have a coach, we cannot gym anymore." it was the most heartbreaking thing I've heard in years, masyallah. It hurts me so deep, my god. I immediately broke down in tears. Why, why do u take away things I love from me? One by one. Slowly. Insidiously. Taking everything away from me. My life. First rowing, now this.
I must fight for what I deserve. It's been too long waiting. Too much of doing nothing. I can't sit here watching my life crumble in my hands right before my eyes, not doing anything but to complain. I have to stop depending on people. I must fight for myself. I must be strong.
I know I have sailing, and I like it. It's hard, but I know with so much effort, I'll be really good in it. But time, oh time, work, oh god. With the kind of work I do, it's tough for me to train. It's not impossible, but hard. I must do something about this. I will. Inshallah. Things will change around here. They should. They must. Inshallah they will.
Keep me strong, oh God. Keep my will strong. With you, I shall soar.

le bf still in KL.

GAAAAAAH. so his car went dead on sunday and it was sent to a workshop and it will take 3 days to repair and so he's still there and will only come back tmr. and i've actually survived 5 days without him! SURVIVOR. okay so, its like 10am and im at work. and i realize my desk is atrociously (is that how u spell it?) messy and i cant seem to start on work so I'm gonna sit here, release my mind off things (like the irritz fact that he's still in KL) and calm down, dig my nose, give myself a shoulder massage. and there. im good? had a jog this morning with my bloody annoying creaking knee but managed to complete 5 rounds and a few crunches. like a loser. cant do much cuz theres gym today. thats what i tell myself. stupid excuses, seriously. 15 things on my TO-DO list. 7 hours. u know what? i realized i cant just sit here and expect things to happen. i gotta make it happen. like rowing, or sailing, or work, or even getting my fat ass for a jog. i cant expect it to jump out of the seat and run, i gotta do it. and its a matter of whether i wanna do it or not. yeah. so im gonna stop saying impossible because nothing is impossible and im sure theres a way to every single thing in life, even money. im gonna say YES YES YES. and watching justin bieber's boyfriend video is like seeing a lesbian scene. i swear he looks so pretty. i mean yeah, cute little thing, very pretty. i cant take how flawless his face is, facial hair-less, like a baby's butt. i have nothing against him. isnt pretty a compliment? okay done. 10:07am. ready, go.

le bf in KL.

Dear Blog, its been 3 months since i updated you! and omg its been 12 hours since i last saw le bf who went to kl today without meeeeeee and this past 12 hours seems like more than 3 months, feels like forever. I'm so hopeless and needy i swear and i really don't know how I'm gonna survive when he goes to the army. i'll probably just rot and die. sigh. we made a promise today that we will never bring up the topic on breaking up ever again. i have this horrible habit of saying things like, "if u walk away, we're over" kind of thing. and i know its terrible and how unjust of me and you'd feel like u wanna give me a slap. yeah, sometimes my mouth springs out of control when I'm mad. and when I'm angry, i feel as though i can live without him, (don't we all feel that way?) but now when he's away, and I'm having a race in singapore and my finals are tmr and he's not around to witness it, gaaah, I'm so sad, i swear! :( get a life, aisyah. its only like 2 days, or 3, i don't know. now he tells me he'll be coming hm on monday, not sunday. :( im so pathetic, i had to google, "how to miss someone less" I KNOW RIGHT. okay, lets talk about other things in life. 1. work. there are days when i had to wake up at 430am, there are days when i have to leave school at 930pm. there are days when I'm on leave and yet still come to school. ahhh, work. i like my job. but it doesn't give me that kind of satisfaction i get when i row. i know i can't compare but i live by the motto, "i do what i love, i love what i do". i wouldn't say i love my job. i like it, and for me, thats good enough. like how the appraisal system works and when u get a C you shouldn't freak out because C is considered satisfactory and its a grade everyone gets normally. liking is already a strong word for me to use. i don't like jobs easily. so to be able to like my job and not get an mc like every week is good enough. i still wish i am able to be a full-time paid athlete. an olympian. like officially a professional athlete. why can't the govt see that? :( 2. rowing. yea, been rowing without a coach. the asia cup is like happening now. thurs and friday were the heats and repercharges, i reluctantly rowed the single sculls and tomorrow is my final b. the pair is in final a tomorrow and nic hopes for us to medal. and of cuz even when he doesn't say it, we want to medal. sometimes i wonder what he's thinking, that old man. sigh. and my single sculls, oh god, i really don't know why i can't seem to friggin row fast on the singles. i was going at SR 30 just now and my pair could pick up till 35. i love rowing. i really do. i don't know if id change sport :( i came across a quote today and it goes, "i honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate." fooh, strong words. but a part of me says, stay. the other says go. i can't decide. i hate myself sometimes. 3. everything else? hahaha. well work and rowing takes up like 98% of my life. and le bf probably about 100%. i know it doenst make mathematical sense but i don't care. almost went to bandung with mum but she's going to kl instead. :/ RACE TOMORROW I SHOULD BE SLEEPING. i still cannot believe they got halimah yacob to grace the event. lets just see how it goes tomorrow. "promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate." :)

strange.

im getting this odd feeling inside of me.
i feel like i just wanna burst into tears for no particular reason, or probably for many reasons but i just refuse to acknowledge them.
i dont know if im under stressed or underperforming. theres no worf-rate monitor that i strap around my heart and brain to tell me whether im working too hard, or too little.
im in this confused state of mind. and my body is feeling the same way too. im feeling many feelings and theyre all vying with each other to be the one i display, whether in appearance, or in behaviour.
like this morning, i felt fresh and awake. i jumped out of bed, thanking God for letting me live another day in this world, grateful that I did not wake up late. then in the bus, i felt tired and omglyness sleepy. i didnt care if my mouth was wide open or if i was drooling as long as i have my sleep in the bus.
now at work, i felt drained. theres a list of things that i have to do, whether its work-related, life-related or not related to anything at all. and this list is increasing by the day, by the hour.
my little bleeps of happiness happen when i flash out my THICK RED MARKER and draw a line across the points in this list.
but adding more points to the list > checking the points in the list
and yet, im still here updating my blog amidst the stacks of paperwork i have to complete.
i feel helpless. like a lifeless soul, travelling from home to work to training and back home. it feels like a routine. i dont like routine, except when routine develops me better. like rowing. i dont mind routine in rowing. it makes me faster, better, stronger. routine at work is just brain damaging. its supposed to develop me as a person, but i dont feel myself developing into a better being. if developing eye bags, migranes and developing hatred for routine work counts as development, then maybe its wrong for me to say that work doesnt develop me.
work.
theres like a million things to do at work, a gazillion things to know. i dont even know if my brain has this much capacity to store each and every single thing. i dont even know when it has reached its limit. or whether its limit has been reached 10 years ago without me realizing it.
like i always remind myself, i like my job. but i love my sport.
tough love.
and this rowing thing, omg. omg. omg.
things have gone from bad to worse. actually, things havent changed much. its not getting worse. it has just been like that.
10 years. and this will be the third time im going tru this cycle of BULLSHIT. it starts of with having a grp of athletes to train for a major games, whether the athletes win in competition or not, there will be no coach, and theres no solution to that (which is sad cuz theres at least 10 minds thinking together and not one can come out with a solution). and then theres the stage where the athletes voice out their opinion, and their opinion will always get stepped on and smashed like a potato. and finally, tired of being the antagonist, the athlete leaves and a new batch of athletes step in. and the cycle repeats.
no growth, no development. only bullshit.
im an expert in this theory, ive been tru it twice and going tru it currently for the third time now.
you know what i feel like doing now?
just take all my money, and go far far away, like to new zealand, or spain or the alps or nepal or something. somewhere noone can find me. i just wanna be away from all these bullshits in life.
haiz.
in less than a month, im gonna leave for korea, which i havent told my big boss about and i dont know if he'll allow me to go. im in deep shit i know. what to do, my life has been revolving around bull shit.

gaaah. the air con in the office is making my skin so dry i dont like it. :(

life, why are you so mean to me? :(

work.

the first month of work has been crazy.
no, workload wasnt heavy, not yet at least. i know im gonna be bogged down with work once the new semester starts, i can just feel it coming. but for now, ive been surfing the net, sometimes watching videos, going for walks around campus like a loner, exploring places in the school, life has been pretty much, empty. my colleagues are nice, for now.
so whats crazy about january?
the fact that i miss being a full time athlete? totally.
the fact that work is taking precious trng time away from me? definitely.
i know im such a loser. wheres my promise to focus on work and put aside trng? whats my priority now?
its not easy letting go of something that was once part of your life for the longest time. yea, i know i can row once in a while, i dont have to like let go of it altogether, but im born to be an athlete, i cant row once in a while, im just not rigged to do so. i need to row every single day, pushing myself to the limits, improving every day until i reach my goal. thats what i was designed to do. my purpose of life. work is just a necessity, like rest. work is where i get my food and transport from.
but i dont like it that work takes rowing away from me :( its making me a sad, stressed and always venting it out on nadzrie and we have been quarrelling oh so frequently its making both of us sad! ugh.
sometimes, i dont know how he does it. he has been absolutely patient with me. especially since ive stopped rowing frequently and gym sessions just began, my body began to crumble. first the hammies which felt as though they were gonna tear, then my right ankle from the boat accident, then my knee started to sting when i row or squat, and very most recently, the left foot. which noone knows for sure what is wrong with it. which has been very annoying, really. i'd rather know whats wrong with it, be it a fracture or a really terrible situation then not knowing at all.its been 2 weeks and the swelling and pain is still lingering around. :(
so i've made a little pinky finger promise to nadzrie, that i will not do anything else other than rowing (and sailing). no soccer, no netball, no no no. i'll try my best to avoid them at all costs.
and then comes the bloco training which stretches up to 12am with work the next day at 730am. and then theres the sailing bit which is still giving me a ray of hope.
oh and the most epic challenge God has thrown to me:
April is the month i will be handling a project for work and it will also be the month of the Olympic Qualifiers which is a once every 4 years opportunity. its making me go mad which one to decide, work or rowing.
but i guess whatever i decide to go with, i hope im more than prepared to face the consequences. insyaallah.
so you see, its not work that i cant handle. its whatever else is happneing around me that i cant handle.
i hate being sad :(

sian.

i was excited about work after my 3 long days of MC but when i came back, there was nothing to do. :(
i mean, yes, normal people would rejoice at the thought of going to work and having nothing to do, but havent you found out already? im not normal. i hate slacking. i hate having nothing to do. graaar.
i know the workload's gonna be really heavy come april. but i just found out that the asian rowing training camp starts on the EXACT SAME DAY as the first day of school for poly students in april. how nice. isnt my life great? why did i end up getting a job in which its busy days clashes with the rowing season. smart. really smart.
and right now, i REALLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO. and i would really love to go to my boss or my colleagues and ask for something to do, but im not mad. i may be smart, but not crazy. yes, minus initiative points. maybe i'll give it a try tmr. should i?
okay, so whats this about my 3 days MC?
on sunday, i had a terrible accident. it wasnt major, it was just a jump, like seriously, it was a SIMPLE jump in which i need to bend my knees and transfer the potential energy to kinetic energy and gravitational potential energy...ya, like that.
and when i was about to land, my left foot decided to give way. like it just snapped like a twig. i heard a few cracks, which was what scared the coconuts out of me. and i fell. i was sitting there like a mermaid, just trying not to move, trying not to cry. i was like, dont cry dont cry. then the pain started to seep insidiously. im gonna cry im gonna cry. and i realized i said it out loud when the others around me said, dont cry dont cry. hahahah! i didnt cry. they brought me over to the nearest bench, iced it and that was it.
it was swollen throughout the whole day i thought something was broken. the first thing that feared me was, WHAT IF I COULDNT TRAIN FOR WEEKS? :(
Nadz's parents sent me to the hospital to get it checked cuz it was utterly painful. found out there were no OBVIOUS fractures. Alhamdullilah. might be some swelling of the soft tissues around the foot. had 3 days MC for that and was bored to death at home. GAAAAH.
on tuesday, i went to see cormac and he figured it was a bruised bone with some strains on the ligaments which wasnt good, neither was it bad news.
its still bruised now, and it hurts a little when i walk, but im a strong girl. i'll do just fine. :)
now let me find something else to do. bye!

New things you learn everyday.

Today I learnt that no matter how many friends you have, or how many siblings you live with or how many pair of parents raise me up, sometimes you have to learn to live alone. Not everyone will be there for you. Not everyone will have time for you. The doctors can help you, your friends can send you words of encouragement, your parents can advice you, but in the end, to wake up at 630am and to leave your house at 730am only to painstakingly walk to your desired destination in 2hours when usually it'll take you an hr and 15mins, only you are able to do that, noone else. So if you wake up feeling awful, wishing you could get back to sleep, feeling hungry and tired, be grateful you don't have to limp around, be thankful you can go to school or work with ease, no matter how long it takes you. Be grateful for all you have because you'll never know what might happen to you and when.

new year, new you (p2)

i didnt expect to have a part 2 but as i was drawing up my new timetable to divide my time properly, i remembed another major problem i have:

Major Problem 4.
Clients.
I cant let go of my clients. I am indebted to them to help them achieve their fitness goals. I enjoy trng them :(

And I have another major problem that irks me so bad right now. In rowing, there are some people who just say as they like. Some people who think that we get things easy.

#01: we whine and complain but when it comes to games day, no matter how sick we were and irresponsible as some might say, which is definitely a lesson to learn, we won a medal.
i won two.
AND OMG IF THERE WAS A COUNTER WHICH SHOWED US HOW MANY TIMES WE COMPLAINED AND HOW MANY TIMES SOME PEOPLE COMPLAINED WE WILL DEFINITELY LOSE HANDS DOWN.
gawd.

#02: we are not spoon fed, my goodness. spoonfeeding is a word some people use in excess and totally out of context. spoonfeeding means to overindulge or spoil. hmmm. let me think. which part of making us train at 7am every morning and most of the time having 2 trngs a day and the fact that we didnt miss a single training last year anywhere closer to being spoonfed? maybe having a mean of transportation to training and out of there is a luxury but that is simply because some people refuse to be friends with us therefore does not usually get the opportunity to hitch a ride with us! furthermore, anyone can sleepover at the trng cntr so one doesnt have to travel early in the morning to train.

#03: some people are not able to row right now because its their choice. as much as i dont think its a luxury to be able to join a club so that i can row, im grateful my ego is not that big and the owner of the club is pretty much okay with me rowing in his club. sometimes, somethings gotta give. its not our fault some people dont get to row with us! who told them to be so...(i cant find the perfect word to put here) awful is a too kind word.

#04: all that i know now is that im going to the qualifiers (insyaallah), i get to row, i get to gym at SSC, and some people are not!

enough said.

new year, new you.

That phrase reminds me of a project I intended to start last January which made me sign up as a trainer at the People's Association so I can hold sports and wellness classes at community centres. So much for talking but no action. Well, I did became a PA trainer, but I havent conducted any classes. :(

This year, I want to make sure I do one thing I havent got the chance to do last year. TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. Im tired of sitting around, complaining, and having plans to do this and that and everything else but in the end nothing comes out of it. cheap talk. im tired of all that shit. so if theres one more thing i would like to add to my new year resolution, that is to get things done.

I must be awesome at my job.
Yes. My job! Work hasnt been hectic, YET. I know its gonna pick up speed like madness because I see my colleagues do their stuff and im like WHOA, im gonna die.
my job entails of being advisors to sports clubs, conducting sports and wellness classes, sitting at my desk settling paper work (AND CRAZY LOADS OF IT) and more. but the fun part is the sporty culture that my dept adopts whereby they would play sports together every fortnight. last week we played captains ball and it was crazy competitive but fun.
I wanna be awesome at my job. I wanna make a difference to people's lives, the school, the kids. But I have a major problem that is worrying the shit out of me right now.
To think about it its not a major problem, its SOME major problems.

Major Problems:

1. Rowing.
My trainings have been infrequent these days. I feel weak and slow on the boat. We still have to use the club boats which suck. I miss feeling light and strong and fast when Im rowing but my performance level has definitely dropped to ZERO after the SEA Games. This year, the association's gonna send me for the Asian Olympic Qualifiers which is definitely a huge thing! to qualify I have to be top 6 in Asia which isnt within my reach at the moment. i have to be honest with myself. i havent been trng intensively, my knee and ankle have been causing me so much pain. im not at my peak. but i have to remind myself, this year is the year i MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. i am gonna do whatever it takes to be at my best for the qualifiers. even if it means having to train at 430am.
Actually, i wanted to ease off training a little this year because i wanted to really focus on my job and do really well in it. but when i dont row, i feel that my life isnt fulfilled. i feel something amiss. so, here i am, declaring that i will never ever give up rowing for anything. if possible, i will be awesome at both rowing and my job. i will work something out somehow. impossible is nothing, right?
Thankfully, my boss is understanding. He's an athlete too. We'll see how things go from here. Insyaallah it will all go fine. :)

2. Sailing
If you dont know yet, I have been sailing with the national team. Okay it might only be 2 trainings but my goodness that sport is tough shit. Not as tough as rowing but it requires a totally different set of skills. My partner spotted me at SSC when I was gymming and she needed a partner to train with for the 2016 Olympics. my goal. On the first day of sailing, I fell into the water and hit my hip on the boat while it was going at full speed. I have a huge bruise which still hasnt faded away completely. And it has already been a month. Second training, I got better. But theres so many bruises on my shins. Sailing was fun and I think the chances of me getting into Olympics through sailing is better than rowing but NSC is bloody far, my God. and they train in the afternoons when the winds are the strongest. Which is definitely not a rower's life because by afternoon, we would be done wiht training and its our rest period.
So its definitely a totally different sport and I want to go all out for it to be really good in it. That why, its Major Problem #02.
What if it comes to a point where I have to choose between rowing and sailing?
I'll just die.

3. Bloco
It has always been in my TO-DO list: to learn a new instrument. And my chance is here. Nadz's sister has asked me if I wanted to play with Bloco and I really want but their trainings are FAR and at night, which is usually either my training period or mush needed rest period. but i really dont wanna miss this chance to learn, for free. and Bloco's really awesome.
sigh.

there's too much going on is there?
somethings gonna change.
it must be rearranged, oh.

hahaha!

okay, on a serious note. theres too little time in a day to fulfill all my dreams and desires. and i cant be awesome at everything. or can i? ;0

ridiculous. sigh. this is hard. i wish they'd just pay me to row. then i dont have to worry about anything at all. :(

The Erg.

Did my 2k ergo time trial today and died. I swear the ergo sucks the life out of you. I finished the test feeling like a helpless shark whos fin has been cut off and then Im dumped back into the water to sink to the bottom of the sea. Here's the thing. I know I could meet the timing. I am strong and powerful enough to hit the target. But today just wasnt the day. Yes blame the day. Blame the ankle which tightened up chokin my whole foot. Blame the knee which throbbed in pain when i exert so much force on it. Blame the bruise on my bum which I got from sailing. Yes, sailing. Blame my heart for not pumping fast enough to transport sufficient blood to my legs and arms. Blame my mind for being so weak I might as well not sit for the erg and stay at home. seriously. it was a failure from all angles, right from the start. I wasnt prepared. I didnt go through my head what I wanted to do. I wasnt at my best form. I went sailing on thursday, ran on friday. erg on sat. not good. There you go. I cried like a dork after I completed my first trial. First, you say? yes. Because I thought I would be able to pull better, harder, stronger on a second attempt. And noone in the right mind would sit for 2 2k ergs in a day. But I did. because i thought i could. but obviously, without much rest, without any preparation, i couldnt. the timing was so horrendous it doesnt deserve to be posted here. BOTH TIMINGS. oh God please have mercy on me.
ruined. my. saturday.
thats what ergs do.
thats what losers would say.
yeah, im a loser.
for today.

felt like even more of a total loser when i told my sailing friend i couldnt sail because i was on the verge of sweating out lethargy. i was like a dead fish. made my bf angry for something he totally didnt do. stomped home alone, (more like dragged my feet home) only to be greeted by noone at home. slept like a pig. feeling like shit because i hate afternoon naps they make me feel like ive wasted my day and oh man the grogginess. oh erg, you really did killed me.

yes so whats up with this sailing thing?

been wanting to try out sailing for a few months now but only started to get on the boat on thursday. which turned out to be pretty exciting. i was actually on a 470. and sailing it. and doing the trapeze thing which looked like this:

yeah, my body was actually parallel to the water. and the sea water splashing on my face like its the most fun thing to be happening. really, exhilirating. and damn tiring. im so weak. omg. whats up with my fitness? and hello? qualifications in april. are u kidding me? time to pull up my socks, man. this is bad. what happened to the new year resolution of being at my fittest ever. gaah, im such a loser.

and yes, stop calling yourself that before it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

im so sad and tired. and i start work on monday. im excited, but but but (i know, WHY IS THERE A BUT!) looking at how my trainings (both rowing and sailing) would be affected because i'll be working full-time, im not really that excited. BUT yes, lets put training aside for a bit. maybe a week or two. focus on my work, and slowly start fitting trainings into my schedule. hows that? i mean, i cant live my life just complaining and not think of ways how to make things easier right? i think.

there you go. im all better now. despite the swollen eyes from my 100 yrs of crying after the erg testSSSS and dead tired body, i have to pick myself back up again. ergos can ruin my day, but hell no can they ruin my life.

and for that i would like to extent my utmost appreciation to my bf, nadzrie hyckell, for sitting down with my after my erg test telling me to stop crying, get a hold of myself and pick myself back up although at that point of time i was wailing like an ass and being so stubborn i didnt want to lift my ass off the ground for like what seemed like hours. so thank you, sayang, for being so patient with my nonsense.

so this year will be a whole lot of WORK (yes, it comes first), rowing and sailing (both with equal priorities) i dont know how im gonna achieve that but nothing is impossible, right?

right.

this entry is full of bull, shit and nonsense. bye.

One thing I've learnt today:

When he's always on your mind but you're not on his.

Resolution #06: learn to not depend on others.

Resolutions- part two.

Getting my medical check up done so I can start work. After this I gotta wait for the results to be sent to the school where they have to confirm that I'm healthy enough to work. Then I can start work. I'm excited about work I thought I was gonna start on the 3rd but the made me go for a medical checkup. I thought I would clear by the 9th but nope. Wait another week, trying to find ways to earn to support myself till money flows in my bank. Oh well. Be thankful I have a job. Be thankful.

See my new year resolutions are doing pretty well! For now :/

Resolution #04: to be at my fittest. Ever.
A) Did my 2k erg test last week, almost died and didn't complete it. What a loser sia. Complained of my ankle hurting. In actual fact i was just weak. Weakling. Graaar. I need to get below 7:25mins which means I have to maintain at 1:50-1:51 splits. 14 January. May God grant me with all the power and endurance on that day when I sit for the test.
B) I want to start running again. And do it fast. I miss being able to complete a 2.4km in 11mins3secs. My aim this year is to complete it in 10:55mins. And to complete a 10k race in 45mins.
C) I want that 6 pacs hot bod. This time- for real. And I'm gonna make it happen.

#05: I'll take up a religious class. And attend all the classes. Insyaallah. 

That's it I guess. I have more under my sleeve but I don't want to sound very cliche and corny and lame so I'll just stick to 5 reasonable and achievable ones for now.

Oh and recently, my knee's starting to swell up to say hello. Great. And the waters during our evening trainings have been madness I'd rather sail or windsurf then to be bogged up and down by the crazy waves. Every training I'll either end up mad at myself or pissed at the others (incld the water). Most of the time, both. That's why Nadzrie once said, duing training, he's single. How rude kan!

But I still love him, whether or not he's 4 or 5 years younger than me. I still love him, where he's a pilot or a rower or an engineer. I still love him as long as he loves me back the same. :)

Too cheesy.

Bye.

resolutions - part one.

Alhamdullilah, we've reached another end of the year. Alhamdullilah, we've all made it thus far in our lives. Alhamdullilah, is what we should learn to say more often and that comes top in my NEW YEAR RESOLUTION.

#01: Be grateful more often. Say Alhamdullilah.

Things i should be grateful of in 2011:
1. The plenty amount of money I had while I was working.
2. The courage I plucked to submit that letter of resignation to MOE.
3. The screw removal surgery I had to brace for which put me out of training for a week. But it was worth the pain because my knee never felt better.
4. The 3 Bronze medals that I won for the Asia Cup and SEARF Rowing Championships which qualified me for the SEA Games.
5. Passing my driving test after failing it once because I took forever to perform a vertical parking which made me an immediate failure.
6. Having had the means to pay for my own driving lessons.
7. Being able to still stay in my house even though Im supposed to be a working adult and supposedly contributing to the household but obviously I wasnt and am still not.
8. Having a mum who doesnt support me in rowing but still allows me to train every single morning which meant she sees more of her kindergarten kids than her own daughter.
9. Being able to survive financially despite only working as a part-time coach and personal trainer for 8 months.
10. Survived a wisdom teeth surgery where 4 of my teeth were plucked out at once, which also meants survivng my second General Anaesthesia of the year.
11. Recovering miraculously rapidly despite being awfully sick days before the finals for the SEA Games, which brought me to thing to be grateful #12:
12. Bringing home 2 Bronze medals from Jakarta knowing that all the effort Ive put for my sport had been well spent.
13. Having spent a year and 2 months (coming this Jan 4) with my bf who has been the most awesome, most supportive and really really really (finding the perfect word to insert here), someone i will always ask myself, "MasyaAllah, what will I do without him?" Amazing? Incredible? I cant find a word that fits him perfectly but I do know that his presence in my life has made a huge difference to who i am, what i do and where i'll be in the next few years. and no matter how hard i am to handle, he has never left my side. and i pray that he will never leave my side, insyaAllah.
And if 13 had a part b, Im forever grateful that his family is very accepting and welcoming to me being part of them. Alhamdullilah.

And that, being the last in my list doesnt mean he is the least of grateful things im grateful for, would nicely wrap up my list.

And of course there are a thousand other things I should be grateful of such as Singapore being far from any natural disaster, Alhamdullilah. Looking at the flash floods that hit Thailand and the occurences of tsunamis and earthquakes in japan and new zealand, I can never be more than grateful to be living here, although its definitely an expensive city to live in. But for now, lets keep it at 12 things.

#02: Be more organized and stop procrastinating, for goodness sake.

iPad has made my life more organized in a way. not a really huge difference but when it comes to logging in training programmes and keeping track of my clients and the schools that i was coaching, it has played a very important role in taking over the lives of the pen and paper. and yes, i think it has made me more organized to a small extent but change is good. yeah?

but when you look at my room, its not really a disaster. neither is it anywhere close to an IKEA showroom lookalike. i'd call it an organized mess. things are in order, but not in order-kind of thing. you know? and i have these IKEA items i bought ages ago waiting to be drilled onto the walls but instead have been sitting there pretty in the corner of my room collecting immense amounts of dust mites.

so this new year, i want to be more organized and stop procrastinating. ive read somewhere recently that having a daily, "TODAY I WILL ______________" list on my wall with only ONE thing to accomplish per day will help. theres no harm trying!

and yes, i attended a Sports Psychology workshop recently and they sort of taught us how to create Goals and one of the ways to jot down goals and how to get there is to be SPECIFIC (there were others such as MEASURABLE goals, REALISTIC goals, etc. but lets stick to SPECIFIC for now). i know you'll go, "WE ALL KNEW THAT ALREADY." yes, i learnt this back in secondary school days but sometimes it feels good to be reminded of what we learnt before and now, being more mature, older and hopefully wiser, actually do some goal-setting and making them do wonders. thus, my resolutions now arent simply: be more organized. they have to be more like: have a daily list of ONE THING to do and make it happen!
TADA.
i feel smarter already.
and more accomplished.
and im only at #02.

#03: to love my job as much as i love rowing

THIS HAS TO BE #13 THING I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
getting a job, finally. Alhamdullilah.
2 rounds of interviews. 3 candidates. and I emerged as the winner.
honestly, as much confident as i thought i was, i had this little voice inside of me telling me that i should continue hunting for another job while waiting for the results, JUST IN CASE i didnt get this job, and so i did. it was the scariest interviews EVER because clearly i was disadvantaged considering the amount of experience i hardly have as a working adult and my age and the fact that im considered a fresh graduate and the post actually requires someone with plenty of exp (and age) up their sleeves! and the questions i was asked during the interviews were not in the list of common questions asked when i tried to google them.
GASP.
anyways,
it was one of the BEST PHONECALLS IVE EVER RECEIVED IN MY LIFE.
its not really something id call a dream job. but its one of the little steps im planning to take to achieve my career goals (omg this sports psychology workshop has really gotten into my head, hasnt it?)
but really, maybe its not time for me to reveal what the job is yet and it wont make people go OMG YOU GOT THE JOB AS A _________ but im excited as it is because:
1. i'll be earning, Alhamdullilah
2. it has something to do with sports and working with youths.
3. i have a free shuttle bus from woodlands to my workplace and its down the road to my training centre and my bf.

okay, and back to my resolution #03, it sounds like an exciting job and i will learn to love it like how i love rowing. because i cant stand doing what i dont love. so its love it or leave it, and i hope its the latter. i really dont know whats in store for me but whatever it is, insyaAllah it'll be awesome. so i know its hard to love something else besides rowing but i have to share my love sometimes. right?

and since im in the topic of career and goals. what is my ultimate goal in life, really? one thing for sure is that i want to be an Olympian. but thats not a career. not like Spartans. when King Leonadis asked them whats their profession, they go HOOHOO! which meant they are Spartans. Doesnt apply to being an Olympian tho. so, i was thinking about it and what i really want in life and not ashamed to tell the world about it because you shouldnt be ashamed of dreaming big, is to be able to set up my own gym with my own fitness classes and own like my own boathouse under my very own boat club, and have a fleet of trainers and coaches under me. my ultimate goal is to make sure people love sports and fitness and banish the fat people in the world! muahahahahaha.

to be continued...

Bumped.

Firstly it was Bali. And all the silly money issues that just kept crumbling on me.

Secondly, it was soccer. I had been looking forward to the 11th of December 2011 because that's the day I was gonna play soccer. The court has been booked. The people have been invited. What's left was just us to travel there and kick some balls. But no, smart Aisyah decided to kick the ball before stretching. Smart Aisyah decided to give it a good kick after days of not exercising and what more not stretching. Smart Aisyah stretched her right quad muscle and felt a sharp pain. Applause. And throughout the whole day, Smart Aisyah just sat there on the benches watching the people play soccer. Congratulations for straining your quad muscle! Now not only can I not kick the ball, I can't run. Woohoo!

Thirdly, it was the day rowing became a nightmare for me. I was pissed. The period. The afternoon water caused by the (God knows why the winds are like gusts) winds. The stupid training boats which you just have to shut up and get used to. The shoes which were 5 size bigger. The boat riggings which were Horrid. Basically, rowing became a chore. I HATED EVERY BIT OF IT. so God decided that on that awful day when Aisyah was at the peak of her pissed off mode, lets teach her a lesson. #01: when you're pissed at the boat or the water or even yourself, don't vent it out on your boyfriend.
I was so pissed I rowed so hard and I knew the technique was messed up but I was just telling myself, GET THIS OVER AND DONE WITH MY GOD. and then, I heard a boat coming towards me and next thing I knew I flew out of my boat! FLYING IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. I was thrown backwards and into the water. At first it was okay, I thought I was safe, then I felt the pain creeping insidiously and ever so excruciatingly up my legs. My ankle. My right ankle. I can't feel it. I screamed and bawled and cried and just wailed I swear I sounded like a 5 yr old but I didn't care it was (insert rude word here) painful. I hyperventilated. I couldn't think.
I was rowing on a singles and the boat which clashed into mine was a doubles. So obviously and obeying the rules of physics like how Nadzrie explained to me, the amount of force you exert will be the same in the opposite direction. So the two boys plus their boat being waaaaaay heavier than me and my boat caused me to fly instead of them. And how nice the boat came to a complete stop as it was stuck right in between my boat's riggers. Can u imagine the inertia? Whoa. I flew.
Okay so back to the part when I was in the water grabbing on to my boat for dear life. God, oh God, I really don't remember hear much. My attention was drawn to just holding on to the boat in case I can't keep afloat. I know the boys were still around because their boat was stuck to mine. I didn't know what I was holding on to. I was just in excrutiating pain :(
Then Nadzrie came in his singles and he shouted for Raihan. He told me to come towards him but I was afraid. I can't feel my legs and I didn't know how to get to him. I almost made him capsize when I pushed on his oar. Afraid, I just held on to my boat to keep myself afloat. Raihan came and I was still breathing loudly and sobbing. I told him I couldn't feel my right foot. He told me to get closer to the katamaran but I couldn't, I was afraid. I told him, let me breathe first. So I cooled myself down and slowly pulled myself closer towards the boat. He pulled me up and my unisuit almost tore when it got caught on the stupid dirty katamaran. We towed my singles back. Initially, I couldn't feel the pain on my ankle, slowly, I felt the pain growing. Mampoz.
My ankle was gone by the time we reached the pontoon. It was purple and swollen like a dead fish. The ang moh mum helped me onto the pontoon and thats when I took a first step with my right foot. The pain reminded me of my ACL tear. The way it just gave way. It was scary. Nadzrie then piggy backed me to the office where Uncle Gilbert came with 2 bags of ice, enough to freeze my whole body. How cute of him.
Things happened really fast. The accident, the rescue, the speed at which my ankle got even bigger. Makkau. Later that night, Nadzrie's kind brother wrapped it for me.
I went to see dr the next day and thank God, it wasn't anything serious. I strained 2 ligaments around my ankle, more towards e heel side of the ankle which was a rare case of strain because my foot was in an awkward position when I strained it. In the morning, my ankles look like elephants. But it felt much better. Today, I can walk-slowly.
I survived probably world's first boat to boat accident which caused an ankle strain and 6 bruises on my arms and hip.
How exciting.

Fourthly, I know my weight shouldn't be an issue because like I mentioned before the heavier I am, the stronger I will be on the erg, and water. But I just can't stand gaining weight. :(

Fiftly and lastly, I still haven't gotten a job but I have several offers and interviews to attend which scares the shit out of me because really,
I don't know what's good for me!

May my ankle heal ASAP so I can start running and rowing again, insyaallah.
Amin.

worst day ever.

everyone has that day they wish didnt happen. it could be the day their 7 years relationship with the person they thought they'd spent their life with broke apart. it could be the day their boss told them to leave the company and never come back. it could be the day theyre inches or miliseconds away from winning a million dollars.
i wish today didnt happen.
i wish i didnt had to come back from bali.
but it happened, and yes,
i did come back, safely.
bali was a getaway ive been longing for, something i thought i deserve to reward myself for the achievements i had for the sea games. but noone ever mentioned to me it isnt fun to go on a holiday when your pockets are dried. well maybe my boyfriend did but i wasnt paying much attention cuz i really wanted to go, to just get away from life for a little while. and in the end he gave in and was happy to send me off at the ariport. okay, happy wasnt the right word to use but he was just being happy for me. more like it. thank you, sayang.
bali came and went.
and there i was, at changi airport, saying hello once again to life.
mind you, i love my life.
i love my boyfriend, i love his family, i love his cats, i love my legs, i love the fact that i found rowing and it has played a huge part of my life. i love my family, or whatever is left of it. i love how peaceful our country is i dont go around telling the world i love singapore because honestly i dont want to bring my future children up here, but yes, i love my life.
but life isnt what it is without the drawbacks and the problems and its challenges.
when i came back, things started to look bad, one at a time.
-mum nagged at me saying things along the lines of "i think im old enough to do whatever i want". im old enough not to retaliate. so i just closed my eyes, and listened. and think about how painful rowing is as compared to sitting here listening to her.
-my unpaid hp bills which starhub is supposed to waiver off but theyre taking ages to settle. making me really, awfully, utterly disgusted at their inefficient service.
-mendaki is asking back for their money they lent it to me to pay for my uni. and while im at it, yes, thank you for your money, mendaki, but i still dont understand why im not eligible for the bursary and why that guy who lives in a condo gets full bursary. thus, i will remind myself that when i find a job i will strike my name off the list of contributors to the mendaki fund. not because im selfish but because they dont deserve it. theres no point arguing about it or making a big hoohaa about it because nothing will change unless the whole organization itself changes. but it wont happen anytime soon so i'll save the effort for something more worth the while. i'll contribute to other associations insyallah but not this one
-DBS is asking for its money back too. thank you DBS for helping me pay for my acer laptop which i am gladly still using since 2007.
-im still jobless. i've turned out all the part-time job offers because i am so ready to find a full-time job and im not going to change my decision about this. but job hunting is killing me. and if you think being a degree holder is any better, its not
-the prison officers ive been training the whole years just told me that they found someone to replace me for the rest of the sessions because im always skipping their lessons and that "always" was when i was in korea, jakarta and recently, bali. wow. great people i work with, huh.
-im nowhere near ready for the Olympic qualifications in April which i really want to go for, since i feel good after the races at the sea games. but looking at how the organization runs here, considering the fact that im not training everyday and now im looking for a full-time job which i know is top priority because im dead broke, 2012 looks bleak.
-you can fill the whole Indian Ocean in my bank because thats how empty it is.
-i cried for a whole hour about all these and then i stopped

stupid bitch, stop crying, if today didnt happen, you wouldn't stop and think about all these issues that has been bothering you since the year started. you know this day would come and life is here to shove at your face what you have left behind when you chose rowing over everything else. this is the path you chose so live with it. you have two choices, stay down there and brood for the rest of the night and then throughout your life too or do something about it.

things that piss the shit out of me.

1.
life is cruel. dont we all know that already. but life has been so unfair and utterly awful that i cant stand not doing anything about it. something needs to be done to set things right. so apparently from the "oh my! you dont win any money?" comments i received on facebook following the win of my two bronze medals, i have just recently found out that not many know about the miserness of our govt, or maybe perhaps, its just the ignorance of our citizens.

eitherway, its true: THERE IS NO PRIZE MONEY FOR BRONZE AND SILVER MEDALLISTS IN SEA GAMES.

i can double confirm that because with 3 bronze medals hanging on my bedroom wall from the SEA Games, i have yet to receive any cheque from the govt for my wins. what i did receive though, was a computer generated letter from the Olympic Council, congratulating me on my win. very sincere. i am honoured.
sometimes, when i think about it, i tell myself, "stop complaining, bitch. you got what you asked for. you wanted this path in life. so shut up and live on." but then again, why should i let myself be in a disadvantaged position when i put in the same effort, if not more, than the gold medallists in training, and in competition.
come on, tell me which other sport in singapore trains twice a day, 6 days a week, 4 hours each day, and dont get paid a single cent? and dont even let me start comparing to the atheltes from other countries, even third world countries like our dear friends from indonesia and vietnam and myanmar, for goodness sake, receives prize money for their bronze and silver medallists. why cant we? a bronze in swimming would probably be seen as less of a winner as compared to a gold medallist. a silver in water polo would be considered a disaster. but a bronze in rowing, is in fact, a feat. you cant compare rowing to bridge. you just cant. its unfairness in all levels, my God. and what makes them think that by not giving the bronze and silver medallists money, people will strive more for Gold. are these people who set these criteria even athletes?and i truly apologize for my ignorance if they were at some point of time athletes, but considering the fact that they show so much of their appreciation to the non-gold medallists with a piece of letter, it tells so much about them, doesnt it? as an athlete, im sure a thousand other people in the right set of mind would agree with me, we will always strive for the best, for Gold. i participate in non-prize money-medal games like the SEARF and Asian Champs and I will always be aiming for Gold. noone would be stupid enough to not strive for Gold just because there is still a prize money set on winning Silver or Bronze. and what makes you think those who didnt win Gold didnt put in as much effort as those who did. like i mentioned earlier, do you think the Bronze medallist in rowing hasnt been putting as much effort as the Gold medallist in Bridge? seriously?

YES I KNOW MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING. but when youre the athlete who wins the bronze and you see all these hoohaas about the gold medallists and the money they get and you know that you have definitle put in more effort than them considering the nature of the sport that you do and thats not all. later, you find out that your fellow counterparts from the neighbouring countries receives cash although they won the same colour medal as you. if you havent been in that position, then i dont think you will ever understand the pain that you have to bear. MONEY ISNT EVERYTHING. but if someone hands you RM6k, would you turn it down? thats the przie money for a Bronze medal in Malaysia, btw. i just dont understand why Singapore, being a first world country can afford to pay thousands to student athletes but havent gotten the heart to support professional athletes who spend their lives training to bring up the name of the country in their field of sport.

2.
sometimes the lesser you know, the better. sometimes living in delusion can save you from hurt and disappointment. and almost all the time, its better to just keep your mouth shut.

some people talk too much, a quintessential display of an empty vessel makes the most noise.

what i have learnt from these experiences i have gained from rowing so far: champions dont complain. theyre too busy focusing on making themselves better. so some people definitely need to apply this lesson in life, before they drown in their own sea of words.

and really, most of the time, talking about certain individuals in your life doesnt bring anyone or anything any benefit at all. its a waste of breath and precious time. so let these people say what they want to say. i cant be bothered anymore.

---

so yes the three of us (Nadzrie, Joanna and I) got terribly sick during our trip to Jakarta for the Games. it was awful, there was so much of purging and migranes and fever going on even the coach almost lost hope in us. it was the worst that could happen to any athlete competing in any major games. but the best we could do was to recover as fast as possible. and honestly, it was a strangely exciting experience. we couldnt have emerged better athletes if not for that downfall that we had to go through.

and for the record, getting sick is not a sign of irresponsibility, it was a challenge God threw at us to make us not take things for granted, and an opportunity to become stronger, not only physically but mentally. it was this obstacle that we had to pass to test our courage and determination and how much we wanted to race for each other. if one of us got sick and the other didnt, we wouldnt understand how miserable the other was feeling. if neither of us got sick, we wouldnt know how strong we were. things happen for a reason. irresponsibility was the last of all reasons.

3.
starhub oh starhub. why are you friggin irritating. firstly you didnt remind me to renew my plan and charged me for what was given to me free of charge since i ever subscribed to you. then you made me pay $600 upfront telling me that the remaining would be waivered off. and now 4 months down the road, nothing has changed and i still have to pay what i shouldnt be paying for. youre the bane of my life, i swear.

Fear.

It's scary how fast time flies. Today we're already leaving. Monday we're racing. And come Thursday, it'll all be over.
It's scary how life works in ways a human being find it hard to phantom sometimes. Today I walked out of home, said Hi to my neighbor who asked me where I was heading to, work? And I just nodded in convenience not wanting to stand any longer in front of him being clouded in smoke. Then I took the bus and then the train. And now I'm sitting in the train like the other commuters around me, minding their own business, each with their own thoughts inside their heads, each with their own problems and struggles to face in their daily lives. Exams, school, tight deadlines, horrible bosses, marriage, work. And then you thought to yourself, wow, I'm actually on my way to Nadzrie's house to get my bag and then his parents are sending us off to the airport. And unlike any other trips people make around the world, for business, for leisure, for sports, today I am flying to Jakarta for the SEA Games. I mean, for real. Right now I'm sitting here like any other normal human being but with a responsibility on my shoukders so heavy if I'm not strong enough I'll just crumble under the pressure of wanting to win. I am actually going to be in another country representing my nation and being out there to win. And what I do know is that no one in this train's going to take over that responsibility. No one knows how it feels to work so hard for this last stretch. Maybe one or two have had experience being an athlete and playing the game of their lives. But nothing could explain this experience I'm about to gain. I've been through 2 sea games. This is not like a practice paper where the more you do the better you get at it. It's one shot. No rehearsals.
I chose this path in life. I could have gotten it easy to just stay in my job. I could have chosen an easier sport. But who wantsrowing is what I did. Rowing is what I chose. I've made this choice. Live with it.
And while I'm living it, might as well I do my best in it :)

Aidiladha

It's aidiladha and I just finished training. Did a 12k on a singles. Went ok, not good, not bad, just okay. Not proud of myself, not disappointed either. I did the pieces and put my boat back on the rack.

I'm not planning to go home cuz I'm a terrible daughter and an irresponsible sister. I'm a disappointment in my family.

What point is there in appearing in the papers every month getting featured for my achievements and dreams and goals if I can't even carry out my duties as a daughter or a sister.my brother pointed that out to me last night when we had that chat.

More like him doing the talking and me looking away trying not to make eye contact with him. Oh I'm a rude child I admit. But why should I look into the eyes of a person who just slapped me across my face?

Even my dad has never layed his hands on me before and this is the second time my brother hit me. Am I such a terrible person, really?

I come from a dysfunctional family. I'm not afraid of admitting that. And yes I cringe at the word "family". We don't function like one. Well ok, dysfuctionality has its extremes. My brothers don't wear tapered pants have tattoos on their faces as a mark of rank and they definitely don't sleep around making women have babies when they were 13. Not dysfunctional to that extend. We come from a strong background and family history of love and trust but shit happens and everything crumbles one after another. Without a strong figure in the house definitely things will get out of hand. They did. But things didnt crumble too far. Those that left, started anew and now they're happy. Or that's what I assume. And then they're accepted again to this function called a family. I stayed on. Things went down, continue going down and down around me. I went down, I never left but I dont linger. I stayed, I tried. But I guess it wasn't enough.
And I was being called irresponsible and disrespectful and what have you. Its just not fair I don't even club or drink or even touch a ciggie. Im too busy training. Im too busy chasing after my dream. And to them, its a terrible thing to wake up working hard to achieve your dreams. To them, its worse than sleeping around or coming back late smelling of liquor.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have my flaws. Im irresponsible? yes. I dont do the household chores cuz Im not even around. But I try my best to make the people at home happy by skipping training and spending days cleaning the whole house on my own during the festive period. i know keeping the house clean is not a once off thing. but at least im trying. I treat my family to a big dinner because I want to see everyone together with whatever earnings I have. Even my brothers who earn 300x more than me dont treat us but I wont compare. They have their own shit too. But again they think I dont care. Im rude? considering the fact that I used to be screaming at my mum, now I think Im an angel as compared to myself when I was a teen. I've definitely changed.

So what is it that they dont understand?
I quit my job to row. and im happier. loads happier. its not like training is fun and exciting. in fact its crazy tiring and sometimes it just drains the life out of you. but its the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day after i completed a hard session that i live for. and that feeling when the boat glides through the water, and it all comes naturally. thats what i love.
i dont need the newspaper features ive been getting. honestly, its quite embarassing because i havent even been achieveing much. all i want to do is do well in rowing and make my parents proud. then my mum will finally stop saying that im wasting my time and all these brings me nothing. as much as it cuts me deep when she says these things, i can just keep my ears and mouth shut. remember, only you decide what can hurt u and what cant.

yes, seven years and she still doesnt like the fact that i row.
and yes she hasnt seen me race.
and she doesnt know how good i really am.

which i dont blame her still.
which mum would want to see her daughter grow up, graduate from uni and quit her job to do things that dont bring her any future?
i still love her with all my heart and wish that one day she'll finally finally finally be proud of me.

insyaallah.

I've been living in my own bubble. I try not to bother others. I live my life the way I want it to be. I do the things I love. Others talk but if i dont mind it dont matter. They can say what they want but its up to you to choose whether to be affected by it or not. I choose to stay free from all this cheap talk. I'm old enough to decide what I want in life. Everything has been going well. On the outside. I do my own stuff. I come back home once in a while. I try to make the family happy but apparently I'm not doing a good job. I want to try harder but there's other crazy things on my mind right now like how close the sea games is and all that shit. I can be volatile when u provoke the little bubble that I live in. You can say all you want. You can choose to be hurt by what people think of you, or me. But why why why do you have to come and bother the life that I've been perfectly fine with?
Thats what I can't take.

Thats why I finally decide to leave.
So u remember my story about my brother slapping me and giving me that talk before I got distracted with my own sad lifestory?
I left. I dont know if its considered running away because I still love my room and most of my things are still in the house. But I packed yesterday with tears flowing down my cheeks incessantly. Thus the swollen eyes this morning. Packed an emergency runaway bag filled-which doesnt have much to fill with- because most of my stuff are somewhere else already. I didnt want to leave but I cant stand living in a house where they bring me down for doing what I do best and what I love. I cant stand those who talk about others behind their backs but be on their side in front of their faces. I cant stand hypocrites. I can take the blame of being irresponsible and rude and disrespectful because I know I was, still am but not to a very large extent and Im trying my best to change. But with the kind of support system I have at home, especially after I got slapped hard by the person who was never around, and everyone stood and watch and I had to stand up on my own two feet to defend myself, I cant stay around any longer.
They talk about loving me and caring for me. And being proud of me. But all I want to do is for them to just understand the amount of sacrifice and commitment that I have to give for me to chase after this dream. But they cant.
Dont even start on the money issue, masyaAllah.

Im sorry that I had to pack and leave.
I cant let these issues affect my training.
Especially not when theres less than a week left ot the Games.

Im not mad at them for saying those things to me or reacting that way.
Im just sad that I dont see a family in mine anymore.
And it pains me to see how my boyfriend and his family functions.
Thats a family.
They do fight, but theres an extent to where the fight goes.
I just have to accept the fact that mine's not like that.
And will never be. None of us is willing to change, especially not when we're all already considered adults.
I dont consider myself unfortunate. I am grateful to have such a family. At least I have one. And I have a roof over my head, be it at my house or my dad's.


Maybe its one of life's lesson so that we will not repeat this in our future, when we have to build our own family.

Here's my attempt to write well.

Hi!
I have new updates in my life right now that I wish to share with the world.
I've proposed a new rule to myself which is to use good command of English language when I write. I'll tell you why I suddenly thought of weird things for myself. I realized I used to write very well, both in English and yes, surprisingly in Malay, too. "Well", in this case means exceptionally outstanding kind of thing. Those of higher Malay and Band 1 English standard. Unfortunately, I don't use Malay alot, even in my daily speeches to my friends and family. But i do have lots of Malay people around me all the time, number one on my list who's always next to me, my boyfriend. And sometimes even his command of Malay is eons better than mine and my standard of Malay is supposed to be way higher than his considering the fact that I was a Higher Malay student since I was in primary school. And that I scored A1 for that subject for my Os. So yes, I haven't been using Malay much i admit, and due to this ignorance that I'm truly guilty of, the standard of my Malay language has dropped exponentially, so bad, it takes me hours to read the Malay papers and the papers aren't that thick, really. So before I lose my grasp of the English language and crumble in the depths of Singlish, i'm making the effort to not lose touch here.
But honestly, it's not easy writing a blog entry writing in proper English. It makes me feel very lame.
So I have came out with an idea, because sometimes rowers do get bored. An idea that would not only change the path of my life but also to the people around me and the universe beyond our world. That's ridiculous. I'm kidding. It's just a small idea to start writing in another blog or page or tumblr or what have you. To write down proper stuff that people actually read and have interest in. Unlike my blog which I doubt anyone would be interested to read about. Because I realize, you'll never know when you might need to show your future bosses that you have a gift in writing and that you can express your ideas in ways others can't (well, that's if I actually have that gift -lah). Ideas come and go like advice your parents give- you listen to all, but heed only some. Likewise, not all ideas will materialize so I don't know if this idea of mine would actually happen but let's just hope it will. Meanwhile, I just thought I'd like to share the idea with you because usually if I write down my ideas in my iPad which only me and myself could see, no good thing will come out of it. I can conveniently erase that idea I once had and pretended that idea never popped in my head. So now that I have announced my great idea to better improve myself, I know I would not have an easy way out not to do it.
I think. Heh.