the CNY holidays.

they say if you truly really love someone, then the only thing you want for them is to be happy, even if its not with you.

---

CNY holidays are coming to end. LOUSY. time flies so fast when youre having fun, doing fun things, like training. HAHAHAHA. omg i sound pathetic but that was what ive been doing for the past few days. train, train, train, but training doesnt feel like a chore anymore. which is a good thing, i think. ;)

other than training, i cleaned my room. SO RAJIN OMG. Nadz was supposed to help but he came only after i was almost done. perangai right. hahaha! after that we went for daddy's bbq and played the dance thingy on kinect which was so hilariously fun! SO TEMPTED TO BUY. but i needa save for a lappie or camera or holiday or umm, ugh. MONEY. that reminds me yet again, still havent submitted my resignation letter (or even hinting to my HODs that im gonna quit) I KNOW RIGHT IM SO GONNA DIE.

yah, so trainings have been going pretty well, ive been running religiously like a mad dog, Nadz calculated that i ran 24km in total in january. oh wait, or was it 40km or 50km? oh shit. i forgot, shall ask him tmr. im starting to enjoy running again like how i used to be able to run 10km everyday FOR FUN. but not that crazy, YET. training on water has been okay, we've been getting materials from the trusted FISA website. no point brooding over the fact that we, national athletes, are coach-less. so we're working on things we can actually make a difference to. so there you go. own training programme, encouraging each other on. whats not there to like about trng, i ask you? <3

BUT BUT BUT, today. omg today has to like spoil the chain of awesome rowing days. today, i went on water feeling like crap, i rowed like crap, wait, i dont even know if whatever i did on water was called rowing but IT WAS CRAPPISH. it was so bad i cried i know loser sia. ok done. tomorrow will be a better day, promise.

3 things which were not supposed to be on my mind were all i thought about while i was rowing:

1. lactic acid on the legs (noone said lactic training was fun)

2. the tingling sensation on my back (i cant decide if it hurts or it tingles)

3. the knee (like whats new)

BODOH KAN.
ok moving on.

yah, its like 1:25am and im still pretty much wide awake i dont know why. and if he finds out im still awake he's gonna be mad. lets just hope i can wake up at 5 tmr for trng. crosses fingers.

okay wait back to my Saturday. it was so eventful i have to spill it right here right now before i forget.

other than stupid trng, (ugh so angry with myself) i went to play touch at nyjc after much persuasion from yatay, as part of trng for our games next week. i decided not to get involved so much cuz sport shoes and stupid long grasses and uneven ground on the field dont go well together. so when i did a partial split once attempting to run, i decided to go slow. and some insensitive bugger who ive never met before (and apparently gonna be my teammate for the games) decided to carik pasal by asking me whether i was serious about playing for the games. its not like i want to be mean, but hey, you dont deserve my kindness. naa-aah. you know what, go find your perfect player for your team. oh wait, your team apparently comes under my name. oh no. looks like youre gonna have to find your own team. boo you!

met the girls at some really dodgy karaoke place at cuppage. and ive concluded that we should just stick to playing sports, really. we dont sing, we melalak. like screech. like that. HAHAHAHA. but it was fun. with all our memek faces and awesome voices. woohoo.

so when i got home, i was alone till like midnight and i stayed up for my parents to come back home from KL. part of the reason was because i was scared thus the lights in my house were switched on as though it was raya. and for the first time in many months, i was actually sitting on the living room couch, watching TV! SO MANY CHANNELS AND PROGRAMMES TO WATCH I SAT THERE FOR A GOOD 4 HOURS I SWEAR and omg i feel so domesticated today i washed the clothes, hanged the clothes, folded the clothes. (so hardworking i dont know why) and the first thing my mum did when she got home was to nag cuz i didnt sweep the floor.

yeah.

told her i have a class agama tmr with yatay at changi and instead of being happy about it, she scolded me that it was too far.

sometimes, i dont know what to say, really.

so you know, i plugged in my headphones and listened to our karaoke adventures (more like listening to 8 crazy girls attempting to sing their lungs out).

oh well.

and and and, this might sound as though ive been spending way too much time with sec school kids but I LOVE HIM OMG. okay bye.

sick of being sick.

monday: coughs, flu, and a bad sore throat. went to the doctor, told him i need to work so he gave me meds which didnt cause drowsiness. $50 for some paracetamol, something for the flu, lozenges and cough syrup.
tuesday: went to school for my kids bcuz i wanted to prep them for their upcoming test, but instead they gave me hell. i was coughing incessantly, others would have thought i could just drop and die, spreading germs everywhere i go. my sore throat worsened it hurts to talk and as a teacher you dont talk, you shout. got so mad at my classes for making me shout at them i made them run extra rounds, and this boy from my geog class was still able to ask me to speak louder. rude. he received a good scolding from me for being rude and insensitive. felt feverish the whole day, so i decided to visit another doctor. found out that i had fever 38.3 degrees, and a throat infection, thus my voice sounded like a man which Nadz happily made fun of throughout the whole day. paid $60, discounted $10 for being a public servant, received another 5 types of meds, received MC for 2 days and the first thing i thought about was the test my kids were supposed to sit for on thursday.
wednesday: stayed at home, rested, fever went down but my throat was still sore and there were infinite phlegms in my nose and throat. ran some errands in the day, sick and all, because im just that stubborn. period.
thursday: found out that i was supposed to inform my HODs if im not in school but i didnt because i conveniently assumed that they know i wasnt around.

biggest mistake in any situation: making assumptions.

didnt manage to inform the school in the morning before 650am because at 650am i was still fast asleep because i drowned myself with 8 different kinds of pills and cough syrups the night before, thus the woozy feeling up in my head right now. didnt set work for my classes either because honestly i didnt know what my PE classes could do when im not around. sitting here on my bed, feeling like shit, regretting the fact that i should be in school being there for my kids sitting for the test, and then i wonder what difference does it make to them whether im there or not. and then it made me realise that i actually care for them and it makes me feel good for a moment that i am a good teacher. and the next moment, feel bad because im not in school, for them. which is stupid because i do have a reason for not being in school, im on MC, i was really sick, its not like i like being sick or i get MC for the sake of skipping school because right now theres no reason for me to fake MC and being sick means i cant train and everyone knows how itchy my butt will get when i dont exercise and ive been retraining myself from doing any physical activity because i really wanna get well asap. i ran a total of 24km last week and NONE this week and i feel so shitty i swear i could go cold turkey from not exercising i'd just die.

so why am i feeling the guilt for not being in school?

bodoh siolz.

job opportunities still waiting for me to pounce on them.

im 22 and wrecked.

i know i enjoy my job but i just dont see myself doing it for the longest time.

or is it just me telling myself that, over and over again?

luvvit.

"roses are red,

violets are blue.

he's for me,

and not for you.

and if by chance,

you take my place.

i'll take my fist,

and smash your face."

ta-ta-ta-talking bout blah, blah, blah

nadzrie hyckell, if youre reading this, this is for you for "blah, blah, blahing" at my previous entry (which made me not want to display it publically bcuz after i re-read it again, i realised it was full of whining about the same old shit and recently i wonder if im REALLY THAT BORING! like recently, i was filling up some surveys about myself for yatay and like most of my answers were either about rowing, rowing or erm, rowing. omg save me.)

but then again, rowers are boring people. and so are teachers. and im both. woohoo! what a perfect KOMBO! (with a K)

shiats. just promise me you wont leave me cuz im boring, will you?

week 3 of school's gonna end and im still not resigning yet. i dont have a plan yet. NO GOOD.

the rowing asstn is at war currently. rowers VS clubs. ugh, one of the main reasons why it sucks to be an athlete here. the politics, my god. basically, all i can say is that. we're national athletes without any coach and its the SEA Games year. woohoo! yeah, let the world know aisyah, it will put u in a very good position to be kicked out of the asstn! booyah. but maybe, i wont be kicked out, instead get a pat on my back for being so full of integrity. right.

school has been pretty hectic, as usual, with the upper hand people assuming that we, the lower end teachers have all the time in the world for everything! one teacher who just started working as a full-time teacher after NIE said something really inspiring: "if i had known teaching was like this, i wouldnt have taken up the job." well said. inspiring to dodol heads like me who cant make simple decisions in life.

today i was talking to a particular student who got home suspension on the third week of school because of many days of truancy. and i asked her if she had any dreams or wishes of what she wants to be when she grows up and she insisted that she doesnt. i wish i could help these kids see that they still have a chance of changing their future. i wish i knew how to. :(

see nadz. no more whining!

and recently, i went to sungei buloh with the geog kids and we were walking tru the mangrove forest and i was enlightened. yes, by mangroves.

similar to how mangroves adapt to the changes in their environment in order to survive, i discovered that as much as we dont like changes, they are indeed inevitable, so its best if we just accept them and friggin move on.

HOW GEOG IS THAT OMG IT SCARED ME HOW PHILOSOPHICAL I CAN GET THINKING ABOUT MAGNROVES. but think about it, aisyah, you wreck. people change, things change whether you like it or not. so pretty well suck it up or continue sulking about it and die.

and nadz, for the record, as angsty as you are 99.9% of the time, as much as u hate surprises even if its from me, even though u talk abt yog and felix more than how much u talk abt how awesome i am on water, despite friends critisizing us because we're different, (i love being different btw), you're awesome and i love you.

best.

and i wrote big big on my bedroon wall:

WAKE UP EVERYDAY DETERMINED TO BE AMAZING.

insyaallah.

lets make things happen bebeh.

FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL.

one word: overwhelming.

do they even realise that im an untrained teacher?
and they're giving me classes to teach on my own.
and wait for this,
omg. they're letting me set test papers and exam papers for the level.
LIKE WHAAAAAAAT. i know.
its either
a) they trust me too much,
b) they're making full use of me, or
c) they cant resist my awesomeness.

orientation with my sec 1 form class went really good, so good that my class won 2 prizes out of like 5 prizes! woohoo! the sec1s are so hyper omg i dont know what their mums fed them for breakfst!!! i know i made a BAD, BAD move by being too nice to them but really. i cant stand myself being fierce. its tiring. lets just hope they dont step on my head too much. they better watch out.

taught my first ever geog lessons with powerpt slides, its like giving a presentation but not graded in anyway and 'cept that the audience were copying notes. hahaha!

and yes, when they say that a teacher's life is like friggin busy, they're really not kidding about it. no way.

settling admin issues, pampered students with 23954012482 excuses why they didnt bring this and that, settling admin issues, paperwork, meetings, lesson plans, SOWs, dealing with kids who just wont sit still, admin issues, and wait, i havent even started on work itself. preparing notes, powerpt slides, assignments, OMG AND I AM GIVEN A TASK TO SET TEST AND EXAM PAPERS. i know right. may God bless me.

downside of all things, i hardly get to train omg and theres a competition in March, we hardly even start on hard trainings, SEA Games is drawing nearer and all they care about is clubs and money? seriously.

and im still fat. BOO.

okay dah. i have a million stuff to do. on one hand im kinda excited, but on the other, im afraid it'll be a temporary feeling and if not sure if i want to feel like this for the next 5 years or so. baah. and theres like a gazillion job opportunities sprouting like taugehs. GAAAH.

im not gonna say fml cuz i love my life and i appreciate every moment of it. :)

and yoohoo an yindian girl started talking to me at causeway pt while i was shopping for school stuff alone. she was like, "wow, u look so fit!" "so are u aiming for the olympics? (referring to my necklace)" "nice to know you! (she said it thrice, shook my hands thrice!)" i know right. FREAKY.
HAHAHAHAHA.

okay lets get started on work! WOOHOO.

hello 2011.

so ive decided to selit (selit was the word for the day on 31st dec 2010) this period of time right now, for some ME time. im giving myself about 20mins or so, put my iphone on silent, close all other windows and tabs on my lappy, shut the room door, stop the music playing from my itunes and sit on the edge of my bed (because 90% of my bed is occupied, you'll find out later on), fingers on the keyboard, ready to type away.

here goes.

2011 New Year Resolution.
what is it. how do i intend to acheive it. and how badly i want it.

1. i will be less fickle minded.
im not promising myself to not be fickle minded at all because i know its impossible. so bit by bit lamer lamer jadi bukit. i will make decisions fast and not annoy people with my indecisiveness. unless its syahir, i will be fickle minded just to annoy the shit out of him. thats what little brothers are for. if being asked "berms or shorts" i will answer either berms or shorts and not give a choice which is not provided like jeans or tights, worse still, ask a question back like "what colour is the berms? the shorts?". on a serious note, if being put in a situation to choose between "money or passion" or "teach or coach" or "quit or stay", i dont know how im gonna do it but like they always say, "follow what your heart says". i know its bullshit when u follow what your heart says because your heart cant speak, it only pumps blood and unless you have a stethoscope you cant really listen to it. in secondary school biology, we learnt that the heart makes a "lub dub" sound. if "lub dub" sounds like "yes, aisyah, you should quit" then quit, but if "lub dub" sounds more like "dont quit, dumbass" then do what your heart says. right? in fact, to make things clear, "following yr heart" is another way of saying, "im sorry i cant help you there just decide for yourself okay? youre all alone now. if you make the wrong choice you only have yourself to blame. HAH."
when decisions are made, i will not look back and regret. fight for what you stand for, even if it means fighting for it alone. awesome.

2. i will procrastinate lesser.
i will get things done asap so workload wont pile up like mt everest at the end of the day. i am going to acheive this by limiting myself to 15mins of fb a day, 30mins max if needed. when doing work, i will not distract myself with other things like planning for my next holiday or researching on where to eat later for dinner. all these can be done after work is completed. if work is not completed then too bad, suck thumb and cry. i will not let work pile up because it can be a bitch when deadlines are near. and i will not let work pile up because im a teacher and im supposed to set a good example. macam paham, i like.

3. i will be awesome at my job.
whichever job i decide on once i've succeeded in fulfilling my first resolution in making decisions, i will be awesome in it. i will like my job. i will love my job. i will not want to exchange it with anything else. insyaAllah.

4. i will train hard.
because i want to be in the SEA GAMES so badly i can die. i want to bring home another medal for singapore. i want to hear the Majulah Singapura play when the national flag is being risen. that means the medal has to be of a certain colour. i will train so hard i'll be so hard to beat. insyaAllah.

5. i will learn to love and trust.
i dont know how i'll do it, but im hoping i will be able to find out how to soon and im praying so hard that when i do, i wont get hurt again. (dengar tu)

6. i will spend less and save more.
i will not buy things i dont need like Havainas slippers. i will save because i want to fulfill my dreams of travelling the world before i get married. i will save up for an awesome trip to Europe or the States after i acheive resolution #04. i will save because i want to bring my mum to places she'll love to go to, like Masjid India, to buy tudung. im kidding. i'll bring her to Spain because when I was little, we almost went to Spain but we were short of cash.

7. i will make a difference.
i am a donor for the singapore heart society but ive never actually believed in helping others by providing money because you dont really know where the money goes to. i will find other means to help the less fortunate, insyaAllah. with that i will stop giving the excuse of "TOO BUSY" to make things happen. bullshit, we're never too busy, only lousy time management. (wah, in your face, aisyah. too much self help books, i see. good! splurging $90 on books at Prologue wasnt a bad idea after all!)

bual sorang siak.

8. i will friggin clean up my room.
because it looks like this now:

its not like im proud of it but really. my bed is just a oh so tempting place to put things on eventually it becomes a storage area! and plus the gazillions of bantals i have on my bed which i dont even use when i sleep omg God save me and my bed!

(did my saham just fell by 60% by posting that photo? hahahaha!) at least im honest! thus resolution #09 is...

9. i will be honest.

no more lying to my clients about not being able to make it for training just cuz im friggin lazy, unless of cuz im really shagged and i deserve a break. but laziness doesnt apply. no more lying to my mum about where i go and who i go out with because i have REALLY BAD MEMORY and lying requires you to remember stuff you lie about. and lying is childish anyway. honesty is the best policy, yo. lesser dosa also. i want to go to Heaven.

10. i will be closer to God.

like what i wrote in FB, because with Him, i know that whatever obstacles i face, no matter how hard, will be possible. insyaAllah. :)

Amin.

10 reasons why I should quit.

10. I hate the thought of waking up early to go to school instead of training.
9. I heard the school bell and cringe.
8. I stepped into the empty staff room, loving it empty.
7. I pulled out my lappy, plugged in my headphones and minded my own business, although i hear other teachers walk in and out. im a loner, i like it that way.
6. I attempted to finish up my slides but ended up searching about other non-work-related things like Rowing and Holidays and OTHER JOB OPPORTUNITIES. and this is not the first time.
5. I emailed my HOD to ask her to sign my leave for my trip to KL next week and she replied telling me that theres a staff meeting next week and I might not be able to go for the trip.

i know. i feel like crying.

4. I want to go to the Coaches Conference in UK next Jan, I want to go for the training camp in Australia in March, and I dont want to go tru the hassle of having to apply for leaves again. ever again.
3. I cant stand being rejected.
2. I know im better off as a coach, a personal trainer and as a rower. I KNOW.
1. I cant seem to tell myself to do these work. i just hate it. cant you tell?

The only thing that keeps me going is the pay. Maybe its not always about the money.
Should I take the risk of quitting?
Will I look back and regret?
Or will I be more awesome leaving?

OHMYGOD.
the decision of the year, i swear. :'(

to quit or not to quit;

you know what just got me thinking.
other than the fact that after i say this im gonna go berserk cuz my workload is 0.03% complete,
i got reminded of those days back during the sea games year when i almost gave up.
when i almost hanged my oars and did what other people do which is to live, as opposed to train every single friggin day.
but i hanged on to it no matter how much i hated it.
hated every single bit of it.
and because of that, i grew stronger,
more stubborn,
more oarsome,
and because of that,
i brought home a medal.
yes, that got me thinking.
WHY QUIT TEACHING NOW.
who knows i might be good at it.
i hate it now.
every single bit of it.
from lesson plans, to applying for leaves when i need to travel overseas,
to power point slides and reading textbooks i have sworn to myself never to touch again.
but maybe next year, i might look back and tell myself,
"THANK GOD I DIDNT QUIT."
or it could turn out the total opposite,
"SHIT I SHOULD HAVE QUIT!"
damn.
i didnt think of that.
okay back to square one.
good attempt at convincing yourself, aisyah.
10 points for that.

life has been so mundane that im starting to LIST things according to order of importance. okay bedek. more like what comes into my head first.

10 things. (tak habes habes dgn 10 things dier.) i realised its easier to list down things now. since ive become a teacher, lists are the new way of life. time to get organized baby. macam paham. my life's still a mess. OHMYGOD. bad role model, moe should just sack me.

10. you heard that right. MOE should just tell me,

"excuse me, ms aisyah, i think you're better of as a coach or rower or a trainer or any other occupation but not as a teacher. please leave."

will definitely make my life so much easier, i swear!

so i dont have to wreck my brain cells to decide whether i want to continue to teach or not. ugh. but NO, they gave me a hefty pay to bribe me to stay and my God. (Alhamdulillah, for that matter) the pay is SO DAMN GOOD. lol. and people around me are telling me to stay like one of my clients when she told me the other day that i should think about teaching cuz im pretty good at motivating people. but WHY DO I NOT LIKE IT I DONT EVEN KNOW. maybe i do know but im refusing to believe that they are the reasons why i dont like it cuz they are ridiculous, petty reasons.

like, the other teachers dont talk to me.

or, i hate kids. LOL.

i know right, do u feel like strangling me sometimes?

i HATE making decisions, for the love of God. WHY AM I SO FICKLE.

9. THOUGHTS OF QUITTING STILL HAUNTS ME.
ugh. since september you know. omg. im thinking of sean kingston. "She's indecisive, she cant decide." MEMANG.
if they had an award for being most indecisive person ever, i should soooo win it.
not that im proud of it or anything but REALLY. sometimes i wish i could just turn into a guy when it comes to making decisions. like how nadz went into NUM, picked up a pair of slippers and went on to pay for them without thinking whether there could be other designs which could be nicer than the pair he was holding on to in other shops, or other things in that shop that might interest him. NO. it was fast and furious. take and go. just take and go. (read: russell peters).

but then again, maybe not. thats what makes girls different. THE FACT THAT WE CANT DECIDE. love us or leave us. betul tak? chen de mah? chen de.
back to the work topic. YES OMG. i have this love/hate relationship with my job. i wish i could just quit, migrate and die alone in an island or something. ee, burok.

i should do the "which guy should i choose" method of making decisions we all used to do back in secondary school. list down the plus and minus points of teaching. and compare. but what if minus points outweigh the plus points and i end up quitting and regretting and moe will blacklist me and will never allow me to teach again when my plan B fails and i plan to go back to teaching. zomg. scary. a little help? hopeless siolz.


8. unnecessary stress, seriously.

and im supposed to prepare like 14 chapters of geog slides (woohoo!) and im at chapter 2. I KNOW RIGHT I AM SO DEAD. boo. i mean, the thought of reading the textbook makes me wanna sleep and you want me to preach these kids to love the subject? give me PE anytime and i'll make sure by the end of the yr, these kids will love running. but NO. geog > PE. UGH. people ask me why goeg. YOU DONT WANNA KNOW SEH. (actually, u might wanna know. its a funny story.

1. i took geog in A Levels, loved it, got a B for it.

2. took a geog module in uni, dint attend a single lecture, got an A for it.

3. i love clouds and rocks.)

these are the reasons why i wanted to teach geog. which obviously doesnt mean i like teaching geog, there must be a flaw in the interview sytem and recruitment criteria in moe.

BAAH.

7. BAAH reminds me of ebenezer scrooge from christmas carol and christmas is around the corner. I KNOW RIGHT. like END OF THE YEAR, ya'll. SO FAST AND FURIOUS LIKE TOKYO DRIFT!

"i wonder if we know how to live in tokyo if you see it and you mean it then you know you have to go. fast and furiousssssss tick tick tick!" (sings in an annoying high pitch voice).

and again, ive digressed and lost my train of thoughts. (and i just downloaded the tokyo drift ringtone into my iphone)

6. I AM AN IPHONE USER, ya'll. i have finally succummed to Apple's evil plan to take over the world but the iphone is so handy i dont know how i lived without it before i got it! okay bedek. too much, aisyah. its alright lah i guess. my free 12G never seemed to finish until i was so worried it was a once off offer i called starhub to ask whether its 12G every month of truout my 2 years contract with them. LOL. stupido.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT TRU TO GET MY HANDS ON THIS GADGET. 2 hours of queuing up, getting into a small squabble with a random stranger-cum-loserface, losingmy virginity of shouting at a stranger in public. MY GOD. the drama.

and i think i spent like close to $10 on apps i hardly use. (latest app bought: spongebob diner dash.) MAMPOS.

im gonna try to make MOE pay for my iphone. i mean, im gonna use google maps, GPS, and share with my kids. educational, no?

5. OH HAVE YOU TRIED THE NEW CHEESE AND CARAMEL POPCORN AT CITY LINK MALL? omg. SEDAPNAKMAMPOS pls. go try it.

nadz visited my blog on my iphone while we were queueing up for popcorn yesterday and it made me wonder whether people actually do read what shit i have to offer for the world on this blog although 99% of the time its nonsense and doesnt bring any form of benefit at all to any individual, i swear. i mean, who in the right mind would want to read about this 22 year old female being who probably has one of the most unexciting lives in the universe, right? :(

4. AM I THAT BORING? :(
to think about it, in the 22 years of my life, ive been tru so much, my goodness! grew up without a dad around, well he's around but i dont stay with him, and i actually didnt grow up to be rebellious, smoking, partying the night away, piercing my nose like a lembu, and deserve to be depicted in Anak Metropolitan V5.0 or something. hooray to my good choices of friends i actually turned out to be a pretty innocent person, yeah? been tru the best times in life like representing the nation, bringing home a medal, falling in love. in the other hand, went tru the worstttt times in life too like feeling like dying when i fell out of love, got cheated, cheated on others and felt like i deserve to just eat worms and die, grew fat, stopped rowing for a friggin yr, tore my ACL (OMG THIS TOPS THE LIST OF WORST THING TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE). you see, my life's not that boring, it seems. YAY TO AISYAH.

that reminds me. let me recall.

having been mistaken as a sri lankan twice, burmese twice, "not from around here" many times, from saudi arabia once (i know right). never what my blood's made of: malay and chinese. my life (and face, for that matter) is pretty interesting, it seems. :)

3. TALKING ABOUT MY KNEE, OMG.
if choosing the wrong sport was a sin, tearing an ACL would be the ultimate punishment that God would never forgive and it would be irreversible. OMG. 26the dec 2008. almost 2 years have passed since that very day rasheilla kicked my knee and i screamed like the world's gonna collapse on me. 27th feb 2009. a yr and a half since i said hello to my new ligament which hasnt been behaving like how its supposed to. its affecting my trainings, i cant run anymore, it hurts to play soccer. basically, im doomed, my dreams are crushed. WAH SO PEESIMISTIC. boo!
it just wont friggin recuperate. and the most annoying thing is that noone knows why. :(

2. okay look on the bright side. ummm.
lemme think of something nice to say to myself.
at least i still have 2 awesome looking imbalance legs where the right calf is smaller than the left! woohoo. all i want for chirstmas, is for my knee to get muchos better. can? :(

christmas reminds me of Love Actually, you know that scene when mark expressed his love to juliet. OMG MOST ROMANTIC SCENE EVER PLEASE I'LL JUST MELT AND DIE. dah, cukup.



1. talking about love.

when it comes to love, age is just a number. lets go prove people wrong baby. and like they say,

"sometimes you gotta quit thinking so much. if it feels right, it probably is.

so just go with it."

10 things.

1. Down with migraine and lousy cramps. Googled them and got : Menstrual Migraine.
PMS. check.
nausea. check.
bloatedness. check.
late onset of period. check.
feeling like a total shit. check.
vomitting my breakfast, lunch and dinner last night. check.
letting the world know that im having menstrual migraine. check.

2. waking up at 11.30am feeling grogggggyyyyyyyy. sucks.
i hate wasting my mornings.

3. having 1,000,000 things to do but spent the last 3 hours lying on bed telling myself that im sick and its okay not to be doing work and i will do it tomorrow or the next day when i feel better, knowing that the next few days i will be so packed with activities i know i wont have time to do but im just lying to myself that i will get work done then.
in other word: to PROCRASTINATE.

4. wondering whether the guy you love loves you back the same way u love them. feeling feeling 18 again. (must be the stupid PMS. ugh.)

5. having this immense need to WHINE MY HEART, LUNGS, THROAT, GUTS OUT to someone.

6. replying text messages with ":(" just cuz you dont know what to say and you just feel that way :(

7. :(

8. cant even think of 10 things to spill. the migraine virus must have eaten up 3,486,293 of my brain cells.

9. i want to train but i shall stop being stubborn once in a while and REST. or should i train? no. rest. but i need to sweat it out. NO REST. TRAIN. REST.
UGH. i hate being sick :(

10. telling myself that i should just stop feeling sad and be awesome instead.
the lies you try to tell yourself.

Dad.

sometimes, i envy those people who come home to their dad's arms. i dont get such privilege since i was 5. my dad's still here, but he has another family to take care of. He was hardly there for me when it comes to the unforgettable moments in my life. he wasnt there to send me off to my first ever Sea Games, neither was he there on my second games, he wasnt there for me when i first got my heart broken, he didnt see how much i suffered after my knee surgery, he didnt celebrate my 21st birthday with me, and recently, he didn't attend my graduation ceremony. i know he would if he could.
but I'm always, always, always thankful everytime i get to see my dad, hold his hand, hug him, and reply to his "I miss you" and "I love you" SMSes because I know he'll always be in my heart and i'm always in his.

sometimes, u just know.



i love you, dad.

10 ways.

how to tell if you're having a good day:

1. you rowed 16km on water and not feeling as though you're gonna die.

• water need not be super flat. wavey waters are fine. add to the challenge. ups your balance.
• presence of winds are perfectly okay. windless days are mood killers.

2. stepped on the weighing scale and smiling to yourself, knowing that hard work has finally showed some results.

3a. having absolutely no work for the rest of the day.
3b.which translates to being able to finally change your blog skin which hasnt been done so for the longest time.
3c. which also translates to being able to take long afternoon naps stretching up to 3-5hrs.

4. being able to set the alarm clock and press the snooze button at any number of times, without worrying about being late for anything.

5. waking up looking forward to a cool, refreshing shower.

6. waking up to whats cooking in the kitchen. (provided mum's at home and she's not cooking fish/sotong/prawns/gross seafood)

7. walking to the grocery store to buy cartons (note: cartonssssssss!!) of drinks.
because you are damn thirsty, you wished your lips had leftover juice from yesterday you constantly lick them.

8. having the mood to bake, which comes only once in a bluemoon.
(downturn: but having no moolahs to buy the ingredients. and having no maid to wash the utensils for you)

9. breaking fast with the family.

and 10. saw the face of the one you love. :)

amin.

14km.

my WEDNESDAY went like this:
7am-9ish am: rowed 14km with shaun
11am-4pm: reached home and slept like a pig for 5 hrs
6pm-9pm: met up with dilz, yatay and sha for buka @ 18chefs
10pm-now: home

no work day = SLEEPING day = awesome :)
i dont usually take afternoon naps but today's nap should be banned from being called a nap.

nap;

verb (used without object)
1. to sleep for a short time; doze.

5 hours is definitely not a short time. but nap or nappy or not, SLEEP IS GOOD.
but NOT with contacts on. NO.
i know. when i plonked myself on bed i was like, "ok 5mins and i'll go take out my contacts and wash my face." 5 mins became 5 hours.
i woke up with a red eye and 2 pimples. woohoo.
im amazed at my ability to sleep anywhere everywhere anytime all-the-time.
i can sleep for 12 hours, like how i did after YOG was over. and still slept well at night.
i used to sleep here, there, everywhere so much so that my ex-coach gave me a name: sheba. i dont know what it means but i would have guessed it means lazy-ass-rower-who-won-a-bronze-medal in bitchy-coach language. probably.

today's row was OARsome. (i love that word: OARsome)
i felt as though i was on REDBULL or smtg but i havent touched any caffeineted drinks since eons ago (i know caffeineted is spelt wrongly but i dont bother checking it up, really) OMG IM GONNA BECOME A TEACHER, but PE teachers dont need to know how to spell, do they?

YES. ROW. yes, 16km. weather was superb. although the last few laps the waves were oddly CRAZY. like really. but i love love love it. it felt so good. i dont know what motivated me to row so good that morning, but it just felt OARSOME. woohoo. fave word.

i know i was supposed to row 18km (coach says it'll be my new fave number). but the other rowers were already leaving the water, i dont wanna get left behind. im worried the loch ness monster under the murky waters of pandan reservoir might eat me up. u never know. pandan has the WEIRDESTTTT creatures in the world.

oh talking about creatures,
there was a spider on my boat today, which i only realised when i was on water. the spider went for a joy ride with me. woohoo.

and while i was showering i heard a loud SPLAT. like seriously it sounded like how its written:

SPLAT.

and on the floor, a few inches from where my slippers were, there was a tail-less lizard. it was huge, fat and like almost black. SO GROSS pls. it has obviously died because a few seconds later, there were ants crowding around it feasting on the stupid dead lizard. i think it fell from the fan. ew.

last weekend, while doing stretches on the benches in the toilet (on a mat), i removed the mat and saw a splattered dead spider. oops. HAHAHA.

---

meeting up with the girls was fun, as usual. bulan puasa pun gossip tak maintain, serious. TSK. us VS tudung girls. omg, when will we ever insaf and wear one.

and recently, i feel so loved by my friends. they totally understand me.

dilz: "aisyah, we vote u to plan our hari raya outing."

aisyah: "why me?"

all: "cuz youre the free-est."

wow, the convenience of assumptions. with 6 days a week of trng, 3 schools to coach for netball and 5 clients. im the free-est. wow. i love my friends.
and for the upcoming iftar with the guys:

aisyah: "we have to book first."

wafi:"thank you aisyah."

fazli: "yes, thank you aisyah."

thank you friends.

i feel like im just going through this phase of the fasting month. the only thing that differs what ive gone through for the past 2 weeks from the other weeks that ive been through is the fact that i get REALLY thirsty, hungry like all the time and fell REALLY tired and weak throughout the whole day. there must be more to fasting than just feeling awful, right?

mum wakes us up for sahur at 4:45am everyday. most of the time i dont remember what i eat for sahur. whatever is served on the dining table goes into the stomach. i miss having to fight for space at the dining table. there used to be 7 of us vying for a table of 6. now theres only 5 left. but only 3-4 will be sitting together to eat. abg al would probably be sleeping still or on his xbox or refusing to sahur just cuz man u lost. abg dani would be in front of his computer screen, for the past 100 yrs or so. my mum's husband (who is obviously not my dad if not i would have already referred to him as dad) doesnt talk to us. sometimes, i feel that they're just housemates. i hardly speak to my own brothers even other than being called fat at random times by them or commenting that they're growing a tummy or like yesterday was one of those random sibling moments when we watched the spore-haiti match on tv together (more on that later). i dont feel like a family unit anymore. its sad, really. i hate growing up. sometimes, i have to admit i miss quarrelling with my brothers. at least we're communicating, albeit loudly or violently. now each of us are leading our own private lives where friends are placed at a higher priority than yr blood sister/brothers. the least we can do now as a family is to go out for family dinners. dont put up yr hopes high on seeing my siblings and i having a picnic at the beach with our mum or kiteflying at marina barrage. it would be just WEIRD.

havent been training much during the fasting month bcuz of the yog but boy, whenever i hit the waters, i feel like i dont have any energy left to do anything for the rest of the day. it sucks, really. that awful weak lousy feeling esp in the afternoons, esp when the sun is scorching hot. yr throat starts to dry up, yr lips start to crack, yr limbs refuse to obey ur commands they go haywire and yr head feels as thought they weigh a ton. i know all these symptoms make me sound like a loozer, but it had been really, really tough. but so far, Alhamdullilah ive managed to survive a few days of training, work and fasting altogether and its down to another 2 weeks or so. and the hardest part of all this is doing it alone. people may pity you or look up to how strong or determined or enduring and persevering you are, but they will never truly know what it feels like to train at 7am in the morning and having to live through the day till you get the next sip of water at 7pm. i guess fasting makes you stronger mentally. insyaAllah it will.

oh and yeah, yog for rowing is like overrrrrrr. i know. time flies. but the period was pretty hectic for the NTOs. i had to leave home at 530am to catch the early (probably the first) train to kallang and making sure not to miss the shuttle bus to marina. coming later than 7am would put u in nic's bad books. so it has been pretty normal not to sleep after sahur. tiring, definitely. but the most disappointing/disgusting thing that i saw at marina was the bunch of malay/muslim volunteers whom conveniently decided that they would not be fasting and ate in the eyes of many. not that it matters to me if they'll be punished by God but its such utter disrecpect to the holy month of Ramadhan. who am i to tell them that they are wrong. i know i myself isnt treating the month at its best but still, i still adhere to basic respect. seriously. what has the world come into?

the singapore juniors did pretty okay. i dont know how they feel, really. dint talk to them much. they were busy with their stuff, i was busy with mine. my role as an NTO at the finish tower was exciting. the FISA council member will announce to the room the winners of the races and i have to report them to the umpire boat at the finish line to guide the winner to the media pontoon to be interviewed. exciting, i tell you. met the official timekeeper guys from Omega who were really friendly and funny. one of them has a daughter who's 14 and almost as tall as me and bigger than me and the best thing he said was that im small for a rower. i know right. judging from our (Asian) sizes and that of the ang mohs, how are we ever gonna be on par with them in rowing when height really does matter? sigh.

YOG not only took coach away from our regular trng sessions, it took nadz away too. he has been staying at the village since forever, and i havent seen his face since the last day of the races. best thing is that he hasnt been texting much, i assume he's too caught up with the bustling activities at YOV. drew said i should give him some time and space. so is not texting the entire day giving him all the time and space that he might need?
sometimes, im too tired to even bother. really. why make someone a priority when he only makes you an option. i refuse to get hurt this way. the more i care, the more i get hurt. so i should care less, really.

oh and how can i not mention the match between the singapore cubs and the oscar-winning haiti actors-cum-footballers last night. im never really a fan of singapore football, blame the s-league for that. but yesterday i was hoping really hard the cubs get into the final cuz i heard they were awesome and i saw them play and they were pretty good. but too much attention, media and pressure put them in an over-confident, big-headed position. thus tragic fell upon them last night. but i was so so so omg super frustrated at the way the haitians played after they scored the first goal. they're time wasting techniques were so ridiculously annoying it was really an eye sore to watch how each and every one of them fell and clutched a part of their body and rolled on the turf as though it was an ACL tear (cuz an ACL tear is the most painful thing tt could happen, trust me). DRAMA MAMA HABIS. seriously. even mum was pissed. i would have applauded them for good play if they dint had added in the oscar-winning acting. really.

okay, i promise myself not to sleep beyond 12 am every night. ive been having these awful block nose one minute and runny nose the next minute sickness it annoys the shit out of me. and the fact that theres rowing tmr morning and i cant sleep aft sahur. boo.

work's gonna start pretty soon i hope i get a school with a super understanding principal. insyaAllah. i dont know if im looking forward to work at all. but im sooooo not looking forward to tell people drg hari raya visitd that im gonna start teaching. cuz that would mean that i wouldnt receive any green packets. and it would be waaay too early for that to happen. CANNOT.

okay, the flu meds starting to take effect. ARGH. bye.

ugh. i cant stand horrible organisation skills.
and assumptions that people around you know everything.
our lives dont revolve around you, you know.
am i the only one who feels this way?
seriously.
noone makes aisyah pissed on a monday night. not monday, please. :(

1. i dont know my role during yog. yeah push me here and there. tell me if im not needed, i would have helped out with the CEP team where i know my efforts would be much appreciated.
2. you dont support my training. i bet you dont even know if i come down for trng or not. i could go broke from the 238509243 cabs i have to take to the trng cntr and never come for trng any more for the rest of my life and you wouldnt even realise i was gone.
3. you send out an email assuming that everyone understands yr excel spreadsheet.
4. you send out an email NOT stating that we're supposed to report at this place at this time and hoping that we could figure that out by ourselves.
5. and you dint tell us what uniform we were supposed to wear. is it the m size uniform that you took for me insisting that its the right fit for me. or could we wear anything we want?
6. so where am i supposed to go now what do i do now.
(a) i have trng, which i am so not looking forward to but i know i have to go for. because if i dont go:
(i) coach will slit my throat.
(ii) i'd be kicked out of the team.
(iii) i dont deserved to be called a national rower.
and i want none of these.
(b) i have work, which i'd rather go to even tho the people i work with can be bitchy, because i get paid and with the money i am able to top up my ezlink card and pay for cab fares so tt i can train every morning.
(c) i have to go to marina, where i dont even know if im supposed to be there in the first place and it'll make me really, really, oh my god, really pissed if i were to spend my time there doing absolutely nothing at all.

and nothing you do helps me make my decision.
ugh.
reason #01 why i left you for a yr and a half.

PISSED. OFF.

my client expressed her concern today abt my trainings and the approaching fasting month. she said that i shouldnt train too much, id get dehydrated and its really bad for my health. sweet of her to say such things but i wish i could do that. i wished it was that simple.

im left with $xx in my bank. so pathetic, i'd cry. 90% of my money went to topping up almost everyday and cabbing to training cntr, work, back, forth. the pain. UGH.

and sometimes i wonder if im the only rower/athlete/sportsperson/whatever you call these grps of ppl who are not interested in stuff like other athletes, record timings, these and thats of the sports, other than being passionate about the sport itself. i love rowing, i really do. i cant imagine myself without it. (ok, bedek. actually, i can. aisyah without rowing is aisyah a yr back- a 173cm blob of fat. ew.) yeah, as much as i love rowing and i'd marry my boat and oars, i dont visit the rowing website often, i dont go gaga over other rowers, i dont read about rowing, not news, not competitions unless they're held ard the region. they just dont interest me. and i wonder if that makes me less of an athlete, moreover less of a rower. :(

and most of the times i wonder if all these effort and hard work are worth it.

yes, i do wonder alot.

im tired. its 11:50pm and i should be sleeping. im gonna have to row with my favourite teammate tmr. im so excited im gonna die. im so looking forward to training.
ugh.

dear God, if there's one thing i wish for right now, i wish i wont ever, ever lose motivation to row. InsyaAllah.

world war 3 just ended in my house.
AISYAH vs MUM. epic battle.
weapons of mass destruction: MOUTH, and whatever that comes out of it.
and like in any war,
there are no winners, only losers.
chey.
OMG.
its been a long time since i quarrelled with my mum.
ok bedek. i quarrel with her like almost every other day when we're both at home.
but today's quarrel-o-meter hit 9/10!
and it had to be the day i came home early.
the irony of life.
you come home early, hoping to bask in the atmosphere evening sunlight,
hoping that your mum will come home from work, giving you a pat on the back and say:
"IM PROUD OF YOU, DAUGHTER. YOU'RE HOME EARLY TODAY."
but all i got was a full 5mins of screamings and naggings which were directed at me from outside my locked bedroom door. but i couldnt (more of didnt want to) hear cuz i was shutting my ears.
yah, truout the 5mins i couldnt hear a thing. i could make out words like "derhaka", "jantan" and what nots. I KNOW RIGHT. i told you it was THAT intense.
i dont mean to be rude but seriously.
living with her for 22 years,
i can safely conclude that she ENJOYS finding flaws in my actions and behaviours.
aiyah, u say,
its a mum thing.
yeah, i guess youre right.
its like their JOB to carik pasal with you.
so my brothers who were hardly at home were at home when the war happened.
one of them got pissed so he made me and mum sit and talk,
after much persuasion that i get out of the room.
one of the issues mum laid out was: rowing.
i dont know how rowing got into the picture but it did! she's not happy that i can wake up at 5am every morning to row but cant do shit for the household. i know right. i mean, okay arguement accepted. i admit i dont do housework, im hardly at home, but you dont put rowing in the picture. its just, wrong.
if only she knew how awesome i am on water.
but she doesnt.
she'll never understand.
(i know, sad right?)
haiya.
she needs to watch 3 idiots.
if you havent watched it yet.
YOURE MISSING OUT ALOT, man.
3 idiots taught me one important lesson in life:
do what you love, not what people tell you to do.

thus,
i refuse to do housework.

OKAY RUDE SEH.
kidding.
i'll do it.
soon.
really.
promise.
hari raya's coming btw.
means i gotta clean the house soon anyway.
boo :(

any latest updatessss.
1. rowing's been awesome. blisters come and go. they say pain makes you stronger. mum has been nagging incessantly abt my busy rowing schedule cuz she derives satisfaction from doing it. im sorry mum but nothing's gonna stop me from doing what i love.
2. my hamstring's being such an ass at the moment. tight here tight there. from all the cycling in perth. conclusion: cycling is just NOT my thing. PUT THAT IN YR HEAD, aisyah.
3. YOG's on its way, round the corner and somebody's gonna kick some rowers ass on water! i've always believed that winning IS everything but in the olympics, its not. being part of it is already THAT awesome (right, nadz?) :)
4. im currently superbly annoyed at the efficiency of MOE/NIE, whichever. maybe both. firstly they said im gonna go nie in the next intake. now they're telling me i'll be sent to school to teach. and i wrote them an email and they've been forwarding to this division and that sector, blah blah, but no replies. SERIOUSLY. i almost gave up on them seh. but to think of it. I WANNA INSPIRE PEOPLE, yo. (thanks fazli)
5. days now are packed with trng, clients, schools. trying to find time for housework. its not that i refuse to do housework, u see. u wouldnt understand.
HAHAHA.

ok past my bedtime.
tata.

oh and 6. for the first time in 283105 yrs, im feeling flu-ish. :( ugh.

omgomgomg.
this is so stressful.
got myself in such trouble.
i feel like slitting my wrist.

i feel so stupid.
i woke up this morning from the vibrations of my phone.
nus smsed me my results for my final yr exam.
omg.
i dont know whether to be sad cuz its friggin bad.
or whether to be happy cuz its my last results from nus, ever.

i feel so so stupid.
signed up as a coach in this particular school.
thinking that i have all the time in the world to make this school win the zonals.
then rowing started, yog's around the corner, nie's gonna start soon.
(YES. NIE)
i dont know if i can commit.
and i just cant bring myself to tell them i cant commit.
papers have been signed. they know my face.
what if they see me alg the streets next time and spit at my face. :(
and i spent like an hr, crying about it.
im such a wreck.

havent been going for silat,
not even to support them.
but bedok is just way. too. far.
but thats just an excuse.
but its true.
ugh.
sometimes i cant stand my own fickleness.
its amazing ive survived 22 yrs living with myself.

the futsal comp's ard the corner.
go futsal can, go silat cannot.
ive learnt things the hard way in life:
you cant make everyone in the world happy.
true that.

im feeling so suicidal.
which path should i choose?
pills? slashing? building?
HAHAHA.
omg, im scaring myself.
blisters on my hands already make me cry.
and so does false alarms twisted ankle during soccer trng.
and im thinking abt killing myself.
i must be kidding.

is this scaring you?
dont worry. im still sane.
i love myself too much to commit suicide.
i'd rather die rowing for the nation then dying over stupid things.

ok STOP IT WITH THIS SUICIDE SHIT.
crazy woman.

and rowing.
training has been pretty tough recently,
and just as intensity has started to pick up,
coach wants to taper it down.
wow.
i wonder how im gonna survive that 2k.
and my blisters. ugh.
i cried in the boat yest bcuz they friggin hurt.
33 and counting.

i watched shrek 4 and cried.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
my tear ducts have no control over themselves.

when i row hard,
i feel like dying,
but i know coach wont let me die.
so that makes me row even harder.

i dont know if im as mentally strong as before.
i'll know, soon enough.

sometimes i wish i lead a normal life.
having a normal job.
regular pay.
no fuss, hassle-free.
no training.
no feeling tired after trng.
no competition to train for.
long term goal is to earn money
and build a happy family.

but most of the time,
im thankful i dont lead a normal life.

i think my life is awesome. :)

post exams

the 22 blisters on my hands will always remind me to STOP BEING FRIGGIN FICKLE AND MAKE UP MY MIND WHAT SPORTS I WANT TO DO CUZ IF I DONT WANT TO ROW THEN THERES SRSLY NO PT HAVING THESE THINGS ON MY HANDS WHICH REALLY HURT. :(

1. rowing
2. s******
3. netball
4. silat
5. soccer

or maybe, mom's right. its best that a 22 yr old girl like me sit at home and clean the house.
i hate growing old.
growing old means u have wisdom teeth growing and they hurt :(
growing old means whatever decision you make makes a whole lot of difference to yr life. :(
growing old means you gotta be a grown up. i hate doing grown up things. :(
sulk sulk sulk.

its mid may ALREADY. time flies.
training has been crazy painful with the stamina still hovering at NIL, blisters which never stop appearing making my hands look like a world map, getting TANNED (which is actually smtg ive been looking forward to), waking up at 5am almost every morning, getting these really nice and defined muscles. hahaha the list goes on yo. all in all, I AM BACK ON WATER. but its a sucky feeling knowing that u were once really good at this shit but now u totally suck at it :( i cant wait to back on form. CANT WAIT. but time waits for no man. what more a girl. life sucks. haha. emo ke per. later i pierce my lips and wear eyeliner and black lipstick than you know.
abeh kan i got my heart rate checked recently and it was 80bpm sia. WAHLAO. i used to be 52bpm. :(:(:(

okay what else. my back and shoulders are giving me hell. ARGH SIGNS OF AGING. shut up, aisyah.

silat competition at the end of may.
soccer competition early june.
rowing competition mid june.

im sooo back to being who i was. :) alhamdullilah.
knee's getting muchos better.

one thing i want to so is learn to do is to trust and love again. hmm.
the second is to colour my hair red.
okay kidding, maybe blond.
i dont know.
my bro says i should stop colouring my natural blond hair.
aww he's so sweet aint he?
talking about brothers.
today, i met the RUDEST taxi driver in the whole world. i swear.
so there were 3 guys and me in the cab. so i had to sit at the passengers seat in front. and i had to move back the chair cuz i was carrying whole lot of shit in my bag and my knees were pressing agst the whatever-u-call-tt-board-in-front-of-the-car. then u know what that kurang ajar taxi driver said when i asked my bro sitting right behind me if it was okay if i were to push my chair back? he barged into our convo and said, "her legs not that long lah, she just wants to straighten her legs. u want me to get measuring tape, measure ur legs. not so long also." i was like omg. wtf. rude nak mampos kan. like who gave u the right to say those things to me! omg. muker nak kene sepak, srsly.

it has nothing to do with "talking bout brothers" but i thought i would like to share the story abt kurangajar taxi drivers.

ugh.
anyway, we played soccer today and IT FELT SO GOOD.

okay dah.
im tired. theres a 12 hrs (its 12 hrs i heard!) adventure race tmr where we gotta wear long pants which are like my most fave pair of wadrobe item to wear! loving it.

oh and final exams in nus are over which means that im outta here! :D

life is ironic.
just a few minutes ago, someone told me this:

"u have this ability to piss pple off without u knowing.
and it's not just me saying that.
so something is really wrong somewhere.
if i could pin point it out to you i would.
but i cant
so may God help u find that out yea?
:)"

and it makes you wonder what is the purpose of someone telling you things like that. is it supposed to be beneficial to me? is it meant to cause hurt? so who now has the ability to piss ppl off unconsciously? me, or you?

today, positive psychology class felt more like a marriage class. we learnt about the dos and donts of relationships and marriages. we learnt how to communicate well with our spouses, how to establish a relationship that lasts, and how to be a good partner. and i was thinking, thinking, thinking. according to these theories, i SUCK as a gf. i wont go into details how much i fall into the YOU SUCK AS A GF category cuz its really saddening when i thought i was doing my best to be a good gf. its either not enuf or not good enuf. all i know is that theres lots to improve on. maybe, things really happen for a reason. lets just keep it that way. may Allah show us the right path. insyaAllah. :)