life is ironic.
just a few minutes ago, someone told me this:
"u have this ability to piss pple off without u knowing.
and it's not just me saying that.
so something is really wrong somewhere.
if i could pin point it out to you i would.
but i cant
so may God help u find that out yea?
:)"
and it makes you wonder what is the purpose of someone telling you things like that. is it supposed to be beneficial to me? is it meant to cause hurt? so who now has the ability to piss ppl off unconsciously? me, or you?
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
today, positive psychology class felt more like a marriage class. we learnt about the dos and donts of relationships and marriages. we learnt how to communicate well with our spouses, how to establish a relationship that lasts, and how to be a good partner. and i was thinking, thinking, thinking. according to these theories, i SUCK as a gf. i wont go into details how much i fall into the YOU SUCK AS A GF category cuz its really saddening when i thought i was doing my best to be a good gf. its either not enuf or not good enuf. all i know is that theres lots to improve on. maybe, things really happen for a reason. lets just keep it that way. may Allah show us the right path. insyaAllah. :)
i dont know what kind of heart God gave you. you were nice to me when you wanted me, when u wanted me to stay, to wait for you. now that you dont, you talk to me like as though i never mattered. you tell me you've been busy, you're stressed, you've got all these sorts of problems but that doesnt mean that you deserve all the right to talk to me that way. youre not the only stressed person here. everyone has their own shitpile of work. its how you take matters into hand. its the same shit i hear year by year. ive been trying my best here not to hate you because its not in my nature to hate. and i deserve all the rights in the world to hate you because of the things you did to me. but i dont hate you. to me, it is an inevitable fact that u were once mine, i dont have the heart to treat you like sampah. but thats how i feel right now. i dont understand why you have to treat me like that. if i had a heart like yours, the world would already have known what you did and do you think you'll have the comfort of your home still? if i had a heart like yours, i'd rather die than living with such a black black heart. and by me mentioning this, you'll say im spiting you and in ur exact words "im used to it already. everytime i talk to you i get spited." i see. everytime huh. im setan what. everytime i spite you.
its not like i want you back. especially now that i know what kind of person you really are. i never wanted you back since i knew that i spent two yrs being hopeful for a guy who wouldnt stand up for me. i wont ever want to be with a guy who treats his ex like some i dont know- disease? i dont even know why i bother talking to you sometimes. i realised life's way better without you. i dont cry at night anymore. i dont have to wonder what you're up to. i dont have to be apprehensive about trusting u anymore. maybe because its the friendship i want to salvage. but if even talking to you as a friend got rude responses from you. then i might as well not. dont wanna go on hurting myself.
i wish good luck to whoever you meet next.
may she not be hurt by you,
and your black heart.
ustaz said its never too late to cleanse yr heart.
i never did say i had a pure, clean heart.
but what i do know is that i never treat my exes like shit.
i respect them for who they are or once were.
and i treat them like friends.
not like some bangkai you'd rather piss on.
its not like i want you back. especially now that i know what kind of person you really are. i never wanted you back since i knew that i spent two yrs being hopeful for a guy who wouldnt stand up for me. i wont ever want to be with a guy who treats his ex like some i dont know- disease? i dont even know why i bother talking to you sometimes. i realised life's way better without you. i dont cry at night anymore. i dont have to wonder what you're up to. i dont have to be apprehensive about trusting u anymore. maybe because its the friendship i want to salvage. but if even talking to you as a friend got rude responses from you. then i might as well not. dont wanna go on hurting myself.
i wish good luck to whoever you meet next.
may she not be hurt by you,
and your black heart.
ustaz said its never too late to cleanse yr heart.
i never did say i had a pure, clean heart.
but what i do know is that i never treat my exes like shit.
i respect them for who they are or once were.
and i treat them like friends.
not like some bangkai you'd rather piss on.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
gaah. first week of school is over.
1. school is being nice now. not much work, yet. readings have been as usual, crazy. it is confirmed that i am the only yr 3 in my lvl 4 class. and it is true that theres an essay every week. i have been studying during my free periods alone. (i know right). and i was actually paying attn in einstein's class- something on relativity. i dont understand shit but i remember not falling asleep. to me, its an achievement. it doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you dont stop, remember? right.
2. ive been running with syahir around woodlands. i still havent gotten used to it, yet. back to square one. i wonder if i can ever do an 11mins 2.4km again or run for 10k without feeling pain or feeling like shit. syahir said i was slow. that idiot, but i'll sure be sad when he leaves for ns. running buddy, anyone?
3. everyone's gonna leave. i hate everyone who's leaving or who has left or who's supposed to graduate with me but is not going to and now i have to find ppl to throw my graduation hats with :(
ugh.
4. i sparred during silat trng for the first time since my fall last yr. its been a yr already, time really flies, MasyaAllah. fighting was addictive. but the aftermath was awful. my ankle's swollen, my arm and finger are badly bruised. when i showed my mum, she gave the funniest comments: "WHY UNTIL LIKE THAT? KAN SAKIT." then she pressed her finger on the bruise. "Im going to talk to your coach".
5. went for alia's halal party last night at aloha loyang. takder lagi jauh, i know. the tjunx had a gathering, it was fun. a bit, umm, odd. other than we feeling very underdressed and left out, i had to pretend it was OKAY when i had to see his face. but other than that. "good job" to us we put a smile on fairuz's face. we saw birdman. alia had a time of her life turning a yr older. and yeah, i took 2 hours to reach home. i dont want to talk about that.
6. sometimes, coaching netball to kids make you want to scream your head off, but most of the time, no matter how annoying they are, they definitely do make me smile. :)
7. brooding period's definitely over but theres still some hurt and pain here and there. like they say, time will heal, and im just waiting to be fully recovered. but meanwhile, i think i should get up on my ass and start moving on. MOVING ON is a bitch, but i dont wanna be a loser, going after a guy who wont even stand up for me. sometimes u wonder whether they really did love u as much as you thought they did. but sometimes, the best thing to do is just not to think about it. like when you initiate a convo with ur ex and he's being very curt and hostile and cold (and he tells you that its for the better and you stupidly nod in agreement), might as well not bother initiating the convo in the first place and get spared from getting hurt, right?
oh well.
cheers, to a better week ahead, insyaAllah.
1. school is being nice now. not much work, yet. readings have been as usual, crazy. it is confirmed that i am the only yr 3 in my lvl 4 class. and it is true that theres an essay every week. i have been studying during my free periods alone. (i know right). and i was actually paying attn in einstein's class- something on relativity. i dont understand shit but i remember not falling asleep. to me, its an achievement. it doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you dont stop, remember? right.
2. ive been running with syahir around woodlands. i still havent gotten used to it, yet. back to square one. i wonder if i can ever do an 11mins 2.4km again or run for 10k without feeling pain or feeling like shit. syahir said i was slow. that idiot, but i'll sure be sad when he leaves for ns. running buddy, anyone?
3. everyone's gonna leave. i hate everyone who's leaving or who has left or who's supposed to graduate with me but is not going to and now i have to find ppl to throw my graduation hats with :(
ugh.
4. i sparred during silat trng for the first time since my fall last yr. its been a yr already, time really flies, MasyaAllah. fighting was addictive. but the aftermath was awful. my ankle's swollen, my arm and finger are badly bruised. when i showed my mum, she gave the funniest comments: "WHY UNTIL LIKE THAT? KAN SAKIT." then she pressed her finger on the bruise. "Im going to talk to your coach".
5. went for alia's halal party last night at aloha loyang. takder lagi jauh, i know. the tjunx had a gathering, it was fun. a bit, umm, odd. other than we feeling very underdressed and left out, i had to pretend it was OKAY when i had to see his face. but other than that. "good job" to us we put a smile on fairuz's face. we saw birdman. alia had a time of her life turning a yr older. and yeah, i took 2 hours to reach home. i dont want to talk about that.
6. sometimes, coaching netball to kids make you want to scream your head off, but most of the time, no matter how annoying they are, they definitely do make me smile. :)
7. brooding period's definitely over but theres still some hurt and pain here and there. like they say, time will heal, and im just waiting to be fully recovered. but meanwhile, i think i should get up on my ass and start moving on. MOVING ON is a bitch, but i dont wanna be a loser, going after a guy who wont even stand up for me. sometimes u wonder whether they really did love u as much as you thought they did. but sometimes, the best thing to do is just not to think about it. like when you initiate a convo with ur ex and he's being very curt and hostile and cold (and he tells you that its for the better and you stupidly nod in agreement), might as well not bother initiating the convo in the first place and get spared from getting hurt, right?
oh well.
cheers, to a better week ahead, insyaAllah.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
hey
its only the third day of school and my energy level's hovering at zilch.
my last sem- did my last module bidding, filed for graduation, converted my module and lets just hope everything goes well enuf, I'll be graduating in 4 months. InsyaAllah. I cant wait, cant u tell?
yay?
i know. im still in this stupid annoying mood.
and i dont even know what im feeling anymore- tired? angry? sad? depressed? bodoh?
ugh.
okay monday first day of school went pretty okay. 8am class. yeah, tell me abt it. after that i had a looong break (i refused to count how long it was until yatay was like "Aisyah you have a 6hr break?" and i was like "omg. 6 hourssss!") yup. so i went for hot yoga alone, went back to school, ate lunch with yatay, talk talk talk and we realised that we're gd at giving each other advices but when it comes to our own problems, we're hopeless i tell you. went to next class alone (some einstein weirdness shit which almost made me fall asleep.) that was 4-5ish then i went home and went to run with syahir for like 50mins, covered like 7.15km. which was really rejuvenating, Alhamdullilah. and that was my monday.
on tuesday i had class from 12pm-9pm. with a 2 hr break in between, thats when i visited the dean's office to file for my graduation and thats where i met the rude receptionist but i was too tired to like fluster over such a person not worth my energy so i let her be rude, took a seat, and waited, just to submit 2 pieces of paper and leave. i think im seriously not an afternoon person. falling asleep in drugs and society class (just cuz i was alone) but was wide awake during adol psych (maybe cuz amir was sitting next to me and we were in 2nd row). finally got friend in class. yeah. am i that pathetic? ugh.
anyway 6-9pm seminar, lvl 4 mod- positive psychology. which was pretty scary at first cuz i was the only yr 3 amidst the honours students and even yr 5s! i know right. but i made a friend cuz we had to introduce to each other, but she was pretty nice. and class wasnt so bad. but the lecturer was pointing out to us the workload which includes an essay a week for 10 weeks. haha. oh well. its not everyday u get to take a lvl4 psych mod when ure in yr3 u know? yelah.
and today i woke up at 5am in the morning, left home at 6am, took 168 at 6:15am, reached tampines at 7am, reached yumin priamry at 7:15am. on time okay. im proud of myself. netball coaching went good. i think i was born to do this shit. haha. then i went for rehab where i told steve not to torture me cuz i want to walk for the next few days cuz last week he made me do 300 leg presses and dontknowhowmany walking lunges and i swear even sitting was torture for a week. i told steve abt my suffering and he said "thats what i call a good trng". okaylah, as long as u are hepi.
and one of the trainer asked me just now, "so have you thought abt which sport you want to join?" sigh.
no.
OMG, i actually recalled every single thing in my life, whats wrong with me. everything. i used to tell every single thing to him, but now he's gone so can you please shut up and move on, thank you. :(
i have to agree with everyone, i suck at moving on. im an emotional wreck, a loser, stubborn ass. ugh. aper ni maki hamun diri sendiri. haha. now im schizo. and i realised i have absolutely no account of how i got over my other exes. so i dont know how i used to do it, but right now, i tell you, its painful-to let go. like a big piece of hard shit thats stuck in ur rectum and it hurts like hell to let it go- yah, like that.
but today i went to ljs to buy lunch which i ate at home alone. (am i using too much "alone"?) and when i got home i got free potato-skin chips some mat working in the ljs kitchen must have put in for me, or some girl (who likes girls) could have done it, i wont be surprised. or maybe they accidently put it in, but whatever it is it made my day-a little, i think.
and in a bit, im gonna leave for another netball session until like 6 plus and after that to pandan where there'll be a rowing meeting. uhhuh, my day's not even half done and im so tired, i was sleeping like a log in the train just now. :(
and i seriously have to get out of this mood before i die. they say time will heal but time is moving so friggin slow when it comes to this. sigh.
sometimes i wonder whats he doing, how his day has been going, what work he has to do, whether he misses me or not. and there's nothing else to look forward to at the end of my days, other than doing work at home. GAAAAAH.
okay, i shall stop i shall stop i shall stop.
but how long more do i have to pretend that everything is okay,
when its not?
i just want to get over this, please God, please help me. :(
dah, bye.
its only the third day of school and my energy level's hovering at zilch.
my last sem- did my last module bidding, filed for graduation, converted my module and lets just hope everything goes well enuf, I'll be graduating in 4 months. InsyaAllah. I cant wait, cant u tell?
yay?
i know. im still in this stupid annoying mood.
and i dont even know what im feeling anymore- tired? angry? sad? depressed? bodoh?
ugh.
okay monday first day of school went pretty okay. 8am class. yeah, tell me abt it. after that i had a looong break (i refused to count how long it was until yatay was like "Aisyah you have a 6hr break?" and i was like "omg. 6 hourssss!") yup. so i went for hot yoga alone, went back to school, ate lunch with yatay, talk talk talk and we realised that we're gd at giving each other advices but when it comes to our own problems, we're hopeless i tell you. went to next class alone (some einstein weirdness shit which almost made me fall asleep.) that was 4-5ish then i went home and went to run with syahir for like 50mins, covered like 7.15km. which was really rejuvenating, Alhamdullilah. and that was my monday.
on tuesday i had class from 12pm-9pm. with a 2 hr break in between, thats when i visited the dean's office to file for my graduation and thats where i met the rude receptionist but i was too tired to like fluster over such a person not worth my energy so i let her be rude, took a seat, and waited, just to submit 2 pieces of paper and leave. i think im seriously not an afternoon person. falling asleep in drugs and society class (just cuz i was alone) but was wide awake during adol psych (maybe cuz amir was sitting next to me and we were in 2nd row). finally got friend in class. yeah. am i that pathetic? ugh.
anyway 6-9pm seminar, lvl 4 mod- positive psychology. which was pretty scary at first cuz i was the only yr 3 amidst the honours students and even yr 5s! i know right. but i made a friend cuz we had to introduce to each other, but she was pretty nice. and class wasnt so bad. but the lecturer was pointing out to us the workload which includes an essay a week for 10 weeks. haha. oh well. its not everyday u get to take a lvl4 psych mod when ure in yr3 u know? yelah.
and today i woke up at 5am in the morning, left home at 6am, took 168 at 6:15am, reached tampines at 7am, reached yumin priamry at 7:15am. on time okay. im proud of myself. netball coaching went good. i think i was born to do this shit. haha. then i went for rehab where i told steve not to torture me cuz i want to walk for the next few days cuz last week he made me do 300 leg presses and dontknowhowmany walking lunges and i swear even sitting was torture for a week. i told steve abt my suffering and he said "thats what i call a good trng". okaylah, as long as u are hepi.
and one of the trainer asked me just now, "so have you thought abt which sport you want to join?" sigh.
no.
OMG, i actually recalled every single thing in my life, whats wrong with me. everything. i used to tell every single thing to him, but now he's gone so can you please shut up and move on, thank you. :(
i have to agree with everyone, i suck at moving on. im an emotional wreck, a loser, stubborn ass. ugh. aper ni maki hamun diri sendiri. haha. now im schizo. and i realised i have absolutely no account of how i got over my other exes. so i dont know how i used to do it, but right now, i tell you, its painful-to let go. like a big piece of hard shit thats stuck in ur rectum and it hurts like hell to let it go- yah, like that.
but today i went to ljs to buy lunch which i ate at home alone. (am i using too much "alone"?) and when i got home i got free potato-skin chips some mat working in the ljs kitchen must have put in for me, or some girl (who likes girls) could have done it, i wont be surprised. or maybe they accidently put it in, but whatever it is it made my day-a little, i think.
and in a bit, im gonna leave for another netball session until like 6 plus and after that to pandan where there'll be a rowing meeting. uhhuh, my day's not even half done and im so tired, i was sleeping like a log in the train just now. :(
and i seriously have to get out of this mood before i die. they say time will heal but time is moving so friggin slow when it comes to this. sigh.
sometimes i wonder whats he doing, how his day has been going, what work he has to do, whether he misses me or not. and there's nothing else to look forward to at the end of my days, other than doing work at home. GAAAAAH.
okay, i shall stop i shall stop i shall stop.
but how long more do i have to pretend that everything is okay,
when its not?
i just want to get over this, please God, please help me. :(
dah, bye.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
when I thought that I was strong,
but you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me...
And all over me.
I live here on my knees as I
try to make you see that you're everything
I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though
I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know
is that you're keeping me down.
-Sara Bareilles
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
when I thought that I was strong,
but you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me...
And all over me.
I live here on my knees as I
try to make you see that you're everything
I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though
I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know
is that you're keeping me down.
-Sara Bareilles
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Rocky said to his son:
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That´s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you worth, go out and get what you worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying: You ain´t what you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain´t you! You´re better than that!"
Im never a fan of boxing or Rocky, but that's one hell of a quote. ;)
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That´s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you worth, go out and get what you worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying: You ain´t what you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain´t you! You´re better than that!"
Im never a fan of boxing or Rocky, but that's one hell of a quote. ;)
Friday, January 01, 2010
new yr resolution
and in 2010,
i cant wait to get so lost in God,
cuz they say "women should be so lost in God that men have to seek Him in order to find her", deep. :)
i cant wait to get so lost in God,
cuz they say "women should be so lost in God that men have to seek Him in order to find her", deep. :)
Thursday, December 31, 2009
2009
like what else do u do at the end of the yr right?
2009 has been a crazy yr.
new yrs are like exams.
steve says, let 2009 pass and go.
yeah, like exams, they come and go, sometimes leaving u exhausted, sometimes exhilarated, but at the end of it all, u know its over.
9 eventful things that happened in 2009:
(and working with YOG have taught me to leave events with learning points, so here goes..)
1. the hoohaas about izzat.
too many to say. if i were to say it, im gonna cry, so i wont.
keep the good, forget the bad, they say.
lesson learnt: letting go.
2. went for a surgery that changed my life. 27 feb-
(my knee is my life okay.)
surgery and hospitalisation fees: $10k
cab fees back and forth woodlands and sports council for rehab and physio: $400
having friends that helped me tru the immense pain i was suffering: priceless.
and now im running and kicking, Alhamdullilah. :)
lesson learnt: go for rehab religiously right after surgery. its the most painful thing ever, but pain makes u stronger.
3. landing an internship with YOG.
lesson learnt: get a proper job, being an intern sucks. but okay, the experience was great. u have sprinters like seng song and polo boys like ren kai as ur colleagues. what more can u ask for as an intern? higher pay. HAH, u wait long long.
4. getting my first (and hopefully my last) D+ for exams.
social psychology. not really my thing. its the lecturer, i swear. pulled my grades down like sai. ugh.
lesson learnt: dont give ACL tear as an excuse for doing poorly for exams. blame the lecturer.
5. darwin happened.
waterfalls, plungepools, rocks and hundreds and hundreds of kilometers of driving.
lesson learnt: book your flight tickets early. go to the most random places in the world wiht the most random group of ppl and make it happen :)
6. silat ivp.
team manager seh, goes into my testimonial. not bad. leadership quality: check. good results? umm.
lesson learnt: acl patients make good team managers.
7. signed my life away with nie.
all i was thinking was, masters masters masters. insyaAllah.
lesson learnt: dont think too much, agree with nike, just do it!
8. lose to win.
was part of the team that made people lose weight and feel more confident abt themselves. who says u cant change the life of others?
lesson learnt: theres no such thing as fat people, only lazy people.
9. went globetrotting. wait, no. 3 countries, one island-trotting.
vietnam, cambodia, bangkok and phuket in a week. konon globetrotter lahhh.
lesson learnt: tell yr mum who you go holiday with.
2009 has been a crazy yr.
new yrs are like exams.
steve says, let 2009 pass and go.
yeah, like exams, they come and go, sometimes leaving u exhausted, sometimes exhilarated, but at the end of it all, u know its over.
9 eventful things that happened in 2009:
(and working with YOG have taught me to leave events with learning points, so here goes..)
1. the hoohaas about izzat.
too many to say. if i were to say it, im gonna cry, so i wont.
keep the good, forget the bad, they say.
lesson learnt: letting go.
2. went for a surgery that changed my life. 27 feb-
(my knee is my life okay.)
surgery and hospitalisation fees: $10k
cab fees back and forth woodlands and sports council for rehab and physio: $400
having friends that helped me tru the immense pain i was suffering: priceless.
and now im running and kicking, Alhamdullilah. :)
lesson learnt: go for rehab religiously right after surgery. its the most painful thing ever, but pain makes u stronger.
3. landing an internship with YOG.
lesson learnt: get a proper job, being an intern sucks. but okay, the experience was great. u have sprinters like seng song and polo boys like ren kai as ur colleagues. what more can u ask for as an intern? higher pay. HAH, u wait long long.
4. getting my first (and hopefully my last) D+ for exams.
social psychology. not really my thing. its the lecturer, i swear. pulled my grades down like sai. ugh.
lesson learnt: dont give ACL tear as an excuse for doing poorly for exams. blame the lecturer.
5. darwin happened.
waterfalls, plungepools, rocks and hundreds and hundreds of kilometers of driving.
lesson learnt: book your flight tickets early. go to the most random places in the world wiht the most random group of ppl and make it happen :)
6. silat ivp.
team manager seh, goes into my testimonial. not bad. leadership quality: check. good results? umm.
lesson learnt: acl patients make good team managers.
7. signed my life away with nie.
all i was thinking was, masters masters masters. insyaAllah.
lesson learnt: dont think too much, agree with nike, just do it!
8. lose to win.
was part of the team that made people lose weight and feel more confident abt themselves. who says u cant change the life of others?
lesson learnt: theres no such thing as fat people, only lazy people.
9. went globetrotting. wait, no. 3 countries, one island-trotting.
vietnam, cambodia, bangkok and phuket in a week. konon globetrotter lahhh.
lesson learnt: tell yr mum who you go holiday with.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
its the time of the yr again to bid for modules. and it'll be my last.
i dont know whether i should be happy abt it,
or not.
dont come telling me its the season to be merry.
not when im having conjunctivitis and my eyes have been swollen from my incessant crying since tuesday.
i need to get a grip of my life, i tell you.
ugh.
i miss those carefree days when taufik batisah was everything to me and i was so damn good at mugging and netball.
i dont know whether i should be happy abt it,
or not.
dont come telling me its the season to be merry.
not when im having conjunctivitis and my eyes have been swollen from my incessant crying since tuesday.
i need to get a grip of my life, i tell you.
ugh.
i miss those carefree days when taufik batisah was everything to me and i was so damn good at mugging and netball.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
the truth is out.
i guess he's really gone, for good.
i have to learn to cry less.
its making my eyes swell up real bad.
God, i trust that You have bigger plans for us,
InsyaAllah.
i have to learn to cry less.
its making my eyes swell up real bad.
God, i trust that You have bigger plans for us,
InsyaAllah.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
i've got a feeling.
that tonight's gonna be a good night.
haha. the song's stuck in my head.
and the video too. WATCH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvljD0toJmU
its amazingggg.
haha. makes u feel...
err,
good.
not like studying.
the thought of studying just makes you feel
not good,
at all.
ugh.
(thus, im taking this short break to write.)
im such a role model student, aren't i?
i'll be out of the school next yr.
cant wait cant wait.
on the other hand,
school makes u feel safe.
somehow.
dont u think?
sigh.
why cant we pretend we're still in secondary school,
where theres nothing to worry about but
whether the guy is hot or not,
which team will we be meeting in the tournament,
whether our socks are high and skirts are not too short,
and whether we've done enuf 10 yr series.
i hate growing up,
too fast :(
i went for an moe interview last week.
YES MOE. haha. i know i dont have the slightest passion to teach,
but coaching, absolutely.
so im gonna give it a go on the PDGE and teach PE and umm,
another subject which i havent thought abt it yet.
malay, maybe? hahaha!
i learnt that doesnt mean ure good at netball, u can be a good netball coach.
similarly, doesnt mean i got an A1 for higher malay, i can be a good malay teacher, no? heh.
i wasnt prepared for the interview at all. i dont know why i dint bother. its quite scary actually, the fact that i went for a job interview not feeling a tinge of worry,
not until when i was outside the interview room.
then i started to wake up and was like,
OMG. ITS A REAL INTERVIEW.
and started to panic.
i didnt read tru the list of interview tips b4 that.
i didnt go tru lists of questions they were gonna ask.
all i did was,
be myself. (chey mcm paham. but seriously, nil preps except for bringing my certs.)
there were three of them sitting in front of me.
first mistake i did, which i found out after the interview after reading tru some interview tips, was that i placed my arms on the table. HAHAHAHA. can u believe it i actually did that? zomg.
i shook their hands, and dint sit down until i was told. that, i passed. :)
the interviewers had some problems smiling, so i had to do smtg abt it. i made them laughed. plus point? haha.
it went pretty well actually. i left the room feeling,
satisfied,
considering that i had such minimal preperations.
and i got an sms recently saying that they'll be giving me a letter of offer for teaching position. how cool.
aisyah's interview tip #1: be yourself. :):):)
i dont know what shit made me want to join the teaching industry but when i looked at the courses the PDGE (PE) had, it made me excited. :)
career tip #16: find something to do that makes you tick. what makes you tick?
there you go.
like why do i bother waking up at 5am every tuesday to travel all the way to marymount to coach netball to a bunch of annoying p3s for 8 consequtive weeks?
the kids drain and suck the energy out of you butttt..
its the feeling i get when i leave the school after the session.
aww.
hahaha. omg. this is so weird.
i actually have a passion for something other than rowing. HAHAHA.
and talking about rowing.
i dont know whether i want in back.
of cuz definitely i would love to row again.
but looking at the path that i have just paved before me,
i dont know if im able to become the steel-hearted, girl who lost 8kg, determined, passionate, almost crazy, rower that i once was. wait, no. i dont know if i WANT to become that person again.
i know! its scary to say such things. rowing was part of my life for 4 yrs and to say such things is like dumping an ex boyfriend and biting him behind his back. how rude of me! :(
but cormac's pulling me into another sport and hopefully if all goes well, who knows i may be just the next Olympian. HAHAHA.
dont even get me started on silat.
i still have this burning desire to fight.
grr.
my knee's getting muchos better. Alhamdullilah. thank you to every single person who had been there for me. you know who you are :)
what's next?
looking at short term events, the exams are just round the corner. i dont know if its just me but this sem went past a bit too fast. dont u think so? scary.
and next sem is my last sem in nus.
zomg.
i've already planned out my post-exam activities, but not for exams.
i know.
im such a lazy bum bum.
kill me. :(
and i was just thinking,
if theres one thing i want to change in this world,
is for people to stop lying and stop cheating their partners.
spread love, not lies.
oh well.
okok, i shall go back to studying.
check out the vid yea. :)
worth yr 4mins, trust me.
oh and i realised i dint even mention about guys.
pats on my back.
aisyah g.
that tonight's gonna be a good night.
haha. the song's stuck in my head.
and the video too. WATCH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvljD0toJmU
its amazingggg.
haha. makes u feel...
err,
good.
not like studying.
the thought of studying just makes you feel
not good,
at all.
ugh.
(thus, im taking this short break to write.)
im such a role model student, aren't i?
i'll be out of the school next yr.
cant wait cant wait.
on the other hand,
school makes u feel safe.
somehow.
dont u think?
sigh.
why cant we pretend we're still in secondary school,
where theres nothing to worry about but
whether the guy is hot or not,
which team will we be meeting in the tournament,
whether our socks are high and skirts are not too short,
and whether we've done enuf 10 yr series.
i hate growing up,
too fast :(
i went for an moe interview last week.
YES MOE. haha. i know i dont have the slightest passion to teach,
but coaching, absolutely.
so im gonna give it a go on the PDGE and teach PE and umm,
another subject which i havent thought abt it yet.
malay, maybe? hahaha!
i learnt that doesnt mean ure good at netball, u can be a good netball coach.
similarly, doesnt mean i got an A1 for higher malay, i can be a good malay teacher, no? heh.
i wasnt prepared for the interview at all. i dont know why i dint bother. its quite scary actually, the fact that i went for a job interview not feeling a tinge of worry,
not until when i was outside the interview room.
then i started to wake up and was like,
OMG. ITS A REAL INTERVIEW.
and started to panic.
i didnt read tru the list of interview tips b4 that.
i didnt go tru lists of questions they were gonna ask.
all i did was,
be myself. (chey mcm paham. but seriously, nil preps except for bringing my certs.)
there were three of them sitting in front of me.
first mistake i did, which i found out after the interview after reading tru some interview tips, was that i placed my arms on the table. HAHAHAHA. can u believe it i actually did that? zomg.
i shook their hands, and dint sit down until i was told. that, i passed. :)
the interviewers had some problems smiling, so i had to do smtg abt it. i made them laughed. plus point? haha.
it went pretty well actually. i left the room feeling,
satisfied,
considering that i had such minimal preperations.
and i got an sms recently saying that they'll be giving me a letter of offer for teaching position. how cool.
aisyah's interview tip #1: be yourself. :):):)
i dont know what shit made me want to join the teaching industry but when i looked at the courses the PDGE (PE) had, it made me excited. :)
career tip #16: find something to do that makes you tick. what makes you tick?
there you go.
like why do i bother waking up at 5am every tuesday to travel all the way to marymount to coach netball to a bunch of annoying p3s for 8 consequtive weeks?
the kids drain and suck the energy out of you butttt..
its the feeling i get when i leave the school after the session.
aww.
hahaha. omg. this is so weird.
i actually have a passion for something other than rowing. HAHAHA.
and talking about rowing.
i dont know whether i want in back.
of cuz definitely i would love to row again.
but looking at the path that i have just paved before me,
i dont know if im able to become the steel-hearted, girl who lost 8kg, determined, passionate, almost crazy, rower that i once was. wait, no. i dont know if i WANT to become that person again.
i know! its scary to say such things. rowing was part of my life for 4 yrs and to say such things is like dumping an ex boyfriend and biting him behind his back. how rude of me! :(
but cormac's pulling me into another sport and hopefully if all goes well, who knows i may be just the next Olympian. HAHAHA.
dont even get me started on silat.
i still have this burning desire to fight.
grr.
my knee's getting muchos better. Alhamdullilah. thank you to every single person who had been there for me. you know who you are :)
what's next?
looking at short term events, the exams are just round the corner. i dont know if its just me but this sem went past a bit too fast. dont u think so? scary.
and next sem is my last sem in nus.
zomg.
i've already planned out my post-exam activities, but not for exams.
i know.
im such a lazy bum bum.
kill me. :(
and i was just thinking,
if theres one thing i want to change in this world,
is for people to stop lying and stop cheating their partners.
spread love, not lies.
oh well.
okok, i shall go back to studying.
check out the vid yea. :)
worth yr 4mins, trust me.
oh and i realised i dint even mention about guys.
pats on my back.
aisyah g.
Monday, November 02, 2009
of lying and getting hurt;
sometimes i wonder if there's a limit to how much a person can cry.
can u really get blind by crying too much?
im worried.
my eyes friggin hurt from too much unnecessary crying.
and they get swollen and red.
and the pain stings.
and when your face is burnt.
and when the tears start rolling down your cheeks.
its like getting a double whammy.
not a good thing.
sometimes, some people are just not worth your tears.
i've come to realise that.
its about time huh.
oh well.
people around me are getting attached.
people i used to date are getting engaged.
no, im not jealous.
not at all.
i dont want to get attached or engaged,
not now.
im happy for them. i really am :)
i just wonder why do i have to go tru so much pain for,
for something i dont even know i can get at the end of this struggle.
and i dont know why im still here fighting,
when i can call it quits anytime i want.
lying is a bad habit.
when u start,
u cant stop.
it goes on and on and on.
i dont even remember lying to you.
i dont think i ever did.
not to say im an angel,
i know the things i say scar you.
but i dont lie to you.
its one thing ive stopped doing,
even after what u did to me.
because i know how much pain is caused when someone lies.
but i just dont understand why you have to lie to me.
its just not fair, isnt it?
i can take any form of pain.
incessant scoldings and harsh words thrown from a particular someone, being unnoticed or insignificant or easily forgotten, i can take and have taken the pain of an acl reconstruction.
but when u lie,
its just,
i dont know.
its even more painful than the 6 months of rehab i had to go tru for my knee.
and u know the post-surgery was the most painful moments in my life.
so can u imagine the damage a lie can cause?
cant be so baaadd! you may think.
because the people whom you love and care for you so dearly has never done it to you.
until u get to taste the pain of being lied to,
you'll never know how it feels like.
even if its some small petty issue.
lying is not a small petty issue.
not to me.
when we were together, i told the world i was with you.
when we broke apart, i was afraid of telling the world what you did to me,
because you were my world.
its not that i dont tell people the good side of you.
its just that u dont know.
i wish you'll just stop lying to me.
that's all i ask for.
can u really get blind by crying too much?
im worried.
my eyes friggin hurt from too much unnecessary crying.
and they get swollen and red.
and the pain stings.
and when your face is burnt.
and when the tears start rolling down your cheeks.
its like getting a double whammy.
not a good thing.
sometimes, some people are just not worth your tears.
i've come to realise that.
its about time huh.
oh well.
people around me are getting attached.
people i used to date are getting engaged.
no, im not jealous.
not at all.
i dont want to get attached or engaged,
not now.
im happy for them. i really am :)
i just wonder why do i have to go tru so much pain for,
for something i dont even know i can get at the end of this struggle.
and i dont know why im still here fighting,
when i can call it quits anytime i want.
lying is a bad habit.
when u start,
u cant stop.
it goes on and on and on.
i dont even remember lying to you.
i dont think i ever did.
not to say im an angel,
i know the things i say scar you.
but i dont lie to you.
its one thing ive stopped doing,
even after what u did to me.
because i know how much pain is caused when someone lies.
but i just dont understand why you have to lie to me.
its just not fair, isnt it?
i can take any form of pain.
incessant scoldings and harsh words thrown from a particular someone, being unnoticed or insignificant or easily forgotten, i can take and have taken the pain of an acl reconstruction.
but when u lie,
its just,
i dont know.
its even more painful than the 6 months of rehab i had to go tru for my knee.
and u know the post-surgery was the most painful moments in my life.
so can u imagine the damage a lie can cause?
cant be so baaadd! you may think.
because the people whom you love and care for you so dearly has never done it to you.
until u get to taste the pain of being lied to,
you'll never know how it feels like.
even if its some small petty issue.
lying is not a small petty issue.
not to me.
when we were together, i told the world i was with you.
when we broke apart, i was afraid of telling the world what you did to me,
because you were my world.
its not that i dont tell people the good side of you.
its just that u dont know.
i wish you'll just stop lying to me.
that's all i ask for.
Saturday, September 05, 2009
today, i made bread pudding for my family for buka. but i forgot to buy ice cream to go along with it. it tasted quite bland, but my mum said it was nice. i dont know if she was just being nice or if she really meant it. :(
last week, i cooked aglio olio! it was so yummy my bro asked me how i cooked it. bangga okay. but the smell of garlic lingered on my fingers for a week. :(
next week, or maybe soon, like next month or something, i think, i will learn how to cook malay food. InsyaAllah. haha! omg cmi. (i learnt a new acronym this week! CMI!)
so how? good enough to get married? trying too hard?
i have a friend who's msn subnick goes smtg like: i cant wait to get married, get out of the house and live with my own future husband!
i dont know what to say, really.
guys simply cant be trusted.
its 2 weeks away to hari raya and i still havent gotten my baju raya. i mean i know its not important to get a new one every yr but alah, im a girl, people will notice right?
hahaha! omg, that is so burok.
school has been pretty okay. ive been revising here and there, ive miraculously become extra rajin by this bit: <---> Alhamdullilah.
oh, and my attempt to increase my attention span has been tremendously successful. i havent been sleeping in class for the past week. Alhamdullilah!
and and and
im gonna prove that forensic science lecturer wrong. im gonna prove to her that you dont have to always sit in front to be an A student. InsyaAllah.
and today, i bought my first ever keeper's gloves. semangat kebabs yo!
im playing soccer tmr. it will be my first ever since my injury. but steve said i should just play keeper. okay lah, at least im on the pitch, and the Arts team needs a keeper anyway.
i just hope i wont get injured, InsyaAllah.
playing with girls wont be that bad, will it?
lets hope not.
we played netball last week and trashed this faculty 33-0 (lets keep the faculty confidential to avoid extreme embarassment) haha. burok seh. my captain was like telling me to give them chance to score, but even with much great effort to try to let them score, they couldn't. i feel bad, really. :(
like how i felt bad when one of my classmates couldnt join us for class gathering cuz i reserved a non halal restaurant for 22 persons. even after i even did a research and tried my best to convince her that the ingredients are all halal only that they are cert-less.
sorry.
i guess this is it for today.
i told yatay that i will keep to my promise not to get attached until i graduate. she snorted.
2 ppl to prove them wrong, bebeh.
i secretly cant wait to train again- netball, rowing, silat, running, whatever. as long as i get to train and be able to complain abt how tough training is, and how much im aching and how tired i am from training. i cant wait!
giler!
memang.
best :)
last week, i cooked aglio olio! it was so yummy my bro asked me how i cooked it. bangga okay. but the smell of garlic lingered on my fingers for a week. :(
next week, or maybe soon, like next month or something, i think, i will learn how to cook malay food. InsyaAllah. haha! omg cmi. (i learnt a new acronym this week! CMI!)
so how? good enough to get married? trying too hard?
i have a friend who's msn subnick goes smtg like: i cant wait to get married, get out of the house and live with my own future husband!
i dont know what to say, really.
guys simply cant be trusted.
its 2 weeks away to hari raya and i still havent gotten my baju raya. i mean i know its not important to get a new one every yr but alah, im a girl, people will notice right?
hahaha! omg, that is so burok.
school has been pretty okay. ive been revising here and there, ive miraculously become extra rajin by this bit: <---> Alhamdullilah.
oh, and my attempt to increase my attention span has been tremendously successful. i havent been sleeping in class for the past week. Alhamdullilah!
and and and
im gonna prove that forensic science lecturer wrong. im gonna prove to her that you dont have to always sit in front to be an A student. InsyaAllah.
and today, i bought my first ever keeper's gloves. semangat kebabs yo!
im playing soccer tmr. it will be my first ever since my injury. but steve said i should just play keeper. okay lah, at least im on the pitch, and the Arts team needs a keeper anyway.
i just hope i wont get injured, InsyaAllah.
playing with girls wont be that bad, will it?
lets hope not.
we played netball last week and trashed this faculty 33-0 (lets keep the faculty confidential to avoid extreme embarassment) haha. burok seh. my captain was like telling me to give them chance to score, but even with much great effort to try to let them score, they couldn't. i feel bad, really. :(
like how i felt bad when one of my classmates couldnt join us for class gathering cuz i reserved a non halal restaurant for 22 persons. even after i even did a research and tried my best to convince her that the ingredients are all halal only that they are cert-less.
sorry.
i guess this is it for today.
i told yatay that i will keep to my promise not to get attached until i graduate. she snorted.
2 ppl to prove them wrong, bebeh.
i secretly cant wait to train again- netball, rowing, silat, running, whatever. as long as i get to train and be able to complain abt how tough training is, and how much im aching and how tired i am from training. i cant wait!
giler!
memang.
best :)
Friday, August 28, 2009
if you ever had thoughts of cheating on ur partner, think again.
the repurcussions of cheating is awful.
you'll regret.
you apologize.
you seek forgiveness.
they forgive.
but they will never, ever forget.
if youve never been cheated on,
you'll never know what it feels like to have your heart ripped into two and you cant do anything to piece them back together. and healing takes a long, long time.
you'll never know what it feels to tell yourself over and over again that you hate that person but you know deep inside you still do love that person so much, you cant decide, you go crazy. you get depressed. and you allow them to destroy your life,
just like that.
and it takes months, and probably a yr or two to totally forget about that person,
maybe never.
you tell yourself you're strong.
when ur world inside crumbles beneath the facade ure hiding.
you date around pretending its okay,
when its not.
when you cheat,
you know you cant turn back time,
you know they dont trust you anymore
and you gotta work extra hard to gain that back.
when you cheat,
its a life of a person u once loved u take away.
and sometimes,
u'll never get back that person u once knew.
if you love someone, love that person wholeheartedly.
if youre not willing to,
dont go breaking people's heart.
its not a nice thing to do,
really.
cuz life feeds back truth in its own ways and time.
trust me.
the repurcussions of cheating is awful.
you'll regret.
you apologize.
you seek forgiveness.
they forgive.
but they will never, ever forget.
if youve never been cheated on,
you'll never know what it feels like to have your heart ripped into two and you cant do anything to piece them back together. and healing takes a long, long time.
you'll never know what it feels to tell yourself over and over again that you hate that person but you know deep inside you still do love that person so much, you cant decide, you go crazy. you get depressed. and you allow them to destroy your life,
just like that.
and it takes months, and probably a yr or two to totally forget about that person,
maybe never.
you tell yourself you're strong.
when ur world inside crumbles beneath the facade ure hiding.
you date around pretending its okay,
when its not.
when you cheat,
you know you cant turn back time,
you know they dont trust you anymore
and you gotta work extra hard to gain that back.
when you cheat,
its a life of a person u once loved u take away.
and sometimes,
u'll never get back that person u once knew.
if you love someone, love that person wholeheartedly.
if youre not willing to,
dont go breaking people's heart.
its not a nice thing to do,
really.
cuz life feeds back truth in its own ways and time.
trust me.
Monday, August 24, 2009
an average person's attention span is this much:
<----------------------------------------------------------------->
recently, i discovered mine:
<-->
my aim is to bring it up to within this week:
<------->
bit by bit become big.
sikit sikit lama lama jadi bukit.
fasting makes u stronger,
a bit thirsty, yes, no doubt.
but stronger, definitely.
my brain just cant seem to accept that.
why oh why.
it cant be the setans cuz they're all chained up.
or is it cuz im old.
and weak.
then what, seriously, really, making me feel so so so so tired these days?
whats up with the world mama?
sticks out lower lip. je-back :(
<----------------------------------------------------------------->
recently, i discovered mine:
<-->
my aim is to bring it up to within this week:
<------->
bit by bit become big.
sikit sikit lama lama jadi bukit.
fasting makes u stronger,
a bit thirsty, yes, no doubt.
but stronger, definitely.
my brain just cant seem to accept that.
why oh why.
it cant be the setans cuz they're all chained up.
or is it cuz im old.
and weak.
then what, seriously, really, making me feel so so so so tired these days?
whats up with the world mama?
sticks out lower lip. je-back :(
Friday, August 21, 2009
if 65% of my brain goes to school, whereby 30% goes to health lab, 15% to developmental psych, 10% to PID, 5% goes to planet earth and forensic science each because they are not core modules, and the remaining 20% of my brain is geared towards YOG, 10% to my jobs as a personal trainer, a bootcamp instructor and a netball coach, with 33.33% each, and lets say i have 5% left for other nagging issues in my life, put them altogether they'll add up to 100% of my brain usage. if this goes on, i think i need another brain and another body, before my body crumbles and my brain deteriorates.
i need another Saiyidah Aisyah.
its not the money or fame im chasing.
graduate, get that degree, and then what?
honestly, i dont know what im chasing.
not even guys.
how do i even fit them into my life?
you tell me.
lets pray that this Ramadhan bring some good in our lives.
InsyaAllah.
i need another Saiyidah Aisyah.
its not the money or fame im chasing.
graduate, get that degree, and then what?
honestly, i dont know what im chasing.
not even guys.
how do i even fit them into my life?
you tell me.
lets pray that this Ramadhan bring some good in our lives.
InsyaAllah.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
sorry,
but i dont do this thing called trust anymore.
if i choose to trust, i choose love. and love means im prepared to get hurt.
honestly, im not prepared.
yes, i am a coward, but i dont want my heart to go tru whats its been thru again and again.
i told u this already.
im telling u again.
im waiting,
but im not ready.
---
its 7am lah dei. im waiting to go to school so i sempatzzz masok sini update, since i havent been doing so since 6 july. and of all the times in the world i have to update, i choose to do so this very morning.
i thought abt things ppl dont usually think about early in the morning. my brain works in ways i just couldnt fathom.
sometimes ppl worry cuz i dont think.
but sometimes i worry cuz i think waaaaayyy too much.
school's being a bitch, even though it just started.
i've been soooo looking forward to school, but i dont know why i just cant stay awake in lectures.
whats friggin wrong with me.
i feel like doing what my race does best, which is to quit school.
but its already my 3rd and final yr. i'll be such a loser if i give up now.
so tell me, what keeps you awake in class?
share your secrets. spill.
come on.
I NEED TO WAKE UP MY IDEA.
okay, off to school i go.
taa.
but i dont do this thing called trust anymore.
if i choose to trust, i choose love. and love means im prepared to get hurt.
honestly, im not prepared.
yes, i am a coward, but i dont want my heart to go tru whats its been thru again and again.
i told u this already.
im telling u again.
im waiting,
but im not ready.
---
its 7am lah dei. im waiting to go to school so i sempatzzz masok sini update, since i havent been doing so since 6 july. and of all the times in the world i have to update, i choose to do so this very morning.
i thought abt things ppl dont usually think about early in the morning. my brain works in ways i just couldnt fathom.
sometimes ppl worry cuz i dont think.
but sometimes i worry cuz i think waaaaayyy too much.
school's being a bitch, even though it just started.
i've been soooo looking forward to school, but i dont know why i just cant stay awake in lectures.
whats friggin wrong with me.
i feel like doing what my race does best, which is to quit school.
but its already my 3rd and final yr. i'll be such a loser if i give up now.
so tell me, what keeps you awake in class?
share your secrets. spill.
come on.
I NEED TO WAKE UP MY IDEA.
okay, off to school i go.
taa.
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