Thursday, January 25, 2007
bangla!
Saturday, January 13, 2007
inno
Nad's birthday was on 7th january and i didnt even leave her a birthday message on the phone nor did i give her a call. my phone was down and i couldnt get her number. if you're reading this, nad, im sorry and happy belated birthday. i promise to get u something to make up for my lousiness as a friend.
sometimes, i hate myself for making empty promises. sometimes, i should just SHUT UP.
its already the 13th of jan and i havent written my new year resolutions. its bothering me badly. its not like i would actually look into it again but writing resolutions supposed to make u feel prepared and organised, setting goals and having targets, having purposes and stuff like that. but no. everytime i attempt to start on new year resolution number one, i'll fall asleep.
and im deprived of sleep.
have u seen my eye bags lately? from bowling bags to sling bags, now my eyes wanna have haversacks too. competitive yo.
after 3 weeks since i joined my dad's company, i've only attended work for 6 days. i swear they think im a big, lazy ass slacker but whenever i go to work im freaking efficient. thats why i think they want me back. hur hur.
i just came back from another camp with innotrek. 3 days 2 nights at raffles marina. and wow wow wee surprisingly raffles marina is located neither at rafffles nor marina but at tuas. weather was bad. it rained throughout the 3 days. the kids had to evacuate from their tents in the middle of the 1st night to move to the carpark to sleep. it was the first time i slept on the hard cold floor of a carpark. but 2nd night was good cuz we get to sleep in the gym where the yoga mats were soft and snuggly and my sleeping bag was so comfy and the gym temperature was almost perfect. campsite was good cuz its in a freaking country club so we get to shower in warm water, use the members toilet. haha. best. the kids were great. my class won the most improved class. (hey, my group won again.) and im so proud of them. there were the tough times and the challenges along the way like having a hearing impaired boy in my class (whom i find really cute.) but eventually, everything went fine and the experience i took home was like no other. the best thing about being a camp instructor is to see the smiles on the faces of the kids, giving u that sense of satisfaction and achievement. but the awful thing is that the bond that we built can only stay for 3 days and nomore than that. after the camp, whatever bond i have with the kids disappear as though it never existed. anyhow, i had so much fun. despite the lack of sleep, the stress we had to go thru and everything else. thus, the eye bags. no, eye haversacks.
sometimes i love myself for being able to do this kind of stuff. haha.
but i still hate myself for being so fickle, lazy and weak. and im supposed to row but camps have been making me sick. and awfully exhausted. i wanna row and get back into shape. get a nice tan and gain back my muscles. i miss being fit. i miss being strong. sad thing is: i miss being called buff. now im being called fat. fat is like the ultimate. fat is like sad. fat is.. aiya. donno what im saying.
thats why i guess right now to me the new year resolution i owe myself is very important cuz i really need to prioritize everything i do. and i need to make up my mind and get my ass working.
Happy Birthday to everyone who's celebrating their birthdays on Jan.
love, Aisyah :)
Sunday, January 07, 2007
camphO!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
work!
i had camp a few days before that. the camp instructor job ive been dying for. i was supposed to attend the 5 days camp but i managed to go only for 2 days and im very sure hans, the boss, isnt very happy so im so dead meat but please hans, dont kill me now cuz i dont want to die fat. let me lose these babbats around my waists and thighs first and then u can kill me. and yes, im fat. i went for this stupid fat test which i think was some stupid hoax cuz i dont think my body fat percentage could be that high and they weighed me and its like 3 kg more than usual. so they're just trying to sell what they sell which is this stupid nutrition shake and sorry guys i dont believe in nutrition shakes cuz im a lazy ass and the only way i can lose weight is to row and run. not drink some nutrition shake and lose weight and btw im too broke to even top up my ticket. so ur 300 dollars nutrition shake is just not for me and thanks for taking your time to explain to me that im fat. now everyone knows that im actually fat.
but the camp at orchid country club was good. i had fun. i get to mingle around with filthy rich kindergarten kids. some of them were really adorable tempts u to kidnap them. but theres a handful of them who were so bloody pampered they get on your nerves, jump around and break them. but overall i had fun even tho it was only 2 days. i wish i had went for more tho. the first day which was a tuesday the day singapore experienced the 24 hr rain. stupid rain. i was sitting at the back of the pick up truck with naomi and we got so wet under the rain. i fell sick the next day. thanks, rain. and speaking about rain, i cant get that rain song out of my head which goes something like, "rain is coming tru the rooftop." and his stupid music video. and i hear it and i see him wherever i go and he's not even cute, please.
then there was the outing with 402 on the same day of that stupid rainy day. they cancelled the bbq so we slacked at vlee's condo. food was little but good. thanks girls for cooking for us. hahaha. u dont expect me to cook, do you? then vlee took over and did the rest of the cooking, while we watched saw 3. i had the urge to tell everyone the story but i refrained myself from getting kicked out of the room. haha. i love my friends. lets have another outing. melvin, do your job. :)
talking about outings. im supposed to plan the 203 outing but i just cant find the time. sorry guys. i'll trrry okay. trying.
so next week's gonna be pretty short. christmas party on monday with mommy, habibosaurus and sayang. tuesday's work. wednesday's gonna be the camp im so looking forward to. and the rest of the days gonna be work work work. work like a log. log cakes. haha. i havent used up my amore spa and class vouchers. i havent visited the dentist for ages. saturday- soccer and bbq. sigh. then 2006 will be over. and tada, its the new year and u start writing these new year resolutions u never look back into throughout the year. maybe u do but its just me. i dont. i look back once in a while and laugh. like last year i wished that i would lose weight this year and no i havent. sad thing. and i havent written my reflections too. my mirror is kinda piled up with dust. im such a lazy asshole. and im allergic to dust anyway. so i cant reflect right now. i'll find time and reflect okay. but i dont wanna reflect myself cuz i dont wanna see my eyebrows. they're different, in size and shape. itchy hands. dont ever pluck your own eyebrows. dont say aisyah didnt warn you. and yup. thats it i guess.
and if ure reading this and u suddenly miss me, i miss you too.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Saturday, December 09, 2006
asian games
i have a dream.
Friday, December 08, 2006
PROM!
cuz i spent a litttttle too much. little bit. just like a few hundred too much. hahaha. forget it. we forgive and forget. okay. haha. sorry mummy. when i get a job, i'll give u all my money. haha. im a terrible daughter, i swear.
anyway, yes, so prom was good. prom was like mass photo taking day. no one really bothered about the performances and the lucky draw (i was so on about the lucky draw lah but as usual i'll didnt win anything). ritz was gorgeous, but i prefer fullerton tho. and please, oh please, the food sucks. i dont know why we had to pay $90 for that kind of food. (yes, to all other people from other jcs out there, we paid $90! so stop complaining!) id rather pay $90 to al-ameen to serve my dinner. my table was muslim food for super obvious reasons. and they served like little little dishes to us one by one, like minute dishes, like really tiny plates. and they had to serve seafood cuz they know i hate seafood and they just had to cuz its like if its muslim, it has to be seafood, like muslim food = seafood, muslim = sea. like that. grar. i attempted to eat the prawns and i dont like them. i didnt touch the fish sambal, and half of my seafood fried noodles was filled with prawns. and yes, if u havent got the point yet, I DESPISE SEAFOOD. yuck. so yes its my fault that i dont like seafood and im complaining abt the food but it seems that im not alone to agree abt the bad bad BAD food but okay so the desert was nice but THATS IT? like i can put the whole piece of strawberry pudding into my mouth. THATS IT?
grar. food was so so disappointing.
but lets get on shall we?
yes. i did my hair and make up at lucky plaza. my friend couldnt make it last minute so i had to spend on hair and make up and i looked like hantu that day. my face was 24596038 times whiter than usual. i could have promoted ginvera's whitening lotion on that day or something and ppl will surely buy. i like my hair tho. wee. curly wurly. then the make up artist said i looked like ning baizura, which reminded me of a really funny incident at marsiling mrt quite some time ago when a mat said i looked like ning baizura and was wooing me and yes, i ignored him. and surprisingly, khairul said i looked like ning too. ning-geling-geling. nyahaha. i think i look white, thats all. white and gigantic. hello. my shoes were 3 inch high lah please. i adore them. :)
so, yes. i waited for zakiah and her cab cuz it was raining like horses and cows. zak was wearing shades and a jacket cuz she had to travel by public transport. haha. this was the first picture i took on that day!
okay. so i have a thing going on with my body guard. haha.
it was exciting cuz u get to take pictures with random people like that guy who u thought was cute but u never talked to before, or that school hunk, or the sportsboy of the year, or mr flirtatious! anyone lahhh. hahaha. more pics! more pics! oh and im sorry im plain lazy to crop them so yea, ENJOY!
suria celebs attending the pesta perdana. haha! - tetiey. zakiah. khairul.
andrea was wearing 6 inch platforms, please. or was it 9 inch?
hazri and i love his white blazer.
arina. she looked gorgeous that night. :)
bonnie. who saved my life after my cam decided not to work.
my beautiful classmates- deb. pj. christelle. ethel.
sorry i look like a giant. :(
quincy. national golfer. hot stuff i tell you :)
rox and sam- more beautiful classmates of mine.
handsome hashim.
pearlly.
and look at bonnie in the background! hehe.
oh i had the same trouble too. tug here tug there. sorry lah my boobs are like tiny. haha. and i still have more pictures but i havent got them with me yet.
so, after prom there was the after prom party at dxo but i didnt go cuz my mum didnt allow me. so i went to cineleisure instead to watch Happy Feet and yes, ppl were staring at maybe cuz i look like a hantu and it was 12 midnight. haha.
yayness. seniors night -down and over with.
and i heard adeel was prom king for Innova and yuhao for Anderson! wah! my friends! im so lucky to be their friends! wah!! (eh hello? can u spare me the limelight?) hahaha. im so proud of them! weeee...
now im desperately seeking for a job cuz i need to return money to my brother who spared some cash for my dress, and to pay my bills and to give my mum. shittos. i dint thought finding a job will be THIS hard. when u've got a lobang, dont be selfish, share it with me, dont cover it up okay. haha.
and i wanna go ESCAPE just because its $6. weeee.
now im back to the brownish aisyah. no more whitening lotion. :)
Thursday, November 30, 2006
pgl
yay. the puteri gunung ledang musical at esplanade was exciting. the response for sure was overwhelming. the audience were dressed so glamorously i felt so bloody underdressed. i was clad in a green top i bought eons ago and a knee length white skirt like going to causeway point while the makciks and pakciks were in glam and glitter, in those RH fashion baju kurungs or hejab iran jubahs or anglia shirts and please, the rahimah rahim serkop slash sarban slash beehive slash entah apa lah ikat sini ikat sana simpul here and there twist and turn ur tudung become like turban. but oh well. it was still exciting tho. and my seats were sooo worth the cost. i was seating smack right in the middle of the foyer seats. or was it the stalls. i cant remember but it was the $60 tix. damn middle lah. haha. perfect view. splendid.
the direction, the set design, the music, the staging, the everything lah...wah best. power. kencang. haha. and the guys were hot stuff. dressed in those kebaya half thingies what they call it. haha. i mean hello if ure the guy u would say, oh tiara looks hot. haha. i dont find Stephen Rahman-Hughes as hang tuah that cute. but his voice - im sorry hady, ur lagenda was legend. AC Mizal played his role the best, i think. when he got angry and he shouted, it was scary, really scary. and not forgetting Tiara Jacquelina. she was perfect. no less than that. and her name was, (wah longer than mine): Gusti Puteri Retno Dumilah. i like.
anyway im too lazy to write about everything lah. if u missed it then too bad. but i didnt like the storyline tho. hmph. anyway, after the show i queued up for the autograph session (i know, SEMANGAT!) and i managed to get some pictures with my lousy quality VGA phone. so check them out! but who cares. exciting!! LOOK:
the name cannot angkat, please.
exciting event #02
the indon, filipino and ang moh. haha.
and this is our attempt to smile without showing our teeth. :)
exciting event #03
and yesterday i received a letter from the air force. i was sooooo excited and i expected a rejection letter but then...
ngantuk. gotta sleeep. must run. lose wt den go find a dress. yes, i havent found a dress yet. with no money cuz im just too lazy to find a job, i regretted paying $90 for that prom night. grar. cuz it doesnt include dress cost, shoe cost, handbag cost, accesories cost, hair and make up and taxi fare. and shopping with no money is not fun, trust me. go sleep. i still have eye bags from the stupid Alevels. go away.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
pictures
aisyah + syahir = aisyahir. collio-ho.
aisyah + shaheen = aisyaheen. forever. :)
ac perbayu laydees buka puasa together.
amaria + aisyah = amaria + aisyah. hahaha.
april 20 babies. he's my twin!
nice right? haha. i loik. im gonna photoshop some more. exciting nyerr :D
Monday, November 20, 2006
after As
Saturday, November 11, 2006
As!!!
my As are halfway done.
GP was like susah giler nak semampos mampos nyer. the essay was okay but the compre was like *screams* TAIK! nak mampos. mengarut. ergh. giler. bacin. ARGH.
then there was the "move one, aisyah" phase.
maths was (ehem) pretty okay. (beams) tough, i have to admit but more doable than prelims. its the only paper i feel confident about. but hey, not holding my hopes so high up in the dark grey sky, but okay, gotta have confidence. ehh, what mengarut things am i saying?
anyway, physical geog was...like that. like rocks. like water. like earth and air. i was kinda sad to end the paper cuz, i love physical geog. i love Hortonian overland flow and hydrographs and Rossby waves and ITCZ and plate tectonics and crustal plates. seriously. i do. *WHACK*
so next week, 4 papers more, 3 more days and on thursday, 16th november 2006, (take note in your calender: 16.11.06 - aisyah declares holiday for the world!!! only applies to those ppl i like. the rest of u like rude taxi drivers and scary consturction workers who thinks im an indonesian maid or srilankan rower (like hello? sri lanka?), im sorry, u guys have to work okay?) saiyidah aisyah binte mohamed rafa'ee will taste the air of freedom which she has deprived herself of for the past month or so.
i so so bloody cant wait.
chant with me, freedom! liberty! merdeka!!!! freedom! liberty! merdeka!!!
ergh. gp. the epitome of mengarutnesssss...
eh, i signed up for the air force like eons ago and they (finally) called me this morning. okay, i know what u guys are thinking. like WHAT'S AISYAH'S THINKING!? the air force is like impossibleismo! alah, just wanna try my lucky luck luck lahh. anyway the call yes, firstly i almost hung up cuz i tot the guy was calling the wrong number... swathiya? sawaidiyah? i had to ask, "is it saiyidah?" (rolls eyes) then he was asking my ht and wt and *gasps* my eyesight. oh no. i had to tell him the truth. so i said around 500 but not sure how much and he was like, "oh ok then thats all i need." then i was sad for the rest of the day. i really was.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
?
Friday, September 01, 2006
post exams
hady made my heart melt.
joakim's out! i kinda respect him for being able to tolerate the humiliation bear upon him. the determination i see in his performances week after week even tho he well, honestly speaking, suck. but i can see him work hard. and never showing signs of giving up. that's what i look up to, bebeh. that's what i respect.
oh and i bought ben & jerry's the bar for myself after my last exam paper. sometimes u have to pamper yourself, u know. and i watched so many movies i lost count! lemme see:
- in her shoes is a must watch cuz it made me cry and smile at the same time
- i watched she's the man twice!!
- pride & prejudice (i know like WHAAT?) made me fall asleep
- spiderman2 and kingdom of heaven is okaay. i know its like archaic. goes to show how much ive been missing out in life. nyaha.
wow. life is so good without exams i swear.
and im watching the same movie next week! dont ask why.
its the beauty of divorce.
Friday, August 18, 2006
prelims week one
the most hilarious music video ive ever watched. :)
Thursday, August 03, 2006
exams
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
asian junior and merlion 2006
i wrote an entry a few hours ago but i was in a rush so i found it a little insincere which is unfair because i want to tell the world what great fun i had for the past 10 days. yep. last week could have been the greatest week in 2006. nothing can beat my week. wanna bet?
for the past 10 days,
- i have been waking up every morning smiling at the tot that i dont have to drag my way to school. i know its not good to not like school but really, i dont like school at all.
- i wake up smiling also because i think about the guys i get to see for the day. haha. i know its stupid, but true. imagine waking up one morning KNOWING that u get to see the hottest asian guys right before your eyes and that u know everyone of them and they know you and they're like your friends and like u just want your friends to know them too. hey, i lived with that for the past 10 days. :)
- i have been travelling to and fro my training centre without complaining. and actually i enjoyed going to the rowing centre everyday.
for the past 10 days, i realised,
- life is so damn bloody good without school.
- i can still get sun burnt. despite my already almost black skin. its 99.91238% black now. and my shoulders are peeling. ouch.
- i look like im from any other country except singapore. HAH.
- some guy #1 thought i was from indonesia.
- another guy #2 thought i was from sri lanka. thanks ahhh.
- michael wong, the hk team manager, (u get to see his pict below!) thought i was from pakistan.
- the indon team manager thought i was from malaysia.
- kazakhstan rowers cant speak english for nuts. and they're the most unfriendliest rowers among the rest.
- north korean rowers like to use my body foam and shampoo without my permission. i caught them red-handed. but they're still using my stuff. and now my shampoo is missing.
- singapore junior team only has 2 members. me and my brother. woohoo. we did spore proud, babeh.
- hongkong guys are cute in average, according to steph and eileen (who were incharge of tshirt selling drg the competition). and their legs are big and chunky and they have nice lean bods to look at. but they like to stare at girls like, really stare.
- chinese taipei girls are omg-ly so handsome! syahir said im turning lesbian. oh no! but they're REALLY hot stuff. hehe.
- the indons and malaysian rowers became my closest friends. and they're the ones i miss the most. :)
- korea always produces the tallest and biggest guys. and they cant talk english either. so its not fun. haha.
- i met tall jap guys which is quite rare cuz jap guys are usually not so tall. and jap girls are known for being short but bloody strong. the jap girl in my race is almost half my height but her legs are as big (even bigger!!) than mine and she came in 3rd for my race. WHOA.
- kiran's from pakistan and she's like the most gorgeous rower ive ever seen (check out her pict below!) and *gasp* she's only 14. i beat her in 2 of my races but then again she's only 14. and we chat alot. hehe. :)
- srilankans are okay ppl. they're a big group so usually they spent most of their time together.
- im way behind school work.
- im so dead.
- prelims is in 4 weeks. OMG.
so the Asian Junior and Merlion Rowing Championships are over. and i wanna do it all over again already. hmph. im so sad cuz its back to my normal life. baah. anyway, i had LOADS of fun, LOADS of souvenirs and made LOADS of friends from all around asia! wee.
ok. so my races weren't so bad. i was in junior women singles (JW1X). the race is 2000m long. thats why my senior once told me that rowing is one of the craziest sport cuz it makes u have a taste of how it feels like to be on the verge of dying. and i know she's not exaggerating. lemme give u a breakdown of a 2000m rowing race:
- before the race, u get to meet your opponents. if they look big strong and scary. then good luck to you. haha.
- at the starting point, if u know the boat holder then thats good cuz u get to have a little chat with them which makes u feel less tension and they might help u with your boat direction.
- the starting part is always the scariest cuz its the most important. scary opponents like those from north korea and thailand tend to shout before the race. u try to ignore them but u cant cuz they're right next to you! and u shouldnt ask me shy they shout. cuz i dont do it myself. hah. yea. the start determines who gets a head start.
- the first 250m is okay. u wont feel tired cuz all u'll be thinking about is sprinting and getting the boat moving.
- after 250m, u'll feel a little tired. and thinking that u have another 1750m more to go makes it worse.
- 500m to 1000m is when lethargy starts to creep in. its only 500m but on water it feels like forever. bad water conditions makes it worse.
- once u reach 1000m, u have 1000m more to go. but usually u tell urself u only have 1000m more instead of oh no, 1000m. get it? hah.
- 1000m to 15000m is the WORST part of the race cuz thats when ur mind starts to go numb, ur legs start to feel like SHIT and u think of nothing but to want the race to end. this is the part when u start to think of things like, why the hell u joined rowing and this is when i say i feel like DYING, i really mean it. but then again, this is the part where u mustn't give up cuz if u do, u're finished.
- the last 500m has to be do or die.
- at the final 250m, my coach always tells me to look down and count 30 strokes. and when u hear the finishing horn u know u're saved from death.
- ahhh. the bliss of rowing. 8 to 10 mins of pleasure. if u know of a crazier sport, do tell me. i'll let u try rowing. :)
my first heat was with pakistan, srilanka and chinese taipei. i came in 2nd which made me end up in the repercharge with japan, srilanka and indonesia. i came in 2nd again. but i qualified to be in final A which means im in top 5 in asia! woohoo. for the finals, i knew i didnt had any chance to win anything and that thought was my biggest mistake. it was the worst race among all my races for the competition. and not only was i last, i was way last, like almost 20 to 30seconds away from the 2nd last. im very disappointed with myself cuz many people had faith in me that i could actually beat a boat or 2. but i dint had any faith in myself and thats where i was so so wrong. sigh.
oh, btw thanks to liyana for helping me prepare for my races. she gave me loads of advice on how to get prepared and stay focus and yea, u know the usuals. yea. it helped me ALOT cuz im that type who gets really nervous before the race and i'll cock everything up and regret so this time i was more confident and look where it had brought me to. 5th in asia leyyy. haha. thanks babe. love u loads.
thanks to raihan (my 2nd coach) who's only useful during competitions because he gives me the BEST prep talks before my races. and he asks for money after every advice he gives. bloody hell. but he had been a great help and moral booster. but thats abt all he's useful for. haha. kidding. :)
thanks to arina and ama and hashim and hassa who came all the way to pandan to support me! but i dint do well for the race they watched so i was quite paiseh. and i cried in front of them. eh, so malu la can. anyway, im really happy that they were there. love u babes and ur hunks. haha.
then, Asian Junior ended and the next competition was Merlion 2006. which was only 1000m long. i participated in the lightweight women category. my opponents were hongkong, thailand, kazakhstan and malaysia. and this is when i lost to kazakhstan and beat the rest and clinched the silver medal. yay. im proud of myself. thats why today, i trated myself to ben and jerry's chunky monkey and maple pecan cereal crunch. wee.
check out the picts kay.
welcome to my 3rd home :)
singapore junior team: my brother and i.
ms. oh-so-beautiful-pakistan-rower (kiran) and me
and extra malaysian guy at the back.
my ex-rowing partner, shuying.
she looks hot and sexy. :)
i came in second for the lightweight women singles category!
all those dieting and training was worth the while.
1st: kazakhstan 2nd: singapore 3rd:hongkong
and thats my rowing president in black and kazakhstan coach in red.
indon junior rowers. damn fun people.
(check out the hot one on the far left.)
booyah!
the babes and their hunks who came and supported me.
they wanted to hug me even tho i was drenched with sweat.
thats me and my darling.
his name is empacher. he's long, smooth and fast.
and this is how i row on him. wee!
top from left: my romanian coach, my senior rower (elsie) and 2nd coach (raihan).
bottom: syahir, me and nina (raihan's girlfriend)!
michael wong- the hot hongkong team manager with eileen and steph.
mimin on the katamaran.
in case you're wondering how a 4- boat looks like.
thats the hong kong girls in their quads.
thats me at the starting pontoon. minutes before the race.
and check out the waves.
rowing is not as easy as u think ;)
eh, more pics at www.sara.org.sg there's like 300 picts there and more to be uploaded.
im gonna turn on my mug mood to full power now. thats it, i guess. no more rowing until next year. WAH. i miss everyone already. oh no! im suffering from rowing withdrawal syndrome! no more waking up smiling in the morning. no more weekend trainings. no more hot guys to look at. haha. but u know what me, steph and eileen concluded? after seeing all those asian rowers, we think that singapore guys cannot make it and we're sad. khehe. c'mon guys, prove to us that we're wrong. :)
now i know why i dint quit rowing and now i know why i wouldn't. :)
singapore boleh, babeh!!!
Sunday, June 25, 2006
june hols.
beef iskender with yoghurt $7. i like.
shaheen with mr oh so adorable and his oh so funny ice cream tricks
there u go. told u he's oh so adorable.
okok. i gotta go now. my mummy wanna use this laptop and i gotta iron my clothes for tmr. oh no! SCHOOL'S BACK. ergh.
The Visa Story
So, I'm kinda tired of explaining this visa thing over and over again. I know people are interested to know what's going on with my ...
-
So, I'm kinda tired of explaining this visa thing over and over again. I know people are interested to know what's going on with my ...
-
so its my fault that im tall . so its my fault that im in netball and rowing . so its my fault that i dont go for rowing when i go for netba...
-
I thought I needed to pen down my feelings here. I feel like my emotions are all cooped up in my head, I feel like I'm gonna explode so...