hello 2011.

so ive decided to selit (selit was the word for the day on 31st dec 2010) this period of time right now, for some ME time. im giving myself about 20mins or so, put my iphone on silent, close all other windows and tabs on my lappy, shut the room door, stop the music playing from my itunes and sit on the edge of my bed (because 90% of my bed is occupied, you'll find out later on), fingers on the keyboard, ready to type away.

here goes.

2011 New Year Resolution.
what is it. how do i intend to acheive it. and how badly i want it.

1. i will be less fickle minded.
im not promising myself to not be fickle minded at all because i know its impossible. so bit by bit lamer lamer jadi bukit. i will make decisions fast and not annoy people with my indecisiveness. unless its syahir, i will be fickle minded just to annoy the shit out of him. thats what little brothers are for. if being asked "berms or shorts" i will answer either berms or shorts and not give a choice which is not provided like jeans or tights, worse still, ask a question back like "what colour is the berms? the shorts?". on a serious note, if being put in a situation to choose between "money or passion" or "teach or coach" or "quit or stay", i dont know how im gonna do it but like they always say, "follow what your heart says". i know its bullshit when u follow what your heart says because your heart cant speak, it only pumps blood and unless you have a stethoscope you cant really listen to it. in secondary school biology, we learnt that the heart makes a "lub dub" sound. if "lub dub" sounds like "yes, aisyah, you should quit" then quit, but if "lub dub" sounds more like "dont quit, dumbass" then do what your heart says. right? in fact, to make things clear, "following yr heart" is another way of saying, "im sorry i cant help you there just decide for yourself okay? youre all alone now. if you make the wrong choice you only have yourself to blame. HAH."
when decisions are made, i will not look back and regret. fight for what you stand for, even if it means fighting for it alone. awesome.

2. i will procrastinate lesser.
i will get things done asap so workload wont pile up like mt everest at the end of the day. i am going to acheive this by limiting myself to 15mins of fb a day, 30mins max if needed. when doing work, i will not distract myself with other things like planning for my next holiday or researching on where to eat later for dinner. all these can be done after work is completed. if work is not completed then too bad, suck thumb and cry. i will not let work pile up because it can be a bitch when deadlines are near. and i will not let work pile up because im a teacher and im supposed to set a good example. macam paham, i like.

3. i will be awesome at my job.
whichever job i decide on once i've succeeded in fulfilling my first resolution in making decisions, i will be awesome in it. i will like my job. i will love my job. i will not want to exchange it with anything else. insyaAllah.

4. i will train hard.
because i want to be in the SEA GAMES so badly i can die. i want to bring home another medal for singapore. i want to hear the Majulah Singapura play when the national flag is being risen. that means the medal has to be of a certain colour. i will train so hard i'll be so hard to beat. insyaAllah.

5. i will learn to love and trust.
i dont know how i'll do it, but im hoping i will be able to find out how to soon and im praying so hard that when i do, i wont get hurt again. (dengar tu)

6. i will spend less and save more.
i will not buy things i dont need like Havainas slippers. i will save because i want to fulfill my dreams of travelling the world before i get married. i will save up for an awesome trip to Europe or the States after i acheive resolution #04. i will save because i want to bring my mum to places she'll love to go to, like Masjid India, to buy tudung. im kidding. i'll bring her to Spain because when I was little, we almost went to Spain but we were short of cash.

7. i will make a difference.
i am a donor for the singapore heart society but ive never actually believed in helping others by providing money because you dont really know where the money goes to. i will find other means to help the less fortunate, insyaAllah. with that i will stop giving the excuse of "TOO BUSY" to make things happen. bullshit, we're never too busy, only lousy time management. (wah, in your face, aisyah. too much self help books, i see. good! splurging $90 on books at Prologue wasnt a bad idea after all!)

bual sorang siak.

8. i will friggin clean up my room.
because it looks like this now:

its not like im proud of it but really. my bed is just a oh so tempting place to put things on eventually it becomes a storage area! and plus the gazillions of bantals i have on my bed which i dont even use when i sleep omg God save me and my bed!

(did my saham just fell by 60% by posting that photo? hahahaha!) at least im honest! thus resolution #09 is...

9. i will be honest.

no more lying to my clients about not being able to make it for training just cuz im friggin lazy, unless of cuz im really shagged and i deserve a break. but laziness doesnt apply. no more lying to my mum about where i go and who i go out with because i have REALLY BAD MEMORY and lying requires you to remember stuff you lie about. and lying is childish anyway. honesty is the best policy, yo. lesser dosa also. i want to go to Heaven.

10. i will be closer to God.

like what i wrote in FB, because with Him, i know that whatever obstacles i face, no matter how hard, will be possible. insyaAllah. :)

Amin.

10 reasons why I should quit.

10. I hate the thought of waking up early to go to school instead of training.
9. I heard the school bell and cringe.
8. I stepped into the empty staff room, loving it empty.
7. I pulled out my lappy, plugged in my headphones and minded my own business, although i hear other teachers walk in and out. im a loner, i like it that way.
6. I attempted to finish up my slides but ended up searching about other non-work-related things like Rowing and Holidays and OTHER JOB OPPORTUNITIES. and this is not the first time.
5. I emailed my HOD to ask her to sign my leave for my trip to KL next week and she replied telling me that theres a staff meeting next week and I might not be able to go for the trip.

i know. i feel like crying.

4. I want to go to the Coaches Conference in UK next Jan, I want to go for the training camp in Australia in March, and I dont want to go tru the hassle of having to apply for leaves again. ever again.
3. I cant stand being rejected.
2. I know im better off as a coach, a personal trainer and as a rower. I KNOW.
1. I cant seem to tell myself to do these work. i just hate it. cant you tell?

The only thing that keeps me going is the pay. Maybe its not always about the money.
Should I take the risk of quitting?
Will I look back and regret?
Or will I be more awesome leaving?

OHMYGOD.
the decision of the year, i swear. :'(

to quit or not to quit;

you know what just got me thinking.
other than the fact that after i say this im gonna go berserk cuz my workload is 0.03% complete,
i got reminded of those days back during the sea games year when i almost gave up.
when i almost hanged my oars and did what other people do which is to live, as opposed to train every single friggin day.
but i hanged on to it no matter how much i hated it.
hated every single bit of it.
and because of that, i grew stronger,
more stubborn,
more oarsome,
and because of that,
i brought home a medal.
yes, that got me thinking.
WHY QUIT TEACHING NOW.
who knows i might be good at it.
i hate it now.
every single bit of it.
from lesson plans, to applying for leaves when i need to travel overseas,
to power point slides and reading textbooks i have sworn to myself never to touch again.
but maybe next year, i might look back and tell myself,
"THANK GOD I DIDNT QUIT."
or it could turn out the total opposite,
"SHIT I SHOULD HAVE QUIT!"
damn.
i didnt think of that.
okay back to square one.
good attempt at convincing yourself, aisyah.
10 points for that.

life has been so mundane that im starting to LIST things according to order of importance. okay bedek. more like what comes into my head first.

10 things. (tak habes habes dgn 10 things dier.) i realised its easier to list down things now. since ive become a teacher, lists are the new way of life. time to get organized baby. macam paham. my life's still a mess. OHMYGOD. bad role model, moe should just sack me.

10. you heard that right. MOE should just tell me,

"excuse me, ms aisyah, i think you're better of as a coach or rower or a trainer or any other occupation but not as a teacher. please leave."

will definitely make my life so much easier, i swear!

so i dont have to wreck my brain cells to decide whether i want to continue to teach or not. ugh. but NO, they gave me a hefty pay to bribe me to stay and my God. (Alhamdulillah, for that matter) the pay is SO DAMN GOOD. lol. and people around me are telling me to stay like one of my clients when she told me the other day that i should think about teaching cuz im pretty good at motivating people. but WHY DO I NOT LIKE IT I DONT EVEN KNOW. maybe i do know but im refusing to believe that they are the reasons why i dont like it cuz they are ridiculous, petty reasons.

like, the other teachers dont talk to me.

or, i hate kids. LOL.

i know right, do u feel like strangling me sometimes?

i HATE making decisions, for the love of God. WHY AM I SO FICKLE.

9. THOUGHTS OF QUITTING STILL HAUNTS ME.
ugh. since september you know. omg. im thinking of sean kingston. "She's indecisive, she cant decide." MEMANG.
if they had an award for being most indecisive person ever, i should soooo win it.
not that im proud of it or anything but REALLY. sometimes i wish i could just turn into a guy when it comes to making decisions. like how nadz went into NUM, picked up a pair of slippers and went on to pay for them without thinking whether there could be other designs which could be nicer than the pair he was holding on to in other shops, or other things in that shop that might interest him. NO. it was fast and furious. take and go. just take and go. (read: russell peters).

but then again, maybe not. thats what makes girls different. THE FACT THAT WE CANT DECIDE. love us or leave us. betul tak? chen de mah? chen de.
back to the work topic. YES OMG. i have this love/hate relationship with my job. i wish i could just quit, migrate and die alone in an island or something. ee, burok.

i should do the "which guy should i choose" method of making decisions we all used to do back in secondary school. list down the plus and minus points of teaching. and compare. but what if minus points outweigh the plus points and i end up quitting and regretting and moe will blacklist me and will never allow me to teach again when my plan B fails and i plan to go back to teaching. zomg. scary. a little help? hopeless siolz.


8. unnecessary stress, seriously.

and im supposed to prepare like 14 chapters of geog slides (woohoo!) and im at chapter 2. I KNOW RIGHT I AM SO DEAD. boo. i mean, the thought of reading the textbook makes me wanna sleep and you want me to preach these kids to love the subject? give me PE anytime and i'll make sure by the end of the yr, these kids will love running. but NO. geog > PE. UGH. people ask me why goeg. YOU DONT WANNA KNOW SEH. (actually, u might wanna know. its a funny story.

1. i took geog in A Levels, loved it, got a B for it.

2. took a geog module in uni, dint attend a single lecture, got an A for it.

3. i love clouds and rocks.)

these are the reasons why i wanted to teach geog. which obviously doesnt mean i like teaching geog, there must be a flaw in the interview sytem and recruitment criteria in moe.

BAAH.

7. BAAH reminds me of ebenezer scrooge from christmas carol and christmas is around the corner. I KNOW RIGHT. like END OF THE YEAR, ya'll. SO FAST AND FURIOUS LIKE TOKYO DRIFT!

"i wonder if we know how to live in tokyo if you see it and you mean it then you know you have to go. fast and furiousssssss tick tick tick!" (sings in an annoying high pitch voice).

and again, ive digressed and lost my train of thoughts. (and i just downloaded the tokyo drift ringtone into my iphone)

6. I AM AN IPHONE USER, ya'll. i have finally succummed to Apple's evil plan to take over the world but the iphone is so handy i dont know how i lived without it before i got it! okay bedek. too much, aisyah. its alright lah i guess. my free 12G never seemed to finish until i was so worried it was a once off offer i called starhub to ask whether its 12G every month of truout my 2 years contract with them. LOL. stupido.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT TRU TO GET MY HANDS ON THIS GADGET. 2 hours of queuing up, getting into a small squabble with a random stranger-cum-loserface, losingmy virginity of shouting at a stranger in public. MY GOD. the drama.

and i think i spent like close to $10 on apps i hardly use. (latest app bought: spongebob diner dash.) MAMPOS.

im gonna try to make MOE pay for my iphone. i mean, im gonna use google maps, GPS, and share with my kids. educational, no?

5. OH HAVE YOU TRIED THE NEW CHEESE AND CARAMEL POPCORN AT CITY LINK MALL? omg. SEDAPNAKMAMPOS pls. go try it.

nadz visited my blog on my iphone while we were queueing up for popcorn yesterday and it made me wonder whether people actually do read what shit i have to offer for the world on this blog although 99% of the time its nonsense and doesnt bring any form of benefit at all to any individual, i swear. i mean, who in the right mind would want to read about this 22 year old female being who probably has one of the most unexciting lives in the universe, right? :(

4. AM I THAT BORING? :(
to think about it, in the 22 years of my life, ive been tru so much, my goodness! grew up without a dad around, well he's around but i dont stay with him, and i actually didnt grow up to be rebellious, smoking, partying the night away, piercing my nose like a lembu, and deserve to be depicted in Anak Metropolitan V5.0 or something. hooray to my good choices of friends i actually turned out to be a pretty innocent person, yeah? been tru the best times in life like representing the nation, bringing home a medal, falling in love. in the other hand, went tru the worstttt times in life too like feeling like dying when i fell out of love, got cheated, cheated on others and felt like i deserve to just eat worms and die, grew fat, stopped rowing for a friggin yr, tore my ACL (OMG THIS TOPS THE LIST OF WORST THING TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE). you see, my life's not that boring, it seems. YAY TO AISYAH.

that reminds me. let me recall.

having been mistaken as a sri lankan twice, burmese twice, "not from around here" many times, from saudi arabia once (i know right). never what my blood's made of: malay and chinese. my life (and face, for that matter) is pretty interesting, it seems. :)

3. TALKING ABOUT MY KNEE, OMG.
if choosing the wrong sport was a sin, tearing an ACL would be the ultimate punishment that God would never forgive and it would be irreversible. OMG. 26the dec 2008. almost 2 years have passed since that very day rasheilla kicked my knee and i screamed like the world's gonna collapse on me. 27th feb 2009. a yr and a half since i said hello to my new ligament which hasnt been behaving like how its supposed to. its affecting my trainings, i cant run anymore, it hurts to play soccer. basically, im doomed, my dreams are crushed. WAH SO PEESIMISTIC. boo!
it just wont friggin recuperate. and the most annoying thing is that noone knows why. :(

2. okay look on the bright side. ummm.
lemme think of something nice to say to myself.
at least i still have 2 awesome looking imbalance legs where the right calf is smaller than the left! woohoo. all i want for chirstmas, is for my knee to get muchos better. can? :(

christmas reminds me of Love Actually, you know that scene when mark expressed his love to juliet. OMG MOST ROMANTIC SCENE EVER PLEASE I'LL JUST MELT AND DIE. dah, cukup.



1. talking about love.

when it comes to love, age is just a number. lets go prove people wrong baby. and like they say,

"sometimes you gotta quit thinking so much. if it feels right, it probably is.

so just go with it."

10 things.

1. Down with migraine and lousy cramps. Googled them and got : Menstrual Migraine.
PMS. check.
nausea. check.
bloatedness. check.
late onset of period. check.
feeling like a total shit. check.
vomitting my breakfast, lunch and dinner last night. check.
letting the world know that im having menstrual migraine. check.

2. waking up at 11.30am feeling grogggggyyyyyyyy. sucks.
i hate wasting my mornings.

3. having 1,000,000 things to do but spent the last 3 hours lying on bed telling myself that im sick and its okay not to be doing work and i will do it tomorrow or the next day when i feel better, knowing that the next few days i will be so packed with activities i know i wont have time to do but im just lying to myself that i will get work done then.
in other word: to PROCRASTINATE.

4. wondering whether the guy you love loves you back the same way u love them. feeling feeling 18 again. (must be the stupid PMS. ugh.)

5. having this immense need to WHINE MY HEART, LUNGS, THROAT, GUTS OUT to someone.

6. replying text messages with ":(" just cuz you dont know what to say and you just feel that way :(

7. :(

8. cant even think of 10 things to spill. the migraine virus must have eaten up 3,486,293 of my brain cells.

9. i want to train but i shall stop being stubborn once in a while and REST. or should i train? no. rest. but i need to sweat it out. NO REST. TRAIN. REST.
UGH. i hate being sick :(

10. telling myself that i should just stop feeling sad and be awesome instead.
the lies you try to tell yourself.

Dad.

sometimes, i envy those people who come home to their dad's arms. i dont get such privilege since i was 5. my dad's still here, but he has another family to take care of. He was hardly there for me when it comes to the unforgettable moments in my life. he wasnt there to send me off to my first ever Sea Games, neither was he there on my second games, he wasnt there for me when i first got my heart broken, he didnt see how much i suffered after my knee surgery, he didnt celebrate my 21st birthday with me, and recently, he didn't attend my graduation ceremony. i know he would if he could.
but I'm always, always, always thankful everytime i get to see my dad, hold his hand, hug him, and reply to his "I miss you" and "I love you" SMSes because I know he'll always be in my heart and i'm always in his.

sometimes, u just know.



i love you, dad.

10 ways.

how to tell if you're having a good day:

1. you rowed 16km on water and not feeling as though you're gonna die.

• water need not be super flat. wavey waters are fine. add to the challenge. ups your balance.
• presence of winds are perfectly okay. windless days are mood killers.

2. stepped on the weighing scale and smiling to yourself, knowing that hard work has finally showed some results.

3a. having absolutely no work for the rest of the day.
3b.which translates to being able to finally change your blog skin which hasnt been done so for the longest time.
3c. which also translates to being able to take long afternoon naps stretching up to 3-5hrs.

4. being able to set the alarm clock and press the snooze button at any number of times, without worrying about being late for anything.

5. waking up looking forward to a cool, refreshing shower.

6. waking up to whats cooking in the kitchen. (provided mum's at home and she's not cooking fish/sotong/prawns/gross seafood)

7. walking to the grocery store to buy cartons (note: cartonssssssss!!) of drinks.
because you are damn thirsty, you wished your lips had leftover juice from yesterday you constantly lick them.

8. having the mood to bake, which comes only once in a bluemoon.
(downturn: but having no moolahs to buy the ingredients. and having no maid to wash the utensils for you)

9. breaking fast with the family.

and 10. saw the face of the one you love. :)

amin.

14km.

my WEDNESDAY went like this:
7am-9ish am: rowed 14km with shaun
11am-4pm: reached home and slept like a pig for 5 hrs
6pm-9pm: met up with dilz, yatay and sha for buka @ 18chefs
10pm-now: home

no work day = SLEEPING day = awesome :)
i dont usually take afternoon naps but today's nap should be banned from being called a nap.

nap;

verb (used without object)
1. to sleep for a short time; doze.

5 hours is definitely not a short time. but nap or nappy or not, SLEEP IS GOOD.
but NOT with contacts on. NO.
i know. when i plonked myself on bed i was like, "ok 5mins and i'll go take out my contacts and wash my face." 5 mins became 5 hours.
i woke up with a red eye and 2 pimples. woohoo.
im amazed at my ability to sleep anywhere everywhere anytime all-the-time.
i can sleep for 12 hours, like how i did after YOG was over. and still slept well at night.
i used to sleep here, there, everywhere so much so that my ex-coach gave me a name: sheba. i dont know what it means but i would have guessed it means lazy-ass-rower-who-won-a-bronze-medal in bitchy-coach language. probably.

today's row was OARsome. (i love that word: OARsome)
i felt as though i was on REDBULL or smtg but i havent touched any caffeineted drinks since eons ago (i know caffeineted is spelt wrongly but i dont bother checking it up, really) OMG IM GONNA BECOME A TEACHER, but PE teachers dont need to know how to spell, do they?

YES. ROW. yes, 16km. weather was superb. although the last few laps the waves were oddly CRAZY. like really. but i love love love it. it felt so good. i dont know what motivated me to row so good that morning, but it just felt OARSOME. woohoo. fave word.

i know i was supposed to row 18km (coach says it'll be my new fave number). but the other rowers were already leaving the water, i dont wanna get left behind. im worried the loch ness monster under the murky waters of pandan reservoir might eat me up. u never know. pandan has the WEIRDESTTTT creatures in the world.

oh talking about creatures,
there was a spider on my boat today, which i only realised when i was on water. the spider went for a joy ride with me. woohoo.

and while i was showering i heard a loud SPLAT. like seriously it sounded like how its written:

SPLAT.

and on the floor, a few inches from where my slippers were, there was a tail-less lizard. it was huge, fat and like almost black. SO GROSS pls. it has obviously died because a few seconds later, there were ants crowding around it feasting on the stupid dead lizard. i think it fell from the fan. ew.

last weekend, while doing stretches on the benches in the toilet (on a mat), i removed the mat and saw a splattered dead spider. oops. HAHAHA.

---

meeting up with the girls was fun, as usual. bulan puasa pun gossip tak maintain, serious. TSK. us VS tudung girls. omg, when will we ever insaf and wear one.

and recently, i feel so loved by my friends. they totally understand me.

dilz: "aisyah, we vote u to plan our hari raya outing."

aisyah: "why me?"

all: "cuz youre the free-est."

wow, the convenience of assumptions. with 6 days a week of trng, 3 schools to coach for netball and 5 clients. im the free-est. wow. i love my friends.
and for the upcoming iftar with the guys:

aisyah: "we have to book first."

wafi:"thank you aisyah."

fazli: "yes, thank you aisyah."

thank you friends.

i feel like im just going through this phase of the fasting month. the only thing that differs what ive gone through for the past 2 weeks from the other weeks that ive been through is the fact that i get REALLY thirsty, hungry like all the time and fell REALLY tired and weak throughout the whole day. there must be more to fasting than just feeling awful, right?

mum wakes us up for sahur at 4:45am everyday. most of the time i dont remember what i eat for sahur. whatever is served on the dining table goes into the stomach. i miss having to fight for space at the dining table. there used to be 7 of us vying for a table of 6. now theres only 5 left. but only 3-4 will be sitting together to eat. abg al would probably be sleeping still or on his xbox or refusing to sahur just cuz man u lost. abg dani would be in front of his computer screen, for the past 100 yrs or so. my mum's husband (who is obviously not my dad if not i would have already referred to him as dad) doesnt talk to us. sometimes, i feel that they're just housemates. i hardly speak to my own brothers even other than being called fat at random times by them or commenting that they're growing a tummy or like yesterday was one of those random sibling moments when we watched the spore-haiti match on tv together (more on that later). i dont feel like a family unit anymore. its sad, really. i hate growing up. sometimes, i have to admit i miss quarrelling with my brothers. at least we're communicating, albeit loudly or violently. now each of us are leading our own private lives where friends are placed at a higher priority than yr blood sister/brothers. the least we can do now as a family is to go out for family dinners. dont put up yr hopes high on seeing my siblings and i having a picnic at the beach with our mum or kiteflying at marina barrage. it would be just WEIRD.

havent been training much during the fasting month bcuz of the yog but boy, whenever i hit the waters, i feel like i dont have any energy left to do anything for the rest of the day. it sucks, really. that awful weak lousy feeling esp in the afternoons, esp when the sun is scorching hot. yr throat starts to dry up, yr lips start to crack, yr limbs refuse to obey ur commands they go haywire and yr head feels as thought they weigh a ton. i know all these symptoms make me sound like a loozer, but it had been really, really tough. but so far, Alhamdullilah ive managed to survive a few days of training, work and fasting altogether and its down to another 2 weeks or so. and the hardest part of all this is doing it alone. people may pity you or look up to how strong or determined or enduring and persevering you are, but they will never truly know what it feels like to train at 7am in the morning and having to live through the day till you get the next sip of water at 7pm. i guess fasting makes you stronger mentally. insyaAllah it will.

oh and yeah, yog for rowing is like overrrrrrr. i know. time flies. but the period was pretty hectic for the NTOs. i had to leave home at 530am to catch the early (probably the first) train to kallang and making sure not to miss the shuttle bus to marina. coming later than 7am would put u in nic's bad books. so it has been pretty normal not to sleep after sahur. tiring, definitely. but the most disappointing/disgusting thing that i saw at marina was the bunch of malay/muslim volunteers whom conveniently decided that they would not be fasting and ate in the eyes of many. not that it matters to me if they'll be punished by God but its such utter disrecpect to the holy month of Ramadhan. who am i to tell them that they are wrong. i know i myself isnt treating the month at its best but still, i still adhere to basic respect. seriously. what has the world come into?

the singapore juniors did pretty okay. i dont know how they feel, really. dint talk to them much. they were busy with their stuff, i was busy with mine. my role as an NTO at the finish tower was exciting. the FISA council member will announce to the room the winners of the races and i have to report them to the umpire boat at the finish line to guide the winner to the media pontoon to be interviewed. exciting, i tell you. met the official timekeeper guys from Omega who were really friendly and funny. one of them has a daughter who's 14 and almost as tall as me and bigger than me and the best thing he said was that im small for a rower. i know right. judging from our (Asian) sizes and that of the ang mohs, how are we ever gonna be on par with them in rowing when height really does matter? sigh.

YOG not only took coach away from our regular trng sessions, it took nadz away too. he has been staying at the village since forever, and i havent seen his face since the last day of the races. best thing is that he hasnt been texting much, i assume he's too caught up with the bustling activities at YOV. drew said i should give him some time and space. so is not texting the entire day giving him all the time and space that he might need?
sometimes, im too tired to even bother. really. why make someone a priority when he only makes you an option. i refuse to get hurt this way. the more i care, the more i get hurt. so i should care less, really.

oh and how can i not mention the match between the singapore cubs and the oscar-winning haiti actors-cum-footballers last night. im never really a fan of singapore football, blame the s-league for that. but yesterday i was hoping really hard the cubs get into the final cuz i heard they were awesome and i saw them play and they were pretty good. but too much attention, media and pressure put them in an over-confident, big-headed position. thus tragic fell upon them last night. but i was so so so omg super frustrated at the way the haitians played after they scored the first goal. they're time wasting techniques were so ridiculously annoying it was really an eye sore to watch how each and every one of them fell and clutched a part of their body and rolled on the turf as though it was an ACL tear (cuz an ACL tear is the most painful thing tt could happen, trust me). DRAMA MAMA HABIS. seriously. even mum was pissed. i would have applauded them for good play if they dint had added in the oscar-winning acting. really.

okay, i promise myself not to sleep beyond 12 am every night. ive been having these awful block nose one minute and runny nose the next minute sickness it annoys the shit out of me. and the fact that theres rowing tmr morning and i cant sleep aft sahur. boo.

work's gonna start pretty soon i hope i get a school with a super understanding principal. insyaAllah. i dont know if im looking forward to work at all. but im sooooo not looking forward to tell people drg hari raya visitd that im gonna start teaching. cuz that would mean that i wouldnt receive any green packets. and it would be waaay too early for that to happen. CANNOT.

okay, the flu meds starting to take effect. ARGH. bye.

ugh. i cant stand horrible organisation skills.
and assumptions that people around you know everything.
our lives dont revolve around you, you know.
am i the only one who feels this way?
seriously.
noone makes aisyah pissed on a monday night. not monday, please. :(

1. i dont know my role during yog. yeah push me here and there. tell me if im not needed, i would have helped out with the CEP team where i know my efforts would be much appreciated.
2. you dont support my training. i bet you dont even know if i come down for trng or not. i could go broke from the 238509243 cabs i have to take to the trng cntr and never come for trng any more for the rest of my life and you wouldnt even realise i was gone.
3. you send out an email assuming that everyone understands yr excel spreadsheet.
4. you send out an email NOT stating that we're supposed to report at this place at this time and hoping that we could figure that out by ourselves.
5. and you dint tell us what uniform we were supposed to wear. is it the m size uniform that you took for me insisting that its the right fit for me. or could we wear anything we want?
6. so where am i supposed to go now what do i do now.
(a) i have trng, which i am so not looking forward to but i know i have to go for. because if i dont go:
(i) coach will slit my throat.
(ii) i'd be kicked out of the team.
(iii) i dont deserved to be called a national rower.
and i want none of these.
(b) i have work, which i'd rather go to even tho the people i work with can be bitchy, because i get paid and with the money i am able to top up my ezlink card and pay for cab fares so tt i can train every morning.
(c) i have to go to marina, where i dont even know if im supposed to be there in the first place and it'll make me really, really, oh my god, really pissed if i were to spend my time there doing absolutely nothing at all.

and nothing you do helps me make my decision.
ugh.
reason #01 why i left you for a yr and a half.

PISSED. OFF.

my client expressed her concern today abt my trainings and the approaching fasting month. she said that i shouldnt train too much, id get dehydrated and its really bad for my health. sweet of her to say such things but i wish i could do that. i wished it was that simple.

im left with $xx in my bank. so pathetic, i'd cry. 90% of my money went to topping up almost everyday and cabbing to training cntr, work, back, forth. the pain. UGH.

and sometimes i wonder if im the only rower/athlete/sportsperson/whatever you call these grps of ppl who are not interested in stuff like other athletes, record timings, these and thats of the sports, other than being passionate about the sport itself. i love rowing, i really do. i cant imagine myself without it. (ok, bedek. actually, i can. aisyah without rowing is aisyah a yr back- a 173cm blob of fat. ew.) yeah, as much as i love rowing and i'd marry my boat and oars, i dont visit the rowing website often, i dont go gaga over other rowers, i dont read about rowing, not news, not competitions unless they're held ard the region. they just dont interest me. and i wonder if that makes me less of an athlete, moreover less of a rower. :(

and most of the times i wonder if all these effort and hard work are worth it.

yes, i do wonder alot.

im tired. its 11:50pm and i should be sleeping. im gonna have to row with my favourite teammate tmr. im so excited im gonna die. im so looking forward to training.
ugh.

dear God, if there's one thing i wish for right now, i wish i wont ever, ever lose motivation to row. InsyaAllah.

world war 3 just ended in my house.
AISYAH vs MUM. epic battle.
weapons of mass destruction: MOUTH, and whatever that comes out of it.
and like in any war,
there are no winners, only losers.
chey.
OMG.
its been a long time since i quarrelled with my mum.
ok bedek. i quarrel with her like almost every other day when we're both at home.
but today's quarrel-o-meter hit 9/10!
and it had to be the day i came home early.
the irony of life.
you come home early, hoping to bask in the atmosphere evening sunlight,
hoping that your mum will come home from work, giving you a pat on the back and say:
"IM PROUD OF YOU, DAUGHTER. YOU'RE HOME EARLY TODAY."
but all i got was a full 5mins of screamings and naggings which were directed at me from outside my locked bedroom door. but i couldnt (more of didnt want to) hear cuz i was shutting my ears.
yah, truout the 5mins i couldnt hear a thing. i could make out words like "derhaka", "jantan" and what nots. I KNOW RIGHT. i told you it was THAT intense.
i dont mean to be rude but seriously.
living with her for 22 years,
i can safely conclude that she ENJOYS finding flaws in my actions and behaviours.
aiyah, u say,
its a mum thing.
yeah, i guess youre right.
its like their JOB to carik pasal with you.
so my brothers who were hardly at home were at home when the war happened.
one of them got pissed so he made me and mum sit and talk,
after much persuasion that i get out of the room.
one of the issues mum laid out was: rowing.
i dont know how rowing got into the picture but it did! she's not happy that i can wake up at 5am every morning to row but cant do shit for the household. i know right. i mean, okay arguement accepted. i admit i dont do housework, im hardly at home, but you dont put rowing in the picture. its just, wrong.
if only she knew how awesome i am on water.
but she doesnt.
she'll never understand.
(i know, sad right?)
haiya.
she needs to watch 3 idiots.
if you havent watched it yet.
YOURE MISSING OUT ALOT, man.
3 idiots taught me one important lesson in life:
do what you love, not what people tell you to do.

thus,
i refuse to do housework.

OKAY RUDE SEH.
kidding.
i'll do it.
soon.
really.
promise.
hari raya's coming btw.
means i gotta clean the house soon anyway.
boo :(

any latest updatessss.
1. rowing's been awesome. blisters come and go. they say pain makes you stronger. mum has been nagging incessantly abt my busy rowing schedule cuz she derives satisfaction from doing it. im sorry mum but nothing's gonna stop me from doing what i love.
2. my hamstring's being such an ass at the moment. tight here tight there. from all the cycling in perth. conclusion: cycling is just NOT my thing. PUT THAT IN YR HEAD, aisyah.
3. YOG's on its way, round the corner and somebody's gonna kick some rowers ass on water! i've always believed that winning IS everything but in the olympics, its not. being part of it is already THAT awesome (right, nadz?) :)
4. im currently superbly annoyed at the efficiency of MOE/NIE, whichever. maybe both. firstly they said im gonna go nie in the next intake. now they're telling me i'll be sent to school to teach. and i wrote them an email and they've been forwarding to this division and that sector, blah blah, but no replies. SERIOUSLY. i almost gave up on them seh. but to think of it. I WANNA INSPIRE PEOPLE, yo. (thanks fazli)
5. days now are packed with trng, clients, schools. trying to find time for housework. its not that i refuse to do housework, u see. u wouldnt understand.
HAHAHA.

ok past my bedtime.
tata.

oh and 6. for the first time in 283105 yrs, im feeling flu-ish. :( ugh.

omgomgomg.
this is so stressful.
got myself in such trouble.
i feel like slitting my wrist.

i feel so stupid.
i woke up this morning from the vibrations of my phone.
nus smsed me my results for my final yr exam.
omg.
i dont know whether to be sad cuz its friggin bad.
or whether to be happy cuz its my last results from nus, ever.

i feel so so stupid.
signed up as a coach in this particular school.
thinking that i have all the time in the world to make this school win the zonals.
then rowing started, yog's around the corner, nie's gonna start soon.
(YES. NIE)
i dont know if i can commit.
and i just cant bring myself to tell them i cant commit.
papers have been signed. they know my face.
what if they see me alg the streets next time and spit at my face. :(
and i spent like an hr, crying about it.
im such a wreck.

havent been going for silat,
not even to support them.
but bedok is just way. too. far.
but thats just an excuse.
but its true.
ugh.
sometimes i cant stand my own fickleness.
its amazing ive survived 22 yrs living with myself.

the futsal comp's ard the corner.
go futsal can, go silat cannot.
ive learnt things the hard way in life:
you cant make everyone in the world happy.
true that.

im feeling so suicidal.
which path should i choose?
pills? slashing? building?
HAHAHA.
omg, im scaring myself.
blisters on my hands already make me cry.
and so does false alarms twisted ankle during soccer trng.
and im thinking abt killing myself.
i must be kidding.

is this scaring you?
dont worry. im still sane.
i love myself too much to commit suicide.
i'd rather die rowing for the nation then dying over stupid things.

ok STOP IT WITH THIS SUICIDE SHIT.
crazy woman.

and rowing.
training has been pretty tough recently,
and just as intensity has started to pick up,
coach wants to taper it down.
wow.
i wonder how im gonna survive that 2k.
and my blisters. ugh.
i cried in the boat yest bcuz they friggin hurt.
33 and counting.

i watched shrek 4 and cried.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
my tear ducts have no control over themselves.

when i row hard,
i feel like dying,
but i know coach wont let me die.
so that makes me row even harder.

i dont know if im as mentally strong as before.
i'll know, soon enough.

sometimes i wish i lead a normal life.
having a normal job.
regular pay.
no fuss, hassle-free.
no training.
no feeling tired after trng.
no competition to train for.
long term goal is to earn money
and build a happy family.

but most of the time,
im thankful i dont lead a normal life.

i think my life is awesome. :)

post exams

the 22 blisters on my hands will always remind me to STOP BEING FRIGGIN FICKLE AND MAKE UP MY MIND WHAT SPORTS I WANT TO DO CUZ IF I DONT WANT TO ROW THEN THERES SRSLY NO PT HAVING THESE THINGS ON MY HANDS WHICH REALLY HURT. :(

1. rowing
2. s******
3. netball
4. silat
5. soccer

or maybe, mom's right. its best that a 22 yr old girl like me sit at home and clean the house.
i hate growing old.
growing old means u have wisdom teeth growing and they hurt :(
growing old means whatever decision you make makes a whole lot of difference to yr life. :(
growing old means you gotta be a grown up. i hate doing grown up things. :(
sulk sulk sulk.

its mid may ALREADY. time flies.
training has been crazy painful with the stamina still hovering at NIL, blisters which never stop appearing making my hands look like a world map, getting TANNED (which is actually smtg ive been looking forward to), waking up at 5am almost every morning, getting these really nice and defined muscles. hahaha the list goes on yo. all in all, I AM BACK ON WATER. but its a sucky feeling knowing that u were once really good at this shit but now u totally suck at it :( i cant wait to back on form. CANT WAIT. but time waits for no man. what more a girl. life sucks. haha. emo ke per. later i pierce my lips and wear eyeliner and black lipstick than you know.
abeh kan i got my heart rate checked recently and it was 80bpm sia. WAHLAO. i used to be 52bpm. :(:(:(

okay what else. my back and shoulders are giving me hell. ARGH SIGNS OF AGING. shut up, aisyah.

silat competition at the end of may.
soccer competition early june.
rowing competition mid june.

im sooo back to being who i was. :) alhamdullilah.
knee's getting muchos better.

one thing i want to so is learn to do is to trust and love again. hmm.
the second is to colour my hair red.
okay kidding, maybe blond.
i dont know.
my bro says i should stop colouring my natural blond hair.
aww he's so sweet aint he?
talking about brothers.
today, i met the RUDEST taxi driver in the whole world. i swear.
so there were 3 guys and me in the cab. so i had to sit at the passengers seat in front. and i had to move back the chair cuz i was carrying whole lot of shit in my bag and my knees were pressing agst the whatever-u-call-tt-board-in-front-of-the-car. then u know what that kurang ajar taxi driver said when i asked my bro sitting right behind me if it was okay if i were to push my chair back? he barged into our convo and said, "her legs not that long lah, she just wants to straighten her legs. u want me to get measuring tape, measure ur legs. not so long also." i was like omg. wtf. rude nak mampos kan. like who gave u the right to say those things to me! omg. muker nak kene sepak, srsly.

it has nothing to do with "talking bout brothers" but i thought i would like to share the story abt kurangajar taxi drivers.

ugh.
anyway, we played soccer today and IT FELT SO GOOD.

okay dah.
im tired. theres a 12 hrs (its 12 hrs i heard!) adventure race tmr where we gotta wear long pants which are like my most fave pair of wadrobe item to wear! loving it.

oh and final exams in nus are over which means that im outta here! :D

life is ironic.
just a few minutes ago, someone told me this:

"u have this ability to piss pple off without u knowing.
and it's not just me saying that.
so something is really wrong somewhere.
if i could pin point it out to you i would.
but i cant
so may God help u find that out yea?
:)"

and it makes you wonder what is the purpose of someone telling you things like that. is it supposed to be beneficial to me? is it meant to cause hurt? so who now has the ability to piss ppl off unconsciously? me, or you?

today, positive psychology class felt more like a marriage class. we learnt about the dos and donts of relationships and marriages. we learnt how to communicate well with our spouses, how to establish a relationship that lasts, and how to be a good partner. and i was thinking, thinking, thinking. according to these theories, i SUCK as a gf. i wont go into details how much i fall into the YOU SUCK AS A GF category cuz its really saddening when i thought i was doing my best to be a good gf. its either not enuf or not good enuf. all i know is that theres lots to improve on. maybe, things really happen for a reason. lets just keep it that way. may Allah show us the right path. insyaAllah. :)

i dont know what kind of heart God gave you. you were nice to me when you wanted me, when u wanted me to stay, to wait for you. now that you dont, you talk to me like as though i never mattered. you tell me you've been busy, you're stressed, you've got all these sorts of problems but that doesnt mean that you deserve all the right to talk to me that way. youre not the only stressed person here. everyone has their own shitpile of work. its how you take matters into hand. its the same shit i hear year by year. ive been trying my best here not to hate you because its not in my nature to hate. and i deserve all the rights in the world to hate you because of the things you did to me. but i dont hate you. to me, it is an inevitable fact that u were once mine, i dont have the heart to treat you like sampah. but thats how i feel right now. i dont understand why you have to treat me like that. if i had a heart like yours, the world would already have known what you did and do you think you'll have the comfort of your home still? if i had a heart like yours, i'd rather die than living with such a black black heart. and by me mentioning this, you'll say im spiting you and in ur exact words "im used to it already. everytime i talk to you i get spited." i see. everytime huh. im setan what. everytime i spite you.
its not like i want you back. especially now that i know what kind of person you really are. i never wanted you back since i knew that i spent two yrs being hopeful for a guy who wouldnt stand up for me. i wont ever want to be with a guy who treats his ex like some i dont know- disease? i dont even know why i bother talking to you sometimes. i realised life's way better without you. i dont cry at night anymore. i dont have to wonder what you're up to. i dont have to be apprehensive about trusting u anymore. maybe because its the friendship i want to salvage. but if even talking to you as a friend got rude responses from you. then i might as well not. dont wanna go on hurting myself.
i wish good luck to whoever you meet next.
may she not be hurt by you,
and your black heart.
ustaz said its never too late to cleanse yr heart.
i never did say i had a pure, clean heart.
but what i do know is that i never treat my exes like shit.
i respect them for who they are or once were.
and i treat them like friends.
not like some bangkai you'd rather piss on.

gaah. first week of school is over.
1. school is being nice now. not much work, yet. readings have been as usual, crazy. it is confirmed that i am the only yr 3 in my lvl 4 class. and it is true that theres an essay every week. i have been studying during my free periods alone. (i know right). and i was actually paying attn in einstein's class- something on relativity. i dont understand shit but i remember not falling asleep. to me, its an achievement. it doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you dont stop, remember? right.
2. ive been running with syahir around woodlands. i still havent gotten used to it, yet. back to square one. i wonder if i can ever do an 11mins 2.4km again or run for 10k without feeling pain or feeling like shit. syahir said i was slow. that idiot, but i'll sure be sad when he leaves for ns. running buddy, anyone?
3. everyone's gonna leave. i hate everyone who's leaving or who has left or who's supposed to graduate with me but is not going to and now i have to find ppl to throw my graduation hats with :(

ugh.

4. i sparred during silat trng for the first time since my fall last yr. its been a yr already, time really flies, MasyaAllah. fighting was addictive. but the aftermath was awful. my ankle's swollen, my arm and finger are badly bruised. when i showed my mum, she gave the funniest comments: "WHY UNTIL LIKE THAT? KAN SAKIT." then she pressed her finger on the bruise. "Im going to talk to your coach".
5. went for alia's halal party last night at aloha loyang. takder lagi jauh, i know. the tjunx had a gathering, it was fun. a bit, umm, odd. other than we feeling very underdressed and left out, i had to pretend it was OKAY when i had to see his face. but other than that. "good job" to us we put a smile on fairuz's face. we saw birdman. alia had a time of her life turning a yr older. and yeah, i took 2 hours to reach home. i dont want to talk about that.
6. sometimes, coaching netball to kids make you want to scream your head off, but most of the time, no matter how annoying they are, they definitely do make me smile. :)
7. brooding period's definitely over but theres still some hurt and pain here and there. like they say, time will heal, and im just waiting to be fully recovered. but meanwhile, i think i should get up on my ass and start moving on. MOVING ON is a bitch, but i dont wanna be a loser, going after a guy who wont even stand up for me. sometimes u wonder whether they really did love u as much as you thought they did. but sometimes, the best thing to do is just not to think about it. like when you initiate a convo with ur ex and he's being very curt and hostile and cold (and he tells you that its for the better and you stupidly nod in agreement), might as well not bother initiating the convo in the first place and get spared from getting hurt, right?
oh well.

cheers, to a better week ahead, insyaAllah.

hey

its only the third day of school and my energy level's hovering at zilch.
my last sem- did my last module bidding, filed for graduation, converted my module and lets just hope everything goes well enuf, I'll be graduating in 4 months. InsyaAllah. I cant wait, cant u tell?
yay?
i know. im still in this stupid annoying mood.
and i dont even know what im feeling anymore- tired? angry? sad? depressed? bodoh?
ugh.
okay monday first day of school went pretty okay. 8am class. yeah, tell me abt it. after that i had a looong break (i refused to count how long it was until yatay was like "Aisyah you have a 6hr break?" and i was like "omg. 6 hourssss!") yup. so i went for hot yoga alone, went back to school, ate lunch with yatay, talk talk talk and we realised that we're gd at giving each other advices but when it comes to our own problems, we're hopeless i tell you. went to next class alone (some einstein weirdness shit which almost made me fall asleep.) that was 4-5ish then i went home and went to run with syahir for like 50mins, covered like 7.15km. which was really rejuvenating, Alhamdullilah. and that was my monday.
on tuesday i had class from 12pm-9pm. with a 2 hr break in between, thats when i visited the dean's office to file for my graduation and thats where i met the rude receptionist but i was too tired to like fluster over such a person not worth my energy so i let her be rude, took a seat, and waited, just to submit 2 pieces of paper and leave. i think im seriously not an afternoon person. falling asleep in drugs and society class (just cuz i was alone) but was wide awake during adol psych (maybe cuz amir was sitting next to me and we were in 2nd row). finally got friend in class. yeah. am i that pathetic? ugh.
anyway 6-9pm seminar, lvl 4 mod- positive psychology. which was pretty scary at first cuz i was the only yr 3 amidst the honours students and even yr 5s! i know right. but i made a friend cuz we had to introduce to each other, but she was pretty nice. and class wasnt so bad. but the lecturer was pointing out to us the workload which includes an essay a week for 10 weeks. haha. oh well. its not everyday u get to take a lvl4 psych mod when ure in yr3 u know? yelah.
and today i woke up at 5am in the morning, left home at 6am, took 168 at 6:15am, reached tampines at 7am, reached yumin priamry at 7:15am. on time okay. im proud of myself. netball coaching went good. i think i was born to do this shit. haha. then i went for rehab where i told steve not to torture me cuz i want to walk for the next few days cuz last week he made me do 300 leg presses and dontknowhowmany walking lunges and i swear even sitting was torture for a week. i told steve abt my suffering and he said "thats what i call a good trng". okaylah, as long as u are hepi.
and one of the trainer asked me just now, "so have you thought abt which sport you want to join?" sigh.

no.

OMG, i actually recalled every single thing in my life, whats wrong with me. everything. i used to tell every single thing to him, but now he's gone so can you please shut up and move on, thank you. :(

i have to agree with everyone, i suck at moving on. im an emotional wreck, a loser, stubborn ass. ugh. aper ni maki hamun diri sendiri. haha. now im schizo. and i realised i have absolutely no account of how i got over my other exes. so i dont know how i used to do it, but right now, i tell you, its painful-to let go. like a big piece of hard shit thats stuck in ur rectum and it hurts like hell to let it go- yah, like that.

but today i went to ljs to buy lunch which i ate at home alone. (am i using too much "alone"?) and when i got home i got free potato-skin chips some mat working in the ljs kitchen must have put in for me, or some girl (who likes girls) could have done it, i wont be surprised. or maybe they accidently put it in, but whatever it is it made my day-a little, i think.
and in a bit, im gonna leave for another netball session until like 6 plus and after that to pandan where there'll be a rowing meeting. uhhuh, my day's not even half done and im so tired, i was sleeping like a log in the train just now. :(
and i seriously have to get out of this mood before i die. they say time will heal but time is moving so friggin slow when it comes to this. sigh.

sometimes i wonder whats he doing, how his day has been going, what work he has to do, whether he misses me or not. and there's nothing else to look forward to at the end of my days, other than doing work at home. GAAAAAH.
okay, i shall stop i shall stop i shall stop.

but how long more do i have to pretend that everything is okay,
when its not?

i just want to get over this, please God, please help me. :(

dah, bye.

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
when I thought that I was strong,
but you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me...
And all over me.

I live here on my knees as I
try to make you see that you're everything
I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though
I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know
is that you're keeping me down.

-Sara Bareilles

its more than a week now.
and im still crying.
i cant believe how weak i am,
MasyaAllah.
why am i doing this to myself?

sometimes, i'll tell myself that everythings gonna be okay and i shouldnt cry cuz its really not worth it,
but most of the time, it hurts too much :(

God, please save me.

Rocky said to his son:
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That´s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you worth, go out and get what you worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying: You ain´t what you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain´t you! You´re better than that!"

Im never a fan of boxing or Rocky, but that's one hell of a quote. ;)

i hate mornings,
bcuz u used to be the first person i think about when i open my eyes.

new yr resolution

and in 2010,

i cant wait to get so lost in God,
cuz they say "women should be so lost in God that men have to seek Him in order to find her", deep. :)

2009

like what else do u do at the end of the yr right?


2009 has been a crazy yr.

new yrs are like exams.
steve says, let 2009 pass and go.
yeah, like exams, they come and go, sometimes leaving u exhausted, sometimes exhilarated, but at the end of it all, u know its over.


9 eventful things that happened in 2009:
(and working with YOG have taught me to leave events with learning points, so here goes..)

1. the hoohaas about izzat.
too many to say. if i were to say it, im gonna cry, so i wont.
keep the good, forget the bad, they say.

lesson learnt: letting go.

2. went for a surgery that changed my life. 27 feb-
(my knee is my life okay.)
surgery and hospitalisation fees: $10k
cab fees back and forth woodlands and sports council for rehab and physio: $400
having friends that helped me tru the immense pain i was suffering: priceless.
and now im running and kicking, Alhamdullilah. :)

lesson learnt: go for rehab religiously right after surgery. its the most painful thing ever, but pain makes u stronger.

3. landing an internship with YOG.

lesson learnt: get a proper job, being an intern sucks. but okay, the experience was great. u have sprinters like seng song and polo boys like ren kai as ur colleagues. what more can u ask for as an intern? higher pay. HAH, u wait long long.

4. getting my first (and hopefully my last) D+ for exams.
social psychology. not really my thing. its the lecturer, i swear. pulled my grades down like sai. ugh.

lesson learnt: dont give ACL tear as an excuse for doing poorly for exams. blame the lecturer.

5. darwin happened.
waterfalls, plungepools, rocks and hundreds and hundreds of kilometers of driving.

lesson learnt: book your flight tickets early. go to the most random places in the world wiht the most random group of ppl and make it happen :)

6. silat ivp.
team manager seh, goes into my testimonial. not bad. leadership quality: check. good results? umm.

lesson learnt: acl patients make good team managers.


7. signed my life away with nie.
all i was thinking was, masters masters masters. insyaAllah.

lesson learnt: dont think too much, agree with nike, just do it!

8. lose to win.

was part of the team that made people lose weight and feel more confident abt themselves. who says u cant change the life of others?

lesson learnt: theres no such thing as fat people, only lazy people.

9. went globetrotting. wait, no. 3 countries, one island-trotting.
vietnam, cambodia, bangkok and phuket in a week. konon globetrotter lahhh.

lesson learnt: tell yr mum who you go holiday with.

its the time of the yr again to bid for modules. and it'll be my last.
i dont know whether i should be happy abt it,
or not.

dont come telling me its the season to be merry.
not when im having conjunctivitis and my eyes have been swollen from my incessant crying since tuesday.

i need to get a grip of my life, i tell you.
ugh.

i miss those carefree days when taufik batisah was everything to me and i was so damn good at mugging and netball.

the truth is out.

i guess he's really gone, for good.

i have to learn to cry less.
its making my eyes swell up real bad.

God, i trust that You have bigger plans for us,
InsyaAllah.

i've got a feeling.
that tonight's gonna be a good night.

haha. the song's stuck in my head.
and the video too. WATCH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvljD0toJmU
its amazingggg.
haha. makes u feel...
err,
good.

not like studying.
the thought of studying just makes you feel
not good,
at all.
ugh.

(thus, im taking this short break to write.)

im such a role model student, aren't i?
i'll be out of the school next yr.
cant wait cant wait.
on the other hand,
school makes u feel safe.
somehow.
dont u think?
sigh.
why cant we pretend we're still in secondary school,
where theres nothing to worry about but
whether the guy is hot or not,
which team will we be meeting in the tournament,
whether our socks are high and skirts are not too short,
and whether we've done enuf 10 yr series.
i hate growing up,
too fast :(

i went for an moe interview last week.
YES MOE. haha. i know i dont have the slightest passion to teach,
but coaching, absolutely.
so im gonna give it a go on the PDGE and teach PE and umm,
another subject which i havent thought abt it yet.
malay, maybe? hahaha!
i learnt that doesnt mean ure good at netball, u can be a good netball coach.
similarly, doesnt mean i got an A1 for higher malay, i can be a good malay teacher, no? heh.
i wasnt prepared for the interview at all. i dont know why i dint bother. its quite scary actually, the fact that i went for a job interview not feeling a tinge of worry,
not until when i was outside the interview room.
then i started to wake up and was like,
OMG. ITS A REAL INTERVIEW.
and started to panic.

i didnt read tru the list of interview tips b4 that.
i didnt go tru lists of questions they were gonna ask.
all i did was,
be myself. (chey mcm paham. but seriously, nil preps except for bringing my certs.)
there were three of them sitting in front of me.
first mistake i did, which i found out after the interview after reading tru some interview tips, was that i placed my arms on the table. HAHAHAHA. can u believe it i actually did that? zomg.
i shook their hands, and dint sit down until i was told. that, i passed. :)
the interviewers had some problems smiling, so i had to do smtg abt it. i made them laughed. plus point? haha.
it went pretty well actually. i left the room feeling,
satisfied,
considering that i had such minimal preperations.

and i got an sms recently saying that they'll be giving me a letter of offer for teaching position. how cool.
aisyah's interview tip #1: be yourself. :):):)

i dont know what shit made me want to join the teaching industry but when i looked at the courses the PDGE (PE) had, it made me excited. :)
career tip #16: find something to do that makes you tick. what makes you tick?
there you go.

like why do i bother waking up at 5am every tuesday to travel all the way to marymount to coach netball to a bunch of annoying p3s for 8 consequtive weeks?
the kids drain and suck the energy out of you butttt..
its the feeling i get when i leave the school after the session.
aww.

hahaha. omg. this is so weird.
i actually have a passion for something other than rowing. HAHAHA.

and talking about rowing.
i dont know whether i want in back.
of cuz definitely i would love to row again.
but looking at the path that i have just paved before me,
i dont know if im able to become the steel-hearted, girl who lost 8kg, determined, passionate, almost crazy, rower that i once was. wait, no. i dont know if i WANT to become that person again.

i know! its scary to say such things. rowing was part of my life for 4 yrs and to say such things is like dumping an ex boyfriend and biting him behind his back. how rude of me! :(

but cormac's pulling me into another sport and hopefully if all goes well, who knows i may be just the next Olympian. HAHAHA.
dont even get me started on silat.
i still have this burning desire to fight.
grr.

my knee's getting muchos better. Alhamdullilah. thank you to every single person who had been there for me. you know who you are :)

what's next?
looking at short term events, the exams are just round the corner. i dont know if its just me but this sem went past a bit too fast. dont u think so? scary.
and next sem is my last sem in nus.
zomg.
i've already planned out my post-exam activities, but not for exams.
i know.
im such a lazy bum bum.
kill me. :(

and i was just thinking,
if theres one thing i want to change in this world,
is for people to stop lying and stop cheating their partners.
spread love, not lies.

oh well.

okok, i shall go back to studying.
check out the vid yea. :)
worth yr 4mins, trust me.

oh and i realised i dint even mention about guys.
pats on my back.

aisyah g.

of lying and getting hurt;

sometimes i wonder if there's a limit to how much a person can cry.
can u really get blind by crying too much?
im worried.
my eyes friggin hurt from too much unnecessary crying.
and they get swollen and red.
and the pain stings.

and when your face is burnt.
and when the tears start rolling down your cheeks.
its like getting a double whammy.
not a good thing.

sometimes, some people are just not worth your tears.
i've come to realise that.
its about time huh.
oh well.

people around me are getting attached.
people i used to date are getting engaged.
no, im not jealous.
not at all.
i dont want to get attached or engaged,
not now.
im happy for them. i really am :)

i just wonder why do i have to go tru so much pain for,
for something i dont even know i can get at the end of this struggle.
and i dont know why im still here fighting,
when i can call it quits anytime i want.

lying is a bad habit.
when u start,
u cant stop.
it goes on and on and on.

i dont even remember lying to you.
i dont think i ever did.
not to say im an angel,
i know the things i say scar you.
but i dont lie to you.
its one thing ive stopped doing,
even after what u did to me.
because i know how much pain is caused when someone lies.

but i just dont understand why you have to lie to me.
its just not fair, isnt it?

i can take any form of pain.
incessant scoldings and harsh words thrown from a particular someone, being unnoticed or insignificant or easily forgotten, i can take and have taken the pain of an acl reconstruction.
but when u lie,
its just,
i dont know.

its even more painful than the 6 months of rehab i had to go tru for my knee.
and u know the post-surgery was the most painful moments in my life.
so can u imagine the damage a lie can cause?

cant be so baaadd! you may think.
because the people whom you love and care for you so dearly has never done it to you.
until u get to taste the pain of being lied to,
you'll never know how it feels like.

even if its some small petty issue.
lying is not a small petty issue.
not to me.

when we were together, i told the world i was with you.
when we broke apart, i was afraid of telling the world what you did to me,
because you were my world.

its not that i dont tell people the good side of you.
its just that u dont know.

i wish you'll just stop lying to me.
that's all i ask for.

today, i made bread pudding for my family for buka. but i forgot to buy ice cream to go along with it. it tasted quite bland, but my mum said it was nice. i dont know if she was just being nice or if she really meant it. :(
last week, i cooked aglio olio! it was so yummy my bro asked me how i cooked it. bangga okay. but the smell of garlic lingered on my fingers for a week. :(
next week, or maybe soon, like next month or something, i think, i will learn how to cook malay food. InsyaAllah. haha! omg cmi. (i learnt a new acronym this week! CMI!)

so how? good enough to get married? trying too hard?

i have a friend who's msn subnick goes smtg like: i cant wait to get married, get out of the house and live with my own future husband!

i dont know what to say, really.

guys simply cant be trusted.

its 2 weeks away to hari raya and i still havent gotten my baju raya. i mean i know its not important to get a new one every yr but alah, im a girl, people will notice right?
hahaha! omg, that is so burok.

school has been pretty okay. ive been revising here and there, ive miraculously become extra rajin by this bit: <---> Alhamdullilah.
oh, and my attempt to increase my attention span has been tremendously successful. i havent been sleeping in class for the past week. Alhamdullilah!
and and and
im gonna prove that forensic science lecturer wrong. im gonna prove to her that you dont have to always sit in front to be an A student. InsyaAllah.

and today, i bought my first ever keeper's gloves. semangat kebabs yo!
im playing soccer tmr. it will be my first ever since my injury. but steve said i should just play keeper. okay lah, at least im on the pitch, and the Arts team needs a keeper anyway.
i just hope i wont get injured, InsyaAllah.

playing with girls wont be that bad, will it?
lets hope not.

we played netball last week and trashed this faculty 33-0 (lets keep the faculty confidential to avoid extreme embarassment) haha. burok seh. my captain was like telling me to give them chance to score, but even with much great effort to try to let them score, they couldn't. i feel bad, really. :(

like how i felt bad when one of my classmates couldnt join us for class gathering cuz i reserved a non halal restaurant for 22 persons. even after i even did a research and tried my best to convince her that the ingredients are all halal only that they are cert-less.
sorry.

i guess this is it for today.
i told yatay that i will keep to my promise not to get attached until i graduate. she snorted.
2 ppl to prove them wrong, bebeh.

i secretly cant wait to train again- netball, rowing, silat, running, whatever. as long as i get to train and be able to complain abt how tough training is, and how much im aching and how tired i am from training. i cant wait!

giler!

memang.

best :)

if you ever had thoughts of cheating on ur partner, think again.
the repurcussions of cheating is awful.

you'll regret.
you apologize.
you seek forgiveness.
they forgive.
but they will never, ever forget.

if youve never been cheated on,
you'll never know what it feels like to have your heart ripped into two and you cant do anything to piece them back together. and healing takes a long, long time.
you'll never know what it feels to tell yourself over and over again that you hate that person but you know deep inside you still do love that person so much, you cant decide, you go crazy. you get depressed. and you allow them to destroy your life,
just like that.
and it takes months, and probably a yr or two to totally forget about that person,
maybe never.
you tell yourself you're strong.
when ur world inside crumbles beneath the facade ure hiding.
you date around pretending its okay,
when its not.

when you cheat,
you know you cant turn back time,
you know they dont trust you anymore
and you gotta work extra hard to gain that back.
when you cheat,
its a life of a person u once loved u take away.
and sometimes,
u'll never get back that person u once knew.

if you love someone, love that person wholeheartedly.
if youre not willing to,
dont go breaking people's heart.
its not a nice thing to do,
really.

cuz life feeds back truth in its own ways and time.
trust me.

an average person's attention span is this much:
<----------------------------------------------------------------->
recently, i discovered mine:
<-->
my aim is to bring it up to within this week:
<------->
bit by bit become big.
sikit sikit lama lama jadi bukit.

fasting makes u stronger,
a bit thirsty, yes, no doubt.
but stronger, definitely.

my brain just cant seem to accept that.
why oh why.
it cant be the setans cuz they're all chained up.
or is it cuz im old.
and weak.

then what, seriously, really, making me feel so so so so tired these days?
whats up with the world mama?

sticks out lower lip. je-back :(

if 65% of my brain goes to school, whereby 30% goes to health lab, 15% to developmental psych, 10% to PID, 5% goes to planet earth and forensic science each because they are not core modules, and the remaining 20% of my brain is geared towards YOG, 10% to my jobs as a personal trainer, a bootcamp instructor and a netball coach, with 33.33% each, and lets say i have 5% left for other nagging issues in my life, put them altogether they'll add up to 100% of my brain usage. if this goes on, i think i need another brain and another body, before my body crumbles and my brain deteriorates.
i need another Saiyidah Aisyah.
its not the money or fame im chasing.
graduate, get that degree, and then what?
honestly, i dont know what im chasing.
not even guys.
how do i even fit them into my life?
you tell me.
lets pray that this Ramadhan bring some good in our lives.
InsyaAllah.

sorry,
but i dont do this thing called trust anymore.

if i choose to trust, i choose love. and love means im prepared to get hurt.
honestly, im not prepared.
yes, i am a coward, but i dont want my heart to go tru whats its been thru again and again.
i told u this already.
im telling u again.

im waiting,
but im not ready.

---

its 7am lah dei. im waiting to go to school so i sempatzzz masok sini update, since i havent been doing so since 6 july. and of all the times in the world i have to update, i choose to do so this very morning.

i thought abt things ppl dont usually think about early in the morning. my brain works in ways i just couldnt fathom.

sometimes ppl worry cuz i dont think.
but sometimes i worry cuz i think waaaaayyy too much.

school's being a bitch, even though it just started.
i've been soooo looking forward to school, but i dont know why i just cant stay awake in lectures.
whats friggin wrong with me.
i feel like doing what my race does best, which is to quit school.
but its already my 3rd and final yr. i'll be such a loser if i give up now.

so tell me, what keeps you awake in class?
share your secrets. spill.
come on.

I NEED TO WAKE UP MY IDEA.

okay, off to school i go.

taa.

whats there to hide?
i was a cheater.
i was a liar.
its not that im proud of it.
im brutally honest,
that u must know.
ive had a bad past.
ive learnt to change.
i had been cheated on.
i had been lied to.
my life wasnt perfect.
my life isnt perfect.
i was an athlete.
i dream to be one again.
im nothing without sports,
u know that.
u just wont tell it to my face.
im tired of people being nice and lying to me.
ive been very, very patient with my injury.
the fever and deadly coughs are not making my life any better.
its gonna pass soon, i know.
its gonna take long, that i know too.
God is testing my patience.
Im grateful i have some to spare.
I would have died if i had given up hopes.
Im weak.
I dont trust anymore.
I dont think i'll fall in love anytime soon.
But i will learn to love again,
one day,
InsyaAllah.
My heart has gone through the toughest shit,
the most painful crap.
I dont want it to get beaten up
and shattered again.
letting go was the hardest thing i had to go thru,
apart from the stupid acl surgery.
first it was bcuz our religions disagree with one another,
then our mums dont approve of us.
whats next?
i cant wait.

i have dreams to achieve,
which i dont know if its even possible for me to achieve.
but they say,
if u dont believe in urself, who will?

he wasnt willing to go tru my dreams with me,

aim for something more rational, he says.

and, i was willing to wait for him, even if he took a decade.

noone doubts aisyah.

aisyah will prove them wrong.

im only 21.
or is it, im already 21?

i plan to travel the world,
change the world, if i can.
but its already so hard for me to change a person,
and i dream of changing the world.
who am i kidding.

maybe,
its just not meant to be.
it took me months to forget him.
yea, months.
thats how long ive been waiting to resume my life, too.
if it wasnt for faith, i would have gone mad.

Ive went through pain, not any 21 yr old would have gone through.
and now i've become stronger,
I hope.

now u know me.
what makes u think u can handle me?

im tired of you lying to me. can u PLEASE go lie to someone else, seriously.

ure a waste of time and space and effort. ure a waste of my life.
u cant keep to your words, even if it was for your own good. i mean seriously how hard is it to NOT SMOKE since uve not been smoking when we were together. and all i wanted for you to do is to friggin quit, for me at least. but NO. i guess whatever i said didnt friggin matter to you. then i wonder why i still bloody listen to what crap comes out from your filthy mouth. and u still dare doubt my abilities to reach my goal. and u put the blame on me making me the bad guy when all along it was you who had issues.

seriously boy, wake up your idea.

GROW UP.

im not lying abt the karma part.
it does happen whether u want it or not.
just becareful how life gives u back things u did to others.
been there done that.
dont say i dint warn you.

there you go, a waste of space even to mention about you.
im not even sorry im being crude.

---

AYG's over for me.
AYG makes me want to row again.
thats when it struck me like how an apple fell on Newton's head.
what the fish am i doing? im still 21. i was born an athlete. what am i doing here brooding abt a stupid leg injury and not doing anything abt it.

then the setan in my head will say, but what sport would want you? ure weak. ure so weak! who would want an acl tear patient for their sport?

AYG makes me feel young again.
at least 3 people thought im 19. i told them, lets keep it that way.
AYG athletes are hawt but looking at them and thinking "omg omg so hot so hot" makes me sound like a pedo! SO WRONG.

if you were to ask me whether i'd rather suffer my ass to organize something huge like AYG or to suffer my ass off to train for a big competition, i'd choose the latter. and ive made up my mind about that.

i should sleep the pain away.
yeah, sleep your existence away.

i think that some things are better left not known.

if im a kucing, my curiosity would have already killed me.

theres a rowing competition going on in singapore and its just amazing to know that they have conveniently brushed me aside like a fleck of dust on their filthy sleeve. i dont know whether to be sad that they dint inform me or happy that they have decided not to trespass my boundaries. but i do know that my heart aches knowing that i was once a rower and this is happening to me. why are they doing this to me? what have i done to deserve such treatment? and all i wanted was to help them, and spread my love for the sport.

next time i shouldnt have bothered and be selfish.
next time i shouldnt be too bloody nice.
learn, aisyah, LEARN.

ive been really sucky lately. ive not been going for physio bcuz work has been crazy. at least the ppl at yog appreciate my hard work and effort. even thought they pay me kacang. i enjoy doing what im doing. no one barking up my ass, noone making me cry everytime theres a meeting, noone to humiliate me, insult me, hurt me. noone to called me a "waste of time" or "useless".

ill always remember what haireez said to me, whenever possible, never work with your own people.
he's absolutely right.

im tired.

AYG's starting and theres soo much to do and i stayed in the office till 930 last night and i gave 1,000,0001 excuses why i shouldnt go for the fitnessbootcamp at ecp at 8am this morning for the tryout even after mum offered to send me to ecp i dont know why i said im not working and went back to sleep then i trained my client and went to gym and had to finish off some last minute ayg stuff which i have not finished and im sitting here now facebooking and blogging but not doing any work im at home on a sat aftnn and you went to a flea market and u said sorry cuz u dint ask me along but its ok cuz i was supposed to be doing work or going to van's birthday party which i couldnt go cuz i was supposed to work yes on a saturday but im not doing any work and omg im bored and im going crazy and i wanna go out im supposed to go for amaria's party too but theres so much work to do whats wrong with you, aisyah go do some work and not waste time feeling bored and stupid cuz u have work to do and go bloody do them and theres work tmr morning zomg zomg zomg but i love my job but im complaining abt it and its giving me so much stress and i miss my friends i wanna see them now but ecp is just friggin far and im such a lazy ass but i wanna go but i cant decide and im angry and sad and you had to make it worse i wish this feeling will just go away and i dont know what to tell the fitnessbootcamp guy cuz he was looking forward to see me on sat but if i were to go i would have to join in but i cant run/jump whatever ahhh excuses omg i wish TIME WOULD JUST FRIGGIN STOP, and let me think and breathe.
ugh.


its the period, i swear.

geramnyer!

zomg. im so pissed right now i could kill someone.
1. to whom it may concern, if you havent realised, ive been trying all means to get you but you're obviously avoiding me for some reason i dont know what. i told you already, if you dont wanna go, just tell me. i would find a replacement. dont force yourself to go if you dont want to. you can change the passenger, but not the destination. so pls. if youre out there, give me an answer so i wont get so mad. thank you.
2. if youre married and have kids, pls stay faithful. thank you.
3. work is bogging me down. ayg's in less than 2 weeks time. ive been busy with work, not going for physio, steve's angry and he made me cry. what if the only person who gave u hope gives up on you?
4. which part of: i cant play/kick/jump/run do you people not understand? if i can, i would but i cant. its not that i dont want to. i cant! GOD.
5. if ure not willing to stand up for the person you love, dont force yourself, you'll only make a fool out of yourself and cause someone else to get friggin hurt.
6. life is not all about money. pls, pls understand that, i beg you.
7. next time why not, when i reach ur friggin doorstep then u tell me ure not at home lah. ure house is only at the other end of singapore what, not that far. transport's quite cheap too.
8. im tired of working. i want to work. but im tired. i dont know what i want. no, wait. i do know what i want. i want to train. i want to be able to train again. i dont know in what sport but just train. i need to train to keep my mind of things. too many things going on in my head.
9. i suddenly feel like staying in sch for the 4th yr. i think someone needs to slap me.
10. i want my life back. GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK. this is depressing, seriously.
friggin knee.
ergh.

i remembered about half a yr ago, saying something like,"i did badly for my exams".
i remembered sometime ago telling myself to move on if i dont wanna get hurt.
i remembered reminding myself that all i wanted to do was to get back in shape, to be able to run again.
and im doing them again.
and again.
telling myself and being pissed and fed up and throwing tantrums, venting my anger at anyone who gets in my way, making them feel like shit, and feeling sinfully satisfied with that. i keep telling myself all these things, and the best thing is, i do nothing about them.
this is not aisyah.
GET OUT GET OUT.
i want myself back :(
but i feel so empty inside.
i feel dead like a pisang.

i need something exciting in my life.
i need some adventures.
i dont wanna grow old.
i dont want to start working if this is what working feels like.
it feels like ure damn friggin busy,
but u feel empty.
its ironic,
and scary.
its sad.
sad like how my arms wobble when i move them
sad like how my thighs rub against each other when i walk
sad like how i look horribly grotesque in clothes these days.

i miss being smart when i know i will get good grades without having to mug my ass off.
what is there to be embarrassed about? i got my first D. MasyaAllah, i dont even know how. its not that i dint study for it. i did. its just horrid. how stupid can a person get, seriously?
obviously, it pulled my grades down. ooh sad, yeah. im so unmotivated already. ugh.

and you wonder whats happening to me.
i ask myself that everyday.

this thursday, i will go for my biodex test which will determine whether i can start running or not. im not looking forward to it. today i was walking down the slope at my office which i felt a click. not good. i dont know. im just tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. im tired of everything. MasyaAllah.

and i miss being/look like/ feel like an athlete. i dont anymore. it was SO BAD, there was this rp girl who thought i was more like an artsy fartsy person, not an athlete. its sad, really.

i told you. this is not aisyah.
aisyah is not fair. im friggin fairer than many chinese people i know. when was the last time uve seen aisyah fair!!!
aisyah is not fat.
aisyah is not so stupid get D for her friggin exams.
aisyah is not like this. not at all.

whats wrong with me?

ugh.

i should watch nick vujicic every morning when i wake up.
i should feel disgusted complaining about this nitty gritty stuff in life.

whats wrong with me?? :(

its almost 2pm and ive been lying on my bed since 11am thinking what i should do today. im such a loser i tell you.

i am contemplating if i should cut my hair or not. you know i very itchy hand hot abit want to cut hair lah, give 12459248 excuses why i should cut lahh, later complain.

so should i?

aiyah. life is so tough.

then recently, i've learnt that to survive in life, you CANNOT be nice.

can you imagine someone telling you, "hey, sorry but ure too nice, im finding someone else for this job." WAHLAOEHHHH and i havent even met you lah sia and ure judging me from a conversation over the phone? rude or wat. seriously.

and taking the train rides in the morning also taught me that if ure nice, u bloody lose out. if you dont do your daily tak tau malu act by selitting in between 2 existing bodies in the train (esp at jurong east towards pasir ris) and risk the smell of ketiaks and horrid body odour, you dont get to work on time. then padan muker to you. so, ive learnt to stab the singapore lion (kindness movement mascot) on his back and pretend im like a blade of leaf, i tell myself, "i can squeeze in that space there. i can i can!" then there you go, selit away!

but i know, i know, for those who have safely secured their spot in the train and giving that face as though you've just won the national vertical challenge 2009, u feel like u just wanna give that penyelit a huge tight slap the face right? i feel you, brothers and sisters. once in a while, its okay to feel closer to fellow singaporeans. :)

mcm paham. i'll snear at ppl who step on my white adidas loafers, and dont say sorry. if u do that again im gonna scream OWWWWWW and make sure u say sorry.

my fellow countrymen and women (esp women, i realise) are rude creatures!

and i suggest people should invest in a bottle of deodrant, please. if youre too cheapskate, powder will do. it helps, trust me. if a huge fan of bedak wangi. it lasts me tru the day. in other words, i smell nice the whole day. BO in the morning train is a big NO-NO. ugh. and when u have sampah in ur mouth, try breathing thru ur nose and not talk in the crowded train. spare us the pain, please.

life is tough huh? kene mandi pagi-pagi, kene gosok gigi, kene pergi kerje and face the annoying shit-situations u get in the train.

once, at the bus stop, i saw this lady who kene taik burong on her hair, then she abit thick skin i think cannot feel, didnt realise theres taik burong on her hair, its colourless also but damn, i saw that friggin bird shat on her sia. then a few ppl around me saw the rude burong also, but noone went up to her and told her. i feel bad cuz i dint tell her cuz my bus arrived already. :(

sorry mr kindness lion, singaporeans are just born to be bad and ugly.

thats why i think, im an exception. :)

sorry world, im too nice. live with that.

i feel like an adult now, go work everyday, 830 to 630. fooyoh. much effort yo! soyjoy is little effort. sorry if youre the victim of my mengarotness is im bored at work. like sending you MUCH EFFORT good morning mms-cards:

if this goes on, id rather stay in school and force myself to take honours next yr. if not, can u believe it, im graduating next yr!!! i know, rapid kan. its scary. :(

but i dont want school to start. i dont know what i want, seriously.

now, let me get back to my thinking,

should i cut my hair or not?

CHAMPION

WHAT IS A CHAMPION?

really meh?
then i must be a champion. (eleh. stoppit eh. go learn how to run again first.)
dont push it ehh.
(why cannot push, they say if i push i become champion mah!)

horrid.
exams making me turn schizo.
i need antidepressants.
my seratonin levels are high! gimme prozac.
(wah prepared for biopsych nampak! biopsych jargons!)
(jargons remind me of jaggernauts from x-men. those brown helmet robot villians.)

giler eh?
memang.

...

i feel like a champion this week!

1. i dint go for physio/rehab for a week bcuz i was too busy. too busy doing what i dont know. it feels like studying is never ending. (ah complain complain. saper suroh last minute blajaaar!)

my knee lost strength cuz champion mah never train the leg. so, it gave way like 3 times.

CHAMPION knee.

2. but today i managed to achieve (almost) full range okay. except my straightening (off by 5 degrees) okay wut.

CHAMPION.

3. i dint sleep the whole night finishing up my TS1101E portfolio on set design. and went to school for practical exam the next day. thus the eye bags untuk takung air mata and gula gula. (my face sweet ma, i got mosquito bite on my chin today)

CHAMPION nyamuk.

4. the examiner asked me about light designs which was so..OUT and uncalled for and those kind of spot-the-not-ajer-tau-kuranghasam! questions. sengajer seh. takper.

CHAMPIONS pandai asap.

5. i actually studied and FINISHED reading the textbook (!!!) for social psych exam.

ini baru CHAMPION!

6. but i dint study the lecture notes where all the questions in the exams were based on. (same theory applies as champion factor no.4- kuranghasam! questions.) so i couldnt answer (like at all, i swear) 40 marks worth of questions. takper kater...

...CHAMPION kan?

7. i went for the GEK exam not knowing it was open book.

TAKDER LAGI CHAMPION?

8. i camwhored for the first time in many years. (bedek) its not everyday u get perfectlly coiffed hair mah! NAH! ini dia muker champion:

9. thursday got exam still can facebook and blog.

CHAMPION!

10.and last CHAMPION special mention goes to izzat. ah pergi jauh jauh lagi lah. tinggalkan orang.

ini satu kisah cerita tentang budak tinggi gala.
budak nama aisyah blajar banyak banyak sampai gila!

okay dah.
BLAJAR!

birthday :)

one more hour before i turn 21. lets see if i can finish writing this by 12am.
I DONT WANNA TURN 21. I DONT WANNA TURN 21! im freaking serious. you think im kidding?

dinie. says:
anw you OLD alr lor.
dinie. says:
you old, limp fit woman

ohno. ohno. ohno. says:
you should look forward to it!
ohno. ohno. ohno. says:
freedom!

emi j says:
i heard right
emi j says:
those who turn 21
emi j says:
have to study

THANKS, FRIENDS. i have really good friends :)

i have plans for tomorrow.
im gonna spend the day studying. how exciting!!!! i know. u can join me if you want.
(stop complaining, u sound like an old hag)
okay i shall stop.

my mum said "STOPPPIT ehhh" today. i cant remember for what reason but i swear she said that.
and today she blanja-ed my family at breeks. whats the occasion, u ask? nak kene sepak? actually its better if people dont remind me that im turning 21. hahaha. self denial siak budak ni.

(40 more minutes to 20th)
okay what else am i gonna say? okay umm. being 20 had been great. i think.
last yr i had no bday cake for the first time in my life,
i dint grow any taller,
i grew fatter,
i quit rowing (i cant believe i actually did it),
i met the most mengarot person in the world,
who broke my heart,
i almost died, but i didnt,
i got kicked during silat training and tore my ACL,
and it sort of ruined my life,
i survived the surgery,
as usual school life was never interesting,
and hello? why so pessimistic?
when i was 20,
my team won the challenge shield and mini oly,
i ran 11.2km for RunNUS and came in 13th,
i played netball for arts and came in 3rd for IFG,
i organized a rowing competition with 2 guys i can never live without,
i became a stronger person when he broke my heart.

EMO MOMOK. stop it, seriously.

and when i turn 21 what do i wanna do?
i dont know.
WOW.

and exams start on wednesday.
and end on the 5th of may. BEST KAAAANNN?
kiter tau.

so anyone who comes and tell me that they finish exams before i do, i'll gigit their heads.
try me.

and what about my leg?
i can walk fine now but some ppl say i still limp.
and my right leg is officially freaking smaller than my left leg. everyone who realizes it will go, OMG! IT IS SMALLER!
and so is my pantat lor, one big one small. u can see the diff if u take a closer, longer, harder look. but dont u dare. ill side kick u b4 u look at them. but WAIT, what pantat? im pantat-less :(
i can achieve full range already but only when my physio lipats my leg. yeah, literally fold my legs. is it painful?
i screamed and cried when she folded my legs.
im tired of complaining about how painful it is.
7 more months to full recovery.

InsyaAllah.

(20 more minutes) okay, last words form a 20 yr old aisyah:
i want to be able to run again.
and i wanna be able to love again. (aww)
happy 21st, aisyah.
mwah!

u know u love me,
xoxo,
HAHAHA stoppit.
bye!