merlion

MY RACE IS FINALLY OVER.
i bagged 3 silver for Singapore.

yay. a silver for the tertiary race W1X, a silver for the lightweight single scull LW1X and another single for me and elsie's doubles event W2X. im happy, tho not satisfied. but okay, i guess i have to work harder to get a gold.

the irans came. so did the indons, malaysians, thailand and the vietnamese. the irans were not so friendly people. so i didnt talk to them much. there were pretty hot guys but i wasnt interested. (gasp. aisyah? not interested?) im serious! there was an influx of malaysian rowers from various universities- UNITEN, UTM, UM.

i didnt take many pictures cuz im supposed to be focusing on my races.
i dont even have a picture of my boat.
my red, sexy, hot, chili padi BBG boat.

okay pause. something just happened and im in no mood to blog.

ergh.

lets just post pictures.

team singapore!

tertiary W1X: i got 2nd. the iran girl was 1st and thai girl 3rd.

me and elsie.

W2X: we got 2nd, iranians 1st and the indons 3rd.

my malaysian sister!

malaysian mat- abang zul.

me & nurul at the hotel.

cuz i just love malaysians!

oh yes i do!! :)

singaporean, malaysian & indonesian.

brought them to mustafa centre for sightseeing on their last day in singapore. DONT ASK ME WHY MUSTAFA CNTR. it wasnt my idea. they were bored. buses were catered to send them to mustafa from 11 to 3. THEY WERE FREAKING BORED. and so was i. nic and family and the officials went to eat at sakura international buffet and i was at mustafa. elsie took the thai team to snow city and i was at mustafa. not paid. best.

im pissed.
right after the race, i started binging. like mad.
i gained 3kg.
which took hell to lose.

we had a SHREK FEAST la, pls!

after: we turned fat and green like SHREK! oh, princess fiona for me.

im also pissed.
because i have a sty in my eye and its causing my right eye to swell and it looks like a humongous eye bag and i look like i havent slept for days.

so aisyah's on a diet again. now its DO OR DIE. and i gotta lose those excess weight by early early july cuz most probably im going japan for a competition. japan sounds exciting but losing weight doesnt.

and i neeeeed a job. but i need to train. but i need those fulus. i need a life. im so not looking forward to university life.

im lousy.

grar.

gotta go run.

running.

i am officially DARK, if not tanned. and proud of it. :)

im still rowing, everyday, mind you. no more weights cuz coach tapered off the training intensity cuz the races are just round the corner, 3 days to be exact. freaking 3 days. my first race will be on thursday. and if i somehow manage to get into the lightweight and if i'm still rowing on doubles with elsie then i'll have 2 events on that day. exciting or what. tell me abt it.

so my thighs have 3 colour tones now due to the different lengths of tights i wear for training and i know that was so unnecessary to announce but i thought u might as well know.

mum is still not allowing me to stay over at pandan for what shit reasons she has to give me. im annoyed. staying over would allow me to wake up at 7 instead of 5am. and would reduce my transport costs to about $4 a day and my food money as well. ergh.

so okay, i told my mum i wanted a power puff girls bedsheet cuz i saw one at the display bed at this furniture shop and i kinda like it. she went shopping for bedroom stuff the other day and told me that its not the ppg season now so she bought me barbie.

and it looked like this:

i know. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

so okay. next time i'll go shopping for my own bedsheet alright.

last week i visited my nutritionist at sports council and she gave me quite a lot of stuff for my diet. 10 packets of Resource Plus, some Quaker Oats bars and Powerbars. i've been watching my weight like CRAZY for the past few days, eating so so much less it comes to a point where all i eat is yogurt and fruits and its FREAKING annoying to know how little nak mampos weight i lose and worse still finding out that i gained weight the next day, despite training 2 hours everyday and committing myself to an hour of run in the evenings. and to be extra careful even on how much water u consume cuz every farking ml counts. like the other day i was happily losing weight when one fine day after the hr long run i drank a lot cuz my throat was dry and i didnt feel like eating so i drank. and drank and drank and the next day even after trng i found out i gained one freaking kg. this is crazy shit, i tell you. faaarking crazy. and woohoo my family support comes up to NIL. mum still cooks the same way, fried chicken balls and nasi lemak that day. best. and my brother drank one packet of my Resource plus so i have 9 to last me for a week. power or what. its not that i dont like to share but this shit is so important to me. if u take one away, i'll have one less to last for my diet. then i'll be more hungry mungry :(

look at the portion of the home refrigerator i have to myself.

9 packets of Resource Plus, yogurt, Brands Innershine and a big bottle which is empty cuz im too lazy to refill it.

liquid diet consists of consuming 6 packets of this per day, and nothing else.

and it comes in 3 different flavours. exciting or wat.

syahir is prolly the only member of the family who's giving me the most support. like accompanying me run, even though its right before his malay exams. but he doesnt care abt malay.

and shaik got pregnant. he's a male seahorse.

and he's getting old too. look at his white hair.

dont start telling me not to pluck out white hair cuz it will make more white hair grow. bullshit. i did it way back in sec school and look, im white hair free now.

and i sooo gotta do my daily evening jog. sigh.

i cant wait for the race to be over.

oh please do come down and support me.

suffering but surviving.

pondering

aye.
im just waiting for evening to come by so i can go out and meet raf cuz i'm gonna watch pirates of the carribean with her, savvy? haha.
YES YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT!
she invited me to watch with her at the gala premiere tonight. (oh shit. my spelling is so bad i had to look up the online dictionary to check out how to spell premiere.)
yay yay. im gonna watch it tonightttt. yay yay im gonna watch tonight~
muahahaha. aisyah's so annoying, i know.
and it wont open until like what, next week? yay yay.
i love rafidah. i love rafidah. i love rafidah.
hahaha.
giler.
anyways, i've been going for training almost every morning. cuz the competition starts next week. NEXT WEEK! i still have some more weight to lose if not i couldnt qualify for the lightweight category. grar. been trying to cut down on my meals and shit. suffering? totally. but yesterday, i found out that i lost about a kg in 2 days so im quite happy. yay. absolute NO for stupid liquid diets which made me binge right after the diet sort of ended.i can say that im doing quite good. and i really do hope that i could do well for my race cuz i realised how much ive sacrificed for this.

the pressure is on. i can taste it at the tip of my tongue.

trainings have been okay and not so intensive cuz coach says i have to build up my endurance. quality, not quantity, he always says. sometimes, i wanna do well- for him. for coach. he's not say a perfect or best coach but for everything that he's done for me, for the past 2 years, i wanna repay them all by doing well, for this year at least. he may be stubborn and hypocritical at times but then to think again, so is my grandma and all the old ppl in the world. he can be pretty annoying when i row but thats just part and parcel of being an athlete. his programs are not the best, maybe not even good, but i know he tries so hard to make sure we all go out there and win something. the only major flaw i find in him is communicating with the athletes. he's not really into sports psychology and shit like training the mind of the athletes thats why i realised that i have to build up this aspect of myself on my own. that includes being strong psychologically, being mentally prepared for races and having the perseverance, determination and all that shit.

and that paragraph was so random but i thought well maybe he deserved some credit. haha.

so rowing for 2 hrs straight has become a norm. when i first started trng after the stupid accident, i found catching up damn hard. i cried everytime i rowed. fatigue starts to kick in, getting out of breath easily, the strong annoying winds that blow in all directions, the merciless sun shining so ignorantly brightly i can actually feel the heat burning my skin, bad techniques, slow pace, stupid PUB boat which creates massive waves, all kinds of excuses and things to blame i would find. and it made me feel terrible. like its all my fault that the accident had to happen. its my fault i wasnt wearing shoes while cycling. my fault that i couldnt row for 3 weeks. its all my fault. so i cried and cried. and cried. anger. sadness. misery. guilt. disappointment. depression. everything. and the program that i do most of the time is steady state for like 17km thats why when it gets quite sian (most of the time) i'll start to ponder about all these things. silly me.

but now i guess everything's going alright. even though i know my performance would be much much better if i hadnt had the accident but right now, this is the best i could do for myself.

oh but horrr. for the past 2 days when i walk into the training centre alone, ive been freaked out by banglas. my bangla-o-phobia's back to haunt me. yesterday one of them waited for me outside the gates leading into the rowing centre. i pretended to wait for a taxi and talked on the phone. i was so scared i cried while walking in. today, another bangla was staring at me when i walked past. he actually stopped cycling and stared at me you know! like gonna eat me up! i quickly walked up to the reservoir. and he cycled away. faaaark these people. another one and i swear im gonna complain. stupid people.

ergh.

whats with me and excessive crying anyway. too much oestrogen in my blood. not good. makes me look like a crybaby. sheesh.

anyway i was sitting on my couch just now doing absolutely nothing, (yes, i am that free.) when i suddenly thought of those good old secondary school days. sec 1 and 2 was when we hanged out alot at lot 1 after school having the major dilemma of where to eat forcing each other to decide a place, sharing stupid lame jokes, laughing like we own the place, laughed until our jaws hurt and we cried, chilling out watching chick flicks at elly's, playing with john2 who doesnt really like to play with us, eating elly's mum's yummy finger foods, taking the train together, talk loudly in the train, cheering competitions, practicing and rehearsing at random cck void decks, getting weird stares and complains by residences, yu hao as my partner, silly, garish, outrageous class tees we never wear them to go out now, me getting top 10 in class (wchich never happened again after sec1 and sec2) being in the best class, with the best people, having the bestest friends. best times. (oh shit. i feel like crying.) and now the guys are in army. the girls are working (or bumming around like me). miss ong yi pin is long gone but not forgotten (haha!). everyone has gone on their different ways, doing different things, at different places. sometimes i wonder if i am the only person who misses those days we spent together. will they even remember me in the next 10 years? imgaine if we have a class reunion in 2017. we'll prolly go with our husbands or wives and kids. omfg. so exciting.

sec3 and 4 were alot different. my class was detched from the rest cuz we had cabin classrooms. surrounded by smelly and pervetic boys who can talk all day abt sex and porn. in front of ME! being in a class filled with nerds and geniuses sometimes i wonder how i ended up there. the most annoying person sat next to me throughout 2 years but i still miss him tho. lesser hanging out at lot 1 cuz we mug quite a lot. being the only class to end school at 2.4opm (and shit i still remember) when other classes can end as early as 12.30pm. failing physics and amaths. being bottom 20 in class. pimples. white hair. pressure. countless past year papers. ten years series. whoa.

imagine zin htet 10 years later with a gorgeous burmese wife and junior kyaws. hahaha.

and will eben and shang long end up together?

will yi shin have a girlfriend for real?

try and visualise little shahrils!! omg.

one thing for sure, BP totally changed my life.

sniff.

aisyah's so emo these days. why ah?

gala gala premiere, gala gala syalala!

excited nyer. i wanna meet celebs. wonder who i can see tonight? taufik? hahaha.

random entry i know.. hoho.

dont be jealous im watching potc TODAY hor.

i love rafidah.

and the ha-lame girls.

and everyone else mentioned in the long grandmother stories above.

i met liyana at causeway point and i miss her.

and khadijah NEVER fails to send me a birthday card every year.

emo sey, minah.

married!

so mum got married.
so whats my type of family do i have now? ULTRA nuclear extended plus plus plus?
nyaha.
she's so happy. just look at her.

she was so happy, she cried.

my nenek was happy too.

so she striked a pose.

the makciks were elated,

they came and conquered the scene.

and i tried too hard to blend in.

everyone's happy. like shaik.

like my brother.

like me.

but there's a time to get down to business.

then we got hungry.

my brother went crazy.

so did i.

WE WANT FOOD!

after all the makcik-pakcik cam whoring session,

we had a feast.

and this is my nephew, Sameer Ali - the cutest creature alive.



THE END.

mum has a new husband.

i have a new stepdad AND

a new roomie.

i got chased out of the room i used to share with her.

and grandma watches indonesian programmes on TV 24/7.

exciting.

lets just be happy for her shall we?

she insists that i stay at home. no staying over at pandan. no hostel. nothing i do will ever make me change her mind. or is there another way i havent thought of?

and my stepdad's okay lah. his frequency may be far from mine (oh, u have NO IDEA.) but he's a nice guy. so my brothers and i laugh when he jokes cuz he's a nice guy. i dint say he was funny.

lalala.

im like 96.57% recovered now. my knee's fine except for the ugly scar. :( my toenail's growing. its halfway there. doesnt look gross anymore. no pus. no bandages. im freeeee! i can walk i can run i can skip i can jump i can wear socks and shoes and dance and fly. YAY.

i've been training hard. not yet EXTRA hard but at least i know ive been improving since the accident. so after the worst 3 weeks of my life living like a pig. when all i did was eat sleep limp around laze around complain whine. when my stamina went down to negative hundred. when my muscles transformed themselves into flabs. when i gained weight. now i feel super brand new. one session everyday. has successfully reset my biological clock to be able to wake up feeling refreshed at 5am. got my tan back (hurray). slowly getting the muscles, strength, stamina and all that shit back. but the only most annoying thing in the world is my weight which never seem to shed no matter how much i train, how little i eat, how much effort i put in losing it. ergh. and its like the most important thing in the world right now cuz if i dont reach the desired weight by june i cant compete and if i cant compete i wont be able to go SEA games.

now THATS bad.

my nutritionist (oh yes, i do have one. exciting isnt it?) planned a liquid diet for me last week cuz i told her that i cant seem to lose any weight. she gave me 12 packets of this drink thats supposed to make u feel full and top up ur vitamins, minerals give u carbo and protein and all the shit lah that u can find in normal healthy food. so i followed the diet plan religiously. drink 6 packets a day spread them out throughout the day evenly. no solid food for 2 freaking days. nothing else. only the so-called miracle water and plain water. and its supposed to make me lose weight. but it didnt okay. so my effort went down the drain like that. imagine not eating solid food for 2 days. the horror i tell u.

result: unsuccessful. totally, please.

went shopping with raf the other day. OH u must go shop. the great spore sale is around the corner, actually it has arrived. TANGS is a must go. me and raf bought the same white 3/4 skirt from isalnd shop which was $189 and slashed down to $9. freaking true. she was so happy lah. she bought 2 pairs of shoes from mondo for only $15. i had no mood for shoe shopping, YET, cuz my toe's not fully recovered. and daniel yam dressed going from $30 each. SO EXCITING. but too bad im kinda penniless cuz im not freaking working like my other friends cuz I CHOOSE TO ROW. what most of them earn for a day, is what i earn for a month. and im serious.

air force medical check up soon. my compass test results did not match up to be a pilot (hoho. so expected) so they put me in WSO.

got an interview for NIE next monday. its my FIRST interview after the As. i know many of u out there have been through many and some even claim they went through an interview marathon (my god!) so be happy for me can?

and i got accepted into FASS @ NUS and the sports science course i applied for in Edith Cowen Uni in Perth. everyone said i should just get my degree in singapore. even though sports science is what i really want. aiyah. to think is so leceh.

anyhooo.

i gotta run and lose all these babbbatttts.

AISYAH. can run.

weeeee.

recovery

okay, rafidah. here's the update. are u happy now? haha. i love you loads.
so yes. aisyah's back on her feet. and soon, her toes.. hurrayyy.
there mum goes again, "kan dah boleh jalan merayap lah tu."
once a mum, always a mum. she's like pringles, cuz once she pops, she wont stop and of course i was referring to her nags. nags. nags. incessant annoying irritating noise polluting nags. but i still love her anyway. and she's getting married this saturday. and im gonna miss her. not her nags, please. and okay, i hope she's happy. she is happy as a matter of fact. new clothes, new bags, new shoes, new jewellery set. her diamond ring is like gorgeous. women- when they're happy, they shop. like, what else? seriously. im really happy for her.
but she's not happy at all to see the state of my room. okay sorry ive been invalid for like the past 3 weeks and sorry u have such a lazy bum daughter whose room looks like SHIT. okay i agree it does. but okay i'll clean it up soon. okay. OKAY. soon will be like before your wedding on the fifth and YES i'll do it. OKAY! i know im supposed to clean right after the As but sorry i was too busy back then and argh. let me just move into a hostel or something so noone will ever have to nag about how horrible my room looks like. oh, and ive learnt my lesson. never mention "university hostel" to my mum ever again. cuz once she hears that word, she'll say NO right before i finish my sentence.
and they say daughters will grow up to become just like their mums. oh no. i hope i dont nag. please, no.
okay i admit ive been out alot lately. but i dont merayap or loiter around wasting precious time. ive been going to the sports medicine & research centre at kallang for my physio and rehab sessions. sounds like ive been involved in some serious accident. and they laugh when i told them i fell riding a bicycle. my physio said, "water sports people cant cycle and shouldnt cycle." my rehab trainer said, "if u injured urself not serving the nation, get out of the gym." and (hot hot hot) dr cormac said that my toes were unique which was a subtle way of putting "deformed toes". they're nice people lah, seriously. its like a silver lining behind a cloud (is that how that saying goes? haha. something like that lah.) i realised if i havent got involved in this stupid silly accident i wouldnt have known anyone from the sports council whom actually cares for people like me. i mean seriously, even the rowing people over at the rowing centre dont give a damn about my condition and shit and these people whom ive only known for like 3 weeks want me to get back into shape fast so that im fully prepared for my race in june which is so damn important because this championship will determine whether or not i get selected in the sea games this year! and that was such a long sentence! SHIT.
talking about rowing, once they take out the stitches tomorrow, (yes. tomorrow. shudders.) im back on my feet and rowing oh rowing, running oh running, here i comeeee! hurray hurray. i just freaking hope there's no side effects like swelling feet and shit and i really hope it doesnt hurt to run cuz SHIT i miss running. and rowing, definitely. like SUPERRR. grar. WAIT, and i hope it wont hurt when they have to take out the artificial toenail tomorrow too. oh no. i hate the pain. give me rowing pain, muscle pain, cramps, bites. those i can stand. but needles, stitches, lots and lots of blood and toenail pain, i cant take it. and how come they always say that since im a rower im able to take pain. i think thats bullshit. im a human for goodness sake.
okay. looks like aisyah is back to normal. like no more moody broody aisyah. yayness.
okay. so while i was still in cacat mode, limping around, hazi, raf and azza came over to visit me and we were oogling over hot jap guys watching hanadan. thanks to hazi im like almost addicted. omg. they bought 2 pints of ben and jerry. azza bought chips and cookies over and it was like a mini pigging out day! it was so fun. and they wanted to race me to the door. and when we wanted to take pictures they were like, "lets all look like aisyah! look retarded!" whoa. thanks, friends. how nice of u guys to come over and make fun of me. i still love u guys ANYWAY.

and look all 3 of them are relief teachers and im in my pyjama tee.

random caption. but anyway. yes. then amaria and ruth treated me at seoul garden! so much for im-supposed-to-lose-weight-desperately-regime!

and surprise surprise! they are teachers too.

my current occupation? u really wanna know?

sigh.

and on my birthday, my family went out to eat at Eatzi at safra yishun which is the new halal subsidary of jack's place. ive decided that if my future husband cant afford a wedding at fullerton hotel, then maybe safra yishun will do. i tried their mixed grill which was lamb chop, chicken chop and beef, with egg and hot dog and potato with sour cream and green peas and guess the price- $18. its a must try. i love it. and i bet u'll love it too.

yummmmmy.

thats just me & syahir.

so yes. eat eat eat. thats all i did for the past 3 weeks. no training. no running. no wonder the fats. and have u seen my muscles? i bet u havent cuz they're all gone. like they totally transformed themselves into thick fat flubber. grar. depressing. but lets not think about it, shall we?

i cant wait to get back my tan either.

and marks and spencer's triple chocolate crunch cereal is back. what are u waiting for? grab $8 and run to the nearest M&S store right now. this cereal is DOPE! worth every single cent of that 8 bucks u fork out, trust me.

like, food again. whats up with food and me? and they're setting up a bazaar next to causeway point which means roti john, ramly burger and youtiao! oh no!

i just cant wait to wear my shoes again, row my ass off, run for hours and play soccer! but that also means that im back to full time training, no work, no money, no life.

if u ever hear me complain one bit about rowing, whack me will you?

a week later.

Mika - Grace Kelly

ive been attempting to do happy things lately.

like waking up late, really late, in the afternoon, so i can skip breakfast, so i get to cut down on those calories cuz usually its a must have to eat a hearty meal for breakfast. but usually i end up eating heavy lunch which is a big no-no.

like watching happy videos. russell peters never fair to crack me up. he's dope, man. and mad tv videos. oh gawd, seriously funny shit. check this one out about the iRack, a pun on Iraq:

and like listening to happy songs like grace kelly by mika, girlfriend by avril lavinge, candyman by christina aguilera and im yours by jason mraz. i know. anything to make me happy, baby. and i'll watch their music videos over and over again. for that, i love you tube. and the guy in avril's girlfriend video is super cute. oh shit, do u miss aisyah saying that? cuz i sure do miss myself saying that. sigh.

like writing silly poems and songs and raps for random people, random things, random stuffs. scribble on my book, the paper. and reading them to random people like syahir just to annoy him or shaik.

like laughing at funny shit pictures like this:

this is supposedly the trend of the heart-shaped afro hair.

and this:

lady in tudung on the packaging of a shampoo.

and taking pictures of my injured leg:

and the scar on my face:

just for the heck of it.

cuz i got so much time to kill.

and THATS killing me.

now my leg will swell when i walk. like on sat i went to my cousin's wedding. i was wearing baju kurung and walking with crutches. dont try to picture it. my leg was a-okay in the morning. i started walking around alot to salam my relatives. i had to repeat my story over and over. everyone couldnt believe i was involved in a cycling accident. it was like a humiliation to fall and injure myself this bad while cycling. my cousin was convinced that i was involved in a motorcycle accident, another one thought i was involved in a fight and my uncle thought i injured myself while playing soccer. haah. and walking around made my leg swell up so bad, so damn bad it hurts so much, i had to go home.

oh look, the wedding venue was gorgeous btw. one of the few nicer void deck wedding decos ive seen so far:

and this was the meal zak and sha cooked for me the other day. thought i might share it with u guys:

yup. so thats it i guess. things i do to make myself happy. next week, im going on to more productive things. cuz i have done lots of thinking (hoho. yes LOTS) and i realised im just wasting time if i dont find anything productive to do. and i cant sit down or lie down doing nothing cuz i'll end up crying, i swear. happened loads of times.

any suggestions?

and they say this is a test from God. so i shall accept it with open arms.

after the fall

last sunday was like this ultimate turning point in my life.
since the fall, ive been brooding at home, waking up in the afternoons, having breakfast at 12pm, sleeping when there's nothing else to do,
and there is nothing else to do,
so all i do is sleep,
eat,
stare,
sit,
shift,
sleep,
eat,
and the cycle repeats itself.
like the life cycle of a depressed and dying creature.
the greatest distance i covered is to walk from the bathroom from my room to the kitchen.
the most exciting thing i did was to have my dressing changed at the polyclinic.
i still cant stop thinking about it.
the slope.
the fall.
the pain.
the blood.
and shit, the 3 jabs of anaesthetic on my toe still makes me shiver.
the wounds on my knuckles, wrists, elbows and face are pretty much recovering fast. but the bruises on my thighs are still painful.
i saw my toe the other day i went to change the dressing at the polyclinic.
it was disgusting.
the artificial nail was placed on my toe where my toe is supposed to be. and there's two strands of thread around my toe to keep the nail in place. the nurse said there's no stitches on my skin. but she doesnt know what's underneath the nail. it was still bloody and shit.
it still hurts
like fark.
shahul had to say,"it looks pretty. like a manicured toenail."
i shouted in pain and got scolded by the nurse behind the curtains.
pampered child, she said.
at that moment i wanted to push her down a slope on a bicycle and make sure her toenail got ripped off.
bitch.
the wound on my knee is recovering as well.
when i left the room, people were staring at me. one lady said,"poor girl, so young."sigh.
today i went to change the dressing again. i was happy when i woke up this morning cuz i could walk faster, well, okay, just a little, but anything to make me happy, okay. today, i dont have to wait for an hour for my queue number to appear cuz i already have an appointment with the dressing nurses. and today, the nurse who scolded me the other day was the one who changed my dressing.
shit, i know.
she was damn rough la. i dont know whats her freaking problem.
like hello bitch, im in pain, can u like slow down a little and treat it nicely?
omfg. i was badly holding back my tears cuz i dint wanna get reprimanded again.
she asked, "oh were u the one who was screaming the other day?"
uhhh. she actually remembered. should i feel honoured?
the wound was so dry the gauze got stuck to it. so she had to rip off the gauze and shit lah, it was just freaking painful.
"i know its painful," she said.
...
i saw my toenail up close today.
i almost vomitted i swear.
it looks so bad, the nurse thought i was involved in a motorcycle accident. sheesh.
one look at my toe and i know it will take weeks to recover and till then, no rowing. right there and then, all i wanted to do was to curl up in my bed and cry.
the flesh right next to the nail was like flat, u know u're supposed to have this ridge where the sides of ur nail comes in contact with ur skin? well, mine is flat which means the flesh there is gone.
"it will grow back...soon," shahul happily commented.
recovering is one thing, waiting for the farking toenail and flesh to grow back is another. i cant wait anymore.
i cant. :'(
when she exposed my toe, it just hurts like hell lah.
i simply couldnt describe the pain.
and the wound on my knee still hurts like farrrk. its still bleeding. still red and raw. there were loose strands of the gauze on the wound and she happily picked it out with the pair of plastic tongs.
i was just praying it would be over soon.
and i was walking even slower when i came.
so much for the improvement in the morning.

coach called me yesterday.
rowing.
its all i think about since i fell. ive been training like SHIT since january. earning only a few hundred dollars every month from the camps ive done. while my friends can earn at least a thousand or almost a thousand every month. other than that, im still surviving on my mummy's wallet. and my paycheque always goes to handphone bills.
sacrifice.
u have to make sacrifices to become a successful national athlete.
sacrificing work to train full time.
setting myself personal goals and targets to improve everyday. to be able to work my ass off into the sea games. i was already settling in comfortably in that phase where i was willing to do whatever it takes to row and produce results.
and just as i was celebrating my success of losing my tummy fats,
it happened.
how can i not think about it?
waking up 5am everyday, 15 rounds around the stadium every evening. weights lifting of 200 reps. just when coach complimented on my improvement during my water time trial,
it happened.
i was at that stage of an athlete's life when everything was smooth sailing. how can i seriously not feel like SHIT?
YOU TELL ME.
and now i sit at home, sleep and eat.
whine, cry.
my whole life totally changed.
okay, im pessimistic, they say.
what else have u got to say?
is that the best u can do?
its not as easy as you think.
trying to make so many people happy, when u yourself are not happy.
life's a bitch.
okay, so i shouldnt think about the past, look towards the future.
ahh, i see myself starving to lose weight cuz if i dont freaking reach the lightweight target by may i freaking cant get selected into the sea games and id rather freaking die.
and months of training, all that stamina and strength and what shit, all back to square one.
amazing how one stupid day, one stupid mistake, can totally change your life.
im sorry im being whiny and shit.
i just cant get over the fact that im unable to do things i really wanna do and like hazi put it nicely, im invalid.
this strong feeling of utter regret.

pause.

okay, so its my fault that i went cycling and didnt tell mummy about it.
karma.
what goes around, always comes around, no matter how hard u try to hide it, stash it in the bin, burn it to ashes, throw the ashes into space, God will always find all kinds of ways to make it come around. its like death.
inevitable.
almost everyone who found out about my accident said the same thing, learn your lesson, aisyah.
taking freaking 5 mins to walk from my kitchen back to my room sure does taught me a lesson. never to take things for granted. and if it ever crossed ur mind that im being treated like a princess at home where my family members will do things for me and shit, im sorry, never happened. my mum accidently kicked my toe twice. hurrah. and i dont see whats so fun pretending that ure about to step on my toe or kick my knee. and if u ever do, oh, ure in so deep shit. and dont try to run away.
i've learnt one thing for sure, never to cycle down a slope ever again. period.

okay, lets look on the bright side.
zak and sha visited me the other day. they came over and fried nuggets, potato wedges and fries. and the glutinous rice balls. oh, from my own freezer, mind you. but okay, they were so sweet.

and shaik buys me dinner every night.
i know.
sweet.

things people do for love.

get well soon, aisyah.
cuz i freaking cant wait to row anymore.
ergh.
and sorry guys, aisyah will never stop whining, for as long as she lives.

the fall

they say, theres always a first time for everything.
like the first time u fell from a bicycle.
it happened so fast.
it was ur first time on a bicycle.
and u went out of control.
and u fell into the big monsoon drain.
u lost conscious.
when u woke up there was this good looking policeman touching ur face.
u saw ur dad kneeling next to u.
there were several other policeman looking down at u.
u were lying on the fading flower printed sofa in the police station.
ceiling fans.
the awful smell of alcohol.
the goodlooking one asked u to breathe out through your nose, hard.
u tried.
it hurts.
but u did.
u tasted blood.
u saw blood oozing from ur nose.
the tissue paper was soaked in blood.
u passed out.
that was what happened when u were 3.
yet u still remember the incident so clearly playing in ur mind.
like it happened yesterday.
amazing things our mind does.
and on easter sunday, 8th april 2007, it happened again.
it was the first time in years u rode a bicycle on the road.
u did. once. at pandan loop.
and u almost got hit down by a car, driven by this indian man, with 3 indian children in the car.
a maroon car. coming from your right.
it was scary shit.
he horned so loudly, it almost made u go deaf.
no more road cycling, u tell yourself.
but kids these days.
dont listen.
so stubborn.
just like you.
on that unfortunate sunday, u went cycling.
there was a steep slope.
he said, dont press the brakes.
he was at the back.
okay, u shouted, i wont.
u went down fast.
rapid.
then there was a hump.
you dint know what to do.
u pressed on the brakes.
instant reflex action.
and the next thing u knew, u were dragged on the ground.
for like 2 metres or more.
u lied there on the hot tar road.
not daring to move.
afraid.
u stayed still.
numb.
silent.


then u saw him running towards u.
u attempted to move.
knowing u're still alive.
thats when the pain started to seep in insiduously.
u looked down on ur left toe.
the big toe.
it was soaked in blood.
that was when u realised,
the toe nail wasnt there.
that was when u felt,
the most excrutiating pain.
ever.
u cried.
u screamed.
u couldnt take it anymore.
u dint know what to do.

mr good samaritan walked over.
drove u to the hospital.
ur foot was bleeding so badly.
his car was bloody.
it was so so so so
painful.
u couldnt stop crying.
faces u've never seen before we staring right at u.
they know they cant do anything.
but they kept on telling u that everything will be okay.
but u know it wont be okay.
u cried.
and cried.
and u took a glance at the mirror in front of you.
and u saw the abrasion on your left jaw.
red and raw.
u looked away.
and continued crying.
like the world's gonna end.
its okay, they say, relax.
like its that easy.
when u reached the hospital,
more strange faces were watching u cry.
u cried like it didnt matter.
u didnt cared how ugly u looked.
how terrible u sounded.
how many people were looking,
how many people were watching.
hopelessly.
helplessly.
u just wanted the pain to go away.
the blood from your nail-less toe went
drip
drip
drip
the cleaner had to mop the floor
twice
u couldnt take it anymore
the wait was too long.
the pain was unbearable.
u cried loudly.
the nurse gave u 2 jabs of painkiller.
u waited some more.
they took an xray of ur injured foot.
blood was still oozing out from the wound.
it was sick.
so sick, when ur dad saw he almost passed out.
u waited some more.
at the operating theatre,
u waited some more.
they draped a woolen blanket over u cuz the OT was freezing.
ur wounds on ur knuckles an elbows got stuck to the blanket.
it bled when u peeled them off.
the blanket was stained with dried blood.
u waited
u cried
u fell asleep
the doctor came
jabbed anaesthetic on the nail-less toe.
which hurts like fuck.
3 times.
it was the most painful shit ever.
thinking about it makes u squirm, even now.
makes ur toe throbs in pain.
that was the ultimate.
u swear, u cried, u swear u'll never want that feeling ever again.
it was too painful.
fuck.
then ur toe went numb.
u were crying silently under the blanket.
praying that it'll be over soon.
hoping that the doc dint have to jab again.
then it was done.
u dared not look at ur toe.
with the artificial nail stitched onto it.
the nurse cleaned up ur wounds.
bandaged ur knuckles, wrists and elbows.
and the big one on ur knee.
and the toe.
u felt so much better after like 5 hours.
u went out of the OT.
laughing.
and crying at the same time.
7 bandages.
wheelchair bound.
paracetamol.
antibiotics.
12 abrasions.
3 bruises.
and a bleeding toe.
the blood never stopped flowing.
like how u never stopped crying.
no rowing.
no running.
no training.
competition in june.
sea games in december.
look on the bright side, they say.
be strong.
you'll be okay soon.
soon will take weeks.
or even months.
physical wounds will heal.
scars will stay.
but time waits for noone.


u want this shit to be over,
please.

u want to row.

u must row.

u have dreams to achieve,
goals to reach.

nothing can stop u.

when u fall, u have 2 choices:
stay down or get up.
make ur choice.

080407

the day that changed my life.

china & thailand!

omg.
guess who's back?
aisyah's back.
SHE IS BACK.
hurrah.
crazy.

so u know.
CHINA was... cold.
2 layers of jacket wasnt enuf. but that was all i had. morning temperatures could drop to as low as 5 degrees. and nowhere in singapore will we ever set the air con temp to 30 degrees. thank god the hotel had warm water in the toilet. if not, i wouldnt have showered for 5 days. nyaha.

pictures to show how GIGANTIC chinese rowers are.

just look!

whoa.

we feel small.

the women dont wanna lose out.

what more can i say?

okay so i dint win any medals. wanna hear my excuses?
1. the opening ceremony was freaking long we dint had time to warm up.
2. the weather was so cold plus i dint warm up so i wasnt prepared.
3. the weather was so cold mucus was flowing out of my nose during the race.
4. i didnt even break a single sweat cuz it was that cold.
shit. im full of excuses. and my timing for the 2000m race was so poor. it was like 8 mins plus and there was this china coach who had to announce that those who rowed more than 8mins have no hope for medal.

ouch.
other than the 2 qatar men who were old but i heard they're rich and nic said they were interested in me but i was sooo not interested in rich old men, i was the only competitor who wasnt chinese. the other teams were from chinese taipei, korea and hongkong. and china, obviously. the only ppl i spoke to throughout my stay in china were elsie and nicholas. haha. and i attempted to communicate with this chinese taipei girl, wendy.

i think she's handsome. dont ya think so?

dont worry im still straight. haha.

we visited the boat making factory on the last day of our race which was so cool.

on the last night in china, we travelled to shanghai and stayed in this 4 star hotel, the Olympic Hotel. somehow we were upgraded to the executive suite at no extra cost so it was only around S$45 per night. it has a computer in the room and the toilet has a bath tub cum jacuzzi. what more could u ask for? seriously.

check out the suite:

and i was so excited about shanghai. we went shopping that night but we went to the department stores where the things were quite expensive and there was nothing interesting. so it was quite a waste that we didnt get to go to the bargain area. but anyways, i took some vids of shanghai, cuz u know, its not like everyday u get to go china!

yup. we went to shop at the stadium the next morning. still, nothing much, really. only shiok climate. eeyer. i miss china.

our 5 hours flight back was BORING to the max. china eastern had no music, no tv, no flight entertainment - at all. elsie was so bored she asked for jigsaw puzzle and was walking around the plane. i read about half of my jodi picoult book.

then a few days later, i went to THAILAND.

the exciting thing is that some people are actually going to school when im like having a holiday. okay, mean but oh so true. :)

thailand was no holiday tho. we trained twice a day. woke up 5 am every morning, training starts at 6am. we lived in a small bunglow in pattaya near the mapbrachan lake, where the sea games gonna be held. thailand was like dogs heaven. the first time i was there all types of dogs were chasing after me i was so scared i screamed and screamed and grabbed onto kumar for my dear life. haha. but i got used to the dogs eventually, i have to cuz they are everywhere. they are kinda cute tho. like our neighbour had this timid german shephard, another had this grumpy looking bulldog and some brown dogs. ya. brown dogs. sorry lah i dont know their type but they're seriously adorable. they will run to u and jump around. soooo cute nak mampos. haha. tak halal, aisyah.

the people in thailand either look like malay or chinese or like me. there was once we went to this public gym for our gym session and there was this freaking muscular ang moh who happily walked up to me, smiling, and started talking to me in thai! i was like, "sorry, im not thai." and he was like, "oh sorry i thought u were someone i knew." haha. paisey!

and thai guys are generally okay looking lah.

but the thai rowers are hot stuff. nyaha.

and in thailand, it seems like all they eat is fish or pork. and they eat fish like there's a lifetime supply of fish. they eat fish like crazy. its like nutella to them. haha. we went for bbq something like seoul garden twice. and it costs only 120Bhat per person which is like S$6 for bbq. hello. super cheap, pls. but then again, most of the food they had was fish. fish and pork. pork and fish. so i only ate rice, noodle, chicken, fruits and ice cream. yummy yummy ice cream with jackfruit bits.

shopping in thailand. need i say more? haha.

too bad we couldnt visit the chatuchak market cuz elsie said we had to rest. :(

we visited the navy beach which was oh so so beautiful. they had this small island where u could walk across the water to reach the island and the island is formed because thats where 2 ocean currents meet and i dont think its called an island and i know, im a lousy geogger. haha. but oh well, it was gorgeous. we ate sticky rice and bbq chicken at the beach which was yummy. and the fruits there are simply the best la.

we visited the turtle conservation centre also. where i found out that the bigger the turtles, the smellier they are. haha.

then we ran up this mountain. i took 23mins and the guys took like 15mins. it was painful, i swear. the path was inclined all the way to the top. seriously. no more, please.

oh and i went home like 3 days earlier cuz i had to go for the compass test. and hello, nicholas (the boss) was so angry he was scolding me on the phone when i was in thailand cuz i dint tell him i was leaving earlier and i had to freaking pay for my flight tickets. grr.

on the last day, i followed some of the thai rowers to bangkok cuz they had an exam to sit for. so i roamed around bangkok for like 4hrs- ALONE. but most of the shops werent opened yet tho so i walked around aimlessly.

then they fetched me to the airport where i did everything alone which was quite exciting. haha. like some kind of an adventure. checked in alone, walked around the airport alone, boarded the plane alone, sat alone. haha. i finished my jodi picoult book druing the flight and it was so touching i cried okay. haha.

i reached singapore safely- alone.

exciting or what.

then then.

now im back to full time rowing.

im not schooling, not working, not earning.

something like a slacker, but not really a slacker.

and im so not enjoying it cuz my friends are earning, and im not.

sacrifices, they say.

pantat, i say.

nothing more to say.

the As.

Okay right now im going through this oh-fuck-whatever-decision-i-make-now-will-SERIOUSLY-change-my-life phase. very exciting i tell you.
oh results day was even more interesting. it was one of the very few days i dont have to row. (cue: applause) so i thought i could happily wake up in the late morning instead of 5am like i do every single day. then at 9.45am a teacher from acjc called me while i was happily sleeping. and she told me to be in school before 10.30am. cuz the BH wanted to interview me. i know, so exciting lah please. but to reach school b4 10.30 is mengarut la. i was like ARE YOU SERIOUS? 10.30? okay so on that day aisyah tak mandi pagi okay. haha. ive NEVER rushed like mad like i did on that day before. to brush my teeth, pee, wash my face, iron my clothes and brush my hair in place in less than 45 mins would seem impossible for me. and yes, youre right. it is impossible. i ran out of my house at 10.30am. frantically flagging for cabs with taxi drivers who cant seem to comprehend the panic look on my face. annoying to the max. took a bus to marsiling mrt. the taxi queue was like purposefully bloody long but i joined it anyway. so i reached school at 11am. hurrah. i called hazi on the cab cuz i was worried the interview would be conducted in malay so she was teaching me some malay words! hahaha. funny or wat. but thank god the interviewer was speaking in english. yah so i reached school and the teacher was briefing me on some questions the interviewer might ask. read: school reputation. okay so when it was my turn i saw haryati in the interview room. we know our results already which kinda spoilt the excitement. haha. when the teacher showed my results i was like, "then..why he want to interview me?" hahaha. seriously. its not worthy of any kind of interview, please. but okay so lets like look on the bright side here okay. they want to interview me then so be it lah. hahaha. okay so haryati is AC's top malay scorer and im so so proud of her. sporty, gorgeous, intelligent. what more could u ask for? anyhoo. they took stupid ugly pictures of me. and thats about it.
okay so i shall say the newspaper article featuring haryati and one tenth of it, me. i thought it was kind of a public humiliation. seriously. my results are nothing to be proud of or to showcase to the whole of the malay community. and so so so many of my friends got much better grades. but okay so they already put my face there and like 2 paragraphs about me so i cant do anything about that. and at least lah say something like, despite her busy rowing trainings her results are like superb for a national athlete but NO, nothing like that at all. they simply said i was haryati's friend and schoolmate, i scored this, i did that and ya. thats it. now everyone knows how badly ive done. but okay, lets ALWAYS look on the bright side okay. okay yes. they wont interview me for nothing right. at least write there lah, "proves that u can excel in both sports and acads." seriously. public humiliation is all i can think. but okay. think positive. optimistic. ok. OK. i said OKAY already.
wah fierce or wat.

the worst part of the day was watching people after people walking up the stage knowing they got 3 distinctions or more. what made it worse was already knowing beforehand that u wouldnt be the one going on stage. or should that be a good thing? i dont know. but sitting there watching your friends sitting next to you go on stage, leaving empty spaces next to you isnt a good feeling. and hello, samuel beh, my twin brother (same birthday but i guess im the more stupider twin), was top arts student. im so so proud of him.
for those who didnt do too well, ive always lived by this quote:

"IF you fall down you've only got 2 choices; stay down or get up."

theres a first time for everything like theres a first time for me not to see any distiction at all in my results. first time i cried cuz i thought i did badly. yes i did cry, cried like SHIT, but okay, they say the As is just a ticket to the uni. yeah. i know, saying is easy. but please, lets sing it! always look on the bright side of life. (whistle)
okay, so im a pantat. i know.
now comes the phase i hate most cuz it requires so much thinking and decision making and ive never done this shit for so long. haha. which uni. what course. which scholarship. piles of applications. litany of things to do. sigh.
and tmr im doing a 3 days 2 nights camp with hazi (finally) and on thursday im leaving for china. i know. damn random. china. hah. tell me about it. i'll be back on the 13th and prolly leaving for thailand on the 15th until like april? i guess. dont know yet. sigh. so that means i must get everything done, scholarship applications and all by ummm, today?

madness.

this whole week's gonna be crazy and dead tiring.

oh china, here i come.

sigh.

and we go, "always look on the bright side of life (whistle)" wee.