galalgalasyalala*//

work.

2012-02-12T14:48:00.002+08:00

the first month of work has been crazy.
no, workload wasnt heavy, not yet at least. i know im gonna be bogged down with work once the new semester starts, i can just feel it coming. but for now, ive been surfing the net, sometimes watching videos, going for walks around campus like a loner, exploring places in the school, life has been pretty much, empty. my colleagues are nice, for now.
so whats crazy about january?
the fact that i miss being a full time athlete? totally.
the fact that work is taking precious trng time away from me? definitely.
i know im such a loser. wheres my promise to focus on work and put aside trng? whats my priority now?
its not easy letting go of something that was once part of your life for the longest time. yea, i know i can row once in a while, i dont have to like let go of it altogether, but im born to be an athlete, i cant row once in a while, im just not rigged to do so. i need to row every single day, pushing myself to the limits, improving every day until i reach my goal. thats what i was designed to do. my purpose of life. work is just a necessity, like rest. work is where i get my food and transport from.
but i dont like it that work takes rowing away from me :( its making me a sad, stressed and always venting it out on nadzrie and we have been quarrelling oh so frequently its making both of us sad! ugh.
sometimes, i dont know how he does it. he has been absolutely patient with me. especially since ive stopped rowing frequently and gym sessions just began, my body began to crumble. first the hammies which felt as though they were gonna tear, then my right ankle from the boat accident, then my knee started to sting when i row or squat, and very most recently, the left foot. which noone knows for sure what is wrong with it. which has been very annoying, really. i'd rather know whats wrong with it, be it a fracture or a really terrible situation then not knowing at all.its been 2 weeks and the swelling and pain is still lingering around. :(
so i've made a little pinky finger promise to nadzrie, that i will not do anything else other than rowing (and sailing). no soccer, no netball, no no no. i'll try my best to avoid them at all costs.
and then comes the bloco training which stretches up to 12am with work the next day at 730am. and then theres the sailing bit which is still giving me a ray of hope.
oh and the most epic challenge God has thrown to me:
April is the month i will be handling a project for work and it will also be the month of the Olympic Qualifiers which is a once every 4 years opportunity. its making me go mad which one to decide, work or rowing.
but i guess whatever i decide to go with, i hope im more than prepared to face the consequences. insyaallah.
so you see, its not work that i cant handle. its whatever else is happneing around me that i cant handle.
i hate being sad :(

sian.

2012-02-02T11:31:00.002+08:00

i was excited about work after my 3 long days of MC but when i came back, there was nothing to do. :(
i mean, yes, normal people would rejoice at the thought of going to work and having nothing to do, but havent you found out already? im not normal. i hate slacking. i hate having nothing to do. graaar.
i know the workload's gonna be really heavy come april. but i just found out that the asian rowing training camp starts on the EXACT SAME DAY as the first day of school for poly students in april. how nice. isnt my life great? why did i end up getting a job in which its busy days clashes with the rowing season. smart. really smart.
and right now, i REALLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO. and i would really love to go to my boss or my colleagues and ask for something to do, but im not mad. i may be smart, but not crazy. yes, minus initiative points. maybe i'll give it a try tmr. should i?
okay, so whats this about my 3 days MC?
on sunday, i had a terrible accident. it wasnt major, it was just a jump, like seriously, it was a SIMPLE jump in which i need to bend my knees and transfer the potential energy to kinetic energy and gravitational potential energy...ya, like that.
and when i was about to land, my left foot decided to give way. like it just snapped like a twig. i heard a few cracks, which was what scared the coconuts out of me. and i fell. i was sitting there like a mermaid, just trying not to move, trying not to cry. i was like, dont cry dont cry. then the pain started to seep insidiously. im gonna cry im gonna cry. and i realized i said it out loud when the others around me said, dont cry dont cry. hahahah! i didnt cry. they brought me over to the nearest bench, iced it and that was it.
it was swollen throughout the whole day i thought something was broken. the first thing that feared me was, WHAT IF I COULDNT TRAIN FOR WEEKS? :(
Nadz's parents sent me to the hospital to get it checked cuz it was utterly painful. found out there were no OBVIOUS fractures. Alhamdullilah. might be some swelling of the soft tissues around the foot. had 3 days MC for that and was bored to death at home. GAAAAH.
on tuesday, i went to see cormac and he figured it was a bruised bone with some strains on the ligaments which wasnt good, neither was it bad news.
its still bruised now, and it hurts a little when i walk, but im a strong girl. i'll do just fine. :)
now let me find something else to do. bye!

New things you learn everyday.

2012-01-31T09:29:00.002+08:00

Today I learnt that no matter how many friends you have, or how many siblings you live with or how many pair of parents raise me up, sometimes you have to learn to live alone. Not everyone will be there for you. Not everyone will have time for you. The doctors can help you, your friends can send you words of encouragement, your parents can advice you, but in the end, to wake up at 630am and to leave your house at 730am only to painstakingly walk to your desired destination in 2hours when usually it'll take you an hr and 15mins, only you are able to do that, noone else. So if you wake up feeling awful, wishing you could get back to sleep, feeling hungry and tired, be grateful you don't have to limp around, be thankful you can go to school or work with ease, no matter how long it takes you. Be grateful for all you have because you'll never know what might happen to you and when.

new year, new you (p2)

2012-01-27T10:01:00.004+08:00

i didnt expect to have a part 2 but as i was drawing up my new timetable to divide my time properly, i remembed another major problem i have:

Major Problem 4.
Clients.
I cant let go of my clients. I am indebted to them to help them achieve their fitness goals. I enjoy trng them :(

And I have another major problem that irks me so bad right now. In rowing, there are some people who just say as they like. Some people who think that we get things easy.

#01: we whine and complain but when it comes to games day, no matter how sick we were and irresponsible as some might say, which is definitely a lesson to learn, we won a medal.
i won two.
AND OMG IF THERE WAS A COUNTER WHICH SHOWED US HOW MANY TIMES WE COMPLAINED AND HOW MANY TIMES SOME PEOPLE COMPLAINED WE WILL DEFINITELY LOSE HANDS DOWN.
gawd.

#02: we are not spoon fed, my goodness. spoonfeeding is a word some people use in excess and totally out of context. spoonfeeding means to overindulge or spoil. hmmm. let me think. which part of making us train at 7am every morning and most of the time having 2 trngs a day and the fact that we didnt miss a single training last year anywhere closer to being spoonfed? maybe having a mean of transportation to training and out of there is a luxury but that is simply because some people refuse to be friends with us therefore does not usually get the opportunity to hitch a ride with us! furthermore, anyone can sleepover at the trng cntr so one doesnt have to travel early in the morning to train.

#03: some people are not able to row right now because its their choice. as much as i dont think its a luxury to be able to join a club so that i can row, im grateful my ego is not that big and the owner of the club is pretty much okay with me rowing in his club. sometimes, somethings gotta give. its not our fault some people dont get to row with us! who told them to be so...(i cant find the perfect word to put here) awful is a too kind word.

#04: all that i know now is that im going to the qualifiers (insyaallah), i get to row, i get to gym at SSC, and some people are not!

enough said.

new year, new you.

2012-01-27T08:50:00.002+08:00

That phrase reminds me of a project I intended to start last January which made me sign up as a trainer at the People's Association so I can hold sports and wellness classes at community centres. So much for talking but no action. Well, I did became a PA trainer, but I havent conducted any classes. :(

This year, I want to make sure I do one thing I havent got the chance to do last year. TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. Im tired of sitting around, complaining, and having plans to do this and that and everything else but in the end nothing comes out of it. cheap talk. im tired of all that shit. so if theres one more thing i would like to add to my new year resolution, that is to get things done.

I must be awesome at my job.
Yes. My job! Work hasnt been hectic, YET. I know its gonna pick up speed like madness because I see my colleagues do their stuff and im like WHOA, im gonna die.
my job entails of being advisors to sports clubs, conducting sports and wellness classes, sitting at my desk settling paper work (AND CRAZY LOADS OF IT) and more. but the fun part is the sporty culture that my dept adopts whereby they would play sports together every fortnight. last week we played captains ball and it was crazy competitive but fun.
I wanna be awesome at my job. I wanna make a difference to people's lives, the school, the kids. But I have a major problem that is worrying the shit out of me right now.
To think about it its not a major problem, its SOME major problems.

Major Problems:

1. Rowing.
My trainings have been infrequent these days. I feel weak and slow on the boat. We still have to use the club boats which suck. I miss feeling light and strong and fast when Im rowing but my performance level has definitely dropped to ZERO after the SEA Games. This year, the association's gonna send me for the Asian Olympic Qualifiers which is definitely a huge thing! to qualify I have to be top 6 in Asia which isnt within my reach at the moment. i have to be honest with myself. i havent been trng intensively, my knee and ankle have been causing me so much pain. im not at my peak. but i have to remind myself, this year is the year i MAKE THINGS HAPPEN. i am gonna do whatever it takes to be at my best for the qualifiers. even if it means having to train at 430am.
Actually, i wanted to ease off training a little this year because i wanted to really focus on my job and do really well in it. but when i dont row, i feel that my life isnt fulfilled. i feel something amiss. so, here i am, declaring that i will never ever give up rowing for anything. if possible, i will be awesome at both rowing and my job. i will work something out somehow. impossible is nothing, right?
Thankfully, my boss is understanding. He's an athlete too. We'll see how things go from here. Insyaallah it will all go fine. :)

2. Sailing
If you dont know yet, I have been sailing with the national team. Okay it might only be 2 trainings but my goodness that sport is tough shit. Not as tough as rowing but it requires a totally different set of skills. My partner spotted me at SSC when I was gymming and she needed a partner to train with for the 2016 Olympics. my goal. On the first day of sailing, I fell into the water and hit my hip on the boat while it was going at full speed. I have a huge bruise which still hasnt faded away completely. And it has already been a month. Second training, I got better. But theres so many bruises on my shins. Sailing was fun and I think the chances of me getting into Olympics through sailing is better than rowing but NSC is bloody far, my God. and they train in the afternoons when the winds are the strongest. Which is definitely not a rower's life because by afternoon, we would be done wiht training and its our rest period.
So its definitely a totally different sport and I want to go all out for it to be really good in it. That why, its Major Problem #02.
What if it comes to a point where I have to choose between rowing and sailing?
I'll just die.

3. Bloco
It has always been in my TO-DO list: to learn a new instrument. And my chance is here. Nadz's sister has asked me if I wanted to play with Bloco and I really want but their trainings are FAR and at night, which is usually either my training period or mush needed rest period. but i really dont wanna miss this chance to learn, for free. and Bloco's really awesome.
sigh.

there's too much going on is there?
somethings gonna change.
it must be rearranged, oh.

hahaha!

okay, on a serious note. theres too little time in a day to fulfill all my dreams and desires. and i cant be awesome at everything. or can i? ;0

ridiculous. sigh. this is hard. i wish they'd just pay me to row. then i dont have to worry about anything at all. :(

The Erg.

2012-01-14T17:41:00.004+08:00

Did my 2k ergo time trial today and died. I swear the ergo sucks the life out of you. I finished the test feeling like a helpless shark whos fin has been cut off and then Im dumped back into the water to sink to the bottom of the sea. Here's the thing. I know I could meet the timing. I am strong and powerful enough to hit the target. But today just wasnt the day. Yes blame the day. Blame the ankle which tightened up chokin my whole foot. Blame the knee which throbbed in pain when i exert so much force on it. Blame the bruise on my bum which I got from sailing. Yes, sailing. Blame my heart for not pumping fast enough to transport sufficient blood to my legs and arms. Blame my mind for being so weak I might as well not sit for the erg and stay at home. seriously. it was a failure from all angles, right from the start. I wasnt prepared. I didnt go through my head what I wanted to do. I wasnt at my best form. I went sailing on thursday, ran on friday. erg on sat. not good. There you go. I cried like a dork after I completed my first trial. First, you say? yes. Because I thought I would be able to pull better, harder, stronger on a second attempt. And noone in the right mind would sit for 2 2k ergs in a day. But I did. because i thought i could. but obviously, without much rest, without any preparation, i couldnt. the timing was so horrendous it doesnt deserve to be posted here. BOTH TIMINGS. oh God please have mercy on me.
ruined. my. saturday.
thats what ergs do.
thats what losers would say.
yeah, im a loser.
for today.

felt like even more of a total loser when i told my sailing friend i couldnt sail because i was on the verge of sweating out lethargy. i was like a dead fish. made my bf angry for something he totally didnt do. stomped home alone, (more like dragged my feet home) only to be greeted by noone at home. slept like a pig. feeling like shit because i hate afternoon naps they make me feel like ive wasted my day and oh man the grogginess. oh erg, you really did killed me.

yes so whats up with this sailing thing?

been wanting to try out sailing for a few months now but only started to get on the boat on thursday. which turned out to be pretty exciting. i was actually on a 470. and sailing it. and doing the trapeze thing which looked like this:

yeah, my body was actually parallel to the water. and the sea water splashing on my face like its the most fun thing to be happening. really, exhilirating. and damn tiring. im so weak. omg. whats up with my fitness? and hello? qualifications in april. are u kidding me? time to pull up my socks, man. this is bad. what happened to the new year resolution of being at my fittest ever. gaah, im such a loser.

and yes, stop calling yourself that before it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

im so sad and tired. and i start work on monday. im excited, but but but (i know, WHY IS THERE A BUT!) looking at how my trainings (both rowing and sailing) would be affected because i'll be working full-time, im not really that excited. BUT yes, lets put training aside for a bit. maybe a week or two. focus on my work, and slowly start fitting trainings into my schedule. hows that? i mean, i cant live my life just complaining and not think of ways how to make things easier right? i think.

there you go. im all better now. despite the swollen eyes from my 100 yrs of crying after the erg testSSSS and dead tired body, i have to pick myself back up again. ergos can ruin my day, but hell no can they ruin my life.

and for that i would like to extent my utmost appreciation to my bf, nadzrie hyckell, for sitting down with my after my erg test telling me to stop crying, get a hold of myself and pick myself back up although at that point of time i was wailing like an ass and being so stubborn i didnt want to lift my ass off the ground for like what seemed like hours. so thank you, sayang, for being so patient with my nonsense.

so this year will be a whole lot of WORK (yes, it comes first), rowing and sailing (both with equal priorities) i dont know how im gonna achieve that but nothing is impossible, right?

right.

this entry is full of bull, shit and nonsense. bye.

One thing I've learnt today:

2012-01-04T11:25:00.001+08:00

When he's always on your mind but you're not on his.

Resolution #06: learn to not depend on others.

Resolutions- part two.

2012-01-04T11:02:00.001+08:00

Getting my medical check up done so I can start work. After this I gotta wait for the results to be sent to the school where they have to confirm that I'm healthy enough to work. Then I can start work. I'm excited about work I thought I was gonna start on the 3rd but the made me go for a medical checkup. I thought I would clear by the 9th but nope. Wait another week, trying to find ways to earn to support myself till money flows in my bank. Oh well. Be thankful I have a job. Be thankful.

See my new year resolutions are doing pretty well! For now :/

Resolution #04: to be at my fittest. Ever.
A) Did my 2k erg test last week, almost died and didn't complete it. What a loser sia. Complained of my ankle hurting. In actual fact i was just weak. Weakling. Graaar. I need to get below 7:25mins which means I have to maintain at 1:50-1:51 splits. 14 January. May God grant me with all the power and endurance on that day when I sit for the test.
B) I want to start running again. And do it fast. I miss being able to complete a 2.4km in 11mins3secs. My aim this year is to complete it in 10:55mins. And to complete a 10k race in 45mins.
C) I want that 6 pacs hot bod. This time- for real. And I'm gonna make it happen.

#05: I'll take up a religious class. And attend all the classes. Insyaallah.

That's it I guess. I have more under my sleeve but I don't want to sound very cliche and corny and lame so I'll just stick to 5 reasonable and achievable ones for now.

Oh and recently, my knee's starting to swell up to say hello. Great. And the waters during our evening trainings have been madness I'd rather sail or windsurf then to be bogged up and down by the crazy waves. Every training I'll either end up mad at myself or pissed at the others (incld the water). Most of the time, both. That's why Nadzrie once said, duing training, he's single. How rude kan!

But I still love him, whether or not he's 4 or 5 years younger than me. I still love him, where he's a pilot or a rower or an engineer. I still love him as long as he loves me back the same. :)

Too cheesy.

Bye.

resolutions - part one.

2011-12-29T23:39:00.003+08:00

Alhamdullilah, we've reached another end of the year. Alhamdullilah, we've all made it thus far in our lives. Alhamdullilah, is what we should learn to say more often and that comes top in my NEW YEAR RESOLUTION.

#01: Be grateful more often. Say Alhamdullilah.

Things i should be grateful of in 2011:
1. The plenty amount of money I had while I was working.
2. The courage I plucked to submit that letter of resignation to MOE.
3. The screw removal surgery I had to brace for which put me out of training for a week. But it was worth the pain because my knee never felt better.
4. The 3 Bronze medals that I won for the Asia Cup and SEARF Rowing Championships which qualified me for the SEA Games.
5. Passing my driving test after failing it once because I took forever to perform a vertical parking which made me an immediate failure.
6. Having had the means to pay for my own driving lessons.
7. Being able to still stay in my house even though Im supposed to be a working adult and supposedly contributing to the household but obviously I wasnt and am still not.
8. Having a mum who doesnt support me in rowing but still allows me to train every single morning which meant she sees more of her kindergarten kids than her own daughter.
9. Being able to survive financially despite only working as a part-time coach and personal trainer for 8 months.
10. Survived a wisdom teeth surgery where 4 of my teeth were plucked out at once, which also meants survivng my second General Anaesthesia of the year.
11. Recovering miraculously rapidly despite being awfully sick days before the finals for the SEA Games, which brought me to thing to be grateful #12:
12. Bringing home 2 Bronze medals from Jakarta knowing that all the effort Ive put for my sport had been well spent.
13. Having spent a year and 2 months (coming this Jan 4) with my bf who has been the most awesome, most supportive and really really really (finding the perfect word to insert here), someone i will always ask myself, "MasyaAllah, what will I do without him?" Amazing? Incredible? I cant find a word that fits him perfectly but I do know that his presence in my life has made a huge difference to who i am, what i do and where i'll be in the next few years. and no matter how hard i am to handle, he has never left my side. and i pray that he will never leave my side, insyaAllah.
And if 13 had a part b, Im forever grateful that his family is very accepting and welcoming to me being part of them. Alhamdullilah.

And that, being the last in my list doesnt mean he is the least of grateful things im grateful for, would nicely wrap up my list.

And of course there are a thousand other things I should be grateful of such as Singapore being far from any natural disaster, Alhamdullilah. Looking at the flash floods that hit Thailand and the occurences of tsunamis and earthquakes in japan and new zealand, I can never be more than grateful to be living here, although its definitely an expensive city to live in. But for now, lets keep it at 12 things.

#02: Be more organized and stop procrastinating, for goodness sake.

iPad has made my life more organized in a way. not a really huge difference but when it comes to logging in training programmes and keeping track of my clients and the schools that i was coaching, it has played a very important role in taking over the lives of the pen and paper. and yes, i think it has made me more organized to a small extent but change is good. yeah?

but when you look at my room, its not really a disaster. neither is it anywhere close to an IKEA showroom lookalike. i'd call it an organized mess. things are in order, but not in order-kind of thing. you know? and i have these IKEA items i bought ages ago waiting to be drilled onto the walls but instead have been sitting there pretty in the corner of my room collecting immense amounts of dust mites.

so this new year, i want to be more organized and stop procrastinating. ive read somewhere recently that having a daily, "TODAY I WILL ______________" list on my wall with only ONE thing to accomplish per day will help. theres no harm trying!

and yes, i attended a Sports Psychology workshop recently and they sort of taught us how to create Goals and one of the ways to jot down goals and how to get there is to be SPECIFIC (there were others such as MEASURABLE goals, REALISTIC goals, etc. but lets stick to SPECIFIC for now). i know you'll go, "WE ALL KNEW THAT ALREADY." yes, i learnt this back in secondary school days but sometimes it feels good to be reminded of what we learnt before and now, being more mature, older and hopefully wiser, actually do some goal-setting and making them do wonders. thus, my resolutions now arent simply: be more organized. they have to be more like: have a daily list of ONE THING to do and make it happen!
TADA.
i feel smarter already.
and more accomplished.
and im only at #02.

#03: to love my job as much as i love rowing

THIS HAS TO BE #13 THING I AM GRATEFUL FOR:
getting a job, finally. Alhamdullilah.
2 rounds of interviews. 3 candidates. and I emerged as the winner.
honestly, as much confident as i thought i was, i had this little voice inside of me telling me that i should continue hunting for another job while waiting for the results, JUST IN CASE i didnt get this job, and so i did. it was the scariest interviews EVER because clearly i was disadvantaged considering the amount of experience i hardly have as a working adult and my age and the fact that im considered a fresh graduate and the post actually requires someone with plenty of exp (and age) up their sleeves! and the questions i was asked during the interviews were not in the list of common questions asked when i tried to google them.
GASP.
anyways,
it was one of the BEST PHONECALLS IVE EVER RECEIVED IN MY LIFE.
its not really something id call a dream job. but its one of the little steps im planning to take to achieve my career goals (omg this sports psychology workshop has really gotten into my head, hasnt it?)
but really, maybe its not time for me to reveal what the job is yet and it wont make people go OMG YOU GOT THE JOB AS A _________ but im excited as it is because:
1. i'll be earning, Alhamdullilah
2. it has something to do with sports and working with youths.
3. i have a free shuttle bus from woodlands to my workplace and its down the road to my training centre and my bf.

okay, and back to my resolution #03, it sounds like an exciting job and i will learn to love it like how i love rowing. because i cant stand doing what i dont love. so its love it or leave it, and i hope its the latter. i really dont know whats in store for me but whatever it is, insyaAllah it'll be awesome. so i know its hard to love something else besides rowing but i have to share my love sometimes. right?

and since im in the topic of career and goals. what is my ultimate goal in life, really? one thing for sure is that i want to be an Olympian. but thats not a career. not like Spartans. when King Leonadis asked them whats their profession, they go HOOHOO! which meant they are Spartans. Doesnt apply to being an Olympian tho. so, i was thinking about it and what i really want in life and not ashamed to tell the world about it because you shouldnt be ashamed of dreaming big, is to be able to set up my own gym with my own fitness classes and own like my own boathouse under my very own boat club, and have a fleet of trainers and coaches under me. my ultimate goal is to make sure people love sports and fitness and banish the fat people in the world! muahahahahaha.

to be continued...

Bumped.

2011-12-15T20:45:00.004+08:00

Firstly it was Bali. And all the silly money issues that just kept crumbling on me.

Secondly, it was soccer. I had been looking forward to the 11th of December 2011 because that's the day I was gonna play soccer. The court has been booked. The people have been invited. What's left was just us to travel there and kick some balls. But no, smart Aisyah decided to kick the ball before stretching. Smart Aisyah decided to give it a good kick after days of not exercising and what more not stretching. Smart Aisyah stretched her right quad muscle and felt a sharp pain. Applause. And throughout the whole day, Smart Aisyah just sat there on the benches watching the people play soccer. Congratulations for straining your quad muscle! Now not only can I not kick the ball, I can't run. Woohoo!

Thirdly, it was the day rowing became a nightmare for me. I was pissed. The period. The afternoon water caused by the (God knows why the winds are like gusts) winds. The stupid training boats which you just have to shut up and get used to. The shoes which were 5 size bigger. The boat riggings which were Horrid. Basically, rowing became a chore. I HATED EVERY BIT OF IT. so God decided that on that awful day when Aisyah was at the peak of her pissed off mode, lets teach her a lesson. #01: when you're pissed at the boat or the water or even yourself, don't vent it out on your boyfriend.
I was so pissed I rowed so hard and I knew the technique was messed up but I was just telling myself, GET THIS OVER AND DONE WITH MY GOD. and then, I heard a boat coming towards me and next thing I knew I flew out of my boat! FLYING IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. I was thrown backwards and into the water. At first it was okay, I thought I was safe, then I felt the pain creeping insidiously and ever so excruciatingly up my legs. My ankle. My right ankle. I can't feel it. I screamed and bawled and cried and just wailed I swear I sounded like a 5 yr old but I didn't care it was (insert rude word here) painful. I hyperventilated. I couldn't think.
I was rowing on a singles and the boat which clashed into mine was a doubles. So obviously and obeying the rules of physics like how Nadzrie explained to me, the amount of force you exert will be the same in the opposite direction. So the two boys plus their boat being waaaaaay heavier than me and my boat caused me to fly instead of them. And how nice the boat came to a complete stop as it was stuck right in between my boat's riggers. Can u imagine the inertia? Whoa. I flew.
Okay so back to the part when I was in the water grabbing on to my boat for dear life. God, oh God, I really don't remember hear much. My attention was drawn to just holding on to the boat in case I can't keep afloat. I know the boys were still around because their boat was stuck to mine. I didn't know what I was holding on to. I was just in excrutiating pain :(
Then Nadzrie came in his singles and he shouted for Raihan. He told me to come towards him but I was afraid. I can't feel my legs and I didn't know how to get to him. I almost made him capsize when I pushed on his oar. Afraid, I just held on to my boat to keep myself afloat. Raihan came and I was still breathing loudly and sobbing. I told him I couldn't feel my right foot. He told me to get closer to the katamaran but I couldn't, I was afraid. I told him, let me breathe first. So I cooled myself down and slowly pulled myself closer towards the boat. He pulled me up and my unisuit almost tore when it got caught on the stupid dirty katamaran. We towed my singles back. Initially, I couldn't feel the pain on my ankle, slowly, I felt the pain growing. Mampoz.
My ankle was gone by the time we reached the pontoon. It was purple and swollen like a dead fish. The ang moh mum helped me onto the pontoon and thats when I took a first step with my right foot. The pain reminded me of my ACL tear. The way it just gave way. It was scary. Nadzrie then piggy backed me to the office where Uncle Gilbert came with 2 bags of ice, enough to freeze my whole body. How cute of him.
Things happened really fast. The accident, the rescue, the speed at which my ankle got even bigger. Makkau. Later that night, Nadzrie's kind brother wrapped it for me.
I went to see dr the next day and thank God, it wasn't anything serious. I strained 2 ligaments around my ankle, more towards e heel side of the ankle which was a rare case of strain because my foot was in an awkward position when I strained it. In the morning, my ankles look like elephants. But it felt much better. Today, I can walk-slowly.
I survived probably world's first boat to boat accident which caused an ankle strain and 6 bruises on my arms and hip.
How exciting.

Fourthly, I know my weight shouldn't be an issue because like I mentioned before the heavier I am, the stronger I will be on the erg, and water. But I just can't stand gaining weight. :(

Fiftly and lastly, I still haven't gotten a job but I have several offers and interviews to attend which scares the shit out of me because really,
I don't know what's good for me!

May my ankle heal ASAP so I can start running and rowing again, insyaallah.
Amin.

worst day ever.

2011-12-10T19:16:00.004+08:00

everyone has that day they wish didnt happen. it could be the day their 7 years relationship with the person they thought they'd spent their life with broke apart. it could be the day their boss told them to leave the company and never come back. it could be the day theyre inches or miliseconds away from winning a million dollars.
i wish today didnt happen.
i wish i didnt had to come back from bali.
but it happened, and yes,
i did come back, safely.
bali was a getaway ive been longing for, something i thought i deserve to reward myself for the achievements i had for the sea games. but noone ever mentioned to me it isnt fun to go on a holiday when your pockets are dried. well maybe my boyfriend did but i wasnt paying much attention cuz i really wanted to go, to just get away from life for a little while. and in the end he gave in and was happy to send me off at the ariport. okay, happy wasnt the right word to use but he was just being happy for me. more like it. thank you, sayang.
bali came and went.
and there i was, at changi airport, saying hello once again to life.
mind you, i love my life.
i love my boyfriend, i love his family, i love his cats, i love my legs, i love the fact that i found rowing and it has played a huge part of my life. i love my family, or whatever is left of it. i love how peaceful our country is i dont go around telling the world i love singapore because honestly i dont want to bring my future children up here, but yes, i love my life.
but life isnt what it is without the drawbacks and the problems and its challenges.
when i came back, things started to look bad, one at a time.
-mum nagged at me saying things along the lines of "i think im old enough to do whatever i want". im old enough not to retaliate. so i just closed my eyes, and listened. and think about how painful rowing is as compared to sitting here listening to her.
-my unpaid hp bills which starhub is supposed to waiver off but theyre taking ages to settle. making me really, awfully, utterly disgusted at their inefficient service.
-mendaki is asking back for their money they lent it to me to pay for my uni. and while im at it, yes, thank you for your money, mendaki, but i still dont understand why im not eligible for the bursary and why that guy who lives in a condo gets full bursary. thus, i will remind myself that when i find a job i will strike my name off the list of contributors to the mendaki fund. not because im selfish but because they dont deserve it. theres no point arguing about it or making a big hoohaa about it because nothing will change unless the whole organization itself changes. but it wont happen anytime soon so i'll save the effort for something more worth the while. i'll contribute to other associations insyallah but not this one
-DBS is asking for its money back too. thank you DBS for helping me pay for my acer laptop which i am gladly still using since 2007.
-im still jobless. i've turned out all the part-time job offers because i am so ready to find a full-time job and im not going to change my decision about this. but job hunting is killing me. and if you think being a degree holder is any better, its not
-the prison officers ive been training the whole years just told me that they found someone to replace me for the rest of the sessions because im always skipping their lessons and that "always" was when i was in korea, jakarta and recently, bali. wow. great people i work with, huh.
-im nowhere near ready for the Olympic qualifications in April which i really want to go for, since i feel good after the races at the sea games. but looking at how the organization runs here, considering the fact that im not training everyday and now im looking for a full-time job which i know is top priority because im dead broke, 2012 looks bleak.
-you can fill the whole Indian Ocean in my bank because thats how empty it is.
-i cried for a whole hour about all these and then i stopped

stupid bitch, stop crying, if today didnt happen, you wouldn't stop and think about all these issues that has been bothering you since the year started. you know this day would come and life is here to shove at your face what you have left behind when you chose rowing over everything else. this is the path you chose so live with it. you have two choices, stay down there and brood for the rest of the night and then throughout your life too or do something about it.

things that piss the shit out of me.

2011-11-24T12:50:00.004+08:00

1.
life is cruel. dont we all know that already. but life has been so unfair and utterly awful that i cant stand not doing anything about it. something needs to be done to set things right. so apparently from the "oh my! you dont win any money?" comments i received on facebook following the win of my two bronze medals, i have just recently found out that not many know about the miserness of our govt, or maybe perhaps, its just the ignorance of our citizens.

eitherway, its true: THERE IS NO PRIZE MONEY FOR BRONZE AND SILVER MEDALLISTS IN SEA GAMES.

i can double confirm that because with 3 bronze medals hanging on my bedroom wall from the SEA Games, i have yet to receive any cheque from the govt for my wins. what i did receive though, was a computer generated letter from the Olympic Council, congratulating me on my win. very sincere. i am honoured.
sometimes, when i think about it, i tell myself, "stop complaining, bitch. you got what you asked for. you wanted this path in life. so shut up and live on." but then again, why should i let myself be in a disadvantaged position when i put in the same effort, if not more, than the gold medallists in training, and in competition.
come on, tell me which other sport in singapore trains twice a day, 6 days a week, 4 hours each day, and dont get paid a single cent? and dont even let me start comparing to the atheltes from other countries, even third world countries like our dear friends from indonesia and vietnam and myanmar, for goodness sake, receives prize money for their bronze and silver medallists. why cant we? a bronze in swimming would probably be seen as less of a winner as compared to a gold medallist. a silver in water polo would be considered a disaster. but a bronze in rowing, is in fact, a feat. you cant compare rowing to bridge. you just cant. its unfairness in all levels, my God. and what makes them think that by not giving the bronze and silver medallists money, people will strive more for Gold. are these people who set these criteria even athletes?and i truly apologize for my ignorance if they were at some point of time athletes, but considering the fact that they show so much of their appreciation to the non-gold medallists with a piece of letter, it tells so much about them, doesnt it? as an athlete, im sure a thousand other people in the right set of mind would agree with me, we will always strive for the best, for Gold. i participate in non-prize money-medal games like the SEARF and Asian Champs and I will always be aiming for Gold. noone would be stupid enough to not strive for Gold just because there is still a prize money set on winning Silver or Bronze. and what makes you think those who didnt win Gold didnt put in as much effort as those who did. like i mentioned earlier, do you think the Bronze medallist in rowing hasnt been putting as much effort as the Gold medallist in Bridge? seriously?

YES I KNOW MONEY IS NOT EVERYTHING. but when youre the athlete who wins the bronze and you see all these hoohaas about the gold medallists and the money they get and you know that you have definitle put in more effort than them considering the nature of the sport that you do and thats not all. later, you find out that your fellow counterparts from the neighbouring countries receives cash although they won the same colour medal as you. if you havent been in that position, then i dont think you will ever understand the pain that you have to bear. MONEY ISNT EVERYTHING. but if someone hands you RM6k, would you turn it down? thats the przie money for a Bronze medal in Malaysia, btw. i just dont understand why Singapore, being a first world country can afford to pay thousands to student athletes but havent gotten the heart to support professional athletes who spend their lives training to bring up the name of the country in their field of sport.

2.
sometimes the lesser you know, the better. sometimes living in delusion can save you from hurt and disappointment. and almost all the time, its better to just keep your mouth shut.

some people talk too much, a quintessential display of an empty vessel makes the most noise.

what i have learnt from these experiences i have gained from rowing so far: champions dont complain. theyre too busy focusing on making themselves better. so some people definitely need to apply this lesson in life, before they drown in their own sea of words.

and really, most of the time, talking about certain individuals in your life doesnt bring anyone or anything any benefit at all. its a waste of breath and precious time. so let these people say what they want to say. i cant be bothered anymore.

---

so yes the three of us (Nadzrie, Joanna and I) got terribly sick during our trip to Jakarta for the Games. it was awful, there was so much of purging and migranes and fever going on even the coach almost lost hope in us. it was the worst that could happen to any athlete competing in any major games. but the best we could do was to recover as fast as possible. and honestly, it was a strangely exciting experience. we couldnt have emerged better athletes if not for that downfall that we had to go through.

and for the record, getting sick is not a sign of irresponsibility, it was a challenge God threw at us to make us not take things for granted, and an opportunity to become stronger, not only physically but mentally. it was this obstacle that we had to pass to test our courage and determination and how much we wanted to race for each other. if one of us got sick and the other didnt, we wouldnt understand how miserable the other was feeling. if neither of us got sick, we wouldnt know how strong we were. things happen for a reason. irresponsibility was the last of all reasons.

3.
starhub oh starhub. why are you friggin irritating. firstly you didnt remind me to renew my plan and charged me for what was given to me free of charge since i ever subscribed to you. then you made me pay $600 upfront telling me that the remaining would be waivered off. and now 4 months down the road, nothing has changed and i still have to pay what i shouldnt be paying for. youre the bane of my life, i swear.

Fear.

2011-11-11T08:11:00.005+08:00

It's scary how fast time flies. Today we're already leaving. Monday we're racing. And come Thursday, it'll all be over.
It's scary how life works in ways a human being find it hard to phantom sometimes. Today I walked out of home, said Hi to my neighbor who asked me where I was heading to, work? And I just nodded in convenience not wanting to stand any longer in front of him being clouded in smoke. Then I took the bus and then the train. And now I'm sitting in the train like the other commuters around me, minding their own business, each with their own thoughts inside their heads, each with their own problems and struggles to face in their daily lives. Exams, school, tight deadlines, horrible bosses, marriage, work. And then you thought to yourself, wow, I'm actually on my way to Nadzrie's house to get my bag and then his parents are sending us off to the airport. And unlike any other trips people make around the world, for business, for leisure, for sports, today I am flying to Jakarta for the SEA Games. I mean, for real. Right now I'm sitting here like any other normal human being but with a responsibility on my shoukders so heavy if I'm not strong enough I'll just crumble under the pressure of wanting to win. I am actually going to be in another country representing my nation and being out there to win. And what I do know is that no one in this train's going to take over that responsibility. No one knows how it feels to work so hard for this last stretch. Maybe one or two have had experience being an athlete and playing the game of their lives. But nothing could explain this experience I'm about to gain. I've been through 2 sea games. This is not like a practice paper where the more you do the better you get at it. It's one shot. No rehearsals.
I chose this path in life. I could have gotten it easy to just stay in my job. I could have chosen an easier sport. But who wantsrowing is what I did. Rowing is what I chose. I've made this choice. Live with it.
And while I'm living it, might as well I do my best in it :)

Aidiladha

2011-11-06T09:47:00.006+08:00

It's aidiladha and I just finished training. Did a 12k on a singles. Went ok, not good, not bad, just okay. Not proud of myself, not disappointed either. I did the pieces and put my boat back on the rack.

I'm not planning to go home cuz I'm a terrible daughter and an irresponsible sister. I'm a disappointment in my family.

What point is there in appearing in the papers every month getting featured for my achievements and dreams and goals if I can't even carry out my duties as a daughter or a sister.my brother pointed that out to me last night when we had that chat.

More like him doing the talking and me looking away trying not to make eye contact with him. Oh I'm a rude child I admit. But why should I look into the eyes of a person who just slapped me across my face?

Even my dad has never layed his hands on me before and this is the second time my brother hit me. Am I such a terrible person, really?

I come from a dysfunctional family. I'm not afraid of admitting that. And yes I cringe at the word "family". We don't function like one. Well ok, dysfuctionality has its extremes. My brothers don't wear tapered pants have tattoos on their faces as a mark of rank and they definitely don't sleep around making women have babies when they were 13. Not dysfunctional to that extend. We come from a strong background and family history of love and trust but shit happens and everything crumbles one after another. Without a strong figure in the house definitely things will get out of hand. They did. But things didnt crumble too far. Those that left, started anew and now they're happy. Or that's what I assume. And then they're accepted again to this function called a family. I stayed on. Things went down, continue going down and down around me. I went down, I never left but I dont linger. I stayed, I tried. But I guess it wasn't enough.
And I was being called irresponsible and disrespectful and what have you. Its just not fair I don't even club or drink or even touch a ciggie. Im too busy training. Im too busy chasing after my dream. And to them, its a terrible thing to wake up working hard to achieve your dreams. To them, its worse than sleeping around or coming back late smelling of liquor.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I have my flaws. Im irresponsible? yes. I dont do the household chores cuz Im not even around. But I try my best to make the people at home happy by skipping training and spending days cleaning the whole house on my own during the festive period. i know keeping the house clean is not a once off thing. but at least im trying. I treat my family to a big dinner because I want to see everyone together with whatever earnings I have. Even my brothers who earn 300x more than me dont treat us but I wont compare. They have their own shit too. But again they think I dont care. Im rude? considering the fact that I used to be screaming at my mum, now I think Im an angel as compared to myself when I was a teen. I've definitely changed.

So what is it that they dont understand?
I quit my job to row. and im happier. loads happier. its not like training is fun and exciting. in fact its crazy tiring and sometimes it just drains the life out of you. but its the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day after i completed a hard session that i live for. and that feeling when the boat glides through the water, and it all comes naturally. thats what i love.
i dont need the newspaper features ive been getting. honestly, its quite embarassing because i havent even been achieveing much. all i want to do is do well in rowing and make my parents proud. then my mum will finally stop saying that im wasting my time and all these brings me nothing. as much as it cuts me deep when she says these things, i can just keep my ears and mouth shut. remember, only you decide what can hurt u and what cant.

yes, seven years and she still doesnt like the fact that i row.
and yes she hasnt seen me race.
and she doesnt know how good i really am.

which i dont blame her still.
which mum would want to see her daughter grow up, graduate from uni and quit her job to do things that dont bring her any future?
i still love her with all my heart and wish that one day she'll finally finally finally be proud of me.

insyaallah.

I've been living in my own bubble. I try not to bother others. I live my life the way I want it to be. I do the things I love. Others talk but if i dont mind it dont matter. They can say what they want but its up to you to choose whether to be affected by it or not. I choose to stay free from all this cheap talk. I'm old enough to decide what I want in life. Everything has been going well. On the outside. I do my own stuff. I come back home once in a while. I try to make the family happy but apparently I'm not doing a good job. I want to try harder but there's other crazy things on my mind right now like how close the sea games is and all that shit. I can be volatile when u provoke the little bubble that I live in. You can say all you want. You can choose to be hurt by what people think of you, or me. But why why why do you have to come and bother the life that I've been perfectly fine with?
Thats what I can't take.

Thats why I finally decide to leave.
So u remember my story about my brother slapping me and giving me that talk before I got distracted with my own sad lifestory?
I left. I dont know if its considered running away because I still love my room and most of my things are still in the house. But I packed yesterday with tears flowing down my cheeks incessantly. Thus the swollen eyes this morning. Packed an emergency runaway bag filled-which doesnt have much to fill with- because most of my stuff are somewhere else already. I didnt want to leave but I cant stand living in a house where they bring me down for doing what I do best and what I love. I cant stand those who talk about others behind their backs but be on their side in front of their faces. I cant stand hypocrites. I can take the blame of being irresponsible and rude and disrespectful because I know I was, still am but not to a very large extent and Im trying my best to change. But with the kind of support system I have at home, especially after I got slapped hard by the person who was never around, and everyone stood and watch and I had to stand up on my own two feet to defend myself, I cant stay around any longer.
They talk about loving me and caring for me. And being proud of me. But all I want to do is for them to just understand the amount of sacrifice and commitment that I have to give for me to chase after this dream. But they cant.
Dont even start on the money issue, masyaAllah.

Im sorry that I had to pack and leave.
I cant let these issues affect my training.
Especially not when theres less than a week left ot the Games.

Im not mad at them for saying those things to me or reacting that way.
Im just sad that I dont see a family in mine anymore.
And it pains me to see how my boyfriend and his family functions.
Thats a family.
They do fight, but theres an extent to where the fight goes.
I just have to accept the fact that mine's not like that.
And will never be. None of us is willing to change, especially not when we're all already considered adults.
I dont consider myself unfortunate. I am grateful to have such a family. At least I have one. And I have a roof over my head, be it at my house or my dad's.

Maybe its one of life's lesson so that we will not repeat this in our future, when we have to build our own family.

Here's my attempt to write well.

2011-11-04T12:04:00.003+08:00

Hi!
I have new updates in my life right now that I wish to share with the world.
I've proposed a new rule to myself which is to use good command of English language when I write. I'll tell you why I suddenly thought of weird things for myself. I realized I used to write very well, both in English and yes, surprisingly in Malay, too. "Well", in this case means exceptionally outstanding kind of thing. Those of higher Malay and Band 1 English standard. Unfortunately, I don't use Malay alot, even in my daily speeches to my friends and family. But i do have lots of Malay people around me all the time, number one on my list who's always next to me, my boyfriend. And sometimes even his command of Malay is eons better than mine and my standard of Malay is supposed to be way higher than his considering the fact that I was a Higher Malay student since I was in primary school. And that I scored A1 for that subject for my Os. So yes, I haven't been using Malay much i admit, and due to this ignorance that I'm truly guilty of, the standard of my Malay language has dropped exponentially, so bad, it takes me hours to read the Malay papers and the papers aren't that thick, really. So before I lose my grasp of the English language and crumble in the depths of Singlish, i'm making the effort to not lose touch here.
But honestly, it's not easy writing a blog entry writing in proper English. It makes me feel very lame.
So I have came out with an idea, because sometimes rowers do get bored. An idea that would not only change the path of my life but also to the people around me and the universe beyond our world. That's ridiculous. I'm kidding. It's just a small idea to start writing in another blog or page or tumblr or what have you. To write down proper stuff that people actually read and have interest in. Unlike my blog which I doubt anyone would be interested to read about. Because I realize, you'll never know when you might need to show your future bosses that you have a gift in writing and that you can express your ideas in ways others can't (well, that's if I actually have that gift -lah). Ideas come and go like advice your parents give- you listen to all, but heed only some. Likewise, not all ideas will materialize so I don't know if this idea of mine would actually happen but let's just hope it will. Meanwhile, I just thought I'd like to share the idea with you because usually if I write down my ideas in my iPad which only me and myself could see, no good thing will come out of it. I can conveniently erase that idea I once had and pretended that idea never popped in my head. So now that I have announced my great idea to better improve myself, I know I would not have an easy way out not to do it.
I think. Heh.

a$$

2011-10-24T12:00:00.002+08:00

okay so you see i was supposed to write this entry as a comeback for someone's really smart ass blog entry which i do not wish to share here (well not yet i guess, not now) and writing a comeback for it requires an angry mood to set the tone right unfortunately im nowhere near angry at this moment.
im feeling more of BLEARGH.
like a mixture of lethargy and sloth and laziness and procrastination.
nothing of anger. nope.

but oh well lets just see how it goes. let me tell you about my day first.
its 12:48pm.and im at home. AHHH THE LIFE.
i've been home about an hour? an hour plus? or 2 probably? i dont know. as usual, ive lost track of time.
i havent eaten lunch, which explains the inefficeincy of my brain. im hungry but im too lazy to cook up a meal or even order something online. i'm officially one with my bed since i got home.
and talking about my bed, it was infested by bed bugs recently, okay infestation is an exaggeration but i was bitten like a piece or meat on a kebab skewer. when i was in korea, mum called me to say that she'll be sleeping on my bed cuz she has been getting bed bug bites. i think she brought some of those tiny little devils over to my bed! the first night i slept at home, i started to itch, i thought they were mosquitoes but my room never had mozzies! because of that i had to wash my mattress cover siols. stupid bed bugs.
and for the past three nights i have been having problems sleeping at night. sleeping after training in the day, taking my usual daynaps as and when i can doesnt seem to have a problem but i take like 2 hours to fall asleep and it has been irritating me. is this what insomnia is? im worried like hell i dont know why. i dont like my sleep to be taken away by awful disorders. im gonna see a doctor for this today. im a wreck i swear. i can never be free from all these pain and disorders and injuries. from one to another. gaah.
okay so yes, training today was, SHORT. MUAHAHAHHAH (sarcastic evil laughter).
no seriously, coach said, "todays training gonna be short but intensive." and he meant every word he said. MY GOD. although short means minus 2k off our usual mileage, it was really draining, i swear. the sun was being alittle nice today. thank GOD. but the pieces were crazy. Masyaallah. We survived it.
that brought me back to what happened a few weeks before my sea games in 2005. here's some excerpt from what i wrote 6 years ago:

Tuesday Nov 1 2005
one more month and thats it maaaan. i'll be out of this camp, i get to go out wherever i want, whenever i want, i dont have to sleep thinking of training the next morning, i dont have to wake up to train at 4.30am anymore, i dont have to limit my shopping time so that i can report back to camp for training. whoa~ i dont have to sleep with lizards and rats and mosquitoes and flying things of all sorts.
yea, one more month. training's getting more intense. we're suffering alot more to the extent that im actually feeling numb already. we go tru a cycle : train, eat, sleep, wake up, and train again. ahhh!!! am i losing my feelings? my emotions? hah. paranoid.
*slaps*

Tuesday Nov 15 2005
yep. firstly, one more week to my departure to manila. yep down to a mere one week. from 7 months to one week. ergh. one blardy hellish week. hah. yea. get the point dontya?
secondly, trainings getting tougher by the day. but my partner's having her o levels so i will be training alone most of the time. going down on the single sculls. damn. i hate rowing alone. the guys will always leave me behind. ergh.
Monday Dec 5 2005
been there. done that.
yep. the sea games are over. which means. my training camp days are over. no more morning weight lifting sessions. no more after school training programmes. no more bunking out with my fellow rowers. no more of all that. honestly, from the bottom of my heart. i miss it all. yea.

OMG MY LIFEIS ON REPEAT MODE OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

except that this time round my partner postponed her A levels and we'vegot all the time in the world to train in our pairs to beat the shit out of our competitors and bring home a medal Singapore Rowing hasnt won since 1993 ;)

even jo said today, "I've gone crazy about this winning thing."
That's my girl, right there.

CANT WAIT. but all these trainings have been a pain in the ass OH WELL. tough times doesnt last but tough people do, yea?

:)

and since we're on this topic of achievements are doing great things, my friend whom i havent seen for MILLIONSOFGODYEARS recently won a K-pop competition and she's going to Korea end of this year to represent singapore. Maressa Zahirah. thats the girl you have to watch out for. she has inspired me to dream big. and work towards your goals. stories that make you go Awwwww. that reminds me i havent seen her for ages and the rest of the gang. its scary how one twist of events lead to a broken chain of friendships. SCARY.

OKAY. training in about 4 hours. DREAM BIG bebeh. <3

Wtf

2011-10-20T23:45:00.001+08:00

And my writing skills seriously need to be brushed up. So haphazard!!!!

Rants

2011-10-20T22:42:00.002+08:00

Hello
It's been a long time since I wrote (what's new). I can't say I've been busy, cuz I haven't. I'm just tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally.
I just came back from Korea like 2 days ago? Something like that. Obviously I've lost track of time. Days are more like whatever is left till the SEA Games rather than what day it is. It's 20 something in October and it's almost the end of the week. Weekends are no more days of the week i look forward to because on weekends trainings are supposedly tougher. I'm not a normal person anymore. I don't feel like one. I shop when the stores are empty, which is definitely a really good thing. But then again, shopping is Not fun when you're not really financially stable.
Yeah I'm not fun anymore. The only thing that revolves around me is training. And training. And training.
I have to cut down on work because training is getting more intensive and also because school term is coming to an end and exams are around the corner so I'm practically jobless. Oh wait. I have my Pt clients but they too have to be put aside because of training. I'm not complaining. Maybe whining, yes. I like what I'm doing. I love it in fact. I love the thought of waking up being able to row. Being able to push myself. But I don't like it when I train and I think about work. The thought of travelling to my workplace, wherever it may be, then having another training in the evening. I don't like training and worrying about money. Whether I have enough cash to last me for a whole month. How much I should save up for my insurance and investment plans. I want to train and be stress and worry free. I want to train only worrying about how fast is my boat moving and whether it is fast enough to win the Vietnams. But work and money will always be an issue no matter how much I want to shun it away.

So Korea was almost perfect. I didn't want to come home. The weather was cold, sometimes a bit too cold, but it makes you want to stay on the water as long as possible. The rooms that we stayed in were perfect. Close to the race venue, close to the canteen, fully equipped, cozy. Life was great for the past 10 days while we were there. Train, race, eat, sleep. No work to worry about. Food was a problem but I survived on bread, cheese and eggs. That's the life of an athlete I want. But good things have to come to an end. And you really get everything you want. I've learnt to accept that fact.
So the pairs came in 4th in our finals. We were 4secs behind e khazaks but I thought we did a good job in pulling away from the indons. The water during our race was madness. But we managed to pull through it, battle the waves and face the cold winds. My singles didn't turn out too good. But that was because I don't have hope in it already. Yes, I should nt say such things as an athlete but sometimes I have to be realistic. Or rather, honest. I feel good on the pairs but I don't feel that awesome when I sit on the singles. It's the thought of having someone else suffering with you that makes you want to pull harder on a pair. In the singles, it's you and only you. I know I used to be good on the singles but I haven't had that feeling for a very long time.
The boys didn't do too well, in fact they didn't race in their lightweight doubles finals cuz one of them was overweight. But I shall say no further because I have come to a conclusion that somethings are just not worth talking or worrying about.
My boyfriend deserve a better partner. That's all I can say.
So it's 2 weeks to SEA Games. I'm looking forward to it. To end it all, make it a good finish. And then, and then, I don't know what happens next.
That's what I'm worried about. I'm keen to look for a job but on the other hand, what if I want to continue training like this and work will get in the way?
And then recently I thought about my Olympic dreams. I want to be there badly, but what if things don't go my way. Do I have an alternative plan? I shouldn't even be thinking of NOT being able to get there but like I said, we can't always get what we want.
With that mentioned, one of the national sailors want me to be her partner for Rio 2016. Is it a calling?
What about work? Omg.
And family? Yes it worries the shit out of me to see my peers starting their own family.
Nadzrie's only 18.
Still a long way to go.
But if it's meant to be then I guess things will go our way, right?

I'm not having doubts about our relationship.
I'm not changing my dreams to be an Olympian.
I'm just worried about my future
I don't have to see 5 or 10 years down the road.
Look at December.
What happens after SEA Games? I don't even have a clue yet.
I don't have a plan.

I think I worry too much.
Let's sleep. I have work tomorrow.

Goodnight world.

Bored much.

2011-09-03T13:19:00.002+08:00

I know right. It's not everyday that a rower would say that especially on a sunny Saturday morning.
At this point of time, I glanced outside the window behind me and looked at my watch. 1.20pm and it's cloudy. Right. I've been sitting on this cold hard KFC chair for close to 2 hours already. An empty aluminum casing where an egg tart once was being placed, piping hot and smelled so damn good now just staring right back at me tempting me to get another piece.
Once on the lips, forever on the hips. Is that how the saying goes? I'm fat. For an athlete. Well, that's what I think.
Im all alone. At KFC. On a Saturday.
I feel sad and needy.
I'm waiting for Nadzrie and Joanna to finish their YOG thingy at Kay Siang Rd. And I'm bored. So I spent my last 2 hours or so doing absolutely random things like searching for flights to go on a holiday at the end of the year, googling places to go, things to do, food to eat at (fill in the blanks) I don't know. Bandung with family? Bali with Sha? But sea games is in Jakarta! Omg. Back to my indon roots much?
I'm thinking about....nothing. Okay maybe, getting a car? Buying a condo? Getting married and naming my kids?
I don't know what to think about. I don't know how to deal with boredom and I have an iPad right in front of me.
Should I play my tiny tower? But ive already stocked all my stores. Hanging with friends? But I need the combined effort of Nadzrie and Aisyah to solve. Ninjump? It makes me curse and swear loudly and fidget alot so maybe not. Hmm.
I know, I'm thinking about food. About what to eat for lunch. I feel like having pasta. Creamy or tomato? Creamy is nice but fattening. I'm thinking about the dinner I'm going to have with my family later at Novena Square. Some Indonesian restaurant. Hmmmm.. My salivary glands suddenly became more productive.
I'm thinking about training. I have another training later at 4pm. Yes! Another! I had one this morning at 7am OH AND TALKI ABOUT TRAINING! my coach quit.
Yes.
Quit. Like gone. Like berambos kind of thing.
I KNOW RIGHT.
69 days to sea games if you're wondering.
He said it wasn't us, it's the management. I wish to not mention any further.
I'm just pissed and sad and confused and lost right now I don't know what to feel anymore.
I'm not gonna let this affect my performance.

I don't want to think about training. It tires my mind out.

I wanna think about drinks. I'm so thirsty. Sould I get a drink? What should I pamper myself with? Oooooh! Macs horlicks shake! No. Aisyah. You're an athlete. Eat healthy food. Please.

It's 1.36pm. Nadzrie hasn't contacted me yet which means they're not done yet. I'm sad. oh god im such a barnacle I should just attach myself to his back or something. His mum calls us horseshoe crabs. Cuz apparently these crabs can always be seen together CBS ause they're only seen out of water when they're mating. How sweet. Ahhh, nadzrie's mum. Now I'm thinking about her chicken cook orange or red or her rending or porridge. Omg. I'm hungry. No, wait, starving.

I wanna sleep. So tired omg. Maybe I'll walk around. Look for my brother's birthday present. He turned 30 two days ago. I know right. And he's not married yet. How scary! I thought I'll get married before I turn 25 but that's two years away and Nadzrie's haven't even been to NS. omg. By the time he ORDs I'll be 28. GASPS.
Don't think about this don't think aout this don't think about this.
I wanna marry him. I get mad at everyone and everything most of the time after training and I will perangai to him but he doesn't give up on pujuking me. I don't know how to translate those words in English. Okay I'll try. "I will attitude to him but he doesn't give up on soothing my heart? Hahahahahahah that sounds hilarious.

The KFC lady just removed my tray is she chasing me out cuz I've sat here for too long? My bum bum's getting pretty tired too. Maybe it's time for me to leave. Nice talking to you.

Bye!

And I'm gonna kill that Nadzrie Hyckell.

hari raya 2011

2011-08-30T22:12:00.002+08:00

its scary how fast time flies. its already end of august and september's in two days and then comes october and after october is november and november serves as a very important month for me because november is the reason i am not giving away zakat to kids during raya today. november is the reason why i dont splurge on items and it is the very reason why i get broke sometimes. novemeber is the reason why i quit my friggin job. to think about it, i really hated my job. ironically, im back into teaching right after i quit. and it made me consider teaching primary schools instead cuz the kids are more adorable and you can scare them with threats and white lies just to get their attention. but NO WAY am i going to join the education industry again. and yes. back to my november whinings. ZOMG NOVEMBER IS THE SEA GAMES.i know. how scary is that.

i dont feel fit, esp not after the first day of raya. and after a few days of having stupid flu because i was being too harworking cleaning the house (yes. HOUSE. yes. ALONE.) i dont even feel anywhere near SEA GAMES-ready, masyaAllah. its scary! cuz ive made so much sacrifices for this ($2500 a month kind of sacrifices in fact) and if it doesnt turn out well im gonna kill myself. okay maybe not so drastic just in case my future employers read my blog and think that i have suicidal tendencies. maybe i'll just brood for like a few weeks and then jump back to normal BUT im not gonna let that happen. i promise myself that from tomorrow onwards which is the 31st of August 2011, i will give 110% in every training. cuz no matter how hard i train, theres always someone training harder. and no matter what the outcome may be i know that i have given my all and finish my races with no regrets.
aww, aisyah rower is back. :D

thinking about rowing on the first day of raya.
am i weird?

i was thinking alot about 3 things today actually.

1. I CANT WAIT TO GET ON THE WATER. i swear. i kinda miss rowing, i know. the last time i rowed was umm sunday and im already missing it. rowing during the fasting month was tough but we persevered and coach was being too nice I HATED IT. coaches cant be nice. good athletes cant have NICE coaches. ugh. cant stand it. we only completed like 2-3 full trainings so far for the fasting month. the rest were all discounted cuz we were fasting not that we asked for it he conveniently told us to do lesser and gave us excuses like we look tired or we do a bit and it'll be enough. i mean, sometimes when we were given discounts we try not to complain but thats not how professional athletes function. you know what i mean? I WANT TO BE PUSHED DAMN HARD. not treated like a school team rower whose coach says OKAY to every of her needs and wants. okay not all. but im sure you get what i mean, right? :(
i guess i just have to live with this. and do my best. "do my best" sounds lame shit clishe-ish but SHUTUP UNLESS YOU CAN THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

2. they say dont marry the person you can live with, marry the person you cant live without. omg. im 23 and i should be able to handle this feeling better. right? but its almost 10 months since we're together and i still feel like im falling in love with him over and over and over again and i know i sound like a desperate love sick teenage girl but really, i dont care. cuz i almost died not seeing his face for two days. i dont think i'll be back in rowing as much without him. and i guess my only motivation for now to reach my goals is him. NADZRIE HYCKELL HAMZAH. i love your mum's ayam masak oren and i miss your mum's bubur ayam and i love you. even if you dont like travelling and i love travelling but i guess i can live with that. DAH.

3. and this is crazy but the whole day i was wishing i was young again and i wish i was going visiting with all my family members, mummy, daddy and my 4 brothers. but too bad so sad we all had to grow up and live our separate busy lives. my dad has another family. my little brother who looks 30 is in the army. my eldest bro is married and has other responsibilities. and my third bro doesnt like raya much. so thats left with me, my second bro, mum and her husband. but but but i should be thankful i do have a family to celebrate raya with although it doesnt feel as cheerful and complete like how it used to be. today, ive definitely learnt to be grateful. Alhamdullilah.

(yes, i miss my dad. he's still around but he doesnt share his life with me anymore. i dont even know how it feels like anymore having a dad around and especially going visiting with a dad. OH WELL STOP BEING EMO SHIT AISYAH AND STOP CRYING.)

BACK TO MY MAIN FOCUS OF 2011: SEVENTY THREE DAYS.
to the Games.
back to training.
and oh God oh God oh God Im praying so hard that i will get that scholarship that will lessen the burdens off my shoulders so i can focus 200% on training and not worry about work.
but whatever the outcome, i will continue to train so hard and win those medals i deserve.

AHHHHH IM SO OPTIMISTIC SOMETIMES IT SCARES ME. i dont even know why.
im so weird.

k, selamat hari raya. may you have your share of joy and happiness today, no matter how little. :)

Amin.

Seven things.

2011-08-01T11:43:00.003+08:00

It's the first day of puasa and I'm already dying. Omg I'm so weak and lousy at this omg I should just shut up to save me from all the sins I get my when my mouth opens. Okay let's try to keep the blog post today clean, in respect of this holy month.

1. I'm listing things down cuz it makes things look more organized. Unlike my life and my bank account and my room and my brain. All. Messed. Up.
Okay suker hati kau.
2. Let's talk about training. Training has been meh-normal. Somewhat exciting at times like when my oars got stuck in a fishing line and nadzrie chased some banglas away and we explored new parts of the kallang river. while most of the times it can be a lil bit tiring. Which is stupid of me to say that cuz if trainings are not tiring then I shouldn't even be called a national athlete. I don't mind the lethargy i get after training which is supposed to mean that i have put in alot of effort in training. The most dreadful thing is the part after training when I have to head to work. and then there's training again in the evening. I am not complaining, just stating facts. That's what makes it bloody tiring. That middle part of the day when I'm supposed to be resting but I need to earn some income to support my expenses thus I work and my work isn't those kinds in which I come to office sit down shake leg. I gotta stand, teach these kids how to play Netball or how to play this sport or that sport and scream at kids who don't listen to you and all these expenses large amounts of energy so by the time second training ends I'm as good as a dead cow.
But I shall not complain. Well, I try to most of the time. The rest of the time I just bottle up all my anger and get mad at everything around me, and since Nadzrie is always around me I always get mad at him for absolutely no apparent reason and sometimes I feel stupid and lousy and Im sorry :(
3. That being said it's almost 9 months we've been together. There was a number of times that we quarreled, saying things we don't mean to each other, most of the times me saying things to him cuz I'm ridiculous when I'm angry. Me being the fragile one, absolutely over possessive and insecure and jealous. Oh god I'm such a girl. And we quarrel about the smallest most random things i swear. Like how stubborn i am when i still train even though my knee feels like its gonna tear. But yeah there was this once I was so mad at him for two days and that's a rare occurrence cuz usually I'll get mad for about an hour or two or longest, a whole day and I would wake up feeling better. But that day, I thought I'd sleep away the stupid feeling but I woke up still feeling like shit. So okay, for the benefit of those who share the same bgr problem as we do, here's what happened:
So my boyfriend has a girl crush on this girl who does exist in real life but he has never met her before and she would probably have no idea whatsoever of his existence. And I know there are millions of guys out there who has the same feeling for her. And she's one of those girls who look hot with clothes on. Yes I agree she is hot, no doubt. So hot i am ridiculously jealous! So I saw her photo on his wallpaper and I got really insecure and I refused to talk to him for two days. YES I KNOW IM A CRAZY RIDICULOUS PLEASE WOULD SOMEONE JUST SLAP MY FACE BITCH. Thinking about it, i was stupid and stupid is definitely an understatement. I have no idea how this boyfriend of mine could bear being with me omg. And amazing thing is, he stood next to me all the time despite me being so mad at him and not talking to him. How can I ever not love him, you tell me?
And yes, that girl I'm talking about is Emma Watson.
I know you'd s wanna kill me right now.
4. I'm having a boy crush on Captain America's Chris Evans cuz he's hot nak mampos. But I dont know. I think I've grown out of all this boy crushes cuz I find my bf hotter and I feel like I'm having a crush on him everyday. Am I weird?
5. Okay so I was supposed to go holland for a training camp next week and thereafter travel to Slovenia for world champs but the association couldn't afford because of the budget and so I dont know what's the conclusion now. Right now I just wanna train, become better and win medals for sea games and yes that brings me to no 5.
6. IVE BEEN SELECTED FOR SEA GAMES! which was pretty much quite expected since we won medals for the previous competition. So the team was supposed to consist of me, Jo, nadz and Shaun but Shaun got kicked out cuz he had been coming late for training, then there were some hoohaas about him being booted out and the association wasn't happy with the coach's decision and all that stuff that I'm too lazy to write oh terrible teammate/rower/person but I'm a bit tired now I don't wanna care, for now.
(at is point my stomach just grumbled and it reminded me that i haven't eaten. 2 more hours to buka.)
7.I'm broke its sad and scary at the same time. Sad cuz I'm broke. Scary cuz I'm broke. Okay u get what I mean. Even my savings are like NIL. I guess this is the sacrifice I have to live with. Honestly as much as I want to train I kinda miss working and earning.
I'm done for now. I just hope I'm going the right direction. Insyaallah.

Of bruises and blisters.

2011-06-22T22:58:00.005+08:00

Hi

Yes it's 1 am and yes I know I should be sleeping cuz I have training tmr morning but I feel like updating.

And the fact that I'm still pretty wide awake at this ungodly hour, that's pretty amazing, considering that I am not a night person at all.

Okay so I just got back from doing something that I know I shouldn't be doing but being the most stubborn person ever I went for it and yes it was nice and fun and it has been a long time since I did it but I hate hate hate getting injured from it :(

and I'm not gonna tell you what it is because if my coach ever finds out about this, I am so dead I swear.

and yes talking bout the new coach, we've been training almost twice a day since he arrived last sat. I know Im a full-time athlete and I shouldn't be complaining but it has been pretty hard to stay alive. Besides the fatigue that I feel before, during and after every training (which basically means I feel tired all the time) omg I'm going broke. The part time jobs have been supporting my travelling and food expenses. Anything beyond that is burning a hole in my pocket and it's scary how this might actually affect my dreams.

I know this is crazy but I've been thinking alot about it lately.
I'm having doubts and doubts are not good.
you know. What if this is not what I want? What if I need to work cuz this is not going well for me? What if I have to forgo my dreams to achieve something else? Maybe I won't be the Olympian but I'm an important factor to make someone else be one.
over thinking kills you sometimes.
but it's scary when I actually think of it.
I'm 23.
jobless.
broke.
:(

okay let's not think too much.
I guess I've chosen this path and might as well do my best to achieve something great out of it.

okay training. Like I said it's been pretty hard, both on my singles and the pair. Sometimes I get really tired, sometimes my knee starts to hurt (yes, again :((() sometimes I just lose all motivation whatsoever to train. :(
and the more i tape my hands the more blisters seem to form, my hands look disgusting now. :(
I'm such a lousy athlete omg.
but really, it has been painful.
two reasons for me to push on.
1. the fact that I quit my job for this.
2. Nadzrie.
I swear he has been the most patient bf ever. Withstanding my mood swings and utmost stubbornness and still never leaving my side.

makes me feel like a lousy gf too.

okay so last thing I wanted to say was that I passed my driving test (YAY!!!)

Ok no more stubbornness for now.
Someone out there will be saying to himself, "told you so".
hmph.

welcome to LOSERVILLE.

2011-05-11T08:47:00.002+08:00

this is gonna be a sad, depressing, stupid, awful, disgusting, lousy, total loser entry.

i failed my driving test.
i forgot how to park.
i swear i did.
i dont know what i was thinking.
i wasnt thinking.
i striked the curb twice and ive never striked the curb before.
i never did a parking wrong.
but yesterday, it was all wrong.
so, so wrong.

lets not talk about it.

boo 10th of may. boo!

im such a loser i swear.
it was hardly 2 mins into the test and i already failed.
i could see it at the corner of my eye on the tester's computer.
IMMEDIATE FAILURE in big, red, bold letters.
its like a in-your-face thing.
and the tester kept on saying, you must practice on your parking.
GOD DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I SPENT ON MY LESSONS AND HOW MANY THOUSAND TIMES I PARK AND JUST CUZ I SEE YOUR UNFRIENDLY FACE MY MIND WENT BLANK AND IT WAS AS THOUGH IVE NEVER PARKED IN MY LIFE BEFORE.
i dont blame you, mr tester.
you were just doing your job of putting on a scary face :(
i was so pissed at myself, the next few stations, the parallel parking (oh yes, i failed at vertical parking can u believe this shit?), the S course and the crank course and the slope was more than perfect, flawless. and yes, even after i failed he made me go tru the whole thing.

and after im done i was supposed to follow him to take my test result but i refuse to go, i waited till my driving instructor came and i cried bucketssssss omg. and he just stood there offering tissue paper. i was wailing i swear.

"MR LAIIIII I DONT WANNNA DRIVE ANYMOREEEEE"

OMG IM SUCH A LOSER ASSHOLE KIND OF THING.

wtf.

OKAY IM NOT SUPPOSED TO MULL ABOUT IT, GOD.

okay so the loser decided to go for rehab yesterday after the test.
okay i take that back.
the girl who's awesome on water but apparenlty not in the car (better?)
has been going for rehab almost everyday.
and im not complaining cuz my knees are definitely getting stronger.
and im aching for like the first time in many years.
painful, but i like.
rehab can be really painful.
ive been sitting on my least favourite machine in the world, the ergometer.
but thats the closest option to rowing on water.
im left with no choice.
i cant seem to reach the splits that i used to row,
which means that my strength and endurance have dropped miserably.
but i have to be patient.
BUT THERES NOT MUCH TIME LEFT TO SEARF AND ASIA CUP.
okay cool.

when i panic, everything is a disaster.
i need to take stress management classes.

okay so around 2-3 weeks to searf. I KNOW RIGHT HOW SCARY SHIT IS THAT.
and i havent been on the boat for 2 week or so.
this is crazy shit.
sometimes, well honestly, most of the time,
i regret going for the surgery,
but to put it in a good light,
this pain, i will remember,
cuz it will make me stronger.

you know, Nadz said,
the first time i raced on the singles, i capsized at the start.
and after that, i became awesome.
maybe it applies to my driving as well.
well, if thats the case, i cant wait to be awesome on the road.

WAH I THINK I HAVE THE MOST PATIENT BOYFRIEND IN THE WORLD.
i whine 98% of the time, i cry like almost everyday, i get mad and angry at nothing,
he's like dating a 10 yr old!
but im not complaining.
<3

DAH BYE.

whats new kan?

2011-04-29T21:37:00.004+08:00

how the week i wish never came did come, and go.
well its still friday and the week hasnt really gone per se but surviving more than half of it is already a hell of an achievement.

MONDAY.
okay so i went to the hospital at 1230.
the doctor took my blood pressure. he said it was low. and omg he had to take it like 4 times cuz he thought there was something wrong with the machine. omg, seriously. im an athlete, doctor. didnt med school teach you that athletes generally have lower bp?

the difference between what happened 2 years ago and this year was that this year, i had to wait outside the operating theatre and walk into the theatre on my own! i had to actually walk to the bed where they were going to cut my knee open, lay myself there and wait for them to put me to sleep. it was all so awkward! whereas 2 years ago, they pushed me to the OT on a hospital bed. so it seemed more drama, u see. but no drama this year. boo.

okay so as i lied there on the OT bed watching the nurses and doctors in scrubs walking around probably telling themselves, "sigh, another patient", i, on the other hand, was scared like hell. ive no idea why. maybe im scared of the fact that if i open my eyes after they put me to sleep, i will feel the same excruciating pain i felt 2 years ago after the op. so bad, all i could do was scream and they injected me with morphine. yeah, shit hell scared.

i remember the anasthetician talking to me as he pierced the big fat needle (im imagining it to be big and fat of cuz i didnt dare look at it) into my vein. then slowly i felt warm and heavy and POP. i became koko krunch!

next thing i know i was waiting to be pushed back to the ward.
i remembered clearly asking this nurse if they kept the screw for me.
then i fell asleep.
and i think i woke up again asking the same question.
lol.
no pain. no screaming.
just really, really drowsy.

post op wasnt as bad as i thought.
it could be either:
1. ive been tru this shit so im stronger.
or 2. its just less painful than before.
either ways, im grateful it didnt hurt that bad. and i was pretty okay at night when people came to visit me in my utmost horrendous condition of unglamourousness and ugliness.
oh well.

the screw was horrendously huge.
and it comes with a washer. just like my boats.

TUESDAY.
woke up in the hospital bed on tuesday to a beautiful morning.
greeted by the nurses, served oats and eggs for breakfast.
what a great life.
everything was perfect.
until the bedpan arrived.
i told the nurse i couldnt do it.
she insisted that i do my business there.
i sat on that thing for 10, 15 minutes i dont know but nothing came out.
finally they gave in.
ive never been so grateful for the existence of the toilet bowl.

i was supposed to go home at 130pm but when the physio arrived and took me for a walk i almost passed out. she checked my blood pressure which was ridiculously low. so they told me to stay in bed for a few more hours.

i was awesome on crutches at 530pm they allowed me to go home. woohoo.

WEDNESDAY.
went for my first rehab at ssc as a carded athlete (like finally). didnt do much tho. just did alot of icing and bending to get my range back. doctor said that it would be tough getting me back on the boat but nothing is impossible.

THURSDAY.
went for rehab in the morning and was like 1 and a half hr early cuz mum sent me on her way to work. didnt mind the early morning at all because i miss waking up at 5am to row :(

dont remind me dont remind me dont remind me :(((

i know. im still broody and sappy about this knee shit and the fact that i cant run or row or sweat or lose wt. im frustrated. im sad. im angry. i dont know. im just UGH. u know. UGH. :(

and this weight thing omg its getting into me really. i mean like okay im 61kg now, and i have to be 59kg MAX by may. at least mid may, to be safe, cuz competition's last week of may and i have to get used to be a lightweight. and thats at least 3kg off and i can easily shed these last few kilos off when im on the boat or when im able to run but you have no friggin idea how much it blows me off my tops when i cant do any of them and i try to perspire by exercising at home but omg the drops of sweat that trickle down my skin is like negligible!

its frustrating, really, but i cant do shit now, can i?

:(

and i know i know i know, like what all the oh so famous athletes would say,

"every failure is a stepping tstone to success" and shit along those lines but u know, its not that easy, really.

i mean, ive been tru this.

over and over again.

its just a phase right?
yeah.
it'll pass by.
and you'll grow stronger.

sometimes, im tired of pretending to be strong.
or mentally strong.
or whatever.

you cant be the best all the time.
like what (whats his face- the guy who sang Cannonball?) said,
"even the best falls down sometimes."

haiz. and double haiz.

i remembered getting so pissed off at myself and the world for God knows what reason i vented my frustration on Nadzrie. and as usual i woke up feeling like the lousiest gf in the world. oh God when will i ever learn.

FRIDAY.

woke up at 11am. and you know i hate waking up feeling like i wasted my morning but what could i have done in the morning anyway. cant run. cant row. cant even friggin walk properly. so my mind could have told my body, "SHUT UP AND GO BACK TO SLEEP." possible.

went to driving which was awesome and i missed driving and i cant wait to pass, insyaAllah. and thank God even with a knee like this i still can drive. and omg it didnt rained today it literally POUREDDDDDDDDDD and it was my first time driving in the heavy rain and visibility was so bad but i did well and im so proud of myself woohoo.

accompanied Nadz on his first day of work which I ended up taking over. Im sorry, sayang. hahaha. slowly you'll learn to be awesome like me. :P

there were some droplets of water in my bandage today. it might be because of sweat, as wat Nadz proclaimed, cuz i didnt know my knees can sweat. it might also be because i refuse to wrap plastic over my bandage when i shower due to pure laziness. so i asked my paramedic brotehr to change the dressing for me and it was scary but its all clean and dry now. hurray.

----

and so tomorrow i'll be spending the whole day at a first aid refresher course and my mum keeps on saying, "later who's gonna need the first aid ni?"

and im gonna miss weekend trainings and you know how much i love weekend training.
but i guess sometimes sacrifices have to be made for a greater good, no?

STOP BROODING ALREADY MAKCIK.

thank you liyana for visiting me at the hospital on monday and thank you for the pink daisy. they're still alive, surprisingly, considering the fact that me and flowers dont usually go along very well.

thank you yatay for coming down with the artificial flowers and cake which i gobbled up the next day when i was really hungry, and entertaining me with your daily doses of gossips even when im lying there on the hospital bed half dead.

thank you shaheen and elly for surprising me. one day im on my feet running 10 rounds around the track and rushing to meet you guys for Gelare, next day im on the bed feeling like taik unable to walk even to the toilet 5secs away from me. but you girls never fail to make me smile.

thank you iylia and marlia (i love the way their names sound together) for the chocolates and the advice (i.e. listening to my doctor).

thank you everyone for your well wishes because whenever i feel like giving up hope, i will look at my FB page and remind myself that if i give up, i'm giving up on these 224 people who believed in me.

and finally, thank you Nadzrie Hyckell, for being there for me whenever you can, before school, straight after school, after training, before training, omg. you're amazing. thank you for listening to me whine and complain and thank you for taking the shit i throw at you when im frustrated and angry and thank you for layaning my nonsense when im feeling like shit. thank you for not leaving me because im like this. thank you for accepting me for who i am, being 5 years older than you, being whiny and annoying, being a loser sometimes and i know i can be so stubborn sometimes u just want to cut my head off. thank you for loving me despite me having one really small calf and thigh muscles than another, despite me having bigger thighs than you, despite me having weird watch tan lines and despite me walking on crutches and everyone's staring at me like as though im an alien. thank you for sending me home every night even though u live 45 mins away and you have training or school the next morning. thank you, sayang.

23 years of aisyah :)

2011-04-19T15:37:00.003+08:00

life has been running on routine mode:
wakeup-train-rest-train-eat-sleep.
wakeup-train-rest-train-eat-sleep.
wakeup-train-rest-train-eat-sleep.

waking up as early as 5am is now a norm to me and i'll feel weird if i dont do anything in the morning. like that day i woke up kinda late- ard 7am (yes, waking up at 7am is pretty late for me) and i went to work feeling shit tired cuz i didnt do anything in the morning. I KNOW.
training has been tough,
not crazy,
not yet.
but tough training is good, it makes me feel satisfied. good training makes the day worth living by. like what Gay used to say "you shouldnt feel refreshed after training." she's right. especially on saturdays. 5 hours on water. woohoo. afterwards, we'll all feel shagged like hell, but it feels worth it.

do i sound retarded?

rowers. have. no. life.

or maybe, we do have a life. a life that noone else can ever, ever get until they become a rower themselves.

oarsome.

but,

sometimes, just sometimes, when my mind starts to wander, i'll be asking myself if i should have stayed as a teacher. what i miss most is that paycheck on the 12th of every month. not having to worry about money. it was a good feeling, but well, good things have to come to an end right? and im letting good things go for something even better! right right right?

i guess.

sometimes, i wonder if im fooling myself.

but looking at how much i improve everyday on water, or on the erg, (even if i dont improve), looking at my weight going down, closer to being considered a lightweight rower (female lightweight is 59kg tops, mind you- which falls under my unhealthy weight range) i guess, quitting wasnt a bad thing after all. i look forward to every training. and of course, with every training, comes the opportunity to see his face. honestly, i dont know where i'll be and what i'll do without him.

yes, him.

the one who brought me back to rowing.
the one who need not shout at me to tell me to row faster or not give up or tell me that im fast or good or awesome because i know that he believes in me- every 172cm of me. :)

(and yes, today at the hospital, i found out that i was 172cm GOD SAVE ME DID I JUST LOSE 1CM OFF MY HT?)

boo.

but what i do know is that my wingspan is LONG! longer than my height! woohoo fast fact of the day!

okay, i know sometimes i feel like a pile of goondoomuthusamy when i get mad at him for not pushing me on or being proud of me, but that would have to be the PMS.
like what i learnt today:

"Its okay if someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, cuz that doesnt mean they dont love you with all that they have."

how sweet.

and now that school has started for him, ive been pretty alone. i know im such a loser. coming home from training, lying on my bed just lazing around, sometimes if i feel hardworking i'll clean my room (like what i did yesterday! *pats on my back*), i'm planning to learn how to cook and maybe find another job or two, or maybe even pick up a new hobby like honing my natural talent on the keyboard (I LEARNT TO PLAY LADY GAGA'S BORN THIS WAY ON THE PIANO IN A NIGHT! now its time to learn how to sing + play at the same time cuz my multi-tasking skill is DISGUSTING) and start volunteering. (OMG ambitious much, babe.) my life has been falling in place nicely. sometimes i miss him too much all i wanna do is sleep (do i sound 14?). im broke for a 22 year old but you know, im doing what i love most, with the person i love most and, IM NOT COMPLAINING. life has been good since i left school, alhamdullilah. and i know more exciting things await me :D

and OMG TALKING ABOUT BEING 22 (i dont know- i get excited too easily nowadays) today is my last day being 22. i know theres nothing to be excited about growing old- i didnt say i was excited that tomorrow's my birthday. its just that, it doesnt feel like those good old days anymore when you bite your nails awaiting for the big day to come wondering what your friends have bought for you and get all mad cuz you dont receive as much presents as the previous year. these days, birthdays seem to be just another day when you grow older. thats it.

and really, really, really, im not wishing for anything spectacular. all i wanna do is have a good dinner with my loved ones- my family and you. seeing my family eating together beats anything. and honestly, if there was something you wanna get me, im sorry but i cant help you there cuz theres absolutely nothing material that i have in mind. what i really do want is a Gold Medal in the SEA Games and to recover fast and well after my surgery.

and yes, surgery is on the 25th of April. doctor says its best to remove the screw in my knee as it has been causing me alot of pain. i'll give myself a month to recover, and i'll be more awesome than now. insyaAllah.

happy early 23rd, aisyah. :)

Angsty Day.

2011-04-07T22:24:00.004+08:00

omg its been forever since i updated my blog. been busy, as usual. (wah kerek, serious. cannot take it.)
SO MANY THINGS TO TELL YOU LETS GIST IT IN 10 POINTS.

1. ive been reading my previous entries not cuz i have nothing better to do. cuz my life feels like its on repeat mode. let me recall-

2007: met with a stupid bicycle accident. no rowing for 3 weeks. whining. lost so much weight that i looked skinny like hell. SEA GAMES (woohoo) bronze.

2009: ACL. and growing fat. and whining- lots of it. dah, that would summarize my 2009 well.

2011: acl surgery in 17 days (I KNOW RIGHT OMG) + wisdom teeth surgery. no rowing for i dont know how long. can forsee myself whining. alot. missing training. losing weight. SEA GAMES this year. ZOMG. and and and reading my past entries has given me some sort of inspiration to continue rowing. i mean, if i was 19 and i could have done all those shit, it would be much easier now. right? right.

2. YES im going for 2 surgeries in mid april, 1. to remove the screw in my knee 2. to remove my wisdom teeth. what an exciting way to celebrate my birthday I KNOW I CANT WAIT. hopefully the screw + 4 teeth would weigh around like 2kg so i dont have to worry so much abt my weight then.

3. knee has been causing me lots of pain and tears. been crying for almost all my trainings cuz im such a wuss and a loser. and yes i know im stubborn. I ADMIT IT OKAY. especially when it comes to erging OMG WHY DO THOSE MACHINES EVEN EXIST MY GOD. coach says that the toughest thing i could do is to stop when my knee hurts. he's right :(

4. we have a new club coach who's like 190+cm towering over us like a giant! and his sidekick who's like 150+cm (okay bedek) and they've been helping us alot alot alot. :)

5. OH YES I QUIT TEACHING. last day was on 31 march. so proud of myelf to have taken that big leap omg im crazy i know even raihan agrees. but you gotta do what you gotta do. cant imagine myself waking up doing things i dont like such as seeing some people's faces i dont like. HAHAHA IM SUCH A LOSER OMG. but teaching was an awesome experience. i realised that i cant make kids pass their test but i can make them love me. i miss them, although they may be annoying and ive never really spend a day in school not screaming at them. AND YES I MISS TEACHING. not the other stuff like chasing kids for work or taking attendance or all those shit. just teaching :)

6. ive been training full-time oh yeah! getting so tanned and tired but i like. training for the only thing that matters- that gold. GO AISYAH!

7. I NEED TO FIND A JOB! i know i cant stand the fact that all these surgeries and consultation fees and travelling and eating and what nots is costing me SO MUCH MONEY I SWEAR ITS SUCKING ME DRY. :( okok must not be lazy to find jobs. but with the surgeries coming up and the competitions i have no friggin idea how im gonna cope but you know what IMPOSSIBLE IS NOTHING bebeh.

8. upcoming japan lightweight (omg i wanna go for this but i have like 5kg to shed in like 2 months, it only means one thing STARVE) so unhealthy siolz. i dont wanna lose the strength. like recently being able to beat yr bf on water feels like the best thing on earth (yes, i know it was slow pieces but still! gimme chance just this once to make me feel happy k?) next competition is the asia cup which will determine if i go to SEA Games or not- how freaking scary shit is that?

9. today, ive learnt alot about trust. ive learnt that you should never do things to others what you dont want others to do to you. always always always remind myself that. cuz karma is a crazy thing, really.

10. last thing i would like to say is that, "if it aint pain, it aint love"

DAH BYE BESOK TRAINING PUKUL 7 PAGI WOOHOO.

the CNY holidays.

2011-02-06T01:10:00.005+08:00

they say if you truly really love someone, then the only thing you want for them is to be happy, even if its not with you.

---

CNY holidays are coming to end. LOUSY. time flies so fast when youre having fun, doing fun things, like training. HAHAHAHA. omg i sound pathetic but that was what ive been doing for the past few days. train, train, train, but training doesnt feel like a chore anymore. which is a good thing, i think. ;)

other than training, i cleaned my room. SO RAJIN OMG. Nadz was supposed to help but he came only after i was almost done. perangai right. hahaha! after that we went for daddy's bbq and played the dance thingy on kinect which was so hilariously fun! SO TEMPTED TO BUY. but i needa save for a lappie or camera or holiday or umm, ugh. MONEY. that reminds me yet again, still havent submitted my resignation letter (or even hinting to my HODs that im gonna quit) I KNOW RIGHT IM SO GONNA DIE.

yah, so trainings have been going pretty well, ive been running religiously like a mad dog, Nadz calculated that i ran 24km in total in january. oh wait, or was it 40km or 50km? oh shit. i forgot, shall ask him tmr. im starting to enjoy running again like how i used to be able to run 10km everyday FOR FUN. but not that crazy, YET. training on water has been okay, we've been getting materials from the trusted FISA website. no point brooding over the fact that we, national athletes, are coach-less. so we're working on things we can actually make a difference to. so there you go. own training programme, encouraging each other on. whats not there to like about trng, i ask you? <3

BUT BUT BUT, today. omg today has to like spoil the chain of awesome rowing days. today, i went on water feeling like crap, i rowed like crap, wait, i dont even know if whatever i did on water was called rowing but IT WAS CRAPPISH. it was so bad i cried i know loser sia. ok done. tomorrow will be a better day, promise.

3 things which were not supposed to be on my mind were all i thought about while i was rowing:

1. lactic acid on the legs (noone said lactic training was fun)

2. the tingling sensation on my back (i cant decide if it hurts or it tingles)

3. the knee (like whats new)

BODOH KAN.
ok moving on.

yah, its like 1:25am and im still pretty much wide awake i dont know why. and if he finds out im still awake he's gonna be mad. lets just hope i can wake up at 5 tmr for trng. crosses fingers.

okay wait back to my Saturday. it was so eventful i have to spill it right here right now before i forget.

other than stupid trng, (ugh so angry with myself) i went to play touch at nyjc after much persuasion from yatay, as part of trng for our games next week. i decided not to get involved so much cuz sport shoes and stupid long grasses and uneven ground on the field dont go well together. so when i did a partial split once attempting to run, i decided to go slow. and some insensitive bugger who ive never met before (and apparently gonna be my teammate for the games) decided to carik pasal by asking me whether i was serious about playing for the games. its not like i want to be mean, but hey, you dont deserve my kindness. naa-aah. you know what, go find your perfect player for your team. oh wait, your team apparently comes under my name. oh no. looks like youre gonna have to find your own team. boo you!

met the girls at some really dodgy karaoke place at cuppage. and ive concluded that we should just stick to playing sports, really. we dont sing, we melalak. like screech. like that. HAHAHAHA. but it was fun. with all our memek faces and awesome voices. woohoo.

so when i got home, i was alone till like midnight and i stayed up for my parents to come back home from KL. part of the reason was because i was scared thus the lights in my house were switched on as though it was raya. and for the first time in many months, i was actually sitting on the living room couch, watching TV! SO MANY CHANNELS AND PROGRAMMES TO WATCH I SAT THERE FOR A GOOD 4 HOURS I SWEAR and omg i feel so domesticated today i washed the clothes, hanged the clothes, folded the clothes. (so hardworking i dont know why) and the first thing my mum did when she got home was to nag cuz i didnt sweep the floor.

yeah.

told her i have a class agama tmr with yatay at changi and instead of being happy about it, she scolded me that it was too far.

sometimes, i dont know what to say, really.

so you know, i plugged in my headphones and listened to our karaoke adventures (more like listening to 8 crazy girls attempting to sing their lungs out).

oh well.

and and and, this might sound as though ive been spending way too much time with sec school kids but I LOVE HIM OMG. okay bye.

sick of being sick.

2011-01-27T09:58:00.004+08:00

monday: coughs, flu, and a bad sore throat. went to the doctor, told him i need to work so he gave me meds which didnt cause drowsiness. $50 for some paracetamol, something for the flu, lozenges and cough syrup.
tuesday: went to school for my kids bcuz i wanted to prep them for their upcoming test, but instead they gave me hell. i was coughing incessantly, others would have thought i could just drop and die, spreading germs everywhere i go. my sore throat worsened it hurts to talk and as a teacher you dont talk, you shout. got so mad at my classes for making me shout at them i made them run extra rounds, and this boy from my geog class was still able to ask me to speak louder. rude. he received a good scolding from me for being rude and insensitive. felt feverish the whole day, so i decided to visit another doctor. found out that i had fever 38.3 degrees, and a throat infection, thus my voice sounded like a man which Nadz happily made fun of throughout the whole day. paid $60, discounted $10 for being a public servant, received another 5 types of meds, received MC for 2 days and the first thing i thought about was the test my kids were supposed to sit for on thursday.
wednesday: stayed at home, rested, fever went down but my throat was still sore and there were infinite phlegms in my nose and throat. ran some errands in the day, sick and all, because im just that stubborn. period.
thursday: found out that i was supposed to inform my HODs if im not in school but i didnt because i conveniently assumed that they know i wasnt around.

biggest mistake in any situation: making assumptions.

didnt manage to inform the school in the morning before 650am because at 650am i was still fast asleep because i drowned myself with 8 different kinds of pills and cough syrups the night before, thus the woozy feeling up in my head right now. didnt set work for my classes either because honestly i didnt know what my PE classes could do when im not around. sitting here on my bed, feeling like shit, regretting the fact that i should be in school being there for my kids sitting for the test, and then i wonder what difference does it make to them whether im there or not. and then it made me realise that i actually care for them and it makes me feel good for a moment that i am a good teacher. and the next moment, feel bad because im not in school, for them. which is stupid because i do have a reason for not being in school, im on MC, i was really sick, its not like i like being sick or i get MC for the sake of skipping school because right now theres no reason for me to fake MC and being sick means i cant train and everyone knows how itchy my butt will get when i dont exercise and ive been retraining myself from doing any physical activity because i really wanna get well asap. i ran a total of 24km last week and NONE this week and i feel so shitty i swear i could go cold turkey from not exercising i'd just die.

so why am i feeling the guilt for not being in school?

bodoh siolz.

job opportunities still waiting for me to pounce on them.

im 22 and wrecked.

i know i enjoy my job but i just dont see myself doing it for the longest time.

or is it just me telling myself that, over and over again?

luvvit.

2011-01-27T02:20:00.001+08:00

"roses are red,

violets are blue.

he's for me,

and not for you.

and if by chance,

you take my place.

i'll take my fist,

and smash your face."

ta-ta-ta-talking bout blah, blah, blah

2011-01-20T22:09:00.002+08:00

nadzrie hyckell, if youre reading this, this is for you for "blah, blah, blahing" at my previous entry (which made me not want to display it publically bcuz after i re-read it again, i realised it was full of whining about the same old shit and recently i wonder if im REALLY THAT BORING! like recently, i was filling up some surveys about myself for yatay and like most of my answers were either about rowing, rowing or erm, rowing. omg save me.)

but then again, rowers are boring people. and so are teachers. and im both. woohoo! what a perfect KOMBO! (with a K)

shiats. just promise me you wont leave me cuz im boring, will you?

week 3 of school's gonna end and im still not resigning yet. i dont have a plan yet. NO GOOD.

the rowing asstn is at war currently. rowers VS clubs. ugh, one of the main reasons why it sucks to be an athlete here. the politics, my god. basically, all i can say is that. we're national athletes without any coach and its the SEA Games year. woohoo! yeah, let the world know aisyah, it will put u in a very good position to be kicked out of the asstn! booyah. but maybe, i wont be kicked out, instead get a pat on my back for being so full of integrity. right.

school has been pretty hectic, as usual, with the upper hand people assuming that we, the lower end teachers have all the time in the world for everything! one teacher who just started working as a full-time teacher after NIE said something really inspiring: "if i had known teaching was like this, i wouldnt have taken up the job." well said. inspiring to dodol heads like me who cant make simple decisions in life.

today i was talking to a particular student who got home suspension on the third week of school because of many days of truancy. and i asked her if she had any dreams or wishes of what she wants to be when she grows up and she insisted that she doesnt. i wish i could help these kids see that they still have a chance of changing their future. i wish i knew how to. :(

see nadz. no more whining!

and recently, i went to sungei buloh with the geog kids and we were walking tru the mangrove forest and i was enlightened. yes, by mangroves.

similar to how mangroves adapt to the changes in their environment in order to survive, i discovered that as much as we dont like changes, they are indeed inevitable, so its best if we just accept them and friggin move on.

HOW GEOG IS THAT OMG IT SCARED ME HOW PHILOSOPHICAL I CAN GET THINKING ABOUT MAGNROVES. but think about it, aisyah, you wreck. people change, things change whether you like it or not. so pretty well suck it up or continue sulking about it and die.

and nadz, for the record, as angsty as you are 99.9% of the time, as much as u hate surprises even if its from me, even though u talk abt yog and felix more than how much u talk abt how awesome i am on water, despite friends critisizing us because we're different, (i love being different btw), you're awesome and i love you.

best.

and i wrote big big on my bedroon wall:

WAKE UP EVERYDAY DETERMINED TO BE AMAZING.

insyaallah.

lets make things happen bebeh.

2011-01-08T21:23:00.002+08:00

FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL.

one word: overwhelming.

do they even realise that im an untrained teacher?
and they're giving me classes to teach on my own.
and wait for this,
omg. they're letting me set test papers and exam papers for the level.
LIKE WHAAAAAAAT. i know.
its either
a) they trust me too much,
b) they're making full use of me, or
c) they cant resist my awesomeness.

orientation with my sec 1 form class went really good, so good that my class won 2 prizes out of like 5 prizes! woohoo! the sec1s are so hyper omg i dont know what their mums fed them for breakfst!!! i know i made a BAD, BAD move by being too nice to them but really. i cant stand myself being fierce. its tiring. lets just hope they dont step on my head too much. they better watch out.

taught my first ever geog lessons with powerpt slides, its like giving a presentation but not graded in anyway and 'cept that the audience were copying notes. hahaha!

and yes, when they say that a teacher's life is like friggin busy, they're really not kidding about it. no way.

settling admin issues, pampered students with 23954012482 excuses why they didnt bring this and that, settling admin issues, paperwork, meetings, lesson plans, SOWs, dealing with kids who just wont sit still, admin issues, and wait, i havent even started on work itself. preparing notes, powerpt slides, assignments, OMG AND I AM GIVEN A TASK TO SET TEST AND EXAM PAPERS. i know right. may God bless me.

downside of all things, i hardly get to train omg and theres a competition in March, we hardly even start on hard trainings, SEA Games is drawing nearer and all they care about is clubs and money? seriously.

and im still fat. BOO.

okay dah. i have a million stuff to do. on one hand im kinda excited, but on the other, im afraid it'll be a temporary feeling and if not sure if i want to feel like this for the next 5 years or so. baah. and theres like a gazillion job opportunities sprouting like taugehs. GAAAH.

im not gonna say fml cuz i love my life and i appreciate every moment of it. :)

and yoohoo an yindian girl started talking to me at causeway pt while i was shopping for school stuff alone. she was like, "wow, u look so fit!" "so are u aiming for the olympics? (referring to my necklace)" "nice to know you! (she said it thrice, shook my hands thrice!)" i know right. FREAKY.
HAHAHAHAHA.

okay lets get started on work! WOOHOO.

hello 2011.

2011-01-01T18:08:00.003+08:00

so ive decided to selit (selit was the word for the day on 31st dec 2010) this period of time right now, for some ME time. im giving myself about 20mins or so, put my iphone on silent, close all other windows and tabs on my lappy, shut the room door, stop the music playing from my itunes and sit on the edge of my bed (because 90% of my bed is occupied, you'll find out later on), fingers on the keyboard, ready to type away.

here goes.

2011 New Year Resolution.
what is it. how do i intend to acheive it. and how badly i want it.

1. i will be less fickle minded.
im not promising myself to not be fickle minded at all because i know its impossible. so bit by bit lamer lamer jadi bukit. i will make decisions fast and not annoy people with my indecisiveness. unless its syahir, i will be fickle minded just to annoy the shit out of him. thats what little brothers are for. if being asked "berms or shorts" i will answer either berms or shorts and not give a choice which is not provided like jeans or tights, worse still, ask a question back like "what colour is the berms? the shorts?". on a serious note, if being put in a situation to choose between "money or passion" or "teach or coach" or "quit or stay", i dont know how im gonna do it but like they always say, "follow what your heart says". i know its bullshit when u follow what your heart says because your heart cant speak, it only pumps blood and unless you have a stethoscope you cant really listen to it. in secondary school biology, we learnt that the heart makes a "lub dub" sound. if "lub dub" sounds like "yes, aisyah, you should quit" then quit, but if "lub dub" sounds more like "dont quit, dumbass" then do what your heart says. right? in fact, to make things clear, "following yr heart" is another way of saying, "im sorry i cant help you there just decide for yourself okay? youre all alone now. if you make the wrong choice you only have yourself to blame. HAH."
when decisions are made, i will not look back and regret. fight for what you stand for, even if it means fighting for it alone. awesome.

2. i will procrastinate lesser.
i will get things done asap so workload wont pile up like mt everest at the end of the day. i am going to acheive this by limiting myself to 15mins of fb a day, 30mins max if needed. when doing work, i will not distract myself with other things like planning for my next holiday or researching on where to eat later for dinner. all these can be done after work is completed. if work is not completed then too bad, suck thumb and cry. i will not let work pile up because it can be a bitch when deadlines are near. and i will not let work pile up because im a teacher and im supposed to set a good example. macam paham, i like.

3. i will be awesome at my job.
whichever job i decide on once i've succeeded in fulfilling my first resolution in making decisions, i will be awesome in it. i will like my job. i will love my job. i will not want to exchange it with anything else. insyaAllah.

4. i will train hard.
because i want to be in the SEA GAMES so badly i can die. i want to bring home another medal for singapore. i want to hear the Majulah Singapura play when the national flag is being risen. that means the medal has to be of a certain colour. i will train so hard i'll be so hard to beat. insyaAllah.

5. i will learn to love and trust.
i dont know how i'll do it, but im hoping i will be able to find out how to soon and im praying so hard that when i do, i wont get hurt again. (dengar tu)

6. i will spend less and save more.
i will not buy things i dont need like Havainas slippers. i will save because i want to fulfill my dreams of travelling the world before i get married. i will save up for an awesome trip to Europe or the States after i acheive resolution #04. i will save because i want to bring my mum to places she'll love to go to, like Masjid India, to buy tudung. im kidding. i'll bring her to Spain because when I was little, we almost went to Spain but we were short of cash.

7. i will make a difference.
i am a donor for the singapore heart society but ive never actually believed in helping others by providing money because you dont really know where the money goes to. i will find other means to help the less fortunate, insyaAllah. with that i will stop giving the excuse of "TOO BUSY" to make things happen. bullshit, we're never too busy, only lousy time management. (wah, in your face, aisyah. too much self help books, i see. good! splurging $90 on books at Prologue wasnt a bad idea after all!)

bual sorang siak.

8. i will friggin clean up my room.
because it looks like this now:

its not like im proud of it but really. my bed is just a oh so tempting place to put things on eventually it becomes a storage area! and plus the gazillions of bantals i have on my bed which i dont even use when i sleep omg God save me and my bed!

(did my saham just fell by 60% by posting that photo? hahahaha!) at least im honest! thus resolution #09 is...

9. i will be honest.

no more lying to my clients about not being able to make it for training just cuz im friggin lazy, unless of cuz im really shagged and i deserve a break. but laziness doesnt apply. no more lying to my mum about where i go and who i go out with because i have REALLY BAD MEMORY and lying requires you to remember stuff you lie about. and lying is childish anyway. honesty is the best policy, yo. lesser dosa also. i want to go to Heaven.

10. i will be closer to God.

like what i wrote in FB, because with Him, i know that whatever obstacles i face, no matter how hard, will be possible. insyaAllah. :)

Amin.

2010-12-21T09:39:00.002+08:00

10 reasons why I should quit.

10. I hate the thought of waking up early to go to school instead of training.
9. I heard the school bell and cringe.
8. I stepped into the empty staff room, loving it empty.
7. I pulled out my lappy, plugged in my headphones and minded my own business, although i hear other teachers walk in and out. im a loner, i like it that way.
6. I attempted to finish up my slides but ended up searching about other non-work-related things like Rowing and Holidays and OTHER JOB OPPORTUNITIES. and this is not the first time.
5. I emailed my HOD to ask her to sign my leave for my trip to KL next week and she replied telling me that theres a staff meeting next week and I might not be able to go for the trip.

i know. i feel like crying.

4. I want to go to the Coaches Conference in UK next Jan, I want to go for the training camp in Australia in March, and I dont want to go tru the hassle of having to apply for leaves again. ever again.
3. I cant stand being rejected.
2. I know im better off as a coach, a personal trainer and as a rower. I KNOW.
1. I cant seem to tell myself to do these work. i just hate it. cant you tell?

The only thing that keeps me going is the pay. Maybe its not always about the money.
Should I take the risk of quitting?
Will I look back and regret?
Or will I be more awesome leaving?

OHMYGOD.
the decision of the year, i swear. :'(

to quit or not to quit;

2010-12-18T23:43:00.002+08:00

you know what just got me thinking.
other than the fact that after i say this im gonna go berserk cuz my workload is 0.03% complete,
i got reminded of those days back during the sea games year when i almost gave up.
when i almost hanged my oars and did what other people do which is to live, as opposed to train every single friggin day.
but i hanged on to it no matter how much i hated it.
hated every single bit of it.
and because of that, i grew stronger,
more stubborn,
more oarsome,
and because of that,
i brought home a medal.
yes, that got me thinking.
WHY QUIT TEACHING NOW.
who knows i might be good at it.
i hate it now.
every single bit of it.
from lesson plans, to applying for leaves when i need to travel overseas,
to power point slides and reading textbooks i have sworn to myself never to touch again.
but maybe next year, i might look back and tell myself,
"THANK GOD I DIDNT QUIT."
or it could turn out the total opposite,
"SHIT I SHOULD HAVE QUIT!"
damn.
i didnt think of that.
okay back to square one.
good attempt at convincing yourself, aisyah.
10 points for that.

2010-12-16T01:19:00.006+08:00

life has been so mundane that im starting to LIST things according to order of importance. okay bedek. more like what comes into my head first.

10 things. (tak habes habes dgn 10 things dier.) i realised its easier to list down things now. since ive become a teacher, lists are the new way of life. time to get organized baby. macam paham. my life's still a mess. OHMYGOD. bad role model, moe should just sack me.

10. you heard that right. MOE should just tell me,

"excuse me, ms aisyah, i think you're better of as a coach or rower or a trainer or any other occupation but not as a teacher. please leave."

will definitely make my life so much easier, i swear!

so i dont have to wreck my brain cells to decide whether i want to continue to teach or not. ugh. but NO, they gave me a hefty pay to bribe me to stay and my God. (Alhamdulillah, for that matter) the pay is SO DAMN GOOD. lol. and people around me are telling me to stay like one of my clients when she told me the other day that i should think about teaching cuz im pretty good at motivating people. but WHY DO I NOT LIKE IT I DONT EVEN KNOW. maybe i do know but im refusing to believe that they are the reasons why i dont like it cuz they are ridiculous, petty reasons.

like, the other teachers dont talk to me.

or, i hate kids. LOL.

i know right, do u feel like strangling me sometimes?

i HATE making decisions, for the love of God. WHY AM I SO FICKLE.

9. THOUGHTS OF QUITTING STILL HAUNTS ME.
ugh. since september you know. omg. im thinking of sean kingston. "She's indecisive, she cant decide." MEMANG.
if they had an award for being most indecisive person ever, i should soooo win it.
not that im proud of it or anything but REALLY. sometimes i wish i could just turn into a guy when it comes to making decisions. like how nadz went into NUM, picked up a pair of slippers and went on to pay for them without thinking whether there could be other designs which could be nicer than the pair he was holding on to in other shops, or other things in that shop that might interest him. NO. it was fast and furious. take and go. just take and go. (read: russell peters).

but then again, maybe not. thats what makes girls different. THE FACT THAT WE CANT DECIDE. love us or leave us. betul tak? chen de mah? chen de.
back to the work topic. YES OMG. i have this love/hate relationship with my job. i wish i could just quit, migrate and die alone in an island or something. ee, burok.

i should do the "which guy should i choose" method of making decisions we all used to do back in secondary school. list down the plus and minus points of teaching. and compare. but what if minus points outweigh the plus points and i end up quitting and regretting and moe will blacklist me and will never allow me to teach again when my plan B fails and i plan to go back to teaching. zomg. scary. a little help? hopeless siolz.

8. unnecessary stress, seriously.

and im supposed to prepare like 14 chapters of geog slides (woohoo!) and im at chapter 2. I KNOW RIGHT I AM SO DEAD. boo. i mean, the thought of reading the textbook makes me wanna sleep and you want me to preach these kids to love the subject? give me PE anytime and i'll make sure by the end of the yr, these kids will love running. but NO. geog > PE. UGH. people ask me why goeg. YOU DONT WANNA KNOW SEH. (actually, u might wanna know. its a funny story.

1. i took geog in A Levels, loved it, got a B for it.

2. took a geog module in uni, dint attend a single lecture, got an A for it.

3. i love clouds and rocks.)

these are the reasons why i wanted to teach geog. which obviously doesnt mean i like teaching geog, there must be a flaw in the interview sytem and recruitment criteria in moe.

BAAH.

7. BAAH reminds me of ebenezer scrooge from christmas carol and christmas is around the corner. I KNOW RIGHT. like END OF THE YEAR, ya'll. SO FAST AND FURIOUS LIKE TOKYO DRIFT!

"i wonder if we know how to live in tokyo if you see it and you mean it then you know you have to go. fast and furiousssssss tick tick tick!" (sings in an annoying high pitch voice).

and again, ive digressed and lost my train of thoughts. (and i just downloaded the tokyo drift ringtone into my iphone)

6. I AM AN IPHONE USER, ya'll. i have finally succummed to Apple's evil plan to take over the world but the iphone is so handy i dont know how i lived without it before i got it! okay bedek. too much, aisyah. its alright lah i guess. my free 12G never seemed to finish until i was so worried it was a once off offer i called starhub to ask whether its 12G every month of truout my 2 years contract with them. LOL. stupido.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT TRU TO GET MY HANDS ON THIS GADGET. 2 hours of queuing up, getting into a small squabble with a random stranger-cum-loserface, losingmy virginity of shouting at a stranger in public. MY GOD. the drama.

and i think i spent like close to $10 on apps i hardly use. (latest app bought: spongebob diner dash.) MAMPOS.

im gonna try to make MOE pay for my iphone. i mean, im gonna use google maps, GPS, and share with my kids. educational, no?

5. OH HAVE YOU TRIED THE NEW CHEESE AND CARAMEL POPCORN AT CITY LINK MALL? omg. SEDAPNAKMAMPOS pls. go try it.

nadz visited my blog on my iphone while we were queueing up for popcorn yesterday and it made me wonder whether people actually do read what shit i have to offer for the world on this blog although 99% of the time its nonsense and doesnt bring any form of benefit at all to any individual, i swear. i mean, who in the right mind would want to read about this 22 year old female being who probably has one of the most unexciting lives in the universe, right? :(

4. AM I THAT BORING? :(
to think about it, in the 22 years of my life, ive been tru so much, my goodness! grew up without a dad around, well he's around but i dont stay with him, and i actually didnt grow up to be rebellious, smoking, partying the night away, piercing my nose like a lembu, and deserve to be depicted in Anak Metropolitan V5.0 or something. hooray to my good choices of friends i actually turned out to be a pretty innocent person, yeah? been tru the best times in life like representing the nation, bringing home a medal, falling in love. in the other hand, went tru the worstttt times in life too like feeling like dying when i fell out of love, got cheated, cheated on others and felt like i deserve to just eat worms and die, grew fat, stopped rowing for a friggin yr, tore my ACL (OMG THIS TOPS THE LIST OF WORST THING TO HAPPEN IN MY LIFE). you see, my life's not that boring, it seems. YAY TO AISYAH.

that reminds me. let me recall.

having been mistaken as a sri lankan twice, burmese twice, "not from around here" many times, from saudi arabia once (i know right). never what my blood's made of: malay and chinese. my life (and face, for that matter) is pretty interesting, it seems. :)

3. TALKING ABOUT MY KNEE, OMG.
if choosing the wrong sport was a sin, tearing an ACL would be the ultimate punishment that God would never forgive and it would be irreversible. OMG. 26the dec 2008. almost 2 years have passed since that very day rasheilla kicked my knee and i screamed like the world's gonna collapse on me. 27th feb 2009. a yr and a half since i said hello to my new ligament which hasnt been behaving like how its supposed to. its affecting my trainings, i cant run anymore, it hurts to play soccer. basically, im doomed, my dreams are crushed. WAH SO PEESIMISTIC. boo!
it just wont friggin recuperate. and the most annoying thing is that noone knows why. :(

2. okay look on the bright side. ummm.
lemme think of something nice to say to myself.
at least i still have 2 awesome looking imbalance legs where the right calf is smaller than the left! woohoo. all i want for chirstmas, is for my knee to get muchos better. can? :(

christmas reminds me of Love Actually, you know that scene when mark expressed his love to juliet. OMG MOST ROMANTIC SCENE EVER PLEASE I'LL JUST MELT AND DIE. dah, cukup.

1. talking about love.

when it comes to love, age is just a number. lets go prove people wrong baby. and like they say,

"sometimes you gotta quit thinking so much. if it feels right, it probably is.

so just go with it."

2010-12-02T13:57:00.002+08:00

10 things.

1. Down with migraine and lousy cramps. Googled them and got : Menstrual Migraine.
PMS. check.
nausea. check.
bloatedness. check.
late onset of period. check.
feeling like a total shit. check.
vomitting my breakfast, lunch and dinner last night. check.
letting the world know that im having menstrual migraine. check.

2. waking up at 11.30am feeling grogggggyyyyyyyy. sucks.
i hate wasting my mornings.

3. having 1,000,000 things to do but spent the last 3 hours lying on bed telling myself that im sick and its okay not to be doing work and i will do it tomorrow or the next day when i feel better, knowing that the next few days i will be so packed with activities i know i wont have time to do but im just lying to myself that i will get work done then.
in other word: to PROCRASTINATE.

4. wondering whether the guy you love loves you back the same way u love them. feeling feeling 18 again. (must be the stupid PMS. ugh.)

5. having this immense need to WHINE MY HEART, LUNGS, THROAT, GUTS OUT to someone.

6. replying text messages with ":(" just cuz you dont know what to say and you just feel that way :(

7. :(

8. cant even think of 10 things to spill. the migraine virus must have eaten up 3,486,293 of my brain cells.

9. i want to train but i shall stop being stubborn once in a while and REST. or should i train? no. rest. but i need to sweat it out. NO REST. TRAIN. REST.
UGH. i hate being sick :(

10. telling myself that i should just stop feeling sad and be awesome instead.
the lies you try to tell yourself.

Dad.

2010-08-28T20:43:00.000+08:00

sometimes, i envy those people who come home to their dad's arms. i dont get such privilege since i was 5. my dad's still here, but he has another family to take care of. He was hardly there for me when it comes to the unforgettable moments in my life. he wasnt there to send me off to my first ever Sea Games, neither was he there on my second games, he wasnt there for me when i first got my heart broken, he didnt see how much i suffered after my knee surgery, he didnt celebrate my 21st birthday with me, and recently, he didn't attend my graduation ceremony. i know he would if he could.
but I'm always, always, always thankful everytime i get to see my dad, hold his hand, hug him, and reply to his "I miss you" and "I love you" SMSes because I know he'll always be in my heart and i'm always in his.

sometimes, u just know.

i love you, dad.

10 ways.

2010-08-28T12:33:00.005+08:00

how to tell if you're having a good day:

1. you rowed 16km on water and not feeling as though you're gonna die.

water need not be super flat. wavey waters are fine. add to the challenge. ups your balance.
presence of winds are perfectly okay. windless days are mood killers.

2. stepped on the weighing scale and smiling to yourself, knowing that hard work has finally showed some results.

3a. having absolutely no work for the rest of the day.
3b.which translates to being able to finally change your blog skin which hasnt been done so for the longest time.
3c. which also translates to being able to take long afternoon naps stretching up to 3-5hrs.

4. being able to set the alarm clock and press the snooze button at any number of times, without worrying about being late for anything.

5. waking up looking forward to a cool, refreshing shower.

6. waking up to whats cooking in the kitchen. (provided mum's at home and she's not cooking fish/sotong/prawns/gross seafood)

7. walking to the grocery store to buy cartons (note: cartonssssssss!!) of drinks.
because you are damn thirsty, you wished your lips had leftover juice from yesterday you constantly lick them.

8. having the mood to bake, which comes only once in a bluemoon.
(downturn: but having no moolahs to buy the ingredients. and having no maid to wash the utensils for you)

9. breaking fast with the family.

and 10. saw the face of the one you love. :)

amin.

14km.

2010-08-26T00:05:00.003+08:00

my WEDNESDAY went like this:
7am-9ish am: rowed 14km with shaun
11am-4pm: reached home and slept like a pig for 5 hrs
6pm-9pm: met up with dilz, yatay and sha for buka @ 18chefs
10pm-now: home

no work day = SLEEPING day = awesome :)
i dont usually take afternoon naps but today's nap should be banned from being called a nap.

nap;

verb (used without object)
1. to sleep for a short time; doze.

5 hours is definitely not a short time. but nap or nappy or not, SLEEP IS GOOD.
but NOT with contacts on. NO.
i know. when i plonked myself on bed i was like, "ok 5mins and i'll go take out my contacts and wash my face." 5 mins became 5 hours.
i woke up with a red eye and 2 pimples. woohoo.
im amazed at my ability to sleep anywhere everywhere anytime all-the-time.
i can sleep for 12 hours, like how i did after YOG was over. and still slept well at night.
i used to sleep here, there, everywhere so much so that my ex-coach gave me a name: sheba. i dont know what it means but i would have guessed it means lazy-ass-rower-who-won-a-bronze-medal in bitchy-coach language. probably.

today's row was OARsome. (i love that word: OARsome)
i felt as though i was on REDBULL or smtg but i havent touched any caffeineted drinks since eons ago (i know caffeineted is spelt wrongly but i dont bother checking it up, really) OMG IM GONNA BECOME A TEACHER, but PE teachers dont need to know how to spell, do they?

YES. ROW. yes, 16km. weather was superb. although the last few laps the waves were oddly CRAZY. like really. but i love love love it. it felt so good. i dont know what motivated me to row so good that morning, but it just felt OARSOME. woohoo. fave word.

i know i was supposed to row 18km (coach says it'll be my new fave number). but the other rowers were already leaving the water, i dont wanna get left behind. im worried the loch ness monster under the murky waters of pandan reservoir might eat me up. u never know. pandan has the WEIRDESTTTT creatures in the world.

oh talking about creatures,
there was a spider on my boat today, which i only realised when i was on water. the spider went for a joy ride with me. woohoo.

and while i was showering i heard a loud SPLAT. like seriously it sounded like how its written:

SPLAT.

and on the floor, a few inches from where my slippers were, there was a tail-less lizard. it was huge, fat and like almost black. SO GROSS pls. it has obviously died because a few seconds later, there were ants crowding around it feasting on the stupid dead lizard. i think it fell from the fan. ew.

last weekend, while doing stretches on the benches in the toilet (on a mat), i removed the mat and saw a splattered dead spider. oops. HAHAHA.

---

meeting up with the girls was fun, as usual. bulan puasa pun gossip tak maintain, serious. TSK. us VS tudung girls. omg, when will we ever insaf and wear one.

and recently, i feel so loved by my friends. they totally understand me.

dilz: "aisyah, we vote u to plan our hari raya outing."

aisyah: "why me?"

all: "cuz youre the free-est."

wow, the convenience of assumptions. with 6 days a week of trng, 3 schools to coach for netball and 5 clients. im the free-est. wow. i love my friends.
and for the upcoming iftar with the guys:

aisyah: "we have to book first."

wafi:"thank you aisyah."

fazli: "yes, thank you aisyah."

thank you friends.

2010-08-23T21:43:00.003+08:00

i feel like im just going through this phase of the fasting month. the only thing that differs what ive gone through for the past 2 weeks from the other weeks that ive been through is the fact that i get REALLY thirsty, hungry like all the time and fell REALLY tired and weak throughout the whole day. there must be more to fasting than just feeling awful, right?

mum wakes us up for sahur at 4:45am everyday. most of the time i dont remember what i eat for sahur. whatever is served on the dining table goes into the stomach. i miss having to fight for space at the dining table. there used to be 7 of us vying for a table of 6. now theres only 5 left. but only 3-4 will be sitting together to eat. abg al would probably be sleeping still or on his xbox or refusing to sahur just cuz man u lost. abg dani would be in front of his computer screen, for the past 100 yrs or so. my mum's husband (who is obviously not my dad if not i would have already referred to him as dad) doesnt talk to us. sometimes, i feel that they're just housemates. i hardly speak to my own brothers even other than being called fat at random times by them or commenting that they're growing a tummy or like yesterday was one of those random sibling moments when we watched the spore-haiti match on tv together (more on that later). i dont feel like a family unit anymore. its sad, really. i hate growing up. sometimes, i have to admit i miss quarrelling with my brothers. at least we're communicating, albeit loudly or violently. now each of us are leading our own private lives where friends are placed at a higher priority than yr blood sister/brothers. the least we can do now as a family is to go out for family dinners. dont put up yr hopes high on seeing my siblings and i having a picnic at the beach with our mum or kiteflying at marina barrage. it would be just WEIRD.

havent been training much during the fasting month bcuz of the yog but boy, whenever i hit the waters, i feel like i dont have any energy left to do anything for the rest of the day. it sucks, really. that awful weak lousy feeling esp in the afternoons, esp when the sun is scorching hot. yr throat starts to dry up, yr lips start to crack, yr limbs refuse to obey ur commands they go haywire and yr head feels as thought they weigh a ton. i know all these symptoms make me sound like a loozer, but it had been really, really tough. but so far, Alhamdullilah ive managed to survive a few days of training, work and fasting altogether and its down to another 2 weeks or so. and the hardest part of all this is doing it alone. people may pity you or look up to how strong or determined or enduring and persevering you are, but they will never truly know what it feels like to train at 7am in the morning and having to live through the day till you get the next sip of water at 7pm. i guess fasting makes you stronger mentally. insyaAllah it will.

oh and yeah, yog for rowing is like overrrrrrr. i know. time flies. but the period was pretty hectic for the NTOs. i had to leave home at 530am to catch the early (probably the first) train to kallang and making sure not to miss the shuttle bus to marina. coming later than 7am would put u in nic's bad books. so it has been pretty normal not to sleep after sahur. tiring, definitely. but the most disappointing/disgusting thing that i saw at marina was the bunch of malay/muslim volunteers whom conveniently decided that they would not be fasting and ate in the eyes of many. not that it matters to me if they'll be punished by God but its such utter disrecpect to the holy month of Ramadhan. who am i to tell them that they are wrong. i know i myself isnt treating the month at its best but still, i still adhere to basic respect. seriously. what has the world come into?

the singapore juniors did pretty okay. i dont know how they feel, really. dint talk to them much. they were busy with their stuff, i was busy with mine. my role as an NTO at the finish tower was exciting. the FISA council member will announce to the room the winners of the races and i have to report them to the umpire boat at the finish line to guide the winner to the media pontoon to be interviewed. exciting, i tell you. met the official timekeeper guys from Omega who were really friendly and funny. one of them has a daughter who's 14 and almost as tall as me and bigger than me and the best thing he said was that im small for a rower. i know right. judging from our (Asian) sizes and that of the ang mohs, how are we ever gonna be on par with them in rowing when height really does matter? sigh.

YOG not only took coach away from our regular trng sessions, it took nadz away too. he has been staying at the village since forever, and i havent seen his face since the last day of the races. best thing is that he hasnt been texting much, i assume he's too caught up with the bustling activities at YOV. drew said i should give him some time and space. so is not texting the entire day giving him all the time and space that he might need?
sometimes, im too tired to even bother. really. why make someone a priority when he only makes you an option. i refuse to get hurt this way. the more i care, the more i get hurt. so i should care less, really.

oh and how can i not mention the match between the singapore cubs and the oscar-winning haiti actors-cum-footballers last night. im never really a fan of singapore football, blame the s-league for that. but yesterday i was hoping really hard the cubs get into the final cuz i heard they were awesome and i saw them play and they were pretty good. but too much attention, media and pressure put them in an over-confident, big-headed position. thus tragic fell upon them last night. but i was so so so omg super frustrated at the way the haitians played after they scored the first goal. they're time wasting techniques were so ridiculously annoying it was really an eye sore to watch how each and every one of them fell and clutched a part of their body and rolled on the turf as though it was an ACL tear (cuz an ACL tear is the most painful thing tt could happen, trust me). DRAMA MAMA HABIS. seriously. even mum was pissed. i would have applauded them for good play if they dint had added in the oscar-winning acting. really.

okay, i promise myself not to sleep beyond 12 am every night. ive been having these awful block nose one minute and runny nose the next minute sickness it annoys the shit out of me. and the fact that theres rowing tmr morning and i cant sleep aft sahur. boo.

work's gonna start pretty soon i hope i get a school with a super understanding principal. insyaAllah. i dont know if im looking forward to work at all. but im sooooo not looking forward to tell people drg hari raya visitd that im gonna start teaching. cuz that would mean that i wouldnt receive any green packets. and it would be waaay too early for that to happen. CANNOT.

okay, the flu meds starting to take effect. ARGH. bye.

2010-08-09T23:23:00.003+08:00

ugh. i cant stand horrible organisation skills.
and assumptions that people around you know everything.
our lives dont revolve around you, you know.
am i the only one who feels this way?
seriously.
noone makes aisyah pissed on a monday night. not monday, please. :(

1. i dont know my role during yog. yeah push me here and there. tell me if im not needed, i would have helped out with the CEP team where i know my efforts would be much appreciated.
2. you dont support my training. i bet you dont even know if i come down for trng or not. i could go broke from the 238509243 cabs i have to take to the trng cntr and never come for trng any more for the rest of my life and you wouldnt even realise i was gone.
3. you send out an email assuming that everyone understands yr excel spreadsheet.
4. you send out an email NOT stating that we're supposed to report at this place at this time and hoping that we could figure that out by ourselves.
5. and you dint tell us what uniform we were supposed to wear. is it the m size uniform that you took for me insisting that its the right fit for me. or could we wear anything we want?
6. so where am i supposed to go now what do i do now.
(a) i have trng, which i am so not looking forward to but i know i have to go for. because if i dont go:
(i) coach will slit my throat.
(ii) i'd be kicked out of the team.
(iii) i dont deserved to be called a national rower.
and i want none of these.
(b) i have work, which i'd rather go to even tho the people i work with can be bitchy, because i get paid and with the money i am able to top up my ezlink card and pay for cab fares so tt i can train every morning.
(c) i have to go to marina, where i dont even know if im supposed to be there in the first place and it'll make me really, really, oh my god, really pissed if i were to spend my time there doing absolutely nothing at all.

and nothing you do helps me make my decision.
ugh.
reason #01 why i left you for a yr and a half.

PISSED. OFF.

my client expressed her concern today abt my trainings and the approaching fasting month. she said that i shouldnt train too much, id get dehydrated and its really bad for my health. sweet of her to say such things but i wish i could do that. i wished it was that simple.

im left with $xx in my bank. so pathetic, i'd cry. 90% of my money went to topping up almost everyday and cabbing to training cntr, work, back, forth. the pain. UGH.

and sometimes i wonder if im the only rower/athlete/sportsperson/whatever you call these grps of ppl who are not interested in stuff like other athletes, record timings, these and thats of the sports, other than being passionate about the sport itself. i love rowing, i really do. i cant imagine myself without it. (ok, bedek. actually, i can. aisyah without rowing is aisyah a yr back- a 173cm blob of fat. ew.) yeah, as much as i love rowing and i'd marry my boat and oars, i dont visit the rowing website often, i dont go gaga over other rowers, i dont read about rowing, not news, not competitions unless they're held ard the region. they just dont interest me. and i wonder if that makes me less of an athlete, moreover less of a rower. :(

and most of the times i wonder if all these effort and hard work are worth it.

yes, i do wonder alot.

im tired. its 11:50pm and i should be sleeping. im gonna have to row with my favourite teammate tmr. im so excited im gonna die. im so looking forward to training.
ugh.

dear God, if there's one thing i wish for right now, i wish i wont ever, ever lose motivation to row. InsyaAllah.

2010-07-27T21:15:00.003+08:00

world war 3 just ended in my house.
AISYAH vs MUM. epic battle.
weapons of mass destruction: MOUTH, and whatever that comes out of it.
and like in any war,
there are no winners, only losers.
chey.
OMG.
its been a long time since i quarrelled with my mum.
ok bedek. i quarrel with her like almost every other day when we're both at home.
but today's quarrel-o-meter hit 9/10!
and it had to be the day i came home early.
the irony of life.
you come home early, hoping to bask in the atmosphere evening sunlight,
hoping that your mum will come home from work, giving you a pat on the back and say:
"IM PROUD OF YOU, DAUGHTER. YOU'RE HOME EARLY TODAY."
but all i got was a full 5mins of screamings and naggings which were directed at me from outside my locked bedroom door. but i couldnt (more of didnt want to) hear cuz i was shutting my ears.
yah, truout the 5mins i couldnt hear a thing. i could make out words like "derhaka", "jantan" and what nots. I KNOW RIGHT. i told you it was THAT intense.
i dont mean to be rude but seriously.
living with her for 22 years,
i can safely conclude that she ENJOYS finding flaws in my actions and behaviours.
aiyah, u say,
its a mum thing.
yeah, i guess youre right.
its like their JOB to carik pasal with you.
so my brothers who were hardly at home were at home when the war happened.
one of them got pissed so he made me and mum sit and talk,
after much persuasion that i get out of the room.
one of the issues mum laid out was: rowing.
i dont know how rowing got into the picture but it did! she's not happy that i can wake up at 5am every morning to row but cant do shit for the household. i know right. i mean, okay arguement accepted. i admit i dont do housework, im hardly at home, but you dont put rowing in the picture. its just, wrong.
if only she knew how awesome i am on water.
but she doesnt.
she'll never understand.
(i know, sad right?)
haiya.
she needs to watch 3 idiots.
if you havent watched it yet.
YOURE MISSING OUT ALOT, man.
3 idiots taught me one important lesson in life:
do what you love, not what people tell you to do.

thus,
i refuse to do housework.

OKAY RUDE SEH.
kidding.
i'll do it.
soon.
really.
promise.
hari raya's coming btw.
means i gotta clean the house soon anyway.
boo :(

any latest updatessss.
1. rowing's been awesome. blisters come and go. they say pain makes you stronger. mum has been nagging incessantly abt my busy rowing schedule cuz she derives satisfaction from doing it. im sorry mum but nothing's gonna stop me from doing what i love.
2. my hamstring's being such an ass at the moment. tight here tight there. from all the cycling in perth. conclusion: cycling is just NOT my thing. PUT THAT IN YR HEAD, aisyah.
3. YOG's on its way, round the corner and somebody's gonna kick some rowers ass on water! i've always believed that winning IS everything but in the olympics, its not. being part of it is already THAT awesome (right, nadz?) :)
4. im currently superbly annoyed at the efficiency of MOE/NIE, whichever. maybe both. firstly they said im gonna go nie in the next intake. now they're telling me i'll be sent to school to teach. and i wrote them an email and they've been forwarding to this division and that sector, blah blah, but no replies. SERIOUSLY. i almost gave up on them seh. but to think of it. I WANNA INSPIRE PEOPLE, yo. (thanks fazli)
5. days now are packed with trng, clients, schools. trying to find time for housework. its not that i refuse to do housework, u see. u wouldnt understand.
HAHAHA.

ok past my bedtime.
tata.

oh and 6. for the first time in 283105 yrs, im feeling flu-ish. :( ugh.

2010-05-31T13:12:00.002+08:00

omgomgomg.
this is so stressful.
got myself in such trouble.
i feel like slitting my wrist.

i feel so stupid.
i woke up this morning from the vibrations of my phone.
nus smsed me my results for my final yr exam.
omg.
i dont know whether to be sad cuz its friggin bad.
or whether to be happy cuz its my last results from nus, ever.

i feel so so stupid.
signed up as a coach in this particular school.
thinking that i have all the time in the world to make this school win the zonals.
then rowing started, yog's around the corner, nie's gonna start soon.
(YES. NIE)
i dont know if i can commit.
and i just cant bring myself to tell them i cant commit.
papers have been signed. they know my face.
what if they see me alg the streets next time and spit at my face. :(
and i spent like an hr, crying about it.
im such a wreck.

havent been going for silat,
not even to support them.
but bedok is just way. too. far.
but thats just an excuse.
but its true.
ugh.
sometimes i cant stand my own fickleness.
its amazing ive survived 22 yrs living with myself.

the futsal comp's ard the corner.
go futsal can, go silat cannot.
ive learnt things the hard way in life:
you cant make everyone in the world happy.
true that.

im feeling so suicidal.
which path should i choose?
pills? slashing? building?
HAHAHA.
omg, im scaring myself.
blisters on my hands already make me cry.
and so does false alarms twisted ankle during soccer trng.
and im thinking abt killing myself.
i must be kidding.

is this scaring you?
dont worry. im still sane.
i love myself too much to commit suicide.
i'd rather die rowing for the nation then dying over stupid things.

ok STOP IT WITH THIS SUICIDE SHIT.
crazy woman.

and rowing.
training has been pretty tough recently,
and just as intensity has started to pick up,
coach wants to taper it down.
wow.
i wonder how im gonna survive that 2k.
and my blisters. ugh.
i cried in the boat yest bcuz they friggin hurt.
33 and counting.

i watched shrek 4 and cried.

WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
my tear ducts have no control over themselves.

when i row hard,
i feel like dying,
but i know coach wont let me die.
so that makes me row even harder.

i dont know if im as mentally strong as before.
i'll know, soon enough.

sometimes i wish i lead a normal life.
having a normal job.
regular pay.
no fuss, hassle-free.
no training.
no feeling tired after trng.
no competition to train for.
long term goal is to earn money
and build a happy family.

but most of the time,
im thankful i dont lead a normal life.

i think my life is awesome. :)

post exams

2010-05-10T23:40:00.004+08:00

the 22 blisters on my hands will always remind me to STOP BEING FRIGGIN FICKLE AND MAKE UP MY MIND WHAT SPORTS I WANT TO DO CUZ IF I DONT WANT TO ROW THEN THERES SRSLY NO PT HAVING THESE THINGS ON MY HANDS WHICH REALLY HURT. :(

1. rowing
2. s******
3. netball
4. silat
5. soccer

or maybe, mom's right. its best that a 22 yr old girl like me sit at home and clean the house.
i hate growing old.
growing old means u have wisdom teeth growing and they hurt :(
growing old means whatever decision you make makes a whole lot of difference to yr life. :(
growing old means you gotta be a grown up. i hate doing grown up things. :(
sulk sulk sulk.

its mid may ALREADY. time flies.
training has been crazy painful with the stamina still hovering at NIL, blisters which never stop appearing making my hands look like a world map, getting TANNED (which is actually smtg ive been looking forward to), waking up at 5am almost every morning, getting these really nice and defined muscles. hahaha the list goes on yo. all in all, I AM BACK ON WATER. but its a sucky feeling knowing that u were once really good at this shit but now u totally suck at it :( i cant wait to back on form. CANT WAIT. but time waits for no man. what more a girl. life sucks. haha. emo ke per. later i pierce my lips and wear eyeliner and black lipstick than you know.
abeh kan i got my heart rate checked recently and it was 80bpm sia. WAHLAO. i used to be 52bpm. :(:(:(

okay what else. my back and shoulders are giving me hell. ARGH SIGNS OF AGING. shut up, aisyah.

silat competition at the end of may.
soccer competition early june.
rowing competition mid june.

im sooo back to being who i was. :) alhamdullilah.
knee's getting muchos better.

one thing i want to so is learn to do is to trust and love again. hmm.
the second is to colour my hair red.
okay kidding, maybe blond.
i dont know.
my bro says i should stop colouring my natural blond hair.
aww he's so sweet aint he?
talking about brothers.
today, i met the RUDEST taxi driver in the whole world. i swear.
so there were 3 guys and me in the cab. so i had to sit at the passengers seat in front. and i had to move back the chair cuz i was carrying whole lot of shit in my bag and my knees were pressing agst the whatever-u-call-tt-board-in-front-of-the-car. then u know what that kurang ajar taxi driver said when i asked my bro sitting right behind me if it was okay if i were to push my chair back? he barged into our convo and said, "her legs not that long lah, she just wants to straighten her legs. u want me to get measuring tape, measure ur legs. not so long also." i was like omg. wtf. rude nak mampos kan. like who gave u the right to say those things to me! omg. muker nak kene sepak, srsly.

it has nothing to do with "talking bout brothers" but i thought i would like to share the story abt kurangajar taxi drivers.

ugh.
anyway, we played soccer today and IT FELT SO GOOD.

okay dah.
im tired. theres a 12 hrs (its 12 hrs i heard!) adventure race tmr where we gotta wear long pants which are like my most fave pair of wadrobe item to wear! loving it.

oh and final exams in nus are over which means that im outta here! :D

2010-03-04T02:06:00.002+08:00

life is ironic.
just a few minutes ago, someone told me this:

"u have this ability to piss pple off without u knowing.
and it's not just me saying that.
so something is really wrong somewhere.
if i could pin point it out to you i would.
but i cant
so may God help u find that out yea?
:)"

and it makes you wonder what is the purpose of someone telling you things like that. is it supposed to be beneficial to me? is it meant to cause hurt? so who now has the ability to piss ppl off unconsciously? me, or you?

2010-02-09T22:58:00.002+08:00

today, positive psychology class felt more like a marriage class. we learnt about the dos and donts of relationships and marriages. we learnt how to communicate well with our spouses, how to establish a relationship that lasts, and how to be a good partner. and i was thinking, thinking, thinking. according to these theories, i SUCK as a gf. i wont go into details how much i fall into the YOU SUCK AS A GF category cuz its really saddening when i thought i was doing my best to be a good gf. its either not enuf or not good enuf. all i know is that theres lots to improve on. maybe, things really happen for a reason. lets just keep it that way. may Allah show us the right path. insyaAllah. :)

2010-02-09T00:41:00.002+08:00

i dont know what kind of heart God gave you. you were nice to me when you wanted me, when u wanted me to stay, to wait for you. now that you dont, you talk to me like as though i never mattered. you tell me you've been busy, you're stressed, you've got all these sorts of problems but that doesnt mean that you deserve all the right to talk to me that way. youre not the only stressed person here. everyone has their own shitpile of work. its how you take matters into hand. its the same shit i hear year by year. ive been trying my best here not to hate you because its not in my nature to hate. and i deserve all the rights in the world to hate you because of the things you did to me. but i dont hate you. to me, it is an inevitable fact that u were once mine, i dont have the heart to treat you like sampah. but thats how i feel right now. i dont understand why you have to treat me like that. if i had a heart like yours, the world would already have known what you did and do you think you'll have the comfort of your home still? if i had a heart like yours, i'd rather die than living with such a black black heart. and by me mentioning this, you'll say im spiting you and in ur exact words "im used to it already. everytime i talk to you i get spited." i see. everytime huh. im setan what. everytime i spite you.
its not like i want you back. especially now that i know what kind of person you really are. i never wanted you back since i knew that i spent two yrs being hopeful for a guy who wouldnt stand up for me. i wont ever want to be with a guy who treats his ex like some i dont know- disease? i dont even know why i bother talking to you sometimes. i realised life's way better without you. i dont cry at night anymore. i dont have to wonder what you're up to. i dont have to be apprehensive about trusting u anymore. maybe because its the friendship i want to salvage. but if even talking to you as a friend got rude responses from you. then i might as well not. dont wanna go on hurting myself.
i wish good luck to whoever you meet next.
may she not be hurt by you,
and your black heart.
ustaz said its never too late to cleanse yr heart.
i never did say i had a pure, clean heart.
but what i do know is that i never treat my exes like shit.
i respect them for who they are or once were.
and i treat them like friends.
not like some bangkai you'd rather piss on.

2010-01-17T15:05:00.002+08:00

gaah. first week of school is over.
1. school is being nice now. not much work, yet. readings have been as usual, crazy. it is confirmed that i am the only yr 3 in my lvl 4 class. and it is true that theres an essay every week. i have been studying during my free periods alone. (i know right). and i was actually paying attn in einstein's class- something on relativity. i dont understand shit but i remember not falling asleep. to me, its an achievement. it doesnt matter how slow you go, as long as you dont stop, remember? right.
2. ive been running with syahir around woodlands. i still havent gotten used to it, yet. back to square one. i wonder if i can ever do an 11mins 2.4km again or run for 10k without feeling pain or feeling like shit. syahir said i was slow. that idiot, but i'll sure be sad when he leaves for ns. running buddy, anyone?
3. everyone's gonna leave. i hate everyone who's leaving or who has left or who's supposed to graduate with me but is not going to and now i have to find ppl to throw my graduation hats with :(

ugh.

4. i sparred during silat trng for the first time since my fall last yr. its been a yr already, time really flies, MasyaAllah. fighting was addictive. but the aftermath was awful. my ankle's swollen, my arm and finger are badly bruised. when i showed my mum, she gave the funniest comments: "WHY UNTIL LIKE THAT? KAN SAKIT." then she pressed her finger on the bruise. "Im going to talk to your coach".
5. went for alia's halal party last night at aloha loyang. takder lagi jauh, i know. the tjunx had a gathering, it was fun. a bit, umm, odd. other than we feeling very underdressed and left out, i had to pretend it was OKAY when i had to see his face. but other than that. "good job" to us we put a smile on fairuz's face. we saw birdman. alia had a time of her life turning a yr older. and yeah, i took 2 hours to reach home. i dont want to talk about that.
6. sometimes, coaching netball to kids make you want to scream your head off, but most of the time, no matter how annoying they are, they definitely do make me smile. :)
7. brooding period's definitely over but theres still some hurt and pain here and there. like they say, time will heal, and im just waiting to be fully recovered. but meanwhile, i think i should get up on my ass and start moving on. MOVING ON is a bitch, but i dont wanna be a loser, going after a guy who wont even stand up for me. sometimes u wonder whether they really did love u as much as you thought they did. but sometimes, the best thing to do is just not to think about it. like when you initiate a convo with ur ex and he's being very curt and hostile and cold (and he tells you that its for the better and you stupidly nod in agreement), might as well not bother initiating the convo in the first place and get spared from getting hurt, right?
oh well.

cheers, to a better week ahead, insyaAllah.

2010-01-13T14:24:00.002+08:00

hey

its only the third day of school and my energy level's hovering at zilch.
my last sem- did my last module bidding, filed for graduation, converted my module and lets just hope everything goes well enuf, I'll be graduating in 4 months. InsyaAllah. I cant wait, cant u tell?
yay?
i know. im still in this stupid annoying mood.
and i dont even know what im feeling anymore- tired? angry? sad? depressed? bodoh?
ugh.
okay monday first day of school went pretty okay. 8am class. yeah, tell me abt it. after that i had a looong break (i refused to count how long it was until yatay was like "Aisyah you have a 6hr break?" and i was like "omg. 6 hourssss!") yup. so i went for hot yoga alone, went back to school, ate lunch with yatay, talk talk talk and we realised that we're gd at giving each other advices but when it comes to our own problems, we're hopeless i tell you. went to next class alone (some einstein weirdness shit which almost made me fall asleep.) that was 4-5ish then i went home and went to run with syahir for like 50mins, covered like 7.15km. which was really rejuvenating, Alhamdullilah. and that was my monday.
on tuesday i had class from 12pm-9pm. with a 2 hr break in between, thats when i visited the dean's office to file for my graduation and thats where i met the rude receptionist but i was too tired to like fluster over such a person not worth my energy so i let her be rude, took a seat, and waited, just to submit 2 pieces of paper and leave. i think im seriously not an afternoon person. falling asleep in drugs and society class (just cuz i was alone) but was wide awake during adol psych (maybe cuz amir was sitting next to me and we were in 2nd row). finally got friend in class. yeah. am i that pathetic? ugh.
anyway 6-9pm seminar, lvl 4 mod- positive psychology. which was pretty scary at first cuz i was the only yr 3 amidst the honours students and even yr 5s! i know right. but i made a friend cuz we had to introduce to each other, but she was pretty nice. and class wasnt so bad. but the lecturer was pointing out to us the workload which includes an essay a week for 10 weeks. haha. oh well. its not everyday u get to take a lvl4 psych mod when ure in yr3 u know? yelah.
and today i woke up at 5am in the morning, left home at 6am, took 168 at 6:15am, reached tampines at 7am, reached yumin priamry at 7:15am. on time okay. im proud of myself. netball coaching went good. i think i was born to do this shit. haha. then i went for rehab where i told steve not to torture me cuz i want to walk for the next few days cuz last week he made me do 300 leg presses and dontknowhowmany walking lunges and i swear even sitting was torture for a week. i told steve abt my suffering and he said "thats what i call a good trng". okaylah, as long as u are hepi.
and one of the trainer asked me just now, "so have you thought abt which sport you want to join?" sigh.

no.

OMG, i actually recalled every single thing in my life, whats wrong with me. everything. i used to tell every single thing to him, but now he's gone so can you please shut up and move on, thank you. :(

i have to agree with everyone, i suck at moving on. im an emotional wreck, a loser, stubborn ass. ugh. aper ni maki hamun diri sendiri. haha. now im schizo. and i realised i have absolutely no account of how i got over my other exes. so i dont know how i used to do it, but right now, i tell you, its painful-to let go. like a big piece of hard shit thats stuck in ur rectum and it hurts like hell to let it go- yah, like that.

but today i went to ljs to buy lunch which i ate at home alone. (am i using too much "alone"?) and when i got home i got free potato-skin chips some mat working in the ljs kitchen must have put in for me, or some girl (who likes girls) could have done it, i wont be surprised. or maybe they accidently put it in, but whatever it is it made my day-a little, i think.
and in a bit, im gonna leave for another netball session until like 6 plus and after that to pandan where there'll be a rowing meeting. uhhuh, my day's not even half done and im so tired, i was sleeping like a log in the train just now. :(
and i seriously have to get out of this mood before i die. they say time will heal but time is moving so friggin slow when it comes to this. sigh.

sometimes i wonder whats he doing, how his day has been going, what work he has to do, whether he misses me or not. and there's nothing else to look forward to at the end of my days, other than doing work at home. GAAAAAH.
okay, i shall stop i shall stop i shall stop.

but how long more do i have to pretend that everything is okay,
when its not?

i just want to get over this, please God, please help me. :(

dah, bye.

2010-01-12T01:39:00.000+08:00

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile
when I thought that I was strong,
but you touch me for a little while
and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me...
And all over me.

I live here on my knees as I
try to make you see that you're everything
I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though
I can't seem to let you go.

The one thing that I still know
is that you're keeping me down.

-Sara Bareilles

2010-01-03T01:29:00.002+08:00

its more than a week now.
and im still crying.
i cant believe how weak i am,
MasyaAllah.
why am i doing this to myself?

sometimes, i'll tell myself that everythings gonna be okay and i shouldnt cry cuz its really not worth it,
but most of the time, it hurts too much :(

God, please save me.

2010-01-02T00:15:00.001+08:00

Rocky said to his son:
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place... and I don´t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently, if you let it. You, me or nobody, is gonna hit as hard as life. But ain't about how hard you hit... It's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That´s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you worth, go out and get what you worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying: You ain´t what you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain´t you! You´re better than that!"

Im never a fan of boxing or Rocky, but that's one hell of a quote. ;)

2010-01-01T13:14:00.001+08:00

i hate mornings,
bcuz u used to be the first person i think about when i open my eyes.

new yr resolution

2010-01-01T02:03:00.002+08:00

and in 2010,

i cant wait to get so lost in God,
cuz they say "women should be so lost in God that men have to seek Him in order to find her", deep. :)

2009

2009-12-31T19:35:00.003+08:00

like what else do u do at the end of the yr right?

2009 has been a crazy yr.

new yrs are like exams.
steve says, let 2009 pass and go.
yeah, like exams, they come and go, sometimes leaving u exhausted, sometimes exhilarated, but at the end of it all, u know its over.

9 eventful things that happened in 2009:
(and working with YOG have taught me to leave events with learning points, so here goes..)

1. the hoohaas about izzat.
too many to say. if i were to say it, im gonna cry, so i wont.
keep the good, forget the bad, they say.

lesson learnt: letting go.

2. went for a surgery that changed my life. 27 feb-
(my knee is my life okay.)
surgery and hospitalisation fees: $10k
cab fees back and forth woodlands and sports council for rehab and physio: $400
having friends that helped me tru the immense pain i was suffering: priceless.
and now im running and kicking, Alhamdullilah. :)

lesson learnt: go for rehab religiously right after surgery. its the most painful thing ever, but pain makes u stronger.

3. landing an internship with YOG.

lesson learnt: get a proper job, being an intern sucks. but okay, the experience was great. u have sprinters like seng song and polo boys like ren kai as ur colleagues. what more can u ask for as an intern? higher pay. HAH, u wait long long.

4. getting my first (and hopefully my last) D+ for exams.
social psychology. not really my thing. its the lecturer, i swear. pulled my grades down like sai. ugh.

lesson learnt: dont give ACL tear as an excuse for doing poorly for exams. blame the lecturer.

5. darwin happened.
waterfalls, plungepools, rocks and hundreds and hundreds of kilometers of driving.

lesson learnt: book your flight tickets early. go to the most random places in the world wiht the most random group of ppl and make it happen :)

6. silat ivp.
team manager seh, goes into my testimonial. not bad. leadership quality: check. good results? umm.

lesson learnt: acl patients make good team managers.

7. signed my life away with nie.
all i was thinking was, masters masters masters. insyaAllah.

lesson learnt: dont think too much, agree with nike, just do it!

8. lose to win.

was part of the team that made people lose weight and feel more confident abt themselves. who says u cant change the life of others?

lesson learnt: theres no such thing as fat people, only lazy people.

9. went globetrotting. wait, no. 3 countries, one island-trotting.
vietnam, cambodia, bangkok and phuket in a week. konon globetrotter lahhh.

lesson learnt: tell yr mum who you go holiday with.

2009-12-27T18:50:00.002+08:00

its the time of the yr again to bid for modules. and it'll be my last.
i dont know whether i should be happy abt it,
or not.

dont come telling me its the season to be merry.
not when im having conjunctivitis and my eyes have been swollen from my incessant crying since tuesday.

i need to get a grip of my life, i tell you.
ugh.

i miss those carefree days when taufik batisah was everything to me and i was so damn good at mugging and netball.

the truth is out.

2009-12-23T22:48:00.003+08:00

i guess he's really gone, for good.

i have to learn to cry less.
its making my eyes swell up real bad.

God, i trust that You have bigger plans for us,
InsyaAllah.

2009-11-15T13:12:00.003+08:00

i've got a feeling.
that tonight's gonna be a good night.

haha. the song's stuck in my head.
and the video too. WATCH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RvljD0toJmU
its amazingggg.
haha. makes u feel...
err,
good.

not like studying.
the thought of studying just makes you feel
not good,
at all.
ugh.

(thus, im taking this short break to write.)

im such a role model student, aren't i?
i'll be out of the school next yr.
cant wait cant wait.
on the other hand,
school makes u feel safe.
somehow.
dont u think?
sigh.
why cant we pretend we're still in secondary school,
where theres nothing to worry about but
whether the guy is hot or not,
which team will we be meeting in the tournament,
whether our socks are high and skirts are not too short,
and whether we've done enuf 10 yr series.
i hate growing up,
too fast :(

i went for an moe interview last week.
YES MOE. haha. i know i dont have the slightest passion to teach,
but coaching, absolutely.
so im gonna give it a go on the PDGE and teach PE and umm,
another subject which i havent thought abt it yet.
malay, maybe? hahaha!
i learnt that doesnt mean ure good at netball, u can be a good netball coach.
similarly, doesnt mean i got an A1 for higher malay, i can be a good malay teacher, no? heh.
i wasnt prepared for the interview at all. i dont know why i dint bother. its quite scary actually, the fact that i went for a job interview not feeling a tinge of worry,
not until when i was outside the interview room.
then i started to wake up and was like,
OMG. ITS A REAL INTERVIEW.
and started to panic.

i didnt read tru the list of interview tips b4 that.
i didnt go tru lists of questions they were gonna ask.
all i did was,
be myself. (chey mcm paham. but seriously, nil preps except for bringing my certs.)
there were three of them sitting in front of me.
first mistake i did, which i found out after the interview after reading tru some interview tips, was that i placed my arms on the table. HAHAHAHA. can u believe it i actually did that? zomg.
i shook their hands, and dint sit down until i was told. that, i passed. :)
the interviewers had some problems smiling, so i had to do smtg abt it. i made them laughed. plus point? haha.
it went pretty well actually. i left the room feeling,
satisfied,
considering that i had such minimal preperations.

and i got an sms recently saying that they'll be giving me a letter of offer for teaching position. how cool.
aisyah's interview tip #1: be yourself. :):):)

i dont know what shit made me want to join the teaching industry but when i looked at the courses the PDGE (PE) had, it made me excited. :)
career tip #16: find something to do that makes you tick. what makes you tick?
there you go.

like why do i bother waking up at 5am every tuesday to travel all the way to marymount to coach netball to a bunch of annoying p3s for 8 consequtive weeks?
the kids drain and suck the energy out of you butttt..
its the feeling i get when i leave the school after the session.
aww.

hahaha. omg. this is so weird.
i actually have a passion for something other than rowing. HAHAHA.

and talking about rowing.
i dont know whether i want in back.
of cuz definitely i would love to row again.
but looking at the path that i have just paved before me,
i dont know if im able to become the steel-hearted, girl who lost 8kg, determined, passionate, almost crazy, rower that i once was. wait, no. i dont know if i WANT to become that person again.

i know! its scary to say such things. rowing was part of my life for 4 yrs and to say such things is like dumping an ex boyfriend and biting him behind his back. how rude of me! :(

but cormac's pulling me into another sport and hopefully if all goes well, who knows i may be just the next Olympian. HAHAHA.
dont even get me started on silat.
i still have this burning desire to fight.
grr.

my knee's getting muchos better. Alhamdullilah. thank you to every single person who had been there for me. you know who you are :)

what's next?
looking at short term events, the exams are just round the corner. i dont know if its just me but this sem went past a bit too fast. dont u think so? scary.
and next sem is my last sem in nus.
zomg.
i've already planned out my post-exam activities, but not for exams.
i know.
im such a lazy bum bum.
kill me. :(

and i was just thinking,
if theres one thing i want to change in this world,
is for people to stop lying and stop cheating their partners.
spread love, not lies.

oh well.

okok, i shall go back to studying.
check out the vid yea. :)
worth yr 4mins, trust me.

oh and i realised i dint even mention about guys.
pats on my back.

aisyah g.

of lying and getting hurt;

2009-11-02T22:42:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder if there's a limit to how much a person can cry.
can u really get blind by crying too much?
im worried.
my eyes friggin hurt from too much unnecessary crying.
and they get swollen and red.
and the pain stings.

and when your face is burnt.
and when the tears start rolling down your cheeks.
its like getting a double whammy.
not a good thing.

sometimes, some people are just not worth your tears.
i've come to realise that.
its about time huh.
oh well.

people around me are getting attached.
people i used to date are getting engaged.
no, im not jealous.
not at all.
i dont want to get attached or engaged,
not now.
im happy for them. i really am :)

i just wonder why do i have to go tru so much pain for,
for something i dont even know i can get at the end of this struggle.
and i dont know why im still here fighting,
when i can call it quits anytime i want.

lying is a bad habit.
when u start,
u cant stop.
it goes on and on and on.

i dont even remember lying to you.
i dont think i ever did.
not to say im an angel,
i know the things i say scar you.
but i dont lie to you.
its one thing ive stopped doing,
even after what u did to me.
because i know how much pain is caused when someone lies.

but i just dont understand why you have to lie to me.
its just not fair, isnt it?

i can take any form of pain.
incessant scoldings and harsh words thrown from a particular someone, being unnoticed or insignificant or easily forgotten, i can take and have taken the pain of an acl reconstruction.
but when u lie,
its just,
i dont know.

its even more painful than the 6 months of rehab i had to go tru for my knee.
and u know the post-surgery was the most painful moments in my life.
so can u imagine the damage a lie can cause?

cant be so baaadd! you may think.
because the people whom you love and care for you so dearly has never done it to you.
until u get to taste the pain of being lied to,
you'll never know how it feels like.

even if its some small petty issue.
lying is not a small petty issue.
not to me.

when we were together, i told the world i was with you.
when we broke apart, i was afraid of telling the world what you did to me,
because you were my world.

its not that i dont tell people the good side of you.
its just that u dont know.

i wish you'll just stop lying to me.
that's all i ask for.

2009-09-05T20:47:00.002+08:00

today, i made bread pudding for my family for buka. but i forgot to buy ice cream to go along with it. it tasted quite bland, but my mum said it was nice. i dont know if she was just being nice or if she really meant it. :(
last week, i cooked aglio olio! it was so yummy my bro asked me how i cooked it. bangga okay. but the smell of garlic lingered on my fingers for a week. :(
next week, or maybe soon, like next month or something, i think, i will learn how to cook malay food. InsyaAllah. haha! omg cmi. (i learnt a new acronym this week! CMI!)

so how? good enough to get married? trying too hard?

i have a friend who's msn subnick goes smtg like: i cant wait to get married, get out of the house and live with my own future husband!

i dont know what to say, really.

guys simply cant be trusted.

its 2 weeks away to hari raya and i still havent gotten my baju raya. i mean i know its not important to get a new one every yr but alah, im a girl, people will notice right?
hahaha! omg, that is so burok.

school has been pretty okay. ive been revising here and there, ive miraculously become extra rajin by this bit: <---> Alhamdullilah.
oh, and my attempt to increase my attention span has been tremendously successful. i havent been sleeping in class for the past week. Alhamdullilah!
and and and
im gonna prove that forensic science lecturer wrong. im gonna prove to her that you dont have to always sit in front to be an A student. InsyaAllah.

and today, i bought my first ever keeper's gloves. semangat kebabs yo!
im playing soccer tmr. it will be my first ever since my injury. but steve said i should just play keeper. okay lah, at least im on the pitch, and the Arts team needs a keeper anyway.
i just hope i wont get injured, InsyaAllah.

playing with girls wont be that bad, will it?
lets hope not.

we played netball last week and trashed this faculty 33-0 (lets keep the faculty confidential to avoid extreme embarassment) haha. burok seh. my captain was like telling me to give them chance to score, but even with much great effort to try to let them score, they couldn't. i feel bad, really. :(

like how i felt bad when one of my classmates couldnt join us for class gathering cuz i reserved a non halal restaurant for 22 persons. even after i even did a research and tried my best to convince her that the ingredients are all halal only that they are cert-less.
sorry.

i guess this is it for today.
i told yatay that i will keep to my promise not to get attached until i graduate. she snorted.
2 ppl to prove them wrong, bebeh.

i secretly cant wait to train again- netball, rowing, silat, running, whatever. as long as i get to train and be able to complain abt how tough training is, and how much im aching and how tired i am from training. i cant wait!

giler!

memang.

best :)

2009-08-28T23:38:00.002+08:00

if you ever had thoughts of cheating on ur partner, think again.
the repurcussions of cheating is awful.

you'll regret.
you apologize.
you seek forgiveness.
they forgive.
but they will never, ever forget.

if youve never been cheated on,
you'll never know what it feels like to have your heart ripped into two and you cant do anything to piece them back together. and healing takes a long, long time.
you'll never know what it feels to tell yourself over and over again that you hate that person but you know deep inside you still do love that person so much, you cant decide, you go crazy. you get depressed. and you allow them to destroy your life,
just like that.
and it takes months, and probably a yr or two to totally forget about that person,
maybe never.
you tell yourself you're strong.
when ur world inside crumbles beneath the facade ure hiding.
you date around pretending its okay,
when its not.

when you cheat,
you know you cant turn back time,
you know they dont trust you anymore
and you gotta work extra hard to gain that back.
when you cheat,
its a life of a person u once loved u take away.
and sometimes,
u'll never get back that person u once knew.

if you love someone, love that person wholeheartedly.
if youre not willing to,
dont go breaking people's heart.
its not a nice thing to do,
really.

cuz life feeds back truth in its own ways and time.
trust me.

2009-08-24T21:49:00.002+08:00

an average person's attention span is this much:
<----------------------------------------------------------------->
recently, i discovered mine:
<-->
my aim is to bring it up to within this week:
<------->
bit by bit become big.
sikit sikit lama lama jadi bukit.

fasting makes u stronger,
a bit thirsty, yes, no doubt.
but stronger, definitely.

my brain just cant seem to accept that.
why oh why.
it cant be the setans cuz they're all chained up.
or is it cuz im old.
and weak.

then what, seriously, really, making me feel so so so so tired these days?
whats up with the world mama?

sticks out lower lip. je-back :(

2009-08-21T01:30:00.001+08:00

if 65% of my brain goes to school, whereby 30% goes to health lab, 15% to developmental psych, 10% to PID, 5% goes to planet earth and forensic science each because they are not core modules, and the remaining 20% of my brain is geared towards YOG, 10% to my jobs as a personal trainer, a bootcamp instructor and a netball coach, with 33.33% each, and lets say i have 5% left for other nagging issues in my life, put them altogether they'll add up to 100% of my brain usage. if this goes on, i think i need another brain and another body, before my body crumbles and my brain deteriorates.
i need another Saiyidah Aisyah.
its not the money or fame im chasing.
graduate, get that degree, and then what?
honestly, i dont know what im chasing.
not even guys.
how do i even fit them into my life?
you tell me.
lets pray that this Ramadhan bring some good in our lives.
InsyaAllah.

2009-08-20T07:24:00.002+08:00

sorry,
but i dont do this thing called trust anymore.

if i choose to trust, i choose love. and love means im prepared to get hurt.
honestly, im not prepared.
yes, i am a coward, but i dont want my heart to go tru whats its been thru again and again.
i told u this already.
im telling u again.

im waiting,
but im not ready.

---

its 7am lah dei. im waiting to go to school so i sempatzzz masok sini update, since i havent been doing so since 6 july. and of all the times in the world i have to update, i choose to do so this very morning.

i thought abt things ppl dont usually think about early in the morning. my brain works in ways i just couldnt fathom.

sometimes ppl worry cuz i dont think.
but sometimes i worry cuz i think waaaaayyy too much.

school's being a bitch, even though it just started.
i've been soooo looking forward to school, but i dont know why i just cant stay awake in lectures.
whats friggin wrong with me.
i feel like doing what my race does best, which is to quit school.
but its already my 3rd and final yr. i'll be such a loser if i give up now.

so tell me, what keeps you awake in class?
share your secrets. spill.
come on.

I NEED TO WAKE UP MY IDEA.

okay, off to school i go.

taa.

2009-07-06T23:08:00.002+08:00

whats there to hide?
i was a cheater.
i was a liar.
its not that im proud of it.
im brutally honest,
that u must know.
ive had a bad past.
ive learnt to change.
i had been cheated on.
i had been lied to.
my life wasnt perfect.
my life isnt perfect.
i was an athlete.
i dream to be one again.
im nothing without sports,
u know that.
u just wont tell it to my face.
im tired of people being nice and lying to me.
ive been very, very patient with my injury.
the fever and deadly coughs are not making my life any better.
its gonna pass soon, i know.
its gonna take long, that i know too.
God is testing my patience.
Im grateful i have some to spare.
I would have died if i had given up hopes.
Im weak.
I dont trust anymore.
I dont think i'll fall in love anytime soon.
But i will learn to love again,
one day,
InsyaAllah.
My heart has gone through the toughest shit,
the most painful crap.
I dont want it to get beaten up
and shattered again.
letting go was the hardest thing i had to go thru,
apart from the stupid acl surgery.
first it was bcuz our religions disagree with one another,
then our mums dont approve of us.
whats next?
i cant wait.

i have dreams to achieve,
which i dont know if its even possible for me to achieve.
but they say,
if u dont believe in urself, who will?

he wasnt willing to go tru my dreams with me,

aim for something more rational, he says.

and, i was willing to wait for him, even if he took a decade.

noone doubts aisyah.

aisyah will prove them wrong.

im only 21.
or is it, im already 21?

i plan to travel the world,
change the world, if i can.
but its already so hard for me to change a person,
and i dream of changing the world.
who am i kidding.

maybe,
its just not meant to be.
it took me months to forget him.
yea, months.
thats how long ive been waiting to resume my life, too.
if it wasnt for faith, i would have gone mad.

Ive went through pain, not any 21 yr old would have gone through.
and now i've become stronger,
I hope.

now u know me.
what makes u think u can handle me?

2009-07-03T01:12:00.002+08:00

im tired of you lying to me. can u PLEASE go lie to someone else, seriously.

ure a waste of time and space and effort. ure a waste of my life.
u cant keep to your words, even if it was for your own good. i mean seriously how hard is it to NOT SMOKE since uve not been smoking when we were together. and all i wanted for you to do is to friggin quit, for me at least. but NO. i guess whatever i said didnt friggin matter to you. then i wonder why i still bloody listen to what crap comes out from your filthy mouth. and u still dare doubt my abilities to reach my goal. and u put the blame on me making me the bad guy when all along it was you who had issues.

seriously boy, wake up your idea.

GROW UP.

im not lying abt the karma part.
it does happen whether u want it or not.
just becareful how life gives u back things u did to others.
been there done that.
dont say i dint warn you.

there you go, a waste of space even to mention about you.
im not even sorry im being crude.

---

AYG's over for me.
AYG makes me want to row again.
thats when it struck me like how an apple fell on Newton's head.
what the fish am i doing? im still 21. i was born an athlete. what am i doing here brooding abt a stupid leg injury and not doing anything abt it.

then the setan in my head will say, but what sport would want you? ure weak. ure so weak! who would want an acl tear patient for their sport?

AYG makes me feel young again.
at least 3 people thought im 19. i told them, lets keep it that way.
AYG athletes are hawt but looking at them and thinking "omg omg so hot so hot" makes me sound like a pedo! SO WRONG.

if you were to ask me whether i'd rather suffer my ass to organize something huge like AYG or to suffer my ass off to train for a big competition, i'd choose the latter. and ive made up my mind about that.

i should sleep the pain away.
yeah, sleep your existence away.

2009-06-27T19:56:00.002+08:00

i think that some things are better left not known.

if im a kucing, my curiosity would have already killed me.

theres a rowing competition going on in singapore and its just amazing to know that they have conveniently brushed me aside like a fleck of dust on their filthy sleeve. i dont know whether to be sad that they dint inform me or happy that they have decided not to trespass my boundaries. but i do know that my heart aches knowing that i was once a rower and this is happening to me. why are they doing this to me? what have i done to deserve such treatment? and all i wanted was to help them, and spread my love for the sport.

next time i shouldnt have bothered and be selfish.
next time i shouldnt be too bloody nice.
learn, aisyah, LEARN.

ive been really sucky lately. ive not been going for physio bcuz work has been crazy. at least the ppl at yog appreciate my hard work and effort. even thought they pay me kacang. i enjoy doing what im doing. no one barking up my ass, noone making me cry everytime theres a meeting, noone to humiliate me, insult me, hurt me. noone to called me a "waste of time" or "useless".

ill always remember what haireez said to me, whenever possible, never work with your own people.
he's absolutely right.

2009-06-27T17:24:00.002+08:00

im tired.

AYG's starting and theres soo much to do and i stayed in the office till 930 last night and i gave 1,000,0001 excuses why i shouldnt go for the fitnessbootcamp at ecp at 8am this morning for the tryout even after mum offered to send me to ecp i dont know why i said im not working and went back to sleep then i trained my client and went to gym and had to finish off some last minute ayg stuff which i have not finished and im sitting here now facebooking and blogging but not doing any work im at home on a sat aftnn and you went to a flea market and u said sorry cuz u dint ask me along but its ok cuz i was supposed to be doing work or going to van's birthday party which i couldnt go cuz i was supposed to work yes on a saturday but im not doing any work and omg im bored and im going crazy and i wanna go out im supposed to go for amaria's party too but theres so much work to do whats wrong with you, aisyah go do some work and not waste time feeling bored and stupid cuz u have work to do and go bloody do them and theres work tmr morning zomg zomg zomg but i love my job but im complaining abt it and its giving me so much stress and i miss my friends i wanna see them now but ecp is just friggin far and im such a lazy ass but i wanna go but i cant decide and im angry and sad and you had to make it worse i wish this feeling will just go away and i dont know what to tell the fitnessbootcamp guy cuz he was looking forward to see me on sat but if i were to go i would have to join in but i cant run/jump whatever ahhh excuses omg i wish TIME WOULD JUST FRIGGIN STOP, and let me think and breathe.
ugh.

its the period, i swear.

geramnyer!

2009-06-15T23:40:00.003+08:00

zomg. im so pissed right now i could kill someone.
1. to whom it may concern, if you havent realised, ive been trying all means to get you but you're obviously avoiding me for some reason i dont know what. i told you already, if you dont wanna go, just tell me. i would find a replacement. dont force yourself to go if you dont want to. you can change the passenger, but not the destination. so pls. if youre out there, give me an answer so i wont get so mad. thank you.
2. if youre married and have kids, pls stay faithful. thank you.
3. work is bogging me down. ayg's in less than 2 weeks time. ive been busy with work, not going for physio, steve's angry and he made me cry. what if the only person who gave u hope gives up on you?
4. which part of: i cant play/kick/jump/run do you people not understand? if i can, i would but i cant. its not that i dont want to. i cant! GOD.
5. if ure not willing to stand up for the person you love, dont force yourself, you'll only make a fool out of yourself and cause someone else to get friggin hurt.
6. life is not all about money. pls, pls understand that, i beg you.
7. next time why not, when i reach ur friggin doorstep then u tell me ure not at home lah. ure house is only at the other end of singapore what, not that far. transport's quite cheap too.
8. im tired of working. i want to work. but im tired. i dont know what i want. no, wait. i do know what i want. i want to train. i want to be able to train again. i dont know in what sport but just train. i need to train to keep my mind of things. too many things going on in my head.
9. i suddenly feel like staying in sch for the 4th yr. i think someone needs to slap me.
10. i want my life back. GIVE ME MY LIFE BACK. this is depressing, seriously.
friggin knee.
ergh.

2009-06-02T22:39:00.002+08:00

i remembered about half a yr ago, saying something like,"i did badly for my exams".
i remembered sometime ago telling myself to move on if i dont wanna get hurt.
i remembered reminding myself that all i wanted to do was to get back in shape, to be able to run again.
and im doing them again.
and again.
telling myself and being pissed and fed up and throwing tantrums, venting my anger at anyone who gets in my way, making them feel like shit, and feeling sinfully satisfied with that. i keep telling myself all these things, and the best thing is, i do nothing about them.
this is not aisyah.
GET OUT GET OUT.
i want myself back :(
but i feel so empty inside.
i feel dead like a pisang.

i need something exciting in my life.
i need some adventures.
i dont wanna grow old.
i dont want to start working if this is what working feels like.
it feels like ure damn friggin busy,
but u feel empty.
its ironic,
and scary.
its sad.
sad like how my arms wobble when i move them
sad like how my thighs rub against each other when i walk
sad like how i look horribly grotesque in clothes these days.

i miss being smart when i know i will get good grades without having to mug my ass off.
what is there to be embarrassed about? i got my first D. MasyaAllah, i dont even know how. its not that i dint study for it. i did. its just horrid. how stupid can a person get, seriously?
obviously, it pulled my grades down. ooh sad, yeah. im so unmotivated already. ugh.

and you wonder whats happening to me.
i ask myself that everyday.

this thursday, i will go for my biodex test which will determine whether i can start running or not. im not looking forward to it. today i was walking down the slope at my office which i felt a click. not good. i dont know. im just tired of feeling weak and vulnerable. im tired of everything. MasyaAllah.

and i miss being/look like/ feel like an athlete. i dont anymore. it was SO BAD, there was this rp girl who thought i was more like an artsy fartsy person, not an athlete. its sad, really.

i told you. this is not aisyah.
aisyah is not fair. im friggin fairer than many chinese people i know. when was the last time uve seen aisyah fair!!!
aisyah is not fat.
aisyah is not so stupid get D for her friggin exams.
aisyah is not like this. not at all.

whats wrong with me?

ugh.

i should watch nick vujicic every morning when i wake up.
i should feel disgusted complaining about this nitty gritty stuff in life.

whats wrong with me?? :(

2009-05-24T12:14:00.003+08:00

its almost 2pm and ive been lying on my bed since 11am thinking what i should do today. im such a loser i tell you.

i am contemplating if i should cut my hair or not. you know i very itchy hand hot abit want to cut hair lah, give 12459248 excuses why i should cut lahh, later complain.

so should i?

aiyah. life is so tough.

then recently, i've learnt that to survive in life, you CANNOT be nice.

can you imagine someone telling you, "hey, sorry but ure too nice, im finding someone else for this job." WAHLAOEHHHH and i havent even met you lah sia and ure judging me from a conversation over the phone? rude or wat. seriously.

and taking the train rides in the morning also taught me that if ure nice, u bloody lose out. if you dont do your daily tak tau malu act by selitting in between 2 existing bodies in the train (esp at jurong east towards pasir ris) and risk the smell of ketiaks and horrid body odour, you dont get to work on time. then padan muker to you. so, ive learnt to stab the singapore lion (kindness movement mascot) on his back and pretend im like a blade of leaf, i tell myself, "i can squeeze in that space there. i can i can!" then there you go, selit away!

but i know, i know, for those who have safely secured their spot in the train and giving that face as though you've just won the national vertical challenge 2009, u feel like u just wanna give that penyelit a huge tight slap the face right? i feel you, brothers and sisters. once in a while, its okay to feel closer to fellow singaporeans. :)

mcm paham. i'll snear at ppl who step on my white adidas loafers, and dont say sorry. if u do that again im gonna scream OWWWWWW and make sure u say sorry.

my fellow countrymen and women (esp women, i realise) are rude creatures!

and i suggest people should invest in a bottle of deodrant, please. if youre too cheapskate, powder will do. it helps, trust me. if a huge fan of bedak wangi. it lasts me tru the day. in other words, i smell nice the whole day. BO in the morning train is a big NO-NO. ugh. and when u have sampah in ur mouth, try breathing thru ur nose and not talk in the crowded train. spare us the pain, please.

life is tough huh? kene mandi pagi-pagi, kene gosok gigi, kene pergi kerje and face the annoying shit-situations u get in the train.

once, at the bus stop, i saw this lady who kene taik burong on her hair, then she abit thick skin i think cannot feel, didnt realise theres taik burong on her hair, its colourless also but damn, i saw that friggin bird shat on her sia. then a few ppl around me saw the rude burong also, but noone went up to her and told her. i feel bad cuz i dint tell her cuz my bus arrived already. :(

sorry mr kindness lion, singaporeans are just born to be bad and ugly.

thats why i think, im an exception. :)

sorry world, im too nice. live with that.

i feel like an adult now, go work everyday, 830 to 630. fooyoh. much effort yo! soyjoy is little effort. sorry if youre the victim of my mengarotness is im bored at work. like sending you MUCH EFFORT good morning mms-cards:

if this goes on, id rather stay in school and force myself to take honours next yr. if not, can u believe it, im graduating next yr!!! i know, rapid kan. its scary. :(

but i dont want school to start. i dont know what i want, seriously.

now, let me get back to my thinking,

should i cut my hair or not?

CHAMPION

2009-04-28T23:39:00.004+08:00

WHAT IS A CHAMPION?

really meh?
then i must be a champion. (eleh. stoppit eh. go learn how to run again first.)
dont push it ehh.
(why cannot push, they say if i push i become champion mah!)

horrid.
exams making me turn schizo.
i need antidepressants.
my seratonin levels are high! gimme prozac.
(wah prepared for biopsych nampak! biopsych jargons!)
(jargons remind me of jaggernauts from x-men. those brown helmet robot villians.)

giler eh?
memang.

...

i feel like a champion this week!

1. i dint go for physio/rehab for a week bcuz i was too busy. too busy doing what i dont know. it feels like studying is never ending. (ah complain complain. saper suroh last minute blajaaar!)

my knee lost strength cuz champion mah never train the leg. so, it gave way like 3 times.

CHAMPION knee.

2. but today i managed to achieve (almost) full range okay. except my straightening (off by 5 degrees) okay wut.

CHAMPION.

3. i dint sleep the whole night finishing up my TS1101E portfolio on set design. and went to school for practical exam the next day. thus the eye bags untuk takung air mata and gula gula. (my face sweet ma, i got mosquito bite on my chin today)

CHAMPION nyamuk.

4. the examiner asked me about light designs which was so..OUT and uncalled for and those kind of spot-the-not-ajer-tau-kuranghasam! questions. sengajer seh. takper.

CHAMPIONS pandai asap.

5. i actually studied and FINISHED reading the textbook (!!!) for social psych exam.

ini baru CHAMPION!

6. but i dint study the lecture notes where all the questions in the exams were based on. (same theory applies as champion factor no.4- kuranghasam! questions.) so i couldnt answer (like at all, i swear) 40 marks worth of questions. takper kater...

...CHAMPION kan?

7. i went for the GEK exam not knowing it was open book.

TAKDER LAGI CHAMPION?

8. i camwhored for the first time in many years. (bedek) its not everyday u get perfectlly coiffed hair mah! NAH! ini dia muker champion:

9. thursday got exam still can facebook and blog.

CHAMPION!

10.and last CHAMPION special mention goes to izzat. ah pergi jauh jauh lagi lah. tinggalkan orang.

ini satu kisah cerita tentang budak tinggi gala.
budak nama aisyah blajar banyak banyak sampai gila!

okay dah.
BLAJAR!

birthday :)

2009-04-19T22:55:00.004+08:00

one more hour before i turn 21. lets see if i can finish writing this by 12am.
I DONT WANNA TURN 21. I DONT WANNA TURN 21! im freaking serious. you think im kidding?

dinie. says:
anw you OLD alr lor.
dinie. says:
you old, limp fit woman

ohno. ohno. ohno. says:
you should look forward to it!
ohno. ohno. ohno. says:
freedom!

emi j says:
i heard right
emi j says:
those who turn 21
emi j says:
have to study

THANKS, FRIENDS. i have really good friends :)

i have plans for tomorrow.
im gonna spend the day studying. how exciting!!!! i know. u can join me if you want.
(stop complaining, u sound like an old hag)
okay i shall stop.

my mum said "STOPPPIT ehhh" today. i cant remember for what reason but i swear she said that.
and today she blanja-ed my family at breeks. whats the occasion, u ask? nak kene sepak? actually its better if people dont remind me that im turning 21. hahaha. self denial siak budak ni.

(40 more minutes to 20th)
okay what else am i gonna say? okay umm. being 20 had been great. i think.
last yr i had no bday cake for the first time in my life,
i dint grow any taller,
i grew fatter,
i quit rowing (i cant believe i actually did it),
i met the most mengarot person in the world,
who broke my heart,
i almost died, but i didnt,
i got kicked during silat training and tore my ACL,
and it sort of ruined my life,
i survived the surgery,
as usual school life was never interesting,
and hello? why so pessimistic?
when i was 20,
my team won the challenge shield and mini oly,
i ran 11.2km for RunNUS and came in 13th,
i played netball for arts and came in 3rd for IFG,
i organized a rowing competition with 2 guys i can never live without,
i became a stronger person when he broke my heart.

EMO MOMOK. stop it, seriously.

and when i turn 21 what do i wanna do?
i dont know.
WOW.

and exams start on wednesday.
and end on the 5th of may. BEST KAAAANNN?
kiter tau.

so anyone who comes and tell me that they finish exams before i do, i'll gigit their heads.
try me.

and what about my leg?
i can walk fine now but some ppl say i still limp.
and my right leg is officially freaking smaller than my left leg. everyone who realizes it will go, OMG! IT IS SMALLER!
and so is my pantat lor, one big one small. u can see the diff if u take a closer, longer, harder look. but dont u dare. ill side kick u b4 u look at them. but WAIT, what pantat? im pantat-less :(
i can achieve full range already but only when my physio lipats my leg. yeah, literally fold my legs. is it painful?
i screamed and cried when she folded my legs.
im tired of complaining about how painful it is.
7 more months to full recovery.

InsyaAllah.

(20 more minutes) okay, last words form a 20 yr old aisyah:
i want to be able to run again.
and i wanna be able to love again. (aww)
happy 21st, aisyah.
mwah!

u know u love me,
xoxo,
HAHAHA stoppit.
bye!

2009-03-26T21:41:00.003+08:00

random thoughts.

0. awful week deserves a zero.
1. i fell down the stairs in NUS. thank God i fell on my bum instead of my knees. but i attempted to break the fall with my injured knee, thats why it was throbbing since that day. when i fell, i dint know what to do so i cried. i feel stupid, but it was painful :(
2. an old lady gave up her seat to me in the train, i refused and thanked her. others pretend i didnt exist, there's money on the floor, and have the sudden urge to sleep when i enter the cabin.
3. there's so much work to do and i havent started studying/revising/catching up. 3 weeks of MC is over. life just ended. or just began. ho ho. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH WORK IVE NOT DONE. u dont wanna know, even i refuse to know.
4. this is stupid but sometimes, i hate being alone.
and sometimes, i wanna be alone.
okay honestly, most of the time, i dont know what i want.
5. why am i so freakin emo.
6. ive never seen jesse mccartney before until i checked out his "how do you sleep" vid.
and i think he's cute.
7. i shall stay away from knee length skirts until i get my calf muscles back on my injured leg.
8. i havent ran for almost 4 months now.
9. i wanna go far far away this hols, i need a travel buddy, quick apply!
10. i secretly wish next year's freshmen guys are HOT CUTE and NICE. not secret anymore. i dont care. i'll be damn pissed if i have no eye candy next year. wait, ive never had one in NUS before. and hello my standards are not so high, seriously guys, where are they?
11. its been a long time since im allowed to oogle google again. i feel like, im too old to do such things.
12. i dont wanna turn 21 :(

2009-03-14T01:46:00.002+08:00

MasyaAllah I don’t think I can take it anymore.

Ive got to tell you the truth.

I cry myself to sleep every single night, since Sunday. Every single night, MasyaAllah. Sometimes, I think too much, sometimes I don’t think, sometimes I just feel like crying because it hurts so deep inside, and sometimes I cry and cry, I forgot what im even crying about. MasyaAllah.

I pray all the time that God will take this pain away from me. I trust that He will, but I’ve never been so hurt for this long before. I don’t know why I even let myself get hurt. They say I must be strong, I’ll pull through this. But its so much harder than I thought. I pray to God to give me strength, for me to overcome these challenges. But why do I always feel as though the worlds coming down on me at the end of the day? Whats happening to me?

I woke up on a beautiful Sunday morning, getting a call from someone who hardly knows me, and tells me that she doesn’t like me. Someone who changed my entire life, and since that call, and since that day, my heart was never calm.

After we broke up, you promised to work on us again. I’ve always believed in us, I thought we could always work things out. It has to take two to make us stronger. Then I found out that Im the only one keeping things together between us cuz YOU GAVE UP. You took everything away from me, cuz u were my everything.

Other than getting my knee cut open, and my toenail ripped off by bicycle gears, the next most painful thing in the world is to know that someone you love, don’t love you back the same, and wont stand up for you.

I don’t know why it hurts so much. Maybe youre right, I loved you too much. Is it wrong to love someone wholeheartedly?

Life is cruel, I know. One day you feel like you’re on the top of the world, and the next day, you’re down in the drains. I tell myself every freaking day that Im gonna pick myself up and bloody move on. But MasyaAllah, why am I not doing it?

---

I was off crutches since last Friday. Today marks the 2nd week since my surgery. My extension and flexion have been fairly okay. Ive been going for rehab and physio almost everyday. The doctor took off my stitches today and let me keep the stitch.

I’ve gotta thank adeel and rauf for sending me to rehab so that I could save on cab fare. I spent more than a hundred bucks on cab fares alone last week. I braved the bus alone on Tuesday during the evening peak hour, and the train during the morning peak on Wednesday and today. On Wednesday, an ang moh gave up his seat to me but today, No one gave up their seat. Compassionate society, no?

This knee injury have had brought me thinking about so many things. That’s why I can spend hours just lying on the bed thinking, not sleeping, not doing anything else but just staring into space. Ive been thinking about how much ive taken my leg for granted. I realised that NUS is bloody inaccessible and non-user friendly for the handicapped. I know im bogged down by the million and one things my friends are going tru; paintball, Frisbee, netball, silat friendlies, wakeboarding, what not. I get pissed knowing that they choose to go without me. I get really angry and worked up I start thinking about how caring my friends are. Making me regret going for surgery because its painful and it will take a year for me to go back to do sports.
Then, I feel stupid. I cant be bloody selfish. Doesn’t mean I cant do these activities I have to stop my friends from doing them. But sometimes, I just cant help it. Like receiving daily updates about the NTU-NUS silat friendly tomorrow. As much as I wanna know whats going on in silat, I wished they dint tell me. :(

Its like rubbing the knee brace in my face. You’re injured, bitch. Wake up.

one thing after another. i dont know how much i can take before i give up myself.

post op 3

2009-03-05T10:49:00.005+08:00

yesterday was one of the most painful days after the surgery.

i hated yesterday. yesterday made me not want to walk anymore. yesterday sucks.
go pee on yesterday. :(

rauf picked me up in the morning and drove me to sports council (thanks, rauf- 2 CIP hours awarded). i dont know what other ways there are to thank all these people who have helped me. all i could do now is thank them.

jangan emo momok pls. the day just started.

okay then hor rehab/physio was awful, awful, awful :( if children are scared of the dentist but they're forced to go visit the dentist, im scared of physio. i dont like it. physio is like cod liver oil- you know it sucks, its awful and it leaves a stupid taste in ur mouth, but its good for you. physio is just like that.

my knee flexion improved tremendously. i achieved 92 degrees flexion but my extension is baaadd. it was 10 degrees off so my physio had to press press press my shin downwards. tahan tahan tahan. and that only made it 3 degrees better. im about 7 degrees off still. more pressing today :(

if you dont know shit what im talking about, dont bother. be thankful u can straighten your knee.

then my physio took away one of my crutches, so now i have to walk on one. i was so scared to take a step but after so much of pysching up myself i managed to put more weight on my leg. it was painful but the feeling of being able to walk was great. Alhamdullilah.

so i spent close to 4 hours learning how to walk again.

izzat picked me up and we went to smu where i waited for arab class. my leg felt bruised and weak and tired. it was painful. and u can do nothing about it.

i attempted to study at smu but it was just so uncomfortable i couldnt concentrate. my leg was throbbing in pain. i had to shift it regularly so it wouldnt go numb and it sucks if theres semut semut. talking about insects- bloody hell. i swear i hate cockroaches. and smu t junct is filled with them. shit.

i was studying when i felt something wriggling on my feet. SHIT YUCKS ERGH EWWW BLUEK. i shook it off i thought it was a spider then i saw a cockroach crawling out of my shoe. YUUUCKYUCKYUCKYUCKYUCK! it was small but the feelers were long and disgusting and it was just GROSS GROSS GROSS. GROSS.

i couldnt run away so i screamed. then it ran away and i had this most uncomfortable, grossest, stupid feeling in the world for the next hour or so. YUCKS. i hate cockroaches. to hell with them.

then then then as i was walking to arab class, i had to leave first cuz i know ill take forever to walk there. i have walked that walkway for more than a year, okay bedek, for the longest time, ive seen the smu rugby boys train there, muay thai train, but yesterday, while i was walking, of all the days in the world, all the time in the day, of all the people walking along that walkway, the rugby ball rolled and rolled and bounced and happily almost hit me. OMG. i can make my own story of a series of unfortunate events. seriously.

and arab class was good, my writing and vocab improved without any effort put in. i think my brain's starting to work more to compensate for the lack of use of leg. but towards the end of class, my leg, cuz i put in on the floor and blood flows to the wound, it started to twitch and ache and whatever lah the stupid leg then when class ended and i was going to walk again it hurts so much so so so much i cant take it i cried and cried and cried. izzat made fun of me. i know its funny how i walk but its not funny when im the one feeling the pain :(

cab fare home : $20 rip off. :(

thanks, izzat. a lifetime of CIP hours for you. but minus off some because u made fun of me and made me cry, twice.

this morning, i dint wanna wake up cuz waking up means i have to go physio again. (then i was wondering when am i gonna do my work? haiz.) so i was doing my morning exercise something new steve taught me yest, it looked something like this:

the red line represent the tetra band (is that what they call it, the stretchy stretchy thing). anyway, yes so i was supposed to work on lifting my own leg which i find it so mengarotly hard to do. its annoying cuz its just a mere lifting that bloody leg but its not so easy peasy. GOD. so i was SQUUEEZZING AND SQUEEEZZING my muscles, until my face like that shown in the picture above. and finally, MasyaAllah, i lifted my own leg, without the help of the band! but it was awfully painful and tiring. i tried a few times. i was so happy i rewarded myself to a Hershey stick :)

but after i showered, i tried to lift it up again and i cant.

and now im waiting for adeel to wake up to send me to physio. wish me luck.

post op again

2009-03-03T15:07:00.005+08:00

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!
I AM SO BORED SO BORED SOBORED SOBREDSOBOREDSOBORED!!!!
saaaaavvveeee meeeeeeee......
im dyyyyiiiinnnggggg my pantats dyyiinngggg my brains dyyyiiinnngggggggg
heeellppp meeeeeeeeeeeee.................................................

BISH.

OMG im so bored nak mampos. i woke up at 9 today i dint wanna wake up cuz theres absolutely nothing to look forward to today tuesdays supposed to be packed school day but i cant go school so im stuck at home and ive been sitting here on my since i woke up at 9 today which i dint wanna wake up cuz theres absolutely nothing to look forward to today tuesdays supposed to be.

WAIT. i remember saying that already.

today i shall not to use the backspace button.

okay so i woke up today i showered on my own today i feel like a grown up kid now i feel gooood when my kaki pijak the floor blood rushes down the kaki like flood then i feel like pain like that like whoa sai sakit nak jalan like shit! like WHATEVER seh. its painful . period. then i sat on my bed after i shower and have been sitting here since then. my pantat can burn sia like this. it'll be flat if this goes on for 2 more days, im pretty sure. flat ass. wait. i have an ass?

not bad. flawless typing skills, aisyah.
no use of backspace.

okay and then after i shower i ate breakfast, what did i eat today? hmm. ahh yes. before i brushed my teeth i ate 2 famous amos cookies bought by elly and shaheen. its called enery energy for exercise. yes i religiously do my knee exercises everyday, 3 times a day. arent u proud of me, daddy? if i dont eat before i do my exercises i might ffaint again like how i did on saturday and i dont want it to happen again cuz it was so scary, i thoughti was gonna die. sheesh. my knee flexion was 75 degrees yesterday weh when i went for physio and rehab. which is good okay but im supposed to achieve 90 degrees by end of this week. but my extension lacks 10 degrees which means i have to do more of leg straightening edx exercises. and yesterday rehab was maaaaddd. i proudly announced i did no merlion tricks after i woke up from my sleep. achievement lah tu konon but when steve told me to le lift up my right foot when i was lying down i couldnt. haha its quite amazing really how cimply simple things like lifting up ur foot cant be done and u have to learn to do it so steve tied a rope around my right ankle and attached it to a pulley which i had to pull at the other end of the ropw so im like lifting my leg up. so it looks something like this:

WAAHHH nice kan i draw! like pro like that. and must SMILE cuz if u look :( then steve will bully you more. he made me do half cycle on the bike machine which i cant possibly draw on paint to show u so it doesnt matter. then he also made me lie down on the floor and stand up without any help u know! when i had trouble standing up from my lying down on the floor position, he simply said, "its okay, centre closes at 530!"

u -_- or u :( or u :'( he wont care one. i dont mind lah, i think every athlete needs a steve to push them hard. but ONE STEVE IS ENOUGH (read: izzat) ONE STEVE IS ENOUGH.

ONE STEVE IS ENOUGH.

okay, then my physio put some electric onto my thighs then i saw all the babbats wobble wobble. HAHAHA damn im so gonna get fat. ill tell u whats on my table right next to me now:

MARKS AND SPENCER triple chocolate crunch

GODIVA milk chocolate strawberries and dark truffle heart

REDONDO choc-hazelnut wafer sticks

FAMOUS AMOS cookies

HERSHEY 60 cal sticks

HAHAHAHA GEMOK SIAK GINI!

but ive been rationing well. theres still more even tho theyve been sitting here for 5 days unless some my monster brothers come and kebas when im not looking. which means if u still want them, come visit me lah u can taste a few. saper cepat dier dapat! woo woo! kalau datang visit yepun, tolong lah restock the chocolate supplies ke, belikan es krim bnj ke, ataupun megabites ke. kalau takder duit, boleh lah kemaskan bilik i ni ke, teman i gi rehab ke, dapat pahala, you. i can give u CIP hours also if u want :)

okaylah. ill try find something else to do. like watching gossip girls, watch the movies i have in my laptop, and annoy some other people online since i cannot annoy people physically now. BOO. :( but i managed to annoy izzat yest cuz he accompanied me for rehab then he cariked pasal with me sia so i cariked pasal back. eeeeeeeeee. okay, ill give you 6 CIP hours :)

i'll make a list of days and time that i need to travel to go for rehab/go school (ZOMG U CANT BELIEVE THIS BUT I MISS SCHOOL) mcm paham. bedek ajer. but id rather go school than sit on my bum the whole day :( :( :( okay dah minah, stop brooding.

yes as i was saying, ill make a schedule form lah, so if u feel like u want to reach out to the society, u dont have to go far, ill always be needing a helping hand.

and today's weather is so SUBHANALLAH sedap untuk tido, so my eagerness to study in the morning died down after 35 mins of studying cuz the weather was just too serene. it was raining then it stopped it wasnt hot, eeee sedap nyer. YELAH sedap sedap tak BLAJAR LAH!

dahlah, i shall go attempt to blajar now.

OMG THEN YOU KNOW WHAT? at 3pm, i was coughing then i saw blood on my wrist! then i was asking my maid, "Kak, aper ni? Aisyah batok abeh ader darah." Then she said, "Aneh." OKay itu sahaja. i shall TRY to stop eating chocolates.

bye!

oh wait. go check this out: http://nosadsadmonster.wordpress.com/

cute sia. GO PEE ON YOUR SAD!

post op

2009-03-01T23:06:00.002+08:00

surgery was scary shit, i must admit.
i mean one day, i was able to walk, run, and win medals for captains' ball and dodgeball, next day, im lying in bed the whole day, unable to move my right leg.
i thought i was well prepared for this pain and shit.
boy was i wrong.
i dint expect it to be this painful. its stupid to wish i hadnt gone for surgery.
now i have to live with this excruciating pain, and pray and hope that it will recover soon.
InsyaAllah.
friday, 27th february 2009, 11:30am.
the nurse pushed me from the ward to the operating theatre. when fahmi told me in detail, how it seemed like what we saw in movies, i got reminded of that. it was exactly what it looked like in the movies. i lie there on the bed as i got pushed along the hospital corridors, all i could see were lights and flashes of human passing by. i dint put on my contacts and i had to remove my specs. i was scared so halfway, i covered the blanket over my face. my mum said, jangan takutkan oranglah, nanti orang ingat nurse tu tengah tolak orang dah...
NVM.
at the doors to the OT, my mum couldnt enter. i was left alone. i was so freaking scared. i could hear people talking, people entering in and out of the doors, noone looked as thought they bothered. i was just another patient going for surgery, nothing new to them, nothing special. they see this everyday. 4 different nurses asked for my name and ic number 4 times.
then i met the anaestheticians. there were 2 of them. ive met one of them before during my pre-admission testing. he still can ask me, where do i usually row? i said pandan reservoir. that was the last thing i said before i went to sleep. when they finally transferred me to the operating room, THE REAL THING, there were lots of lights, lots of people in scrubs and masks and shower caps and gloves, nurses at the corner talking about a SALE going on, while i was worried shit about how they gonna put me to sleep. i felt my left wrist being meddled with. the anaesthetician strapped something really tight around my biceps it was so painful but i wasnt bothered by the pain, i was too worried to bother. then i felt a pinch, and then another. My legs started to feel numb. There was a tingling sensation that ran up my arms, they made me breathe into the mask. Breathe in deeply. Once, twice, just close your eyes when you feel like sleeping.
and poof, it became KOKO Krunch!haha. (yeah, aisyah laughing nowadays is hard to hear)
anyway, yes, it was really cool how they put me to sleep.but when i woke up, it was the most excrutiating pain ive ever felt, i cried i shivered i asked the nurses whats wrong with me, they gave me some painkillers, and then i was gone, again.
next thing i knew i was already in my ward.
u were right, fahmi- it felt like just in the movies, except that u cant feel pain when u watch movies.
u have no idea how excruciating the pain was. MasyaAllah, one thing i never want to go through again.
i remembered sleeping most of the time. i couldnt take the pain so i slept it off. and the head kept on spinning everytime my eyes opened. so i keep it closed. amazingly, i didnt purge, not even once, im gonna gloat abt it to steve at ssc tmr. haha.
thanks to everyone who came to visit me, its not everyday u get to see aisyah in beige pyjamas with laces in her most burok face. :)
i cant remember much right aft surgery: it was just too painful to stay awake.

post op day 1: i woke up like a dozen times while i was sleeping, checked my phone to see the time, went back to sleep, forced myself to sleep. first time overnight in the hospital. i remembered i had to pee in a bed pan that night, it was urgent. it was TOUGH. i took like 10mins to pee. i DONT WANT TO EVER DO THAT AGAIN. thats why the next morning when nature called again i demanded that they bring me to the toilet. so i had to sit on this wheelchair with the hole but going out of bed and onto the wheelchair was so torturous, MasyaAllah. things i dont want to remember.(delete.delete.) :(
i waited for my mum to come. they brought me to the rehab area where i was the only patient i swear below 30, even below 60 is possible. the physio made me do some exercises that was so painful i cheated. i know its for my own good but it was really UGH. then she taught me how to use the crutches, that was when it was so painful my head started spinning, i couldnt hear anything, i could see white lights, luckily they made me sit and drink quickly. then they sent me to my ward. cuz i was still weak. ugh.
later, they wheeled me to the xray to take an xray of my knee. that was the last station of the "walk around SGH" time for patients. exciting.
before discharge, the nurse changed my dressing. that was the first time i saw the wound. wait, i dint see it. i dint dare to. i know there's a long stitch somewhere, i chose not to remember. the nurse had to change my clothes for me as well. i felt like a big baby. the final torture session before home was going into the cab. MasyaAllah.
again, i dont wish to remember it.

---

at home, i did the exercises diligently. i slept the whole of saturday. i woke up early sunday morning, dying to take a shower and brush my teeth which i havent done in 2 days. of all the pain that i had gone through, this morning's experience was the scariest. i wasnt used to crutching so after shower with the help of my maid, i tried to crutch back to my room but i couldnt. it was so painful, i couldnt hear anything, my vision started to turn white, i was shivering, i was sweating, my maid was so scared she said i looked so pale she dint know what to do. i sat down, took deep breaths, my maid rushed to get me a cup of water, MasyaAllah, i almost fainted, ive never felt that way before, it was so so so scary. MasyaAllah.
after that i spent half the day resting on bed, cuz i was so scared it might happen again, but in the afternoon, Alhamdullilah, I managed to walk a little with my crutches. And Alhamdullilah, I managed to pray.
I have 22 days of MC which means I will be missing loads of mid term tests and term paper deadlines. I have to travel regularly to SSC for rehab, get my range of motion back and start to learn to walk again. I pray that everything will be fine, InsyaAllah. I pray that I will stay strong and not give up. I just pray that I dont have to go tru this ever again once its over.

God, give me strength.

2009-02-26T20:25:00.002+08:00

i was talking to this senior online, this is what he said:
"silat pulak dah rowing, silat pulak why can't you just sit still now you're injured, you're not happy right? you like the lifestyle you're in now ah, getting injured, getting blisters on palms, going for ops? don't you want to take a back seat in life, and do some other stuffs instead?"

i dont know what to say.

---

i forgot how it feels like to have a fever. if i remember correctly, last i was down with fever was way back in sec3/4-ish, the only thing i could remember clearly was that my fever was so bad, KKH made me shower in ice water.

and now im heating up. i dont know if it still works but im putting a towel soaked in ice cold water on my head. i mean, if im still able to type this it means that its not so bad right? i dont have a thermometer at home. so much for having a paramedic in the house.
the grogginess is gone, Alhamdullilah. its just the flu and cough thats annoying me. if they persist, i doubt i can go tru surgery tmr.

yes, surgery is scheduled to take place tmr morning at sgh.
i have to stay over one night to get subsidised rates, if i choose not to, i have to pay $7k in cash.
im not looking forward to anything.
i just wish that i hadnt had gone for that silat trng on 23rd dec. but thats just stupid.
im gonna brood/cry/whine/complain/sulk/whatever, i know.
just bear with me, will you.

so, what made me sick?
nak menang punyer pasal.
we had this mini olympic games on tuesday at NTU.
NTU is far. like bloody FAR.
i was late cuz i had an appt with my surgeon that morning. i took a cab from SGH to NTU and it cost me $20. it was THAT far.
when i reached NTU i thought i was in johor, until i saw a group of chinese people, i changed my mind. it wasnt johor, its china.
the weather these days has been confusing. like seriously, MAKE UP YOUR MIND. do u want it to be scorching, burn my face HOT or drizzle-rain-wind blow-shivering COLD. and the best thing was that on tuesday, we played in the hot sun -heavy drizzle weather. 4 out of 5 of my teammates fell sick, including me. yeah the weather in ntu-china made me have fever for the first time in 3/4 years.

other than that,
we won the games.
it was a good win cuz we almost lost dodgeball to the team that got 2nd place.
they were hell good at dodgeball, finally some competition, eh?
i have to admit we suck at dodgeball, we're just lucky.
but sorry captain's ball is just our forte.
so yeah, we brought home a medal and cert, and flu/fever virus from ntu-china.

and aisyah being aisyah dint want to sit still and stay at home,
went swimming with the Tjunct girls on wednesday.
again it felt like i was in another country, somewhere in jurong west, where confused weather prevails.
it was hot, im burnt now (again) then it drizzled, then hot, then cold.

and tada,
2 days of ntu-china and jurongwest-jb weather,
im down with fever/flu/cough.
it was so bad during arab class, my mind just went blank for like a few minutes. it was scary. like i said, i forgot what it fels like to be really sick. and of all the time in the world, i chose to be sick this week.

and if i still feel like SHIT like this,
they'll have to postpone my surgery.

oh and its friday alr tmr.
i havent done a single school work.
whats wrong with me?

2009-02-14T22:15:00.003+08:00

here's the thing.
i almost forgot-

Assalammualaikum.

yes. the thing is. i cant wait for my surgery, but i dont want it to happen, now that i can walk normally. but if u look at my legs long enuf, if u have nothing better to do, and if u think tree trunks are nice to look at, u can actually see the huge difference in size between my right and left leg! my physio told me that when the ligament tears, the body automatically shuts down the entire leg thus muscles not working as much, and body tends to depend on my uninjured leg more. its kinda pretty tho, my legs, they look like they belong to 2 different ppl. kinda cool. i told my physio why dont u kick my other leg so they'll be equally smaller.

and why i cant wait for the surgery is because i want to get it done and over with ASAP so i can start playing again.
u have no friggin idea how much i want to play all sorts of things. God! soccer, netball, run, RUN, RUN, SOCCER, NETBALL, SILAT, RUN, gaaah!!!
if i had the chance to change one thing, i would want to ban everyone from playing all sorts of sports until i am able to play again. but thats just stupid and selfish.
but taking the bus across the NUS field almost everyday to travel from arts to eat at megabites make me feel like ERGH.
im such a loser sia.
grow up.

i was browsing tru my 'old' pics when i was young and healthy and not injured.
i miss soccer,
and my long hair.

ok dah. im tired of complaining.

but, if i dont complain,
ive got nothing to say.

bye.

HAHAHA.
lets attempt to talk about the rainbows, and the sun, and the bright lovely day.
i cant think of any.

i watched a hall production last night. it was supposed to be an abstract play on love, lies and life. something like that and u know im not an avid fan of "things that require you to think" thus it wasnt really my kind of stuff. id rather watch kusumawangi again and get scared again. thats why its a malay production- not much thinking required, cater to the audience. know thy kind, bebeh.

oh and i went to the UHWC for the first time since the pre-admission health check. i have had this persistent cough for 2 weeks so i finally decided to not be stubborn and trod my way to YIH to visit the doctor. the doctor was awfully rude. but okay i paid $5 for everything so i guess he knows how much he's worth thus the lousy attitude. so that night i told fairuz that if he were to become a doctor someday, well he is anyway, dont be like that. its just awful.

but when i went to the sgh private clinic for my consultation with the knee surgeon, i thought i would have received better service but he was the same! i had to pay $85 to see this surgeon's face who dint even face me, dint smile. come on and for like 2mins, he ripped $85 off my mum's pocket. and oh apparently i wasnt given a choice so i was immediately given private class which means i have to pay $5000 on day of surgery which made my mum blew her top so surgery's pretty much not settled yet.

and school oh school's getting busier by the day. the presentations, the sunday 8am meetings in sch (yes, tmr, mind you- SUNDAY MORNING 8am SCHOOL), the tests, this and that, the wobbling knee, the flights and flights of stairs in NUS, whenever i climb the stairs in school, i wonder how im gonna do the same after surgery.

oh the rehab guy made me do 100 one legged (injured leg) squats and 1-min wall squats that day and i almost died. my pantat still throbs in pain.
and he reminded me that what im going tru now will be nothing compared to what i will go tru aft the surgery. i dont know if i should laugh, or cry.

or just not think about it.

2009-02-08T23:14:00.003+08:00

i have this stupid cough which almost made me pass out a few minutes ago. crying didnt help much. why dint i just passed out and die? it would make the world a better place for everyone. insurance money, less whining and complain, and sports council doesnt have to fork out thousands of dollars for my surgery.

my knee doesnt hurt any more in fact it hasnt given way for the longest time. its not good. it pissed me off cuz im gonna spend 9months not being able to play sports and now i dont feel an itch on the knee. full recovery after surgery takes 9months. stop brooding, they say. but sports is the only thing im good at and the only thing that makes my stress go away. now that i cant do any bloody exercises, u want me to be happy about it? yea yea dont start with the 'stay optimistic' bullshit. im an athlete and ive lost a part of my life. how do u want me to be myself now? and with school work, project meetings, presentations, having to travel all the way to kallang for rehab and physio then back to school at the other end of the world for class- life currently sucks.

and stop it with the 'ure not in this alone' shit. u have no idea how much it sucks to see myself not exercising, giving a million and one excuses, brooding, complaining, being so bitchy, perpetually moody.

i admit it, im brooding. im such a loser. what kind of athlete am i?

oh wait. what kind of athlete is sportless?
my kind.
i dont deserve to be called one.

its just too much things to take and its only february.
if i annoy you cuz im weak, why dont u just come shoot me.
id rather be dead.
i cant stand myself like this.
i feel sorry for myself.

lets have one less weakling in the face of this earth.
the fittest will survive, remember?

2009-01-29T12:03:00.002+08:00

There is blunting of the body and the anterior junction of the medial meniscus suggestive of free edge tearing or fraying.
There is increased signal in the medial collateral ligament suggestive of intraligamentous sprain injury.
There are focal areas of abnormal bone marrow signal suggestive bone contusions along the medial aspect of the medial femoral condyle, the sulcus terminalis of the lateral femoral condyle and along the posterior aspect of the proximal tibia.
There is a moderate joint effusion.
There is complete rupture of the anterior cruciate ligament.

reason #2958 why i dont take science.

and reason #2 why i should have.

THATS MY KNEE THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. and all i know is that its in bad, bad, bad, bad shape.

the physio guy laughed when he saw my mri scan report. i said it wasnt funny. :(

the rehab guy said its not the worst case, it could have been worse, its not the end of the world. he added that i should just stick to rowing. no soccer, no silat, no cycling. just rowing. i laughed.

the doctor said if i want to continue with my active lifestyle i must go for surgery. if not, i can only stick to sports that dont require me to turn, jump, run. if i go for surgery, complete recovery takes 9 months.

i was imagining an aisyah without netball, soccer, silat, running, jumping.

i cant.

i was brooding the whole friggin day yesterday. ive read hundreds of stories of athletes who've went tru various surgeries, some worst than mine, and still succeed in the future, as an athlete or not. im not ready to start an inspirational story of my own. im not prepared for this. im still sportless now. this is bad, just bad.

and the year just friggin started.

first the break up, now the knee.

i wonder what else 2009 has in store for me.

2009-01-24T20:49:00.005+08:00

my blog was privatized a few weeks ago and some people got mad cuz i didnt add them into the list of people who's allowed to view my blog. thing is,

i didnt invite anyone.

but good thing is, im surprised! people actually do read my blog.
if that is even a good thing.

i privatized my blog cuz some people found it wrong; unethical? intrusive? intrusive upon what? my own privacy?

im intruding on my own privacy.
hmm.

i blog about important events in my life.
okay, maybe not.
i blog about the most randomest things in the world,
i realised.

but thats who i am. and how i like it to be.

i like to tell people where i went and what i did and who talked to me today and who didnt and whats new and whats not and what i like and what i dont.

i know i dont blog about issues regarding the war, the politics, the environment, science and technology, the world, the citizens, the president and what nots. its not that i dont think about them neither am i ignorant nor well-read. i know these stuff. i read the news. (yes i do. slap yourself if you were shocked to hear that i read the news.)

but its just not me to write about these issues.

so tell you what.

i write what i like.

its not that i dont write about important things in my life.
if you think i dont mention about my family much, it doesnt mean they're not important to me.
thats just plain dumb to think like that.

and if you dont like what i write.

dont reaaaadddddd.

ANYWAY, lets get on with more random things.

#01: i cut my hair. like REAL short. like SHORT short. like budak cina wear sluar go school mcm tak pakai sluar tak senonoh kalau kaki lawa takper tapi tak lawa SHORT.

THAT short.

#02: thats like one of the few nice short haired aisyah pics i have. cuz i dont camwhore on my own anymore. i dont know why. i think...

ive grown up.

#03: i love settlers' cafe. cuz thats where taboo, jenga and soldadu songs happen when tjuncts come in full strength.

How many malay uni students does it take to break a glass?

10, with a game of taboo.

#04: my knee injury aggravated. something to do with an MCL strain and meniscus tear.

champion comment goes to Maressa:

"I think i tore my meniscus"

"Whats meniscus?"

"Its the bottom part of the water in the test tube."

#05: i paid $900 for my MRI scan for my knee. there goes my holiday earnings. hurrah.

ive learnt a moral tho: never quarrel with your parents before you ask for money.

#06: last thing i wanted to say is that..i blog cuz its the only form of writing i do these days. ive lost the touch of writing. blogging makes me not lose it totally. see even my sentence structure like want to kena sai. how liddat.

#07: and finally. tmr im gonna do something stupid that might make me regret. so if i come back crying to you saying that i shouldnt have done it, throw rocks at me.

2009-01-03T20:29:00.002+08:00

i have never really thought i had to go through this.

change my laptop background
move our pictures to "thepast" folder
take down our photos hanging on my room wall and on my study table
put all the stuff uve given me into THE box
write you a hate email
change my status in fb
waking up another day knowing that youre not there, and will never be there ever again.

1st january 2009.

new year? yes.

happy? certainly not.

izzat and i are officially over. nothing to celebrate about. certainly nothing i expected. but what has to be done was done. it looks so easy, sounds so simple. you hate me, you dont like me, you think we cant be together, you lost faith and hope in us, you bloody tell me.

but no. you chose to deal with it the hard way. and gave not only me a hard time but yourself as well.

you cheat on me. you lied. and lied. and lied. to me, to your best friend, to your mum, to my mum. you hurt me. so, so bad. so bad, i cried for days. until i felt numb. and was out of tears. you disgust me, i cant even eat.

you told me to change for you, for myself, for the better. and i tried. i did. but you didnt. you never did. you cheated on your ex, and now on me. you went out with a girl, brought her to places you promised to bring me, watched a movie with her you told me you wanted to watch with me. you lied. you filthy liar.

how do you even look at yourself in the mirror after what you've done?

arent you ashamed of yourself?

you should be.

you're a coward, weakling, you cant stand up for the ones you love. if i were rich i'll send you to a plastic surgeon and tell him to attach some balls to you. you need them, seriously. but sorry im not rich. so you gotta find them yourselves. i heard city hall sells them. which one do you prefer, "jerk" or "bastard"?

im not sad anymore that we're together. im just so angry. and hurt. im so angry i could give u double kick where your balls should be and sucker punch on the face. but what do i get by hurting you? i dont get satisfaction by hurting someone. im not like you. or maybe, i dont purposely hurt someone to make him or her hate me. i dont hate.

what did the 10 months mean to you? was i a playtoy you found, something to keep you company and loved when u need it and throw away when u find something better or got bored? then why the fark did u do that to me?

i never did lie to you. maybe one or two white lies like i told you i ate dinner when i actually didnt. and like i told you i watched cartoons when it was actually sappy indo dramas. i loved you, stupidly, so much. they said,

"love like theres no tomorrow. dance like theres noone watching."

and i did and this is what i get in return of my faithfulness and undying love. idiot.

and fark. we just came back from bintan, we just celebrated our 10th month and your farking birthday. didnt you think of all that before you did what you did? do you even think?

then whats the point of going to RI for 4 years and still not being able to think. or only think at certain times and do stupid things when not thinking.

if i had lied to you or cheated you or hurt you in any way possible, i would have understood why you did what you did but faaark. i hadnt.

and what if i hadnt found out that you cheated on me? would you have hid it from everyone, keep lying to the people around you, lying to yourself, and think you could get away with it?

and like i said and will always tell you,

change yourself, before you change others.

now leave.

BITCH

2008-12-24T19:47:00.002+08:00

yesterday didnt happen.

i didnt wake up quarrelling with my brother.
i didnt leave home fuming mad with my mum still nagging.
i didnt meet izzat and iylia and left them both.
i didnt check my awful results.
i didnt cry incessantly.
i didnt eat.
i didnt go for silat and busted my knee.
i didnt meet izzat and screamed at him.
he didnt let me see his phone.
he didnt msg her.
she didnt msg him.

if i know that my guy friend has a gf who hates me, with all due respect, i'll stay away. not pour sad stories and expect sympathy and pity out of the guy.

go find another shoulder to cry on, bitch.

and if i were a guy and i know that my gf hates this girl cuz she was flirting with me, i'll tell her to stay away. but apparently, some guys dont get it.

if im a bitch, ill say it to her face to STAY AWAY.
lucky for you,
im not.

and did my bf said i hated you?
initially i didnt. had no reason to.
its okay if u mutually flirted with him.
i never did hate you,
until last night.

merdeka!!!

2008-12-01T20:39:00.002+08:00

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY!
ITS FINALLY OVER!
FREEDOM!
MERDEKA! MERDEKAAAAA!!!!

ARE MY CAPS ANNOYING YOU?
MY MUM USED TO SMS ME USING CAPS.
NOW SHE USES SMS SHORTHAND LIKE
wr r u
cm bck nw
trf mn
cl me
AND EXPECTS PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE'S TRYING TO SAY.
AND YET PEOPLE DO.
ITS A MUM-THING.
LIKE HOW MUMS MUST ANNOY YOU AT LEAST ONCE EVERY SINGLE DAY? ITS A ROUTINE. THATS HOW THEY SHOW HOW MUCH THEY LOVE YOU AND HOW MUCH THEY CARE. SO WE HAVE COME TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT ANNOY=LOVE.

THUS I ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

OKAY.
we ditch the caps and talk about how happy i am.
exams over sia. and they saved the best paper for the last.
PSYCH STATS is like A Maths of uni, in other words, CRAZY.
but Alhamdullilah, i thought it was pretty do-able. its undeniably SUSAH NAK MAMPOS but do-able would suffice for now.
so much for wanting CAP 4.0. impossibleismo. the sem started off bad bad bad. and what was i doing? waterfest planning. SHEESH. blame everything else but you.

i miss being smart. i bet noone believes my L1R5 ifor the Os was 7. kebabats! 7! sigh. thost were the days eh. i have temporary intelligence disorder.

anyhoos, its about time i can sit here and stare into space and say, "OH NO I'VE GOT NOTHING TO DO." but aisyah being aisyah, i wont allow that to happen so i've prepared a litany of THINGS TO DO AFTER THE EXAMS. but theres a big big problem: There's no such thing as free lunch. (wah ber-economist nampak!) AHH ECONS! THE HORROR!!
dont ever stuff econs sh** up my face EVER AGAIN. unless i get an A for econs which is impossiblismo! oh well :( (whats with impossiblismo, aisyah? -no eye dear) haha no eye dear sak. GILER. GILER is an understatement. okay no UNDERWORD. more on gilerness and what nots later but pls..can u stop making me digress?
(i didnt finish my econs paper. i know. what the fish.)

yes. so back to my list of THINGS TO DO AFTER THE EXAMS. i plan to do so many berlambak things and i dont plan to work, but im earning negatives and i want to spend so i have to work, not that i want to but i HAVE TO. so am i considered unemployed if i dont work? do i make up the labour force participation rate? HAHAHA econs sh**. superpokes econs. throws econs book at izzat. i HATE ECONS, and he's probably doing it for the rest of his life or so.

he said the most contradicting thing in the world just now: girls should marry when they're 25, no more. GLARES AT IZZAT. seriously dude. who's waiting for who now?

sheesh kebabs. im FAT. i need to run. OH RUNNING tops off my THINGS TO DO AFTER THE EXAMS list. wee. then i wanna swim and climb and sleeep. YES SLEEEP. i had the exams pimples and the exams eye bags and the exams puffy face. i slept for 3 hours after my paper just now. punyer lah shiok!

but dreadful! the weather! the higher authority is punishing us for the many sins that we have committed! the weather is just FREAKIN HOT these days. i remembered when i was in thailand last year and the sun was like DAMN HOT even when u walk in the streets u can feel the SCORCHING HOT sunlight burning your skin cells and i was thankful Singapore isnt like THAT but i spoke too soon. i swear its equally as HOT here now as it was in thailand. GAAAH. i hate pollution! i'll join rudy in his environmental rights revolusion!!!

talking bout rudy boy. HAPPY 21ST TO THE GUY WHO CALLED ME WOMAN THE FIRST TIME WE MET and im not kidding, so was he. i thought he hated me when he said "hey woman!" (i think he did) scary mary. anyways, we had a partaaayy at moomoos crib on saturday. haha moomoo ke per. adz was extraliciously nice to organize the post exam party (even tho i havent finished my exams) at his house. it was fantabulously giler. we played FAST FACTS OF THE DAY which made me laugh until i cried (whats new right aisyah?) but no seriously. rudy and iylia are the 2 most wittiest tak leh angkat smart mamats ive ever met. and i thought them how to play the infamous BABI. rudy's reaaaallllyyy bad at this game. iylia couldnt keep his mouth SHUT and izzat won lah (we should play babi more cuz thats the only time izzat can keep quiet). it was a blast :)
then i spent 17hours on sunday mugging for STATS. skipped lunch and shower cuz they take up time. hahaha.

okay doks. FREE ONLINE MOVIES here i commmeeee!!!

annoy you,
aisyah :)

the friday

2008-11-14T22:29:00.003+08:00

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

these past few days have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me.

SHEESH KEBABS!

i cried countless of times for the silliest reasons,

and i laughed so much until i cried,

izzat's damn right-

im such a wreck!

have u watched madagascar escape 2 africa?? YOU HAVENT?!

GO WATCH. watch it after a goooooood day of mugging. you'll deserve it. trust me.

look out for motomoto. izzat dint tell me he acted in the movie.

haiz.

u cant trust guys these days can you?

hahahaha, im such an ass.

ive been annoying izzat everyday for the past 2 weeks.

we quarrel about the littlest things,

we forgive and forget the next minute,

we merajok again the next day,

make it up to each other in a while.

OMG im dating a girl!

hahaha.

i love you, sayang.

even though u were laughing not at the movie, but at me.

you were always my shoulder to cry on,
my sleeve to wipe my tears away,

literally.

muahahaha.

lets watch PS I LOVE YOU after the exams!

bring a measuring cylinder along.

u should keep a record of the amount of tears i produce in movies.

anywayyys.

talking about exams,

they're 10 days away.

and i know,

like what am i doing here right?

seriously, aisyah.

u cant blame rowing now for ur bad grades.

theres only u, urself left to blame.

sheesh.

i wish i was smart again,

like i was before.

hmph.

okay, lets not kill the mood here.

i went to smu's starry night last friday.

my first gig with izzat.

it was pretty good.

the first band kicked ass!

(sigh. still can watch gig before exams.)

(kater budak AC kan?)

hahaha.

talking about AC...

i told izzat i dont like his school cuz it reminds me of my old school.

he got so defensive sehhh.

scary mary.

we met shan and ross for a movie the other day too.

yahhh, i smsed in and won the movie tickets.

SEMANGAAAT!

i was supposed to go for the subaru challenged too.

but i wanted to give that guy a chance to win.

i havent gotten my driving license anyway.

oh, SHAN is gigantic! looook!

we watched BLINDNESS which was this really mind boggling, and twisted movie. sucks ur brain juice dry watching it.

thats why, go watch madagascar 2.

motomoto - the name's so nice, u say it twice.

HAHAHAHAHA. okay, studying makes u giler.

1st december...quick come!

2008-11-03T02:50:00.002+08:00

WHY I SHOULD BE SLEEPING?

cuz its 2.52am and i have to wake up at 6am later cuz coaching starts at 8am.
and i have school from 12pm to 4pm
and i have got to watch films after that
then i gotta study
which means that i need the sleep

AND WHY AM I STILL NOT SLEEPING?

cuz i woke up at 11am today
slept again while studying from 2pm to 4pm
drank coffee, ate chocolate cheesecake and nasi lemak and indian rojak
and im not sleepy but i feel that i am but im not

WHY DO I CHOOSE TO WRITE ON MY BLOG?

cuz i havent written since i quit rowing
and yes i quit rowing
yes u heard that right
aisyah finally quits
and cuz im too lazy to facebook
my facebook is slow. how do i delete all 2000 requests?

SO WHAT ELSE HAVE I GOT TO SAY THIS EARLY MORNING?

i just heard the early morning birds chirp
im gonna get eye bags for the rest of the week
plus bloating
i need to run, but ive been giving waaayyy too many excuses not to run, cuz im just a lazy bum, and no wonder im fat and my but is dimpled. well actually its not but its gonna be dimpled soon i can just feel it. i think.
ive spent my hari raya collection away on daily expenses
wait, what hari raya collection?
i shisha-ed on sunday. and i hated it.
ive been studying, not hard, but just studying, enough to make me feel less guilty. but for the past few tests which i studied and sat for, i did very badly for them and for those i dint study for, i did better than expected. so im quite apprehensive abt studying now.
i regretted not studying hard for my As. which leads to bad results. not getting scholarships. paying the uni fees. and burdening my parents. but stupid thing to regret now.
but ive never thought money will be an issue in education until now.
shit expensive education
i received a letter form HOTA congratulating me that ill be turning 21 soon.
my back and shoulders have been aching for a week.
i feel awfully old
i hate growing up
im tired of thinking
i watched BLINDNESS with shan and ross, with izzat.
i ate megabites 3 times last week.
thus, the fat thighs.
and my mum said i should go sleep

okay dah. BYE.

2008-10-05T13:07:00.003+08:00

YOU
i hate it every time i have to see your face.
i hate to talk to you.
i dont hate you but im sorry,
you make me hate you.
you leave me with no choice,
to hate you or to hate seeing you.
you say things that make me so angry.
but i dont tell you these
i keep these things inside
so that when i reach home or when im alone
i can laugh them off
so they wont hurt me inside
then ill smile about it
and tell myself that its okay
ive tried my best
its okay if they dont see what ive put it
its okay if they think i suck
and that im talentless
and hopeless
as long as you know ive done your best
i think thats all that matters.
what i say wont change a thing about you.
what i say dont matter.
and there's always some bad thing that you have to say about me.
but dont take my silence as a weakness,
be grateful that i respect you as an elder
and that anytime you're gonna pass on
and make the world a better place
im sorry but hey
the truth hurts.

and you,
you of all people.
youre supposed to be my shoulder to cry on
but if you make me cry
who's shoulder should i choose?
and i have to plan early
like whom im gonna spend my 21st birthday with
when you're away
im not blaming you if you have to leave
you do what you gotta do
but im just being a nuisance
how can you stand me
are you even willing to bear with me for the rest of you life
if God permits us to be together
till the end of time

and you,
you emo momo
kanasai.
shut up
and study.
if you dont meet your goals,
who's the one who'll be crying her eyes out?
mum will think you've been playing around too much.
and stop you from doing activities
then you say no
its not the activities that make you fail
then what?
maybe youre just stupid.
but stupid people dont go to uni.
oh really?
then maybe youre just lucky to end up here.
and wasting your parents money.
and maybe its true what they say
that youre good at nothing,
except netball and rowing.
go do something about your life, pls.
before you eat worms and die.
ure so morbid.
but so is life.

maybe rowing isnt everything

2008-08-31T01:26:00.003+08:00

they say angry people say things they dont really mean.
so maybe he didnt mean to call me a liar, to tell me that he wished he could have said GO TO HELL to me, said that i have been doing RUBBISH for him, called me a FAILURE and a NOONE.
maybe he dint mean to hurt my feelings. it was just out of anger.
maybe i wasnt hurt by his words cuz he dint mean what he said, right?

or maybe i was so damn hurt, im just telling myself that he didnt mean it.
avoiding the truth, is the best way to avoid pain.
so why the hell did i cry when it wasn't hurtful and he didnt mean what he said?

maybe you dream of becoming the best in the world one day.
and they say no dream is too big.
and they tell you to dare to dream.
they give you all these false hopes.
and then u come to realise that there will never be a chance
that you can ever achieve your dreams.
unless u make MAJOR sacrifices,
u know they're not worth making.

the say passion beats anything to keep your dreams going strong.
is it?

i dreamt to row for singapore,
and my dream was fulfilled.
my goal was to win a medal in sea games,
and last year, my wish was granted.
and now, i dream to be an Olympian,
u snort, and laugh,
and u shake your head and say "dream on",
nothing, i told myself, can stop me from achieving my dream.
and i would have killed u if u have doubts about me being able to reach that level.

until Friday, 29th August 2008,
i realised that the world is cruel,
malicious,
vicious,
unfair,
and PAINFUL.

u cant make everyone happy.
u cant get everything u want.
in fact there are times when u get nothing u want and get everything u dont.
and the truth always hurts.

on friday, 29th august,
one old man can change the lives of many.
and one old man's words can kill you slowly.
and one old man can hurt you so bad,
he shattered my dreams, my hopes, my goals.

and how the hell am i supposed to tell myself that its okay?
and maybe its not meant to be?

or tell myself that he's angry and say things he doesnt mean?
how long more do i have to layan this old man?
until he pisses the shit out of me?

cruel, cruel world.
who dares to beg to differ?

run nus

2008-08-28T13:07:00.002+08:00

i think everyone should run along the RUN NUS 10km route at least once in their lifetime.
its okay to be masochistic once in a while.
u wont be doing this very often.
if ure ever in need of a new running route and you havent tried the RUN NUS route,
tell me.
im not a sadist.
its not that i wanna see you suffer on the treacherous uphills and downhills and the winding roads of the route.
but, i wanna see you achieve things you never thought you could,
like what i did.

Saiyidah Aisyah (30007)

Your timing is 1 hr 16 min 51 sec
You rank 13th out of 45

my FIRST 10km race;
may it not be my last.

the best is yet to be.

(the best is yet tobe keperrr.)

they say no dreams are too big,
but i realised in singapore,
unless u play tabletennis,
you can kiss the to-be-an-Olympian dream goodbye.

cruel, cruel world.
face it.

allasiacup day one.

2008-08-22T23:38:00.002+08:00

and today i rowed in my W1X heats.
and i came in last. i wasnt tired. i didnt even try.
it was such an embarassment.
they asked me how was it, and i had to say that i was last.
it wasnt about what people think,
but about what i think.
why didnt i train?
why didnt i try?
i gave up, totally. i have nothing to hide now.
what kind of athlete, ROWER in fact, cant take pain?
who gives up easily.
who makes it so easy for the rest to beat her.
i hate myself for the race today.
i hate myself for not even trying.
and he says why am i so pessimistic,
why do i put so much unnecessary pressure on myself.
and i say, cuz im a rower.
and i cant take defeats.
if i lose, i want to lose trying.
not giving up like what i did.
even if i lose, ill make sure they have to row hard to win.

tomorrow, i shall race.
today wasnt a race.
it was disgrace.

august.

2008-08-16T23:30:00.009+08:00

okay lousy. i havent updated for ages. look what ive gone through.

PBM Dikir Barat Collaboration with guys.

UNITEN Invitationals 2008- Putrajaya.

the four of us went - me, guillaume, freddie and syahir.

syahir and freddie rowed in the doubles.

guillaume rowed in the mens singles.and i rowed in the women singles.

and yes, we had to wear a lifejacket.

Guillaume and me won our singles races. :)

we won RM100 each and this huge trophy. the exact same one i won last year. muahaha.

it was pretty annoying travelling with these 3 boys. we stayed at the UNITEN hostel which means i had to stay alone in the girls hostel which was about 30mins walk from the guys! i dint dare sleep alone in the room so i bunked in with this UTHM girl, Hana :)

okay, yes. muker slenger sorry.

we stayed there for 4 nights but my race was only on the last day. it was quite annoying. i was suddenly appointed team manager, more like a mother with 3 annoying nak kene sepak kids. not bad, one french, one chinese and one malay eksyen angmoh.

this is the eksyen ang moh one.

oh and it was guillaume's and freddie's first time in KL so we HAD to go sightseeing and look at the petronas. exciting, yo.

and the KL komuter train is MADNESS during rush hour. singapore's morning rush is nothing compared to this! giler. now i have KL-Komuter-o-phobia.

ooh and there was the Japanese university rowing team, Shiga Uni. they absolutely love to do that, sorry i cant resist it. and i blend in quite well, dont i? muahahaha.

they are adorable! and they did this really cute dance on stage during the dinner, or somewhat a cultural performance.

the malaysians did their 'hari kebangsaan' routine. the songs and dances u see every year on tv3 druing their national day.
and nicholas. there. he surely have something to say everytime our eyes meet. always finding faults in every single thing i do. scolded me in front of everyone, so much so that im already numb to his words. called me a failure, no leadership, no initiative. what not.

sigh.

and recently,

izzat invited me to SMU's and LaSalle's Rewind.Pause.Forward. A night of hot chicks and gorgeous hunks in baju melayus of yesteryear, today and the future.

and okay, i thought we looked hot too, dont u think?

(atiqah fairus and me were swooning over Khai the DJ guy from NUS, the one who appeared in CLEO's top 50 bachelor. yes!!! that one) hahaha. sorry i dont have a picture of him. nyaha. who needs khai when uve got him?

hypertension

2008-07-25T11:23:00.005+08:00

OKAAAYYYYY im back!

my life has been pretty exciting these past few days i swear if life goes on at this rate and intensity, by the end of the month, i'll get hypertension!!!
SERIOUSLY, i wish i could just s t o p t i m e !

ERGH.
okay, like in late june, we played human foosball! me and fifi were the ONLY girls in the whole competition! how exciting! we were quite good, i have to admit that. only that guys being guys, they cant take it if a team with girls can win them so some decided to play dirty, we got kicked, slammed, (iylia got hugged by monsters), i scored a goal okay!
izzat decided that we call ourselves Sugardaddies & Saltymommies! mouthfuuul of sugar and salt, i tell youu. rudy was a damn good keeper, i have to say. rudy boyyy.
yeah, there were 10 teams, Top 8 receive cash prizes. We dint manage to get into Top 8. One Goal Away. ERGGHHHHH.
but anyways, it was realllyyyy fun. (why do u like to draaaggg your words, aisyah?)
despite getting kicked by IYLIAAA!!! omg can u imagine a guy kicking ur ankle?! it was bruised for about a week. :(

aww, dont be so sad, guys. there's always next time. i still think we deserve to win tho.

and then, there was captain's Ball competition organized by the NUS MS. with 3 netball players, 1 golfer, 1 footballer, 1 rugger and 1 softball player, how can we possibly not win?!

cash prize: $200

number of players: 7

each player receives $28.50

each player pays $12 for registration

each player makes $16.

not bad. :)

and for a team that has never trained before, and a captain who looks like she's going to bed whenever she wears her track pants, CHAMPION TEAM, bebeh.

and then comes FOC (aka NUS malay camp). i was faci with rasheilla. we named our group CICAK cuz the theme of the camp was something about refugees and surviving. the story goes like this, refugees are like cicaks, there's so many of them, the government neglects them and sometimes kills them. similar to that of a cicak's life in our house, there's so many cicak we get annoyed by them sometimes we attempt to kill them but they usually will have ways to escape from us and thus, we are survivors, like cicaks.

and yes, that was utterly mengarut.

wait, and we stand for animal rights.

RIGHT.

rash, farah, me and dannylah.

me and rash :)

telekong pictures are the best. i just couldnt help it, sorry.

and hey, look at me kick drg the silat performance. bwahaha!

hello? BEST GROUP, pls. :) :) :)

and (phew finally) last week, we had a cicak gathering at mosi where we played babi and shaheen was crowned Hajjah Babi and we were so kecoh in that small little cafe i think we chased the other customers away, but anyways, congrats to shaheen!

and on sundayyy,

the monstarz had a mini reunion at fish & co. exciting-ness :D

we met HADYYYYY!!!!! *screams*

and my best friend's looking gorgeous that night.

then we chilled at Ben & Jerrys where aj blanja-ed us ice cream!

i love adib's attempt to pose like AJ.

ERGH. love them all.

and him, especially...

okay, enough of the jiwangnesss.
and last exciting event of the month was PBM's anugerah night. (exciting?)
we were supposed to be clad in ORIENTAL clothes. but oh well, we tried.
me, fil and fiz got turned down by 3 cabs on our way out.
very exciting.

okays, thats all i guess. i havent trained for the Run NUS. i havent trained for my rowing race in KL in bloody 2 weeks. im fat, i give lots of excuses and im broke.

exciting month? totally.

DIVA and you

2008-06-19T14:05:00.007+08:00

STORIES OF LIFE

hahahaha.

MENGARUT.

ok,

story #01

one hot sunny day, a mat and minah jiwang decided to go to the beach.

they had so much work to do but they chose to lepak at the beach.

(warning: they are not your normal mat and minah. they are not jiwang. they are just pretending.)

(more warning: photos might be disturbing. they can be annoyingly slenger nak mampos. and ultra jiwang it might get u started on singing, "RINDUUUUUU RINDUUUU SERINDU RINDUNYAAAAAAAAA...")

then mat pilates and the minah yoga thought it would be cool to pose with the MAT they brought. (the mat stole his house carpet)

and i think they make postcard-picturesque pictures. dont u think so?

then they went to meet Charlie at his workplace which was so far away it felt like they had to travel to another island just to meet Charlie. they talked about business. (see i told u they were pretending to be a mat and minah. they have very important things to talk about and settle.)

moral of the story: dont judge a book by its cover.

a malay couple lepaking at sentosa might not be your typical mat and minah, well not most of the time.

story #02

one day,

a group of 5 girls met at boon lay mrt station at 7.30am.

for some it was their first time meeting each other.

aisyah knew everyone.

syafiqah knew 3 people.

meizhen and sha knew 2.

and haryati only knew me.

it was amazing how a group of girls who were almost strangers to each other, never trained together before, and hardly plays soccer come together to form a soccer team and got into the Top 8 of the Diva La Futbol Cup.

i think we're either lucky or just too good.

i think its the latter. :)

this was the results for our first round. we were bottom 3 (was it on purpose? hmmm) and went on to fight our way for the Diva La Cup.

We beat Nanyang Whoosh (a school team) through a penalty shootout where i was the keeper (SERIOUSLY) and meizhen and sha scored 2 and i saved 2. :) :) :)

then we got into the Top 8 and i let in a stupid goal. boo :(

but oh well, we went that far, and so close to the cup. i was telling fifi, we must get top 3 before we grow old(er) and cant play any more! InsyaAllah :)

and we are so garang tak jadi! muahahaha!

so when we lost we weren't sad at all considering the fact that we NEVER trained, got bullied when me and fifi played with the mats at the neighbourhood soccer courts, and just knew each other on that day itself. then, we played volleyball on a bouncing platform (aka BOSSABALL). it was daaaaaamn fun.

we simply couldnt stop bouncing!

and i think this was the best picture of the day.

anything can, huh? :D

then i went over to Bukit Batok CDANS Chalet where my sec3/4 class had a bbq. there was so much food, i called izzat and friends over for dinner.

and liyana and me got addicted to Wii. :D

moral of the story: have fun before term starts.
dah.

LOVE you, especially the people in the photos above! :)

and welcome back, ama.
and shaheen, faster come back.

everyone's overseas.
when's my turn? :(

june emo

2008-06-06T00:22:00.007+08:00

JUNE

annoying.

time annoys the shit out of you

fats suck the life out of you

leaving you breathless

even when youre not running

you complain

sitting there in front of the computer screen

on your big fat ass

giving excuses not to run

not to row

and you still complain

not doing anything about it

full of shit excuses

and you call yourself a rower

a runaholic

a disgrace

so shut up,

and train.

and YOU.

yes you,

you owe me sentosa pictures,

and a lepreachaun dance.

AC perbayu drama turned out to be a freak show

so does my pictures.

im a good photographer,

and a bad liar.

i miss(ed) you.

...

then after almost 6 months of break from rowing, i grew fat.

and i coached a potential youth olympian.

and i had to coach myself.

trng makes us hungry.

and we lived on maggi.

but we're still happy.

and meet ups with the girls have always been superb.

okay girls, one day we'll go on a plane together. no more pretending.

InsyaAllah.

and woodlands almost flooded cuz i watched PS I LOVE YOU again.

our week's almost over. :(

and i have soccer tomorrow.

wish me luck (that my toenail doesnt get ripped off again).

love

2008-05-08T01:09:00.005+08:00

DAVID COOK IS HOT.

and so is this guy.

who beat me in badminton :(

I am so emo these days.

ive been hanging around with too many male seahorses (and unicorns).

i cannot stand myself,

so i sit down.

thus, my ass is growing, if u havent noticed.

oh wow, a revelation.

anyway, i found this an interesting read. u have to check it out.

http://womensinfidelity.com/divorce.html

oh and exams are over.

finally, huh?

holiday, anyone?

stress

2008-04-30T15:11:00.006+08:00

this is what happened before china.

u know. i forgot to post these pictures.

i met up with these 3 gorgeous ladies before i left for china.

its been forever since we met.

the next ting u'll know one of us will be on the pelamin!

nyaha!

shaheen's coming to nus! weee!

alah. nad and elly dont have memek faces :(
:)

and i played soccer with izzat and his colleagues at the cage.

we were showered with ~~love~~ sweat.

and my toe got stepped on. again :(

izzat showing off his first aid skills (i think).

and recently, he's got a fad for starbucks.

and after 2 exam papers have passed, i thought i needed a dose of laughter. and this picture never fails to make my day. sorry izzat. i have to!

oh and i got bored one night studying i picked up the henna and doddled on my foot. then i realised,

WAH im kinda good at this!

idea.

and i love this dress. i need a sugar daddy. (dont tell izzat) HAHAHAHAHA.

dah, jangan nak mengarut.

3 more papers and ITS OVER.

faster.